Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 1 - Lies, Lies, Lies - full transcript

Gomer goes on a Hollywood bus tour, gets off the bus and meets a movie star who he spends the day with but no one believes him.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

You've got big plans
for the day, Slater?

You know it, pal.

Where are you going?

I'm heading straight
for that Watusi place,

the Booze A Go-Go.

There's a little dancer there

named Dolores who's
got big eyes for me.

Oh, yes.

Is she the one in the cage?

That's right. In a cage?

What kind of a place is it where
they keep a person in a cage?

Well, they have to keep
her in a cage, Gomer,

'cause when she
dances, she gets wild.

You got to see it
to believe it, really.

Well, I don't think I'd
enjoy that very much.

It bothers me to see
an animal in a cage,

much less a human being.

Yeah, but she's happy
in that cage, Gomer!

She's happy!

You want to try that
with your pack on?

Sorry, Sarge.

All right, you guys, listen up.

I thought it wouldn't
hurt to inform you clowns

that the fleet's in,
and it's Saturday,

and that means crowds
and horsing and trouble,

which I want you to stay out of.

Is that clear?

Aye, aye, Sergeant.


Phew! It's you.

Slater, you smell like
a man with ambitions

to take over the town,

so maybe you better
be extra careful.

Oh, no, not, me, Sarge.

Uh, I got a date, all right,
but no cavorting with a bunch.

Oh, really?

Tell us about it.

Well, it's just a girl.

Just a girl?!

Not for you, Slater.

Well, matter of fact, Sarge,
she is something special.

In fact, she's beautiful,
really beautiful!

And you know where she works?

In a cage.

Tell the sergeant about
how she works in a cage.

Gomer... Of course
she works in a cage.

She also

eats and sleeps in a cage,
because she's a beast.

You guys kill me, you know that?

With your phony stories
about your big dates.

Why can't you just say
you're going into town,

have a couple of beers,

go bowling, and
leave it at that?

Oh, no, no, no.

You got to give each
other them snow jobs

about them gorgeous dames.

Sergeant Carter,
would you care to hear

what I'm going to do today?


I'm going up to Hollywood.

I'm going to take
one of them bus tours

and see all the
movie stars' homes.

That's thrilling, Pyle.

Absolutely thrilling.

I been meaning to do that
for the longest kind of time.

You hear that?

Now, there's a
date I can believe.

Him I can believe.

You're welcome to come
along, if you'd care to.

No, Pyle.

But you know what?

I've got to respect a
man who tells the truth.

Thank you, Sergeant Carter.

That's a real nice
thing to say, it really is.

Because I believe that's
really what you're going to do.

Just what you said.

Oh, I am, Sergeant, I am.

Why, is it beginning to
sound good to you now?

'Cause if it is, I'd be proud...

No. I said, no!

Now, the rest of you guys,

I got just two words for
you for your liberty... watch it!


Hey, Duke, you want to
go on that tour with me?

Gomer, have you forgotten?

Dolores in the cage?

See you later, pal.

Oh, don't forget to say hello

to Vera Hruba Ralston
and all the gang.

I can always tell when
you're pulling my leg, Duke.

You get that insincere
look in your eyes.

Yeah, well, don't go to any
of those Hollywood parties.

You can't afford the scandal.

Just look at 'em,
just look at your eyes.

How insincere.

We are now on Foothill
Road in fabulous Beverly Hills.

On the left, we see
the beautiful home

of that famous
piano-playing star, Liberace.

Do you know what I heard?

He has a swimming pool
shaped just like a piano.

And his bed is shaped
like a piano, also.


Mm-hmm, you see, his
whole life is so involved

in piano and piano playing.

And on this same street,

we see the home of
the very glamorous

and popular young
movie star, Tina Tracy.

Tina Tracy?! Why, I've seen
every one of her pictures.

Excuse me, ma'am. I've
got to speak to the driver.

Driver? Driver!

