Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 29 - Gomer Dates a Movie Star - full transcript

Gomer's favorite actress visits the base.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

You're wrong, Duke.

Well, I got two bucks
says she doesn't show.

Well, I'll take that bet.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) I
don't see how you can say that.

That's terrible,
Duke, just terrible.

Oh, come on, Gomer,
it's happened before.

A big movie star says she'll
show up and then she doesn't.



What's so terrible?

You know what it
shows on your part?

It shows a lack of
faith on your part.

Gomer's a little
prejudiced, fellas.

You'll have to excuse him.

Gloria Morgan does happen to
be my all-time favorite. That's right.

Oh. You got a thing about Gloria
Morgan, have you, Gomer, huh?

I don't exactly know
what that means, Duke,

but the lady is my
favorite actress,

and I don't appreciate talkin' loose-like
about her around a men's barracks.

Okay, okay. So, when she
shows up for the dance tonight,

if she does show up, why don't
you ask her to dance with you?

Huh? Ask her to dance.

Your favorite movie actress.



You'll be able to hold her
in your arms and dance.

I don't appreciate you
talkin' about her like that.

Who are you takin' to the dance
anyway, Gomer? Just me myself.

I do plan on doin' a whole lot of
starin' at Miss Morgan, though.

That sounds pretty
exciting, all right.

I just hope it don't
make her too edgy.

You know, a lot of folks get real
edgy after you stare at 'em a long time.

Well, if she just gets edgy,
you walk right up to her,

put your arms around her...

I don't appreciate talk
like that about her, Duke!

Okay, Pyle, what
did you do this time?

About what, Sergeant?

You're wanted in
the Colonel's office.

The Colonel? He wants me?

Well, he asked
specifically for you.

There's only one Gomer Pyle.

I don't think the world is
ready for another Gomer Pyle.

I wonder what the Colonel wants.

Well, there's only one
way to find out, Pyle,

get over there on the double.

He didn't tell you
what... Move it!

Private Pyle, reportin'
as ordered, sir.

At ease, Pyle.

Thank you, sir.

Pyle, do you remember that enlisted
man's dance a few months ago?

The one you took
my daughter, Jane, to?

Yes, sir. I remember,
and I'm sorry.

Why are you sorry?
She had a very nice time.

She did? Well, I did,
too. I really, truly did.

Not only is Miss Jane real nice,

but she's a real
good dancer, too.

Do you know she didn't even
stumble once that whole evenin'?

Yes, uh, well, uh,
Jane's home again.

Has a little time
off from school,

and I was wondering if you'd care
to take her to this evening's dance?

Yes, sir. I sure would, sir.

I'd consider that a real honor.

Fine. You can pick
her up a little after 8:00.

I'll authorize a
jeep for your use.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Carry on, Pyle.

Sir? Yes, Pyle?

When I bring Miss Jane home,

I'll be real careful not
to squeal the brakes,

just in case you and the
missis decide to turn in early.

Thank you, Pyle.
That's very thoughtful.

And that ain't all, Duke,

her daddy said I
could even use a jeep

to take Miss Jane to the dance.

No two ways about it, Gomer,
you're becoming quite a ladies' man,

and with the Colonel's daughter.

Oh, go on, Duke.

But we did hit it off kind
of good that first date.

Hey, Gomer, do me a favor.

Sure, Duke, what?

Invite me over to your house
for dinner after you get married

so I can hobnob with
you and all the other brass.

Won't do me any harm
to show I'm buddy-buddy

with the Colonel's son-in-law.

Doggone, Duke. I
think you're just...

Guess what, they're
bringin' Gloria Morgan

to the barracks!
She's headed this way.

You're kidding. Go on,
they wouldn't do that.

Women ain't allowed
in Marines' barracks.

I just saw her outside! Come on!

Let's get this place
squared away!

They're bringing a civilian
visitor through any minute!

Then it's true, Sergeant, Gloria
Morgan's comin' through this very barracks?

The Gloria Morgan?

