Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 22 - A Star Is Born - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Now, one of you clowns gets
down on his hands and knees

under this window.

The rest of the platoon
goes by single-file,

using his buddy's
back as a step up

to get through the window.

Is that clear?!

OTHERS: Aye, aye, Sergeant!

All right!

Pyle, since you're
always a buddy

to everybody, suppose
you be the first buddy

down on his hands and knees.

Right, Sergeant.

Okay. All right, let's
line up behind Lombardi.

Come on, let's move,
move, move, move, move!

Now, I want all of you
entering that building

inside of 30 seconds.

Ready... go!

Move, move, move!
Come on, let's move it!

Move it! Move, move,
move, move, move!

Move! Come on, let's move it!

Move it! Come on, move!

Move, move, move!

I've seen a bunch of Girl Scouts

move faster than that!

Move, move, move! Come on!

Keep that back stiff,
Pyle! Keep it stiff!

Move, move, move!

Come on, move
it, move it, move it!

What's the matter,
Pyle, are you getting soft?

My back give out, Sergeant.

Did it really?

Would you like to
explain that to the enemy?

"Sorry, enemy, we
can't take this objective.

My back give out!" Well, I wouldn't
tell it to the enemy, Sergeant,

but I would tell it to you.
But I am the enemy, Pyle.

Do you understand?!
I am the enemy!

All right, everybody out!

Come on, move, move, move, move!

All right, we'll do
this exercise again,

and we'll try to get
a little snap into it.

And just to show you
that I don't play favorites,

every one of you
will get a chance

to be the man under the window.

We'll just see who else's
back is gonna give out.

All right, let's move
it! Come on, let's go!

Line up on Lombardi!
Move, move, move!

Move it, move it, move it!

Move, move, move,
move, move, move!

That's the man, Colonel.

Well, I'm sure you couldn't
go wrong with Sergeant Carter.

He's one of the best
platoon sergeants we have.

He seems to be just the
type we've been looking for.

Doesn't he, Lew?

He sure does. He's all Marine.

You see, Colonel, this
film we're going to make

will be shown all
over the country,

possibly even
all over the world.

It's essential that
we pick the right man.

Someone who embodies
all of the leadership qualities.

I think Sergeant
Carter can fill the bill.

Okay, Lombardi, one more goof

and you can do
another 50 push-ups!

On your feet!

And the rest of you guys
better get on the stick

or you can kiss them
weekend passes good-bye!

I'm sure we don't have to
look any further, Colonel.

Sergeant Carter seems perfect.

I think he'll give
you a good show.

When can we meet
him to discuss it?

I'll set it up right away.

Me? In the movies?

I've never done
any acting before.

That's just it. You don't
have to do any acting.

All you do is what you were
doing out there this afternoon,

and you'll be perfect.

Well, I don't know. I...

Just be yourself.
That's all we want.

Naturalness. Right.

Now, we'll be shooting this film

here on the base
where you'll feel

right at home.

We just want to photograph you

taking your platoon
through an average day.

Where is this going
to be shown, this film?

On television. All
over the country.

Maybe elsewhere.

When are you
going to start this?

Right away.

And, Sergeant, you will be

the only one in your outfit

to know anything about this.

I will? Oh, yes.

We use hidden cameras

and zoom lenses and
hidden microphones.

You see, in that way,

we can be sure the
men will act natural.

Oh. Sort of like that guy
on Candid Camera, right?

Well, yes, yes, in a way.

You see, we just don't
want the men to know

they're being filmed.

Well, I... Because, if they do,

their actions become
forced and self-conscious,

and we lose that natural
flavor that we're after.

Oh, I got it.

Then you'll do it?

Well, okay.

Good. And I know
you'll carry it off

like an old pro.

Don't worry about
Sergeant Carter.

I'll vouch for him.

Thank you, sir. Now, we start

tomorrow morning
at reveille, Sergeant.

Well, I'll be there.

Good. Thank you.

And I'm sure we
picked the right man.

Well, I'll... I'll see
you tomorrow.

Oh, and Sergeant?

Remember: naturalness.

The key word: naturalness.

Oh, yes, sir. I'll
do the best I can.

Hold it! No clippers.
Just scissors.

Why don't you stop complaining?

You know, you got me up

an hour before
reveille for this haircut?

Come on, come on!
I ain't got much time!

What do you think you're doing?

Don't cut any more!

I don't want it look like I
just came from the barber.

You know what I think?

I think you need work
inside your head, not outside.

Come on! Finish, will you?

And use the butch pomade.

You didn't use the butch pomade.

