Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 7 - Cat Overboard - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

Now, don't gobble
it so fast, Henrietta.

Ain't nobody gonna
take it away from you.

Just sip it nice and easy.

And don't slurp.

Gomer!

Gomer, I thought
you got rid of that cat.

Uh-uh. I guess she likes me.

You mean she likes that
chow you've been feeding her.

Well, that, too, I suppose.



I wished I could find
her some fish heads.

The cook says we
only get frozen fish here,

and they don't freeze the heads.

Well, I'll rustle her up
something else nice for later on.

Gomer, you're really
asking for trouble.

You know you're not supposed
to have any pets on the base.

What's the matter
with you? A cat he's got.

DUKE: Gomer, what is it about
you that brings every stray animal

to your doorstep? I don't know.

I just kind of take to 'em,
and they kind of take to me.

I like all living things.

Anyway, she reminds me of
Henrietta, my cat back home.

That's the reason
I call her Henrietta,

on account of she
reminds me of her.



You'd have loved Henrietta.

Clean... why, she
was the cleanest cat

you nearly ever saw.

Pyle!

Oh, hey, Sergeant.
Pyle, did I or did I not

tell you to get rid of that
cat? Well, you did, but...

This is a Marine base, not a
home for lost animals! Well, I tried

to get rid of her, honest.

But she just keeps coming back.

She just keeps
coming back to me.

That's very touching.

I'm really sorry,
Sergeant, but I'll try...

Never mind, Pyle.
It's okay. It's okay.

You don't have to
get rid of the cat.

The cat is gonna get rid
of you. Beg your pardon?

You're going on
a little trip, is what.

Now, all of you, listen up.

You're all going on a trip.

We just got orders to move out.

We're boarding ship for
three weeks of maneuvers.

You really mean it, Sergeant?

We're gonna go aboard
a for real Navy ship?

No, it's the good ship Lollipop.

Now, all of you, I want you
to get all your gear together.

We're moving out
tomorrow at 1900.

That means Marines only.

No cats. Is that clear, Pyle?

Right, Sergeant. (grumbles)

Well, I guess this looks like

the end of the line
for us, Henrietta.

That's all part of
being a Marine.

When duty calls, you just got
to leave your loved ones behind.

Okay, you finished your milk,
so now's as good a time as any

for you to be on your way.

Okay, now, go on. Scoot.

Go on, now. Don't look back.

That's the worst
thing you can do.

Just look straight
ahead and keep going.

Now, scoot.

That's a good girl.
Just keep walking.

If I was you, I'd hook
up with a civilian.

They lead a lot
more settled life.

Pyle.

Did you say good-bye
to your whiskered friend?

My what? The cat! The cat!

Oh, you mean Henrietta.

Oh, yeah, I expect she's
back in town by now.

See, what I done... Is she gone?

Yes, sir. Good.

Now, move it!

All right, let's straighten
up that formation.

Look alive in there.

Come on. Buckle
up that chin strap.

You, too.

Come on. Move, move, move!

CARTER: All right, fall
out. Get ready to load up.

You better get that cat out of here
before she follows you on the truck.

That's all Sergeant
Carter needs.

Come on.

It ain't gonna do you any
good to hang around here.

I can't take you with me.

Now, go on and scoot.

Now, go on. Now, you don't want

to get me in trouble with
the sergeant, do you?

Please, Henrietta, go on.

Now, stop that.

It ain't gonna do you any good.

You can cuddle all you
want to, but I just can't.

Pyle?

Pyle!

I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I forgot something.

Let me try and
guess... Your head?

No, it was just... Are we keeping
you away from something important?

No, it's just... I wouldn't want
to drag you away from anything.

Well, that's real
considerate of you, Sergeant,

but I was just...
Get on that truck!

Yes, sir.

(bell clangs) Well, here it is,
gentlemen, your home away from home.

This is it? This is
the whole thing?

Yeah, just make
yourself at home.

I hope none of you
have claustrophobia.

What's claustrophobia?

That's when you're afraid
of small, closed-in places.

Oh, is that what they call it?

Yeah. Why? What do you call it?

