Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 30 - Gomer the M.P. - full transcript

Gomer gets assigned to MP duty.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
It's really somethin'

bein' a sergeant,
ain't it, Sergeant?

Yeah. Two down, three up.

How long did it take
you to get them?

Fourteen years.

About as long as it's taking
you to clean this room.

Is that what you wanted to be



ever since you was a little
boy, Sergeant? A sergeant?

No, I wanted to be President,

but they don't get
to wear a uniform,

so I settled for sergeant.

It's kind of a shame you
didn't go into politics at that.

You're friendly, you're
honest, you're clever...

Knock it off! You got
a good speakin' voice.

Do your work.
I'll be right back.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Duty hut, Second Platoon.
Private Pyle speakin'.

No, sir, I'm just as
sorry as I can be,

but he just stepped out.

Could I tell him who's callin'?

Lieutenant Petersen?



Uh, yes, sir.

He just stepped
out, just for a minute.

Be glad to, sir.

Uh, "None of the
platoon is to go on liberty.

"Special assignment."

Hey, could you hold
on just a tiny bit, sir,

uh, while I find a pencil
to write this down with?

Sir?

"Sergeant Carter's to report to
the Colonel's office on the double."

Well, if you can wait just a
half second while I write this...

Hello?

Hello?

Uh, "None of the
platoon is to go on liberty.

"Special assignment.

"The Colonel's
office on the double."

"None of the platoon
is to go on liberty.

"Special assignment.
Colonel's office on the double."

"None of the platoon
is to go on liberty.

"Special assignment.
Colonel's office on the double."

"None of the platoon
is to go on liberty.

"Special assignment."

Pyle!

"Special..."

Clear out of here! I want to
catch the first liberty bus into town.

"On the double."

There. I just had to write
things down. It's easy to forget.

Your mind can
play tricks on you.

'Course with you,
it's probably different.

With your trainin',
14 years and all,

you can remember real good,

but I still have to
write things down.

Otherwise I forget it
right the next minute.

Pyle. Yes, Sergeant?

Will you get out of here?
I'm on my way now, Sergeant.

I done what you told me
to. I minded the phones.

Of course, you was
gone such a short time

and there was only the one call.

Yeah. What was it?

Oh, I got it all wrote
down here for you.

Only thing was,

I couldn't remember whether to
spell Lieutenant Petersen's name

with an S-E-N or an S-O-N.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Petersen, Lieutenant Petersen? What
was that about Lieutenant Petersen?

Oh, well, it was just that I didn't
know how to spell his name,

S-E-N or S-O-N.

I put down S-E-N.

What's the matter, Sergeant,
was it supposed to be S-O-N?

Did he call here?
Lieutenant Petersen?

What did he want?
What was the message?

Well, it's all wrote
down over here.

Huh? Gimme that.

Who can read this?

Let me see.

"Some of the platoon..."

No. That's "None of
the platoon is taga..."

Taga? What's a taga?

Oh, that's "to go".

That's funny, I
thought that said...

What else, what else?

"None of the
platoon is to go on..."

What's that word right there?

How do I know? You wrote it.

Oh, I got it.

"None of the platoon
is to go on liberty.

"Special assignment,

"and you're to report to the
Colonel's office on the bubble."

Double! Double.

That's it. That's the message.

You never did tell me, Sergeant.

Was it S-E-N or S-O-N?

Will you get out of here?

That's the situation, Sergeant.

There are a lot of men
ashore from the Fleet Marines.

So, we're assigning your
platoon as extra military police.

Yes, sir. They'll do street
duty in town this morning

and relieve the gate and security
details on the base this afternoon.

We want the town and entire
military installation shaped up.

4-0 on appearance
and military courtesy.

I'm sure my visit
will tell me a lot.

At ease. I hope so, sir.

Oh, Mr. Horton, this
is Lieutenant Petersen.

Mr. Horton is special counsel,

here from Washington
for a little look-see.

How are you, Petersen?
Nice to meet you, sir.

Could we provide an escort
for you, sir, some transportation?

No, I'd like to
prowl around alone,

find out what's really
going on around here.

