Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Grudge Match - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

One week on board ship

and you slow down to a crawl.

(bell rings)

Probably the trouble is, you
miss them nice, long hikes

we used to take.

You know, them nice,
long walks in the country.

Look at that.

What, are you gaining weight?

Well, this Navy food
sure is good, Sergeant.



They must use different spices.

Like that lamb
we had last night.

Mmm. Pyle,

when are you gonna
learn not to talk in ranks?

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

I thought you asked
me a question.

I did not ask a question!

And if I do ask a question,

I do not want you to answer it.

You understand?

Well, is that a question?

If it is, the answer is, yes.

If it... Knock it off!

Now hear this and hear it good.



We are Marines on a Navy ship.

From now on, we're
gonna shape up

and look and act like Marines.

And to start getting you
guys back in condition,

we're gonna have a daily
program of good, strong exercise.

That's right.

To get rid of the fat
and the sluggishness.

So, when you're dismissed here,

you will suit up in sweat suits

and report to me in
the gym in five minutes.

Now...

Pyle, What do you
think you're doing?

I got something in
my eye, Sergeant.

So, you got
something in your eye.

All right... Well,
it hurts, Sergeant.

Well, pull the upper
lid over the lower lid

and just wipe it out.

Now, I'm going to
start an athletic program

that will get each one of
you men squared away.

I want to... (mumbles)

That don't work, Sergeant.

What?

Pulling the upper
lid over the lower lid.

All right.

Ten-hut!

Dismissed!

All right, Pyle,
let me look at it.

All right, come
around to the light.

You know, I can
see my reflection

right in your eye.

Swell.

Here, blow your nose.

What?

Blow your nose!

(blowing nose)

Well, what's this?

What's this?

Did you see that, boys?

They blow their noses for 'em.

Isn't that nice?

Say, Sarge, do you tie
their shoes for 'em, too?

Why, he never.

We tie our own. Pyle...

Oh, you tie your own shoes.

They have to tie
their own shoes.

But he does do a lot
of other nice things

for us. Yeah? Like what?

Well, like once when
we was on a hike,

I turned my ankle,

and he carried me all
the way home in his arms.

Remember, Sergeant? SIMPSON: No.

Is that right? He sure did.

Just like I was a baby.

Didn't you, Sergeant? Gee,

the next thing you know,

you'll be saying he
tucked you in bed, too.

Well, as a matter of fact,

one time when I had the flu...

Dismissed, Pyle!

Well, it was a kindly human
thing to do, Sergeant...

Dismissed, Pyle! Dismissed!

Dismissed!

Yes, sir.

Gee, tucked him in bed.

Isn't that precious?

(laughing)

(laughing): Tucked him in bed!

(whistle blows)

Okay, okay, Next.

Pyle, Lombardi,
come on, mix it up.

(whistle blows)

Well, come on! Mix it up!

Mix it up!

Come on, Pyle!

Go to the body! The body!

Move around, both of you!

(whistle blows)

This looks like a waltz contest.

Give me them
gloves. Sure, Sergeant.

You can have
mine, too, Sergeant.

No, you keep yours on.

I want to show you something.

You guys are dancing around

like you never saw a
fight or a pair of gloves

in your whole life.

All right, come
on, get over there.

All right.

Now first,

I want show you
how to throw a jab.

You stand like this, see?

Your chin behind your shoulder

and you shoot
that left out like that.

Like this, see?

Jab... jab.

Boy, you sure is
slick, Sergeant.

Hey, there, Chief.

All right, now, you got that?

Your shoulder high.

Jab... jab.

Boy, that's slick.

(chuckling)

Well, am I doing it right?

Well, to be perfectly honest
with you, Sergeant, not quite.

You think you can do it better?

Yeah, I think so.

Here, give me that left
glove, will you, Private.

Now, you see, Sergeant, here,

your foot position is
okay, but when you,

when you throw your jab you
got your left elbow up too high.

See, that's okay for a
hook, but for a jab, no.

To jab, you cock
your arm back like this

and shoot out like a piston.

See?

Shazam!

That sure is neat, Chief.

That's no different

than the way I throw it. Look!