I call it being afraid of
small, closed-in places.

Why? You got it?

No. I like it.

I think it makes things cozier.

Yeah, swell.

I hope I get the
top bunk up there.

Be like sleeping in a
tree house back home.

Well, just don't
walk in your sleep.

That first step'll be a beaut.

Well, Navy, how's
the chow in this tub?

The best.

You know the navy.

We always go first class.

Do you ever serve
sardines once in a while?

Yeah, sometimes.

How about tuna fish?

Yeah. And fresh milk?

Do you have
plenty of fresh milk?

Course we do.
Anything you got we got.

Gomer...

Gomer, what was all that
third-degree about just now?

Tuna fish, sardines, fresh milk.

I know you used to
worry about all that

when you had a cat to feed,

but now you don't
have a cat to feed.

That's right, isn't it,
Gomer? You don't have

a cat to feed?

Gomer, tell me you don't

have a cat to feed.

Well, darn it all, Duke. I
just couldn't leave her behind.

I just couldn't. Gomer,

Gomer, you've got
to be out of your mind!

Sorry I had to transport
you this way, Henrietta,

but it was the only way.

Now, take a deep breath and
get some fresh air in your lungs.

Gomer, Sergeant Carter is gonna
kill you. You know that, don't you?

With his bare hands, he's
gonna squeeze the life out of you!

Well, I ain't too happy
about the prospect,

but golly, what are you gonna
do when a poor, innocent critter

curls herself around your leg

and begs you not
to leave her behind?

You can give her
a good, swift kick

and tell her to get lost;
that's what you can do.

You don't mean that, Duke.

You're a kind a person,
and you don't mean that.

All right, all right.

Just how do you
expect to keep a cat

hidden aboard a
ship for three weeks?

Well, I ain't quite got that
planned out yet. Oh, peachy.

But it shouldn't be
too much trouble.

It's such a big ship
and such a little bitty cat.

Quick! Get that
thing back in the bag!

Sergeant Carter's
coming! Oh, Lordy.

Now, not a peep out
of you, do you hear?

All right, you
people, listen up.

For the next day or so,
we're gonna be anchored here

in the harbor until the rest
of the convoy assembles.

But that don't mean
we're on holiday.

Our work goes on as usual,
so let's get settled down.

Oh, uh, one more thing.

I got a few important words
to say, so listen up real good.

As sharp as we are on land,

we got to be twice as
sharp onboard this ship.

So let's don't give the Navy
any reason to think we're not.

During the next three weeks,

we're gonna be
perfect in every way.

Is that clear? ALL:
Aye, aye, Sergeant!

How are we gonna
be? Perfect in every way!

I can't hear you!

Perfect in every way! Okay.

Now, I've had a lot of squads
and lot of platoons on a lot of ships.

I have a perfect record.

I don't want this trip
to be any different.

I don't want to see...
(Henrietta meows)

What was that? I
heard something.

A kind of squeaking.

(squeaky throat clearing)

Was that you just now, Pyle?

Just now? Yes, sir, that was me.

See, I ain't used
to the sea air yet.

Now, I don't want to
see any rules broken.

(meowing) I don't want to
see them even slightly bent...

There it was again.

(squeaky throat clearing)

That wasn't you this time, Pyle.

(squeaky throat clearing)

Will you shut up!

Get out of my way!

Sergeant, there's
something I'd like to explain.

You're out to get
me, aren't you?

Well, Sergeant... If
you want to destroy me,

why don't you do
it the quick way?

Shoot me, push me overboard,
but why this slow torture?

Sergeant... You actually
brought a cat aboard ship!

You actually did it! But,
Sergeant, I was just...

Okay, Pyle, you did
a real bright thing.

Now I'm gonna do a bright thing.

What are you gonna do, Sergeant?

You want to do what
I'm gonna do, Pyle?

I'm gonna take this cat,
I'm going up on deck,

and I'm gonna
throw it overboard!

But, Sergeant
Carter, you wouldn't!

Oh, wouldn't I? Just watch me!

P.A. SYSTEM: Now
hear this. Now hear this.

All Marines fall in topside.

All Marines fall in
topside on the double.

