Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 3 - Private Ralph Skunk - full transcript

While on a hike Gomer makes a friend, but when the friend decides to move into the barracks Sgt Carter wants him gone! but Gomer shows the Sgt what an asset this new friend is to the platoon.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYS)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Ten-hut!

You people are
supposed to be ready

for Battalion
Commander's inspection.

Are you ready?

ALL: Yes, sir!

I don't think you're
ready. You say you are?

ALL: Yes, sir! In other words,



you're calling me
a liar. Is that it?

No, sir!

Well, let's just see
who's calling me a liar.

Uh-huh.

Mmm-hmm.

Pyle, you! (IN
SOUTHERN ACCENT) Sir?

You call me a liar?

No, sir. Yes, you did.

No, sir. Spit on my finger and
hope to die if I'd call you that.

Your bunk is not tucked proper!

That means you're not
ready! You said you were.

You're the liar!

Well, I reckon I'm a bad
bunk-tucker, but I ain't a liar.

I don't have time
to fool with you, boy!



Now, you get that bunk
squared away, and you shape up!

Yes, sir.

Do I make myself clear to you?

Well, not when you get this
close. You get kind of fuzzy.

Knock it off! Move!
Move! Move! Move!

Now, you people listen up!

The efficiency ratings
have just been posted!

For the second straight week,

this platoon has been beaten
by Sergeant Whipple's platoon!

Now, I don't like
that! Do you like that?

ALL: No, sir! I can't hear you!

No, sir! All right!

Then you people
better settle down!

And you better boost
those efficiency ratings!

Pyle, what do you
think you're doing now?

Sir. I told you to
straighten this bunk!

Yes, sir. But you'd rather
look out the window?

No, sir. Your attention
is in here, boy!

There is nothing outside
that window! You understand?

Well, sir... Nothing!
Is that clear? Nothing!

Yes, sir. Nothing.

Nothin' except Sergeant Whipple
messin' up our company area.

Huh?

Why, that dirty...

Whipple, you rat!
I'll get you for this!

Everybody outside on the double!

Police that area! Move!
Move! Move! Move! Move!

You see, sir, there was
somethin' out... Outside!

Move! Move! Move!
Move! Move! Move!

Every piece! Every piece!

Snap it up! Every piece!

Every piece!

Fall in!

Good morning, sir.

A little last-minute
policing, Sergeant? Yes, sir.

Cuts it kind of close, doesn't
it, for inspection? Yes, sir.

Carry on.

Now you know how it is.

Even when you do it right, somebody tries
to foul you up and foul up your inspection!

Well, after this inspection,
we are going on a little hike!

We are going on the same hike that Sergeant
Whipple took his platoon yesterday!

But, we are going to
beat Sergeant Whipple!

We are going to beat
his platoon. Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, sir! I can't hear you!

Yes, sir! Sir?

What do you want? How
come you didn't tell the Colonel

that Sergeant Whipple tried
to mess up your inspection?

You're at attention!

You ought to have told him.

Pyle, we don't do
things like that here.

We don't tell.

But it wasn't your fault. Pyle!

It was Sergeant Whipple's. Pyle!

It's a hateful thing.

Boy, I'm tired already. We
haven't even started yet.

Probably gonna
double-time us all the way

just to beat Sergeant Whipple.

That Sergeant Whipple's
a creep, you know that?

They're all creeps. What
about our DI? Ain't he a creep?

Sergeant Carter?

You ought not talk that
way about Sergeant Carter.

Why, do you love him so much?

No, I don't love him.

I like him, but I
don't love him.

But you like him?

Uh-huh. I expect his
mom and daddy love him.

I just like him.

Gomer, Sergeant Carter don't have a mommy
and daddy. He was raised by werewolves.

That ain't very nice to say.

Do you know he has holes
cut in the brim of his hat

for his ears to stick through?

You hush. That ain't nice.

All right, all right,
have it your way.

He's a great guy,
and you love him.

I didn't say that. I like him.

I like him a whole lot,
but I just don't love him.

JOHNSON: Right. Fall in!

Ready? Hit it!

All right... Hit it!

Left, right, left, right.
Left, left, left, right, left!

I just love it when he sings that,
that there cadence call, don't you?

No. You love him,
don't you, Gome?

No. I love his cadence.
Don't love him. Okay.

I like him. All right.

CARTER: Double time! Hit it!

You like him now, too, Gome?

Uh-huh. But don't love him.

Hold it!

What's the matter?
Who told him to stop?

There's a snake in the
middle of the road, Sergeant.

