Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 11 - A Visit from Cousin Goober - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

This past week, Pyle,
you've outdone yourself.

This past week, you
won the booby prize.

Congratulations.

But it's not going to continue.

Do you understand, Pyle?

I have had it with you.

I've had it up to here

with you being
late for roll call.



I've had it up to here with you
not having your shoes shined.

I've had it up to here with
you forgetting your gas mask

during drill. I held
my breath, Sergeant.

I've had it

up to here with you not
having your pants pressed.

I've had it up to
here with you being

the last one out
of the chow hall.

Do you see where I am, Pyle?

You've still got a little
ways to go, thank goodness.

That's right, Pyle, I've
still have a little ways to go,

but one more goof,
and I'm up to here.

And then, Pyle, you
win the grand prize!

The grand prize?

That's right, Pyle.



A transfer to the Aleutians

with no return for three years.

How would you like that, Pyle?

Would you come
along too, Sergeant?

No, I would not come, too.

As a matter of fact,
you'd probably be

the only one there, Pyle.

I would see to it.

You get your thermal
underwear, your "C" rations,

and there you are, all
alone in the Aleutians.

Alone?

Alone! Alone!

Just one more goof,
Pyle, just one more goof.

So I leave you with
two little words...

Watch it! Just watch it!

Now, as you were.

All right!

Now, you people have ten minutes

to get ready for that hike.

I don't mean 11 minutes.

I don't mean ten
and a half minutes.

I mean ten minutes.

Now, start getting
your gear together.

Do you hear, Pyle?

That means you, too!

All right!

Ten-hut!

Dismissed!

Hey, what's the matter, Gomer?

You really got the
sergeant going there.

Yeah, man, he really laid it on.

Well, there wasn't
no point going into it.

Going into what?

The fact is, I got some
personal problems

that's been bothering me.

I know that's no
excuse, but that's it.

Well, Gomer, what
personal problems?

My cousin Goober.

Your cousin Goober?

He's the one that took my place

at Wally's filling station
back in Mayberry.

He's a real nice feller.

He can take a car apart
and put it back together

right before your eyes.

Well, what about him?

Well, I got this letter
from him last week.

It seems that he and
Wally had this falling out

and he was thinking
about quitting.

So what's the big
deal about that?

He'll get another job.

Well, where would he go?

Wally's is the only
filling station in Mayberry.

And, I kind of feel
responsible for Goober.

I talked Wally into
letting him take my place.

And I been thinking
about it, and worrying,

and I guess that's the reason

I hadn't been
doing my best work.

Well, listen, we'd
better get outside.

Gomer, get your stuff together.

Now, come on.

CARTER: Come on, hurry it up!

Let's go, let's go!

Come on, Gomer, hurry up.

Let's look alive!

Come on, Gomer. You
don't want to be late, pal.

Yeah, you don't want to
go to the Aleutians, do you?

You don't think
he'd do that, do you?

Send me to the
Aleutians by myself?

Well, why test
him? Now, get going.

I'll be right with you.

Hey, Gomer, look who's here.

(chuckles)

For goodness' sakes!

Goober! For goodness' sake!

Hey, cousin, boy,
is it good to see you!

Hey, Gomer, let me
take a look at you.

Why, you're
pretty as a cat-bird.

I hardly knowed ya.

You must've growed an
inch, and you filled out.

Whoo-eee! What do you say,
cousin? How you makin' it?

What are you doin' here, Goober?

Well, you got my
letter, didn't ya?

Well, I done it, quit Wally,
just like I said I would.

Dropped my tools
and just took off.

Felt like takin' a
trip, so here I am.

Hey, Goober, listen...

Boy, this is a real
nice place, ain't it?

Whew.

So, this is the Marine Corps.

Hey, what's that in there?

CARTER: All right, you people!

Move it! Move it!

That's my locker.

Listen, Goober, civilians
ain't allowed back here.

Hey, look at that, a
green one and a blue one.

These yours, too?

They're all mine,
Goober. Listen!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

What brought you
all the way out here?

