Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 3 - Gomer, the Carrier - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

How about it, Sarge, you ready?

Yeah, I'll be with you
in a minute, Chuck.

Am I crazy, or
is it hot in here?

I don't think so.

Hey, you're not coming
down with anything,

are you, Vince?

I don't know. I
feel kind of flush.

Uh, just probably
something I ate.

Maybe that pizza last night.

Better yet, maybe
that beer last night,

or don't you remember?

I don't know.

Oh, boy.

You okay, Sarge?

Yeah, I'm okay.

All right, you meat...

All right, you meatheads!

Come on, move
it, move it, move it!

Come on!

It's a muster, not
a Maypole dance.

Let's go, move,
move, move, move!

All right, listen up.

Here's the way the rest
of the day shapes up.

At 1:30... and I
mean 1:30 sharp...

You feeling bad, Sergeant?


I'm right, ain't I? I can tell.

Being as flushed as you are,

it's a sure sign of fever.

Knock it off, Pyle.

When I want your
opinion, I'll ask for it.

Right, Sergeant, sorry.

All right, now at
1:30 sharp... I...

What is it now, Pyle?

Excuse me, Sergeant,

but if I could just
feel of your ears,

I could tell if you had
a fever in just a second.

That's the way you tell
about fever by the ears.

Not the forehead like most...

Pyle, knock it off.

You're in formation.

Right, Sergeant.

He does look flushed
though, don't he?

Do you know what Grandma
Pyle used to do for a fever?

Pyle, I told you to pipe down!

You're at attention.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I was just telling Duke

what Grandma Pyle
used to use for a fever.

She'd take a clove of garlic

and two licks of sage honey...

If I take anything, Pyle,

it's gonna be that
PFC strip off your collar!

You're at attention, now
don't move a muscle...

Not one single muscle!

Right, Sergeant.


Now, let's see.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah... at 1:30 sharp,

you will proceed to Building G

- for a lecture...
- Excuse me?

Pyle, I told you not to move
a muscle and no talking.

But I can't hear you, Sergeant.

Did you hear me, Slater?

No, Sergeant, not too well.

I'm sorry. See.

If we both can't hear you,

then you're bound to be sick.

Huh? And bad as you sound,

you look even worse!

Don't he look bad, Duke?

Just look at his mouth.
Stow it, both of you.

Vince, maybe you
ought to check in

at the sick bay to
make sure, huh?

I'll take over here.

Yeah, yeah, maybe you're right.

I'm feeling worse by the minute.

Here, I'll be back
as soon as I can.

It's for the best,
Sergeant, it really is.

Just ask 'em to feel your ears

and see if that don't... Pyle!

I hope it ain't nothing serious.

Don't worry about it, Gomer.

But he does look bad.

He looks just like
my Aunt Serena did

the day she went down
to have her ear lanced.


Excuse me, Corporal.

What is it, Pyle?

About Sergeant Carter.

Have you heard anything yet?

Well, as a matter
of fact, I have.

The doctor just called. It
was a fever spell, right?

Is that what it is?

No, Sergeant
Carter's got himself

a case of German Measles.

German Measles?

How'd he ever get
a thing like that?

I don't know, Pyle.

But I gotta hustle
over to sick bay

with some of his stuff and
maybe try and cheer him up.

He must be feeling miserable.

By all means,
Corporal, you do that.

German Measles.

My, my... Poor Sergeant Carter.

If there's anything
I can do to help...

I'll tell you what
you can do, Pyle.

You can get back to
work on the double,

so I can give the Sergeant
a good report, okay?

Yes, sir.

Tell Sergeant
Carter not to worry.

Everything will be
raked up real nice.

I'll see to it myself.

And, be sure to tell the
Sergeant best wishes.

Tell him it seems like
he's been gone for days

instead of just hours!

I'll see that Sergeant
Carter gets this.

Thank you. Oh,
you can't go in there.

If you want to talk to
him go around this way

and use the phone
by the viewing window.

Yes, ma'am. And
don't stay too long.

I won't.

Hi, Vince.