Would you do me a favor?

Sorry, no refunds.

Oh, it's not that.

I'm having a wonderful time.

I was just wondering if
you'd stop for a second

while I got a picture
of Tina Tracy's house.

It would mean a lot
to me, it really would.

Yeah, well, okay, you
being a serviceman.

But just a second. I
got a schedule to keep.

Thank you.

Where did he go, anyway?

If he's going to leave the tour,

he could have at
least said good-bye.

Hey, wait for me!

Oh, shoot!

Now I won't get to see
Randolph Scott's house.

Hi, Private.

Hey, ma'am.

I didn't mean to
barge in like this,

but the sightseeing bus I was
riding on went off and left me.

I'm awful sorry.

I hope you'll excuse me.

Oh, that's all right.

Where are you
stationed, Private?

Camp Henderson.

This sure is a beautiful place.

She sure is a lucky girl.

Uh, who is?

The lady you work
for, Tina Tracy.

You must be her maid.

Well, no.

At the moment, I'm
more like her gardener.

Really and truly?

I don't think

I ever met a professional
lady gardener before.

You know, come to
think of it, neither have I.

Well, sure has been
nice talking to you.

Uh, if you'll excuse me now,

guess I better be going.

I don't know why that
bus didn't wait on me.

Well, what made you get
off of it in the first place?

Well, to take pictures

of my favorite
movie star's home.

Tina Tracy's your
favorite movie star?

Yes, ma'am.

I bet I've seen every
one of her pictures.

Really? Every one?

I sure have.

Starting with
Motorcycle Madness,

What's New, Tomboy,
and I Was A Teenage Kook.

Well, those were some time ago.

Yes, ma'am, but I've
seen her latest picture, too.

The Monster Who
Hated Pennsylvania...

I'll bet I've seen
that eight times.

Well, you really are
a fan, aren't you?

I really am.

Well, I'm very glad to know you.

I'm Tina Tracy.

You're not!

Well, I certainly am.

You're not spoofing
me, are you, ma'am?

No. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Remember this scene?

General, General,

the monster has wiped out
Pittsburgh and Philadelphia.

You've just got to stop him
before he reaches Reading.

That's my home town!

Well, I'll be.

You are Tina Tracy!


Well, I don't know why I
didn't recognize you right off,

but you look so different

with that hat and
glasses and everything.

Well, you haven't
told me your name yet.

Gomer. Gomer Pyle.

Well, Gomer, now that we've
been properly introduced,

would you like to
come up to the house

and have a nice tall
glass of lemonade?

Yes, ma'am.

That'd be real nice.

Here you are, Gomer.

Another glass of lemonade.

Thank you, ma'am.

This makes three
of them already.


If the folks back home
could just see me now,

sitting here talking
to a real movie star.

That reminds me.

Did you know that
back home in Mayberry

they used to call you

the Annie Ruth
Collins of Hollywood?

No, I didn't.

Well, I'll tell you
how it happened.

You remember a movie you
was in called Private Hospital?


Remember you was in love

with this married doctor
with the three children?

Well, the exact same situation

happened to Annie
Ruth back in Mayberry.

Only thing... he wasn't a
doctor, he was a veterinarian.

And she didn't give him
up like you did in the movie.

No, sirree.

She married this veterinarian

right after his wife run off
with this traveling salesman.

And now, the doctor
drinks quite a bit,

and Annie Ruth has to take
care of the three children.

Poor thing.

Tell me more, Gomer.

Of all the miserable...

I take it things didn't work out

exactly the way
you'd planned, Slater.

It never fails.

When you over-anticipate,
you're bound to be disappointed.

Thanks a lot, Hummel.

Didn't you get to see
that Watusi dancer?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I saw her.

Well, what happened?

She invited me home
to meet her family.

Well, that sounds very nice.

Her husband and two kids?

I don't know why I even
bother going into town.

I could have more
fun doing my laundry.


