Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 10 - Gomer, the Star Witness - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

(humming)

You like what you see
in that mirror, huh, Sarge?

I do indeed.

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

who's the sharpest of them all?

(barking)

(laughing)

Hey, Sarge. All
right if I come in?

There's not much point in
asking after you're in, Pyle.

What do you want?

I just come by to
pick up my pass.

Your pass?

You have the nerve to
stand there and ask me

for a pass after the
week you put in?

Think, Pyle, think. Was
there any day this week

you didn't foul up?
Well, was there?

Wednesday wasn't too bad.

Wasn't that the day you drove
a jeep into four feet of water?

And that was your good day.

They got it out.

Pyle, do you know
how much it costs

to rent one of them hoists?

And you have the nerve to ask me

for a pass after
a week like that?

No. But I sure would like one.

They got something
special in town.

It's a flower show

and I'm just dying to see it.

A flower show?

Uh-huh. They got a particular

Nasturtium that I
sure would like to see.

You're kidding, right, Pyle?

No, Sergeant.

I sure would appreciate
it if you let me go on pass,

so I could see that
particular Nasturtium.

Pyle...

Did you ever see a Nasturtium
that was proper grown?

Oh, it's a sight.

You see, Sergeant,
Nasturtiums is natural climbers

and if you let 'em, they'll
just grow right on up...

All right, Pyle. All right.

Anybody with a reason
that good deserves it.

Here.

There's your pass.

Thank you, Sergeant.
I sure do appreciate it.

You look like you're
getting ready to go out, too.

(sighing): Yeah.

There's a particular Nasturtium
I'm just dying to see, too.

Do tell.

Are you going to
the flower show, too?

Well, maybe we
can go... No, Pyle.

I ain't going to a flower show.

Well, even if you're not,

fact is, anytime, at
your convenience.

Maybe we could get together

later on for an ice cream soda

or something.

Maybe.

That is, that is, if you'd like.

You're kidding, Pyle.

Me have a soda with you?

Me and you?!

Pyle, even if your
work was perfect...

Perfect, mind you... you and me

would never be going
out together... never!

Well, we have before.

Twice to be exact.

Those were
accidents of fate, Pyle.

Accidents of fate.

I would never, in my right mind,

plan an evening with
you unless it was, uh...

an accident of fate.

Well, I just thought I'd ask.

You did not think, Pyle,
or you wouldn't have asked.

A private going
out with a sergeant?

You must be out
of your skull, Pyle.

Besides, if I did go
out with a private,

it would never be with a
lamebrained, lunkheaded,

goofball like you!

Now take your pass
and get out of here

before I change my mind!

Right, Sergeant.

And thank you.

How about that?

Pushy, isn't he?

Very pushy.

You want anything else, Private?

No thank you, ma'am.

Hey, you want to
smell something pretty?

(sniffing)

Mm! Nice!

Where'd you get them?

At the flower show.

They're beautiful.
Hey, if you're going,

I think I ought to warn you
about something though. Yeah?

The Nasturtiums is
a big disappointment.

They are?

I mean, they're all right,
but don't expect too much.

Oh, I won't.

I never do from Nasturtiums.

(tires screeching)
They're gonna hit.

They're gonna... (crashing)

Hey, what happened?

I seen the whole thing.

I seen the whole thing happen.

Golly, the way
some people drive!

It's a main street, pal,

not the San Diego freeway.

What are you doing, drag racing?

Look, buster, nobody
asked you to stop on a dime.

I knew they was
gonna hit. I just knew it.

I was settin' here, looking out
the window, just like I am now.

Shazam!

What happened, somebody give you

a new set of brakes
for Christmas?

I slowed down to
make a left-hand turn.

What do I look
like, a mind reader?

Next time, try signaling!

Let everybody in on it!

Why don't you
wake up? I did signal!

You did not! I did, too.

Yeah?! Yeah?! Yeah! Yeah!

That's my sergeant.
That's Sergeant Carter!

He's my sergeant!

Can I have my
check please, ma'am?

Oh, sure. I want to go out
there and see if I can help.

Okay, okay.

Bacon, lettuce and
tomato sandwich.

Let's see, that's, uh...

(snaps fingers)
Ain't that something?

That's the one
price I always forget.