I brought some
of your stuff over.

Hey, you don't look too unhappy.

I'm not.

In fact, you look like
you're enjoying yourself.

I am, I am.

You're enjoying the
German Measles?

Well, let me put
it to you this way:

if you had your choice

between 103 temperature
without Gomer Pyle

and a normal temperature
with Gomer Pyle,

which would you take?

I see what you mean.

It's a vacation away from Pyle.

So, I have to pay
for it with a little fever.

I may even write a book:

"German Measles Can Be Fun."

How long you gonna
be in, do you know?

Not long enough.

If I'm lucky, I'll
catch something else

and continue the vacation.

I saw Pyle just
before I came here.

You want to hear what he said?

Please, Boyle, not
while I'm convalescing.

He sent you his best
and he misses you.


I think my temperature
just went up.

Well, I better be getting back.

Take it easy, Vince.

Oh, I will, I will.


Are you awake, Sergeant? Huh?


What is it?

It's me, Gomer.

Pyle, of all... How
did you get in here?

I walked in.

There wasn't anybody
at the front desk

so figured it's all right.
Well, it ain't all right.

Go on get out of here!

This minute! This second!

Pyle, can't you read signs?

I'm in quarantine!

I've got the German Measles!

Even a knucklehead like you
should know what that means!

Oh, don't worry
about me, Sergeant.

I never do catch anything.

All I know is you better
get outta here fast.

On the double!

Yes, sir.

I know just how you feel.

I know how over-wrought
a person can get

when they're sick as you.

That's the reason I
brought you these treats.

Well, you should
have left 'em outside.

Now, just drop 'em
and get out of here!

Yellow jonquils...
They're my favorite.

You just see how they
brighten up your room.

Pyle... Oh, and I
brought you this book.

Up the Yellowstone
With Rod and Reel.

It's all about salmon fishing...

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Yes, Sergeant.

Oh, the candy.

Now, this can't hurt you at all

on account they're
all fruit centers.

Pyle, get out of here.

Just get out.

Keep your chin up, Sergeant.

The main thing is
to get plenty of rest

and don't let
nothing excite you.

Excuse me, Corporal.

Oh, not again, Pyle.

I know you're busy
trying to catch up

on your reports and everything,

but I was just... But
you were just wondering

how Sergeant Carter's
making out, right?

Well, golly, it's
been three days.

That's right.

And like I said yesterday,

and the day before,
he's doing fine.

Just fine. Now, get out of here.

Well, I sure am
glad to hear that.

Matter of fact, he's due outta
sick bay by tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning!


And not a minute too soon

as far as I'm concerned.


Will I ever be glad to see him.

It's not that you're
not doing a fine job

in his place, Corporal.

You're doing real fine.

It's just that, well,

you're not Sergeant Carter.

But then, who is? Yeah, yeah.

Get back to work
on the floors, huh?

I got a lot of work to
do. Right, Corporal.

Sorry to have bothered you.

Begging your pardon, but
do you feel all right, Corporal?


Yeah, I'm fine.

Just a little beat, maybe.

I guess that's it.

That's what?

The reason you look so flushed.

Not feverish, mind
you. Just flushed.

Yeah?! Uh-huh.

I could tell a lot better
if I could feel your ears.


Just get out of here.

Hey, fellas, wait'll
you hear the news.

Just wait'll you hear the news!

I just talked to
the Corporal Boyle.

And Sergeant
Carter's all better.

And he's gonna get out of sick
bay first thing in the morning.

That's good news?

Well, I'm surprised
at you, fellas.

Making light of a man that's
been in the hospital three days.

Especially a man
like Sergeant Carter.

I'm sorry, Gomer,
it's just that...

I don't feel so red-hot myself.

I haven't been
feeling too well, either.


My head feels kind of funny.

I'm warm all over.

Hey, Duke... I know. I know.

You want to feel my ears, right?

Hey, Boyle!


Where is he, anyway?


Back to work.

First platoon!

Fall in!

Come on, move
it, move it, move it!

Sergeant Carter!

Golly, you're back!