That's right. She
arrived a little early,

so she's being shown
around the base.

Did we catch you unawares?

Shazam! I'm so excited!

Just feel on my heart,
Sergeant, it's goin' ka-thump...

Pyle!

I'm so nervous. How do I
act when she gets here?

What do you mean how do you act?

You stand there at
attention and don't talk.

Talk? Why, if she looks at
me, I'll just die! I'll just die!

Good. I'll see what
can be arranged.

Here they come!

All right! Knock
it off, knock it off!

Get back to your bunks!

Ten-hut!

Hello, boys. Hello.

Hello.

The, uh, living quarters are
pretty much alike in all the huts,

bunks, lockers.

Why, do you mean to
tell me that they keep

everything they own
in these little lockers?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Just about everything they need.

Well, now!

Whose locker is this?

Well, whose locker is this?

Uh, it's Private
Pyle's locker, sir.

Isn't it, Pyle?

(VOICE CRACKING)
Y-Yes, ma'am... Sergeant.

I... I mean, sir.

Well, now, I just bet you
put those pictures up there

when you heard I was coming,
didn't you? Very sweet, though.

No, ma'am. I cross
my heart, I didn't.

They've been stuck up there almost
ever since I've been here. Honest.

Really?

Well, I'm very flattered.

Not only that, but I've
seen all your movies, too.

There was Doomsday at Taranto,

It Happens Every Payday,

Lost Lovers Forever,
Dinner With Diana,

I Love You, I Love
You, I Love You...

I seen that one three times.

Lady Be Bad, and
Faithful Till Tomorrow.

My goodness, what
a memory you have.

You know, I did some of
those pictures so long ago,

I didn't even
remember them myself.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Say, um, would you like me to
autograph that picture for you?

Golly.

Would you, ma'am?

Oh, I'd love to. Does
anybody have a...

Uh, fountain pen? Is
that what you want?

Now, what's your name?

Uh, Pyle, Gomer Pyle.

Gomer, like Homer,
except with a G.

And Pyle, like pile,
except with a Y.

Are you gonna make
that other picture, ma'am?

The one with you and
Mr. Hudson together

on that island with
the overactive volcano?

How'd you know about that?

Well, you bein' my favorite
female movie star and all,

I not only see
all your pictures,

but I read all I
can about you, too.

You know I think you know more
about me than my agent does.

Well, thank you kindly
for your autograph, ma'am.

Oh, it was my pleasure.

I... I've seen a lot of your
pictures, too, Miss Morgan.

(CHUCKLING)

Really? How nice.

Well, goodbye, boys.

Bye.

Bye, Homer. Gomer!

Bye, ma'am.

It's sure a pleasure
talkin' to you.

Bye.

"If she looks at me, I'll die.

"I'll just die!"

(GROANS)

Gloria Morgan.

She wrote it in her own
hand, on my very locker.

Well, I can see it already
in Hedda Hopper's column,

"What well-known movie
actress and what Marine private

"are past the hand-holding stage
and rumored to be altar-bound?"

(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, stop that, Duke.

Gomer, I'm just
looking into the future.

And I see you and Gloria

off on an island with an
overactive volcano and there...

Hey, movie fan!

Me, Sergeant? You!

It's your turn to
clean up the duty hut.

Yes, sir.

And Smith and Sullivan, you
police up in front of this hut.

Hey, Sergeant, did you see what
Gloria Morgan wrote on my picture?

I saw it, I saw it.

"Sincerely, Gloria Morgan."

Swell. Move it, Pyle.

And if she wrote "sincerely",
she meant sincerely

on account of she's
a sincere person.

Did you see her in
Faithful Till Tomorrow?

She was so sincere...
Pyle, did you hear me?

On the double! Yes, sir.

(CHUCKLING) "Sincerely."

She wrote "sincerely" on there.

You know something, men?

I think Gloria Morgan
really got to Gomer.

(ALL GIGGLE)

Hey, do you guys
wanna have some fun?

What's up? ALL: Yeah, sure.

We're gonna make
a little phone call.

