Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 4 - Home on the Range - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

(truck backfiring)

(truck backfiring and puttering)

Hey, there.

Are you having trouble?

That wasn't Fourth of
July firecrackers you heard.

Maybe I can help.

I used to work in a
fillin' station back home.

Well, thanks.

I think the old girl's
just about had it.



She's been givin' us
trouble all along the line.

Spent every cent we had on her.

Since I'm here, might
as well take a look.

Can't hurt nothing.

Well, what will
they think of next?

Shazam!

You sure got a mess
of trouble in there.

How far'd you
drive with it like this?

Well, it's wasn't easy,

but we made it all the
way from North Carolina.

North Carolina?!

Hey, that's where I'm from.

It's a little bitty town
called Mayberry.

About 40 miles from Raleigh.



Did you ever hear
of it? Well, sure.

You did?

'Course, everybody's
heard of Raleigh.

It's the state capital.

No, I meant Mayberry.

Oh, Mayberry!

Did you ever hear of it?

No, never heard of it.

Where you from?

A little town, south
part of the state,

called Dunkin's Pond.

Dunkin's Pond?

Don't worry.

Nobody ever heard of it.

That's the trouble.

Heard there was real
opportunity out west,

so I figured maybe start fresh,

you know, at up-and-coming
town in Oregon.

It's supposed to be real nice.

Well, it's real nice
here in California, too.

Hey, I forgot to
introduce myself.

My name's Gomer Pyle. Oh.

Harper Caldwell. Uh, Lottie!

I want you to meet my family.

Uh, this is my wife, Lottie.

And, uh... Ma'am. How do?

This is our daughter
Laura Mae and this is Jud.

Hi. Hi, Jud.

Mother, looks like we may
have to settle in California.

Sure would be a
shame to come this far

and not be able to make
it all the way to Oregon.

Well, I thought the jalopy
would make it up to there.

That's all we wanted was
just to make it up to there.

Well, I think I can fix
it temporary for you.

If you'll stay over tonight,

I'll try and fix it up
permanent for you tomorrow.

Well, you think you can?

Well, to be honest with you,

I don't think I can fix
it permanent enough

for you to get all
the way to Oregon.

But, like I said,

if you stay
overnight, I'll sure try.

Oh, we'd, we'd sure
appreciate that, Gomer.

I guess we'll have to sleep in
the truck again tonight, Mother.

Sleep in the truck?

Well, we don't have much choice.

Well, you can't do that.

It gets cold out here at night.

Much too cold for the
kids to stay outside.

Hey, there's an old
supply shack on the base.

It's hardly ever used.

I don't think anybody would care

if you stayed there one night.

HARPER: We were so
lucky to meet you, Gomer.

Did you hear that, Mother?

Well, like I said,
it's just for one night.

And now you gotta promise
not to touch anything.

Oh, we promise, Gomer.

You hear that, Jud?

Well, let me try

and fix it up
temporary for you here,

and we'll be on our way.

First of all, I'm going to
need something rubbery

to make a fan belt.

You know, something
that'll stretch.

See, I told you your
suspenders would work.

(giggling)

(truck puttering)

Come on, kids. This is it.

See, I told ya. It's
hardly ever used.

I don't think anybody will care.

Come on.

Don't worry.

It's going to be all right.

Go in here and make
yourselves comfortable.

And I'll be back later on.

Thanks, Gomer.

Yeah, thanks, Gomer.

We're, we're obliged.

Aw, forget it.

You're sure it's
all right? I'm sure.

I'll see ya after a while.

These war maneuvers
are very important.

Get that straight.

Very important.

So, I want every man on his
toes every minute of the day.

Now, I don't want
to make you nervous,

but these maneuvers are going

to be completely
covered by the press,

and that means...
Golly, Sergeant,

you mean we might get
our picture in the paper?

Pyle.

I better get a haircut.

Do you think it needs
cutting back there?

Pyle! Knock it off!

I'll make sure

they photograph your good side.

You just make sure you
do what you're supposed to.

Right, Sergeant.

Now, remember,

with all these people
from the press here,

it's gonna be just
like having the eyes

of the whole country on us.

I think you could use
a little trim there, Duke.

Knock it off!

Pyle... and this
goes for all of you,

but especially you!

If there's one foul-up tomorrow,

just one foul-up,

well, take my word for
it, there better not be.

Any questions?

What, Pyle?

Since you said newspapers
was gonna be here,

I just wonder if
you knew if a fella

from the Mayberry
Gazette was gonna be here?

Let's get that rear
area policed up.

Move, move, move, move, move!

Psst! Gomer.

Hey... Gomer.

