Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 24 - Duke Slater, Night Club Comic - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

(all laughing)

Hey, here's another one.

Guess who this
is. (clears throat)

For it was Mary, Mary,

sweet... mm-hmm, mm-hmm
as any name could be...

'Cause you are the guy that
gave it to my brother in the back.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Huh? (laughter)

Hey, that's great, Duke.

Betty Grable, right?


Oh, you're making a
joke, ain't you, Frankie?

That was Humphrey
Bogart, wasn't it, Duke?

It was Jimmy Cagney, Gomer.

Well, that was my second choice.

Here's another one.

Guess who this one is, Gomer.

(clears throat)



Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter,

you're the best sergeant
a Marine ever had.

Why, you're just
like a mama to us,

so thank you, thank
you, thank you.


Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.


Gosh, Duke, you
ought to be on the stage.

You really should.

Doggone how you
do all them things.

All right, here-
here's another one.

This ought to be very
close to your heart, Gomer.

(clears throat)

All right, Pyle, you lamebrain,
you nitwit, you knucklehead,

when I give you an
order, I give you an order!

Now, you lift that
bulldozer and carry it back

to the motor pool, you hear me?!

Move it, move it, move it!

I can't hear you!

(laughter and applause)

Hey, that's wonderful, Duke.

Do some more. Do me again.

All right. No, no,
I got a better one.

This is... this is good.

Guy walks in...
Oh, hi... hi, Sarge.

Hey, Sergeant.

Duke was just doing
the most amazing...

Knock it off!

What is this, a
ladies' garden party?

Do you realize what time it is?

You people were supposed to
be in formation at 10:00 sharp.

You do know what
10:00 looks like?

The little hand is on the 10:00,

and the big hand
is on the 12:00.

All right, let's go!

Move it, move it, move it!

What are you looking at, Pyle?

Golly, Sergeant, I
just can't get over it.

Get over what?

How much you sound like Duke.

Why he... Pyle, I don't know

what you're talking
about, and I don't care.

I just want you
out on that street,

and I mean now.

Gomer, are you out of your head

telling Carter about Duke?

Well, why? What's
wrong with that?

Oh, come on, Gomer.

If he knew I was
imitating him, he'd...

Why, he'd be flattered. Oh.


Why, yes. Why not?

Anybody would.

Grandma Pyle used to always say,

"Imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery."

Well, Grandma Pyle
isn't in our platoon.

Here's your pack.

Now, come on, let's go.

(as Carter): Move
it, move it, move it!

Doggone how you do that.

Wait a minute. Stop.
No more walking.

I mean, where are we
going? What are we gonna do?

I don't want to walk
the streets all night.

Well, how about a
movie. There's a... No.

Well, Frankie, you don't
even know what it is yet.

It's a Godzilla movie, right?

Right. How'd you know?

Every week, there's
a Godzilla movie.

That guy must have made
more movies than Doris Day.

Well, this one's about
a teenage Godzilla.

You see, he's...
Forget it, Gomer.

Well, what do we do then?

I hear the Tall Girls Club's
having a dance at the YWCA.

Oh, no, forget it.
The last time I went

to one of their dances,
I got a stiff neck.

Well, let's keep walking.

We'll think of something.

(muted music playing nearby)

Hey, what's this?

entertainment, entertainment.

"Tonight only.

"Opportunity tonight.

"Acts galore.

"A dollar and a half minimum.

Come in and have a ball."

How about that?

Boy, if there's anything I hate,

it's those corny amateur shows.

Oh, come on, Duke;
we'll get a few laughs.

It's better than Godzilla.

I like shows like that.

Maybe they got somebody
that plays the spoons.

Did you ever see
anybody do that?

Come on, Duke.
There's nothing else.

Oh, might as well.

(jazzy music playing)


Look at that. Ain't she limber?

I bet she can scratch
behind her ear with her foot.

That's probably her next trick.

(drum roll)



(band plays fanfare)

How about that, folks?

Wasn't she great?

Wonderful, wonderful.

Thank you very much.

Little Alice Birkenfeld,
ladies and gentlemen.

Boy, boy, what a trooper.

By the way, friends,
Alice didn't want me

to tell you this, but
she came out here

with a temperature of over 101!

How about that? (applause)

I knew there was
something wrong with her.

And now friends, I
have a real treat for you.

Here's a gentleman
who really doesn't belong

on an amateur program,
because as far as I'm concerned,

he's a real professional
right down to his fingertips.