Will you wait a second?
I'll check the menu.

I was not speeding!

Just ask the girl with me!

Why ask her?

How bright can she
be if she's out with you?

CARTER: Give me your
license. Give me your license.

That is, if they
ever gave you one.

I'll take yours, too, wise guy.

Hey, Vince!

(horn blows)

What are you doing?

I'm hungry!

Bacon, lettuce and
tomato sandwich is 65 cents

and an ice cream
soda is, uh... 30.

Now, is that all?

Yes, ma'am. Okay, um...

Five and zero is
five, carry the nothing.

Six and two is eight.

Oh, darn!

I do that every time.

Vince!

Hey, Vince!

(honking)

Can't you see I'm
doing something?!

I'm hungry!

Hungry?! Do you see
what this guy did to me?

I didn't see nothin'. I
had my eyes closed.

All I could see was
a big, juicy steak.

Now when are we gonna eat?

Here, loudmouth.
I'll see you in court.

I hope, for your sake,
you saved your money.

Don't worry. I'll be there.

Move over.

Take my advice:

don't drive to court or
you'll never get there.

Now are we gonna eat?!

Eat, eat, eat! That's all
you think about is eat!

(arguing continues
into distance)

Hey, what happened
to the other fella?

Nothing compared to
what's gonna happen to him.

Well, where'd he go?

If he's smart, he went
to look for a good lawyer.

That's a shame.

I was sitting right over
there in the window

and I seen the
whole thing happen.

I even said, "Hey,
they're gonna hit!"

And then, crash.

Hey, wait a minute.

You saw it happen?

I was sitting right over
there in that window.

I said, "Hey,
they're gonna hit!"

You mean, you saw the way
he hit me right in the back?

Seen the whole thing. I
said, "Hey, they're gonna..."

I mean, me just
minding my own business

waiting to make
a left-hand turn.

You saw that?
Seen the whole thing.

I said, "Hey..."
What's your name?

Gomer. Gomer Pyle.

See, the fella in the
accident with you... Gomer?

How would you like to
be a witness in court?

Me?

A witness in court?

Golly!

Well, you're the only
eyewitness we have.

An eyewitness!

Well, that sounds exciting!

You'll be a wonderful witness.

Well, thank you, uh...
Fred. Fred Cummins.

I'm pleased to know you, Fred.

Like I was saying,
that other fella...

Just let me get your
name and address.

You'll be hearing from my
lawyer in the next day or two.

And, uh, Gomer,

just make sure you don't discuss

any of this before the trial.

Yes, sir, you'll be
a great witness!

Seen the whole thing.

CARTER: Okay. Go ahead, buddy.

See how far you get!

Yeah? Well, we'll
see about that!

That miserable
creep! That no good...

What's up, Sarge?

I just got a call.
That guy's suing me.

Suing you? What for?

That accident I had.
How do you like that guy?

He's suing me! So?

You got insurance, haven't you?

Sure... but it's the
principle of the thing.

Why should my insurance company

have to pay for that? Well,
was the accident your fault?

I mean, how did it happen?

That creep stopped
right in front of me

so I smacked into him.

Well, did he signal
he was going to stop?

Huh? Did he?

I don't remember.

Well, if he didn't
signal, then you're okay.

Oh, I... I don't remember.

I don't think he did.

Well, were there any witnesses?

No. Those things happen so fast

nobody ever really sees them.

Well, then what are
you worried about?

There was no eyewitness;
it's just your word against his...

The word of a
stalwart, upstanding,

20-year Marine who
fought for his country,

against the word of a civilian.

Yeah... Yeah!

Hey, maybe I ought
to sue him, huh?

(laughing)

Hey, that's one good thing,

no witnesses, huh?

Hey, Sergeant.

What do you want, Pyle?

I just come by to tell you
something. Guess what?

I'm gonna have
to appear in court.

Court? What have you done now?

Well, it's about that
accident you had yesterday.

I hadn't seen you, so I
hadn't had a chance to tell you,

but I seen the whole thing...

That accident you had.

Huh? You saw it?

That's right; I was sitting
there staring out the window

at the coffee shop when,
all of a sudden... crash!

I seen the whole thing.

Yeah?

I come out there
as fast as I could

but you'd already gone,

so I stood around and talked
to Fred for a few minutes.

