Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 23 - Gomer and the Phone Company - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

I got 65 cents.

I got 90.

I got 80 cents,

but that's not counting
my lucky silver dollar.

But I know you wouldn't
want me to use that.

You got $1.80, Gomer.

You mean you'd spend
my lucky silver dollar?

Gomer, this is no
time to be sentimental.



Either we spend
your silver dollar

or we go back to the base.

All right, all right,
look, we got a buck 80

and 90, which is, uh, $2.70
and 65 is, uh, uh, $3.35.

What can we do with $3.35?

Well, we can each
have a hamburger

and a piece of pie.

Or we can go to the
movies and go home hungry.

We could go swimming at the "Y",

which is a quarter,
and have enough

for a hamburger. No pie.

Couldn't we just have a cookie

and not spend my
lucky silver dollar?

Let's go to the movies.



Okay, I wonder what's playing.

Well, if we had an extra dime,
we could call up and find out.

Well, I got my lucky dime,

but I know you
wouldn't want to use that.

Call, Gomer.

But it's my lucky dime.

Gomer, call. Call.

Well, you know how
long I've had that...?

Call. Call.

Gee, fellers, if I spend all

my lucky coins, I won't
have no luck at all this year.

The number is 555-25 60.

Duke, are you sure you want to go to
the movies? What else is there to do?

Hello. What?

It's a recording.

"The Bijou Theater
proudly presents...

"fun for the whole family.

"The Hideous Hatchet of Dr. Wong

"and Blood On The Stairway.

"And selected short

"subjects and free
parking in the rear.

"The Hideous Hatchet of
Dr. Wong goes on the screen

"at 6:20 and 10:10.

Blood On The Stairway can
be seen at 8:30 and 11:55."

That's good enough,
Gomer. "The Bijou Theater

proudly presents fun
for the whole family."

Hang up, Gomer, hang up!

Both of those sound

like two real good
movies, don't they?

Yeah, sure, great.
Let's-Let's go.

(loud clanking)

Hey, lookit! Well, I'll be.

(all grunting)

60, 70, 75.

$41.75, would you believe it?

Now, listen, how's
this strike you?

Let's call some girls,
pick 'em up in a cab,

drive out to the Rainbow Club,

we'll get steak
dinners and dance.

Great! On $3.35?

What do you mean?

We got 41.75, Gome.

Oh, but this is not
our money, fellers.

What do you mean? If
it's not ours, whose is it?

Well, it's the phone company's.

FRANKIE: Huh?

And we got to give it back.

Now wait, wait a minute, Gomer.

I don't think I heard you right.

You say you want
to give this back?

Well, it's the only
thing we can do.

The phone company didn't
mean for all this money

to come pouring out of there.

It was a mistake,

and we couldn't take advantage
of somebody else's mistake.

Look, call Doris, she's
got a couple of girlfriends.

Tell her we'll pick
'em up in 15 minutes.

Wait now, fellers. I'm
serious. We can't do that.

We can't use this
money that's not ours.

Why, it'd be like stealing.

He really means it.

It's not stealing, Gomer.
I mean, how many times

have you put a dime in
and got a wrong number?

You don't say that the
phone company robbed you.

That's just the
breaks of the game.

Uh-uh, fellers, we
got to give it back.

Gomer, you're out of your head.

We should march right down
there to the phone company

and explain to 'em what happened

and give 'em their money back.

Gomer, pal, buddy, listen
to me. Don't be a sap.

The phone company
isn't thinking about you,

so why should you think
about the phone company?

Grow up, Gomer. In this world,
you got to look out for number one,

'cause believe
me, nobody else is

going to do it. You
ever hear about that?

Yeah, and I heard
something else, too.

Honesty is the best policy.

Did you ever hear that?

Gomer... And the
only honest thing for us

to do is to return this money
that don't belong to any of us.

Now wait a minute, Gomer.

Now just wait a minute.
We were all in on this,

and two out of
three say we take it

and we spend it. Now, that's it.

Fellers, it was my dime
that fetched us this money,

so I ought to have a say, too,

and I say I'm gonna take it back

to the phone company
and give it back.

Now, you can come
with me if you want.

But Gomer... Gomer, now please?

I'm sorry, fellers.

This is the only
honest thing to do.

Now, you want to come with me?

Are you kidding? I w... I
wouldn't want any part of it.

How about you, Frankie?

No, sir, no, sir.

You want to do a crazy
thing like that, Gomer,

Gomer, you are on your own.

