Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 26 - Where There's a Will - full transcript

Sergeant Carter sends Gomer on a one week assignment to jump out of airplanes, as a way to get rid of him. When Gomer takes out a life insurance policy and names the sergeant as beneficiary, the sergeant feels guilty.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Well, just keep the
men busy until chow.

And drop by Communications
to check the teletype

just in case something important

should come up
while I'm in town.

Right, Sarge. Don't worry.

(loud crash)

What was that?

I don't know.

I should've known.

Pyle! Hey, Sergeant.

Aren't you finished
with this paint detail yet?

Oh, everything's
coming along just fine.

I just have a little
bit more to do.

Look out, Sergeant!

(Carter screams)

Golly, I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I sure hope I didn't hurt you.

But I would've
hurt myself real bad

if you hadn't broken my fall.

Pyle, you knucklehead!

Does everything always have
to end in disaster with you?

Well, I truly am
sorry, Sergeant,

but I lost my balance is what.

You see, when I get
up real high, I get dizzy.

How can you tell?

Well, I... Pyle, I hope you
have no plans this weekend

because there are a few
things you've got to take care of.

First, you're going
to clean up this mess

and finish this paint
detail once and for all.

Then you're going to practice
getting down from the roof...

Up down, up down...
Till you learn how to do it.

Right, Sergeant. If it turns out

that the only way you
can get down from the roof

is by falling down, then
I've got a suggestion.

You better take out
some insurance, lots of it.

Life insurance, accident...

And see if you can get
some stupid insurance.

Oh, you're still here, Sarge?

I thought you'd
be in town by now.

I thought so, too, but
Pyle changed my plans.

What did headquarters
want anyway?

They want you to pick six
men for some experiment

in a special training unit.

Okay, so pick them.

Just take six men and...

This special training...

Does it take place
off the base? Yeah.

Good, you got
your first man, Pyle.

Well, wait a minute, Sarge.

You haven't heard
what the project is.

Who cares? It's a
chance to get rid of Pyle

for a few days, ain't
it? Put him down.

Sarge, listen. Put him
down, put him down.

Will you wait a minute, Sarge?

The project is for
paratroop training.

Huh? That's right.

Listen to this.

"This will be a special
accelerated program

"to discover whether in an
emergency, regular troops

"may readily be
turned into paratroops

in a minimum of seven days."

Don't you see?

Pyle is gonna have to
go up in a plane and jump.

Put him down, put him down.

Sarge, you can't.

Huh, why can't I?

Pyle, a guy who
falls off the roof.

You're gonna send up in a
plane with the door open?

Could be the best thing
that ever happened to him.

Might cure him
of his clumsiness.

Yeah, permanently.

What's the matter
with you, Boyle?

I just see this as a chance
to get Pyle off my back

and out of my hair
for "X" number of days.

If he can't cut that special
training, he'll drop out.

I know, the hard way.

Oh, Boyle, what are
you worried about?

If he turns into a real
clown, they'll dump him.

In the meantime, he'll
be away from here.

Sarge, I still think
you ought to give him

a chance to decide for himself.

He's liable to panic.

All right, Boyle, all right.

I'll give him that chance.

I'll put it to him so
it's purely voluntary.

He can take it or leave it.

But he'll take it.

You're sure?

Put him down, put him down.

Now, you men were
chosen for this exercise

because I thought it
might appeal to you.

However, I think it's
only fair to warn you

that this project is not
exactly fun and games.

Therefore, if you have
any second thoughts

about wanting
to pull out, say so.

Don't stand on
ceremony, speak up.

If you don't want to go, say so.

Good! Well, so long, boys.

I should also remind you

that this is the
chance of a lifetime.

The opportunity to do
something for the Corps.

Well, so long, boys...

And I should also tell
you that I will personally

take it as an insult if
any of you back out,

since I was the
one who picked you.

All right, Pyle, say it.

Sergeant, I can't talk
for the rest of the men,

but I've reconsidered.