Fred? You know, Fred Cummins.

The fella whose car
got all smashed up.

I stayed with him till
the tow truck come.

Tow truck?! His car
wasn't wrecked that bad.

Oh, he wasn't so
worried about his car.

He was afraid to
drive with his back

hurting like it was.

Well, I'll see you later.

Look, Pyle, it wasn't my fault.

You saw the whole
thing. It was his fault, right?

Well, um, maybe I
said too much already.

I was told not to
discuss the case

till the trial comes up.

Well, I better get back.

So there was a witness, Sarge.

Too bad it had to be that one.

Huh? What do you mean?

Remember when Pyle
was in here yesterday

and suggested you go
out for a soda together?

Remember how you told him off?

Remember those
things you called him?

I remember. What
are you getting at?

Just this: Pyle would
be an idiot not to spring

at the chance to
get back at you.

I mean, he wouldn't
be human if he didn't

take advantage
of a setup like this.

Well, anyone else, yeah.

But Pyle?

We've been together
since boot camp.

Sure, Vince. I'm the only
sergeant he's ever had.

Uh-huh. He's loyal to me.

Uh-huh. I'm dead, ain't I?

Like I say, it's a golden
opportunity for the private.

He just won't be the friendliest
witness you might have.

That's great.

Oh, that's just great.

Well, what am I
supposed to do now?

Well, it might help if
Pyle just wasn't around.

I need you to tell me that?

It's too bad Pyle
doesn't have a furlough

coming up or something.

I was looking over
the furlough list

and I couldn't believe my eyes.

I don't know how I missed it.

You've been in the
Marines for over a year

and you've had
only one furlough.

You're entitled to another.

Really, Sergeant?

Are you sure?

I'm positive, and I'm
gonna see that you get it.

Immediately. A
two-week furlough.

Two weeks! Shazam!

Well, I can't thank
you enough, Sergeant.

Oh, well, you don't
have to thank me, Pyle.

You have it coming.

Well, thank you
anyhow. Thanks a million.

I'm gonna write home right
now and tell them I'm coming.

What a surprise!

When you came in here,
I bet you didn't expect

anything like this, huh?

I sure didn't.

(both laughing)

Sergeant Carter?
Yeah, that's me.

I got a summons for
you, Sergeant. Huh?

Some accident you
had? You're being sued.

Now can you tell
me where I can find

PFC Gomer Pyle?

I'm Gomer Pyle.

Got one for you, too, Private.

I understand you're
the only witness.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Aw, heck.

What a shame, Sergeant.

Now I won't be able
to go on that furlough.

Boy, I sure am glad you
two invited me for dinner.

There ain't nothing better

than good food and
good conversation.

Just think,

here we are socializing
together, you and me.

I didn't think that's possible
after what you said...

You know, about
us getting together

only through an
accident of fate.

Is this an accident
of fate, Sergeant?

Huh?

Oh, no, no.

When I said

a sergeant doesn't
socialize with a private,

it was, uh... because of time.

Yeah, that's it, time.

You see, time

is the greatest
enemy of mankind.

All of us have so much to do

and so little time to do it.

Why, I'd love to get to know
all the men in the platoon,

but I just don't have the time.

So, I have to narrow it down

to the, uh, one or
two men I like the best.

Golly!

Now, have you had enough to eat?

Would you like anything else?

No, thank you, Sergeant.

I think I've eaten plenty.

Well, there's plenty
more if you want it.

Ain't there, Bunny?
Well, of course.

There's plenty of
food left in the house...

Two cans of tuna
and a bottle of ketchup.

PYLE: I don't think I
could eat another bite.

I'm just as
contented as I can be.

Then why don't you sit
down on the sofa and relax

while Bunny and
me do the dishes?

Gee, can't I help
you do the dishes?

There seems to
be a big load of 'em.

Uh, well, sure,
if you'd like to.

We wouldn't hear of it.

We don't mind doing
the dishes, do we, Bun?

Of course not.

I like washing dishes.

(laughs)

Well, uh, why
don't you just, uh,

take your coffee
over to the sofa, Pyle?

Thank you, Sergeant.

I'll be back in a minute.

(laughs)

You're kidding.

Look, Bunny... It's
all a big joke, right?