Okay, you're saved
by the bell this time.

But when we get
back from up there,

this thing goes in the drink.

But you can't do that, Sergeant.

Pyle, are you telling me
what I can and what I can't do?

No, sir, but... Then secure
this cat until we get back!

And I mean secure it. I don't
want it roaming all over the ship!

But, Sergeant...
Move it! Move it! Do it!

Henrietta, see what
trouble you got me into?

And in case any of you lads
think this is a pleasure cruise,

let me straighten you
out right here and now.

You're here to work.

You'll be expected to keep
your own areas policed,

and while on deck, you'll be
expected to help police the decks.

You will each take
your turn in the galley.

I'm the senior chief petty
officer aboard this ship,

and I'm in charge of this group.

Obey the rules and regulations,
keep your noses clean,

and there won't be any trouble.

But if one single
rule is broken,

mm, you'll regret the day you
ever stepped aboard this ship.

So just keep that in...

Wait a minute. What's this?

What's this? What's this?

Who belongs to this?!

Well? It's mine,
sir. I guess it fell

out of my pocket. Well, how
did it get into your pocket?

Well, I bought it in
town, and I-I didn't think

there'd be any harm
in having a little turtle...

You see... see,
it's just a souvenir,

and I... and I thought...

A turtle belongs in the ocean!

Check your men a little
more carefully, Sergeant.

You know the rules
about contraband.

There will be no
contraband aboard this ship,

especially pets of any kind!

If I ever find any,

they'll be keeping
that turtle company.

I don't like contraband.
Contraband goes overboard!

Okay! Now you all know
how I feel about contraband.

Ten-hut!

Dismissed!

Did you see what he did
with my turtle? Did you see?

Boy, he's a doll. What's so
terrible about a little turtle?

A turtle... now,
what can a turtle do?

You heard him. It's contraband.

Poor Henrietta... She's
as good as gone right now.

If he'd do that
with a little turtle,

just think what
he'll do with a cat.

Looks like you
ain't gonna get to do

what you said you was
gonna do, Sergeant.

Huh? That there chief petty
officer's gonna beat you to it.

He's gonna do it for you:
throw Henrietta overboard.

Yeah, well, don't be so sure.
What do you mean, Sergeant?

You heard what he
said about contraband.

I heard, I heard. I know
all about contraband.

Nobody has to tell
me about contraband.

But I got something
to say, too, you know.

Then you ain't on his side?

You won't let him
hurt Henrietta?

If I don't want him to hurt Henrietta,
then he ain't gonna hurt Henrietta.

Sergeant Carter!

You're a wonderful human being
to be protecting a cat that way.

A wonderful human
being! Knock it off, Pyle!

It has nothing to
do with the cat!

I'm saying I'll
make the decisions

about what to do
with my contraband.

Oh, thank you,
Sergeant, thank you!

You ain't only saving a cat,
but you're protecting a mama.

Pyle, I told you it has
nothing to do with...

A mama?

Uh-huh.

Henrietta's gonna have kittens.

No.

Gomer, you're kidding.

Oh, I wouldn't kid
about a thing like that.

That's the reason I didn't have
the heart to leave her behind.

I just couldn't leave her
alone in that condition.

Why didn't you say
something, for crying out loud?

Why keep it a secret?

Well, I know how you felt
about having one cat around.

I was afraid to tell you
that there might be six more.

Six?

It's possible.

Ain't it exciting?

Henrietta's gonna become
a mama on the high seas.

You mean it can
happen that soon?

It looks like, Sergeant.

Oh, that's just great.

It ain't enough we have
to hide one cat on a ship.

Now we have to hide
a whole maternity ward.

I can't believe it.

Boy, you've pulled some
dillies in your time, Gomer,

but this time you've
topped yourself.

Bringing a expectant
cat aboard a Navy ship...

oh, brother.

I'm sure sorry I'm
causing so much trouble.

A lot of good that does.

Gomer, quick,
somebody's coming. Quick.

(Henrietta yowling)

Never mind, it's
only Sergeant Carter.

You sure gave me a
scare there, Sergeant.