Golly, Sergeant,
that's real neat, too.

Come on, Sergeant,
let him settle it.

Which one of those two
punches was the best, Private?

Well, golly, Chief,
it's kind of hard to say.

They was both just
as nice as could be.

But, Pyle, mine was
the hardest, wasn't it?

Well, maybe it was.

Come on, Sergeant,

you couldn't break an
egg with that jab of yours.

Maybe I couldn't break an egg,

but I sure could make an
impression on your chin.

You really think so?

You bet I do.

I mean, really? Yeah!

Well, there's one
way to find out.

I thought you'd never ask.

Pyle, give him
that glove. No, no.

Wait, I got a better
idea. Yeah, I'll bet you do.

Okay, if you're
scared, forget it.

No, I'm not scared.
I'm not backing out.

But here's the way it is, see:

the boys are having a
smoker up on deck Friday night

and we're having
some bouts, see?

Now, if you want to fight me,
why don't we settle it there?

SIMPSON: I mean, why
waste it here in the gym?

Let everybody in on it.

What do you say it, Sarge?

Up on deck?

In front of the whole ship?

Sure, go ahead,
Sergeant, take him up on it.

(men cheering Carter on)

Yeah, yeah, okay, sure, why not?

I'll fight you here
or at the smoker.

What difference does it make?

(men cheering)

Okay, Sarge, we got a deal.

It's you and me
in the main event

at the smoker, Friday night.

That ought to give
the boys a kick.

Okay, buddy, I'll see you then.

And don't forget
to show up, now.

(growls)

Hey, Sergeant,

do you think you can whup him?

FRANKIE: Oh, sure
he can. Sure he can.

(men cheering)

DUKE: You'll be fighting
in front of the whole ship.

So I'll be fighting in
front of the whole ship.

I'm no rank amateur, you know.

You mean you've had
some fights, Sergeant?

What do you think?

Listen, I'll tell you something.

I was the Welterweight
champ in Junior High.

Is that right, Sergeant?

You was a champion?

Sure, there were 65
guys in the class, too.

Killer Carter, they called me.

My gym teacher
thought I should turn pro.

He said my right was
better than Louis's.

Joe Louis? No, Louis Patman.

He was the champ in
the class ahead of me.

But, listen, I'd keep this
quiet if I were you, fellas.

Because if Simpson finds
out, he's liable to try to back out.

It's too bad this ain't
a pro fight, fellas.

Why is that, Sergeant?

Well, I mean, you might be
able to pick up a few bucks.

You know, betting on me.

Hey, what's to stop us?

Well, it wouldn't

be too ethical for your Sergeant

to suggest something like that;

especially with me
being the favorite.

(chuckling)

Oh, boy, I can't
wait till Friday.

(grunting)

Golly!

Killer Carter.

How much you got, Frankie?

Uh, $13.

How much you got? Good. $22.

Now if we can just find
some suckers to bet with.

I don't know about this betting.

I never did believe
much in that.

Gomer, it was the sergeant
who gave us the idea.

Yeah, Gomer, he was
almost telling us to do it.

But only if it was a
professional fight, he said.

Gomer, please, don't spoil it.

Shouldn't we tell them

that Sergeant Carter was
the champion of his school?

No, no, no, whatever
you do, don't tell them that.

PYLE: But he was.

I know, but if they find out

Carter's an experienced
boxer, they'll want odds.

But we ought to
tell them the truth.

The chief ought to
know who he's fighting.

He might get himself hurt.

Gomer, you know what they say?

All's fair in love and war.

And this is war... sort of.

Hey, Duke, look over there.

Hey, it's a good place
to find some suckers.

Let's get over there.
Yeah. Good idea.

I don't know.

I don't think it's right to bet.

Come on, Gomer.

He sure hits that thing hard.

Like a hammer. Yeah.

Um, he, uh, he handles
that bag pretty good,

don't he? Yeah.

(grunting)

He have some fights
before he was in the Navy?

You putting me on, Mac? Huh.

Don't you know about the Chief?

Fleet champ for four years.

37 knockouts.

He only quit because
nobody would fight him.

