Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 4 - Caution: Low Overhead - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Thank you, sir.

PFC Slater. Gilbert.


Thank you, sir.

PFC Pyle. Gomer.



Sir, I hope you don't
mind my saying so,

but I just can't get over it.

I come here month after month,

and you give me all this money
for something I just love doing.

That's fine, Pyle.

Glad to hear you're
enjoying your enlistment.

And I also wanted to say

about the food
you've been serving...

It's just been wonderful.

Take last night.

We had those tuna croquettes.

I went back for seconds, but
there was so much left over,

I could have had
thirds if I'd have wanted.

That's fine, Pyle.
Now, if you'll...

And them new mattress
covers that we got in last week...

If I was staying at the
finest hotel in this country,

I couldn't ask for any better.

Good, Pyle, good. Next! Next!

Well, I can see
you're busy, sir,

so I'll see you next month.

Ah, it's a long time
between paydays, Hummel.

Now that's the truth.

Well, here's my plan.

First, I pick up my pass,
then I borrow Frisby's car.

I know this drive-in
that's just crawling

with wild-looking chicks.

Really? Mm-hmm.

What makes you so sure
any of them will talk to you?

They have to. They're car-hops.

I'll just keep eating till
they get off duty. Huh?

Oh, there you are, fellas.

I wondered where you all went.

Listen, Gom, I'm going
into town to meet some girls.

You want to come along?

Thanks a lot, but my
plans are already made.

First of all, I'm going
to write a letter home.

Then I'm going over to the PX.

They're having a sale
on some shower clogs,

and I thought I'd pick
me up a couple of pair.

Gomer, you're not going

to spend your whole
payday buying shower clogs.

But I have to.

My other pair's warped,
and you know what they say.

Good hygiene starts
from the feet on up.

Well, if that's the
way you want it.

We'll see you later.

See you, fellas.
Have a good time.

Hey, Marine! You!

Over here.

Oh, there you are.


You want to see me?

Yeah. I, uh... I got
something to show you.

You have?

Come here.

Oh, that's a mighty
nice watch there, mister.

It's not just a watch, son.

This here's an 18-karat,
21-jewel movement,

with a gold expansion bracelet,

and it can be yours.

You mean you're selling it?

Oh, I could never afford
an expensive watch like that.

Why not, friend?

You've just been
paid, haven't you?

Why, yes. How in the
world did you know that?

Well, being an
ex-serviceman like I am,

you just kind of
feel it in the air.

Now, how about it, son?

Wouldn't you like to have
this watch for your very own?

Why, I'd like it very much,

but a watch like that wouldn't
come within my budget.

You see, I've got my allotments,

and I got to buy
my shower clogs,

and I got to get a present
for my aunt's birthday.

No, it's impossible.

I could never afford an
expensive watch like that.

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Shh! Wait a minute.

How much do you think it costs?

Well, it's got to be
at least... $12.95.

Only $12.95?


That's right, son.

$12.95, and that
includes sales tax

and a lifetime warranty,
including parts and labor.

Well, thank you very much,
mister, but I just couldn't.

You can't?

What, 12 dollars and 95
cents for a watch like that?

Why, you'd be cheating yourself.


Everybody knows
that a gold watch

costs ten times that much.

No. I just couldn't
do that to you.

What's your name, son?

PFC Pyle. Gomer Pyle.

My name's Freddy.

Friendly Freddy,
the serviceman's pal.

And, let me tell you
something, Lyle... Pyle.

Pyle. In all my
years in business

catering to men in
the armed forces,

I've never felt such a
rapport with a customer.

Imagine worrying
about my profit.

Take the watch, son, please.

Oh, I just couldn't,
Mr. Friendly Freddy.

As much as I'd like to have it,

I just wouldn't enjoy it,

knowing how I had
taken advantage of you.

Well, look, son, would
you feel any better

if I told you I was
making a little something?

But how can you?

Practically giving it
to me like you are.

Well, once in a while,

one of my suppliers gets
ahold of a piece of merchandise,

and he has to
unload it in a hurry.

You know what I mean?

Oh, sure.

You mean he's overstocked.


Uh-huh. Back home
at the gas station,

sometimes we'd get
overstocked on inner tubes,

and then we'd
have to run a sale.

Yeah, well, uh, yeah.

Whatever you
want to call it, son,

this is the opportunity
of a lifetime.

And it would just break my
heart to see you pass it up.

Well, if you really
feel that way about it.

How else can I feel?

Take it, please.


Well, here's the money.

