Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 2 - Crazy Legs Gomer - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

All right, your man
ready, Hacker?

Any time, Vince,
any time at all.

Remember, I'm
counting on you, Maguire.

All right, ready?


You can do it. Come on.

Come on, Maguire.

Five seconds to go.

That's it! Time!


26... going on 27.

Well, old buddy,

it appears you owe me
another steak dinner.

Yeah, yeah.

Nice work, Peters.

Hey, look...

can't your boys do
anything better than mine?

This endless winning streak
is getting to be kind of a bore.

Yeah, well, it ain't gonna
to last forever, Hacker.

One of these days... Sure, sure.

But if you'll excuse
me, I got to go change.

I want to look my
best for dinner tonight.

You can pick me up
around 8:00, dearie.

Tomorrow's another
day, Sergeant.


I never saw a guy
with so much luck.

One of these days...

Morning, Sergeant.

Did you have
yourself a nice dinner

with Sergeant Hacker last night?

And wasn't that fellow
of his good at his sit-ups?

Up, down, just as fast
as you could count.

Up, down, up, down...
All right, all right.

And you took it so
nicely, Sergeant.

That's one of the things
I admire most about you

is you're such a good loser.

Well, I've had an awful
lot of practice lately.

But it's a wonderful virtue.

My daddy used to
always say back home,

anybody can be a good winner,

but it takes a whole
lot to be a good loser.

Yeah, yeah, and it
takes a heap of living

to make a house a home.

Will you just clean the windows?

That Hacker... I have to listen
to his big mouth every day,

and I have to pay for
his meals every night.

This is even worse
than being married!

Ah, don't worry, Vince.

You'll catch up to
him yet, you'll see.

Well, it better happen soon,

or I'll have to quit the Marines

and sign up for the
Poverty Program.

His guys have been
beating ours in everything.

Football, baseball,
basketball... what's left, huh?

Knitting, mah-jongg, what?

Hey, Sarge, we're in.

Wait till you hear this.

What is it, Slater?
This is Larsen,

one of the new men we
got in on those transfers.

Yeah, I know. So?

So, you know what Larsen
was before he joined up, Sarge?

An archery instructor.


Archery... you know,
bows and arrows.

So he's good at
archery? So what?

Oh, I mean, he's
really good, Sarge.

Good enough, I would
say, to put your money on.

I mean, a real pro!

Archery, huh?

And you're pretty good?

Well, I taught at the Y.

He's got a roomful
of trophies at home

from contests, Sarge.

Tell him, Larsen.
Don't be so modest.

You mean, you actually did

this bow and arrow
shooting in competition?

Well, I won a few.

No kidding?!

How about that?

We can knock ol' Hacker
off with a bow and arrow!

That's what I mean, Sarge.

Welcome to the First Platoon.

Come on, let's get
over to the rec hut

and grab some equipment.

Bows and arrows...
How about that!

Hacker's out there.

Look, we got to
keep this under wraps.

Slater, you get Larsen
back to the barracks,

the back door, and see
that he keeps rested.

Right, Sergeant.

Come on, Boyle... you and
me will grab the equipment.

Right, Sarge.

Sergeant, anything
you want me to do?


Oh, uh, no, nothing.

I want you to
stay clear of this.

I don't want any foul-ups.

Archery... how about that.

Well, well, my old
friend, Sergeant Hacker.

Did you enjoy your
steak dinner last night?

Fine. Fine. Like always.

Good. Good.

We'll have to do
it again sometime.

Oh, uh, by the way,

you did say you would compete
with us in anything, didn't you?


I'll be over to see
you a little later.

Ah, it's a lovely
morning, isn't it, Boyle?

Just lovely.

See you later, Jensen.

Hey, Sergeant Hacker.

Oh, hiya, Pyle.

Hey, you're doing a good
job on those windows.

Well, thank you kindly.

Corners still need
another touch, though.

You know, corners is
such a gathering place

for dirt and grime,

and once it gets baked
in there, why, it's just...

Yeah, yeah. Well, you see,

I just brought over
the movie schedule

for Sergeant Carter.

Uh, he's not here, huh?

No, sir. You must
have just missed him.

Any idea where he's off to?