Sure is good to see you. Huh?

Come on, move
it, move it, move it!

You're sure looking awful
good, Sergeant, considering.

A little peaked
around the face maybe.

Pyle, where is everybody?

You look like
you've lost weight.

But that's natural.

It's just perfectly
natural. Pyle...

An active man like
you gets laid up,

and his juices just play
heck with his appetite.

Pyle, where is everybody?!
What's going on?

Oh, that's right, Sergeant.

I guess you don't know.

Don't know what, Pyle?
What, what, what, what?

Everybody's down with
the German Measles.

Just like you had,
even Corporal Boyle.

Huh? That's right.

They all woke up this morning
feeling sick and sore all over.

I never saw anything like it.

So that's what the
excitement was all about.

They must been checking in

when I was checking out.

Ain't it a shame, Sergeant?

A whole platoon coming down

with the German Measles.

They say that
somebody carried it

right into the platoon.

And everybody caught
it from this carrier.


Then how come you're not sick?

Me? Oh, I never catch nothing.

And you're the only one here?

That's right.

Looks like for the next few days

it's just you and me, Sergeant.

Just you and me!


Now, we got a lot to do today,

so I want you to...

Oh... It's just
you and me, Pyle,

there's no use me reading
off the program for the day.

But I'd be glad to
listen, Sergeant,

if it'll make you
feel any better.

Forget it!

At ease, Pyle, at ease

First platoon, Sergeant Carter.

Oh, yes, sir, Colonel.

The efficiency reports?

Well, sir... Yes,
sir, I understand.

You'll have 'em by tonight, sir.

Excuse me, Sergeant,
for leaving formation,

but Captain Hughes gave me these

inventory report blanks.

He wants 'em filled
out and returned to him

by tomorrow noon.

Oh, for the love of Pete!

I'll do it.

Huh? Do what?

Fill out these forms.

Be glad to. All you
have to do is tell me...

Never mind.

Where's Hummel?

Well, he's in sick
bay with all the others.

Don't you remember?

I'll get it! So get it.

Big deal.

First platoon, PFC Gomer Pyle
speaking for Sergeant Carter.

Yes, ma'am.

I sure will.

Thank you for calling.


That was Lt. Klinger
over in sick bay.

She's missing some

of Corporal Boyle's
personnel records.

Third drawer. Right in front.

Right, Sergeant.

I'll take it over there
myself, if it's okay.

I'll be glad to, Sergeant.

I'd be more than happy to...

Take 'em over, take 'em over!

Just go!

Right, Sergeant.

It's a pleasure.

Anything I can ever do to help
you out is always a pleasure.

Especially now that
you're so hard pressed.

And Sergeant?


I just want you to
know how thrilled I am

to be working so
close to you. Yeah.

I've learned a lot
from you already,

but not half as much
as I'm gonna learn

for the rest of this week,

what with you and me being
alone together like we are.

Okay, Pyle, okay.
I get the message.

Now, get going, huh?
I got some work to do.

Right, Sergeant.

And don't you worry, Sergeant.

I'll be back to help you out

before you know it.

From now on, it's
just you and me,

side by side.

We're a team, huh, Sergeant?


Sergeant, can I
borrow the ketchup?

Well, are you going
to return it, Pyle,

or is it your own
private stock? Huh?

The ketchup, the ketchup!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here you are, sergeant.

Since there's just us two,
do you mind if I join you?

That way, it'll save
all that hollering

and passing
everything, is it okay?

I suppose.

Five, six, seven...

Pyle, what are you doing?

I was just counting, Sergeant.

How many times do
you chew your food?

I don't know.

I don't count, I just eat.

Grandma Pyle says you should
chew each mouthful of food

12 times before you swallow.

Anything less than 12 chews
is bad for your digestive tract,

did you know that,
sergeant? Pyle.

A human being ain't like a dog.

A dog don't chew at all.

He just swallows and lets
his stomach do all the work.

I remember once I
had this old bird dog

and he caught
this wild turkey...

Pyle, just eat your chow, huh?

Just eat your chow
and knock it off, okay?

