Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 1 - PFC Gomer Pyle - full transcript

Carter wants his men to pass a promotion test.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

"You gotta see this
place to believe it, Vince.

"When I'm not working,
it's all sandy white beaches,

"a party here and there,

"sailing, surfing and
beautiful hula girls.

Now I know why they
put the 'lulu' in 'Honolulu.'"


That's cute.

Sounds like he's got it made.

Yeah, leave it to my
old pal Nick Hollernrake

to always get stationed
in the best places.

"I told all the gals
here about you, Vince,

"and I've already got a
long, cool tropical drink

"sitting here in the
shell of a pineapple

with a gardenia floating on
top just waiting for you." Hmm?

"If you can steal any
time, don't miss out on this.

"It's once in a lifetime.

"I got a house right on the
beach with plenty of room,

so come on down!"

That's great, Sarge. You going?

Am I going? Am I going?

Man, I got ten days
accumulated leave saved up.

Ten whole days I been hoarding

just waiting for the
right opportunity.

And brother, this is it.

"Am I going?" he asks.

And would you like to know how?

How? Well,

we got marine jets winging
out of here every day,

and some of them
go straight to Honolulu.

And who do you think
is gonna hop a ride

on one of them little jet jobs?

Hey, that's great, Sarge!

You got nothing
to keep you here.

I mean, there's
nothing coming up.

You're in the clear.

Good. Just this.

Yeah? What's that?

Memo came through this morning

about the test for PFC.

Six of our men
haven't taken it yet.


Those meatballs, in the marines

for over a year
and still privates.

Well, I want a whole
platoon of PFCs.

In fact, I want a
whole platoon of PFCs

before I go to Honolulu.

When are they giving that test?

Tomorrow. Good.

It'll make a nice going-away
present for me, all PFCs.

I don't know.

What do you mean?


Wouldn't you know it?

Wouldn't you know that lunkhead
would be one of the last ones

to make PFC?
Wouldn't you just know it!

Boy, this stings me!
It really stings me!

Sarge, a minute ago
you were happy as a lark

talking about your trip.

Why let something
like this spoil it?

Well, it's important.

I mean, think back to

what you were
talking about: Hawaii,

the sandy white
beaches, the hula girls,

the tropical drink...

Yeah, with a gardenia
floating around on top.

That's right!

You're right. You're right!

This is a golden
opportunity to go to Honolulu,

and I'm not gonna
let them foul it up.

Believe me, I'm not gonna.

I'm just gonna walk over
and talk to them real calm-like.

Calm and easy, easy and calm.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

That six of ya, the last six!

Now everybody else in
this platoon has made PFC

except you six meatballs.

Now what is it with you?! Well?

What about you, Lipton?
What's your excuse?

I don't have one.

That's no excuse!

Would you like to hear
my excuse, Sergeant? No!

I got one... I don't
want to hear it!

It might explain why...

Pyle, I said I didn't
want to hear you excuse!

Is that clear?!
Yes, it is, Sergeant.

See, it's just that
as long as you was

expecting an excuse
from Private Lipton,

and he didn't have one,
I thought I'd tell you mine

so's you wouldn't be
disappointed. Knock it off!

Now all of you, listen up.

That test is being
given tomorrow,

so get on the stick.

Remember it's for
your good, not mine.

But I want all PFCs in
this platoon, is that clear?!

ALL: Aye, aye, sir.

(singsongy): I can't hear you!

Aye, aye, sir!

All right, you take that
test and you make it!

I don't want to hear it.

(all murmuring)

Never did get to
tell him my excuse.

What is your excuse, Gome?

Well, it's just that
I wish I didn't have

to take that test.

Why? It's not hard.

That ain't what I'm afraid of.

Then what?

Well, maybe it won't
make too much sense.

Well, what is it?

Well, the fact is, I couldn't be
no happier than I am right now.

To tell you the truth,

I like things just
the way they are.

Huh? Remember back in boot camp,

Sergeant Carter told us that

the private is the backbone
of the Marine Corps?

Well, fact is, I like
being the backbone.

And another thing.

I wouldn't want people to
think that I'm getting uppity,

and that's just what the
folks back home might think

if I got me a stripe on my
arm, that I'm getting uppity.

Oh, now you're putting me on.

No, I ain't, Duke, honest.

So you see, I'm better
off being a private

'cause I'm a whole lot
better at followership

than I am at leadership.

Gomer... So you see,

I don't care a whole lot

about being a
private first class

is what it boils down to.

Well, Gomer, you
should. Take the test.

Well, I'll take
the test all right,

but I know how I am, Duke.

If I ain't interested
in something,

I just can't concentrate.