(bugle playing reveille)

See? There's reveille,
and you didn't even finish.

(reveille playing)

What is that?


Hey, this truck bit is great,

but you guys better
get back inside.

My men will fall out any minute.

Is this what you normally wear

when you fall out for reveille?

Oh, this?

I knew you would like this.

Especially if your film
is going to be in color.

It is going to be in color?

Well, Sergeant,
that outfit might

make the men a
little suspicious.

Now, if you don't mind, it
probably would be better

if you got into your
everyday work clothes.

That is, if you don't mind.

Oh. Sure, sure.

Oh, and here. Take this.

This is a wireless microphone.

Just clip it on to
your undershirt.

This will give us added
insurance on sound.

This tiny thing?

Tiny, but powerful.
Now, you'd better

hurry, Sergeant.

Oh, yes, sir. I'll
be right back.

(clearing throat)

Good morning, men.

Look, fellas,
before I call the roll,

three paces forward, march!

About face!

At ease!

What is he doing?

I don't know.

Nice to see you again, Billett.

How's your mother, Lombardi?

I hear she hasn't
been feeling well.

Uh... she's fine
now, Sergeant. Fine.

Good. Good. What was it anyway?

Uh... It was a gall
bladder attack.

Is that so?

That's going around a
lot these days, isn't it?

He sure sounds awful nice.

You think he
starts out like this,

and then gets mean
as the day goes on?

I don't know.

Do I keep on shooting?

Yeah. Maybe we'll see a change.

All right, men, let's
march to the mess hall.


Left face!

Forward march!

(indistinct shouting)

Get in step, Pyle! Get in step!

Okay, okay. This way, this way.

No, no. This way,
this way. Over here.

Look, fellas, why
don't you all sit down?

Go ahead, sit down. Go ahead.

Now, who would like

to demonstrate the proper
way to throw a hand grenade?

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Calm down.

On second thought,

maybe I had better
show you all again first.

It is a little tricky.

Golly, Sergeant, I know it
backwards and forwards.

I studied it real hard.

Fine, Pyle, but maybe
I'd better review it

for the other men
first. Sit down a while.

But I really know it,
Sergeant. I really do.

Sit down, Pyle.

All you do is put
the safety lever

in the palm of your hand

so that the lever is
between the thumb

and the forefinger, and then...

Sit down, Pyle! Sit down.


the safety lever
is held in the palm

so the that lever is between
the thumb and the forefinger.

That's right.
That's what I said.

The forefinger of the other hand

is hooked through
the safety pin ring.

100% right!

Now, you throw it
with a snapping motion

of the wrist, like a baseball,

so that the grenade rolls
off the tips of the fingers.

Page 313, Guidebook for Marines.

Like this.

Now, crawling under
barbed wire the proper way.

No, no, no, no.

We haven't done this
exercise in quite a while

and I'm sure some of you
men might be sort of rusty,

so why don't I sort of

refresh your memories?

I ain't rusty on it, Sergeant.

I'll be glad to do it.

Pyle... Pyle... Get back! Back!

Oh! I was hoping it
wouldn't be as bad

as when we were
shooting it, but it is.

It's worse.

It's like watching a home movie.


And this guy was our big choice.

What do we do now?

Find ourselves another sergeant?

Oh, no. I can't go
back to that colonel.

Especially after the big
send-off he gave Carter.

He'd be embarrassed.

Well, then, are we
stuck with this guy?

Well, I'll talk to Carter.

I'll tell him what
he's doing wrong.

I'll level with him.

Might as well try.

(knocking on door)

Come in.

Hi. I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

No, no, no, Sergeant.

Come right in.

As a matter of fact,
we've been watching

those first sequences
that we filmed.

Yeah? How'd they look?

Well, to tell you the truth,

the thing we feared
most became a reality.

What happened?

The picture we came here
to make just isn't coming off.

We're not getting the
flavor of the whole platoon.


What we are getting
is just one man,

and that one man is continually

hogging the camera.

Do I make myself
clear, Sergeant?

Yeah. Yeah.

This is a story of a
sergeant and his men,

and how he deals with his men.

Everybody should be involved.

You don't have to
say another word.

I think I understand.

I hope you don't take offense.

No, no, no, no.

No. I was beginning to
feel the same thing myself.

In fact, I was wondering
if it was that noticeable.

It really is, Sergeant.

Well, don't worry. It
won't happen anymore.

I knew I could count on you.

I'm still sure I
picked the right man.

Well, things will be different
the next time you film.

I can promise you that.