Yeah? And reconsidered
and reconsidered.

And I'd just like to say
one thing, "No, thank you.

No, thank you, I
don't want to back off."

If you picked me for this rough,
rugged, dangerous training,

then I'm more bound
and determined than ever

to justify your faith in my me.

Oh, good.

The rest of you
boys feel that way?

ALL: Aye, aye, Sergeant.

Okay, then you can
take off, and good luck.

Watch it, Pyle!

I'm okay, Sergeant.

I almost forgot something.

What, Pyle, what?

This is for you, take it.

What is it?

You'll see.

Watch it, Pyle!

He had to fall down.

He had to, just to
give me confidence.

But you can't say I didn't
give him a chance to pull out.

What's that? Huh? I don't know.

Probably some letter he
wants mailed, the knucklehead.

Here, take care of it, will you?

Hey, Sarge.

Hey, Sarge. Huh?

This isn't a letter. Its'
open and addressed to you.

What? You know what this is?

It's a policy, an
insurance policy.

Huh? What'd he
give it to me for?

I got an idea. Let me look.

It's what I suspected,
but I didn't believe it.

Boyle, what are
you talking about?

Remember that fall
he took off the roof?

I guess he took you
up on your suggestion.

Sarge, this is a $10,000
life insurance policy,

but that's not all.

Look here.

"Beneficiary, Vincent Carter"?

That's you.

The man that's sending
him into the paratroops.

Huh? A kid that falls
down inside a truck.

I guess that's his
way of saying "thanks."

You know what I
think, Boyle? What?

I think Pyle made
me the beneficiary

in his insurance policy
just to bug me. Huh?

That's right. It was spite work.

And that's why he didn't pull
out of that paratroop project.

It's to make me sweat a little.

Come on, Sarge.

Well, what else is it?

All of a sudden he takes
out an insurance policy

and I'm the beneficiary.
Why, huh, why?

Well, first, you did
suggest it to him

when he fell off the roof.

And second, I guess
he considers you

his nearest and dearest friend.

Face it, Sarge, he
decided to leave it all to you

because he's nuts about you.

Little does he know, huh?

Aw, get out of here.

He's giving me the
needle, that's what it is.

Oh, come on, Sarge.

Pyle's got your
best interest at heart.

He takes out a policy

and decides to
leave it all to you.

And what's the thanks he gets?

You stick him in
a paratroop outfit.

Knock it off, Boyle.

I gave him a chance to
pull out, you were there.

No, I know what it is.

He's giving the
sarge a little zinger.

And that's what you're
trying to do right now, too.

Well, I got some
big, fat news for you.

If you think I'm gonna lose
any sleep over it, you're crazy.

GOMER: Geronimo!


GOMER (singsongy):
Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Carter?

Sergeant Carter?


How do you do, Sergeant?

First, may I offer
my condolences

and my deepest sympathy

for this great personal
loss that you have suffered.

Huh? May I?

I will need your signature
on these papers, Sergeant.

What papers?

What are you talking about?

The legacy, the bequest.

The small fortune left to you
by your generous benefactor.

Gomer Pyle.

What fortune?

What is this?

Sergeant, Private Pyle named
you his beneficiary in his policy.

You're the sole heir
to the insurance money

left because of Private
Pyle's untimely demise.

I say "small fortune"

because it is in the
amount of $10,000.



Wait a minute.

Ten Gs, 10,000
bucks... Pyle left that?

Yes, Sergeant.

Pyle left that pile.


Forgive me, Sergeant,

a little levity at a time
like this does not hurt.

No! I-I-I don't want
it. I won't take it.


I don't care how much there is.

I don't want it!

You cannot refuse it, Sergeant.

After all, it's
what you planned.

What does that mean?

I only mean it's
not the first time

that the beneficiary
and the murderer

happen to be one in the
same person, eh, Sergeant?

(devilish laughter)

Murderer? What are
you talking about?

You are the
beneficiary, correct?

Yeah. You did send

Gomer Pyle to the
paratroops, correct?