Wipe that smile
off your face, Pyle.

I ain't exactly in a jolly mood.

We gotta do something to get that cat
off of this bucket before it shoves off.

If the Navy ever finds out...

Hey, how about
sticking her in a basket

and floating her to shore?

We're too far out.

She could float the wrong way.

I sure hate the thought of
putting Henrietta in the water.

Then come up with something!

We got to do something...

Sergeant, quick,
the CPO is coming.

Henrietta, whatever you do,

you keep that little
mouth of yours closed.

Sergeant, I want to talk to you.

Sure.

No, no, what I want to say I want
to say right here in front of the men.

Oh?

Well... well, okay.

What seems to be the problem?

Yesterday I sent down a
set of rules and regulations

which I expected to
be followed to the 'T.'

Now one of the
things I mentioned

was the subject of contraband.

Unfortunately, it has
come to my attention

that one of your
men has seen fit

to ignore these regulations

and has neglected
to turn over to us

contraband which he
brought aboard this ship.

Yeah, well... look,
I know all about it.

I guess it's my fault for letting
it happen in the first place.

But before you do anything
rash, let me explain...

I'm not interested

in any explanations, Sergeant.

You know we can't allow a
thing like that aboard ship.

A thing like this could affect the
whole communications system.

A transistor radio?

Transistor radio contraband.

I found it on one of
your men up on deck.

You better check
your men, Sergeant.

If they find any more of these,

they'll have to be confiscated
till after the operation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll
get on it right away.

You see that you do.

That's contraband, and you
know I feel about contraband.

Oh, sure, sure.

We all know how you
feel about contraband.

(chuckles)

Boy, I thought Henrietta was
a dead cat for sure that time.

I can't tell you how
much I appreciate

you helping out, Sergeant.

The cat-lovers of America
ought to hear about this.

Yeah, swell. (boatswain's
whistle blowing)

In the meantime, we still
got a cat on our hands.

P.A. SYSTEM: Now
hear this. Now hear this.

All Marines topside
for inspection

at 1100.

Full pack and weapons.
Full pack and weapons.

All right, that's 15
minutes from now.

Okay, you people, move it.

Pyle, secure that cat.

Right, Sergeant.

I made a leash out of a
couple of bootstraps here.

That ought to keep
her from roaming.

All right, tie it down good.

All right, Henrietta.

I'm gonna have to anchor
you down here for a while.

There we go.

Now we'll figure out something,

so you don't
worry about a thing.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Dirty weapon.

Yes, sir.

What's wrong with you, Private?

What's going on, Private?

Uh, he hasn't been well, sir.

Ever since he boarded ship,
he's been having these attacks.

I think it's just nerves, sir.

Perhaps you better
get him to sick bay.

Aye, aye, sir. Right away, sir.

I think if I could just go
down to my bunk for a bit,

I'd be all right.

Very well. Dismissed.

That's all I can see.

Are you sure it's
the only way, Sarge?

Positive. We can't go on.

Sergeant, you know what
will happen. Why, that CPO...

Look, what do you want me to do?

We tried to figure a way out,
and we couldn't come up with it.

I ain't sticking my
neck out no more...

Sergeant, she's really
secured good this time.

I doubled up the bootstraps
and put in an extra knot.

The hide-and-seek
game's over with, Pyle.

Beg your pardon?

We're gonna turn the cat in.

Sergeant Carter.

It's the only way.

If that CPO finds her
roaming around down there,

she's done for.

This way if we turn her in
and tell him about the kittens,

who knows, he may
show a little mercy.

Well, how can we be sure? We
can't be, but if they ever found out

I knew about that cat, I'll
have my head handed to me.

So I'm going to make out like I
just found her roaming around

and I'm turning her in.

There's still time to
think of another way.

Pyle, it's the
cat's neck or mine.

Now who do you
think is going to win?

Yes, Sergeant.

All right, now go down
there and bring her up here.

Poor Henrietta. Poor
little mama-to-be.

That CPO is gonna
take... Henrietta?

Oh, Lord, she's gone
and got unsecured again.

Henrietta? Kitty, kitty, kitty.

Henrietta, please be here.