You hear that?

He was the fleet
champ for four years.

The only reason he quit

'cause he couldn't find
anybody to fight with.

That's better than being
junior high school champ,

ain't it? I'd say
so. Lots better.

Come on, we'd
better get out of here.

Let's find Sergeant Carter and
tell him what he's walking into.

Come on. Yeah, we'd better.

Hiya, fellas.

Hey, watch this.

The old one-two.

Pum-pump! Pum...

Slick, huh?

Oh, yeah, that's real good.

Yeah, I'm really
getting back in shape.

Sergeant... we were...
Now, don't tell me

if you're putting any
bets down on me.

I mean, I don't want to hear
anything about gambling.

Anything you do like that,
well, it's, uh, strictly up to you.

Sergeant, what we're
trying to tell you is...

we were watching the
chief train up on deck...

Yeah?

Watch this, huh?

(panting)

(chuckles)

I used to be able
to do that every time.

Pum-pump!

Pa-pa-pa-paa!

(grunting)

Sergeant, what he
was trying to tell you is,

we was up on the deck
watching the chief train

for quite a while.

Hey, scouting him, huh?

That's smart.

Where's he weak, huh?

His hook? His right? Where?

No place.

Huh? That's right.

There's not a weak spot on him.

It's all hair and muscle.

What are you guys
trying to tell me?

Well, the fact is, Sarge,

we found out that Chief was
Fleet Champ for four years.

He only quit because
nobody would fight him. Yeah?

Yeah, and he's got 37 knockouts.

Okay, so he was a Fleet Champ.

So what?

Well, well, you might
be outclassed, Sergeant.

It, it might be too one-sided.

What?

GOMER: Sergeant, I think it'd be

to your credit if you
spoke up and said,

"This fight is unfair.

"My opponent is a stronger
and better fighter than I am.

And I think it's
silly to fight him."

That'd be to your credit.

Are you kidding?

But, Sergeant, it's not a match.

I, I think nobody would
blame you if you came down

with a bad cold or something.

Look, if I didn't know better,

I'd think that chief sent you
guys over here to scare me.

Out, out! I don't want
to hear any more!

Get out! Out,
out, out, out, out!

Out, out, out, out,
get out of here!

Out, out, out, out, out!

You know what I'm
thinking, you guys?

Uh-huh.

Sergeant Carter is
gonna get his self killed.

Killed.

That's just what Sergeant Carter

is gonna get his self is killed.

Yeah, Gomer, I'm
worried about him, too.

He could get himself hurt bad.

(bell rings) I don't know
why he's so stubborn.

Everybody'd understand if
he'd just speak up and say,

"I do not wish to fight someone

so much better than I am,
so for that reason I am"...

Gomer, forget it.

Look, you know he's
not going to do that.

Yeah.

You know, you
guys, I'm wondering.

Maybe if we can't get
through to the sarge,

we could get
through to the chief.

How do you mean?

I mean psychological warfare.

Huh?

The old war of nerves.

We'll gaslight him.

PYLE: How do you do that?

We scare him to death
and maybe he'll back out.

We'll have to get some
of the rest of the guys on it,

but it might just
work. (door opens)

(grunts)

Yeah, psychological warfare.

It's our only hope.

Well, look who's here.

The boys in green.

I'll bet your sarge is
pretty green about now.

Right, fellas?

(laughs)

You know, maybe
after this fight,

we'll get to see our
first burial at sea.

(laughs)

You fellers sure
crack a good joke.

What do you guys want?

Well... the guys in our
platoon got together

and pooled all our money
and sent us over here to find out

if you guys might be interested
in making a bet on the fight.

A bet?

You mean you guys
want to bet on Carter?

Well, sure, you don't think
we'd bet on anybody else,

do you? I'd like
some of that action.

Yeah, me, too. How
much you guys got?

220 bucks.

I don't know if we
can cover all that.

I suppose you
guys want the odds.

Five to one? Five to one?

Oh, no, no, that's too high.

W-We couldn't possibly
give them five to one,

could we, Frankie?
Oh, no, no, no.

No, I'm sorry, fellas, best we
could give you is four to one.

