Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 27 - Lost, the Colonel's Daughter - full transcript

Gomer is asked to take out Colonel Gray's daughter, Janice, because the colonel feels that Gomer is very safe. Gomer intends to take her to the movies but Janice, who has been attending an all women's college, has some very different ideas on how to spend an evening, which include going to a discotheque. Gomer winds up losing her and calls Sgt. Carter to help find her. Eventually they track her down to a wild party in Hollywood. Unfortunately, Janet's dress accidentally get's torn and they all are arrested for disturbing the peace. Now they must find a way to explain to the colonel what happened and try not to get into even hotter water.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, Sergeant.

I, uh, have a little
favor I'd like to ask you.

Yes, sir?

My daughter, Janice,
is coming home

from college this
weekend for a visit.

Yes, sir. I remember she
was here last year at this time.

Well, she's been working
awfully hard at school,



and Mrs. Gray and I
think that while she's here,

she ought to relax
and have some fun.

Yes, sir.

That's why I've
been looking around,

trying to find a
suitable escort.

An escort?

Oh. Yes, sir, I understand.

I want her to be with
someone reliable, dependable,

you know, trustworthy.

I understand, sir.

That's why I came
to your platoon

for the man I
want... Gomer Pyle.

Sir?

He and Janice met



at a Service Club
dance last year,

and they seemed to get along

very well. I see.

Of course, I only
met him casually,

and I'd like to know a
little more about him.

What's he like socially?

Socially, sir? Pyle?

Well, socially, there
really isn't much

to say about Pyle... socially.

No, what I mean is, Sergeant,

how does he spend his
time away from the base?

What does he do
on a Saturday night?

Well, sir, Pyle's idea
of a big Saturday night

is going to the movies,

maybe having a root
beer float at the soda shop,

watching the fountain
light up in the park,

and then straight home.

I see. You might
call it rather dull.

Dull, yes, sir.

I'd say dull. Dull. Dull!

Good! He's perfect! Sir?

Well, these things might
seem dull to you, Sergeant,

but they sound nice
and safe to a father.

I don't understand, sir.

Well, it may seem a little
old-fashioned, Sergeant,

but the way youngsters
behave nowadays,

the situations
they're exposed to,

a parent can't be too careful.

Yes, I feel much better knowing

that Janice is in good hands.

Gomer Pyle, it is.

Would you ask him if
he'd do me this favor?

Yes, sir. I'll take
care of everything.

Pyle will be there.

You don't want to go?!

Is that what you said?

Well, golly, Sergeant,

a pretty girl like Miss Janice,

who's used to all
kinds of big times...

She might not enjoy my company.

That's very true.

But the fact is, the colonel
asked for you specifically,

and I'm here to see that
nothing gets fouled up.

Now, what have you got
planned for Saturday night?

Well, nothing much really.

I just thought I'd
take in a movie.

Okay. What else
have you got in mind?

Well, then, I'll probably just
walk over to the soda shop,

and maybe down
to the tattoo parlor

and see some
needlework, and then home.

Swell, Pyle.

Only, forget the needlework.

Let's not expose
the colonel's daughter

to bare arms.

You really think she'll
have a good time, Sergeant?

Do I think so personally?

No. I think she'll
have a dull time.

Dull. Dull!

But that's what
the colonel wants.

Nice, safe company
for his daughter.

Well, Sergeant...

And safe means no holding hands,

no walking in the moonlight,

no park benches, no necking,

no parking, no nothing.

Right, Sergeant.

Have a good time.

Good evening, sir. Gomer Pyle.

Of course, Pyle. Come right in.

Thank you, sir.

Marsha, you remember Gomer Pyle.

Yes, of course. It's nice
to see you again, Gomer.

Please sit down.

Thank you, ma'am.

Janice will be
ready in a moment.

I sure hope I didn't
get here too early.

No, no, it'll give us a chance
to chat for a few minutes.

Uh, what were your plans
for the evening, Pyle?

Well, sir, I thought we'd
start out with a movie.

A movie! Well, that's
always a nice way

to spend Saturday night.

Oh, yes, especially
for you boys.

With all the marching
and hiking you do,

it gives you a chance
to rest your feet.

Well, the marching and hiking
don't bother me none, Mrs. Gray.

You see, I always wear
two pair of sweat socks.