Henrietta?

Sergeant, maybe if we went to
the captain. Right to the head man.

No, no, no, no.

Sergeant Carter, I got some
bad news, some real bad news.

The cat's gone.

I don't know how it
could have happened.

I had her tied up
real good this time.

I really did.

Do you want to
know what I think?

I think that there CPO
must have found her.

Well, we can't be sure of that.

Let's spread out and
start looking for her.

You go aft, you go forward,

and you go down in the hole.

Hey, Sergeant, look.

He threw Henrietta overboard.

Just like that. He really did.

What a mean thing.

What a mean thing to do.

Pyle, what are you doing?!

Cat overboard! Cat overboard!

What's this? What's this?

Sergeant, what's going on here?

Who... who jumped overboard?

As if you didn't
know all about it.

What are you talking about?

Boy, I've seen some cold cookies
in my time, but you take the prize.

Huh?

Couldn't you have
said something first?

Maybe we could've
figured something out.

Boy, you're all heart, Chief.

What are you talking about?

I just... Sergeant.

It wasn't what
we thought at all.

It was just a bunch
of old magazines.

Hey, he's right.

Just old magazines.

True Love Stories, Real
Romances, Passion Digest.

Hey, are these your magazines?

Well, what if they are?

Why'd you have to
jump in after them?

And after you're
through with them,

you want to get rid
of the evidence, huh?

Real Romances Passion
Digest... (laughter)

Look, what I choose to
read is nobody's business,

especially a bunch of Marines

who are still wet
behind the ears.

(Henrietta meows) Henrietta!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I thought for sure
you was done for.

What's this? What's this?

Do you know what that is?

That's contraband. Contraband.

Look, buddy, let's not
get all hot under the collar.

You heard what I said
about pets aboard this ship,

about contraband of any kind,

and what I'd do if I found any.

But you just can't do what
you said you was gonna do.

There's something about
this cat that you ought to know.

Look, I know it's a cat.

It's contraband.

That's all I have to know.

Please, you can't throw
her overboard. Please.

This ain't no ordinary cat.

This is a mama-to-be cat.

And from the looks of her,

I think the time
is just about here.

I think all this excitement
is bringing it on.

What? That's right.

A mama-to-be cat,
any minute now.

Please, please,
you can't, you can't.

Take your hands off me, Private.

Please don't do it. Please.

Look, Pyle, save your breath.

Talking to him is
like talking to a rock.

I bet you spend your spare
time pulling wings off flies.

Go on, go on. You
got your contraband.

Throw the cat overboard.
Make yourself a big hero.

Don't you tell me
what to do, mister.

If I want to throw
this cat overboard,

I'll throw him overboard when
I want to throw him overboard,

and no gyrene sergeant
is gonna tell me what to do.

It so happens that I got something
better to do with this cat right now.

Yeah, like what?

Like taking her
down to the sick bay.

We got a couple of raw
pharmacist's mates down there

who could use a
little extra experience,

and maybe helping
delivering these kittens

would be good training for them.

Well, I'll be.

Just when you think you've got a
guy pegged, he double-crosses you.

How do you like that?

Deep down, he's a good
person, just like you are, Sergeant.

He wouldn't wanna hurt no
poor defenseless creature.

Look, don't just stand there
dripping all over the deck.

Get some dry clothes on.

He may be a good person, Sergeant,
but you're a warm, wonderful person.

Move it, Pyle.

Right, Sergeant...

And, Sergeant, if
Henrietta has any male cats

I want to name the
first one after you.

I'm gonna name
her firstborn Vincent

on account you're a
warm, wonderful person.

Will you get out of here?

What is this?

What are you? On a cruise?

Break it up!

Just a minute.

Sergeant, come on over here.

There's something
you ought to see.

Pyle, there's work to be done.

What are you doing
just standing around?

Look in there. Huh?

There they are... Henrietta
and her young'uns.

Pharmacist's mate here
found a home for them.

Yeah, yeah.

Look here.

This is one I named after you.

This is Vincent.

Know why I call him that?

Because he's so nice

and warm and wonderful
and good and trustworthy

and kindly.