Oh, yeah, he went
over to the recreation hut

to get the archery equipment.


Mm-hmm. You know,
bows and arrows.

Oh, archery.

Say, I didn't know
he went in for that.

Oh, it wasn't for him.

It's for this new
fellow we just got in.

He used to teach it at the Y.

Oh, he did, huh?


He's won contests
and everything.

Isn't that interesting?

Yeah, it sure is.

Well, don't forget
those corners.

Oh, I won't, on account of

once that dirt gets
baked in there,

it's really hard to get out.

I remember one time back home...

I never could get it out.

Hey! Nice going, Larsen.


Hey! Nice going,
Larsen! Nice work!

Two reds is 14,
and blue is five.

And a bull's-eye...
That makes... 28 points!

Hey, do you hear that?

28 points!

It's your turn, old friend.

I can taste that steak already.

Well, I suppose it had
to happen sometime.

Yeah, well... Okay,
you, Yellow Bear.

What did you call him?

Yogi Bear?

Not Yogi Bear. Yellow Bear.

Charley Yellow Bear.

He just transferred
to our outfit.

Yellow Bear? What
kind of a name is that?

Now, what would you expect,

seeing he's a
full-blooded Indian?



How's that for shooting, pal?

Another one.

How about that, Sergeant?

A real honest-to-gosh Indian!

He's good, isn't he?


Look at him go!


Boy, that's awful good
bow and arrowing, Charley.

Just about the
best I've ever seen.

Wasn't that good, Sergeant?

With shooting like that,
it makes you wonder

why the Indians never
did beat the white man.

They just did.

You just beat...

Good job, Charley; good job.

Hey, wait a minute, Hacker.

Where did you get that
Yellow Bear anyway?

Oh, that.

Well, I needed a replacement,

so I went over to headquarters,

and I checked some
personnel records there.


Yeah, I come across Yellow Bear.

He's in Parker's platoon.

And when I find out
he's an archery expert,

I go over and talk him
into joining my outfit.

Because you never know

when you're going to
need an archery expert.

Right, Vince?

Does that answer your question?


The, uh, Bluebird Cafe tonight?

Yeah, yeah, the Bluebird.

Uh, say, Vince, can we
make it a little later tonight?

Say, around 9:00?

Or two hours after sun
go down behind teepee?

It's 4:00.

Hey, Pyle!

You'll find Persky
over at the mess hall.

Tell him I got to
borrow ten bucks.

And get that stuff
back to the rec hut.

Yes, sir.

Boy, wasn't that Indian...?

On the double! Move
it, move, move, move!


He did it to me again!

He must have got tipped
off about the archery.

Showing up at an archery
contest with an Indian.

Funny, very funny.

There's got to be a
leak in this organization,

and when I find out who...

Hey, Sergeant, Corporal.

Pyle, what are you doing here?

I told you to pick up
that dough from Persky.

Oh, I did. Here it is. Yeah.

And I took all that archery
equipment back to the rec hut.

Already? Uh-huh.

Sergeant told me
to do it on the double,

and that's just what I done.

I run every step of the way.

What's this?

Oh, that's the movie schedule.

Sergeant Hacker brought it over.

Wanted to give
it to you personal,

but I explained you was out
getting the archery equipment.


Oh... you explained
to him that I was out...

So that's why!

I knew it. I knew it!

I knew there had to be
a big mouth somewhere.

I might have known it was Pyle.

Pyle, you are in for it!

You see this? Take
a good look at it.

Because that's all you're
going to be seeing for a week.

You're going to
scrub down this hut,

you're going to scrub
down the barracks,

the mess hall, the rec hall.

My one chance to clobber
Hacker, and you had...

Wait a minute... Did
you say that you ran

to the mess hall, the
rec shack and back?

Boyle, do you mind?

You're gonna have dishpan hands

and knees and feet!

But Sarge, don't you see?

That's over a mile
and a half. So?

Well, he ran it in less
than nine minutes.

He ran all that way in
less than nine minutes!

Over a mile and a half!

Nine minutes?

That's good, ain't it?

It's better than
good, it's crazy.

You got a track
star on your hands.