Come on.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Sergeant Carter's quarters.

(IN A DEEP VOICE) Let
me talk to Sergeant Carter.

Well, he ain't here right
now, can I take a message?

Well, I'm trying to get in touch
with a Private Gomer Pyle.

Oh, well, this here's
Gomer Pyle talkin'.

Hold on a minute, Private.

(IMITATING A
WOMAN) Hello, Gomer?

This is Gloria.

Gloria?

Gloria Morgan. Have
you forgotten already?

Shazam! Hey, Miss Morgan.

Excuse me for not
recognizin' your voice,

but you sure sound different.

I do?

That must be because
this is my telephone voice.

Listen, I was wondering...

How would you like to escort me

to the enlisted
men's dance tonight?

Me? Are you sure you
mean me, Miss Morgan?

Oh, I'm very sure,
Gomer. Say you will.

Golly.

What an honor.
What a real honor.

It's all settled, then.

You can pick me up
at the guest quarters

at the Officer's
Club tonight at 8:00.

Toodle-oo.

She called me Gomer.

What?

Sergeant, you'll never
believe this, you really won't,

but that was Miss Morgan,
Miss Gloria Morgan.

She called up and
asked especially for me.

You're right, Pyle,
I don't believe it.

See, I told you you wouldn't
believe it, but she did.

She called on that very phone there
and wanted to know if I'd take her

to that enlisted
man's dance tonight,

and I told her...

Oh, Lordy!

I clean forgot. I'm
supposed to take

the Colonel's daughter
to that dance tonight.

Well, aren't we Mr. Popular?

That's what you get for not
checking in your datebook, Pyle.

But this is serious, Sergeant.

What an embarrassin'
predicament.

How could I make such a
dumb mistake? What'll I do?

Pyle, don't bother me.

But this is serious, Sergeant. I can't
take both of those girls to that dance.

What'll I do? Please tell me.

Well, it's simple, really.

You just call up both gals
and you tell them you're sorry,

you can't take them to the dance

because you won't be
able to dance tonight.

Huh?

Why won't I be able to dance?

I forgot to tell you.

Before you call, you
shoot yourself in the leg.

Gome, what's the
matter? You look awful.

Oh, I got myself a terrible
problem, Duke. Just terrible.

Well, what is it, pal?

Well, Miss Morgan called,
Miss Gloria Morgan. Mmm-hmm.

And she wanted to know if I'd
escort her to the dance tonight.

And naturally, I said
yes, but I clean forgot

I'm supposed to take
the Colonel's daughter.

Oh, that is a problem.

Well, what am I gonna do, Duke?

If I back out on Miss Jane,
well, that'll hurt her feelings,

and if I back out on...

Oh, I got myself into
real trouble this time.

I feel awful, just awful.

Uh, Gomer... Yes, siree,

real honest-to-goodness trouble.

Look, Gomer, hold it, um,
before you blow a gasket,

I got some news for you.

You don't have a date
with Gloria Morgan.

Well, sure I do. Miss Morgan
herself called me on the phone.

No, no, that wasn't Gloria
Morgan that called you.

Huh?

I-It was me,
playin' a little joke.

I don't believe it.

You don't?

(IMITATING A
WOMAN) Hello, Gomer?

This is Gloria
Morgan, you silly boy.

I'm surprised at you, Duke.

That's really a cruel
thing to do to a person.

It really, truly is.

It was just a little joke, Gome.

Well, it's still a
mean thing to do.

Yeah, I guess it was
kind of a cruel trick at that.

I'm sorry.

Shake, pal?

Okay, good buddy.

Then I really don't have to take
Miss Morgan to that dance tonight?

You sure don't. You
got a date to take me.

And you'd like your escort to be one
of the men here on the base, a private?

Yes, if I may. Fine,

and very appropriate,
I might add,

since it is an
enlisted men's dance.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I've got to get home.

My daughter just arrived
from college for a few days,

and, uh, I must tell
her that she, too,

has an escort for
tonight's dance.