He'll hear you. How can he?

He's stuffed to
his ears with food!

Shh! You know
why I'm doing this.

If he's a hostile witness
against me in court tomorrow,

I'll be ruined,

so, all I'm trying to
do is to make sure

he's not a hostile
witness, that's all.

You should have gone out

and hired a good
lawyer, like I told you.

Good lawyers cost money.

I don't need a lawyer

as long as Pyle ain't
a hostile witness.

So, please, Bunny, be a sport.

Be nice to him,
just for tonight.

Well, why do I have
to be nice to him?

We can do the dishes later.

Now, come on, let's
keep him entertained.

I got to make sure
he ain't hostile.

You know who's hostile?!

I'm hostile!

Bunny, please!

You sure got some
swell records here.

I mean, good
records for dancing.

Pyle's one of the best
dancers on the base, Bunny.

How about that?

Oh, he's terrific.

Go ahead, dance with
him, see for yourself.

(stammering): Well...

Go ahead; I love to
watch good dancers.

(swing music plays)

Well, yeah, it's-it's
okay with me,

but, why, I'm sure
Gomer's too tired.

For dancing?

I ain't never too
tired for dancing.

(swing music plays)

(music ends)

(sighs)

(panting)

Boy, that was sure fun.

That's the first time

I ever danced a whole
long-playing record

without stopping.

You're a good
dancer, Miss Bunny.

Did you know that? (panting)

(breathless muttering)

(sighs)

You having a good time, Pyle?

Am I? I haven't had so
much fun in a long, long time.

Good, good.

And you know the
best part? What?

Being out with
such good friends.

That is the most important
thing in life, Pyle: friends.

I believe that,
Sergeant, I really do.

No matter where you
are or what you're doing,

it doesn't mean a thing
if you don't have a friend.

So true, so true.

You can be the richest
man in the whole world.

What good is it if you
don't have a friend?

Amen, Sergeant.

Amen and double amen.

And when times are good,

you should always
share them with a friend.

Isn't that right, Pyle?

Right, Sergeant.

And when times is bad,

who else can you
depend on except a friend?

You know something, Pyle?

You and me think alike.

I guess we do.

And we're friends,
aren't we, Pyle?

You're not only
my friend, Sergeant.

You're my best friend.

Oh, that's really
important to me, Pyle,

because when a man's
on trial, he needs a friend.

I guess I'm just lucky
that the only witness

to that accident
happens to be my friend.

Right, Sergeant.

And ain't it a shame

that the court's the only place
where a friendship don't count?

In court, whether you're
a friend or an enemy,

you got to tell the truth,

the whole truth and
nothing but the truth.

A whole evening.

I spent an entire
evening with him!

I gave him dinner, I let
him dance with my girl.

Nothing. He's not gonna
be a friendly witness.

You're sure, huh?
Well, it's like you said.

He wouldn't be human

if he didn't take
advantage of this.

I have been leaning
on him for over a year.

Now comes a golden
opportunity for him.

Oh, I can see it coming.

Sarge, will you sign
these papers, please?

Do you have to bother
me with that stuff now?

I go on trial in an
hour, remember?

What are you bugging
me with that for?

I'm sorry, Sarge,

but these are the
day's duty rosters,

and they need your signature.

(groans)

Yeah... Yeah!

Boyle,

this entire roster
has to be retyped.

What's wrong with it?

Plenty.

There's a name missing.

Pyle.

Private First Class Gomer Pyle.

What are you
talking about, Sarge?

He's got to be at your trial.

Why, if his name were
on this duty roster...

Retype it, Boyle.

And this time, do it right.

Cummins v. Carter.

(clears throat)

Uh, Your Honor, on
behalf of my client,

I'd like to request the,
uh, Court's indulgence.

Are you telling me

that your witness
still hasn't shown up?

Your Honor, you've
been very patient,

but I'm-I'm sure

we won't have to
wait much longer.

We'd better not.

PYLE: Hey, everybody!

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Sergeant.

I didn't miss nothing, did I?

You know why I'm late?

You put my name on
the duty roster by mistake.

You forgot all about
me being the eyewitness.

But when I explained it

to the officer of the
day, he let me go.

Will you approach
the bench, please?

Who, me?

Both of you.

You were a witness
to this accident?

