Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 6 - Supply Sergeants Never Die - full transcript
Starring... as Gomer Pyle.
Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.
What a day... what a day.
What are you
complaining about, Vince?
They ask you to
do a little work?
A little work?
Two field problems,
a 20 mile hike
twice around the
obstacle course.
That's a little work?
That's murder.
Just plain murder.
Get the chaplain over to
listen to this heartbreaking story.
And what I'll never understand
is how come you make
the same dough I get.
And you're just a
Supply Sergeant. Supply!
I'm out in the hot sun
with a 60-pound pack,
and you're sitting around here
in a soft chair
counting shoelaces.
And you get paid the
same, and for what?
Supply!
Come on, get off it, Vince.
No, no, no, no.
He's absolutely right.
I shouldn't get the
same dough he does.
I should get twice what
he does. Did you hear that?
Did you hear what the
glorified haberdasher said?
I'm worth twice.
Without supply, nothing.
I'm the most important
guy in this outfit.
You ever think of that?
Aw, come on, Hank.
I'm in charge of 62 men!
Without me, 62 naked men.
So you give them a
pair of pants, big deal.
Me... I got the
real responsibility.
The life of every one of
them is in these hands.
Look, Dr. Kildare, for your job,
all you need is a can of
foot powder and a big mouth.
Hup, two, three, four!
For my job, you need brains.
You? You could be
replaced by a recording.
Do you have any idea...?
Come on, you guys!
Every night, the same argument.
For once, couldn't we have
a nice quiet game
of cards, no arguing?
Who's arguing?
You and all the
hard work you do.
Half the time, you're off
on leaves and liberties.
Well, easy enough.
There are 40 guys who
can take over for you.
Not me. I can't leave.
There ain't nobody
can take over for me.
Are you kidding? Why,
any wet-nosed recruit
could run this
two-bit country store.
Oh, why don't you stop?
Come on, gentlemen.
Cards... play, play.
Excuse me, everybody.
What do you want, Pyle.
It's Sergeant Singer.
A telegram was just
phoned into the duty hut.
You're a grandfather. Really?
Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! How about that?
What was it, a boy or a girl?
Well, let me think, now. I
was so excited when I heard.
Your son had a daughter.
A baby girl! Congratulations!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I don't have a son.
It was my daughter
who had the baby.
Oh. Well, then your
daughter had a son.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
If you had a son,
he had a daughter.
If you had a daughter,
she had a son.
I remember because
they was opposites.
A boy! That's even better!
Hey, what else did they
say? Everybody all right?
Just fine. And the
little feller weighed
ten pounds, born at 6:00.
Ten pounds! That's some baby!
Yeah, he's ready to
be a Marine already.
Or was it six pounds
born at 10:00?
Well, which is it, Pyle?
Well, I'm ain't exactly sure.
Like I said, I was so excited
and everything. I
gotta go call her.
Nice going, Pyle.
You got everything perfect.
Well, I was so excited.
This is the first baby
I ever reported on and
I didn't know what to do.
It's a boy! And he
was ten pounds!
(cheering)
Ten pounds, born at 0600.
You sure it wasn't 600
pounds, born at 10:00?
Hey, guess what?
They're gonna name
him after me... Henry.
Boy, that's starting
out with a handicap.
Henry Wattsworth Steincamp.
(laughing): That poor kid.
Oh, would I love
to see that kid.
I'd give anything to go.
So what's stopping you?
Oh, I can't get away. Trip
would take a whole week.
I couldn't find anybody
to take over for me.
Are you gonna
go into that again?
Come on, Hank, anybody
can handle your job.
I know, I know. You told me
that before. Well, I mean it.
You wanna see the kid so
bad, take off. What can happen?
What can happen?! In a week
the supply room
would be a shambles.
Nobody would be
able to find a thing.
"Take off," he says.
I said it before
and I'll say it again.
Any knucklehead can do your job.
Now's as good a
time as any to prove it.
I got a good mind to
take you up on that.
Then why don't
you? For how much?
You name it. Name it yourself.
A month's salary.
You're on. Good.
You're a witness, Boyle.
You heard the bet.
I say by the time I get back,
the place will be a mess.
And I say any knucklehead
can handle his job perfectly.
Right. Now, let's see.
How about that knucklehead
who delivered the telegram.
Pyle?
Yeah. Him.
That knucklehead?
You said any
knucklehead could do it.
What's the matter,
you want to back out?
What? And miss the chance
to show you up? No, it's a bet!
You're on! You're on! Good!
So, Pyle's my replacement.
Okay, I'll go get
my leave papers.
An extra month's pay...
that'll just about cover the trip.
Thanks! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Carter laughs mockingly)
You want me to do what?
That's right, I've been
watching you lately
and I think you're ready
for more responsibility.
That's why I picked you
out for this job myself.
That's real nice
of you, Sergeant,
but I don't know
a thing about...
Nothing to it... a man comes in,
he asks for something,
you give it to him.
That don't sound too hard.
Well, it's easy. Look,
we'll practice a little.
Now, for instance, I
come in here and I say,
"Give me, uh, give
me a pistol belt."
What do I do?
You go and get a pistol bet.
Oh.
Well, where are they?
They're on the
pistol belt shelf.
Oh... Where's that?
Pyle, why are you
making a big production
out of a simple thing?