Looks like a rattler.

That's a rattler, all right.

All right, you
people, stand back!

Excuse me, sir. You
don't have to do that.

What?

That ain't a rattler.
That's a kingsnake.

Yeah? Well, I ain't
got time to prove it.

Please, sir, wait a minute.

Pyle, what are you doing?

It's okay, sir.

Pyle, you idiot,
drop it! Drop it!

It's just a little, old
kingsnake, like I said.

Pyle, are you crazy?
Kingsnakes ain't poisonous.

See? He ain't got no
teeth. He kills by constrictin'.

And then he only kills
other snakes, not folks.

Pyle! Look at him grin.

Rattlesnakes don't never grin.

Hey, there, Mr. Kingsnake.

Pyle, get rid of it!

Yes, sir.

Go on, boy. Go on, now.

You're holdin' up the
United States Marine Corps.

Bye-bye.

Say "hey" to Miss King.

Pyle, are you crazy,
pickin' up a snake?

Well, not all of
'em are poisonous.

If you ever get bit by
a poisonous snake,

what'll happen is
you'll get paralyzed

and then you'll have trouble
breathin' and you'll turn blue.

And 10 or 15 minutes
later, you'll be dead.

That's how you'll know
if they're poisonous.

Thanks. I'll remember that.

All right, the rest of
you people fall out.

Five minute break.

Gomer, how come you
know so much about snakes?

Well, back home, you get to
where you know all kinds of animals.

Get to where you can recognize
'em, too, and understand their talk.

Their talk? Animals talk?

Sure. Didn't you know that?

(CHUCKLES) Which
ones? All of 'em.

Didn't you ever hear
a chipmunk talk?

No, not back in Milwaukee.

You think I'm
foolin', don't you?

Well, I tell you, I'm not.

Hey! What's that?

It's a skunk. That's
what it is. A skunk!

(MEN SHOUTING) Hey, don't
run. He ain't gonna hurt you.

Come here, boy. Come here.

Here, I got something for
you. It's a little piece of bread

I was savin' for that
empty spell about 10:00,

but you can have it.
Come on, come on.

Lord, he looks just
like my Uncle Ralph.

Come here, boy. Come
on. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Come over here. Come here, boy.

Come on. Come on, come on.

Yes, sir.

GOMER: See there, fellers?
He wants to be friendly.

Most animals do if
you give 'em a chance.

Say "hey" to the fellers, Ralph.

DUKE: That is a
skunk, isn't it, Gome?

Sure is, but he ain't much
different than a weasel or a mink.

Yeah. Except he's
got a secret weapon.

Hey, how come he
doesn't smell, Gomer?

Aren't they supposed to smell?

You city folks.

That smell is used
to protect themselves

whenever they're bein' attacked

or when somebody hollers at 'em.

You mean if I raise my
voice like this he might...

(SHUSHING) Duke, hold it down.

You'll scare Ralph,
and he'll attack.

CARTER: All right, let's get
those packs on. Let's saddle up.

Come on. What's going on here?

What is this, a party
or something? What...

Pyle, get rid of that
skunk! Get rid of it!

Shh, sir, please
hold it down. Shh.

Well, I said get rid of it!

Sir, you got to hold it down.

Hollerin' scares him.

And when he's scared,
he's liable to attack

and give off a... An odor.

All right.

But get rid of him.

Understand? Yes, sir.

Goodbye, Ralph.

(SHUSHING) All right,
the rest of you men...

(SOFTLY) The rest
of you men fall in.

On the double. On the double!

Forward... Shh, sir. Shh.

(SOFTLY) Forward... Hut!

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. One...

JOHNSON: Ten-hut!

Well, we did not beat
Sergeant Whipple's time

on that hike this afternoon!

And I think I know why we did
not beat Sergeant Whipple's time.

It is because we've got an
animal lover in our group!

That is why we did not beat
Sergeant Whipple's time!

I'm sorry, sir. You're not half
as sorry as you're gonna be.

Now, you people listen up! I want
extra points on that inspection tomorrow!

I want this place cleaned and
squared away like it's never been done!

I want you to sweep, swab down.

I want you to dust between the
springs, over the side of the bulkhead!

I want this place spotless!
I want no excuses!

No alibis.

It's Ralph.

Hey, Ralph.

Who did you say that was? Ralph.

Ralph?

I named him that on account
of he looks like my Uncle Ralph,

especially around the eyes.

I expect he followed us back
from that hike we was on, Sergeant.

Get rid of him. You hear me?