Oh. You do?

PYLE: Yes, ma'am,
and before I start out,

I always make it a point

to douse my boots
with foot powder.

That way, I can just
keep going all day.

Oh. I see.

And then what,
Pyle, after the movie?

Well, I thought we'd
stroll over to J.J. Peters

for a hot fudge sundae.

They got the best hot
fudge sundaes there.

Do you like hot fudge
sundaes, ma'am?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Well, you ought to try these.

They use that low-cal ice cream

so you don't have to
worry about it going to fat.

Oh.

And after the sundae, Pyle?

Well, that's it. Home.

Good. Sounds fine.

Well, here's our little girl.

Hello, Gomer. Hey, ma'am.

It's nice to see you again.

I hope I haven't
kept you waiting.

Oh, no, ma'am. I was having
a nice chat with your folks.

Oh, good.

These are for you, ma'am.

Oh, thank you, Gomer.

I hope you don't have
any allergies. Do you?

I hope not.

There was this girl back home,

and every time I
brought her flowers,

she'd just bust out in hives.

Oh.

What I finally did, though,

was every time I'd
bring her flowers,

I'd just bring along a
bottle of calamine lotion.

(laughter)

Well, I guess you
kids want to be going.

Yes. Here, Mom. Come on, Gomer.

The sooner you get there,
the sooner you'll be back.

Now, let's see. The movie
should break around 10:00,

and you say you're
going to stop for a sundae,

so we should be looking
for you around 11:00,

11:15 at the latest.

Well, darling, since
it's Saturday night,

perhaps they'd like
to stay out a bit later.

Oh, well... COLONEL: No, no.

Gomer's already made his plans,

and, uh, it's not
for us to interfere.

Now, Gomer, you'll be
using Mrs. Gray's car.

I'm sure you'll drive carefully.

Oh, I will.

And don't you worry, Mrs. Gray.

I'll take off real
nice and easy,

and that way, I won't
foul up your plugs

or gunk up your valves.

Thank you, Gomer.

Well, now, you go
along, enjoy yourselves.

Have fun.

Yes, careful fun.

Oh, incidentally, Pyle,
here's our phone number.

If you think of it,

you might want to
phone us after the movie.

Oh, now, Daddy,
we'll be all right.

I know, dear, but your
mother is such a worrier.

Now, Ed, you know
you do all the worrying.

PYLE: Well, there's no
sense in anybody worrying.

Worrying causes warts,

and they sure wouldn't
look nice on you, ma'am.

So, if it'll set your mind at
ease, I'd be happy to call.

Good night, sir.
Good night, ma'am.

Night, Mom. Night,
Dad. Good night.

Night, Pyle. Night, Janice.
Good night, dear. Have fun.

It sure was nice of your mother

to lend us the car.

The bus is okay,

but you don't always
get to sit together,

and sometimes there's
chewing gum on the seats.

Uh, Gomer, may I
have the keys? Huh?

Would you mind
if I drove? Well...

I hardly ever get a chance
to drive, and it'd be fun.

Well, I guess it's all right.

You don't think your
daddy will mind, do you?

No, I'm sure it'd
be all right, Gomer.

Just give me the keys.

Well, if you hadn't
driven for a long time,

you better kind of take it easy.

(engine starting)

(engine revving)

(tires squealing)

(tires squealing)

(sighs)

Are you all right, Gomer?

I'll be fine, Miss Janice,

as soon as I catch
up with my stomach.

Wait a minute!

This is not the
movie house. I know.

PYLE: The Way Out A Go-Go Club?!

What are we doing here?

We're going dancing.

Come on. But Miss Janice...

Come on. Dancing?!

We're supposed
to go to the movies.

Oh, Gomer, you don't want to go

to a dull movie, do you?

But, Miss Janice, we made plans.

I know, but I've heard so
much about these go-go clubs,

and I've just been dying to
see what they're really like.

Can't we please go
in? But Miss Janice...

Look, Gomer, I don't get a
chance to have too much fun.

I work pretty hard at school
all semester, so when I'm home,

I like to relax and
really enjoy myself.

Well, we sure are
going to look out of place

according to the way the
rest of those folks are dressed.

Oh, no, we're not. Huh?

Well, what...?

Miss... Miss... Miss Janice?

Miss... Miss... Miss...