Hey, Mr. Harper.

I told you to wait
in the supply shack

till I got there.
Well, I couldn't.

That officer fella
come and threw us out.

Oh, my... What are
we gonna do now?

Well...

You wait for me
over at the bus stop

and I'll be by later on.

And don't worry. I'll
think of something.

You'll all be real safe in here.

Honest.

I like that place they
threw us out of better.

You'd be surprised how
much room there is inside here.

You'll all fit just fine.

Come on. I'll show you.

Where's the door?

Oh, it ain't got a door.

You have to go in
through the turret. Oh.

See how easy it is?

Let me have 'em, one at a time.

Here we go, son.

All the way.

Thanks, Gomer.

We're obliged.

You just make
yourselves at home,

and I'll be back
just soon as I can.

Now, you're sure it's all right?

I'm sure.

Well, that's good news.

Some news, huh?

No passes tonight.

You like that?

But, Duke, we got
maneuvers tomorrow.

So what, Gomer? That's tomorrow.

You could do with
a good night's sleep.

You're starting to
get them dark circles

under your eyes again.

But I sure had a lot
of fun getting 'em, pal.

Hey, I heard the
platoon that does best

in the war maneuvers
gets a week's liberty.

Shazam!

I was hoping that would happen.

A week's liberty.

That's from the
movie Fat Chance!

Well, that's what I heard.

Where'd you hear
it? Larry told me.

Is that right,
Larry? I guess so.

Burt told me.

Who told you, Burt? Eddie.

Is that true, Eddie?

I don't know. Marty told me.

Where'd you hear it,
Marty? Charlie told me.

Is that on the level, Charlie?

I guess so. Gomer told me.

Who told you, Gomer?

Nobody.

I just said it 'cause I was
hoping it would happen.

(all sigh)

HARPER: Psst!

Psst! Gomer.

Mr. Harper. You
ought not be here.

Well, I'm sorry, Gomer.

But that officer fella come
back and threw us out again.

I've been looking all
over the place for you.

You have? Well, yeah.

I've got to be honest with you.

Gomer, the other
folks around here

ain't friendly like you are.

Some of them are just
downright unfriendly.

All right, let's have your
attention for a minute.

Come on. Let's listen up!

That's one of the unfriendly
ones I was telling you about.

That includes you too, Pyle.

Won't you join us?

Sure, Sergeant.

Okay.

Now, here's how we're
shaping up for tomorrow.

These are the
special assignments.

Felsher and Perkins,
you're on the walkie-talkie.

Dooley and Perry,
you're on the mortar.

Slater and Pyle,
you're on the bazooka.

Me, Sergeant?

On the bazooka?

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Well, at least all those years

of possum-hunting made
you useful for something.

At least you got a good aim.

Just make sure it's
perfect tomorrow.

Oh, I can work that
bazooka sight real good.

First, you just look
through that little gizmo,

and then you turn...
Just do it! Do it!

And one knucklehead
move tomorrow

and your name is mud with me.

And that goes for all of you!

Now, sack out early, and
be on your toes tomorrow.

Oh, uh, by the way...

if you give it all
you got tomorrow,

you'll be doing
yourselves a big favor.

I just heard from someone

who heard it from a
very reliable source

that the best platoon is
gonna get a week's liberty.

Mr. Harper?

Golly, I feel just terrible

about you being
chased out like that.

I don't mind about myself,

but the kids are getting
a little tired and cranky.

Aw, bless their hearts.

Them poor little young'uns.

I just got to get them
a roof over their heads.

There ought to be some place.

I'll be right out.

I think I know a place.

Well, come on in.

Hey, look.

Why, this will do
just fine, Gomer.

All it needs is a
good sweeping up.

Well, now, why in the
world would anybody go off

and leave a place like this?

Looks like they couldn't
take everything with them.

But, like I said, it's just
an abandoned shack is all.

Gee, Gomer, this is the
nicest place we've had yet.

It sure is.

Hey, Pa, can I sleep
up here, please?

Sure, son.

Lottie, look at that, will you?

We got chairs. Look.

Got a table, we got a fireplace.

Beds.

Oh, this is a real home.

Oh, thank you, Gomer.

I can't tell you how
much we appreciate this.

Gomer, you really
done us a good turn.

A real good turn.
We won't forget it.

Oh, it wasn't nothing.

Now, if I can
just fix your truck.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

You might have to stay
here a couple of days.

That's just fine.

See, I got war
maneuvers tomorrow,

so I probably won't
have a chance

to try to fix the
truck till the next day.

What's one more day?

I just hope nobody comes
and tries to throw us outta here.

Oh, don't worry.

