Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 3 - The Blind Date - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Well... Oh, well...

Well, does she have
to tag along tonight?

Baby, I had big
plans for you and me.

You said we were
gonna be alone tonight,

just you and me alone.

Come on, baby. I haven't
seen you in a whole month.

What do you want
me to do, Vince?

Now, Eileen is an
old friend of the family.

She's staying with me
and I'm not gonna go off

and leave her by herself.

But tonight?

Tonight, of all nights?

Sorry, Vince, it's double
date or no date at all.

But it's late. Where
am I gonna find...?

Double date or no date at all.

Come on, be fair. I haven't
seen you for a whole month,

and at the last minute, you
throw me a curve like this...

Come up with a guy
for a double date...

It ain't fair. It
just ain't fair.

Double date or no date at all!

Yeah. Sure, sure,
I understand, Fred.

It is Saturday night.
It is the last minute.

Have a good time.

Uh... Look, Fred... Can
you recommend somebody?

I thought of him.

I thought of him.

I thought of him.

Him, too.

Okay, thanks.

I hate to bother you, Sergeant,
but could I have my pass?

I didn't get a chance to
pick mine up this morning.

Yeah, yeah.

There.

Thanks, Sergeant.

Hey, Slater, come here.

Yes, Sergeant?

You know, being a sergeant,

I don't ordinarily socialize

with guys of a lower
rank than me, but...

Well, I kind of like you, kid,

so I'm willing to make
an exception in your case.

You see, I have this
girl who has a friend,

a real gorgeous dish, and
I'd be happy to do you a favor

and take you along.

Real nice of you
to ask, Sergeant,

but I'm already set for tonight.

With my own girl.

Nice of you to ask, though,
Sergeant. Thank you.

Slater.

Yes, Sergeant?

Can you recommend somebody?

Well, everybody in
the barracks is gone...

except Gomer.

I left him reading a magazine.

Never. I refuse
to sink that low.

BUNNY: Sorry, Vince,

it's either double
date or no date at all.

Hiya, Sergeant.

Hiya, Pyle. What you doing?

I was just reading the real
behind-the-scenes story

of Ann Margaret.

Do you know she
hasn't had an easy life?

Yeah, uh, look, Pyle...

She's had her
trials and tribulations

just like the rest of us.

That's all very interesti...

Just to look at her up on the
screen singing and dancing,

you'd think she didn't
have a care in the world,

but she's known heartaches
and disappointments. She's...

That's all very interesting,
but will you pay attention?!

I've got something
important to ask you.

Yes, Sergeant.

Have you got a date for tonight?

No, I haven't.

Good. I've got a
big surprise for you.

How would you like to go
on a double date with me?

You want me to go
on a date with you?

That's right.

Well, that's a real
honor, Sergeant.

It really is.

And I'm proud to know that
you think enough of me to ask.

But I think I'll just go to the
movie on the base tonight.

That's how you're gonna
spend a Saturday night?

Sitting in the movies?

I don't mind.

Well, look, Pyle, I
can't let you do it.

Do what?

Sit in the movies
all by yourself.

Well, I don't mind, Sergeant.

Don't you worry about
me, I'll be just fine... honest.

Now, look, Pyle, this is your
sergeant you're talking to.

I can tell when you're
putting on an act.

I'm not putting on an... You'd
much rather go out with a girl,

but being the shy, lonely
type of fellow you are,

you don't have a
girl. I understand.

That's why it's my duty
to fix you up with a date.

But I don't want a date and
I ain't lonely. I'm very happy.

You're just saying that.
You're not really happy.

Yes, I am. No, you're
not. You're miserable.

You hear? Miserable.

I don't think so, Sergeant.

And I'm not asking you
to go, I'm ordering you.

You're ordering..?
Ordering! Ordering!

Now, you get dressed!

You're going on a
double date with me,

and you're gonna have fun!

Gomer Pyle?

What kind of a name is
that for a human being?

What's a Gomer Pyle?

Bunny, he's a very nice guy.

He's got a lot of class.

Well, that'll be the day,

when you come up
with somebody classy.

As I tell you, he's
from the South.