A man comes in and
asks for a pistol belt,
you give it to him.
Is that difficult?
Now, I can't show you.
You're gonna be in charge.
You're gonna have
to find it yourself.
Now, they're somewhere in there.
All right, Sergeant.
Can you give me
a hint? No hints!
Am I getting warm?
Keep looking. You'll find them.
I got some nice buckets here.
How about one of them instead?
A pistol belt!
Right, Sergeant.
Well, it'll take
him a little while
to know where everything is.
Yeah, sure, Vince.
You can't expect him to
know everything in five minutes.
Mm-hmm. He's gotta work at it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm dead, ain't I?
A whole month's pay!
What am I gonna do?
(door opens)
Sergeant Carter?
What do you want, Hummel?
I've just completed
the platoon S-10 forms.
They need your signature.
They aren't due till
the end of the week.
What's your hurry?
Well, I thought you might
like to have them ready.
Copies are in the duty hut
and the Y-8s have been posted.
Good. Good.
I always say, "Plan your
work and work your plan."
I can't find them
pistol belts nowheres.
If you're looking
for pistol belts,
they're on the
second stack behind.
How'd you know that?
Well, I've had occasion
to requisition items.
Simple power of
observation and retention.
Thanks, Lester.
Observation and retention.
You, had experience in
supply, Hummel? Some.
It's a simple matter
of cataloguing
and keeping a
permanent inventory.
I had a course in business
administration back at school.
Really helps. Business
administration?
Are you gonna be around long?
At the Company Office, Sergeant.
I'll be over in five minutes.
They was right where
he said they was.
Smart fellow, that, Lester.
Isn't he though?
Pyle, come here a minute.
When was the last
time you had leave?
Well, let me see.
I think it was back in about...
That long, huh? I had no idea.
Well, you're way overdue.
And if you got a leave
coming, you have to take it.
It's good for you. You
know, get away for a while.
What about the
job here, Sergeant?
Well, I'll hate to lose you,
but a tense Marine
is a bad Marine.
I'll have your orders typed
up. You leave in the morning.
But, Sergeant, this
job here, you said...
Don't worry about this
job. I want you to leave.
But, Sergeant...
That's an order, Pyle!
Hey, what a break! Did
you get that, Hummel?
He's had business
administration.
He's a natural.
Yeah, but how are
you gonna get Singer
to go along with the switch?
Just leave that to me.
All set to go?
Yeah, just gonna pick up a
couple of presents at the PX.
Hey, where's our
knucklehead? He's coming?
Pyle? Oh, sure, sure.
He'll be on duty here.
Subject to military
obligations, of course.
Huh?
Say, it's a nice
day for your trip.
Sergeant, here's the
leave papers for the platoon.
You wanted to check
them? Oh, yes. Thank you.
Yes, sir. It's a
perfect day for a trip.
72 degrees right now, Sergeant.
Scheduled to go to a high of 85.
Well, what's this?
Private Pyle has gone on leave?
Who's on leave?
Pyle. You know, the
knucklehead we picked?
Well, then, he's out.
Like we said, subject
to military obligations.
Oh, that's too bad.
He would have been
the perfect goof to come
in here and prove my point.
When did this leave of his...
Well, there's nothing to do
but to try to think of another
knucklehead. Let's see this.
You're not going on
leave, are you? No, I'm...
Then you'll have to take
over. What's your name again?
My name? Hummel, Sergeant.
Hummel, Sergeant Singer's
gonna be away for a week,
and you'll just have
to try to fill in
as best you can.
Okay, Singer, we got our man.
All right. If he's the one.
Let's go! Let's get started!
Come on, Hummel!
These are the
unfilled requisitions.
Those there are...
Oh, I understand.
The M-32's and the
M-19's, for armory items.
No problems.
I presume the
regular rules of survey
apply to used times
being replaced.
That's right.
Who is he? Who?
Nobody. Just somebody
from the platoon.
A Private Himmel.
No, Hummel. Hummel. Hummel.
Come on, you better get
started. How come Pyle got leave?
Well, can I help it
somebody gives him leave?
Just my luck, the only
guy left in the place is, uh...
uh... Hummel.
Hummel, Hummel.
Okay, you better take
over. Very good, Sergeant.
There'll be no problem
of any sort whatsoever.
You know, I had that course
in Business Administration...
I know, I know!
Now, get busy!
Come on, Hank, you don't
want to miss your plane.
That, Hummel, seems, uh...
pretty sure of himself.
Well, he's not as big as
a knucklehead as Pyle.
Oh, he really would've
been the perfect one
to come in here and
prove once and for all that...
PYLE: Hey, Sergeant!
I've been looking
all over for you!
Hey, Pyle, aren't
you supposed to...
Hey, get going, Pyle,
you'll miss your bus.
I thought it all over
and I just can't leave
with you depending on me.
So if you want me to
take that supply job,
I'm just gonna do it.
Huh?
I know you was
just trying to be nice,
ordering me to go on leave,
but I can't leave you
in the lurch, so I'll do it.
Well, that's all I
wanted to tell you.
I'll see you later.
That's what we call,
dirty pool, Vince. Shame!
You started to worry,
maybe it takes a
guy with half a brain,
so you switched guys on me.
What's this Hummel,
a college boy?
Well, I can't help
it... You know what?
You want Hummel in
there? Put Hummel in there.