Yes, Your Honor, the eyewitness.

The only one.

Sergeant, is it true that you
assigned this man to duty

knowing that he was
due here in this court?

Well, I...

I think it was just a
mistake, Your Honor.

Sergeant Carter's
been real good to me,

especially lately.

Especially lately?

Uh-huh. Couple of
days ago, he tried

to get me to go on
a two-week furlough,

and just last night, he took
me to dinner with his girlfriend.

That's her over there.

Hey, Bunny!

She's a real good dancer.

Counselor, in, uh... in
view of this information,

do you still want
to call this witness?

PYLE: Oh, that won't make
any difference, Your Honor.

I know that a witness
has to be 100% fair.

Well, in spite of the
irregularity, Your Honor,

my client has no objections.

Very well.

Uh, you can sit
down, uh, Sergeant.

Bailiff, swear in the witness.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth?

I certainly do.

And now, will you, uh, tell
the court your name, please?

Private First Class Gomer
Pyle, United States Marine Corps,

serial number 420-50227.

If I'm going too fast,
just let me know.

ATTORNEY: Now, Private,

on the, uh, afternoon of
October 15 of this year,

did you witness an
automobile accident?

I sure did.

Now, will you tell us
exactly what did you see?

Well, I was sitting
in this coffee shop

right by the window,
and I was staring out,

just watching the people
go by, when all of a sudden,

I seen these two cars
coming down the road.

All of a sudden,
the car in front

stopped to make
a left-hand turn,

and the car in back
just kept coming.

I could see that
they was gonna hit.

I even said to myself,

"They're gonna hit,
they're gonna hit!"

And the car in back,

the one driven by the
defendant, Sergeant Carter,

crashed into the car in front.

Yes, sir, that's what
happened, all right.

Well, Your Honor,
there seems no doubt

that this is a case
of blatant negligence

on the part of the
defendant, Sergeant Carter.

PYLE: Well, there's a little
more to the story than that.

Don't you want to hear it all?

Sergeant Carter
didn't hardly slow down.

Oh, yes, yes.

Do go on, Private.

But that's probably because
he didn't have time to.

You see, the other
driver, Mr. Cummins...

He stopped real short,

and he didn't give a signal.

Sergeant Carter's
got real good eyesight,

and he would have
seen that signal, all right.

I think the trouble was,

he was paying too much
attention to Miss Bunny.

Miss Bunny's a real pretty
girl, and I can understand

why he likes to look at her.

But I can't understand why
Mr. Cummins would be driving

when his brake
lights don't work.

That causes a lot of
accidents, Mr. Cummins.

And so does speeding.

And I think Sergeant
Carter was speeding

a little, but I don't understand

why Mr. Cummins was
making a left-hand turn

from a right-hand lane.

But, if Sergeant Carter
had been looking,

he would have seen
what was gonna happen.

(bangs gavel)

All right, all right,
I've heard enough.

Sergeant Carter,
Mr. Cummins, come up here.

JUDGE: Now, from the
testimony of this witness,

it is all too apparent that
both of you are at fault.

And not only that,
but as drivers,

you are a menace
to public safety.

Now, if I hear

that either one of you
commits another infraction,

even if it's only
overtime parking,

I personally will see that
you lose your driver's license!

Case dismissed! (bangs gavel)

Hey, Sergeant,

I'm sorry I had to say
all them things about you,

but I swore to tell the truth.

Yeah, Pyle, yeah.

Everything turned
out all right, though.

I mean, with the case
being dismissed and all.

Yeah, sure.

Why don't we celebrate tonight?

What say we go over to
your house, Miss Bunny,

and dance and dance and dance?

I sure do appreciate
the lift, Sergeant.

Yeah.

Boy, the way they're parked,

they ought to have
their heads examined.

They got me jammed
in here like a sardine.

Oh, speaking of sardines,
where we gonna eat?

PYLE: They sure do have you

sandwiched in here,
all right, Sergeant.

Speaking of sandwiches, I... No!

PYLE: I think you got just
enough room to make it, Sergeant.

I know, Pyle. I can see.

(tires squealing)

Hey, look out, you're
gonna... (crash)

Shazam!

Another accident!

But don't you worry, Sergeant.

I seen the whole thing,
and I'll be your eyewitness.