Oh, I won't be able to join
you for lunch today, Colonel.

I have an invitation
from the Army Club.

Great bunch.

I served in the
Army myself, 124th.

Great outfit.

A good background for my work

with the Military
Appropriations Committee.

Yes, sir, a great outfit.

Yes, sir. I'll, uh, see
you later, Colonel.

That'll be all, Sergeant.

But remember,

I want this town and this base
policed like it's never been.

I understand, sir. Everything
will be 4-0 right down the line, sir.

Ain't it lovely?

Here we are, girls, secret
agents double-o zero.

How do we rate all these
choice assignments?

Well, it's just for one day.

Yeah, some day they picked!

The streets full of
them guys from the fleet.

And after eight months at sea,

they just love to have
some MP remind them

to keep their shirts buttoned
and their tie clips straight.

They're real sweet about it.

(IMITATING FIGHT SOUNDS)

All right, you
people, listen up!

Now, I told you I wanted
things shaped up, so hop to it.

I don't wanna see
one Marine in this town

stepping that much out of line.

Uh, Peters, Swanson, Matthews,

you take the
downtown liberty district.

Okay, uh, Gottschalk,
you take Center Street.

Slater, Warton Avenue.
Pyle, Bristol Street.

You do know where
Bristol Street is?

Yes, sir, I sure do, Sergeant.

That's where they got
and them bowling alleys

and penny arcades
and dance halls.

I always try to
avoid that street

whenever I'm in town on liberty.

Some of the folks that you
meet there ain't too respectable.

Well, we'll see you, Sergeant.

Hold it!

Gottschalk!

You take Bristol. Pyle, you
get, uh, Palmdale Avenue.

Right, Sergeant.

Hold it!

Palmdale, isn't
that where, uh...

Girlie shows, tattoo
parlors, pool hall.

Now, there's a street that's
just full of sin, Sergeant.

Slater, you got Palmdale, too.

Pyle, you move over
to, uh, Beacon Street!

What's on Beacon? Gin joints.

Now, that's another evil street.

Evil, evil, evil.

Gottschalk, you got Beacon.

(GROANS)

Ah! See here, Pyle? There's
the perfect street for you,

only two blocks long, and
right in back of us here.

Woodlawn Lane. Anything on it?

Too close to the MP
Station, no action at all.

Perfect! There's your
assignment, Pyle!

All two blocks of Woodlawn Lane!

Walk up, walk down.

Just make sure it doesn't
explode into violence.

I'll do my best, Sergeant.

Fine! I wouldn't trust
Woodlawn Lane to anyone else.

Now, don't leave it, and
report back to me at noon.

Right, Sergeant.

Well, here you are, Gome.

I sure wish you was
stayin' with me, Duke.

I don't know a thing
one about MP-ing.

It's no trouble. You've
seen 'em workin' before.

I never took no notice.

The only lawman I ever knew

was Sheriff Andy
Taylor back home.

Same thing, just
be firm, be tough.

Tough? But Andy
Taylor wasn't tough.

He's real nice.

Matter of fact, folks was always
talkin' on how nice he was.

Okay, be nice. It doesn't matter

there's no action
around here anyway.

I sure would feel a
whole lot better though

if somebody was to tell
me what I'm supposed to do.

Just make sure the guys are
neat and behave themselves.

Oh, and, uh, make sure
they've washed behind their ears.

You ain't gonna start pullin'
my leg, are you, Duke?

(LAUGHING) You'll
be all right. Just relax.

Hey, fellers.

Psst. Psst.

It's 1:00 in the button factory.

I'm a military policeman,

and I'm supposed
to tell you fellers

about things like collar
buttons, things like that.

Fact is, you're kind
of my first customers.

Oh, you're a military policeman?

Uh-huh. That's what it says
here, military policeman.

Or, it would say that
if there was room,

so they just kind of
boiled it down to initials.

(LAUGHING)

And, uh, this is your
first day on the job, right?

Right. How'd you know that?

Well, you see, that's our duty,

to go around town
checking on the MPs

to make sure they do a good job.

That's right, pal.
We're checkers.

Checkers, huh?