Well, if I'm going to
do all that swabbing,

I guess I better get started.

Swabbing? What swabbing?

Can't you take a little joke?

As if I'd ever want you
to do anything like that.

Here, come on over
here and sit down.

Take it easy, that's right.

Have a cigar.

No, no, it's bad for your wind.

Look, Pyle... how come
you get to run like this?

Well, back home, when I
used to work at the filing station,

I was a volunteer fireman, too.

And whenever the
alarm would go off,

I'd have to drop
whatever I was doing

and run down there
to the fire station.

Well, it was about a mile,

so unless I made it
in four or five minutes,

I'd lose my place on the truck.

And I wouldn't
get to ring the bell.

So you ran the mile...

In four or five minutes.

I had to or I wouldn't
get to ring the bell.

So I practiced on running,
otherwise, Farley Upchurch

would get to ring the bell,

and I sure like
to ring that bell.

Is it possible?

We could clock him to make sure.


Look, Pyle, get back to the
barracks and get some rest.

Then meet us here
tonight at 8:00...

Right after dark... only don't
tell nobody about this... nobody.

Right, Sergeant.

But what's it all about?

Well, Pyle, if it works out,

I'm gonna give you a
chance to ring the bell for me.

Keep at it, Pyle,
only two more to go!

How's his time?

You wouldn't believe it.

How about that?

Who could figure that Pyle
would be the one to bail me out?

I can't understand
it, but there it is.

At last, we got a winner!

A real winner.

And Hacker will never
suspect because it's Pyle.

Hey, here he comes again.

Keep at it, Pyle!

You're running
to ring that bell!

Go, Crazy Legs, go!

Now I've heard everything.

What do you mean your
squad is more mobile?

Just like I said.

All right, you got your
guys doing push-ups

and sit-ups until
they're muscle-bound.

That's yesterday's stuff.

We're geared for today.

Speed is what counts.

Run fast, hit fast.

I trained them that way,

My guys are like greased
lightning, any one of them.

Come on.

It's the truth.

Any one of my guys can
pass any one of your guys

like he was standing still.

That you'll have to show me.

Ah, it's easy to prove.

Let's have a race.

We've had every other kind
of contest, let's have a race.

A race, huh? Sure.

And this time, let's
make it more interesting.

Not just for the blue
plate in this crummy diner,

let's make it for a steak dinner

with all the trimmings
at the Go-Go Club.

The Go-Go Club?!

That could run 20 bucks.

Well... Hey, Vince,

you wouldn't have a
ringer lined up, would you?

Why, Sergeant, I said,
any one of my guys.

I'll even let you pick him.

Here, I just
happened to a roster

of all the men in my platoon.

What could be more fair?

Go ahead, pick 'em.

We'll make it for one mile
on Saturday afternoon.

Do you mind? How can you
smoke them ropes anyway?

Let's see, uh, Masters.

He's that little guy, ain't he?

Check, Masters, it is.

Hey, just a minute.

Not so fast.

What's that crossed out here?

Crossed out?


Nothing, huh?

Is "nothing" spelled Gomer Pyle?

Well, it's just that...
You know Pyle, he's...

He's a member of
your platoon, right?

He's one of your greased
lightning boys, right?

Well, he's the one I pick,

and the bet is on for the
big spread at the Go-Go.

Yeah, but you... No buts.

It's Pyle or no race.

Okay, I'll go with Pyle.

You see, Pyle,

we really should try
another time trial tonight.

After all, the big
race is tomorrow.

If you say so, Sergeant.

Yeah, so do just like you did

the other night.



Just like I been figuring.

There's something fishy.

Get out your stopwatch.

Come on, Pyle, let her rip.

How's his time?

He's even faster than before.

Hit it, Pyle, a big
strong finish now!

You got his time?

Well, how is it?

Either this watch is
busted or we're going to be.

He's that good, huh?

Can Yellow Bear take him?


Looks like Carter's
finally going to win one,

and a big one.

What a rotten trick, getting
sucked in by that marked list,

and the worst of it is to think

that a chowderhead
like Pyle is going to do it.

Well, they were about due.

Hold the phone, that's it.

We can still win because
Pyle is a chowderhead.