So he's from the South? So what?

What do you mean, so what?

Are you kidding?

Well, he comes from one
of them aristocrat families

from the South... you know,

they're loaded
with dough. Loaded.

Vince, are you putting me on?

Baby, would I lie to you?

Only when your mouth is moving.

Lover, take my word for it, this
Gomer Pyle is the real McCoy.

Anyway, who does he have to be

for this friend of
yours? Who's she?

What do you mean, who's she?

That's right. Who's she?

Well, she happens to
be something special, too.

She comes from a very
prominent family. Society.

Yeah. She's a society girl.

Society? Where do
you come to society?

Are you doubting my word?

Because if you
are, you can just...

I'm not, I'm not. Look,

I know it's gonna
work out great.

Your friend and Gomer
will have a good time

and you and me can
kind of sneak off and...

be by ourselves for a while.

(laughs suggestively)

You know what I mean?

A society girl?

And you're going
out with her, huh?

And you were
going to the movies.

Come on, come on.

Golly, Sergeant, I don't know.

What's the matter?

Well, I ain't never been
out with a society girl before.

Richest girl I was ever
out with was Elsie Tippet.

Her daddy made false
teeth over in Mt. Pilot.

Stop worrying, it'll be fine.

Come on, come on, get dressed.

Well, at least
with Elsie Tippet,

there were lots of things
we could talk about...

Gum conditions
and loose dentures,

I wouldn't know how to
act in front of a society girl.

Look, will you stop making
a big thing out of this?

It's just one evening. Now,
come on, come on, move it!

I don't know, Sergeant.

I feel out of place.

I'm just a fella
who used to work

in a filling station back home.

Pyle.

I mean, I know about
filling up tanks with gas

and adding a quart of
oil and fixing flat tires,

but what do I know
about society?

What'll we talk about?

Who says you
have to talk? Just sit.

Now, look. Come on, come
on, I want to see my girl tonight.

Just sit. Well, I
don't know, Sarge.

Pyle will you move it!?

Well, why did you have to
tell him I was a society girl?

Honey, it never hurts
to have a little buildup.

Makes you more desirable,
you know what I mean?

And anyway, this
boy you're meeting

is from one of them
rich Southern families.

I just don't like lying.

If your father's a
construction worker,

you're not exactly in society.

Okay, but for tonight just
let it be more glamorous.

It won't hurt.

Now, stop being
so nervous, will you?

I want you to have a nice time.

Golly, Sergeant, I don't know

if I'm doing the
right thing or not.

Pyle, are you starting up again?

What's with you?

You never been
out with a girl before?

Well, not with a society girl.

I just know I'm gonna
feel out of place.

What do I know about
society? (doorbell rings)

Pyle, will you knock it off?

Now, you've been
whining and complaining

ever since I
brought up this date.

I'm warning you,
if you don't quit, I...

Hiya, baby. Hi.

Hey... I just got
four words to say.

Va-va-va-voom.

You're all class, Vince.

Bunny, I'd like you to
meet my friend, Gomer Pyle.

Hi, Miss Bunny.

Hi! Come on in.

(chuckling)

Well! This is my
friend, Eileen Carson.

Eileen, this is Vince
Carter and Gomer Pyle.

Hi. Hello.

Hey, Miss Eileen.

Well, let's all sit
down, shall we?

Right over this way, Gomer.

Ooh, that is your
name, isn't it?

Gomer? I got it right, didn't I?

Yes, ma'am. Oh, well, good.

Well, now, there.

That's better.

Well, now that we
all know each other,

how about you and me going
out for a little stroll, huh, babe?

Well, what's the
matter with you?

You just walked
in through the door.

Can't we just take
a minute and talk?

Talk? Yeah, talk.

Oh.

Yeah.

Carson. Was that your name?

Yes. Eileen Carson.

Bunny tells me that you come
from a very prominent family.

Well, actually...

That's right, her father's

very big in the
building business.

Is that a fact?

Well... Yeah. You
know that Kirby building,

that 16-story job over
on Fifth and Main?

Well, her father had a lot to
do with the building of that,

didn't he, Eileen? Well, he...