Boy, have I got
something to tell you.

Wait'll you hear this.

Do you know that
Hollywood tour I went on?

Well, I had one
of the best times

I've ever had in my whole life.

Guess who I spent
the afternoon with?

Come on, guess. I
don't know, Gomer.

You'll never guess in a million
years, but guess anyway.

I give up. You'll never guess.

Gomer, I give up.

Okay, then, I'll tell you.

I spent the whole
afternoon with Tina Tracy.

What do you think about that?

How long did it take
you to think that one up?

She is without a doubt one
of the nicest, sweetest girls

I ever met in my whole life.

Right away, she offered
me this nice tall drink.

You mean you don't believe me?

Gomer, I'm not in
the mood for jokes.

Can you knock it off?

But this is no
joke, Duke, honest.

And I've saved the
best part for last.

She told me to come back
tomorrow for a barbecue,

and I could ask a
few of my buddies.

Oh, sure, sure.

And she'll fill the pool with
champagne for swimming.

You mean you don't believe me?

Gomer, it's just a little
farfetched, just a little.

Well, I'm surprised
at you, Duke.

I really am.

You're supposed
to be my best friend.

Have I ever told you
a fib in my whole life?

No, but there's
always a first time.

Well, I'll tell you exactly.

I got off of this tour bus

to take a picture of
Tina Tracy's house,

and there she was!

And she is, without a doubt,

one of the nicest, sweetest...

You really met her?
You really met her?!

I'm surprised at you, Duke.

If I said I did, I did.

Well, I mean, it's just like,

a thing like that
happens to a serviceman

like once in 1,000 times,

and who'd ever figure
you to be so lucky?

Well, I was, and like I said,

she told me to bring
some of my buddies over.

I'll go! I'll go!

Then it's all set.

The three of us will go
up to Hollywood tomorrow.

The three of us?
Who's the third?

Why, Sergeant Carter, of course.

What do you want to ask him for?

Well, he's my
buddy, too, isn't he?

I'll go over there first thing
in the morning and ask him.

And he won't be like you.

He'll believe me right
off, like he always does.


But it's the truth, Sergeant.

Pyle, you mean to
stand there and tell me

that you spent a whole afternoon

with a sexpot like Tina Tracy?

I did, Sergeant, I really did.

But she ain't what
you said she was.

She's a nice, wholesome girl.

Okay, Pyle.

To you, she's a
nice, wholesome girl.

But you do believe
me, don't you?

Of course.

Did I ever doubt you?

Then you'll come?

Well... Please say you'll come.


You clowns may not
even know how to behave.

You probably need someone along

to show you how to
behave in a classy house.


But for just one
reason... to supervise.

Golly, thank you, Sergeant.

Okay, who else is coming?

Well, just so far, it's
me and you and Duke,

and the corporal,
if he wants to.

Good. No riffraff.

You had to open your
big mouth, huh, Pyle?

Look at all them guys.

I had to ask the fellas in
my barracks, Sergeant.

I'm sure she won't mind.

Well, well, so this is
how the other half lives.

Shut up, Hummel!

All right, you
guys, hold it down.

Now remember, don't
do or say anything

that's going to embarrass me.

If you got any doubt about
what's the proper etiquette,

check with me.

Don't shake hands with
her, whatever you do,

and watch them cigarette butts.

Aye, sir.

All right.

Let's go.

Watch it.

Hold it! Back, back.

You sure she's home, Pyle?

She's expecting me
to be here, she said.


Good afternoon, sir.

My buddies and I are
here to see Miss Tracy.

I'm sorry, Miss
Tracy is not at home

and is not expected.

But she's expecting us.

I'm afraid that's not likely.

Miss Tracy has been in Europe.

Good day, gentlemen.

Okay, Pyle, what's the gag?

Well, I don't know,
Sergeant, I was...

What is this, April
Fool? It ain't even April.