That's how I am.

I just can't concentrate
if I ain't interested.

(mechanical whirring)

(intermittent whirring)

(insect buzzing)

(makes explosion sound)

Hey, read 'em and weep, pal!

Read 'em and weep!

"Sergeant Vincent J. Carter,
Marine jet X-22007 nonstop,

destination: Honolulu."

Aloha and ta-ta.

(humming hula music)

Great, Sarge.

Four days from today

I'll be wearing a garland
of flowers around my neck,

and will I be thinking of you?

No, I will not.

Nothing personal.

What's in there?

Do you want to see

what the well-dressed
sergeant wears

on the beach in Hawaii, huh?

Well, what do you think?

One thing's sure,
you won't get lost.

Can I help it if
you got no taste?

Uh, what's the news
on the PFC test?

Results come in yet?

Didn't you hear me?

Did you get the
results on the PFC test?

Yeah, I heard ya.


Look, Sarge, you're not gonna

let this spoil your trip now...?

Come on! Come on!

Naturally, I could
have told you.

You didn't have to tell me.

I could have told you.

Pyle is the only one
that didn't make it!

Sarge, that's five out of six.

That's good. That is not good!

I want six out of six,

that's what I'm gonna get.

Six out of six!

"Adams, Calarusso, Dunkin,

Lipton, Pyle, Rigsby."

All of you fall in
right in front of me.

I just got the
results of the test

you all took for PFC.

The following men made it...

Oh, wait a minute.

Why should I waste all that
breath reading off the names

of those who made it.

It'll be much easier

just to read the names
of the those who didn't.

The following men did
not pass the test for PFC.


That is the whole list of all
the men who did not make it.

All the rest of you
earned your stripe.

All right, everybody
except Pyle fall out!

Pyle, remember the other day

when you said you had a reason

for not wanting
to take the test,

and I didn't want
to listen, remember?

Yes, Sergeant.

Well, now I happen to
have a little extra time.

I'm ready to hear your excuse
for taking the test and failing.

Let's hear it.

I'm waiting.

How did you fail
that test? How?!

I couldn't help it, Sergeant.

All the time I was
taking the test,

my mind just kept wandering.

Wandering? How
far could it wander

in that vacant lot?!

It's like I told you...

Where was your head, Pyle?

Where was your head?

Well, like I said, my
mind just kept wandering.

I kept thinking about
all the happy times

I've had as a private.

Huh? I just couldn't stop
thinking about the time

that you told us
that the private

was the backbone
of the Marine Corps.

That's correct.

I'm still waiting
for your excuse.

How did you fail?

I'm leading up to it.

All right, lead!

Well, it's like this.

If I pass the test for PFC,

then they might want
me to take the test

for corporal, and then sergeant

And I'm just happy like I am.


The fact is, I guess I
just plain ain't interested.

You ain't interested?

I reckon not.


Well, I reckon we'll just
have to get you interested.

In fact, we'll just have

to get everybody here interested

in getting you interested.

All right, everybody, over here!

Now, here's the story.

Pyle is the only one
who hasn't made PFC.

I want a hundred
percent PFC platoon,

and you are going to
help me to get it. How?

There's another PFC
test being given tomorrow,

and Pyle here's
going to take it.

Now, this is an order.

You are all taking a
two-hour shift tonight

right around the
clock helping Pyle

bone up for that test tomorrow.

When he walks in
there in the morning,

I want his head so full, it'll
be coming out of his ears.

You see, I think I
know the reason

for his failing that test.

One word: stupidness.

So, you are going to help
him get over his stupidness.

Is that clear?

ALL: Aye, aye, sir.

Is it clear to you, Pyle?

Yes, Sergeant.

I must be crazy

to stick around here
and let you drive me nuts.

I don't know why
I do it, but I do.

Every day it's
something different.

Now go away. Stupid! Stupid!

The same thing over
and over and over!

I got it!

Hey, Garson, Garson.


Garson, I got the part
about assembling the .45.

Oh, that's wonderful.

What time is it?


I'm not getting
paid for overtime.

2:00 to 4:00 is Slater's shift.

Where is he?

I was just coming for you.

The patient is
all yours, Doctor.

I've heard of night school,
but this is ridiculous.

Hey, Duke. Hey, Gomer.

Sure nice of you fellas

to help me out like
this, you know that?

Yeah, I know that.

You're a good friend,
Duke, a real good friend.

But we don't have too much time.

You sleepy?

No, I'm wide awake, I really am.

See? My eyes ain't
even bloodshot yet.

I ain't the least bit tired.


If you feel yourself
getting sleepy,

just throw some cold
water on your face.