All his strength is in his feet;

he's got nothing upstairs.

So? So he'll believe anything.

Leave it to me.

I'm about to knock him off

with some psychological warfare.

Come on.

Nice going, Pyle.

Now back to the barracks, Pyle,

and get a good night's sleep.

I'll run it again for you if
you want me to, Sergeant.

No, no, save your strength
for the big one tomorrow.

Right, Sergeant,
whatever you say.

Good night.

Good night, Pyle.

How about that, Vince?

He was all set to run it again.

Yeah, tomorrow is going
to be a beautiful day.

With a runner like that,

I ain't settling for
no steak dinner.


First thing in the morning,

we start picking up
all the bets we can get.

Hey, look at that.

Some prize knucklehead
is getting awful careless.

What is it?

It's still lit.

Somebody was just
out here watching...

and maybe clocking.

Not just somebody.

Can't you smell that?

That's one of them crooked
cigars that Hacker smokes.

Hacker? Then he
knows how fast Pyle is.


Still, what can he
do about it now?

All he knows is
that he's beaten.

Not Hacker, he don't
play square like we do.

He'll try to come up
with some crooked trick.

Well, like what?

Let's see.

If I was Hacker and I
knew Pyle could win it,

what would I do?

Hey, Sergeant Hacker.

Are you looking
for Sergeant Carter?

No, no, I... I was going
to go to the movies, but...

well, I wouldn't enjoy myself.

You wouldn't?

No, I couldn't.

You'll understand when
you're a sergeant, Pyle.

When one of your men
is about to suffer sorrow,

there's... there's no laughter
in the world for you either.

One of your... Who?

Charley Yellow Bear.

Sweet, trusting,
Charley Yellow Bear.

What's wrong with Charley?

Nothing now, but...

well, I hate to think what
will happen tomorrow,

if somehow he should
happen to lose that race.

He's running against
you, you know.

You mean that foot race?

Why, that's just a
little sporting contest.

To you, but not to Charley.

Let me explain.

You know that, that Yellow
Bear has served out his full hitch

and in a few more days,
he'll be leaving the Marines

Then he goes back to
the lodges of his fathers

deep in the pine
forests of Gitche Gumee,

but what a tragedy if the last
memory this noble red man has

of service for his great
white father in Washington

is that of failure and defeat.

Do you know what pride
means to the noble red man?

Especially Yellow Bear,

who wants so badly to
be a legend in his tribe.

But he's good, he's fast.

What makes you
think he won't win?

He's fast, all right...

but let's face it,
Pyle, you're faster.

Well, Sergeant Hacker,

are you trying to tell me
that I should let him win?

That's not for me to say, Pyle.

It's for you to search
your own heart and decide,

but let me remind
you that, if you win,

it's only a little
sporting contest,

but if Yellow Bear wins,

you will have given dignity,
pride, and meaning to his life

at the moment he needs it most,

as he reluctantly sets aside

the uniform of his
adopted country.

Vince, you don't think he'd try

to shanghai Pyle, do you?

I don't know.

I do know he'll be
trying something.

You think he might
try to rough him up?

Well, just to be
on the safe side,

one of us better
stick close to Pyle

right up until race
time tomorrow.

It's an opportunity

that few of us have
in our lifetime, Pyle.

A rare opportunity.

It has been written

that sometimes a man
can truly win by losing.

That's what my
daddy always said.

Anybody can be a good winner

but it takes a lot
to be a good loser.

A wise man, your father.

Pyle, I'm only asking
you to do what's right.

Must this man go back to
his tribe smarting with defeat,

to be scorned and laughed at?

Must he sit by the ashes of the
cooking fires with the squaws,

to gnaw on bones

and table scraps
they toss to him?

Or by your good
deed, will he return

with head held high,
feathers in the wind,

to lead a long, happy,
useful life for many moons

to come until, at long last,

he goes to the
happy hunting ground,

and the legend of Charley
Yellow Bear will be told

with respect around the council
fires, for generations to come.

Think it over, son.

I know it won't be easy,

but I know you'll
do the right thing.


Vince, we better get in there

and straighten Pyle out.

Wait a minute.

It's not gonna be that easy.