I should've thought
of this place right off.

Nobody'll bother you here.

Gomer, we were so
lucky to meet up with you.

If we hadn't, we'd sure
been in a mess of trouble.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow
right after war maneuvers.

You all get a
good night's sleep.

I'm sure we'll sleep real
good tonight, Gomer.

And, I'll sleep a whole
lot better, too, now,

knowing you're safe.

Oh, Gomer? Huh?

Now, you're sure this
time it's really all right?

I'm sure.

Well, I'll see you.

Hey, Ma, I found some real
nifty firewood right outside.

Good boy.

Set it over at the fireplace.

(hammering)

Well, it ain't no castle,

but it's sure better than
sleeping in the truck.

Oh, I think our luck's
beginning to change.

Meeting Gomer was a sign.

I can feel it in my bones.

Ain't he a fine boy?

You know, if it wasn't for him,

we wouldn't have no
roof over our heads.

Golly, it sure is pretty.

Oh... and so peaceful and quiet.

What do you think, Harper?

Do you think Oregon
will be as nice?

Well, I don't know.

It'd sure be mighty
hard to beat that view.

You nervous, Gomer?

Why should I be nervous?

Well, with the big brass
and reporters out there,

and you firing a bazooka.

Doesn't that make you nervous?

Shoot, sighting's easy.

All you gotta do is look
through this little gizmo,

then turn this thingamajig
here, and then you...

Gomer, don't use all that
technical language on me.

Platoon standing by
and ready for action, sir.

As you were, Sergeant.

Well, gentlemen, the
next demonstration

you are about to see is of
an entirely different nature:

the assault and destruction of an
enemy communications outpost.

The target is that shack
down there in the valley.

Our objective: to destroy
it swiftly and completely.

And we can do it with
a platoon equipped

with only a bazooka
and small arms.

You may commence
the attack, Sergeant.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hey, Sergeant, I bet I
know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna tell me to
start sighting the target.

I just love it when you tell me

to start sighting the target.

Pyle, you'll wait till
I give you the order.

Right, I won't do a thing

till you tell me to start
sighting the target.

You are gonna tell me to
sight the target, ain't you?

Pyle, when I'm good
and ready, I'll tell you.

Right.

All right, sight the target.

See?

I knew you was gonna
tell me to sight the target.

Sight it! Sight it!

Get on that shack over there!

Are you on target, Pyle?

Huh?

Are you on target?

What are you waiting for?!

Uh...

Sergeant, don't you think it'd
be best if we went down there

and captured the
target by infiltration?

Huh? Don't you?

Have you lost your mind?

Well, it'd...

We'd save the taxpayers
a whole lot of money,

and then we would
be... He's cracking up.

Right here in front of my
eyes, he's cracking up.

Any time you're ready, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Pyle, you got that
target sighted?

Well, just let me
check the range again.

Target sighted.

It better be.

Fire!

Better close the window, Harper.

Sounds like a thunderstorm.

Resight, Pyle, resight.

What's the matter with you?

You know how to hold this thing.

Well, this ought to
be a whole lot closer.

It really ought to.

Well, fire, fire.

Somebody blowed up the truck.

Get down on the floor.

No, get, get over there.

Go on, get over there.

Jud, get over there.

Harper!

Lottie, I don't know
who that is out there,

but we ain't going
down without a fight.

Golly!

Boy, that's what I call realism.

You know, for a minute
there, I was really scared.

(gunshot)

Sergeant Carter.

Yes, sir?

What's going on?

Who's in that shack?

Well, I don't know, sir.

Well, we're being
fired upon, Sergeant.

Did you know that?

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, who's doing the firing?

(gunshot)

Well, uh... well,

somebody probably
barricaded himself in there

is what it is, sir.

Well, get a detail down there

and smoke that
someone out with tear gas.

Aye, aye, sir.

(gunshot)

Golly, maybe there's some
kids in there playing, sir.

If those are kids playing,
I don't like their toys.

A detail of men with
tear gas, Sergeant.

Whoever's in there,
just get him out.

Aye, aye, sir.

Sir, sir?

What is it?

I know it's not my place
to offer suggestions, but...

I'd go down there alone
if the colonel'd let me.

That doesn't make
much sense, Private.

Why send one man?

Whoever's in there
is obviously armed,

not afraid to fire,

and doesn't care
what or who he hits.

Well, that's what I mean, sir.

We had something like
this back home once.

A feller got all barricaded in,

and then every time
a bunch'd rush him,

he got so scared and panicky

that he just fired right into
the whole pack of them.

And then just one feller
tried and he made it,

'cause when the feller
seen just one coming,

he didn't get scared.

