Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 2 - Third Finger, Left Loaf - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Gomer, that's enough brushing.

You're coming
through the other side.

Well, I want it to be right.

Heck sakes, Duke, since
I'm gonna be best man

at that wedding tomorrow

I want to look my best.

You're wearing your
dress blues, ain't ya?

I suppose. Although black
would be more appropriate.

Black?

Black's what you
wear to funerals.

Weddings, funerals...
Tragedy is tragedy.

Oh, come on, Duke.

This is going to be
real high-spirited.

I get to carry the ring... what
with me being best man and all.

Then I give it to him
and he gives it to her

and she gets to wear it
for the rest of her born days.

But I get to carry it first
and that's a real honor.

JIM: Gomer, Gomer!

I got it! I got it! Greatest
ring you ever saw in your life!

Let's have a look. Well,
well, it just came in the mail.

Been in the family
for six generations.

You never saw anything
like it. It's beautiful.

My grandmother wore it

and my great-grandmother
before her...

She wore it at her wedding.

It's... it's got diamonds...

Did-Did I give it to you?

No.

I lost it.

I must have dropped
it on the way in.

Come on, come on,
Purcell, make up your mind.

Which way are you going?

Sorry, Sergeant. I...

I can't... When you came
in you didn't happen...?

Wait, wait.

Here it is. Here it is!

Jim's kind of got
the jitters, Sergeant.

What with his wedding
tomorrow and all.

He thought he'd lost his ring.

I don't want to hear one more
word about a ring or marriage,

not one more word,
nothing, you understand?

I've had it up to here with
you two guys and that wedding.

Two weeks now and
I've heard nothing else.

This is a Marine base, not the
little church around the corner.

Now the rest of you
knuckleheads, listen up.

We have a field lecture on
demolitions in 15 minutes.

We'll assemble at 1100.

(groans)

Golly.

Look at that thing shine.

All them sparklers... why,
that's a regular Fourth of July.

Not another one
in the world like it.

Wouldn't be a Purcell
wedding without this ring.

DUKE: You'd better
put that rock away.

We got to get moving.

Whoa, whoa, where will I put it?

Under your pillow?

Maybe in my shaving kit.

How about under the mattress?

Maybe I better just
carry it right with me.

Boy, I-I sure wish I didn't
have to go to that lecture.

Now, in clearing an enemy
field, the mine detector is used.

It can spot any
buried metal object.

The mine is then
uncovered and removed.

To give you an idea
of its destructive power

we're going to
detonate this mine.

It'll need two men
for a digging detail.

Pyle, Purcell.

Pyle, Purcell!

What is it, Sergeant?

If the national effort
can have your assistance

for a few minutes.

Grab them shovels.

Move it!

All right, good enough.

Now get back with the others.

I'll detonate the
mine electrically.

(whispers): What is it?

The ring... the ring, it's gone!

The blast will destroy anything
in the immediate area of the mine.

Gather around, men.

Come on. (gasps)

Watch close.

Ho-Hol-Hol-Hold it! Hold it!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

You can't! Please
no! What's the matter?

Hey, don't go
down there. Hold it!

Hey, come back here.

What is this?

Jim's ring, he
dropped it in the hole.

What's going on? JIM: My ring...

It must have fallen out of
my pocket while I was digging.

Well, that's tough.

Oh, please, Sergeant.

You don't know
what that ring means.

It's an heirloom.

It's priceless. It's priceless.

I mean, I couldn't get
married without that ring.

Oh, please, Sergeant, please!

Knock it off!

Okay, Pete, you
better disconnect.

All right, the rest of you
guys, come on down here

and help us look.

Make it fast.

Come on, let's move, move, move.

On your hands
and knees, let's go.

All right, let's give it up.

Oh, just a little more, Sarge?

Please, Sarge?

That's all, I said.

We've already wasted
half the morning.

We're not going to take
all day looking for a ring...

Heirloom or no
heirloom. Now let's go.

Sure am sorry, Jim.

Sergeant, it's just a
terrible thing to lose.

It's the most beautiful ring
I think I nearly ever saw.

It was real sparkl...

Well, there it is.

Hey, how about that?

I must have picked
up the wrong jacket.