Five, ten, eleven,
twelve, thirteen.

You can just keep the change.

Well, thanks, son.

This has made my day.

Mr. Friendly Freddy?

About the lifetime guarantee...

Huh? Li-Lifetime guarantee?

Oh, yeah. What about it?

Well, for what you
charged me for the watch,

ten or fifteen years
would be more than fair.

And a happy afternoon
to you, Sergeant Carter.

What is it, Pyle?

I'm trying to catch up
with this paperwork.

What do you want?

Oh, I thought I'd just
stop by and kill some time.

Well, kill it somewhere else.

I got to clear all this up before
I can get out of here, so beat it.

Well, maybe I could
pitch in and help.

I got plenty of time.

Pyle, you got your pass.

Go into town, to a movie,
someplace, just get out of here.

Right, Sergeant,
but before I go,

would you happen
to have the right time?

Pyle, will you
clear out of here?!

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I just wanted to show
off my new gold watch.


My new gold watch.

That's right, you
hadn't seen it.

Let me see that.

You don't have to worry about
dropping it, either, Sergeant,

'cause it's guaranteed

And it's also waterproof
and dustproof.

Gold, huh?

You mean this is really gold?

Positively. 18 karats,

with 21 jewels to boot.

And it's waterproof,
dustproof, shockproof...

What'd you do, Pyle,
blow your whole pay?

Guess what it cost,
Sergeant, just guess.

Well, a gold watch like this

should cost at least
a hundred clams.

You're just a little bit off.

You paid more?


Then what did you pay for it?

12 dollars and 95 cents.

$12.95 for this watch?!

Including sales tax

and a lifetime guarantee.

Do you think I got a
good deal, Sergeant?

For a watch that's shockproof...

Good deal! Pyle, how can anybody

sell you a gold
watch for $12.95?!

Those were my feelings
exactly, Sergeant.

So I asked Freddy...
That's Friendly Freddy.

He's the fella
that sold it to me.

And he explained it to me

that his supplier
was overstocked,

and he had to
unload... Overstocked?!

Pyle, when it comes to
brains, you're under-stocked.

In fact, you've got the lowest
inventory on the entire base!


Look, Pyle, use your
head for a minute.

A gold watch selling for $12.95
has either got to be a phony,

or else it's hot!

Hot?! You don't
mean that's it's...

Yeah, Pyle.

Swiped, stolen, filched!

It happens every day.

A guys goes into a washroom,

takes off his watch,

and the next thing
you know, it's gone.

But, Sergeant, Freddy said
he bought it from his supplier.

You mean his fence.

Now, let's face it, Pyle.

Right now in town there's
probably some poor guy

walking around without
his watch, and you've got it!

You bought a stolen watch!

Why, I never!

You did, too, Pyle.

Well, I don't want it!

Why, that's terrible.
Stolen goods?

Oh, why I didn't I go to the
PX and get my shower clogs?!

What am I going to do, Sergeant?

I don't care, but I'm
going to do something.

I've had it, Pyle.

It's not just you,
but every payday,

there's some petty crook
waiting around in ambush

for one of our guys,
and I'm getting sick of it.

But what are we
going to do, Sergeant?

First thing I'm going to
do is get your money back.

And then I'm going to make
this Freddy character wish

he'd never seen the base.

Now, where is he?

Well, last time I
saw him, Sergeant,

he was out by the back fence.

Oh, I feel awful about
this, Sergeant, just awful.

All right, Pyle, you go back
to the barracks and wait.

I'll handle this crook.

Well, Sergeant, would you tell
that Freddy something for me?

Tell him, after what he's done,

not to expect any
word-of-mouth business from me.

Thought you could get
away with it, didn't you?!

Coming around here
fleecing my guys.

Well, you've had it,
buster! You have had it!

What do you want, Sergeant?

Just tell me what you want!

I'll tell you what I want... The
money back for this watch.

The money? Well, why
didn't you say so, Sergeant?

I'd be glad to
give you a refund.

Ah, don't hand me
that stuff, you phony!

You mean, you're going
to give me the money?

Of course. Here.

And you tell your buddy
I'm sorry he wasn't happy.

You mean, you're
giving me a refund?

Well, of course I'm
giving you a refund.

And I'll also give you
an explanation, also.

Because you're
entitled to it. Yeah?

Yeah. You want to know
about this watch, Sergeant?

Well, right now
it's in the window

of Wilson's Jewelry
Store, selling for $97.50.

And that's on sale!

Oh, come on. What do you
take me for, some kind of rube?