Here's your check made out

to you in the amount of $10,000.

I don't want it.
I won't take it.

You must take it, Sergeant.

Take it and enjoy it.

If you can.

(devilish laughter)
No, no, I won't!

I won't!


I won't! I won't! Sarge.

Sarge? Sarge? No! No!

Are you okay? Are
you feeling all right?



Yeah, I'm all right.

Uh, look, Boyle.

I've been thinking.

We got to get Pyle out of
that paratroop unit. Huh?

Yeah, it's, uh, a little risky.

You never should've put
him down in the first place.

I should never?!
It wasn't my idea!

Well, you never
should've done it.

You told me to!

Well, do you have to
do everything I tell you?

Okay, we'll get him out.

You're darn right
we'll get him out.

I'm going over to
that base personally

and get him out. You?


Nobody's gonna fool
around with my conscience.

Not even for $10,000.

MAN: three four.
Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.
Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two, three, four.

Come on, come
on! Move it, move it!

You people have only
got a week to get in shape.

Come on, let's toughen up
those legs before we break them.

Two, three and halt!

All right! All right!

Now, this next exercise
was designed to...

(plane soars overhead)

on the second and fourth counts.

All right? Fine!


Yes, sir, Sergeant Baird.

Would you mind repeating
those instructions?

I'm afraid that airplane broke

my concentration
just a little bit.

You people better
learn to pay attention.

It may save your
live on Tuesday.

All right? Fine.

(plane soars overhead)
Now, what I was saying was...

Did you get it that time?

(mouths words)


Looking for somebody, Sarge?

No, sorry, Sergeant.
You carry on.

Just thought I'd drop by and see

how the trainees
were coming along.

My people, you know. Oh, yeah.

Okay, group.

At ease.

Sergeant Carter. Baird.

You say these are your people?

Yeah. You didn't notice any of
them that were below average?

No, I'd say your
people are real average.

Oh, thanks.

There wasn't any
particular volunteer

who stood out as, uh... stupid?

Oh, sure.

All para-boots have rough
corners on them at first.

Don't you worry about
it. We'll knock them off.

Yeah, huh?

Uh, well, the
reason I ask is, uh,

I might have made a
mistake with one of my men.

So, if you feel anyone
can't stand the gaff

and you want to roust
him out well, you can do it

without hurting my
feelings, Sergeant.

I'll keep that in mind.

But we don't expect
anyone to wash out.

Yeah, huh?

Now, uh, if you'll excuse me,

we'd like to get your
people into shape.

Feel free to
observe if you'd like.

All right?

All right.

A ten-hut!

Running in place, double-time!

Hut, two, three, four,

hut, two, three, four,

hut, two, three, four,

hut, two, three, four,

hut, two, three, four!

Squad, halt!

At ease!

Hey, Sergeant,
it's nice to see you.

How you doing, Pyle?

Oh, bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed.

Yeah, huh?

Uh, listen, Pyle,

I don't know if I
made it clear to you

but this experiment
is a little risky.

Oh, I know, Sergeant.

I'll tell you the truth,

I'd feel awful if anything
happened to you.

Aww. No, I would.

And speaking of
something happening to you,

that envelope you
handed me the other day

right before you left...

Oh, Sergeant... Listen, Pyle.

Why did you do that?

What'd you wanna do that for?

Make out an
insurance policy to me?


Don't you know, Sergeant?


Well, I'll tell you why.

(plane roaring)

(roaring continues)

And that's why I did it.

Huh? Simple as that.

Well, I still don't
know... BAIRD: Ten-hut!

Right face!

Forward march!

Hut, two, three, four.

Hut, two... That's it.

'J' for Jump Day.

I tried, Boyle.

I tried.

I talked to Pyle, I
talked to his sergeant.


Well, you never can tell, Sarge.

Some guys freeze,
that last minute.

If that should happen to Pyle,

well, they'll just
cancel his jump.

You think so?

They might. Nah.

Freeze nothing.