Thanks, Sergeant.
That is very reassuring.

Yes, sir.

I can promise you that!

That Pyle!

I knew he'd goof it up.

I'm gonna get ride of him.

Okay. Now
lower it just a little.

Right up against the lens.

That's it. Hold it.

Does that cover
the whole barracks?

Good. Okay, Dan.

Now let's hook
up the microphone.

Yeah. Got a lead
wire right over here.

What do you think our
sergeant's gonna do

after that little talk
you had with him?

He'll be fine. I think
he got the message.

Put it here under the bunk.

Oh, good.

That should pick
'em up fine. Good.

CARTER (in distance):
All right, fall out!

Here they come. Let's go.

(indistinct talking)

Uh, uh, wait a minute, fellas,
uh, before you all sit down

and make yourselves
comfortable, there are a few things

I want to talk to you about.

Uh, these are very
important things

to each and every one of y...


Well, today we're gonna
have a little refresher course

on the M-1 rifle.

Someone give me a
rifle. I'll get it, Sergeant!


Uh, thank you, Pyle.

Uh... why don't you sit down.

Uh, why don't all you
men move down this way.


Now, for a little reviewing.

The M-1 rifle.


Who can give me
the muzzle velocity?

I can, Sergeant.

The muzzle velocity

of the M-1 rifle is 2600
to 2800 feet per second.

Uh, fine, Pyle, fine.

Uh, but just wait
until you're asked.


Now, who can give me

the maximum range
of this weapon?

I can, Sergeant.

The maximum
range of the M-1 rifle

is 3500 yards approximately.

Look, Pyle, uh, why don't
you come with me, huh?

(Carter chuckling)

(clears throat)


You're pretty smart all of
a sudden, aren't you, Pyle?

Hogging the whole lecture.

Well, no, Sergeant,
I'm not any smarter

than any of the
rest of the fellers.

Matter of fact, it's
just the opposite...

I have to work that
much harder at it.

And I have been lately, too...

Studying in the chow line
or on the bus into town.

Well, that's swell, Pyle,
and since you know so much,

you really don't have to
stick around for this lecture.

Oh, I don't mind, Sergeant...
I like to hear you lecture.

Well, an important
detail just came up,

and I wouldn't trust
anybody else with it!

Well, golly, Sergeant!

Now, remember that pile of
sand behind the company office.

Sand pile?

That's right... I
want you to move it.

Put it behind the mess hall.

All right, Sergeant,
but I thought

you wanted me to
do an important detail.

This is an important sand pile...
It has to be moved just right!

Okay, Sergeant, and as soon as
I get finished, I'll come right back

and hear the rest of
your lecture. You just stick

to that sand pile until it's
finished, you hear me, Pyle?

Right, Sergeant. Eh...


Okay... let's pick it
up where I left off.

Uh, look, fellas, why
don't you all swing around

over to that side,
over that way.

(chuckles): That's it.

To proceed to the resumption
of our informal discussion

in regard to the M-1 rifle.

Also known as U.S.
Rifle, Caliber .30, M-1,

the basic weapon of
the Marine infantry unit.

Now, why is it important

for us all to know
about map reading?


the time will come
when you're on patrol,

when each and every one
of you will find it necessary

to know your exact location.

Hey, Sergeant, I'm
finished with sand pile detail.

Well, that's, uh,
wonderful, Pyle.

I'm ready to rejoin the platoon.

Whatcha lecturing about?

uh... Just a minute.

Excuse me, fellas.

Uh, I'll be right back.

Uh, don't change
your positions, now.

Stay right there, don't move.


Pyle, another important
detail just came up.

Another detail?

That's right... a shipment of
mortars just came into supply.

They've got to be uncrated,
cleaned and stacked right away.

Well, golly, Sergeant, that'll
probably take me the rest of the day,

and I won't get to hear
no more of your lectures.

So you won't hear the lectures...
the work has to be done.

Get moving. Right, Sergeant.

Well, get over to
supply right now!

I'm as good as there right
now, Sergeant. Move, move,

move, move, move!

Okay, Dan, I got
it all threaded up.

Come on, let's go take a look.

Oh, I don't know
if I can sit through

another reel of that sergeant.

Well, maybe you'll be surprised.

Come on, let's go.


(shouting cadence)

Oh, brother, he
did it to us again!

Now, wait, wait, watch this.

Is Mr. Curtis around?

Uh, he's in there
watching some film.

I'm Sergeant Carter.


You know... Sergeant Carter?

Oh, uh, you probably haven't
seen them movies, huh?