The bus. One of
them two-story ones,

air-cooled and it went
fast... (mimics engine revving)

Listen, Goober,
you can't stay here.

Hey, Gomer, come
on. You're going...

Who's that?

This is Goober.

Goober!

Cousin Goober. You remember,

I was telling you about him.

Gomer, if you don't
get to... It's Goober.

Goober.

Hey, Gomer, are these
some of your buddies?

Uh-huh. It's Frankie and Duke.

Hey, Frankie. Hey, Duke.

You sure look sassy
in them uniforms.

How did you get on
the base, Goober?

I walked in. Yeah,
well, what about

the sentry at the gate?
Didn't he try to stop you?

I don't reckon he seen me.

He was talking to
another feller at the time.

You shouldn't have done that.

Done what?

Gomer, look, you better
get him out of here.

Having a civilian
in the barracks...

That could be big trouble,
and you can't afford it

You know that.

That's right. Look, Goober.

You shouldn't be here.

I mean, I'm glad
to see you and all,

but civilians ain't allowed

to visit the base
without permission.

That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

Oh. Well, I'm not just
visiting; I might stay.

What?

That's right. I'm gonna
have me a look around.

If I like what I see, I'll
stay and be a Marine.

Shoot, why not? I'm
free as a bird right now.

Gomer, you better get
him out of the barracks.

Look, Gomer, take
him out the back,

and you better get ready
for the hike. Now, go ahead.

Come on, Gomer, hurry
up. We'll take your gear

and meet you out front.

Come on, Goober,
we better go outside.

Goober, you must a got
the wrong idea somewhere.

You can't just try the Marines.

Well, why not? That's the
way I started with Wally.

I had a five-day trial period.

(whistle blowing)

Oh, my gosh, I got to go. Where?

On a hike.

Hike? Can I come, too?

No. As a matter of fact,
you got to get off this base.

Now, look. The back
gate is right over there.

You go out, and go on into
town and get you a room

at the Hotel Agnes, and
I'll come see you later.

Sure I can't come on the hike?

You're not gonna have
a picnic, too, are you?

Please, Goober, you
got to do what I say.

I gotta go. I'll
see you in town.

Don't forget, the Hotel Agnes.

It's real nice. They
got a TV in the lobby.

(whistle blowing)

CARTER: All
right, fall in! Fall in!

Come on, move it! Move it!

On the double!

Hey-up! Hey!

Forward... march!

Left and left
and left, left, left!

And Left!

Left and left,

and left, left, left and left!

Left and left and
left, left, left, and left!

(sighs)

Left and left and
left, left, left, and left!

305-L.

12 bunks, no empties.

22 bunks, no empties.

What's your name?

Pyle. What's yours?

Swanson... never mind that!

What are you doing here
all alone in these barracks?

Uh, the rest of the
fellers went off on a hike.

I wanted to go, but
they wouldn't take me.

Confined to barracks.

That's no surprise.

Pyle, how do you
explain that uniform?

You mean it don't fit?

Well, I can explain that...

I mean the shoes!

The shoes!

Oh, these?

Well, I wear 'em 'cause
they're comfortable.

My others hurt me
across the instep...

You're on report, Pyle.

Hands in pockets, out of
uniform, unmilitary conduct.

Pyle, you stay right here.

Don't you leave these
barracks, you understand?

But get out of those shoes!

Yes, sir. I mean now!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Left and left and
left, left, left, and left!

Platoon halt!

Left face!

Dismissed.

For goodness' sakes,
are you still here?

And what are you
doing in that uniform?

Hey, Gomer, y'all think I
make a good-looking Marine?

♪ From the halls of Montezuma ♪

♪ To the shores of... ♪

What's the name
of that other place?

Goober, you got
to get out of here.

No, I can't do that.

Fella come by here and
told me to stay right here,

and he sounded
real serious, too.

A fella? What fella was that?

Well, he was about this
big, sounded important,

kind of bossy, had a little
shiny thing on each collar.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it,

but there's his
name... Private Pyle.

Look at this report.

Hands in pockets,
unmilitary conduct,

wearing brown and white shoes.

Brown and white shoes?

Oh, he's asking for it.