It was in the pocket
the whole time.

We didn't have to do
all that digging, after all.

Ain't that a good
joke, Sergeant, ain't it?

You all set, Jim? Yeah.

What'd you do with the
ring? Got it right here.

Oh, no.

No, it... it's gone.

It's gone again.

Oh, here.

Whew! Here it is.

You sure gave me a fright.

Gomer, look, you take it.

You're the best man.
You hold it for me.

Me? Well, I wouldn't want to...

Look, I'm so mixed up, I-I
know I'll lose it someplace.

Please, you hold it.

I keep misplacing it, and
I about have heart failure

every time I go to look for it.

Please, you keep it.

Well, where will I put it?

I don't know, just put
it someplace... I got it.

The best place to keep a ring
is where it's supposed to be.

I'll keep it on my finger here.

Should fit my pinkie.

It won't fall off?

No, it's good and tight.

We should have
thought of this before.

Now tomorrow when you want it,

I'll just slip it off
and there you are.

What's the matter?

It's a might tight.

But you got to be
able to get it off.

If I had a little butter...

Come on, you guys, inspection.

Your men wearing pinkie
rings now, Sergeant?

Uh, no, sir.

You see, sir, uh...

well, it's a wedding ring.

That your wedding
ring, Private? No, sir.

I thought you told me...

Sir, it is a wedding
ring, but it ain't mine.

It's Private Purcell's.

You're wearing Private
Purcell's wedding ring?

Sir, Private Purcell
is getting married.

To him?

Oh, no, sir. He's
marrying Chrissy Parker.

She's a real nice girl.

You'd really like her, sir.

Wonderful.

Sergeant.

Sir.

I suggest you check your
men out before inspection.

I would say that man was slightly
out of uniform, wouldn't you?

Well... Unless there's
a new regulation

which I don't know about which
calls for wedding rings on pinkies.

That'll be all, Sergeant.

Aye, aye, sir.

You get that
thing off! Get it off!

I can't.

I reckon my finger's too fat.

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna work you

till you're so
thin, it drops off.

I warned you.

I have nothing against a
man and a woman of legal age

being duly joined together in
the bonds of holy matrimony.

Nothing against it at all.

But when my lecture's sabotaged,

my inspection turned
into a shambles

and the entire platoon
performance record

shot down in flames...

Pyle, are you in pain?

Yes, sir.

It pains me to hear

how the platoon performance
record got shot down in flames.

I'm sure sorry, sir.

And you are going to be sorrier.

As a little reminder that
you are both Marines

on a duty status, you
will put in a few hours

extra duty tonight
here in the bakery.

But Sergeant, tomorrow
morning's my wedding. I can't be...

Hold it. I told you,

I don't want to hear no
more about a wedding.

I don't want to hear anything about
it, see anything about it, nothing.

That word is not to be
used in my presence

in any shape, manner
or form. Is that clear?

Okay, Charlie.

Right, Vince.

They're all yours.

Okay.

You... get over and start
massaging those racks.

I like 'em nice and clean.

And you... over here.

Start working on that.

We got to get 600
loaves out by tomorrow.

Well, get in there and move
it around, move it around.

Give me plenty of wrist action.

Attaboy.

That's fine, that's beautiful.

Plenty of wrist in there.

That makes it nice
and light and fluffy.

Very good.

I'll make a doughboy
out of you yet.

(laughing)

Get it? Doughboy.

Move it, move it.

Watch those wrists.

You, keep working.

(men snoring)

Oh, boy, I'm bushed.

At least you'll be sure to
get a good night's sleep.

Yeah... yeah, that's
what I need... sleep.

One thing about working hard...

You're too tired to
remember you're nervous.

Just think... in a
few more hours

you're going to be a
married husband and all.

And to think that I'm
all part of the ceremony.

And I'll do it right, too,
you can depend on that.

I'll be right there
with the ring.

Well, where is it?

Huh? It's gone!

Where is it?!

MARINE: Knock it off.

You lost my wedding ring!

Gomer, where's the ring?!

It must be around
here someplace.

I'll get a flashlight.

But we've got to find it, Gomer.

MARINE: Knock it off, fellas.

(whispers): We got to find it.

We will.

We'll just backtrack
every step of the way.