Very funny, Pyle, very
funny, but you know what?

I don't like practical
jokes, and I don't like you.

And when I get you
back to the base,

I've got a few jokes of my own.

Hey, fellas, wait a minute.

There must be some mistake.

I was really here yesterday
and she invited us back...

Wait a minute, Sergeant.

How am I going to
get back to the base?

You made up a movie
star, make up a car!



Hey, Miss Tracy.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I thought you
were going to bring

some of your fiends with you.

I did.

Well, where are they?

Well, they left.

They left? Why?

Well, my buddies and I went up

and knocked on the door,

and this feller come
out and said that

you was in Europe and he
didn't know when you'd be back.

Oh, Gomer, I'm so sorry.

Stevens was just
trying to protect me.

I should have told him.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Do you suppose we could
call them and explain?

I don't think that'd
do any good,

since they thought I made it up

about meeting you
and all, anyway.

Now I'm sure they think
I'm some kind of a liar.

Oh, Gomer, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Miss Tracy.

Oh, Stevens.

Is everything all
right, Miss Tracy?

Oh, uh, Private
Pyle's a friend of mine.

Could you help him with
the packages, please?

I told you was expected.

Any lucky, Gomer?

I'm trying again. They
should be back by now.

Hello? Corporal Boyle?

Could I speak to
Sergeant Carter?

It's Pyle; he wants
to talk to you.

Are you kidding? Hang up!

What is it this time, Baron
Munchausen? Hang up!

Corporal Boyle, would
you tell Sergeant Carter

that I'm sitting right here
in Miss Tracy's house

and that she feels real
bad about missing you all.

What do you think,
we're a couple of jerks?

How many times do you
think we're going to fall

for that crummy gag? Hang up!

But I tell you, she's right here

in her bathing suit, getting
ready to go for a swim,

and she wants you
all to come back.

Here, give me the
phone. I'll talk to him.

He says he's with her now

and that she's
wearing a bathing suit.

Ask him what he's drinking.

Hang up, just hang up!

Wait a minute.
Wait just one minute.

Hello? Hello?

He hung up.

I guess they still
don't believe me.

Oh, Gomer, I'm so sorry.

Well, look, don't feel
so bad... you tried.

I really did.

But I can't blame them
for not believing me.

Well, there's nothing
you can do about it now.

Look, would you
like to take a swim?

There's some extra
trunks in the cabana.

Thank you kindly, Miss
Tracy, but I got an idea.

Would it be all
right with you if I just

went back to the camp
and fetched my buddies?

Well, sure, Gomer, but
isn't that a lot of trouble?

I mean, you'd be hours.

Well, yeah, but I just wouldn't
feel comfortable swimming here

while, back at the camp,
they was doubting me.

So I'll just rush on back
and straighten things out,

and we'll see you later.

Oh, Gomer, you sure
are the conscientious one.


Is Pyle back yet?
Not yet, sergeant.

Well, I want to talk to him. I
want to talk to him real good

and then I want
to talk to you guys.

Why, what did we do?

Let me tell you something
about characters like Pyle.

When these truthful,
never-tell-a-lie guys

like him go, they go
all the way, just like that.

I've seen it happen before,
and you know whose fault it is?

You guys. How come?

It's psychological and
you guys are to blame.

I don't get it. I think I know
where the sergeant is going.

Shut up, Hummel.

Look, every weekend,
Pyle listens to you guys

bulling each other about the
big deals you got cooking in town.

He's getting an
inferiority complex.

So what does he do?

He cooks up a big deal of
his own to impress everybody.

Only it's all in his head, see?

In other words,
he's fantasizing.


You think so, Sarge? You
think it's all in his head?

I know it is.

And when I see him, I'm...

Hey, Sergeant Carter,
I'm glad you're here.

Guess what? What Pyle?

It couldn't have been
more than ten seconds

when Miss Tracy showed up.

Huh? Huh?

Pyle, listen to me.