If you're going to do
something, you might as well

do it right.

Come on!

(rock music plays)

(whistles)

You wouldn't do that if you
knew who her daddy was!

(music plays loudly)

PYLE: Wait!

Wait, Miss Janice!

Oh, Gomer, doesn't
this look like fun?

What?!

I said, isn't this fun?

Yes!

Well, we've seen
all there is to see,

so I guess we might as well go.

Go?! Oh, but Gomer, we
haven't even danced yet.

Let's give it a try! Please!

Well...

Come on, try it. It's fun.

But I don't know how
to do this, Miss Janice.

Well, I don't really know
what I'm doing, either,

but it's fun.

Come on, give it a try.

Golly, if the colonel
could see us in this place,

acting up like this,
he'd just be furious.

I think we ought
to go, Miss Janice,

and I'm not going to take
no for an answer, either.

Your daddy is trusting me
to take real good care of you,

and that's just
what I'm going to do.

I think we ought
to go to the movies

just like we said we would.

Oh, I thought you
was Miss Janice.

What do you think
you're doing, you creep?

Miss Janice?

Miss Janice!

(music playing loudly)

Waiter! Waiter!

Yeah, Marine, what do you want?

Listen, I've lost
my girl friend,

and I wonder if you've seen her.

She has on one of
them little shorty skirts.

Oh, you mean a
miniskirt with a wide belt?

Yeah, that's her.
Have you seen her?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Her
and about 100 more like her.

Just take your pick.

Miss Janice!

Miss Janice?

Oh, golly, golly, golly!

(door closing)

PYLE: Sergeant Carter!

Sergeant Carter,
wait'll you hear!

Pyle, what are you doing here?

Why haven't you picked
up the colonel's daughter?

You know what time it is?

I did pick her up, Sergeant.
Then where is she?

You're supposed
to be at the movies.

I know, but it's
just terrible, awful.

You'll never believe
what happened.

What?! What happened?!

Well, I don't know how
to tell you this, Sergeant,

but I can't find her.

You can't find her?!

Where did you leave her?!

Well, we didn't
go to the movies.

Instead, we went
to this go-go club.

A go-go club?!

Uh-huh, and we was
out there dancing,

and the next thing I
knew, she wasn't there.

You... She's lost, Sergeant.

The colonel's daughter is lost!

(rock music playing inside club)

What were you doing in
this joint in the first place?

You were supposed
to be in the movies.

I knew we shouldn't
have gone in there,

but when Miss Janice started
pulling off her dress, I just...

Pulling off her...

Pyle, I don't want
to hear another word!

The colonel put me in charge
of this date, and what happens?

You lost his daughter!

But Sergeant, what
are we going to do?

I'll tell you what
we're going to do.

We're going to go in this
club, and turn it upside down.

Now, come on, let's move it!

I sure hope we find her.

I don't blame you.
Your life depends on it.

♪ ♪

All right, Pyle, where is she?

Where'd you lose her?

What'd you say, Sergeant?

I said, where were
you when you lost her?!

Well, it was
somewhere right here,

and then we walked over
this way and started dancing.

♪ ♪

Okay, Janice, come on!

We gotta get out of here.

Sorry.

It wasn't her, huh, Sergeant?

No.

Come on, let's look for her!

Sergeant!

Sergeant!

Hey, Sergeant, golly,
I just remembered

I told the Colonel that I'd
call right after the movie.

And it's about that time.

Then you better call him!

Come on, here's a phone booth.

Do you mind?

Uh, excuse us.

We wanna make a phone call.

Do you mind?

What am I gonna
tell him, Sergeant?

Oh, tell him, uh,

tell him you and Janice
are having a swell time

and everything's great.

That'll have to
do till we find her.

But, Sergeant, I
can't tell him that.

That's not the truth.

All right, Pyle.

You wanna know the truth?

You and me are about that far

from a court martial,
and that's the truth.

Now get on here and talk!

But Sergeant... No buts, Pyle.

I still say it's only gonna
make matters worse.

Hello!

Colonel Gray, this is PFC. Pyle.

I'm calling like
I said I would...

Well, bye!

Wait a minute,
Pyle. Where are you?

Where am I?

Oh, well, I'm right
here in a phone booth.

Yes, well, where's the phone?

Where's the phone?