And now, without further ado,

won't you help me at this time

for a real grand
Jade Club reception

for Mr. Seymour Fareeki?

And here is Seymour. (applause)

Glad to see you, Seymour.

Here we go.

(playing bright melody
on single trumpet)

(all trumpets playing)

You know something, Duke?

You ought to go up there.

You're as good as any of them.

Huh? Hey, he's right.

Duke, you'd win that
contest hands down.

Oh, come on.

PYLE: You would, too, Duke.

Little Alice was good,
but I think you're better.

Why don't you go
up on that stage

and do your imitations?

Oh, quit it, will ya?

You really should.

Try it, Duke... What
have you got to lose?

I don't even have an act.

Do your imitations.

I don't know.

(playing trumpets in harmony)


Seymour! That was
wonderful, Seymour!

Tremendous job. Thank you,
thank you very, very much.

Boy, oh, boy,
wasn't he wonderful?

Well, friends, that just
about winds up our show.

Unless, of course,

we have some other
talented amateur out there

who would like to come
up here on the stage

and show us what they can do.

How 'bout it, folks?
Anybody else out there?

Remember, there's a $25 prize.

Besides that, the winner
gets the chance to come back

to appear in our regular
show tomorrow night.

Duke, that 25 bucks is
practically in your pocket.

No... It sure is.


Sir, there's somebody

right here who'd like
to come up and try.

Gomer, no. No.

How about that,
ladies and gentlemen?

We've got a shy marine.

Let's get him up
on the stage, folks!

Come on, help me. (applause)

Come on, buddy. There we go.

Come on, folks. Help
me out there, would you?

Come right over
here, young fella.

Come right up on the stage.

There we go. Come
right up here, come on.

There you go. Glad
to see you, friend.

Glad to see you.
Nothing to be afraid of.

We're all friends out here.

It's a wonderful audience.

You mind telling me what your
name is and what do you do?

Well, uh, my name
is Duke Slater.


(whispers): I-I do impressions.

What? What, what?

Aha, this young fellow
does impressions,

ladies and gentlemen.

Wonderful. There's a
great audience out there.

There's your microphone.
You're on your own.

Good luck, buddy. Thank you.

(clears throat)

Well, thank you.

Um, honestly, folks,
I-I don't really, uh,

sing or dance, and I... don't
have anything prepared.

It's just that, uh, well, uh,

the other day, I was, uh,
fooling around in the barracks

doing a couple of impressions,

and my good buddies
over there seemed to think

I'm pretty good at it, so,
uh, well, here I am, darn it.

(laughter) Well, as you can see,

I'm a Marine.

I was, uh, sentenced...

I mean, I joined for four years.

Well, I love the Marines, and...

and one nice thing about it,

you get to meet
a lot of nice guys,

like my good buddy
over there, Gomer Pyle.

Gomer Pyle.

(clears throat)


Hey, everybody, it's me, Gomer.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

You want to meet my sergeant?



That's another one,
Sergeant Carter.

(clears throat) We
call him King Kong.

I'll never forget the
first time I met him.

It was in basic training.

I was sleeping
peacefully in the barracks.

It was pitch dark, the
middle of the night,

and all of a sudden, this
soft, gentle voice came to us.

All right, you nitwits,
you lamebrains,

you knuckleheads,
rise and shine!

Up and at 'em!

Let's go. Move it! Move it!

Move it! Move it!


I don't know what
Sergeant Carter did

before he got into the
Marines, but I suspect

he worked for a van
and storage company,

'cause that's his
favorite expression.

Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!

He's a funny guy.

He's got Carter down cold.

It's too bad Carter's not here.

He'd split a gut.

Or that guy Slater's head.

SLATER: And there
was my sergeant

underneath the
whole mess yelling,

"I'll get you for this,
you lamebrains,

"you nitwits, you knuckleheads!

"Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!



Come on, let's hear it
for Private Duke Slater.

(whistling and applause)

Great job, old buddy.

Well, don't go away.

Stand right over
there if you please.

Now, friends, this is
it... The moment of truth.

Now we're going
to find out who wins

our $25 cash prize.

Would you contestants kindly
come up on the stage, please?

(imitating Carter):
Move it! Move it! Move it!

Uh, now, first of all,

our first contestant
was George Toomey,

who played the spoons.


Oh, I missed it. Good.

Seymour Fareeki.