I was raised in
the city, mister.

You know, with
people and freeways.

All right, you were
born in the city,

but you still got a lot to
learn about merchandising.

Okay, then you tell me.

How do you sell a $100
gold watch for $12.95?

Simple. Low overhead.

Low overhead? Why, sure.

You go downtown

to any of these
high-class jewelry stores,

and what do you see?

Fancy fixtures, thick carpets,

high-priced salesman.

Do you see any of
it around here? Huh?

Do you see it?

No, but, well, I still don't see

how a gold watch
can sell for $12.95.

There's got to be a catch.

Of course there's a catch,

and it's the markup.

The markup?

Have you any idea
of the markup? No.

Well, not many of us know
there's a 60 and 70% profit

attached to these luxury items.

And when you buy
by the carload...

The carload?

Of course! I'm a
high-volume dealer.

I make a tiny profit, but
I go for the big turnover.

Even taking this time to talk
to you is costing me money,

but it's worth it.

I mean, how many
times do I get to talk shop

with a guy who
understands the business?

Well, I was always
pretty good in arithmetic.

Yeah. Good.

Well, let me really
explain it to you.

Now when the manufacturer
gets an item, see,

any product, you know,
particularly a watch...

How in the world could I
fall for such a scheme, Duke?

Imagine me being so foolish.

It's not as if I
was two years old.

I'm a grown man, a Marine,
a high school graduate!

Gomer, stop
aggravating yourself.

It was just one of those things.

You got taken. Chalk
it up to experience.

Well, one thing for sure...

Sergeant Carter's not going
to let him get away with it.

No, sir. I'll bet you he puts
that fella out of business

and gets my money back.

I wouldn't count on it, Gomer.

Right now, that Freddy character

and your $13 are probably
halfway across the border.

Well, I sure hope
he enjoys that money

and has hisself a good time,

'cause he's got his
conscience to live with.

Sergeant Carter,
did you find him?

Did you find that
Friendly Freddy?

Did you catch up
with him? Did you?

Yeah, Pyle, I found him.

I knew it! I knew it!

See there, Duke?

When Sergeant Carter starts
to do something, he does it.

Did you get my
money back for me?

I did better than that, Pyle.

I got your watch back.

My watch? Yeah.

And see that you
take good care of that.

A watch like that
can last you a lifetime.

But, Sergeant, what
about it being stolen?

You know, hot, like you said?

Oh, there's nothing
to worry about there.

We had a little talk. You did?

Yeah, and I made
a little investment

with Friendly Freddy myself.

Just feast your
eyes on that, huh?


A fur piece!

How in the world
could you afford

a thing like that, Sergeant?

Simple, Pyle... low overhead!

This ain't just a
fur piece, Pyle.

This is a genuine
silver-frosted, ranch-grown fox.

Man, it sure looks great, Sarge.


I just can't wait till
Bunny sees this.

It'll make up for
her birthday present.

She wasn't crazy
about them bath salts.

It sure will.

It must have cost you
a fortune, Sergeant.

Take a guess.

What do you think it cost?

Well, my sister's
got one like that.

Cost her about 200 bucks.

$49.95, and that
includes a free cleaning.

$49.95 for that?

Well, how in the world
could they sell you

a snazzy-looking fur
like that for so little?

Well, obviously, Pyle,

you don't understand
the ins and outs

of modern-day merchandising.

But $49.95, Sergeant...

It sounds impossible.

Look, Pyle, I'll
explain it to you.

When you buy a fur
like this downtown,

you pay for a lot of extras.

But when you deal with
a guy like Friendly Freddy,

you forget all that, you
cut out the middle man.

It's like dealing
directly with the fox.

My, my. I sure would like
to see Miss Bunny's face

when you give her that package.

When are you going to give
it to her, Sergeant? When?

Well, I thought I'd take her to
the Five O'clock Club tonight

and give it to her there.

Oh, I'd give anything
to see her face light up.

Well, tonight at the
Five O'clock Club.

That's where
you'll see it happen.

Gosh, Sergeant,
if you don't mind,

I'd like to be there
just to see it. That's all.

I won't interfere or nothing.

Be my guest.

Come on, Vince, tell me. No.

Please. No.

Oh, come on, Vince, now
tell me what's in the package.

I can't stand the suspense.

I already told you, Bunny,
I want it to be a surprise.

The evening's still young.

Oh... you and your surprises.

If I guess it, will you
tell me if I'm right?

Okay, but you'll never
guess in a million years.