I don't care if you go in
there and work yourself.
Because like you said,
any knucklehead can do it.
And I still say it! And you
wanna know something?
I'm gonna put Pyle in there
to prove it once and for all!
Yeah! Any knucklehead can do it.
I say it again!
Right! Pyle it is!
Yeah, good!
Come on, open up!
(indistinct, overlapping shouts)
All right! All
right! Knock it off!
You'll get what you want!
(shouting) Shut it!
Come on, Pyle, open up! Open up!
You can't keep
them out there all day.
What are you doing anyway?
What am I going to do, Sergeant?
I was just trying to
neaten up a little bit.
Pyle, you've been in here six
days. Is the best you can do?
Just look at here, Sergeant.
I had no idea when
I started this job
it'd be so complicated.
There's all these
itsy-bitsy items.
There must be
hundreds and hundreds
and thousands and thousands
and I don't know
where... Pyle! Pyle!
Get a hold of yourself!
Now, look, Pyle...
Pyle, you're an intelligent man.
You really are.
There's nothing about this
little job you can't handle.
Well, gosh, it's just like...
well, it's just like playing
store, now, isn't it?
And that's not hard, is it?
Then see if you can get
this mess straightened out
before Sergeant Singer
comes back tomorrow, okay?
Right, Sergeant.
I just wished he was back today.
Well, there's all
these itsy-bitsy items.
There must be
hundreds and hundreds
and thousands and thousands...
Well, he's not!
Now, get this place
going and now!
You understand?! Now!
(knocking, men clamoring)
Open that door,
and let those men in!
(men clamoring)
All right! All right!
Knock it off! Hold it! Hold it!
Now, get in line,
knock off the chatter.
You'll get taken care of.
Him first. Five shelter halves.
Check. Shelter halves.
Right away.
Five shelter halves,
shelter halves, shelter halves.
You did say "shelter
halves," didn't you?
You wouldn't want to
come back tomorrow
when Sergeant
Singer's here... Pyle!
I need 'em now.
I'm already late.
We're going out on bivouac.
(men clamoring)
(men clamoring) I got to
have some C-rations, too!
I need C-rations!
(phone ringing)
Golly, the phone!
Well, where is it?!
(men clamoring, phone ringing)
Well, knock it off!
You'll get your C-rations!
Did any of you fellas
take the phone?!
(phone ringing, all shouting)
Supply! Sergeant Carter!
Oh, Vince.
Knock it off! Knock it off!
Yeah?
This is surplus-baggage
Singer calling.
What do you want, Singer?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Just wanted to know how
your boy was getting along.
Hey, what are you doing
there, Vince, helping out?
No, I ain't helping out.
And everything's
fine. Just fine.
Hey, if that's Sergeant
Singer, would you ask him
where in mercy he keeps
them shelter halves?
And I can't find hide nor
hair of them helmet liners.
And where do you
send the laundry to?
(grunting)
Hey, what is it, Vince?
Uh, no trouble, is there?
What's going on?
No, there ain't any trouble.
Why should there be any trouble?
Nobody even
knows you're missing.
What is it now?
There's a fella here about
some basketball uniforms.
I never heard
nothing about that.
Uniforms? For basketball?
Six teams, ten on each.
60 uniforms.
Ask Sergeant Singer
where they're at.
Can't you look someplace?
Hey, Carter, this
is long distance.
It's costing me dough.
Yeah, but then I
guess I can afford it,
since I'm getting your paycheck.
Don't be so sure.
You ain't back yet.
Hey, Vince, you
getting squared away
with those basketball
uniforms, those 60 uniforms?
Well, as a matter of fact, I...
Six teams, ten uniforms...
Shirts, sneakers, jackets,
all in different cartons.
I meant to tell you about it.
Was just a routine thing.
Yeah, yeah, routine.
I'll see you tomorrow afternoon.
Oh, and the baby
says, "Goo-goo," to you.
(laughing)
Dead.
I'm dead.
Did he tell you where
the uniforms are at?
You find them, Pyle!
(loud clattering)
That's your job!
But, Sergeant...
That's an order!
Sergeant... (all shouting)
Pyle?
You here, Pyle?
PYLE: Be right with you.
List of stuff being delivered
here in the morning.
More stuff?
Hey, did you happen to run
across those uniforms yet?
Tell you the truth, I can't
hardly find nothing around here.
Sure good thing Sergeant
Singer's coming back tomorrow.
Maybe good for you,
but not for Carter.
Why's that?
Because you dear old sergeant
is about to get
clobbered, but good.
What do you mean?
Look, Pyle, for
the last ten years,
Carter's been riding Singer,
telling him what a soft touch
the supply job is here, and
that anybody could handle it.
Well, Singer finally
took him up on it.
And that's why you're here.
You can see what happened.
Shazam.
I had no idea.
Carter's not only gonna
lose the month's pay he bet,
but Singer's gonna ride
him about this from now on.
He counted on me,
and I let him down.
Sure did, buddy boy.
If Sergeant Carter
depended on me,
then I just got
to deliver for him.
Yeah, how?
Well...
I got all night to
straighten things.
Could fix the
place up, couldn't I?
Maybe.
They fixed Berlin.
Well, what do you say, huh?
Come on, Hank, this
is just the first time.
Have a heart, huh?