Little Alice Birkenfield.


Private Duke Slater.

Yay! (loud applause)



The winner is
Private Duke Slater.

He won! He won!

I knew he'd win!

I am sorry for
Little Alice, though.

I hope she gets over her cold.

Private Slater, it gives
me a great deal of pleasure

at this time to present
you with this check for $25,

and also an
invitation to come back

to appear on our regular
show tomorrow night.

Gee, thanks a lot. My pleasure.

More! More!

Come on, Duke!

Hey, Duke, do some more.

I guess they want to hear more.

You want to hear more
about my Sergeant?

More! Come on, Duke!
More! Hey, do some more.

Here you go.

(chuckling): Well, okay.

I-I never really did
describe him to you, did I?

Well, uh...

(clears throat) picture
a very ugly bulldog.

Well, he's... he's
not quite that cute.

Oh, too bad Carter missed this.

He would have enjoyed it.

I'll bet.

Well, he still can
tomorrow night.

You gonna tell him?

Why not?

(laughing): Oh.

(all three laughing)

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, Sergeant.

As you know, every six months,

the base rates its non-
commissioned officers,

and, uh, the current
ratings have just come out.

I thought you'd like to know

who the top-rated sergeant
on this base is right now.


"For outstanding leadership,

"for earning the respect

"and confidence of his men,

Sergeant Vincent Carter."

That's very nice, sir.

There will be a formal
presentation some time next week,

but I thought you'd like a
little advance word on this.

Well, yes. Thank you, sir.

It's a great honor.

Congratulations, Sergeant.

As far as I'm concerned,

I think the committee
picked the right man.

Thank you, sir.

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

Good afternoon, sir.

CARTER (shouting): Yahoo!

Hey, hiya, guys. What
do you say, Vince?

Hey, how are you, Vince?

Well, well, well, McClusky,
Lonigan and Shapiro.

Winkin', Blinkin', and Nod.


We were just coming
down to see you.

Yeah, we wanted to
tell you about something.

Yeah? Well, hold it, boys,

'cause I got something
to tell you first.

How are your hearts?
They all in good shape?

Yeah. I mean, can they
take a little bit of a jolt?

What's on your mind? Sure.

Well, you know the
semi-annual NCO Awards?

Guess who won. You?

Well, not you, not
you and not you.

(overlapping chatter)

That's really great, Vince.

Who did you have
to buy off to get it?

(laughter) Hey, wait a minute.

You guys said you had
something to tell me. What was it?

Oh, it wasn't too much, Vince,

except the boys and
I saw this great comic

down at the Jade
Club, and we thought

you might get a big
kick out of him. Yeah?

Yeah. With your sense of
humor, Vince, you'll really enjoy it.

The Jade Club, huh?

Well, by rights, I ought to
do a little celebrating tonight.

Maybe I'll do my
celebrating right there.

(laughs) Good idea.

It's just the thing

an award-winning
sergeant would enjoy.

Yeah. Right, boys?

Right, right.

Well, so long, losers.

I got to go see my men.

They just love me.

Oh, don't forget
the Jade Club. Yes.

Boyle, you know someday
you're gonna be a sergeant,

so you might as
well know the secret.

I'm tough, all right.
I'm plenty tough.

But I'm fair.

I'm tough, and I'm fair,
and I'm understanding.

And you're modest.

Right. That's why
my men love me.

Afternoon, Sergeant Carter.

Oh, Pyle.

Well, even you can't
spoil my day, Pyle.

Come in, come in.
What can I do for you?

Boy, you sure seem in
a good mood, Sergeant.

Tell him, Boyle.

You want me to? Sure. Tell him.

Well, Pyle, it isn't
out for publication yet,

but your sergeant
here was just given

the Semi-Annual
Sergeant's Award,

rated the Best
Sergeant on this base.

No! You don't mean it!

Well, for gosh sakes! What
do you think about that?

CARTER: That's right, Pyle.

For outstanding leadership
and for earning the respect

and confidence of my men.

Well, for gosh sakes.

I can't tell you how
happy I am, Sergeant.



Enough, Pyle.

Now what's on your mind?

I just wanted to know if you're
doing anything special tonight?

Tonight? Uh...

I've already been spoken for.
You should have asked me sooner.


That's funny, Sergeant.

You know, you sure got
a good sense of humor.

Yeah, everybody says that.