A shower curtain.


Ironing board cover?


Not another box of bath salts?

No. I told you
you wouldn't get it.

So just be patient.

The pizza will be
here in a minute,

we'll drink a toast, and then
we'll open it. Is that okay?

Okay, but I should
have known better.

With you, everything has
to be done by the numbers.

Hey, Sergeant
Carter, Miss Bunny.

Oh, hi, Gomer.

I wanted to get here
sooner, but I missed the bus.

Did you give her the fur yet?

A fur? You bought me a fur?


Pyle, you stupid nitwit,
you spoiled the surprise.

Shazam! You mean
you hadn't told her yet?


It's gorgeous.

And it's real.

A real fur.

Oh, Vince.

I'll say.

It's a silver-frosted,
ranch-grown fox.

Right, Sergeant?

Yeah, yeah, but do you
have to blab everything?

Oh, Vince, you big lug,

this is the nicest
surprise I've ever had.


The sergeant and I knew
you'd just love it, Miss Bunny,

and boy, did he
get a terrific buy.


Come on, Vince, let's dance.

I want everybody
to see my new fur.

Enjoy yourselves.

I'll mind the beer.

♪ ♪

My fox! My fox!

Wh-What happened?

Bunny, I-I don't know
what happened. I got...

It's... it's a fake!

Oh, Vince Carter, you're...

I wish I'd have
been there to see it.

The fur was really
flying, huh, Gomer?

It wasn't funny, Duke,
it wasn't funny at all.

Not funny?

A fox fur molting

in the middle of the
dance floor is not funny?

Come on, Gomer, where's
your sense of humor?

Well, it's a mess, Duke.

Miss Bunny will probably
never speak to him again,

and that's just
gonna break his heart.

If I know Carter, what's
breaking his heart right now

is that $49.95 he
blew on the fur.

If I could find that
Friendly Freddy,

I'd get Sergeant Carter's
money back for him.

Kiss it good-bye, Gomer.

The best thing for you to
do right now is forget about it.

It's just like my
grandma used to say:

"When you try to get
something for nothing,

"that's just what
you end up with...

Something that's worth nothing."

Hello, men. SLATER:
What's doing, Hummel?

Well, what do you think?

What do we think about what?

This. This new watch of mine.

Shazam! Where'd you get it?

Well, I happened to be
passing the pool hall in town,

and a fellow out front
there sold it to me.

Do you have any
idea what I paid?

Uh-huh, $12.95.


How did you know?

I got one just like it.

Friendly Freddy strikes again.

That his name?

Friendly Freddy?

No. This fella's
name is Lucky Louie.

Lucky Louie? That's probably
just his downtown name.

You know where I can find him?

Well, uh, I imagine he's
still at the pool hall, but...

Maybe if I hurry, I
can still catch him

and get Sergeant
Carter's money back.

Wait a minute!

What's going on?

Congratulations, PFC Hummel,

you've just been initiated to
membership in the Patsy Club.

So there you are!

I'm sorry to ruin
your shot, Mr. Freddy,

but there's something I
got to talk to you about.

Well, well, if it isn't my
old Marine buddy PFC Lyle.

Pyle, Gomer Pyle.

Of course, Gomer.

Nice to see you again, son.

How about a little
game of rotation?

I'm just learning
the game myself.

I couldn't think about
playing a game right now.

You just don't know all
the trouble you've caused.

Trouble, son, what
kind of trouble?

Well, you know that fur that
you sold Sergeant Carter?

Well, all the fur
blew out of it,

and it's balder than
that there cue ball.

It's what?!

That's right.

It happened right out
there on the dance floor.

It was awful, just awful.

You're kidding.

No, and you should
see what happened

to Sergeant Carter
and Miss Bunny.

They may never talk
to each other again.

Oh, that darn furrier.

How could he do this to me?

You deal with
somebody for 20 years

and he slips you a second.

You mean you didn't know
that fox fur wasn't any good?

You think I want
to cut my throat?

I spent 20 years building
a clientele and now this.

What can I do?

What can I do to help?

Tell me.

Well, you could start off

by giving Sergeant
Carter his money back.

His money back?

Yeah, that way, there
wouldn't be any trouble

'cause he was fixing
to go to the police.

The p...

Come on, now,
there's no need for that.

Let's see now, it
was $49.95, wasn't it?

Here you go, Pyle.

10, 20, 30.

Well, here, take this
50 and keep the change.

Well, thank you very
much, Mr. Friendly Freddy,

and thank you for
Sergeant Carter.