Suit yourself. I'll see ya,

but back to the phone
company it goes.

Yes, sir, may I help you?

Yes, ma'am, I guess you can.

You see, I got this $41.75

that I'd like to give
the phone company.

Oh, you wish to pay your bill.

Third floor.

No, ma'am, it's not a bill.

I don't even have a phone.

You want a phone? New
applicants, seventh floor.

No, I don't want
a phone neither.

You see, I was in this
phone booth making a call

to the Bijou Theater to find
out what was playing there...

By the way, they got two
wonderful family pictures...

And when I hung up,

the phone company
made this terrible mistake.

Yes, sir.

Window 13 right down the hall.

MAN: What number
were you calling from, sir?

Well, I don't
remember the number.

You remember the exchange?

No, I don't remember
that neither.

Well, if you wish an adjustment,

you'll have to give
me some information.

Well, I'm sorry as I can
be, but all I remember

is that it was a phone booth
and I was calling the Bijou Theater

to find out what
was... Yes, I know.

You told me that.

Look, how much of a
refund do you want?

But I didn't want any refund.

I wanted to give you a refund.

You see, I think the
phone was broken, and...

Broken?

Wait a minute.

You don't want me.

Go to window 27.

The main trouble is
people just can't resist

banging on the coin boxes.

Now, you mustn't do that.

It isn't good for you

and it certainly doesn't
do the boxes any good.

But I didn't bang the box.

Look, I know how easy it is

to lose your temper.

I've done it myself sometimes.

But it's just better
to call the operator.

She'll take your name and
address and send you stamps.

But I didn't lose any money.

I gained money, ma'am...
$41.75 to be exact... and I'd like

to return it. What?

You see, all this money
came pouring out of the box

and I'd like to give it back.

You want to return it?

That's right, ma'am.

So can I give it to you?

'Cause frankly, it's
pulling my belt down

to where it's pressing
on my hip bone.

But I can't take this.

I'm not set up for it.

Well, then who could?

Well, I don't know. Um...

Maybe Mr. Corbett.
I'll call him.

Oh, I'm getting that
funny noise again.

Maybe you just
better go up yourself.

Uh, third floor, Room 301.

Thank you, ma'am.

What is he, some kind of a nut?

He doesn't seem to be.

I mean, he's wearing
a Marine uniform.

I know what he is.

He's probably one of those
pranksters. Pranksters?

When you've been
here a little longer,

you'll find out
that we get 'em all.

About a month ago,
a man came in here

a claimed his Great Dane
swallowed his princess phone

and he was expecting a
very important phone call.

That's ridiculous.

I suppose it's the price
we pay for being big.

What do you want me
to do, send him away?

No, I'll handle this.

This one's probably
got a lot of lead coins

he's trying to pass off on us.

You know, I'm
getting a little sick

of these practical
jokers having a lot of fun

at our expense.

This time, I'm going
to have some fun.

Tell him to come in.

Well, come in!

How do you do, sir?

My name is Corbett.

How do you do, sir?
My name's Gomer Pyle,

and I sure am glad to
meet you, Mr. Corbett.

You see, I was
making this phone call...

Yes, my secretary told me.

And a lot of money came out

when you hung up,
is that right? Right.

And now you want to
give this money back to us

because you realize
it was a mistake

and you don't want to
take advantage of us.

That's exactly
right, Mr. Corbett.

Now, are you the man
that I give the money to?

Well, uh, no.

No, as a matter of fact,

he's down in Morocco
running his carrot farm.

He is?

Yes, but I do have
a suggestion for you.

Why don't you take
these coins, heat them,

and make toy
soldiers out of them?

Oh, they're lots of fun.

Huh?

Of course, now if
you do want to fly

all the way down to
Morocco that's your business,

but we cannot take
that money here.

Well, is there anybody else here

that I could give the money to?

Wait a minute!

I have it.

Why don't you take those
coins to a munitions plant,

have them melt it
down into a big ball,

put it in a cannon, and
then watch it go boom?

Watch it go boom!

(laughing)

Watch it go boom!

How do you like that?

You try to give the money back,

and they give you the runaround.

Now, look, Gomer, now, look,

there's no reason in the world

why you shouldn't keep it now.

Oh, yes, there's just as much
reason now as there ever was.

It's not mine. I got to
give it back somehow.

You're hopeless, Gomer.

You're absolutely hopeless.

CARTER: All right,
move it, move it!

Everybody fall in on the double!

Gomer, you're not going

to keep all that
money in your pocket?