You're "phantomsizing!"

"Phantomsizing" and
it's got to stop, okay?

But it's the truth, she
only went shopping

and she forgot to tell
Mr. Stevens to expect us.

She was sorry as she
could be about the mix-up.

She sent me here to fetch
you back to her house.

You don't believe
me neither, Duke?

All right, I'll tell you
what I'm going to do.

Listen to this.

I'm going to prove to you
I've been telling the truth.

I'm going to call her up
and let you talk to her.

She gave me her phone
number, so you and the fellers

come on with me to the day
room and I'm going to call her.


Please, Duke. You
got to believe me.

You above everybody
else. You just got to.


You're gonna be apologizing
to me in about three minutes.

You just wait and see.

Curious, very curious.

Now what is it, Gomer?

I'm looking for
the piece of paper

with her phone number on it.

Here it is.

It's open, it's open.

What are you doing here, Pyle?

What do you want?

Sergeant Carter, I
know you're mad at me,

but could I talk to
you for a minute?

No. But I've got some
good news for you, Sergeant.

You're being transferred?

Oh, no, this is good news.

I just talked to Miss
Tracy on the phone.

Take it easy, Vince. Don't
let him aggravate you.

You're right, Boyle.

Pyle, get out of here!

But listen, Sergeant.

She's coming down
here to pick us all up

and take home with her.

She's coming here to the base.

Pyle! She is, she really is.


Oh, then maybe I
better get ready for her.

Oh, one more thing, Sergeant.

Do I have your permission to
bring Miss Tracy on the base?

Of course, Pyle, of course.

Bring her anywhere you want.

Bring her to the barracks,
I'll be there to welcome her.

Thank you, Sergeant.

I'm glad we're buddies again.

You do believe me.

Oh, of course.

He says he's going
to bring her here.

You think maybe this time...

Are you nuts, Boyle?

He's caught up
in a pack of lies.

He'll come up with
another excuse.

You think he's
flipped or something?

I don't know, but it's time
for the cure... come on.

Where are we going?
To the barracks.

What for? Look, I don't know
what this clown has cooked up,

but this time, when he
comes in with his latest excuse

for why she couldn't make
it, we'll be ready for him.

Did you have any trouble
finding the place, Miss Tracy?

Oh, not a bit... in fact,
it was a very nice ride.

And I'm glad we're going
to get this whole thing

straightened out,
once and for all.

The fellers should be ready now.

They were getting all
spiffed up when I left.

Did they finally believe you?

Well, it took a lot of doing,
but I guess they finally did.

My, my!

Don't you look pretty?

Ain't they gonna be surprised?

Well, here we are.

Who is it?

It's me, Gomer.

All right to come in?

Oh, sure, Pyle, come on in.

Eyes, right!

Could I speak to
you men a moment?

Excuse us, ladies.

All right, you guys,
hold it down, will you?

No raucous laughing...
This ain't a beer joint.

You're in the big time
now, so act accordingly.

No running and no
horsing around the pool.

We're just having fun, Sarge.

Have all the fun you like,

but use a little
decorum, understand?

I don't want to be embarrassed.

Okay, Sergeant.

Cool it down on
the eats, huh, fellas?

One handful at a time.

You'd think you were starving,

the way you guys
are going at it.

That's so funny, Gomer.

Hey, Sergeant. Pyle.

A beautiful party, Miss Tracy.

My compliments.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

Gomer here was just telling me

how wonderful
you've been to him.

Well, I do what I can for
all the men, Miss Tracy.

They're like a bunch
of kids, you know.

They need constant
looking after.

We're sure lucky to have
somebody like Sergeant Carter.

There ain't nothing
he doesn't know.

"Isn't nothing," Pyle.

Isn't. Not ain't.

See, Miss Tracy?

He's watching us all the time.

Yes. I have to keep my
eye on them every minute.

You never can tell
when one of them's

going to do something foolish.