Well, uh, make sure you catch it

when they get around to
showing it to the enlisted men.



you don't have to interrupt
Mr. Curtis right away.

I don't mind waiting
around a little while.


What do you think,
Dan, is it gonna work?

Work? It's great!
You had a brainstorm!

You certainly pulled
that out of the fire.

Where did you get all
that film on that private?

Well, it seemed like
the only thing left to do.

When I saw our hammy sergeant
giving him all those details,

I decided to follow the
private around and shoot him

being plain and
natural... And it worked!

It certainly did!

Just one thing, Dan...
What happens to our title:

A Day in the Life of
a Marine Sergeant?

Well, instead of A Day in
the Life of a Marine Sergeant,

we have A Day in the
Life of a Marine Private.

(both chuckling)

Do you think it'll
be much longer?

They ought to be
out any minute now.


CARTER: Hello,
Mr. Curtis, Mr. Meadows.

I just dropped by to see
how everything was going.

Oh, well, I'm glad
you did, Sergeant.

Because I was going to call you.

Well, anything I can
help you with, just name it.

Like, uh, pose for
publicity pictures.

Anything, just name it.

Uh, I think I'd better go out

and check on the
equipment in the truck.

I'll see you later.


Uh, well, Sergeant, uh...

I wanted you to know how much

we appreciated your
assistance on this project.

And I know we've imposed
on you a great deal.

Oh, sir, please,
you'll embarrass me.

What else did you
want? Anything!

Yes. Um...

step in here, Sergeant,
where we can be alone.


Hey, Sergeant.

I finished that supply detail.

I done just like you said...
Uncrated all them mortars

and cleaned 'em and
stacked 'em up real neat.

What do you want, a medal?

Gee, no, Sergeant... I
just wanted to tell you

I'm ready for your next lecture.

Forget it! The
lectures are over!

They are?

Well, golly, I'm
sorry I'm so late.

The time just flew by, I guess.

(imitates Gomer): "Time
just flew by, I guess"!

Time always flies by
with you, doesn't it, Pyle?

Well, now that you
mention it, Sergeant...

You are in the United
States Marine Corps,

and there is no place in the
United States Marine Corps

for men who are late!

Where do you think
this country would be

if the Marines came late?

Golly, Sergeant... I'll tell
you where we would be...

In plenty big
trouble, that's where!

But, Sergeant... You
think just because

you took care of
a few extra details,

you're entitled to
special consideration?

Well, no... What do you
want, a schedule all your own

so you can come and go as
you please?! Well, no, Sergeant...

Get out of here and get changed!

I'll tell you what
your next detail is.

Move it! All right, Sergeant...

Did you hear me, Pyle?

Out, out, out,
get out, out, out!


Terrific, Sergeant,
just terrific!

That's more like it, huh? Just
the thing we've been looking for!

Get that film down
to the lab right away.

A camera? You mean
you... That's right,

we filmed every second of it.

You certainly laid the
law down to that private.

But I thought you
were changing it.

I thought you were more
interested in a private.

Not really, Sergeant.

We were interested
in the natural goings on

between a Marine
sergeant and his men.

But you're changing the title...
I mean, from A Day in the Life

of a Sergeant to A Day
in the Life of a Private.

Isn't that what you
said? I can fix that, too.

Huh? I got the perfect title.

A Day in the Life
of a Marine Private

and His Sergeant.

Oh... Oh!


(laughter continues)

Come on, Charlie,
switch the channel.

It's time for the show.

Okay, okay,

but that's the one channel
don't come in good.

Get the show, get the show!

ANNOUNCER: Typical of the
Marines at Camp Henderson...

See? See?

We missed the opening.

Gomer Pyle.

Hey, look, Sergeant, it's me!

Yeah, yeah, shh,
keep it down, Pyle.

This man is molded into a
Marine by such capable veterans

as Sergeant Vincent Carter.

Fix the set,
Charlie, fix the set.

Take it easy... it'll clear up.

Sergeant Carter's
years of experience

make him the ideal instructor

for men like Private Pyle.

It's clear now, Sergeant.
See me? Yeah, yeah.

And now the hand grenade throw

is demonstrated
by Sergeant Carter.

Do you have to
run that thing now?

Turn it off, turn it off!

And Private Pyle
shows that he is

an apt pupil.

And now let's follow

Sergeant Carter
to the rifle range.

I'll fix it myself.

Hey, come on... Leave
me alone, will ya?

Now you did it!

Don't feel so bad, Sergeant.

You can probably
see it next summer.

I'm sure they'll show it again.

(quiet groan)