Is that kind of like
comparison shoppers?

Exactly.

I think the Private here is
doin' well. What do you think?

Not bad. Not bad at all.

But, uh, there were
a couple of things.

Well, we could give him a break.

It's his first day on the
job. We could excuse him.

If you really think so.

What is it, fellers? Am I doin'
somethin' wrong? Please tell me.

We're not supposed to tell you.

We're here to grade you
and then we make a report.

Come on, I sure
would appreciate it.

Well, okay.

Just this once.

Uh, first thing, the armband.

Is it wrong?

Is it wrong? He don't
know. He don't know.

How did they ever let you out
in the street with it upside down?

Upside...

Yeah. It's got to be
turned the other way. Sure.

So when you put your
arm up, people can read it.

Sure. And that gun belt.

Oh, is it wrong, too?

He don't know. He don't know.

He just don't know. Look, the
gun belt is supposed to be worn

down on the hips
close to the thigh,

so you're ready
for a quick draw.

Like John Wayne does
in The Fighting Seabees.

Sure, pal.

Well, I don't know about that.

I kept askin' them, but
wouldn't nobody tell me.

And that hat.

Is that wrong, too?

BOTH: He don't know.

That hat. What do you
think that strap is for?

It's gotta be worn
underneath the chin,

in case a windstorm comes by.

Sure, see, it won't
blow off that way.

And one more thing. This weapon.

This is a concealed weapon,

and is usually carried
inside the pant leg.

Like that.

But Duke and all them
others, they's carryin' theirs.

You wanna look better than they
do, don't you? Now let me look at you.

Now you look like something.
Don't he look better?

100% improvement.

We, uh, we got to give
this kid a good grade.

He's a livin' doll. I think
we picked a winner.

They said they was checkers,

but I think that they
was pullin' tricks.

What a mean thing.
What a mean thing to do.

Is this one of your
men, Sergeant? Yes, sir.

Didn't I make myself
clear this morning?

Yes, sir. Then what is this?

You don't seem very anxious
to keep those stripes, Sergeant.

What a mean thing.
What a mean thing to do.

I'm sorry as I can be, Sergeant,
but them fellers, they seemed like...

I know, I know!

The thing is, we gotta
keep you under wraps

for the rest of the day!

Hey, maybe you can just stay
in and answer the phone, huh?

Hey, that's a good idea.
I can do that real good.

I'll do just like I done
this mornin', remember?

I'll take your calls,
and I'll write 'em down...

That's out!

The brig! Guard
duty at the brig!

I can do that real
good, too, Sergeant.

You can bet your
bottom dollar that those

prisoners won't escape
while I'm watchin' 'em.

Out, out! That's out!

The back gate.

It's quiet, it's
remote, it's isolated.

It's perfect.

I got the perfect spot
for you. Come on.

Yes, sir, Sergeant. Anywhere
you want to put me. I'll just go there.

Any business? Nobody's
come through all afternoon.

Perfect. You're
relieved. All right, Pyle.

Now take to duty here.
Stand guard until 1700.

Then secure with that lock and
report back to me. Is that clear?

As clear as can be. You
don't have to write it down?

No. Just say it one more time.

Secure at 1700, but until then,

nobody gets in unless
he has an ID card, nobody.

And anybody gets out of line,

you simply do a raised pistol

and you take them to the brig.

Now, it's that simple, Pyle.

All right, let's see how you do.

I'm comin' in.

You just come right
ahead, Sergeant.

You're welcome as
can be, you know that.

No, no, no! You
don't know me! I don't?

You don't know anybody. You don't
have friends, you don't know faces.

You only have eyes
for this little card.

You don't let a
single human being

on this base without this card.

Well, what if... Repeat, nobody
through this gate without a card.

With a card, in.
Without, out. Right.

Right. Now, look, Pyle.

This is the easiest
post on the entire base.

Don't foul up! I still wanna
have these tomorrow.

Right, Sergeant.

Okay.

Halt! What are you doing?

Nobody passes through here.

What?

You just told me I
don't know you, so halt.

That was a test.

I said you don't let anybody
through without a card, this card!