Take it or leave
it. Wait a minute.

You want to give
us four to one odds?

Make Carter the favorite? Yeah.

After all, our sergeant
is an ex-champ.

He's an ex-champ?

That's right.

He beat 65 guys
back when he was...

Back in the days when he
was fighting welterweight.

65 wins.

What? What do you say?

W-Wait a minute.

What about those 65 wins?

Nothing.

You want to bet or don't you?

W-What 65 guys did he beat?

Do you want to bet?

At four to one?

Okay, we'll take
the whole thing.

Come on, guys, get
your money together.

Right here, let's go, come on.

One, two, three...

Hey, uh, hey, Gomer, look,
they're putting up the money.

You said they'd be
too scared to bet.

I did? Sure.

You said they'd probably
heard about Killer Carter.

Remember?

What's this about Killer Carter?

Nothing, nothing.

Get your dough together.

No, no, no, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

What were you saying
about Killer Carter?

That's what they
used to call him.

His coach thought
he should turn pro,

said his right was
better than Louis'...

Gomer, that's
enough, that's enough.

You got your money
together? We ain't got all day.

Yeah, we got it right here.

$55.

Now what's this
about Killer Carter?

Nothing, nothing.

Well, here's our dough.

Hey, we'll let you hold it.

We trust you, see, but,
uh, you keep it handy

because we're
gonna be coming for it

right after the fight, okay?

Come on, you guys.

Let's go, Gomer.

Can I help you guys?

Oh, we just came
down to see Carter train.

Oh, I'm sorry, fellas, I
can't do it; I got my orders.

Sarge is sparring.

He doesn't want
to see any visitors.

So what? It won't
hurt to take a look.

Uh-uh, sorry. (yelling)

Oh!

Aah!

Take it easy, Sarge!

I don't like this.

I don't like this one bit.

It's deceitful.

Just one more, Gomer.

Ready?

Oh!

Aah!

I ain't sparring
with him no more.

I've had it. Ah,
don't worry, George.

In a day or two, you'll
be as good as new.

(punching bag rapidly)

Man, listen to that bag.

Sarge sure has fast hands.

I'll say that for him.

Yeah, fast hands.

Well, how long can
he keep that up?

He's been at it for 20 minutes.

All day, buddy.

All day.

You like that one-two?

One-two?

That's four-five, six-
seven, and eight-nine.

What's this? What's this?

I'm a six-to-one underdog?

Well, you should see
this guy train, Chief.

He-he's been murdering
his sparring partners.

You ought to hear
him on that heavy bag.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Are you guys forgetting
I was the fleet champ?

Well, that was a couple
of years ago, Chief.

You might have slowed
up a little since then.

What? Slowed up, that's a joke.

I'd like to put down
ten bucks at six to one

if I could get anybody
to take the bet.

I'll take it, Chief.

Come on.

I got to see this
guy for myself.

Come on.

Okay, on your toes;
here comes the chief.

Get going.

Deceitful, deceitful, deceitful.

Gomer, just try and remember

it's to save your
dear sergeant's life.

Will you please keep
remembering that?

Well...

Here, here, put
this in your mouth.

What do you mean
I can't go inside?

You can't keep me out of there.

Please, Chief.

It's for your own good.

Sarge has worked
himself up to such a pitch,

if he sees you, he'll
go for you right now.

He won't even wait
till tomorrow night.

Well, that's okay with me.

If he wants it now,
I'll give it to him now.

No, Chief, you can't,
you might get hurt...

(mumbling)

Aw, don't worry, Leonard.

You'll be eating solid
food again in no time, pal.

Chief, if you still want that
bet, I'll make it ten to one.

Hey, Chief.

You should have seen his face.

Did it work? Like a charm.

It worked.

It's deceitful, just
plain deceitful.

I know, I know,

it's to save
Sergeant Carter's life.

Oh, he was gaslit all right.

If anybody was
gaslit, it was him.

You see, Gomer,
psychological warfare.

It's the only thing that
can save the sarge.

Yep, the old war of nerves.

It works every time.

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

What's going on in here, huh?

Hey, fellas, I think it
worked, I think it worked.