Main thing is to stay awake.

I'm fine.

Okay, good, let's go.


All right, men, your examination
books are there on your desks,

but I don't want you to
open them until I tell you to.

Now, you've got one hour...

60 minutes... To
complete this test.

If any of you finish early,

hand in your books and
leave the room quietly because

other men around you
may be still working.

Remember, no talking.
The word is quiet.

Okay, everybody ready?


(Gomer snoring)

I guess you heard
what happened to Pyle

at the PFC test.


Yeah, I guess you did.

Fell asleep,

right in the middle of
a test, he fell asleep.

That yo-yo!

Well, let me tell you something.

I'm not going to
let him spoil my trip.

I'm going to Hawaii and
I'm going to have fun.

Do you hear me?! Fun, fun, fun!

I'm going to enjoy!

Sarge, but aren't you
packing kind of early?

I'm in a hurry.

When Friday morning
gets here, I go.

The sooner I get away from Pyle,

the happier I'll be!

I've got to get this pressed

and pick up some
stuff from the PX.

You got my travel
orders typed up yet?

I was gonna do it
this morning, Sarge.

Well, get moving.

I want them on
the Colonel's desk

ready for his
signature right away!

Okay, Sarge.

Fell asleep. He fell asleep!


Hey, Corporal.

Well, look who's
here, Sleeping Beauty.

Is Sergeant Carter around?

Look, Pyle, I
wouldn't go looking

for Sergeant
Carter if I were you.

Guess he is pretty
sore at me, huh?

You pulled some
beauts in the past, Pyle,

but this one tops them all.

I know. That's the
reason I'm here.

I wanted to apologize
to Sergeant Carter.

Well, he won't be
back for a while.

Oh? Do you mind
if I wait for him?

Wait for him.

Thank you.

Hey, Corporal, did
somebody just ship in?


I just seen that bag
on the bunk over there

and I wondered if
somebody was coming in.

No one's coming in,
Pyle; someone's going out;

Sergeant Carter,
if you must know.

Sergeant Carter? Right.

Where's he going? Honolulu.

You mean he's leaving?

That's right, Pyle.

You can't go to
Honolulu without leaving.

It's all set, it's official?

It will be if I ever get
these orders typed

and signed by the Colonel.

Effective 9:00 a.m.
Friday morning...

Golly, when did
all this take place?

Look, Pyle, will you
quit pestering me?!

Now I know why Carter
wants to get away from you!


You ought to wear
sunglasses all the time.

You look kind of glamorous.

Aw... Oh, are you glamorous?

Vince, you're a
glamorous animal.

Aw, come on.

(laughs giddily)

Look, the sun gets
pretty strong in Hawaii.

You got any with darker glass?


Ah, how do you like them?

It's not bad, not...
Hey, Sergeant!

These the darkest you got?

Sergeant, could I
speak to you a minute?

At 1:30 in the afternoon?

Isn't it way past your bedtime?

I know you're sore
at me, Sergeant.

You got a perfect right to be.

But I just wanted you
to know that I'm sorry.

Good, now beat it.

I'm busy. I've got some
things to take care of.

That's because you're
gonna leave, huh?

That's right, I'm leaving.

How did you know?

Corporal told me.

Sergeant, why are you leaving?

You want to know
why? I'll tell ya.

To get away from a
certain meatball, that's why.

That's what I thought.

You mean me, don't you?

Do you know any other
meatballs, Private Pyle?

And all because I
didn't pass that test,

and I didn't make PFC.

Sergeant, I feel just awful.

Just because I failed that test,

that's the only
reason you're leaving?

I mean, if I passed the
test, you wouldn't go?

Pyle, if you passed the
test, why would I want to go?

There'd be such a
celebration, a banquet, parties,

I'd be crazy to leave.

Wild horses couldn't
drag me away.

But you didn't pass
the test, so I am going.

Now, if you don't mind, I
have some packing to do.

Shirley, I'll take these glasses

and, uh, some razor blades,

some toothpaste,
some aftershave...

Let me understand.

You want to take
this test again.

Is that right, Private?

That's right, sir.

According to this report,

you failed it twice
within a week.

Yes, sir, I know.

I can't imagine why you
should have so much trouble.

I should think the
second time you took it,

you should have been able

to pass it with
your eyes closed.

Oh, no, sir, that don't work.

Well, we want to see our
men try to advance themselves,

so it shouldn't be too difficult

to arrange another test for you.

We'll notify you,
probably in about a month.

A month? Oh, no,
sir, not a month.

I can't wait that long.

I got to take the test tomorrow.

That is with the
Lieutenant's permission, sir.

What's the rush, Private?