Right. Pass, friend.

(GROANS)

ID card, please. What's that?

You have to have an ID card.

I have an appointment
with Colonel Gray.

Makes no difference.
It's not friends or faces,

it's just that itty-bitty card.

Well, I don't have a card,
but I do have an appointment.

Now, if you don't mind...

I... I'm sorry, sir,
but orders is orders.

This is absurd.

I am Brewster Horton,

special counsel from
Washington on assignment.

Now, does that satisfy you?

You still have to
have a Marine ID card.

Do you mean to say
that you're actually

going to stand there
and not let me through?

That's right, sir. Not without
that card, my sergeant said.

I don't have friends,
and I don't know faces.

Nothing personal, sir.

I'm sure if we met under happier
circumstances, we'd be friends.

Now, look here...

And while I don't
know your face now,

next time we meet, I'll know it.

It's a big, friendly face.

Matter of fact, you sort of
favor my uncle Ernest Bergin.

Well, if you'll excuse me, sir,

I've got to secure
this gate, anyhow.

Halt! I'm going in!

(COCKING)

Oh, no! You wouldn't!
I told you who I am!

What you are is my prisoner.

Sorry, but you'll have to
move along, so move along.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, sir, we do have one of
the men from your ship. Huh?

Uh, yes, sir.

Well, uh, as soon as you can send
some men over to call for him, sir.

Yes, sir. Get him out of here!

Uh, Commander?

This is the most ridiculous MP
I've ever been in contact with!

Don't you tell me what I
can and what I can't do!

Somebody shut that joker up!

Put him in number four!

I'm sorry, sir, not you.

I demand that Colonel
Gray be notified immediately!

Believe me, when
he hears of this,

there is going to be trouble!

Well, I'm as sorry as I
can be about this, sir.

But the Sergeant here said it won't
take long. Would you like somethin'?

Yes! Your name!

It's Gomer Pyle.

"Pyle" rhymes with "file".
Makes it easy to remember.

Believe me, I won't forget it.

Yes, sir. We'll do that,
Commander. Yes, sir.

Well, Pyle, did you get
that back gate secured?

Uh-huh. I done exactly
like you said, Sergeant.

If it hadn't been
for this one feller...

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Brig, Sergeant Carter.

Brig, Sergeant Carter.

This is Colonel Gray, Sergeant.
We're waiting for Mr. Horton.

He's here on some
assignment from Washington.

Check all gates and let me
know if he's returned to the base.

Yes, sir.

Get me the front gate.

Like I said, Sergeant,
there was only this one feller

that tried to crash through.

He didn't even
have on a uniform.

Seemed kind of nervy to me.

This is Carter here. Has
Mr. Horton come through there?

Horton? Horton?

Well, let me know the minute
he does. Give me the West Gate.

I can't imagine why
he'd do a thing like that.

He's a growed man, too.
Had on a nice blue serge suit.

He's a big fellow with
a big, friendly face.

Uh, this is Sergeant Carter. Has
Mr. Horton come through there?

Well, check it, will you?

I wasn't takin' no chances
on you losin' them stripes,

so I took him back there
and I clanged the door shut.

He hasn't, huh?

Well, let me know when he does.

Yeah.

Can't you see I'm busy?

Will you beat it?
You're off duty.

Yes, Sergeant.

Gimme the Colonel's office.

All right, I'll wait!

Grown man... Blue serge suit...

Big fella with a
big, friendly face.

In there?

Clanged shut?

GRAY ON PHONE: Hello? Hello?
Is someone there? Hello? Hello?

Uh, Colonel?

Mr. Horton's on the base.

No, sir, not exactly.

He's here.

Well, I had to do somethin'.

He come bargin' through that
gate like he owned this place.

Don't you understand,
Pyle? He does!

(GROANS)

You wouldn't lock up
another Marine or a sailor

or a soldier or even
a second lieutenant.

No, not you!

You gotta pull a pistol
and take on a big shot!

What do you think will happen?

Well, he's up there with
the Colonel right now.

I dare say your
name will come up.

Offhand, I would say

your next 50 or 60
years in the Marine Corps

will not be fun and games.