He's just asking for it.

So you see, Goober,
you can't stay here.

It's against the rules,

and that's one thing
about the Marines,

they set a great store by rules.

Well, I don't want to
discommode you any, Gomer,

but how am I ever gonna
find out if I want to be a Marine

if I can't try it out?

Because, Goober, in
the Marines, we always...

Hey!

Here comes Sergeant Carter.

Gomer, get him out of here,
get him out of here right now.

I knew this'd happen,
I knew it'd happen.

Wait outside, Goober, quick.

Pyle! Pyle!

Where's Pyle?

Right here, Sergeant.

Pyle, tell me it ain't true.

Hey.

I took them off
just like you said.

This is more than a
simple case of misconduct.

You know what I think, Smith?

The psychiatrist?

Pyle, how would you
like to go for a little ride

with us?

You mean in there, in your jeep?

That's right.

GOOBER: Well, that
sure is nice of you.

I always did want to
ride in one of them.

Later on, you wouldn't think

about letting me
drive it, would you?

Well, uh, maybe, maybe.

Come on, get in.

Do you know, I can
take one of these apart

and put it back together
again right before your eyes.

Step on it, Smith.

This time, you have
backed me to the wall.

There's only one thing
left for me to do now.

I'm going to talk
to the colonel.

You might as well start packing,

because you are
on borrowed time.

Gomer, what's the
matter with you?

Why didn't you tell
him about Goober?

Oh, I couldn't do that.

Goober could get
into awful trouble,

more trouble than me even.

After all, he's just a civilian.

Well, let's get him in here,

get him in his civvies,
and get him off the base.

Come on.

Goober? Goober?

He's gone.

Goober!

ALL: Goober!

Goober!

Goober!

Well, somewhere on this base
there's a wandering Goober,

and since his last name is Pyle,

you're going to get all the
credit for anything he does.

Well, maybe he
went back into town.

Well, I hope so, but
he didn't say nothing

about going into town.

Well, look, wherever
he is, it's not good.

Don't forget he's
got that uniform on.

Gomer, if I were you,
I'd tell Sergeant Carter.

Just level with him.

I can't, Duke, I just can't.

Goober's my own kin.

He could get in real
big, serious trouble.

But Gomer, what about you?

Lieutenant Swanson
tells me you were

outside the barracks
in your stocking feet.

That's right.

You want to tell me about it?

Well, what for?
You already know.

What I mean is: why were you
outside in your stocking feet?

'Cause I didn't
have my shoes on.

Uh, tell me, Pyle, uh,

how do you feel
about being a Marine?

Well, that's a good question.

To tell you the truth,
I don't know yet.

I mean, I might
just decide to stay,

and then again, I
might just take off.

Uh-huh.

Pyle, do you have

any dreams you can remember,
perhaps one that recurs?

Say it again.

I mean a dream you've
had more than once.

Oh. Yeah, there's this one
dream I've had lots of times.

It's just awful. Good.

Tell me about it.

Well, there's this great
big gas pump, see?

And I'm pumping away, and
these bells get louder and louder.

Bong-bong, bong-bong.

It's enough to drive a
person right out of their mind.

Bong-bong?

That's right, you got it.

Well, that'll be
all for now, Pyle.

Why don't you just go right
on back to the barracks.

You mean that place over there
where the lieutenant picked me up?

That's right. Why don't
you just go back there

and take it easy for
the rest of the day.

Well, okay.

Uh, would it be all right
if I take off my socks?

If I walk all the
way back like this,

it'll wear out the heels of 'em.

Sure, sure, you can
take off your socks.

(chuckling): Thanks.

It's sure been real
nice talking to you.

You're a real good listener.

Sir, you know what
it sounds like to me?

It sounds like Pyle has flipped.

No, no, no, I wouldn't
put it that way, Sergeant.

But there does seem to be some
evidence of a personality conflict.

Sir? Well, I'd rather not
make a hasty diagnosis,

but Pyle does appear
to have some signs

of a double personality.

How do you like that?

I never thought he had
any personality at all.

What I'm saying, Sergeant, is
that this can get quite bizarre.