Oh, I am, Sergeant, I am.

I just like to take
my time and enjoy it.

You know, it sure seems strange

just the two of us
at this big, old table.


Sergeant, you just
chewed that four times.


Grandma Pyle was right.

If you don't chew it 12 times...

Hip, heap, your left!

Hip, heap, your left!

Hip, heap, your left...

Your left, Pyle, your left.

Don't you know your left?

I'm sorry, Sergeant,
it's just that I haven't

got anybody's feet in
front of me to watch.

Well, watch my mouth,
that's all you've got to watch.

Left, left, left,
two, three, left!

I'm sorry, I'm doing it again.

Left, left, left...

Platoon ready
for inspection, sir!

I don't know why
I'm even bothering.

But, Sergeant, you got to
turn in a report to the lieutenant.

All right, all right.

Yeah, yeah. It's okay, Pyle.

Sergeant, the locker.

It's okay, Pyle. As you were.

Sergeant, is that all?

Yes, Pyle, that's all.

That sure went awful fast.

Well, there wasn't
too much to do, Pyle.

Sergeant. Huh?

Let's do it again.


Can we do the inspection
again just to kill some time?

Hey, it's the sarge.

Hey, sarge. Hey!

Hi, Vince.

How're doing, Chuck?
You feeling okay?

Oh, not bad, not bad.

Say, how're you getting along
with your one-man platoon?

Don't ask. That bad, huh?

Do you know what
life is like with Pyle?

Do you have any
idea? I can imagine.

It's worse than a horror movie.

Every move I make, there he is,

sticking to me like a bee
sticks to plate of honey.

And he never shuts
up, never for a second.

Now, why can't he be in
there with the rest of you guys?

I don't know, I
guess he's immune.

Looks like he's just a carrier
and he never gets it himself.

No, no. Maybe he just
wasn't exposed long enough.

Yeah, that's it.

Huh? I was just thinking.

Pyle can't have
that much immune.

I mean, when a bug
like that's going around,

nobody's immune should
better than anybody else's, right?

Look, Vince, if you thinking
what I think you're thinking...

Do you blame me, huh?

Knowing Pyle like you
do, do you blame me?

But purposely exposing a
guy to a case of the measles?

Come on, Vince.

Who said anything like that?

I was just thinking he's bound
to catch it sooner or later.

So why not now, huh?

Why not?

Mothers do it all the time.

When one kid get it, she
exposes all the kids to it.

That way, she doesn't have
to go through all that trouble

one kid at a time.

Vince, you're as warm
and human as they come.

Yeah, you might say that.

I mean, if Pyle has got
to catch the measles,

no use he should
suffer alone, huh?

Sergeant, you wanted to see me?

Yes, I did, Pyle, I wan...

Before you say what
you were going to say,

can I ask you
something? What is it?

Well, I was just thinking

if I had your permission
to move in here with you,

then I'd save you all that
running back and forth

to the barracks every
time you wanted me.

Huh? Like in the mess hall

when I sat down next to you,

I was right there to pass
you anything you wanted.

The salt, the
pepper, the ketchup...

Well, I... Why not, Sergeant?

It'd be a lot more efficient

now that Corporal
Boyle's bed's empty.

Boyle's bed?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, okay, Pyle, that
might be a good idea.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.
Look, I wanted to...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I just knew you'd like the idea.

No, I think it's just great!

Now, look, Pyle... Sergeant,
is this your bed over here?

Yes, that's my bed,
I... And don't you sleep

with your head facing towards
the window? Oh, yes, I do.

Then we'll have to switch
the beds around. Huh?

You see, I sleep with my head
facing exactly the other way.

So if we switch beds around,

our heads will be
facing each other.

And that way, we can
talk without turning over.

Yeah, um...

My, my, my... we're
going to be roommates.

Look, Pyle.

On you way over
to get your gear,

do me a favor, will you?

Corporal Boyle wants
me to send over...

uh, this here book.

Run it over for me, will you?

I'll be glad to, Sergeant.

That's what I'm here for.