You're from the South, Gomer,

are you? Yes,
ma'am, that's right.

I'm from the South.

Well, uh, what business
is your family in?

My family? Well... CARTER: Oil.

That's the business Gomer
was in back home. Oil.

Really? Oil?

Yes, ma'am. That and gas.

Gas?

Naturally. Oil and
gas go together.

Gas comes from oil.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, well, that must
be a fascinating business.

Well... Well, he worked
the pumps himself.

You did?

Yes, ma'am. Next
to working the pumps,

my biggest pleasure was
checking the dip sticks.

Dip sticks?

Yeah. That shows the oil level.

It's technical.

Honey, there's
more to this oil game

than you and I'll ever know.

But it's a wonderful
business, though,

and it's still there
waiting for him

if he ever wants to go back.

Well, now that we really
know all about each other,

How about you and me going...?

Will you relax, Vince?

I haven't even asked them
if they wanted anything.

How about you, Gomer?

Would you like something?

I'll have a lemonade,
if you please.

Well, all righty, lemonade.

How about you, Eileen?

Me, too.

Well, fine. Coming right up.

Ooh, excuse me.

I'll give you a hand.

Baby, I thought that
maybe you and me...

Oil, huh? So he's in oil.

And he's a very nice fella, too.

Well, would I bring
anyone who wasn't, huh?

Vince.

Look, baby, after
we finish our drink,

how about you and me
going for a little walk?

I'm dying to be alone with you.

Don't be silly. I can't
leave Eileen alone.

Well, she's not alone.
She's with Gomer.

Well, it's not polite.

It's a double date and
we should stick together.

Well, what for?

I did like you asked me.

I got a friend for your friend.

Let her have her own fun.

Oh, baby, we got
lots to talk about.

Vincent, will you please?

I gotta fix the drinks.

But, baby!

Open this.

Sure a nice place
Miss Bunny has here.

Yes, it is.

She seems like a
real fine person, too.

Oh, she is.

Your friend seems
very nice also.

Sergeant Carter? Oh, yeah,
he's a real wonderful human being.

Miss Bunny sure seems nice.

Oh, she is.

It's a real nice place
she's got here, too.

Yes, it is.

Here we are, kids.

Lemonade.

There you are, Gomer.

Eileen.

Looks real refreshing.

Thank you kindly, ma'am.

Hey, it's such
a beautiful night.

How about you and me
sitting outside, huh, sugar?

Well, Vince, we can't just...

Come on! It'll be nice.

Well, Gomer and Eileen
don't want us just to run off.

I know what. Let's all go
out on the porch and sit.

No!

I mean, I'm sure you and Eileen

have a lot to talk about.

Come on, honey.

(door closes)

Sure is a nice place
Miss Bunny has here.

I don't like walking
out on her that way.

It isn't nice.

Oh, believe me, she'll be fine.

Stop worrying about them
and concentrate on us.

Honey, it's been a full
month since I've seen you,

and I've had you on my mind.

PYLE: Excuse me, Sergeant.

Miss Bunny.

How do you turn
on the television?

It don't seem to come on.

You have to turn
on the wall switch.

Oh, thank you. The wall switch.

I don't know why I
didn't think of that.

(door closes)

Let's see, where were we?

I remember.

They're not having a good time.

Huh?

If they were having a good time,

they wouldn't have
turned on the television.

This means they have
nothing to talk about.

Eileen's not having a good time.

Would you stop being so nervous?

What's the matter with you?

Well, I feel
responsible for her.

She's my guest, and I want
her to have a good time.

Well, she'll have a good time.

Look, turning on the TV
set's a good ice-breaker.

They'll see some show they like

and they'll begin
to talk about it.

Believe me.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

Guess what?

There's a John Wayne movie on.

Don't you want to
come in and watch?

No! I thought you'd

be interested since it's
all about the Marines,

and I just thought
that you... Pyle!

(mutters): I thought
sure he'd be interested

about the Marine Corps.

(chuckles)

You see?

They found a movie on TV
they like and they're happy.

Everybody's happy.

I'm hungry.

You're hungry?