You think you're gonna
get the same questions

you had yesterday? Oh, no.

We keep changing
the test, you know?

The next one you get
will be entirely different.

I don't care. I'll take 'em all,

but I just got to
take it tomorrow.

Well, this is a bit irregular.

Please, it's very important.

Please, sir?

There's a group from
"A" company scheduled

to take the test tomorrow.

You can sit with them.

Thank you.

I really appreciate it, sir.

I really appreciate it.

All right, men, time's up.

Everyone stop writing.

Check to see if your
name's clearly written

on all your papers.

Leave them there on your desk,
return to your company area.

Just a minute, Pyle.

I want to talk to you.

Yes, sir.

How do you think you did, Pyle?

Oh, I'm sure I passed.

I think I made a
hundred percent.

Oh, I'm sure you did, too.

All right, come on.
Let's have it. Huh?

The piece of paper you've
got hidden in your pocket;

your cheat notes.

My what?

You know what I mean.

The little special something
you've got in your pocket

that helped you get
that hundred percent.

You mean this?

It's really not a very
good picture of him.

Sergeant Carter?

This is what helped
you pass your test?

He's the reason I got interested

in taking the test
and passing it.

Well, all set, Sarge?

You said it.

In 45 minutes, I'll be
on my way to paradise.

Now, remember,
for the next ten days,

you're in charge of the platoon.

Keep 'em on the ball.

You can count on me.

Good. Well, I
guess that's about it.

My travel orders, you got them?

Huh? I don't have them.

What do you mean
you don't have them?

You said the Colonel
sent them over

yesterday all signed.

He did. I put them
right there on the desk.

I though you took them.


Look in the back!

Go through the
lockers, everywhere!

Hey, Sergeant!

Cleaning up your desk?

That's a real good habit.

Wally at the filling station
back home used to say

"If you keep your
desk nice and clean,

you'd never misplace anything."

A place for everything
and everything in its place.

He was right, don't
you think so, Sergeant?

I'm not interested, Pyle.

Whatever you got on your
mind, I'm not interested.

It ain't what I got on my mind,
it's what I got on my sleeve.


You made PFC?

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Lieutenant gave me
special permission

to take the test
over again yesterday,

and guess what, I passed!

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

I not only passed, Sergeant,

but I made a hundred percent.

Yeah, yeah, congratulations.

But the best part of it is,
now you won't have to leave.

Huh? Yeah, yeah.

That's what you said, remember?

If I made PFC, you
wouldn't have to leave.


I didn't want to see you
transfer out to Hawaiier.

Transfer? What are
you talking about?

Weren't you going to
transfer to Hawaiier?

No, Pyle. I don't know

where you get your information.

I wasn't asking for a transfer.

I'm going to Hawaii on
a furlough, a vacation.

Vacation? Yeah.

You was going on a vacation?

Yes, as soon as I
find my travel orders.

My travel orders are missing!

Have you found them yet?!

TOMMY: I don't
see them. Sergeant...

Not now, Pyle!
Well, keep looking!

They got to be there someplace!

But Sergeant...
Don't bother me, Pyle!

I got a plane to catch!

Not anymore.

Where are you
looking back there?!

Did you look under that...?

I haven't got a plane to catch?

See, I thought you
was leaving for good

'cause I couldn't make PFC,

and in the PX, you
said if I did make PFC,

then you didn't have to go.


So I come by here earlier

to tell you that I'd
passed the test,

and I'd seen your travel
orders on the desk there.


So I took them to the Colonel

and told him you
didn't want them.

I'd go right back over
there and get them,

except he tore them up
while I was standing there

in little bitty pieces.

So it was just a
little old vacation.

You wasn't going
to transfer out at all.

But what difference
as long as I made PFC?

Ain't that right, Sergeant?

And I did make PFC.

Hold me. Hold me! Hold me!

You are surprised, I can tell.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

(jet engine roars overhead)

Boy, them jets sure do go fast,

don't they, Sergeant?


(jet engine roars overhead)

Hey, there goes another one.

You know sometimes

I just like to look
up at them planes

and guess where they're going.

Do you ever do that, Sergeant?

Just look up there

and try to guess
where they're going?

Well, I bet they're
going to different places

all over the world.


Now there's what I
call a clean window.

Must be this new
cleaning rag I got.

It's really a shirt.

It sure does clean good, though.

You know where I found it?

In the garbage?

That's right. How'd you know?

I guessed.

Well, to be perfectly honest,

I can't blame anybody
for throwing it out.

Now, where in the world

would anybody
wear a shirt like this?

I wouldn't know,
Pyle. I wouldn't know.

(jet engine roaring)