And, Pyle, look, that'll
give you a chance

to pay your respects
to Slater and Hummel

and all the gang, huh?

Yes, sir.

That's real thoughtful
of you, Sergeant.

Yeah, and just slip
over and hand the book

to Boyle personally, will you?

Remember, how you just
walked in on me the other day?

Well, do the same thing.

And give Boyle my best wishes.

In fact, shake hands with him.

In fact, shake hands
with the whole platoon.

That's a great moral builder.

Sergeant Carter, you just
think of everything, don't you?

I try, Pyle, I try.

Psst! Corporal Boyle?


Hey, Duke. Hey, fellas.

Pyle, how did you
get in here anyway?

Well, I waited till the
nurse left the desk out there

on account of Sergeant
Carter wanted me

to give you this
book personally.

And give you his best wishes.

Look, Pyle, you shouldn't
have come in here.

Yeah, Gomer,
you'll get in trouble.

This is an isolation ward.

Oh, don't worry about me, Duke.

Well, here's your book,

and best wishes
from Sergeant Carter.

Best wishes to all of
you from Sergeant Carter.

Well? Well, you
deliver the book?

I sure did, Sergeant.

I sure did.

And you gave it to
Boyle personally, huh?

Just like you said.

And, did you shake
hands with him

and give him my best
wishes? I sure did.

And then, after
your visit with Boyle,

did you have a nice
bedside visit with all the boys?

Went around shaking
hands with everybody.

Oh, wonderful!

Corporal Boyle seemed
very nervous about it though.

He did? Uh-huh.

He said that the doctor told him

there wasn't no such thing

as being immune
to German Measles.

For even somebody
as healthy as I am.

No kidding?

I didn't know that.

All it takes is just
one little germ

passed from one
person to another.

Just one little
germ is all it takes.

Is that so? Just
one little germ?


You know, I just can't believe
we're gonna be roommates.

Maybe you better pinch me,
sergeant, just to make sure.

Later, Pyle, later.

Just tell me, how many fellows

do you think you
shook hands with?

Hi, Vince.

Can you believe it?
Can you believe it?

Never in a million years.

You just don't get
relapses quick as that.

I did.

I guess you've got
to be philosophical.

Like you said, it's
a vacation away

from knuckleheads like Pyle.

Yeah, but two
vacations in one week?

Better than no vacation
from Pyle at all, right?

Yeah, yeah, I
guess you're right.

If it's the only way I can
keep him off my back, okay.

Yeah, it's okay by me.

Now you're talking.

Yeah, I'm right
back where I started.

Yes, sir, I like it here
fine, Boyle, just fine.

This way, please.


Golly! Sergeant Carter!

Pyle! What are you
doing here, Pyle?

I've got the German Measles.

But now that I know we're
going to be roommates,

I feel a whole lot better.

Imagine that! Three or four days

of your sergeant's
undivided companionship.

Ain't that so, Sergeant?

Knowing how much
fun we're going to have,

the time is just going to pass

faster than greased lighting.

I know a lot of
games we can play

while we're in the hospital.

You know, it's a
wonderful time...

Hey, you're back!

Yeah. You're all
over it already?

Yeah, it was just a relapse.

What about Pyle?

Well, with Pyle,
that was no relapse.

He's got the real
thing for the first time,

so it'll be a little
while longer.

Hey, you may get that vacation
away from him after all, huh?

I will now... I'm here,
he's in the hospital,

and all's right with the world.

Surprise, Sergeant!

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Pyle, what are you
doing here, Pyle?

You're supposed
to be in the hospital.

That's the surprise, Sergeant.

The doctor examined me
right after he examined you.

He said I could go back to
duty just as soon as I wanted to.

He did, huh?

The doctor said that?

He said it was
just a light case.

It just goes to
show you, Sergeant.

Every cloud has
its silver lining.

Now, we can get
back to work together

without missing a beat.

Did the sergeant tell you
I was his good right hand

while you was in the hospital?

Now that you're back, I'll
be his second good hand.

Just you wait, Sergeant.

I'll be here whenever you
want me, night and day...