Right now, this minute?

Well, I'm hungry and
I'll bet Eileen is, too.

You know what we
had for lunch today?

A salad. Just a salad.

Okay. Okay.

Why don't you whip up
some knockwurst and beans

like you did the last
time I was here? What?!

That won't take...

I thought we were going out.

Out?!

Out. Yeah, out. To a restaurant.

I know they'll want
to go someplace nice.

Let's take them to
the Starbright Roof.

The Starbright Roof?

Well, yeah. Gomer and
Eileen are used to the best.

We can't just take
them to a hash house.

The Starbright Roof.

Come on, let's go tell them.

(gunfire on TV)

Come on, honey.

Vince and I have
got a great idea.

We're gonna go to dinner tonight

at the Starbright Roof
at the Drake Hotel.

Come on, let's get our things.

The Starbright Roof?

That's the most
expensive place in town.

I know, I know.

Well, how'd an idea like
that ever come up anyway?

Don't ask me.

All I know is, I wanted to
go out with my girl tonight

alone, just the two of us,
for a nice, quiet evening,

and it's turning
into a nightmare.

(explosions on TV)

Right now, I wish I was on
that beach with John Wayne.

(ballroom music playing)

Hey, Mack, is it gonna
take much longer?

I can't say, monsieur.

If you had had a reservation...

Yeah, I know, I know.

Psst.

Psst. Come here.

Well, why is it taking so long?

What do you expect?

We don't have a reservation.

Look, what about
that knockwurst?

No! No.

Slip him something.

Huh?

Slip him something.

That's what you're
supposed to do

in these kind of places.

Now, go on, go on.

What you gonna do?

Gonna slip that joker
a five to get us a table.

The girls are getting
restless and so am I.

You mean spend five
dollars just to sit down?

Shh.

Uh, fella... Monsieur?

We'd really appreciate if
you could find us something.

Nothing happened.

Not a thing happened.

Why, of all the...
Will you pipe down?

Look, Charlie, if you think
I gave you that fin just...

Ah, we are in luck.

A table just became available.

I figured it would.

All right, come on,
you wanted a table.

Some nice business
that fella's got.

Five dollars just
for shaking hands.

Pyle, will you pipe down?

And if you get up to dance,

for Pete's sake,
don't dance country.

Remember, that's a
society girl you're with.

Boy, did you see
that view, Eileen?

Isn't that something?
Oh, it's beautiful.

Would you care for
cocktails before dinner?

Well, I'd like to have...

Look, as a matter of fact,

we're all very hungry,

and we don't have a lot of time.

So could we see the menu?

Very well, monsieur.

What do you mean we
don't have a lot of time?

What's the rush?

Well, we don't want to
spend the whole evening

in a restaurant, do we?

I mean, we do want a
little time to visit, don't we?

Oh, relax, relax.

First, we're gonna eat.

Oh, Eileen, isn't
this a nice place?

Oh, yes, very.

You know, Eileen goes to
these kinds of places all the time.

How much do you generally
have to pay sit down?

What he means is... Mesdames.

Oh, thanks. Messieurs.

May I suggest some pate
de foie gras to start off with?

Or perhaps some of our
cheese tidbits auvergnois?

Or caviar? Ooh, gee, that's...

Look, whey don't we
skip all that beginning stuff

and dive right into
the main course, huh?

Good idea.

All them appetizers
and things can bloat you.

Then may I suggest the
filet de boeuf à la girondine?

It's excellent tonight.

Good, good, that boof ala...

whatever you said all around.

I was just checking
the menu for the prices.

Golly.

Yeah, well, it's a
very good restaurant.

And it cost us five
dollars just to sit.

Did you know that?

It cost us five dollars
just to sit down.

(dance music plays)

This is your big oil man?

Well, you know what they say...

The bigger they are,
the cheaper they are.

Now, you know how
he hangs on to it.

Look, why don't
we get out of here?

We ain't had a minute
alone, you and me.

We're alone.

Alone? This is alone?

I'm having fun.
I'm enjoying myself.

Besides, I don't think
Eileen's enjoying herself.

She looks bored.

Huh?