Well, it's not mine and I
got to be especially careful...

CARTER: Come on! Move,
move, move, move, move!

All right, come on, move!

Move, move, move! Move it!

Dress right, dress!

Ready... front!

Right... face!

(clinking)

About... face!

(clinking)

All right, running in
place... double-time, hut!

Hup, two, three,
four! Hup, two...!

(clinking)

Platoon, halt!

I might have known.

What'd you do, Pyle,
break into your piggybank?

Sergeant Carter, you must mean

these coins I got in my pocket.

Huh?

Would you believe it?

I got $41.75 in my pocket.

What? In nickels,
dimes and quarters.

All right, Pyle,
what are you doing

with the coins in your pocket?

Well, Sergeant Carter,
it's kind of a long story.

I was afraid of that.

You mean to say the
telephone company

wouldn't take it back?

No, they wouldn't.

I went from place to place

and they just acted surprised.

Yeah, well, I can
understand that.

Well, what do I do, Sergeant?

How do I give 'em
the money back?

I don't know.
That's your problem.

Look, I've taken enough time out

already listening to you.

But Sergeant...
Don't bother me, Pyle.

Put it in the bank, spend it.

Buy $40 worth of wishes
and throw it in a fountain.

You forgot what you taught
us back in boot camp, Sergeant.

What?

Well, you remember
once back in boot camp,

you said anytime any of
us ever had any problems

to come to you.

And well, I got a problem

and I'm coming to you.

Oh, all right.

You say the phone company
won't take it back, huh?

No.

And you don't want
to keep it, right?

Right.

Well, there's only
one thing left to do.

Put it back where it came from.

Huh?

Back in the box,

You got it there, didn't ya?

Put it back in there.

Well, that's a brilliant
idea, Sergeant.

Why didn't I think of that?

For the same reason
you are a private

and I am a sergeant, Pyle.

Brains.

Well, thank you, Sergeant.

I'm gonna do just what you said

soon as I get off duty.

Of course, if you
want to take the time,

there's something
else you can do.

I mean, if you want to get
even with the phone company.

What's that, Sergeant?

You can get $41 worth of
stamps and mail it to 'em.

(laughs)

♪ ♪

MAN: What do you
think you're doing?

Oh, hello, Officer. Well,
it's kind of a long story.

You see, I made a call
from this phone yesterday,

and when I hung up,
all this money come out

and now I'm just
putting it back.

Sure, you are.

Now, listen, Pyle, or
whatever your name is,

you were not putting money
back into that coin box.

Nobody ever puts money
back into the coin box.

But honest, that's
just what I was doing.

I cross my heart
and I hope to die.

Where'd you get the uniform?

You roll a Marine?

You break into a pawnshop?

Where do you live, Pyle?

Like I told you several times...

Barracks 305R, Company
B, Camp Henderson.

You know what I think, Pyle?

I think you're a cheap crook

and you're using that
Marine uniform as a front.

And I don't think this
is the first phone box

you've ever broken into.

Why, I never.

Now, come on, spill it,
Pyle. We want the truth.

You talk, Pyle, talk.

You treat me nice
and I'll treat you nice.

But you treat me
mean and I'll ignore you.

Now you listen to me...

Wait a minute,
Bernard, wait a minute.

Let me handle this.

Cigarette?

Oh, no, thank you,
sir. I don't smoke.

But I would like some
chewing gum if you have any.

I don't have any gum.

Oh, well, that's all right.

Now, look, Gomer,

let's construct this whole
thing from the beginning.

Now you woke up this morning,

all alone in your
little dingy room...

Oh, no, it's a real big room

and there are
lots of other fellers.

And you looked around
and you thought to yourself,

"What am I doing here?"

Oh, well, I know
what I was doing there.

You see, I got two more
years on my enlistment.

And then you said,
you said to yourself,

"Why can't I have the
things other people have?"

Like what?

Well, you know, the
good things of life...

Wine, women, song...
Shameful, shameful.

Is that what you consider
the good things of life?

Well, I don't, but
you do, don't you?

Well, they're all right,
but there are a lot of other

good things, like good
books and good friends,

and you can't buy
those with money either.

Now, look, you're a
crook and I'm sure of it.

That's terrible.

Nobody's ever
called me that before.

I told you how you can prove it.

Just call up my
buddies at the base.

They was with me when
the whole thing happened.

Sure, sure.

You got a whole outfit
operating with you, right?

Well, then just call
up my Sergeant Carter.

You don't have a
Sergeant Carter.