Now, there's a
conflict of interest,

a struggle of
incompatible desires.

On the one hand, the striving
toward normal behavior.

On the other hand, a
deviating toward the bizarre.

You understand that, Sergeant?

Yes, sir. Pyle is a bizarre.

What I'm saying, Sergeant,

is that Pyle has
within him a struggle

between the good
marine and the bad marine.

Now, it'll be a day or two

before I can get out
separation orders.

In the meantime,
go easy with him.

Yes, sir, of course.

Uh, does he know yet?

No, he doesn't.

Well, sir, do you think
maybe I should tell him?

I mean, we've been
together since boot camp.

That's a good
idea... I think it'll be

the best way of handling
it. Yes, sir, I'll be glad to.

How do you like that?

Pyle, a bizarre.

Well, Pyle, we've been together

for quite a while
now, haven't we?

One year, three
weeks, and two days!

Yeah. And you've
got a lot to be proud of.

You made private
first class in a year...

That's nothing to sneeze at.

Who knows, after a little while,

you may be able to come back.

Back? Back from where?

Listen, Pyle, I don't
know how to tell you this,

but it looks like you're
gonna be leaving here.

You mean to the Aleutians?

Oh, no, not the Aleutians.

I didn't mean that...
That was just a threat.

I mean... well,
the fact is, Pyle,

we're gonna be sending you home.

Home? That's right.

But I've been watching
it, Sergeant, honest I have.

I was the first one out of
the chow hall this afternoon.

No no, no, no, no, no.

It isn't that, Pyle.

I mean... it ain't a question
of simple little goofs anymore.

It's... the funny things.

I mean, when a marine begins

to wear brown and white
shoes with his uniform, Pyle,

well, let's face it,
it's time to bid adieu.

Huh?

That's "good-bye" in Italian.

Some of us can be marines,
and some of us can't.

It's as simple as that.

So just feel proud of the fact

that you were in for a year.

Well, good-bye, Pyle.

Well, golly, listen, Sergeant,

I got to tell you something.

I wasn't gonna say nothing,
but if it means my leaving

the Marines, well, I just
can't protect him any longer.

Protect him? Protect who?

Goober. Goober?

That's right.

See, it wasn't me that
done all them bad things

that you think I done;
it was him, Goober.

You mean it wasn't you with
your hands in your pockets?

Uh-uh, it was Goober. And it wasn't
you with brown and white shoes?

Uh-uh. It was... Goober?

That's right... but you
don't have to worry,

Sergeant, I got rid of him.

I finally convinced him
he had to get off the base.

Oh, I see. So is
everything all right now?

I mean, I don't have to
get out of the Marines?

You understand about
Goober. Oh, yes, I understand.

Then everything's
okay! Everything's terrific.

Now, you just go back to the
barracks and take it easy, rest.

And you ain't mad at Goober?

'Cause he didn't
know no better. Oh, no.

I'm not mad at Goober at all.

(chuckles)

You see, Sergeant,
it fits exactly

into what we were
talking about earlier today.

He makes up this
fictitious character

in order to help him
out of his troubles. Sir?

Well, it's simple; it's
like with a small child.

They need the
approval of their parents,

so that when they
do something bad,

they make up an imaginary
character to take the blame.

If they break a window, it's
the bad Georgie that did it.

If they run a hose in Daddy's
car, it's the bad Donald.

You understand,
Sergeant? Yes, sir.

But that's with kids.

Well, don't forget, as
his sergeant, you're taking

the place of his
mother and father.

Especially now.

I didn't know it was that bad.

Well, frankly, I didn't, either.

I'll speed up his orders.

Meantime, you try to
keep him on an even keel.

You mean it can get worse?

You can never tell.

Remember, be nice, be pleasant,

and if there are any
sudden changes,

get in touch with
me immediately.

Yes, sir.

Goober...

(overlapping snoring)

Gomer! Hmm.

Hey, Gomer.

Goober. What are you doing here?

I thought you was at the hotel.

I was gonna come
see you tomorrow.

Well, I went, but you know what
they wanted just to sleep there?