If there's one thing I know,

it's how Pyle's mind works.

That stuff Hacker
was handing him

is just what Pyle eats up...

A chance to help out a poor,

deserving unfortunate.

Yeah, but we could
explain... Explain what?

That we want to clean
up making bets on him?

You know Pyle and gambling.

So we're back in the red again.


Now that we know
Hacker has the race fixed,

we can ride along on his work...

and clean up, too.

Yeah? Yeah.

Now here's what you do first.

Let the news leak
out that Pyle is terrific.

Let 'em spread it
around just how fast he is,

so some outsiders
can get in on the action.

You got it? Yeah, and then?

And then we switch
over to the Indian.

I want all the bets
we can get down

by race time tomorrow,

put right smack on
that noble red man.


On your marks... get set... Go!

And may the best man win.

My thoughts exactly.

Pure sportsmanship.


Keep an eye on him, Slater!

Right, Sarge.


you think Pyle's gonna
go through with it.

I mean, throw it?

That's not a nice way to put it.

It's an act of human kindness,

and Pyle does a
lot of them things.

Get some more dough
down on Yellow Bear.

Come on, Pyle, let 'er rip!

How they doing, Slater?

Pyle's in front about a yard.

Sarge... He's just
making it look good.

Don't worry.

Pyle's still in front.

Pyle's still ahead!


Just making it look good.

Don't worry.

Coming past the motor pool.

Pyle's still out in front.

Pyle's still ahead!

Pyle a good ten yards in front.

I don't like it, Sarge.

Pyle is still leading.

Only thing that
counts is the finish

and believe me,

poor little Yellow Bear
will get the blue ribbon.

And I'll get the bundle.

Yeah, well, Pyle
better start fading fast;

they're on their way back.

Here they come.
Pyle's still out in front.

Come on, give it to him!

Come on, you, Yellow Bear!

Come on, move it, Yellow Bear!

Come on, move, move,
move, Yellow Bear!

Come on, Yellow Bear!
Come on move, Yellow Bear!

Move, move, move...
Hey, what's the idea?

You're yelling for my guy. Huh?

Well, if you must
know, wise guy,

I'm on to that story
you gave Pyle.

Not only did it affect him,

but it made me puddle up, too.

So, I put a bundle
on Yellow Bear.

Thanks a lot, old buddy.

You're gonna make me rich man!

Of course you're gonna
win a steak dinner.

But I'm gonna
clean up on a bunch

of outside bets, huh, huh?

Who outsmarted,
who, huh, Hacker?

Here's the finish.

Come on, Yellow Bear!

It's Pyle!

He won.


We won!

We finally won something!

Did I ring the bell
for you like you said?

Lookit... the sergeant's so
happy, he can't even talk.

And Sergeant Hacker,
about what you said...

Well, you don't have
to worry anymore

about Charley Yellow Bear.

I had a talk with him

right before we had the race

and I told him now that he
had a fine sergeant like you

worrying about
all this problems,

that he ought to
stay in the Marines.

So, guess what?

He's gonna re-enlist.

Oh, and one more thing.

Charley and me's gonna

start practicing
running together

and he's gonna teach me
how to shoot the bow and arrow,

and we're gonna get
to be real good friends.

Yes, sir, real good friends.

Just like you and
Sergeant Carter.

Come on, Charley.

Let's go tell...

What a nightmare.

It'll be six months
before I can pay off

all the dough I
lost on that race.

Well, at least you
get a dinner out of it.

Who can eat?

Sergeant Persky came
by twice this morning

looking for that $50
you owe him. That Pyle.

Oh, that Pyle.

He'll never get a chance
to cross me again.

Hey, some guys are following us.

Huh? One of them
looks like Persky.

Come on!


This ought to do it.

We'll wait here. Sarge...

No, like the
shadows in the night...

Ten years of camouflage.

Oh... hi, Persky.

Uh... I was, uh,

I was just looking for you.


Out there in the bushes?

How did you know
we were out here?

Hey, Sergeant.

It worked just swell.

Charley Yellow Bear
here's been teaching me

how to track just
like the Indians do.

And I tracked you
right here to this place,

and here you are!

How about that!

Yeah... how about that.