You see anything?

Look carefully.

It's not around here anywhere.

Oh, think, Gomer, think.

When is the last
time you saw it?

Let me see now...
I had it at supper.

Then we come to
work here at the bakery.

Well, did you have it then?

Yeah.

I remember now.

Up until the time I started
working on all that dough,

you know, with the wrist action.

So it could have come off in...

Yeah, that dough
was gooey enough.

And with the butter and all.

I think I know
where your ring is.

Your wedding ring's baked into
one of them there 600 loaves of bread.

Well, I guess the
ring's lost for good now.

And after six
generations in the family.

Boy, poor Chrissy.

She's sure going
to be disappointed.

Well, maybe we can find it.

It's got to be in one of
them loaves of bread.

But there's 600
loaves, Gomer, 600.

Then we'll just have to look
through every single loaf.

Piece by piece, can't
overlook one single crumb.

(door closes)

It's just the corporal taking
sandwiches to the guardhouse.

Sandwiches.

Yeah, just... (engine starting)

Sandwiches.

Made out of bread.

Right.

Before we start on the loaves,
we better check those out.

Hey!

Hold it! Don't eat
those sandwiches!

Excuse us, Corporal
of the Guards,

but you mustn't
bite into that bread!

Excuse me. Can I see
that one? What's going on?

There was an
accident at the bakery,

and something fell
into the bread dough.

Something in the bread dough?

What? What fell in it?

Much obliged. It's not in there.

I almost ate that!

Well, what is
it? What fell in it?

It's not here either.

Are these all the
sandwiches you made?

All except for the one I
gave Lieutenant Peterson,

the officer of the day.

That might be just where it is.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Let's go!

Oh, thank you, fellers.

Enjoy your sandwiches.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Golly!

600 loaves is sure
a lot of bread, ain't it?

It sure is.

Course, we don't have
to go through all 600.

We've already
been through that'n

that they made the
sandwiches out of,

so all we got to do is 599.

Hand me the first one,
and we'll get started.

I'll cut it off here.

Now, careful. We
don't want to scratch it.

All right.

Ain't in this one.

Gomer, we'll never be able to
go through all 600 loaves like this.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.

Ain't in this loaf.

Someone's coming!

(sneezes)

Hey! What are you
guys doing here?

Get out of there!

Come on, snap it up!

What is all this?

Well, I was here
working earlier,

and I lost something, and
I come back to look for it.

What'd you lose?

The wedding ring that Jim here

is supposed to get
married with today.

(chuckles) The ring?

You lost the ring?

The ring he's
getting married with?

That's a hot one.

We figure it's somewhere
here in a loaf of bread.

You lost the ring
in a loaf of bread?

If it's all right with
you, Sergeant,

we'd kind of like
to get it back.

Sure. Go ahead.

Boy, I can see the ceremony now.

"With this bread, I thee wed."

Then he puts the loaf of
bread on her finger! Get it?

Which loaf is it in?

Well, we don't rightly know,

so we're going to have to
go through every single one.

You know, and slice 'em up.

But... but Sergeant...

The first one that lays
a finger on this bread,

I let him have it.

You want to play hide-and-seek?

Outside. Not in my bread.

Come on! Out!

Outside! Let's go!

But, Sergeant, maybe
we could just use a fork

and kind of punch
around in them.

Charley Hacker serve bread
full of puncture holes? No, sir.

16 years I been baking.

I never served no
factory seconds. No dice!

Outside! Out! Out!

But Sergeant!

This ring is kind of
special, Sergeant.

Couldn't we just
look in a few...? Out!

Hurry it up out of here!

Out!

I sure feel bad about this, Jim.

And it's all my fault, too.

Here you picked me out of all
your friends to be your best man,

and trusted me with
the ring for your beloved,

and I let you down.

It's okay, Gomer. It wa...
it was just an accident.

But there must be
something we can do.

Sergeant Carter says
that there ain't no situation

that a good Marine
can't overcome.

No, look, we've had it.

You heard that mess sergeant.

He won't let us near that bread.

He won't let us touch it.

Look, we... we'd
better just forget

all about it. Wait a minute...

Just a blessed instant.

What? Maybe there is
something we can do.