$4.50.

Could I stay here tonight?

But I told Sergeant
Carter you was in town.

Well, just for tonight.

I'll be out of here first
thing in the morning.

The Marines ain't
gonna work for me.

Too many people
hollering at you.

But, Goober, you
ain't allowed here.

It's bad enough during
the day, but at night...

I could stretch out
under your bunk.

How about it, Gomer?

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll just go get Sergeant Carter

and tell him the truth.

I'll tell him that you're here

and you ain't got no
place to sleep. Shh.

Maybe he'll understand.

He's a very understanding man.

You just wait right here.

Well, ask him how he'd
like to spend $4 and half

to sleep someplace one night.

(knock at door)

Pyle, uh, what's the matter?

Well, I thought I'd better
tell you, Goober's back.

Oh, he is?

Uh-huh, and he hadn't
got no place to sleep.

Oh?

He said he'd like to
sleep under my bunk

but I thought I'd better
check with you first.

Yeah? Sleep under your bunk?

Well, why you don't you do that?

You let him sleep
under your bunk.

That's all right.

Are you sure?

Why not?

I told him what an
understanding fellow you were,

and you are, Sergeant Carter.

Yeah, well, good night, Pyle.

You just go back to bed, huh?

Thank you, Sergeant.

Sure. Sure.

Doctor? Sergeant Carter.

Pyle was just in here.

He says the other
fella's back again.

The one that does
all the bad things.

I think he's really gone.

Maybe you'd better
get right over here.

Goober?

♪ ♪

Sergeant Carter.

Oh, Dr. Reiner, sir.

Is he inside?

Yes, sir, I think so, sir.

Okay, Sergeant, everything's
going to be all right.

Now, what bunk does he sleep in?

Number six on the left.

All right. Do you
want me to go in, sir?

No, you wait out here.

Yes, sir.

Pyle. Huh.

Pyle.

Who is it?

It's me, Dr. Reiner.

Oh, hey, Doctor.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

I was dreaming about
them gas pumps again.

Bong, bong, bong, bong.

Sergeant Carter.

Pyle! What are
you doing out here?

Well, you see,
Goober took my bunk,

and I didn't know
where to sleep.

Oh... Oh, uh...

Well, look, Pyle, since
you're going to be leaving...

Leaving?

I ain't leaving. I know, I know.

But when you do leave,
I just wanted to tell you

that it's been nice
knowing you and that, uh...

that, uh... Put it there, Pyle.

Shake!

Hey, Doc! I got him!
Out here! Out here!

What is it, Sergeant?

I got him! I got Pyle!

What do you mean you've
got Pyle? I've got Pyle!

Huh? Hey, Gomer.

You can have your bunk back now.

This feller says he's
got a nice bed for me.

Who's that?

Well, that's Goober,

the feller I been
telling you about.

He's my cousin.

(clicks through
teeth) Hey, Sergeant.

Then who's that?

Private First Class
Gomer Pyle, sir.

You mean there is a Goober?

A real Goober?

Well, sure, Sergeant, I
told you about him twice.

There is a Goober?

There is a Goober!

How do you like that?

There is a Goober!

There is a Goober!

(laughing): There is a Goober.

Listen, uh, Sergeant Carter.

How do you like that!
Listen, Sergeant Carter,

I think you'd better
come with me.

I'll find a place for you
to sleep tonight, too...

But there is a Goober.
Yes, yes, there is.

There is a Goober.

All right! There is a Goober.

There is a Goober!

"So, all in all, things
is pretty good."

"I don't regret making
the trip to see you,

"because sometimes it
takes some scouting around

"to find that happiness
is in your own backyard

"or filling station,
as the case may be."

"Ha-ha.

"Say hey to all the boys and
especially to Sergeant Carter.

"Yours very truly,
Cousin Goober.

"P.S., Hope you like
the present I sent you.

They had a sale
over at Weaver's."

I wonder what it is.

Oh... ain't that sweet?

That Goober.

How do you know
they'll fit, Gomer?

Let's see.

They feel just fine.

All right, you people, now,
I want every one of you to...