Give me three out of five, huh?
Three out of five?
Hey, you're that bad, huh?
(laughs)
Now, ain't that awful.
I can't believe it.
CARTER: Well, I'll be.
Hey, Sergeant Singer.
Welcome back.
Place looks pretty
good, don't it?
Course it ain't the
same as it was.
I moved some of the stuff
around so as I could find it easier.
Put in my own system.
Your own system.
You made up a system?
Uh-huh.
I divided the whole
room into three parts:
animal, vegetable and mineral.
Now, that part back
there in the back...
Leather stuff, like
that... That's animal.
And the stuff that's made out
of cotton, wood and the like,
that's vegetable.
Then all the rest is
mineral... All the metal things.
And all you got to do is play
animal, vegetable and mineral?
It won't work.
Blanket, poncho and a bayonet.
Right.
Blanket: animal.
Poncho: vegetable.
Bayonet: mineral.
(door closes) It
won't work, huh?
That's beautiful, beautiful!
I knew you'd do
it, Pyle. Good boy.
You satisfied now,
Sergeant Singer?
Huh? Huh?
Animal, vegetable and mineral.
(laughing)
(door opens)
Hi-ya, Hank.
How's my pigeon?
(laughing)
Hey, come on, let's
get the game started.
It's been a long time.
What's this?
Our bet. That's the
check I owe you.
But you don't have
to pay me now.
The day ain't over yet.
You got until midnight.
(laughing)
Deal the cards, Boyle.
Boy, Hank, I've been waiting
ten years to prove this point.
Hmm.
How'd everything
go at home, Hank?
Oh, fine, fine.
That baby okay? Yeah, yeah.
You want to know something?
That trip was a
blessing in disguise.
Huh?
I mean, I found out something.
You know, it's good to know.
I don't have to feel like
I'm walking out on a job.
I can start thinking
about retirement.
What are you talking about?
My daughter has this
spare room over the garage.
I could be a big help to them.
Help them on
babysitting, things like that.
How can you go from
being a Marine one day
to a babysitter the next?
Why not?
You mean you'd
really quit the Marines?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And you know who I
have to thank for it?
You, Vince. Oh, no kidding.
You did me a great favor.
You never said anything
before about quitting.
Yeah.
What kind of talk is this?
Why not? It makes sense.
But you got a job to do here.
Oh, you guys can find
another man for the card game.
(door opens)
PYLE: Good evening, Sergeants.
Just came by to pass out
them basketball
uniforms to the fellas.
No need for you to get up.
It'll all run smooth as
silk; no need for you at all.
Yeah, yeah, get out of here.
It'll all run smooth as silk.
Go on, get out!
It's your lead, Hank.
You guys mind if, uh,
we don't play tonight?
I'm kind of beat.
Yeah, sure, sure,
anything you say.
(men clamoring)
(all shouting)
Sergeant, are sneakers
made out of cotton
and that makes them vegetable,
or them leather
patches on the side,
does that make them animal?
I know they ain't mineral,
but I've looked all over.
Are basketballs
plastic or leather?
I can't seem to remember.
I'm doing the best I can!
What am I gonna do?!
Take it easy! Don't do anything!
Just don't do anything!
All right, all right, pipe down!
All you guys, beat it!
We got to re-stow our
gear here. (men groaning)
You can draw your uniforms
first thing in the morning. Out!
I don't know what
happened, Sergeant.
All right, let's get things
squared away in here.
Carter, Boyle, lend
a hand, will you?
Huh?
Oh, sure, sure.
All right, Boyle,
you start back there.
Everything out on the counter!
Wait a minute.
Why bother, Hank, if
you're leaving the Marines?
Leaving?
How am I gonna leave?
Are you kidding? I'm stuck here!
Where am I gonna find somebody
to take over for me? Where?!
Come on, on the counter!
On the ball!
Get this place straightened out!
(laughing)
Golly, Sergeant,
hardly know what to say.
I sure am sorry I let you down.
Yeah.
System just didn't work.
It's all my fault.
Now life's around here is just
gonna be miserable for you.
Yeah.
I know what you're thinking,
so just go ahead and say it.
Pyle... Yes, sir.
Have a cigar.
Wait a minute, Hank,
I'll give you a hand.
You see, Pyle, you
got to go by the book.
These jury-rig
systems never work.
It takes experience.
(door opens)
There you are, Hank.
U.S. Government check.
My whole month's
salary endorsed to you.
Nah. It was a silly bet.
We never should have made it.
Keep the check.
Never. You won
it fair and square.
It's yours.
No, no, the bet's off.
You take it.
What do you think
I am, a welsher?
I'd throw it away
before I'd take it.
Here, Pyle, you tear it
up and throw it in the trash.
Now will you take it?
Not me.
Well, I got to go
check the warehouse.
Ah, look, why don't we
forget the whole thing?
I'll keep my check,
you keep yours,
I'll take it out of you
at the card game.
If you feel that
way about it, okay.
(laughing)
Give me the check, Pyle.
The check!
Well, I don't have it, Sergeant.
What's the matter with you?
I just gave it to you.
But you just told me to
tear it up and throw it in the...
The trash?
You threw my salary
check in the trash?!
Pyle, why do you have to
listen to everything I say?!
What's with you?!
Can't you get anything right?!
But, Sergeant...
Well, come on,
help me look for it!
Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.
What a day... what a day.
What are you
complaining about, Vince?
They ask you to
do a little work?
A little work?
Two field problems,
a 20 mile hike
twice around the
obstacle course.
That's a little work?
That's murder.
Just plain murder.
Get the chaplain over to
listen to this heartbreaking story.
And what I'll never understand
is how come you make
the same dough I get.
And you're just a
Supply Sergeant. Supply!
I'm out in the hot sun
with a 60-pound pack,
and you're sitting around here
in a soft chair
counting shoelaces.
And you get paid the
same, and for what?
Supply!
Come on, get off it, Vince.
No, no, no, no.
He's absolutely right.
I shouldn't get the
same dough he does.
I should get twice what
he does. Did you hear that?
Did you hear what the
glorified haberdasher said?
I'm worth twice.
Without supply, nothing.
I'm the most important
guy in this outfit.
You ever think of that?
Aw, come on, Hank.
I'm in charge of 62 men!
Without me, 62 naked men.
So you give them a
pair of pants, big deal.
Me... I got the
real responsibility.
The life of every one of
them is in these hands.
Look, Dr. Kildare, for your job,
all you need is a can of
foot powder and a big mouth.
Hup, two, three, four!
For my job, you need brains.
You? You could be
replaced by a recording.
Do you have any idea...?
Come on, you guys!
Every night, the same argument.
For once, couldn't we have
a nice quiet game
of cards, no arguing?
Who's arguing?
You and all the
hard work you do.
Half the time, you're off
on leaves and liberties.
Well, easy enough.
There are 40 guys who
can take over for you.
Not me. I can't leave.
There ain't nobody
can take over for me.
Are you kidding? Why,
any wet-nosed recruit
could run this
two-bit country store.
Oh, why don't you stop?
Come on, gentlemen.
Cards... play, play.
Excuse me, everybody.
What do you want, Pyle.
It's Sergeant Singer.
A telegram was just
phoned into the duty hut.
You're a grandfather. Really?
Surprise! Surprise!
Surprise! How about that?
What was it, a boy or a girl?
Well, let me think, now. I
was so excited when I heard.
Your son had a daughter.
A baby girl! Congratulations!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I don't have a son.
It was my daughter
who had the baby.
Oh. Well, then your
daughter had a son.
Are you sure?
Absolutely.
If you had a son,
he had a daughter.
If you had a daughter,
she had a son.
I remember because
they was opposites.
A boy! That's even better!
Hey, what else did they
say? Everybody all right?
Just fine. And the
little feller weighed
ten pounds, born at 6:00.
Ten pounds! That's some baby!
Yeah, he's ready to
be a Marine already.
Or was it six pounds
born at 10:00?
Well, which is it, Pyle?
Well, I'm ain't exactly sure.
Like I said, I was so excited
and everything. I
gotta go call her.
Nice going, Pyle.
You got everything perfect.
Well, I was so excited.
This is the first baby
I ever reported on and
I didn't know what to do.
It's a boy! And he
was ten pounds!
(cheering)
Ten pounds, born at 0600.
You sure it wasn't 600
pounds, born at 10:00?
Hey, guess what?
They're gonna name
him after me... Henry.
Boy, that's starting
out with a handicap.
Henry Wattsworth Steincamp.
(laughing): That poor kid.
Oh, would I love
to see that kid.
I'd give anything to go.
So what's stopping you?
Oh, I can't get away. Trip
would take a whole week.
I couldn't find anybody
to take over for me.
Are you gonna
go into that again?
Come on, Hank, anybody
can handle your job.
I know, I know. You told me
that before. Well, I mean it.
You wanna see the kid so
bad, take off. What can happen?
What can happen?! In a week
the supply room
would be a shambles.
Nobody would be
able to find a thing.
"Take off," he says.
I said it before
and I'll say it again.
Any knucklehead can do your job.
Now's as good a
time as any to prove it.
I got a good mind to
take you up on that.
Then why don't
you? For how much?
You name it. Name it yourself.
A month's salary.
You're on. Good.
You're a witness, Boyle.
You heard the bet.
I say by the time I get back,
the place will be a mess.
And I say any knucklehead
can handle his job perfectly.
Right. Now, let's see.
How about that knucklehead
who delivered the telegram.
Pyle?
Yeah. Him.
That knucklehead?
You said any
knucklehead could do it.
What's the matter,
you want to back out?
What? And miss the chance
to show you up? No, it's a bet!
You're on! You're on! Good!
So, Pyle's my replacement.
Okay, I'll go get
my leave papers.
An extra month's pay...
that'll just about cover the trip.
Thanks! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
(Carter laughs mockingly)
You want me to do what?
That's right, I've been
watching you lately
and I think you're ready
for more responsibility.
That's why I picked you
out for this job myself.
That's real nice
of you, Sergeant,
but I don't know
a thing about...
Nothing to it... a man comes in,
he asks for something,
you give it to him.
That don't sound too hard.
Well, it's easy. Look,
we'll practice a little.
Now, for instance, I
come in here and I say,
"Give me, uh, give
me a pistol belt."
What do I do?
You go and get a pistol bet.
Oh.
Well, where are they?
They're on the
pistol belt shelf.
Oh... Where's that?
Pyle, why are you
making a big production
out of a simple thing?