What I wanted to say though,

is that if you're
not doing anything

special tonight, you ought
to go down to the Jade Club.

You see, last night they
had this opportunity contest

and Duke won first prize,

and he's gonna be
there again tonight.

And, Sergeant Carter, he's the
funniest comedian you've ever seen.

Duke? Slater?

Yeah! And he's
funny, funny, funny.

You know, somebody else
was telling me about a comic

down at the Jade Club, but
I didn't know it was Slater.

Well, it is, and he is
funny, funny, funny.

Yeah, you told me.

Well, I might just
drop down there.

Well, you'll sure be
thrilled, Sergeant.

'Cause he is
funny, funny, fun...

You said that, Pyle.

Listen, I won't tell
Duke you're coming.

I'll just let it all
be a big surprise.

Well, okay.

All right, Pyle, maybe
I'll drop down there.

Well, good, Sergeant...
And, Sergeant,

best wishes on your award again.

congratulations, congratulations!


Sarge? Yeah?

You know there's a buck
50 minimum at the Jade Club.

So? This is no night
to count pennies.

This is a night to
howl. What's a buck 50?

Is that a person or a couple?

Per person, Sarge.

Well, so what? This
is a night to celebrate.

I'll pick up Bunny, we'll
have dinner and drinks

and some of that Napa
Valley champagne.

Don't worry, we'll
get our $3 worth.


(doorbell ringing)

Hi, Vince. Hi, Bun.

Hey, what are you
doing in slacks?

Well, what do you mean
what am I doing in slacks?

Well, I always tear my stockings

on those stools down
at Hamburger Pete's,

and, well it gets pretty
cold at the beach, you know.

Beach? What beach?

We're not going to
Hamburger Pete's.

But I'm hungry.

And you promised
me dinner, Vince.

And those sandwiches
are only 30 cents.

I don't see why...
Wait a minute, baby.

I know that's what
we usually do.

But tonight is different.

Tonight is special.

Tonight, we're
really going to go big.

Oh, yeah? Where?

We are going to the
Jade Club. The Jade Club?

Well, that's a dollar minimum.

What are you
talking about a dollar?

It's a dollar and a half!

But, that's okay, baby,
because little Vince

has really got something
to celebrate tonight.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

Well, sweetheart,
you are looking at

the top-rated Sergeant
on the entire base.

The NCO Awards came out
today, and guess who won?

Oh, Vince!

(laughing) Oh, that's wonderful!

I'm real happy for you!

Yeah, so dress
to the hilt, baby,

because we're really
going to swing tonight!

Oh, Vince! I'm so
happy and proud of you.

Even if we did have hamburgers
tonight, I'd still be thrilled.


Well then, maybe we ought to
just have hamburgers tonight.

Oh, come on! Come
on, baby, move it.

We don't want to miss the show.

We're gonna have fun, fun, fun!


(up-tempo jazz playing)

Gomer, why do you
keep looking out there?

Are you expecting someone?

As a matter of fact, I am; I
got a big surprise for Duke.

Yeah? What?

Well, I invited Sergeant
Carter to come down.

You what?!

Gomer, you didn't!

Yes I did, and he
said he'd come.

Wh-What's wrong, Frankie?

What's wrong, Gomer?!
Why, he'll blow his top!

Sergeant Carter?
Why would he do that?

Oh, Gomer, because Duke
is doing that imitation of him.

Well, that's the reason
I invited him down.

Oh, boy, Gomer, you really...

Well, I got to warn
him... He's going on next.

Warn him about what?

Oh, Gomer, don't you understand?


All right, let's hear
it for Mavis Pearl.

Oh, no, it's too late.

Carter isn't here yet.

Maybe he'll miss him.
Ladies and gentlemen...

Well, I still don't know why
that upsets you so much.

Oh... Last night, on our
amateur night program,

we discovered a very
funny, funny comedian.

So we've asked him to
come back this evening

to appear for you
ladies and gentlemen.

So won't you help me at
this time with a real solid

Jade Club reception
for Private Duke Slater!


Welcome, Private Slater.

Hey, we're just in time.

They're introducing him now.

Oh, good!

SLATER: Gosh, I never
knew I had so many relatives.

Oh, no! It's Carter!

This is it! This is the end!

SLATER: Well thank
you, thank you very much.

Uh, last night I told the
folks about some of the fellas

in my platoon and it, uh, it
seemed to go over pretty well,

so I thought I might as well
do the same thing tonight.