You're not a Marine either.

Well, you may not
believe me, but he does.

You believe I got a
Sergeant Carter, don't you?

And you believe I'm in
the Marines, don't you?

And you believe I was putting
coins in that box, don't you?

Well, no, Pyle.

Frankly, I think
you're a crook, too.

Well, I never.

I ain't gonna talk to
neither one of you.

Unless you call Sergeant
Carter, that's all I got to say.

Okay, Sergeant, we
believe he's a Marine.

Well, if you believe
he's a Marine,

why don't you believe
the rest of his story?

'Cause that's
impossible, that's why.

People just don't do that.

They rip phones off the wall,

they break them
open with hammers,

they drill holes in them,

but they never put
money back into them.

Why not?

'Cause only an
idiot would think of

trying to put money
back into a phone box.

Oh.

Well, this guy would.

You just don't know him.

Maybe you're the one
doesn't know him, Sergeant.

Sometimes these innocent-looking
guys commit the worst crimes.

Maybe he's been pulling the
wool over your eyes for a long time.

Oh, no, not him.

I know him like a book.

Well, Sergeant, we have to
take him down to the captain

and see what he says.

For Pete's sake, he's dead

just from the
circumstantial evidence.

(whispers): Cir... Oh.

Well, look, is it

all right if I talk to him?

Sure, go ahead.

Make yourself at home, fellas.

We'll be right out here.

Did you get everything
straightened out, Sergeant?

Well, uh, no, Pyle.

Look...

I don't know how
to tell you this...

It doesn't look good.

But why, Sergeant?

I didn't do nothing wrong.

I know, but it's the
circumstantial evidence.

You see, there you were
in a phone booth at night

with all them coins
splattered all over.

Well, put yourself
in their place.

What can they think?

Circumstantial evidence.

What's that?

Circumstantial evidence?

Oh, that can be rough.

You see, they got
all the evidence

and it's circumstantial.

I told them what happened.

I told them I was
putting the coins back.

Yeah, yeah, but what idiot
puts coins back in a coin box?

Well, Sergeant, why don't
you tell them it was your idea to

put the coins back?
It was, you know.

Yeah, but they'll never
believe a guy like me

would let you do
such a stupid thing.

Then they'll really
get suspicious,

because they'll figure
I was just sticking up

for one of my men.

What are we gonna do, Sergeant?

We're gonna fight, that's what.

They give you
all this double-talk

about circumstantial evidence,

and we've got truth
and right on our side.

You know what you need, Pyle?

You need a good lawyer.

A lawyer?

Why, Sergeant?

Besides, I can't
afford a lawyer.

I know. So you know who's
gonna handle your case for you?

Me.

You? Sure.

I know how to talk to these
guys, and I know you, Pyle.

And I'm the guy that can get
you out of this, if anybody can.

Circumstantial evidence.

You sure, Sergeant?

Sure, I'm sure.

It's an open-and-shut case.

Just trust me,
Pyle, just trust me.

Now I'm sore. Really sore.

Sergeant,

where are we gonna
get $500 to bail me out?

Oh, I don't know.
Quiet, Pyle, let me think.

Sergeant Carter,
when my trial comes up,

are you still gonna
be my lawyer?

'Cause if you are, I was
thinkin'... Yeah, yeah, listen, Pyle.

You said you went
to the phone company.

Do you remember
who you talked to there?

Well, I talked to everybody.

Well, do you remember
anybody's name?

Yeah, I remember the last fella.

A Mr. Corbett, but he
just made a joke out of it.

Sergeant Carter, why can't
we call Frankie and Duke?

They was with me when
the whole happened.

No, I don't think they'd
believe them either.

Well, why not? They
seen the whole thing.

I know, but they'll figure

they're just your buddies
sticking up for you.

The same way I'm
sticking up for you.

But they was there.

No, the best thing

is for me to go back
to the phone company.

What was his name
again, that last guy?

Corbett. Mr. Corbett.

Look, Pyle, I'm
gonna get a hold of him

the first thing in the morning.

I'll get you out of this
if it takes me a year.

Just don't give up hope.

I'll see ya, Pyle.

Bye, Sergeant.

Do you mean to tell me he
tried to return the money?

Well, yes.

Well, then why
didn't you take it?

Well, Officer, you must realize

we are a big company,
we get all kinds of cranks.

Besides, if he'd gone to the
right window in the first place,

none of this would
ever have happened.

Well, what was the right window?

Window 32.

I don't remember
seeing a window 32.