Sir? I said get rid of him.

Yes, sir, but how?

I don't care how!
Just... (SHUSHING)

Remember, hollerin' scares 'em,

and then they you-know-what.

(SOFTLY) All right. All right.

Just get rid of it. I
don't care how or where.

I'm not gonna get stuck
with a skunk in my platoon!

Out!

(SOFTLY) Out! Yes, sir.

Come on, Ralph.

It's time for you to go
back where you belong.

We got this inspection tomorrow,

and you'd just get in
the way around here.

A skunk. A skunk in my platoon.

And on top of that, I get stuck
with an idiot that talks to skunks!

Okay, Sergeant.

I set him outside and pointed
him in the right direction.

He's gone now. He
won't bother you no more.

I'm sure sorry.

All right, now, you
people listen up!

On that inspection
tomorrow, I want every man...

I told him to go on home.

I declare, I don't know
how to get rid of him.

I do.

Corporal.

There's an empty
ammo box in my duty hut.

Go get it! Right, Sergeant.

I headed him in
the right direction,

but he turned just right around.

Go on, Ralph.

Go on, Ralph.

I don't know why he's
taken such a fancy to me.

Maybe he is your Uncle Ralph.

I'm sure sorry
about this, Sergeant,

but animals always did
just naturally take to me.

Wish I knew what we
could do with the little feller.

Don't worry.

Put him in here. Yes, sir.

Are you gonna keep
him in that there box?

Not for long.

Any of you people
wanna take this out back

and do a little
target practice, huh?

I didn't think so. I'll
have to do it myself.

Sir?

You ain't actually...

I mean, you're not gonna...
What do you suggest?

Do you want him
here for the inspection?

You want the Colonel to see him?

What am I supposed to say?

"Sir, this is Private
Ralph Skunk,

"the ugliest recruit
in the service," huh?

But you ain't gonna
really shoot him, are you?

Pyle, this animal is getting
in the way of the program.

He's interfering with me.

I've gotta get rid
of him. Is that clear?

Is that clear to all
you knuckleheads?

ALL: Yes, sir!

(SOFTLY) Now, get squared away.

I'll be back in a minute.

Well, you still like him?

I know you don't love him,
but do you still like him?

Leave him alone. Can't you
see he feels bad enough?

I just don't see
how he could do it,

kill a defenseless
little animal like that.

Are you kidding? He enjoys it.

Probably pulled wings off
of flies when he was a kid.

Just don't see how.

(GUN FIRING) I just don't see...

Come on, Gome.

Better start gettin' your
gear squared away.

JOHNSON: Ten-hut!

Sir? Yeah?

Did you really...

Actually shoot him? Right
between the eyes! I don't miss!

CARTER: Now,
you people listen up!

About that inspection tomorrow,

every man here
has his responsibility!

Every man here has his job!

I expect every man here
to fulfill his responsibility!

Hey! It's Ralph!
He ain't dead at all!

As you were!

I took a shot at him.

I was sure I hit him!

I must have just
missed him that much.

I didn't wanna stand out
there, wasting ammunition.

I ain't gonna waste government ammunition
on no stupid skunk! Is that clear?

Pyle, you listen
to... (SHUSHING)

(SOFTLY) Pyle, you listen to me.

Now, you want that animal alive,

you keep him out of sight.

He's your responsibility.
You understand?

Now, we're going on a
10-mile hike tomorrow.

He goes with us.
If he is discovered,

he will be considered
contraband.

That will be your neck,
nobody else's. Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

All right, you people.
Get busy here. Sir?

Yeah? Thanks from Ralph and me.

(GROANS)

CARTER: I said the whole
platoon! Come on, you two!

Move! Move!

This ain't no picnic!
Now, let's move it!

Clean! Clean! Clean! I
want those extra points!

Now, let's move!

All right, now,
let's go! Let's go!

WHIPPLE: What do
you say, Vince? I'm busy.

Yeah. Yeah, I see.

Don't try to put any fast
one over on me, Whipple.

Get lost!

What's the matter?
You got time for visiting?

Less than five
minutes to inspection.

Well, I'll tell you, Vince,

I got a nice, cooperative
bunch of boots.

WHIPPLE: I only
have to tell them once.

That's how I get those extra
points on the efficiency ratings.

CARTER: Very
interesting, but not to me.

WHIPPLE: Yeah, I got
some good people on this tour.

Real good.

Okay, you're startin'
to bug me, Steve.

Now, take a walk, will you?

Okay.

I guess I'll be shovin' off.