That is if you want me
to. (applause, cheering)

Hey, this ought
to be pretty good.

Okay, well...

first of all, there's my
good buddy, Gomer Pyle.

(clears throat) Gomer Pyle.


Heck's-sakes and Shazam!

(laughing): Hey, this is great.

He's got Pyle down to
a T. Ain't he great, huh?

And then, there's our
sweet, gentle Sergeant,

with his soft,
tender little voice

who wakes us up in the morning
with the voice of a nightingale.

Hey, Vince, he's
gonna do you. Yeah...

All right, you nitwits!

Move it! Move it!
Move it! Move it!

You're not civilians
now, you're Marines!

M-A-R-U... M-A-R-E... Marines!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

See, Gomer? See, Gomer?

Look at him, look at him.

Does he look like
he's enjoying it?

What is this?

Is this his act?

SLATER: And, you know,

the sarge has this terrible
problem with his ears.

Every time he gives us an order,
we usually say, "Yes, Sergeant."

And he says, "I can't hear you!"

And we say, "Yes,
Sergeant," and he says,

"I can't hear you!"

And we say, "Yes, Sergeant!"

And he still says:
"I can't hear you!"

I think his mother forgot
to take off his earmuffs.

Why, that no good...

Come, on, Vince,
he's just kidding.

The people think he's funny.

Yeah, well, I don't.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Look at him... now
look, he's leaving.

We got to do something.

Well, like what?

Well, I don't know, but
we got to do something.

SLATER: And this is the way
Sergeant Carter counts cadence...

(grunting gibberish)

Gomer, what are you doing?

I'm on. I'm on.

What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Duke,

but there's
something I got to say.

Excuse me for
interrupting, folks,

but my name is Gomer Pyle.


Yeah. Look at that.

Now the two of them
are gonna team up.

Come on. I just want
ya'll to know how pleased

I was at the way Duke
here was imitating me,

and there's another fella
here that Duke took off on,

and I wouldn't want him to get
out of here before you meet him.

And that fella is
Sergeant Carter,

and he's standing right
over there by the door.


In addition to being
a good sergeant,

he's also a real good sport.

'Cause all the time
that you all was laughing

at the way Duke
here was imitating him,

there wasn't nobody enjoying it

any more than
Sergeant Carter hisself.

He's got a wonderful
sense of humor.

Look, Vince.

They're clapping for you.

And there's something
else I want y'all to know

about Sergeant Carter.

He's one of the best
sergeants on our base.

As a matter of fact, he
won an award just today

for that very reason, being
the best sergeant on our base.

Now, wouldn't you all
like to meet this fellow

who knows how to
take a joke on hisself?

(audience cheering)

Go on, Vince.

They're calling for you.

Go on, go on, go on.

(cheering, band playing)

Wonderful, wonderful!

Come on up here, Sergeant!

Come on up here. Come
on. Glad to see you, Sergeant.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Yes, indeed.

Thank you.

Welcome to the Jade
Club, Sergeant Carter.

Would you mind saying a
few words for us, please?

Well, uh... Uh, you
know, uh, yeah...

Private Slater is pretty good,

but, uh, well, he really
doesn't do me right.

I mean, when I say,
"Move it, move it, move it,"

Well, I mean, "Move
it, move it, move it!"


ALL: Right!

I can't hear you!


I can't hear you!


I can't hear you!


(applause) I can't hear you!


Well, that sort of
winds up our show,

but before we do, I
was just wondering,

Sergeant Carter, what about you?

Is there anything
you can do for us?

Do you have any hidden talent?

Um, no, no, I can't do anything.

Why don't you sing
a song, Sergeant?

He's got a real fine voice.

Really? Is that true, Sergeant?

(chuckling): No, not really.

Come on, how about a song?

Well... Come on, old
buddy, what'll it be?

Well, does the band
know "For Me And My Gal"?

Of course they know
"For Me And My Gal".

Hit it, fellas.

(piano playing intro)

(off-key): ♪ The
bells are ringing ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ The birds are singing ♪

♪ For me and my gal... ♪

♪ Everybody been knowing ♪

♪ To a wedding they're going ♪

♪ And for weeks,
they been sewing ♪

♪ Every Susie and Sal ♪

♪ They're congregating ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ The parson's waiting ♪

♪ For me and my gal ♪

♪ And someday, we're
gonna build a little home... ♪

♪ ♪