A man comes in and
asks for a pistol belt,
you give it to him.
Is that difficult?
Now, I can't show you.
You're gonna be in charge.
You're gonna have
to find it yourself.
Now, they're somewhere in there.
All right, Sergeant.
Can you give me
a hint? No hints!
Am I getting warm?
Keep looking. You'll find them.
I got some nice buckets here.
How about one of them instead?
A pistol belt!
Right, Sergeant.
Well, it'll take
him a little while
to know where everything is.
Yeah, sure, Vince.
You can't expect him to
know everything in five minutes.
Mm-hmm. He's gotta work at it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm dead, ain't I?
A whole month's pay!
What am I gonna do?
(door opens)
Sergeant Carter?
What do you want, Hummel?
I've just completed
the platoon S-10 forms.
They need your signature.
They aren't due till
the end of the week.
What's your hurry?
Well, I thought you might
like to have them ready.
Copies are in the duty hut
and the Y-8s have been posted.
Good. Good.
I always say, "Plan your
work and work your plan."
I can't find them
pistol belts nowheres.
If you're looking
for pistol belts,
they're on the
second stack behind.
How'd you know that?
Well, I've had occasion
to requisition items.
Simple power of
observation and retention.
Thanks, Lester.
Observation and retention.
You, had experience in
supply, Hummel? Some.
It's a simple matter
of cataloguing
and keeping a
permanent inventory.
I had a course in business
administration back at school.
Really helps. Business
administration?
Are you gonna be around long?
At the Company Office, Sergeant.
I'll be over in five minutes.
They was right where
he said they was.
Smart fellow, that, Lester.
Isn't he though?
Pyle, come here a minute.
When was the last
time you had leave?
Well, let me see.
I think it was back in about...
That long, huh? I had no idea.
Well, you're way overdue.
And if you got a leave
coming, you have to take it.
It's good for you. You
know, get away for a while.
What about the
job here, Sergeant?
Well, I'll hate to lose you,
but a tense Marine
is a bad Marine.
I'll have your orders typed
up. You leave in the morning.
But, Sergeant, this
job here, you said...
Don't worry about this
job. I want you to leave.
But, Sergeant...
That's an order, Pyle!
Hey, what a break! Did
you get that, Hummel?
He's had business
administration.
He's a natural.
Yeah, but how are
you gonna get Singer
to go along with the switch?
Just leave that to me.
All set to go?
Yeah, just gonna pick up a
couple of presents at the PX.
Hey, where's our
knucklehead? He's coming?
Pyle? Oh, sure, sure.
He'll be on duty here.
Subject to military
obligations, of course.
Huh?
Say, it's a nice
day for your trip.
Sergeant, here's the
leave papers for the platoon.
You wanted to check
them? Oh, yes. Thank you.
Yes, sir. It's a
perfect day for a trip.
72 degrees right now, Sergeant.
Scheduled to go to a high of 85.
Well, what's this?
Private Pyle has gone on leave?
Who's on leave?
Pyle. You know, the
knucklehead we picked?
Well, then, he's out.
Like we said, subject
to military obligations.
Oh, that's too bad.
He would have been
the perfect goof to come
in here and prove my point.
When did this leave of his...
Well, there's nothing to do
but to try to think of another
knucklehead. Let's see this.
You're not going on
leave, are you? No, I'm...
Then you'll have to take
over. What's your name again?
My name? Hummel, Sergeant.
Hummel, Sergeant Singer's
gonna be away for a week,
and you'll just have
to try to fill in
as best you can.
Okay, Singer, we got our man.
All right. If he's the one.
Let's go! Let's get started!
Come on, Hummel!
These are the
unfilled requisitions.
Those there are...
Oh, I understand.
The M-32's and the
M-19's, for armory items.
No problems.
I presume the
regular rules of survey
apply to used times
being replaced.
That's right.
Who is he? Who?
Nobody. Just somebody
from the platoon.
A Private Himmel.
No, Hummel. Hummel. Hummel.
Come on, you better get
started. How come Pyle got leave?
Well, can I help it
somebody gives him leave?
Just my luck, the only
guy left in the place is, uh...
uh... Hummel.
Hummel, Hummel.
Okay, you better take
over. Very good, Sergeant.
There'll be no problem
of any sort whatsoever.
You know, I had that course
in Business Administration...
I know, I know!
Now, get busy!
Come on, Hank, you don't
want to miss your plane.
That, Hummel, seems, uh...
pretty sure of himself.
Well, he's not as big as
a knucklehead as Pyle.
Oh, he really would've
been the perfect one
to come in here and
prove once and for all that...
PYLE: Hey, Sergeant!
I've been looking
all over for you!
Hey, Pyle, aren't
you supposed to...
Hey, get going, Pyle,
you'll miss your bus.
I thought it all over
and I just can't leave
with you depending on me.
So if you want me to
take that supply job,
I'm just gonna do it.
Huh?
I know you was
just trying to be nice,
ordering me to go on leave,
but I can't leave you
in the lurch, so I'll do it.
Well, that's all I
wanted to tell you.
I'll see you later.
That's what we call,
dirty pool, Vince. Shame!
You started to worry,
maybe it takes a
guy with half a brain,
so you switched guys on me.
What's this Hummel,
a college boy?
Well, I can't help
it... You know what?
You want Hummel in
there? Put Hummel in there.