Captain, uh, help Miss Morgan
locate the Marine in question.

Yes, sir. Thank you, Colonel.

Thank you, Miss Morgan.

Now if you'll excuse
me... Certainly.

Well, now, uh, just
what is the name

of the, uh, private you'd like as
your escort for the dance tonight?

Oh, now, let me see. It was
a strange name. Um, Homer.

No, Gomer, like
Homer, except with a G,

Pyle, like pile,
except with a Y.

Gomer Pyle.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Sergeant Carter here.

Uh, yes, sir. Private Pyle, sir?

I'll get him for you right
away. He's in the area.

Hey, Pyle! Get over here!

You're wanted on the phone!

He'll be right
in, sir. Yes, sir.

Phone for me,
Sergeant? It's the Captain.

Are they doin' that again?

Are they doin' what again?

Oh, they acted
out this mean trick.

I told them it was a cruel
joke, and I'll tell them again.

Hey, Duke,

I'm surprised at you, pullin'
another fake call like this

after admittin' just
a few minutes ago

that it was a mean,
cruel trick to do.

Gimme that!

Listen, Slater, any
more practical jokes,

and I'll have you doin' push-ups
from now till Groundhog's Day!

Now get back to your
barracks, you knucklehead...

I don't know what you're
babbling about, Sergeant,

but I have Miss Morgan here.

Now put Private
Pyle on the phone,

or I'll have you doing push-ups!

Y-Yes, sir. I... I'm sorry, sir.

It was all a misunder...
Right away, sir.

It's her. It's really her.

Well, take it, take it!

(VOICE CRACKING) Hello?

Hello, Gomer, is that you?

Hey, Miss Morgan. Is
it really you this time?

I assure you it is.

Gomer, I understand
that it's customary

for a Marine to escort the guest
of honor to the dance, and, uh,

well, I've made my choice.

It's you. Will you take me?

Me? You mean it?

You really mean it?

Why I'd be honored to, ma'am.

8:00 at the
Administration Building.

Bye, and thanks, ma'am.

Well, what do you know?

I really am gonna escort Miss
Morgan to that dance tonight.

That was her,
and she just said...

Oh, Lordy! I done it again!

I got myself two dates for that
dance tonight, is what I've done again

and I really done it this time.

Golly, Sergeant,
what am I gonna do?

Well, you could claim you're an amnesia
victim and don't remember anything.

Or you could desert.

They don't hold
dances at Leavenworth.

Or you could shoot
yourself in the leg.

I still think that's
the best way.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Gomer! You didn't even let me
finish my makeup! Are we late?

I just wanna get to the dance.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Well, here we are, ma'am.

Gomer, why do you keep
looking at your watch?

Oh, I guess it's because

that the Marines do
everything by the clock, ma'am.

Shall we dance? Well, I thought
first we should take a walk...

(EXCLAIMING)

Thank you, ma'am. Why don't
you sit there and rest awhile now?

Oh, but I'm not tired. Well,
I'll just go over here and get...

Good evening. May I?

Well, I... Sure you can, sir.

You two enjoy yourselves,
and I'll be right back.

Gomer, for heaven's sakes,

you didn't even
stop to say hello.

Oh. Hello, Miss Jane.

Well, let's go.

Well, now then, Gomer, tell
me, how's everything been?

Fine.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYS)

The place sure looks nice,
doesn't it, Gomer? Sure does.

Oh, look, there's Gloria Morgan.

Where? Over there.

I'd love to meet her.
Oh, wouldn't you, Gomer?

Huh? Oh, sure.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Excuse me, ma'am. I'll
go get us some punch.

Oh, but, Gomer, I really...

Hey, Miss Gloria, I'm back.

Did you enjoy dancin'
with Captain Murdoch?

Oh, yes, I had several
dances with Captain Murdoch.

Captain Murdoch's
a real good dancer.

I thought you'd enjoy
dancin' with him.

Yes, I did, but now I'd
like to finish our dance.

Would you excuse us, please?

Gomer?