The guy behind
him just pushes him

out the hatch and down he goes.

You mean...
Boyle, will stop that!

You're the one that started it.

All right, don't help me.

What's with the platoon?

I got two guys
down for sick call,

oh, and I'm taking Dumbrowski
off of garbage detail.

He was put on that
for punishment, y'know.

Yeah, I know, so why
you taking him off?

Because he's enjoying it!

Huh? Well, yeah, he told me

the other day not to take
him off garbage detail,

pleaded with me.

So what kind of
punishment is that?


Don't you get it?

He's says that so
you will take him off.


It's what they call reverse

or negative psychology.

It's throwing out
bait is what it is.

If you don't want something,

you act like you do want it.

Women use it all the time.

And you know who else uses it?

Sergeants. Huh?

That's right.

Sergeants who wanna
get themselves off the hook.

They use it, too.
Where you going?

Over to that paratroop base.

To use Dumbrowski's theory.

Good old Dumbrowski.

How can I ever thank him?

Of course, keep him
on the garbage detail.

Hey, Sergeant!

How's that one doing?

Huh? Pyle?

He's okay. Good.

Let's keep it that way.

Fingers crossed. Huh?

Boy, if he can lick his
problem once and for all

you'll be a real hero, Sergeant.

What are you talking about?

Pyle's fear of heights.

Oh, nuts!

I wasn't going to
say anything about it,

it just slipped out.

Nothing, Sergeant, forget it.

Wait a minute,
what fear of heights?

Son of a gun!

I didn't intend to
tell anybody about it

until after, but, well,
if he's got the guts

to try to conquer
his fear of heights

by throwing himself
out of an airplane,

you gotta give
him credit, and pity.

Smile, he sees us.

Is that all Pyle has?

I thought it was
something contagious.


Who ever heard of
catching fear of heights?

And double vision, and vertigo?

Double vision and vertigo?

You're turning me

into a regular
blabbermouth, Sergeant.

Well, listen, Carter...
Oh, another thing,

when he has one
of these dizzy spells,

he sort of freezes, you know?

So, if he blocks the hatch

well, I hope he doesn't
foul up your exercise

and cost you one of your stripes

But, well, let's
face it, Sergeant.

Whatever happens,

you'll know that's
the way he wanted it.

All right?

All right.

Is he looking this way?


Be seeing you soon, Pyle.

Y'know, there's
something kinda touching

about the look on a guy

who's buying a bill of goods.

So what happens now?

What happens?


Pyle, was supposed to
be jumping this morning.

But instead he should
be reporting back here...

right about... now!

(phone rings)

Company "B," Corporal Boyle.


I can't hear you.

There seems to be an
airplane on this connection.

There is, Corporal.

It's our jump plane.

Could I talk to Sergeant
Carter for just a teeny bit?

Hello, Sergeant.

I just called up to
invite you down here

to see me justify
your faith in me.

What're you talking about, Pyle?

He's gonna let you jump?

Out of a plane?


All six of us, thanks to you.

Uh, thanks to me?


And thank you, Sergeant,
for telling Sergeant Baird

about my fear of
heights and my dizziness.

'Cause after you talked to him,

he come down here and told me,

that if you was
willing to let me fight it,

he wouldn't stop me.

So I'm gonna fight it, Sergeant.

Thanks to you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Wait, Pyle. Listen.

I'm sorry, Sergeant,
I got to go now.

I got to go up there
and go "Geronimo!"


Hello? Hello?

Get the jeep! What's the matter?

We gotta get out there

and stop that
knucklehead from jumping.

Now, get the jeep!

You mean, Dumbrowski's theory

didn't work after
all? Get the jeep!

Get the jeep!

Hold it!

(airplane whirring)

Is that them?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they're circling.

They'll be jumping
in a minute. Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there goes the first one!

Well, that's not Pyle.

I'm sure it's not Pyle.
How do you know?

Because he's falling too nice.

Well, there goes another!

That's not Pyle either, I know.

Can I see?