Feller went in there and
took that gun away from him

and bawled him out good, he did.

Please, sir, let me.

Well, that's very
courageous of you, Private.

All right, but be careful.

Thank you, sir.

Glasses, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

No more shooting,
Harper, please.

Not unless I have to,
Lottie, but I got a right.

A man's home is his castle.

Hey, Harper, it's me.

Gomer.

Pa.

Jud, get away from that window!

But it's Gomer.

Gomer?

Over behind the stump.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

We're saved; it's Gomer.

Hey, Gomer!

He just went right in.

Somebody out there's
been shooting at us, Gomer.

Just take look at what
they done to our truck.

Whenever we're in trouble,

we can always count on you
to be around, can't we, Gomer?

You sure can, ma'am.

Wait a minute; I think I
see something moving.

You can't do that, Harper.

Well, why not?

Somebody out
there is firing at me.

Who do you think that
is firing at us, Gomer?

Well... I know who it is.

It's the United
States Marine Corps.

HARPER: The Marines?!

Uh-huh.

Well, you see,
it's all my fault.

This here shack is
right smack in the middle

of the field for the
war maneuvers.

What's he doing in there?

I wish I knew, sir.

All he has to say is, "This
is government property,

so you'll have to
get out of this shack."

Well, that's probably
just what he's saying, sir.

Then why is it taking so long?

Well, uh... well, if
the colonel's noticed,

he does speak kind of slow.

So you see, this is
government property

and that's the reason
you're gonna have

to get out of the shack.

I sure am sorry.

Well, it ain't your
fault, Gomer.

You tried.

You couldn't help it that of
all the places you picked out

for us to stay, not one
of them worked out.

I sure botched things up.

Don't feel bad, Gomer.

You were only trying to do good.

Sure sorry about it, ma'am.

Well, you tell your
colonel that we'll get out.

We'll, we'll leave.

We don't stay where
we're not wanted.

Well, I'll tell him, Mr. Harper.

And you can also tell him
we ain't got no truck no more.

It's all busted up.

They busted it for us.

I know.

I sure am sorry about that, too.

Well, it may take a little
while for us to get out.

You see, we're a family.
We're not Marines.

Right.

I don't know how we're
going to get to Oregon now

with the truck blowed up.

I sure am sorry.

You just take as
much time as you need.

Guess we'll just have to wait.

We'll see you, Gomer.

We took Okinawa
in less time than this.

Wait a minute. He's coming out.

He is, sir?

How many has he got with him?

He's alone.

Alone?

Well, whoever is in
there isn't budging.

You going to smoke
him out, Colonel?

I certainly am.

I've got a program to carry out.

Well? Who is it?

Who's down there?

Well, it's a whole family.

A mama and a daddy and
a little girl and a little boy.

A whole family?

Well, how did they
get in there anyway?

Just decided to move in?

Well... And now
they won't leave?

That's what they told you?

Well, you see, their
truck's busted, sir.

We've got maneuvers to complete.

You going to use
tear gas, Colonel?

What?

You wouldn't have to use
anything if they had a truck.

See, they need a truck.

Their own truck got ruined.

They need a
truck. A truck'd do it.

Best plan would be
if they had a truck.

See, they really need the truck.

Where do they want to go anyway?

They want to go to Oregon,

and they could if
they had a truck.

See, if they had a
truck... I know, I know.

All right, let's loan
them one of our trucks

and get them to Oregon.

You'll lend them
a truck, Colonel?

Well, of course. Can't
just let them sit down there.

That's mighty generous
of you, Colonel.

Hey, make a great
human interest story

and a big credit to you, sir.

And, sir, for the
folks down there:

thank you, thank you, thank you.

Careful.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Thanks, fellers.

Boy, this'll get you to
Oregon, all right, Harper.

Oh, you ain't kidding.

It's lots better than the
old wreck was anyway.

Thanks, Gomer.

Well, I'll be!

(laughs)

Well, everybody in, come on.

I promised the colonel
we'd be shoving off.

Well, Gomer, I, I
guess that's about it.

And don't forget, buddy-boy,
anytime you're in Oregon,

you've got a place
to hang your hat.

Well, thank you,
Harper. That's real nice.

Bye-bye. Y'all be sweet.

Bye.

Be careful now. Bye, Gomer.

Bye, Gomer. Bye.

(loud explosion)

Uh-oh, you got yourself
a flat tire, a real blowout.

You run over a busted bottle.

What am I gonna do?

Well, let's see.

I've got tomorrow off,

and I can go into town and
get you a brand-new tire,

but first all, I got to get
you a place to stay tonight.