Uh, well, it's right
here in the booth.

Tell him you're in
the movie lobby.

The lobby, Pyle, what's
the matter with you?!

And what is all
that noise I hear?

Noise?

Oh, well, that's
Sergeant Carter.

You wanna talk to him?

Uh, good evening, sir.

How are you, sir?

Sergeant, I didn't know
you were part of the date.

Oh, oh, well, uh...

I just happened to run
into Gomer and Janice

in the movie.

It was just a happy
coincidence, sir.

Get out of here!

Get out of here and stay out!

What's all that, Carter?

Is anything wrong?

Oh, uh, no, sir.

Uh... an usher just happened
to catch somebody smoking

and he's asking
him to put it out.

(laughing)

Sergeant!

Sergeant!

Huh?

Miss Janice!

Miss Janice!

Well, Sergeant, now I
can really feel secure

knowing that both you and
Gomer are looking after Janice.

Oh, yes, sir.

We won't let her out of
our sight for a second, sir.

Miss Janice, Miss Janice!

Oh, Gomer, I've
looked everywhere.

Where were you? I've met
some of the nicest people.

Well, I was with Sergeant Carter

and we was looking for you.

Miss Janice, I think we
better be getting you home.

Oh, not now, Gomer.

They're having a
bash and we're invited.

A bash? Where?

You take our car and follow us.

But Miss Janice, you
better wait a minute.

It's on Hi Point Street!

Eddie's pad!

Where is she,
Pyle? Where is she?

You just missed her, Sergeant.

She's on her way to Eddie's pad.

Eddie's pad? What's that?

I don't know, but there's a bash

and we're invited.
Oh, you idiot!

What'd you let
her get away for?!

Well, I tried to
stop her, Sergeant.

Sergeant, what's a bash?

You don't know?

Like to bash someone's head in.

I'll show you later.

Come on, in the car!

(cheering)

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

(girls giggling)

That was Miss Janice
all right, Sergeant.

Well, come on, let's go

before we lose her again!

(loud rock plays) I'm warning
you kids for the last time.

Hi! You cut out this racket

or I'm calling the
police, you hear?

And I'm not gonna
tell you again!

Now, you...

you going in there,
two servicemen?

Shame on you!

Here we people pay taxes

just to send you
to wild parties?!

Disgraceful, that's what it is!

Disgraceful!

I'm gonna write a letter to
my Congressman tomorrow,

now, you see if I don't!

Oh, no, ma'am,
you see... Come on!

And I'll write a letter
to the Times, too!

♪ ♪

Where is she, Pyle?

Do you see her?

It's too crowded here, Sergeant.

I'll go over here
and look this way.

Hey, man, what's happening?

Hey, there. Look, man,

I'm going into the
service in about a week.

And I was wondering if you
can tell me the ins-and-outs.

Ins-and-outs? Yeah.

Like once you get in
and you don't like it,

how do you get
out? Well, you don't.

Once you get in, you...

Excuse me, I've got
to find somebody.

Hey, wait a second,
wait a second, man.

Do they ever give you a chance

to blow your mind by yourself,

or do you gotta groove with
their whole scene at once, man?

Say what?

Sit down and think things out.

Like I'm still trying
to figure out who I am.

Sometimes, I have
trouble identifying.

Oh, well, there's
no worry there.

Once you get in, they
give you a set of dog tags

with your name on 'em,

so if you ever forget, all
you gotta do is take a look.

Now, I really got to go.

Hey, wait a second,
man, one more thing.

I'm gonna be going

into a strange
environment, so to speak.

Lot of kooks and weirdos, right?

Am I gonna have
trouble communicating?

Not if you keep your mouth shut.

Excuse me.

Miss Janice!

Sergeant. Huh?

At last.

Well, she's coming
with us, right now!

Excuse me.

Uh, Miss Gray, I
hate to butt in like this

but I think we ought to
be getting you home now.

Home?

Oh, but Sergeant,
we just got here.

Do we have to go right now?

Well, your father's
expecting you,

and I don't like
to disappoint him.

So if you don't
mind. Look, Sarge,

she doesn't wanna
go, and besides,

we haven't finished our dance.

C'mon, Janice.

Look, pal, you don't understand.

She has to be home
at a certain time.

Come on, Janice. Sarge,

it's Saturday night.