I don't care if you go in
there and work yourself.
Because like you said,
any knucklehead can do it.
And I still say it! And you
wanna know something?
I'm gonna put Pyle in there
to prove it once and for all!
Yeah! Any knucklehead can do it.
I say it again!
Right! Pyle it is!
Yeah, good!
Come on, open up!
(indistinct, overlapping shouts)
All right! All
right! Knock it off!
You'll get what you want!
(shouting) Shut it!
Come on, Pyle, open up! Open up!
You can't keep
them out there all day.
What are you doing anyway?
What am I going to do, Sergeant?
I was just trying to
neaten up a little bit.
Pyle, you've been in here six
days. Is the best you can do?
Just look at here, Sergeant.
I had no idea when
I started this job
it'd be so complicated.
There's all these
itsy-bitsy items.
There must be
hundreds and hundreds
and thousands and thousands
and I don't know
where... Pyle! Pyle!
Get a hold of yourself!
Now, look, Pyle...
Pyle, you're an intelligent man.
You really are.
There's nothing about this
little job you can't handle.
Well, gosh, it's just like...
well, it's just like playing
store, now, isn't it?
And that's not hard, is it?
Then see if you can get
this mess straightened out
before Sergeant Singer
comes back tomorrow, okay?
Right, Sergeant.
I just wished he was back today.
Well, there's all
these itsy-bitsy items.
There must be
hundreds and hundreds
and thousands and thousands...
Well, he's not!
Now, get this place
going and now!
You understand?! Now!
(knocking, men clamoring)
Open that door,
and let those men in!
(men clamoring)
All right! All right!
Knock it off! Hold it! Hold it!
Now, get in line,
knock off the chatter.
You'll get taken care of.
Him first. Five shelter halves.
Check. Shelter halves.
Right away.
Five shelter halves,
shelter halves, shelter halves.
You did say "shelter
halves," didn't you?
You wouldn't want to
come back tomorrow
when Sergeant
Singer's here... Pyle!
I need 'em now.
I'm already late.
We're going out on bivouac.
(men clamoring)
(men clamoring) I got to
have some C-rations, too!
I need C-rations!
(phone ringing)
Golly, the phone!
Well, where is it?!
(men clamoring, phone ringing)
Well, knock it off!
You'll get your C-rations!
Did any of you fellas
take the phone?!
(phone ringing, all shouting)
Supply! Sergeant Carter!
Oh, Vince.
Knock it off! Knock it off!
Yeah?
This is surplus-baggage
Singer calling.
What do you want, Singer?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Just wanted to know how
your boy was getting along.
Hey, what are you doing
there, Vince, helping out?
No, I ain't helping out.
And everything's
fine. Just fine.
Hey, if that's Sergeant
Singer, would you ask him
where in mercy he keeps
them shelter halves?
And I can't find hide nor
hair of them helmet liners.
And where do you
send the laundry to?
(grunting)
Hey, what is it, Vince?
Uh, no trouble, is there?
What's going on?
No, there ain't any trouble.
Why should there be any trouble?
Nobody even
knows you're missing.
What is it now?
There's a fella here about
some basketball uniforms.
I never heard
nothing about that.
Uniforms? For basketball?
Six teams, ten on each.
60 uniforms.
Ask Sergeant Singer
where they're at.
Can't you look someplace?
Hey, Carter, this
is long distance.
It's costing me dough.
Yeah, but then I
guess I can afford it,
since I'm getting your paycheck.
Don't be so sure.
You ain't back yet.
Hey, Vince, you
getting squared away
with those basketball
uniforms, those 60 uniforms?
Well, as a matter of fact, I...
Six teams, ten uniforms...
Shirts, sneakers, jackets,
all in different cartons.
I meant to tell you about it.
Was just a routine thing.
Yeah, yeah, routine.
I'll see you tomorrow afternoon.
Oh, and the baby
says, "Goo-goo," to you.
(laughing)
Dead.
I'm dead.
Did he tell you where
the uniforms are at?
You find them, Pyle!
(loud clattering)
That's your job!
But, Sergeant...
That's an order!
Sergeant... (all shouting)
Pyle?
You here, Pyle?
PYLE: Be right with you.
List of stuff being delivered
here in the morning.
More stuff?
Hey, did you happen to run
across those uniforms yet?
Tell you the truth, I can't
hardly find nothing around here.
Sure good thing Sergeant
Singer's coming back tomorrow.
Maybe good for you,
but not for Carter.
Why's that?
Because you dear old sergeant
is about to get
clobbered, but good.
What do you mean?
Look, Pyle, for
the last ten years,
Carter's been riding Singer,
telling him what a soft touch
the supply job is here, and
that anybody could handle it.
Well, Singer finally
took him up on it.
And that's why you're here.
You can see what happened.
Shazam.
I had no idea.
Carter's not only gonna
lose the month's pay he bet,
but Singer's gonna ride
him about this from now on.
He counted on me,
and I let him down.
Sure did, buddy boy.
If Sergeant Carter
depended on me,
then I just got
to deliver for him.
Yeah, how?
Well...
I got all night to
straighten things.
Could fix the
place up, couldn't I?
Maybe.
They fixed Berlin.
Well, what do you say, huh?
Come on, Hank, this
is just the first time.
Have a heart, huh?
Give me three out of five, huh?