Yes, ma'am.

Gomer, that, uh, girl you've
been dancing with, is she your girl?

Uh, oh, what girl?

The one you've
been dancing with.

Well, what makes you think that?

Well, she hasn't
taken her eyes off you.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am,
I'll get us some punch.

Uh, but, Gomer, I...

Here's our punch, Miss
Jane. Thank you, Gomer.

I, uh, see you were dancing
with the guest of honor.

Uh, yes, ma'am.

I figured that's
the least I could do,

with her sittin' on the wall
like a wallflower and all.

That was very
thoughtful of you, Gomer.

She's very pretty, isn't she?

I guess her features
do go together

in kind of an
interestin' way at that.

I'll get us some punch.
Gomer, we have punch.

Oh, yeah.

Mine's all gone. You mind
if I get me some more?

By all means, Gomer, do
go get some more punch.

I guess the night air's made
me kind of thirsty at that.

Well, don't bother...

Here I am again, ma'am.

Where's our punch, Gomer?

Oh, oh, well, I... Gomer!

Look, Gomer, if you have
another date, I don't want to...

Oh, you're not!
Excuse me, ma'am.

Oh, hey, Miss Jane, I just
got us some more punch.

Gomer, I don't want
any more punch.

Aren't we gonna dance anymore?

Yes, ma'am, right now.

Well, what do you
know? The music stopped.

Miss Morgan? Oh, won't
you sit down, Captain?

Thank you.

Well, are you
enjoying the dance?

Oh, yes, very much. Good.

Where is, uh,
where is your escort?

My escort? I'm afraid
I've been abandoned.

You've been what?

I'm afraid Private
Pyle has another date.

Will you excuse me for just
a moment? I'll be right back.

Oh, Captain, please don't say...

Pyle!

Excuse me, Captain.
Would you, please?

Thank you, sir.

Where you goin', Miss
Jane? I'm going home.

Oh, but you can't do that.
The dance is hardly started.

Gomer, if you don't
mind, I'd like to leave.

Well, I'm sorry, ma'am, but
if you'd just let me explain...

I made a point of telling daddy

that I'd like only you
to take me to the dance.

I just feel very foolish.

Well, I'm sorry. I really
did want to take you...

Gomer, it's all perfectly
obvious. Good night.

Well, it may be perfectly
obvious to you, but it ain't the truth.

If you'll just wait
here just a minute,

I can explain the whole thing.

Will you, please, Miss Jane?

Well, all right, Gomer.

But I won't wait long.

All right. Now, you
just wait right there.

I'll be right back. Honest.
Just wait right there.

Miss Jane?

Miss Jane, this is Miss Morgan.

Miss Morgan, this is Miss
Jane, Colonel Gray's daughter.

How do you do? Hello.

I know both you
ladies are mad at me,

and I'm sorry,

but, truly, I didn't
know what else to do.

You see, Miss Jane,
when your daddy asked me

if I'd like to take
you to the dance,

I was real happy to.

And then Miss Morgan called me

and asked me the
very same thing,

and my brain sort of froze,
and my big mouth took over,

and I found myself
with two dates.

Now, I know what
I should've done,

but I was afraid I might
hurt one of you's feelings,

and I couldn't do that.

With you bein' my favorite
movie lady, Miss Morgan,

and you bein' my favorite
in-the-flesh lady, Miss Jane.

I just hope you two ladies can
find it in your heart to forgive me.

GOMER: Miss Morgan?

Miss Jane?

(WHISTLING)

Shazam!

Well, I declare.

Hey, Sergeant.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Dancin' sure is good
exercise for you, Miss Jane.

The way you do it,
it certainly is, Gomer.

I sure am glad that you and Miss
Morgan ain't mad at me no more.

You know something, Gomer.

I think you should take two
dates to every dance you go to.

Then one partner can rest up

while you dance with
the other one for a while.

That sure is somethin'
to think about.

I know one thing
for sure, though,

if it ever happens again,

I'm gonna be sure and
tell both parties beforehand.

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