There goes number three.


Four. Yeah.


There's supposed to be six.

You know what I think?

I think Pyle isn't one of them.

I know, I'm sure.

I'd recognize that long
drink of water anywhere.

Even in space.

You know what Boyle?

They yanked him at the
last minute, that's what!

They had to! Hey, look, Sarge.

There's number six.

That's gotta be Pyle, right?

Yeah, that's Pyle.

He's trying to fly.

Hey, look, Sarge.

It looks like his
parachute isn't opening.

He's dropping like a rock!

He's going straight down!

Boyle, his shoot didn't open!

It didn't open!

Well, you can't tell, Sarge.

What do you mean I can't tell?

I saw it, I saw it didn't
open! Well, it dropped

behind that hill and
maybe it opened late!

Well, come on, let's
get over there fast!

Well, it was around
here, wasn't it?

This is behind the hill.

I don't see any parachute.

I don't see anything.

Well, we saw him
falling this way.

But you know, sometimes
they float for miles, Sarge.

He could still be floating.

Trying to make me feel good,

aren't you, Boyle?

Well, go ahead
and say it, Boyle.

I wanted to get rid of Pyle,

well, I sure did.

Aw, come on, Sarge.

Well, it's true, ain't it?

Ain't it?

He was like a kid

that depended on
me for everything.

I kept kicking him away from me.

Always he kept reaching
out for me, calling.

I guess he was just
one of those guys

that needs a little
extra help, that's all.

I suppose it'll stay
with me for a long while,

the way he used to call.

GOMER: Sergeant Carter?

Yeah, I'll be hearing
that for a good long while.

GOMER: Sergeant Carter?

Sarge, I hear him.

Well, he used to
call out to you, too.

No, listen.

GOMER: Sergeant Carter!

Hey, Sergeant, Corporal Boyle.

Pyle, what happened?

Well, I'm as sorry
as I can be, Sergeant.

My parachute kinda got
fouled up in this here tree.

How do you like that, Boyle?

It opened after all.

How about that?

And we were thinking
that Pyle was...

What were you
doing up there, Pyle?!

Sitting and spying on us?

Is that what?!

No, Sergeant.

I couldn't hear you at all.

I was hoping you'd go away.

On account I was embarrassed
for you to see me this way.


Well, okay. You can
come on down now.

Well, how, Sergeant?


Loosen that harness

around your waist
and just slip out of it.

I'll try, Sergeant, but
it ain't gonna be easy.

Pyle, just unbuckle
it and slip out.

Is that so difficult?

No, Sergeant, it's
just that these things...

Look out, Sergeant!


Golly, I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I hope I didn't hurt you,

but I'd been hurt real bad

if you hadn't broke my fall.

That's the second time this week

you broke my fall
and saved my neck.

Nothing can happen to me

as long as you're
around, huh, Sergeant?

Yeah, I'm not surprised.

I'm not surprised at all.

Huh? What's the matter?

Gray hair.

I'm not surprised after
that week with Pyle.

Oh, come on, Sarge.

No, I'm not kidding,
another week like that

and I'll be ready
for retirement.

Well, everything's
back to normal again.

You've your Gomer
Pyle under foot again.

(crash) Yeah... Or over head.

Pyle, what're doing up there?

I thought that paint
detail was finished

last week. Oh, hey, Sergeant.

It was.

I was just doing
some touch-up work.

But you wanna know
what the best part is?

I'm up here and I
don't even feel dizzy.

Great. Now if you could only

figure out a way not to look it.

I mean it, Sergeant.

That paratroop
experiment really worked.

I'm up here and I
don't even feel afraid.

Look at this, Sergeant.



Look, Sergeant, eyes closed.

Pyle, you nitwit!
Get down from there!

You wanna fall and
break your neck?!

Pyle, you hear me?!

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I left those buckets there.

What happened?

Do you get dizzy and fall
down when you look up?

'Cause if you do there's
this insurance policy

for people that fall down a lot.

I know all about it.