Three out of five?
Hey, you're that bad, huh?
(laughs)
Now, ain't that awful.
I can't believe it.
CARTER: Well, I'll be.
Hey, Sergeant Singer.
Welcome back.
Place looks pretty
good, don't it?
Course it ain't the
same as it was.
I moved some of the stuff
around so as I could find it easier.
Put in my own system.
Your own system.
You made up a system?
Uh-huh.
I divided the whole
room into three parts:
animal, vegetable and mineral.
Now, that part back
there in the back...
Leather stuff, like
that... That's animal.
And the stuff that's made out
of cotton, wood and the like,
that's vegetable.
Then all the rest is
mineral... All the metal things.
And all you got to do is play
animal, vegetable and mineral?
It won't work.
Blanket, poncho and a bayonet.
Right.
Blanket: animal.
Poncho: vegetable.
Bayonet: mineral.
(door closes) It
won't work, huh?
That's beautiful, beautiful!
I knew you'd do
it, Pyle. Good boy.
You satisfied now,
Sergeant Singer?
Huh? Huh?
Animal, vegetable and mineral.
(laughing)
(door opens)
Hi-ya, Hank.
How's my pigeon?
(laughing)
Hey, come on, let's
get the game started.
It's been a long time.
What's this?
Our bet. That's the
check I owe you.
But you don't have
to pay me now.
The day ain't over yet.
You got until midnight.
(laughing)
Deal the cards, Boyle.
Boy, Hank, I've been waiting
ten years to prove this point.
Hmm.
How'd everything
go at home, Hank?
Oh, fine, fine.
That baby okay? Yeah, yeah.
You want to know something?
That trip was a
blessing in disguise.
Huh?
I mean, I found out something.
You know, it's good to know.
I don't have to feel like
I'm walking out on a job.
I can start thinking
about retirement.
What are you talking about?
My daughter has this
spare room over the garage.
I could be a big help to them.
Help them on
babysitting, things like that.
How can you go from
being a Marine one day
to a babysitter the next?
Why not?
You mean you'd
really quit the Marines?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And you know who I
have to thank for it?
You, Vince. Oh, no kidding.
You did me a great favor.
You never said anything
before about quitting.
Yeah.
What kind of talk is this?
Why not? It makes sense.
But you got a job to do here.
Oh, you guys can find
another man for the card game.
(door opens)
PYLE: Good evening, Sergeants.
Just came by to pass out
them basketball
uniforms to the fellas.
No need for you to get up.
It'll all run smooth as
silk; no need for you at all.
Yeah, yeah, get out of here.
It'll all run smooth as silk.
Go on, get out!
It's your lead, Hank.
You guys mind if, uh,
we don't play tonight?
I'm kind of beat.
Yeah, sure, sure,
anything you say.
(men clamoring)
(all shouting)
Sergeant, are sneakers
made out of cotton
and that makes them vegetable,
or them leather
patches on the side,
does that make them animal?
I know they ain't mineral,
but I've looked all over.
Are basketballs
plastic or leather?
I can't seem to remember.
I'm doing the best I can!
What am I gonna do?!
Take it easy! Don't do anything!
Just don't do anything!
All right, all right, pipe down!
All you guys, beat it!
We got to re-stow our
gear here. (men groaning)
You can draw your uniforms
first thing in the morning. Out!
I don't know what
happened, Sergeant.
All right, let's get things
squared away in here.
Carter, Boyle, lend
a hand, will you?
Huh?
Oh, sure, sure.
All right, Boyle,
you start back there.
Everything out on the counter!
Wait a minute.
Why bother, Hank, if
you're leaving the Marines?
Leaving?
How am I gonna leave?
Are you kidding? I'm stuck here!
Where am I gonna find somebody
to take over for me? Where?!
Come on, on the counter!
On the ball!
Get this place straightened out!
(laughing)
Golly, Sergeant,
hardly know what to say.
I sure am sorry I let you down.
Yeah.
System just didn't work.
It's all my fault.
Now life's around here is just
gonna be miserable for you.
Yeah.
I know what you're thinking,
so just go ahead and say it.
Pyle... Yes, sir.
Have a cigar.
Wait a minute, Hank,
I'll give you a hand.
You see, Pyle, you
got to go by the book.
These jury-rig
systems never work.
It takes experience.
(door opens)
There you are, Hank.
U.S. Government check.
My whole month's
salary endorsed to you.
Nah. It was a silly bet.
We never should have made it.
Keep the check.
Never. You won
it fair and square.
It's yours.
No, no, the bet's off.
You take it.
What do you think
I am, a welsher?
I'd throw it away
before I'd take it.
Here, Pyle, you tear it
up and throw it in the trash.
Now will you take it?
Not me.
Well, I got to go
check the warehouse.
Ah, look, why don't we
forget the whole thing?
I'll keep my check,
you keep yours,
I'll take it out of you
at the card game.
If you feel that
way about it, okay.
(laughing)
Give me the check, Pyle.
The check!
Well, I don't have it, Sergeant.
What's the matter with you?
I just gave it to you.
But you just told me to
tear it up and throw it in the...
The trash?
You threw my salary
check in the trash?!
Pyle, why do you have to
listen to everything I say?!
What's with you?!
Can't you get anything right?!
But, Sergeant...
Well, come on,
help me look for it!