Did you see the chief's...

Well, come on,
what's going on here?

What is all this?

Talk, somebody, talk.

You were talking pretty
good when I came in, Slater.

Keep going.

Oh... well.

Yeah, I'm waiting.

You see, we was using
psychological warfare.

What?

That's what you do when another
fella is stronger than you are

and is liable to
beat your brains out.

Huh?

So we gave him the gaslight.

Who?

What are you
talking about anyway?

Well, Chief Simpson,

you see, we was
real worried about you

and you wouldn't back out,

so we couldn't let you
go in there and get hurt.

So?

So we threw a little
scare into them, that's all.

Yeah? How'd you do that?

Well, first of all, all
the guys got together

and put up all their money

and we went over
and bet it on you.

Yeah, and we gave those
sailors four-to-one odds.

You gave them
four-to-one odds, on me?

Well, it shook
'em up pretty good.

And then we pretended
this was your training camp

and you were
knocking everybody out.

You guys bet all
the dough you have?

And gave four-to-one?

Well, you could
lose the whole wad.

We didn't care about that

as long as it was
going to help you.

I personally thought it
was a deceitful thing to do,

but, well, as long as it
was going to help out.

You guys did all that for me?

You know something, fellas,

I'll level with you...

I was kind of worried
about fighting that guy...

but not anymore.

That gaslighting
worked on me, too.

What you guys did has
given me strength, confidence.

You know what I'm
going to do now?

I'm going to fight that guy
like nobody ever fought before.

And I'm going to knock
him out, and you know why?

PYLE: Why, Sergeant?

Because you guys care.

(cheering, applause and booing)

Boy, the Sergeant's really
a picture of health, ain't he?

He's even got
roses in his cheeks.

I'll tell you one thing, Gomer,

many a fight's been
won on sheer confidence.

Yeah, the Sarge
has plenty of that.

He sure has.

Bless his heart.

How do you feel, Sarge?

(cheering and applause)

(bell rings)

And now the feature
bout of the evening.

In this corner weighing

162 and a half,
wearing gold trunks,

the pride of the Marines,
Sergeant Vince "Killer" Carter.

(applause and boos)

(bell ringing)

And in this corner,
weighing 171,

wearing white trunks,
the former fleet champion,

Wayne "Rattlesnake" Simpson.

(cheering, applause and booing)

(bell ringing)

This is it. What do
you think, Duke?

Well, like I said, Gomer,

that confidence the
Sarge was talking about,

it could make the difference.

And he's got it.

Bless his heart.

Touch gloves and
come out fighting.

(crowd shouting encouragement)

(bell rings)

eight...

Out.

It's over.

It's all over.

Easy, Gomer, easy.

Sergeant, are you all right?

OH, yeah, yeah...
I'm all... I'm okay.

What happened?

He knocked you out is what.

You okay now, Sarge, huh?

I'm as sorry as I can be.

What happened, Sarge?
You were so full of confidence.

I'll tell you
something, fellas...

that confidence is okay,

but a good right
cross is better.

I just called you
here to tell you this...

I want to thank
you for all you did.

And I also want to
apologize for last night's fight.

Now I know you lost a
lot of money betting on me

so I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna see that every
one of you get paid back.

Uh, Sergeant...

It may take me a little while,

but you're gonna get
every cent of it back.

Because what you guys did...

DUKE: Sergeant...
What is it, Slater?

Well, uh, Sergeant, you
don't have to pay us back.

We already got our money back.

In fact, more.

You did? How?

Well, when the odds
went to 20-to-one

we got $12 together and
went over and bet it on the chief.

Huh?

You did? Why did you do that?

Well, Sergeant, it's not that
we weren't loyal or anything.

It's just that we all
thought those odds

were too good to pass up.

Okay.

So you wanted to pick
up a few extra bucks.

That's what was important, huh?

So you bet against
your sergeant.

You all won.

Swell.

All except you, Pyle.

You didn't bet, did you?

No, sir. I don't
believe in betting.

Good.

But if I did believe in betting,

I'd have bet some
money on the chief

and I'd give all my
winnings to you.