Well, that's okay.

You tell the sergeant
to use the money

and maybe take his girl
to some fancy restaurant

to square things with her.

Well, I will, then.

Thank you very much.

It's a pleasure doing
business with you.

Okay, and you
tell Sergeant Carter

that I'm sorry about
this whole thing

and I'm gonna go
straight to that furrier

and tell him a couple of things.

Aw, well... No,
no, it's humiliating.

I mean humiliating.

Excuse me. Huh?

Well, this transistor
radio you sold me,

it doesn't seem to be working.

Well... I'll be right with you.

So long, Pyle.

So long.

What'd you do,
kid, open the back?

You must have opened the back.

I can't believe it.

You mean he actually gave
you the dough without a fight?

That's right, Sergeant,

and he was just as nice
as he could be about it.

I guess this
teaches us a lesson.

Before condemning a person,

you ought to give them
the benefit of the doubt.

Well, maybe so, but after
what happened with that fur,

I thought he was
a swindler for sure.

It just goes to show:

you can't judge a
crook by his cover.

A crook by his cover.

That's a good one, Sergeant.

I'll have to remember
that and tell it to Duke.

You know something?

I think I'll take that
Freddy's advice

and use this dough to
buy Bunny a fancy dinner.

Hey, that's a good
idea, Sergeant.

You could take her
to that pancake place

on the highway...
Buckwheat Bill's.

She'd just love that.

They got 27 different
kinds of syrup.

Syrup? Pancakes?

What's the matter
with you, Pyle?

This calls for something classy,

like that fancy French
restaurant Le Petit Château.

A little candlelight and wine.

It'll cost a bundle,
but I'll shoot the works.

Oh, what a wonderful reunion.

I'd give anything to be there.

I just love happy endings.

Well, look, Pyle,

since you're kind of responsible

for getting my dough back,

why don't you come
around tomorrow night

at the restaurant?

Oh, no, Sergeant,

this night is just for
you and Miss Bunny.

I'd enjoy having
dinner with you, but I...

Who said anything about dinner?

Come around later for coffee.

Well, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

And to think

you didn't even want to
talk to me when I called.

I must have been in that
phone booth for an hour.

Well, you can't exactly
blame me, Vince,

after what happened.

Oh, honey, let's
not bring that up.

Uh, Miss?

Uh, I'll take a
handful of these.

And here, this is for you, Bun.

Just put it on my check.

Thank you.

Vince, that's beautiful.


Hey, everybody.

Oh, hi, Gomer.

Pyle, it's you.

Grab a chair.

Bunny and me was just
having a little after-dinner talk.

I saw what you
was doing, Sergeant.

It didn't have nothing
to do with talking.

Oh, it's a sight for sore eyes

to see you two lovebirds
billing and cooing.

Well, it's been a
perfect evening.

Hasn't it, honey?

Oh, it's been an evening
I'll never forget, Vince.


Look, it's getting
a little late,

and Bunny has to get home.


Garçon, le check.

Mm, bien.

The check, monsieur.

Ah... a $50 bill.

It's... the smallest
thing I have.

Of course, monsieur.

Well, Bunny, shall we
have a last one for the road?

Why not?

Who should we drink to?

How about Pyle?

No, not me, Sergeant.

I know.

Why don't you drink to the man
that made this evening possible?

Friendly Freddy.

I'll drink to that.

I will, too.

To Friendly Freddy,
and to you, Vince,

for showing me the nicest
evening a girl ever had.


It's no use, Pyle, she's
just not going to answer.

Well, don't aggravate
yourself, Sergeant.

Maybe she's just
taking a shower.

That's a long shower.

I've been dialing
since last night.

Boy, I've never seen
Bunny this steamed before.

Things could have been worse.

If that restaurant
manager hadn't let you go,

you could have gone to jail

for passing off
counterfeit money.

That's a federal offense.

What do you mean "let me go"?

I had to sign a sworn statement

I'd pay that tab next payday.

We sure been having
a run of bad luck.

Haven't we, Sergeant?


A lot you got to complain about.

I got stuck with a
bum fur, a phony bill,

and my girl won't
even speak to me.

At least you got that watch.

What watch?

The watch you're wearing.

Oh, that's not a watch.

That's just the green
band that the watch left

before it stopped running
and I throwed it away.

You mean that watch
was no good either?

Of course not, Sergeant.

It's like you said.

You can't expect to get
a gold watch for $12.95.

Pyle, do me a favor, will you?

Just shut up!