In fact, you'll
probably be an old man

before you get off KP.

You might be the
first private in history

to make the garbage
detail his life's work!

Gosh, what'll I do?

I don't know,
Pyle. I really don't.

All I can say is,

if the idea of desertion
ever crossed your mind,

you'll never find a
better time to look into it.

Shoot, it can't be that bad.

Oh, can't it?

They're gonna get you up there,

they're gonna work you over,

and when you come out, you're
gonna be the most chewed-up...

(RINGING)

Duty hut, Sergeant Carter.

Yes, sir, he's here.

Right away, sir.

Was it... The Colonel.

He wants to see
you on the double.

Well, I guess this is it.

Mmm-hmm.

Could you go with me?

I'm gonna be busy here.

I was the sergeant
in charge, remember?

I'm gonna be busy
taking off these stripes.

Pyle?

I do have one suggestion.

If they offer you a
cigarette and a blindfold,

take 'em both.

I have been on many military
installations in my career,

but I have never
been subjected to...

(RINGING)

Yes?

Send him in.

That's the man!

Hey, sir.

Private Pyle reportin'
as ordered, sir.

He's the one, all right.

Well, I don't know what you're
going to do in this situation, Colonel,

but I can tell you what
the Army would do.

I'll handle it, sir.

Good.

Pyle, do you have
any idea what you did?

Yes, sir. Uh, I mean, no, sir.

Then let me make
the situation quite clear.

In fact, I'll tell you
exactly what you did.

A very important, influential
man from Washington

asked to enter this base.

You were on duty.

You followed regulations,
you carried out orders,

and conducted yourself
in a military manner.

Well done, Private.

You're dismissed.

Dis... Dismissed?

All right. All right, Colonel!

You've made your little speech.

Now do you know
what I'm going to do?

I am going to go
back to Washington...

Yes, sir, you're going
back to Washington

and you're going to
tell them that when they

take security measures
at Camp Henderson,

they really take them.

Why, even an official from
Washington can't get through

without proper identification.

You can't ask for
tighter security than that.

Isn't that what you're
going to tell them?

Well, I... Well...

I mean, that should really
please them back there.

These strict
precautionary measures.

You're dismissed, Private.

Then I'm not really
in any trouble?

Golly!

I can't wait to get back
and tell Sergeant Carter.

I won't even know
how to explain it to him.

You just tell him what I said.

That you followed
regulations, carried out orders,

and conducted yourself
in a military manner.

"Followed regulations,
carried out orders,

"conducted myself
in a military manner."

What's the matter? Do you happen
to have a pencil and some paper?

It's my memory.

GOMER: Sergeant!

Wait till you hear!
Wait till you hear!

(STAMMERING) What
are you doing here?

You'll never guess
in a million years!

(STAMMERING) What are you
doing here? Why aren't you in the brig?

You'll never guess
in a million years!

This is gonna come
as a real surprise to you!

What? What... What happened?
What'd the Colonel say?

Wait till you hear,
Sergeant. Wait till you hear.

Pyle, what did he say?

Oh, uh...

It's a good thing
I wrote it down.

He said I followed regulations
and carried out orders

and conducted myself
in a military manner.

Are you kidding?

He bragged on me
and said, "Dismissed."

Well, how about that, huh? Huh?

(LAUGHING)

The old man's okay, huh?

He backed you up
against the big brass.

Guess you don't have to worry
about them stripes now, neither.

Hey! That's right!

(LAUGHING)

I told him what you
done, too, Sergeant.

Hey you did, huh? You
put in a plug for me, huh?

You told him I was the
one that instructed you

on the rules and regulations?

(LAUGHING)

I told him what you said.

How this never would have
happened if it had been you.

That you would have let
that man in without an ID card.

Uh, what did he say to that?

Oh, I wrote that down, too.

"Sergeant Carter will not
go on liberty next weekend.

"He will report for MP Duty,

"checking ID cards
at the back gate

"all day Saturday and Sunday."

I think that's Sunday.
Must be Sunday.

It's got a big,
curly letter in front.

Must be an "S".

Like I said, my
handwriting is so...