Man, look alive.

That's what I'm trying to do.

Come on, Janice.

Come on.

All right, everybody, hold it!

OFFICER: Quiet down!

Stay right where you are!

You see, Officer?
Didn't I tell you?

It's a brawl.

Oh, I'm going to write
to the Times about this!

That's the straight
dope, Officer,

from beginning to end.

Well, I didn't think it
was anything serious,

but we still had to break it up.

I believe your story, Sergeant.

(phone rings)

Yes?

What's that?

Oh, all right.

Send him back here.

Question is, Sergeant,
will he believe it?

He?

Janice! Oh, Mother!

Darling, what happened?

Are you all right?

I'm okay, Dad.

I think I'll leave you
people here alone.

You probably have
quite a bit to talk over.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Thanks very much
for your supervision.

If that's the sort of
work you've been doing

with your platoon, maybe a
change of scenery would help.

Perhaps a cooler climate
would help make you more alert.

Like say, the Aleutians?

But, sir... Wait a minute, sir.

I accept full responsibility

for everything that's
happened this evening.

I know I told you

I was taking Miss
Janice to the movies

but we just never did get there.

So I stand here
looking for the worst kind

of punishment you can deal out

'cause I know I deserve it.

Well, you certainly do, Gomer.

You were a very
poor choice indeed

for a date with our daughter.

Excuse me, ma'am, uh, sir.

If anyone's responsible
for this, it's me.

I was put in charge

of the arrangements
for this date,

and if there was a
foul-up, well, I'm the one

that should be held responsible.

You certainly should, Sergeant.

No, wait a minute!

Whatever happened
tonight is all my doing.

I wanted to see what one
of those go-go clubs was like

and now I know.

So, if anybody's
to blame, it's me.

Well, I think
you're right, Janice.

You started it all.

This whole embarrassing
situation is your fault.

That's what I just
said. No, ma'am...

(overlapping chatter)

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Now that I've heard each one
of you insist on taking the blame,

I'll tell you who I really
think is to blame... me.

You, sir? Yes.

I think maybe I'd better
start giving my daughter

the opportunity to
take care of herself.

I guess she should
have the privilege

of finding her own
answers, like all youngsters.

So, if we're going to get to
the root of this whole thing,

you might say it
was all my fault.

You know, Ed, I
think you're right.

It is your fault.

Are you sure this time?

(chuckles)

Well, you have been a bit
over-protective, you know.

I know.

I'm sorry I tried

to take over your
evening for you, Pyle.

Sergeant, I'm sorry

I turned you into a chaperone.

And, Janice,

I won't be auditioning
any more of your dates.

From now on, you're on your own.

Well, now tell us
about this go-go club.

Was it fun? Mmm.

It sounds horrid.

No, it's really
something to see.

It's fascinating.

What happens at these places?

Well, they just sort of get out

on the floor and go-go.

Go-go?

Well, it's kinda
hard to describe.

You see, they...
Gomer, show Daddy.

Oh, no, Miss Janice.

I don't think I better.

JANICE: Oh, come on, Gomer.

Show us, Pyle.

Well, sir, I'm just a beginner

but it goes
something like this...

Sure was nice being
with you, Miss Janice.

Even with all the
excitement. Thanks, Gomer.

I do hope I see you again, soon.

Bye.

We'll get your car
back to you, ma'am.

Thank you, Sergeant.

Boy, am I glad this
night is over, Pyle.

And I'll tell you something.

Maybe the Colonel is
willing to say it was his fault,

but I still say if you
weren't such a knucklehead,

nothing would've happened.

But Sergeant...
No, "But Sergeant."

You know what your
problem is, Pyle?

You can't stand up
to nobody or nothing!

When that girl steered
you into that go-go joint,

colonel's daughter or
no colonel's daughter,

you should've
put your foot down!

Well, Sergeant, I...
Did ya hear me, Pyle?!

You should've
put your foot down!

Right, Sergeant.

Hi, Sergeant!

Would you be nice
enough to give us a lift?

Well, I... Oh, thank you!

(all shouting)

(cheering and laughing)

That's very nice, Sergeant.

Very nice.

A gang of ruffians with a
Marine sergeant at the wheel.

Oh, I'll write a letter
to the Times about this!

I guess you should've put
your foot down, huh, Sergeant?