Wha... what is it?

Well, I got this idea, but
it's going to take bravery.

But how? What?

Well, first of all, we've got
to go get Sergeant Carter.

Carter?! The way he
feels about the wedding?

And you're going to wake
him up at 4:00 in the morning?

Well, that's where
the bravery comes in.

Come on. Let's go.

(door closes faintly)

(snoring)

Sergeant?

Sergeant?

Couldn't be.

Sergeant Carter?

Pyle, for your sake, I hope
this is all just a very bad dream.

It ain't no dream. It's me.

You see, we lost
the ring again...

Pyle, what is this
overwhelming urge

you have for self-destruction?

I got this idea... And
I got an idea, too!

It's what to do with nitwits
who wake up their sergeant

in the middle of the night!

I'll give you the
details tomorrow

but, for now, get out of here!

But, Sergeant, a fellow
Marine's in trouble,

and you're the only
one that can help.

And I know you'll help
because you're his only hope.

Never mind, Gomer.

Sorry we bothered you, Sergeant.

But Jimmy how can you
get married tomorrow?

I... I don't know.

Maybe-Maybe they're
trying to tell me something.

Maybe it's a bad sign.

I don't know. All I know
is, when I tell Chrissy,

she's going to probably want
to call off the wedding anyway.

You know how
superstitious brides are.

You mean call off the wedding?

Well, everything's
going against it.

Everything. It's too much!

The Sergeant's right. Why should
he have to be bothered with all of this?

It's not his problem.

Why should he have to help out?

Forget it. Nothing says
I have to get married.

Sorry, Sergeant.

Get off this bed!

Marry, don't marry.
That's your problem.

Mine's getting some shut-eye.

Now, get out of here
or I throw you in the brig!

But, Sergeant, you could...

Out! Out! You want the
brig?! Out! Get out of here!

Out, get out, out,
out, out, out, out, out!

(sighs)

♪ ♪

Pyle! Purcell!

All right, all right.

What was this
brilliant idea of yours?

♪ ♪

And the wedding is this morning?

Yes, sir, Colonel. At 1000.

Interesting situation.

How much time till
mess call, Sergeant?

55 minutes, sir.

It'll be close. Very well.

I'll issue the
necessary instructions.

Hold up on the
bread, Charley! Huh?

We got to check it
for that missing ring.

Nobody hacks up my bread!

You want to find prizes, buy
yourself some Crackerjack.

Orders from the top, Charley.

The Colonel wants
that ring found.

CHARLEY: The
Colonel ordered my bread

ripped up for a tin ring?

Relax. Nobody's
going to rip it up.

We're going to find it
with a mine detector.

All right, men, in here!

All right, let's spread
out the bread, huh?

Okay, start right here.

He should have found it by now.

That's the way it always is
when you lose something.

You never do find it till
the very last place you look.

I don't know why that is,
but that's the way it always is.

Well, are you sure you
had it here in the bakery?

Now, don't you worry.

Wouldn't surprise me none

if it wasn't in loaf number
600... the very last one.

It is in the last one!

It's in this one!

Better make sure.

But it's just got
to be, Sergeant.

If it ain't in any
of the others,

and this is the last
one, why, it's just...

It ain't?

Well, then, where...?

All right, secure the gear.

I'm sorry, Jim.

(crackling)

Hey, I got something
here, Sarge!

What have you got in that
pocket? Keys? Change?

No. In this pocket, I
just keep my hanky.

Don't know why that gadget
should buzz around my hanky.

(clatters)

Shazam!

Well, how do you do?

Now I remember.

My hands got all
gooey in that dough,

and I wiped them
off on my hanky.

That must have been
when the ring come loose.

The ring was in my pocket
the whole time, Sergeant!

Wasn't no need to wake
you and the Colonel after all!

How about that?!

That's a good joke.
Ain't that a good joke?

Here you are, Vince.

Be my guest.

Do you, James
Purcell, take this woman,

Christine Parker, to be
your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And do you, Christine Parker,

take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

The ring, please.

(whispers): Let's have it.

It'll be just a sec.

Come on, Gomer.

Come on, Gomer.

I'll have it off in a jiffy.

You wouldn't have any
butter, would you, Chaplain?