It's in our annex
over across the street.

Well, here's your
money, Mr. Corbett.

Oh, thank you, Officer.

Good day, gentlemen.

How do you like that?

The nerve of that guy.

He didn't even thank you, Pyle.

Is that a sap, or is that a sap?

Why, Duke... Well, I'm
sorry, Gomer, but you brought

the whole thing on yourself,
and what did you get

for it? You and your
"honesty is the best policy."

See, was I right?
We tried to tell you,

Gomer, but you
had to be so honest,

and what did it get you?
A whole mess of trouble.

Now will you listen to me?

I just wish we'd talk
about something else.

Pyle. Is Pyle here?

Here I am.

You got a visitor
in the Duty Hut.

A Mr. Corbett from
the phone company.

I wonder what he wants.

He probably counted the
money and you're a dime short.

Yeah, he wants
you to give it back.

(laughing)

Here he is, Mr. Corbett.

Thank you, Corporal.

Hello, young man.

Hey, Mr. Corbett.

Is anything wrong?

Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, there is.

In my haste yesterday,
I forgot to thank you.

Oh, that's all
right, Mr. Corbett.

No, no, it isn't, but...

frankly, what you
did was so unusual,

I... I was just a
little bit stunned.

I-I wasn't thinking.

Anyway, you did something very
nice for the telephone company.

And now, what can the
phone company do for you?

Oh, really, Mr. Corbett,

you don't have to
do anything for me.

No, no, Pyle, I insist.

You name it and you've got it.

Anything within
reason, of course.

Well, when you said

what could the phone
company do for me,

it did kind of give me an idea.

No, Mom, honest.

It's not costing
me a cent. It's free.

Everybody is getting a
free long-distance call.

Yeah. My friend, Gomer
Pyle arranged the whole thing.

Wha... No, Mom, Mom, well,
look, it's a long story, Mom.

I-I'll write you about it.

Listen, how's Rose and Leo?

Well, how's it going?
You almost finished?

We have five more men.

It'll take about 20 minutes.

Good. How about you, Sergeant?

Ain't you gonna make a call?

Me?

Why, certainly.

I said everybody in the platoon

and you certainly
are in the platoon.

Well, thank you. Where
would you like to phone?

I just have to
make a note of it.

The boys have
been calling all over...

Vermont, Wyoming, Kansas...

You know who I'd like to call?

My Uncle Stanley.

He's my favorite uncle.

I haven't talked
to him for years.

Sure. Fine. Where does he live?

Warsaw.

Warsaw, Poland?

Where else?

Now do you believe me, Duke,
that honesty's the best policy?

All these phone calls cost a
whole lot more than $41.75.

Sure, yeah, yeah.

Here you are, Gomer.

They're placing
your call to Mayberry.

Thank you, Mr. Corbett.

And I'll never forget
how nice you've been.

Good-bye, boys. I got
to get back to the office.

And remember, nothing
says you like your voice.

(chuckles)

They're ringing.

Who you calling,
Gome, your girl?

Hello?!

Andy?!

It's me, Gomer.

No, I ain't in town.

I'm at camp.

Well, yeah, I can
hear you real good, too,

just like you was
in the next room.

Hey, Andy, how's Aunt Bee
and Opie and Cousin Goober?

Well, good.

Andy, I just called you to tell
you that everything's all right.

But I don't want
to talk too much,

on account of this
is long distance.

Well, okay, Andy.

Bye. You, too.

Good old Andy.

Sure good to hear his voice.

(coins clattering)

Shazam!

Holy mackerel!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, there must be at least...

Mr. Corbett!

Mr. Corbett.

Mr. Corbett!

Mr. Corbett!

Mr. Corbett!

Now wait a minute.

It's five more
minutes yet, fellers,

so let's don't go in yet.

Oh, come on, Gomer,
at least we can sit down.

No, let's wait until
the picture's over.

If I know how it ends,
it just ruins it for me.

Oh, come on, Gomer.
You know how it ends.

All these monster
movies end the same way.

The monster gets electrocuted.

(electrical crackling, growling)

Listen to that, Gomer.
He's getting it now.

I ain't listening. I
just ain't listening.

(dramatic music plays) Oh.
Oh, Gomer, you should see it.

No, no, you better not look.

Don't look.

Okay, it's over.

Can we go in now?

Let me get some popcorn first.

I just can't enjoy a
movie without popcorn.

Hey, fellers!

Look what's happening!

Maybe we... My goodness,

maybe we ought
to notify somebody.