You see? She looks bored.

Come on, let's blow.

Well, maybe you're right.

Yeah, we can go home

and you and me can have
that minute alone together.

Come on.

Come on, we're going.

We are? Yeah.

Here, you drive.

Me?

You mean you want
me to drive your car?

But, Sergeant... Drive, drive.

Well, aren't we getting out?

Bunny, listen,

let's stay out here in the car

and let them go on in.

Well, Vince, we can't do that.

A minute, a minute.

Can I have a minute
alone with you?

Are you coming out, Sergeant?

No, no, close the
door. Close the door.

Pyle, listen,

Bunny and I are gonna stay
out here in the car for awhile.

Why don't you and
Eileen go on in the house

and make yourselves at home.

Well, heck sake,

we'll sit out here
with you, if you like.

No, no! In, in! In the house!

Okay, Sergeant.

Vince, we really
should go in with them.

Why? Why? Why can't I
have a minute alone with you?

A minute alone. Just
you and me alone.

Just you and me together alone.

Okay. We're alone.

Good!

Can't find nothing
on the television.

Oh, that's okay.

I didn't really want
to watch anyway.

I'm sorry I haven't
been more fun tonight.

Well, I hadn't been
much fun myself.

I guess I just ain't
used to a girl like you.

Girl like me?

You know, being
in society and all.

I'll tell you the honest truth,

I never have been out
with a society girl before.

Really?

I'd think a man like you went
out with a lot of society girls.

Oh, no, you don't get a chance
to meet many society girls

working in a filling
station way I did.

And, since I been in the
marine corps, well, I just...

Filling station?

Uh-huh, back home
where I worked.

You worked in a filling station?

That's right.

Is that what you meant
by working the pumps?

Well, yeah, what'd
you think I meant?

Well, I thought you
were an oil millionaire.

An oil millionaire?

(laughs): That's a good one.

Where'd you ever
get an idea like that?

Well, you know,
when we first met,

Bunny was saying...

Gomer, I'm not a society girl.

You ain't?

No, Bunny just made that up.

Why would she
do a thing like that?

She thought it'd make
a better impression.

Oh, isn't this embarrassing?

It sure is.

Hey, you know what?

I'll bet Sergeant Carter let
you all think I was a big oil man

just to make an impression, too.

Well, I wouldn't be surprised.

(laughing)

Oh, Gomer, I'm so glad

neither of us has any money.

Yeah, ain't we lucky?

Come on.

Shame, shame, shame!

Shame on you, Sergeant Carter,

for trying to make
out I was a big oil man.

And shame on you, Miss Bunny,

for trying to make out
Eileen was a society girl.

Wait a minute. You
mean you're not?

And you're not?

Bunny, you lied to me.

I lied? I lied?

Well, you started it first

with that fancy story about
that rich Southern family.

I lied?!

Well, that stuff about her

and high society, that
was pretty good, too, kid.

Well, if you hadn't
lied about him,

I wouldn't have lied about her.

Well, what's that
got to do with it?

Plenty, big mouth!

Who are you calling "big mouth"?

Sergeant! Sergeant!

I can tell you and Miss Bunny

would rather be alone,

so we'll just leave you alone.

(arguing loudly)

Come on, why are
we still arguing?

We were both wrong,
let's call it a draw.

What do you say, huh?

Come on... Well...

you know what we should do?

We should apologize
to Eileen and Gomer,

that's what we should do.

Well, uh...

we'll apologize when
they get back, baby.

They're gone for a walk.

When they get
back, we'll apologize.

Come on now, let's sit down.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Finally.

Sergeant Carter,
it's almost 12:00.

We got to get back to the base.

I happened to notice the
time while we was out walking

and I rushed all this
way back to tell ya.

So, it's 12:00. What do I care?

You want to go back
to the base, go back.

Me? I want to stay here.

Now, get out of here and turn
out those lights on the way out.

12:00!

I didn't know it was that late.

I gotta get some sleep.

Good night, Vince,

and thanks for a
very lovely evening.

Did you have a nice time, honey?

I'll kill him.

So help me, when I get
back to the base, I'll kill him!