I ain't forgettin'
about yesterday.

You know, the sabotage?

Don't try that again.

Vince, you cut me.

I'd like to.

Where's Pyle?

Anybody see Pyle?

What did he do, go over
the hill with that skunk?

You stay right
here... CARTER: Pyle!

And I'm gonna come back for you in a
little while and take you on a nice walk.

Now, don't wander off.

CARTER: All right. That does
it! Let's fall in on the double!

Come on. Let's move! Move!
Move! Move! Move! Move!

Where you been,
Pyle? Goldbricking?

No, sir. I was back
there with Ralph.

I was feedin' him. Huh?

I was feedin' Ralph. You
know what that little rascal likes?

Eggs.

Swell. Did you know that
about skunks, Sergeant?

Skunks just love eggs. Pyle.

I saved him part of mine
from breakfast this mornin'.

He really enjoyed 'em.

The little rascal
didn't even mind

that there's ketchup
on 'em. Pyle!

You wanna make a
skunk a friend for life,

you serve him up a mess of eggs.

Fried, scrambled,
poached, or even raw.

No two ways about it,
skunks is egg-lovers.

Knock it off!

CARTER: Good morning,
sir. Good morning.

Sergeant. Sir?

Is this a new style?

Sir?

The pockets on these cartridge
belts, every one unsnapped.

Is that something new for
inspection? I haven't seen that order.

Uh, no, sir. Uh...
I'm sorry, sir.

I'll get on the people
about that right away, sir.

Carry on. Aye, aye, sir.

He did it to me again!
Again! He did it again.

Who, Sarge? Whipple!

He must have done it when
we were policing the area.

He snuck in and unsnapped
all the cartridge belts!

There go those extra
points! Oh, the rat!

What a mean thing.
What a mean thing to do.

Pyle, you're at attention!
You're at attention!

What a mean thing.
What a mean thing to do.

Nobody asked you, Pyle!

All right, the rest
of you people...

Fall out and get squared
away for a 10-mile hike!

You got eight minutes! Move
it, move it! Move! Move! Move!

But, sir... I told you to fall
out! That means you, too!

Move!

What a mean thing.
What a mean thing to do.

Check that rack.

How many points you figure he
loses because of those cartridge belts?

Plenty. Enough to
keep us way ahead.

(CHUCKLES)

Get that pillow.

Now, Ralph, I want
you to go in there now,

and just want you
to sort of look around.

You don't have to do nothin',

but just sort of look
the place over, okay?

(MEN CLAMORING)

Gee, Ralph. We
better get out of here.

All that hollering's
liable to make you attack.

And then they really
wouldn't like you.

OFFICER: Ten-hut!

Why, what's going on? What's
the meaning of this, Sergeant?

Well, sir, we were all... Is this a game?
Your platoon playing games, Sergeant?

No, sir, w-w-we were...
This barracks is a shambles.

What did you have
in there, a riot?

No, sir, we've had... Sergeant,
you will confine your men!

You will get them and
this building in order now!

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, make a complete
record of this for platoon ratings.

Carry on, Sergeant,
if you can, that is.

Yes, sir.

Nice, cooperative bunch of
people you got there, Whipple.

Yes, sir!

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING) Attention!

You people see this,
huh? Take a good look.

This is because I'm happy.

You will not see this often
because I'm not often happy.

Now, can anyone here tell me what
happened in Sergeant Whipple's hut?

Huh?

Can anyone here tell me what put
him in the doghouse with the Colonel?

Look, it's all right.
You can tell me.

If someone here's responsible, I
just wanna congratulate him, that's...

Pyle.

That you, huh? Huh?

How did you manage it,
huh? What did you do, huh?

I just took Ralph
for a little visit.

Ah, good goin', boy!

(SHUSHING)

Good going, boy.

That was really quick
thinking. That was great!

You're really becoming
a Marine, boy! Great.

Two... Halt.

Pyle, fall out.

This is the area,
isn't it? Yes, sir.

Where's your
friend? Our friend, sir.

Well, you know
what to do. Yes, sir.

Come on, now.

Well, I reckon
this is it, buddy.

I got to go now.

Now, don't look at me like that.

You know you can't go
on livin' in a boot camp.

Right here's where you belong.

Now, you go out and find
yourself some new friends.

Maybe a girl skunk.

And settle down and have some
young ones. That's what you ought to do.

Pyle!

Be right there, Sergeant.
Now, be a good boy, Ralph.

Bye-bye.

He was a good little
feller, wasn't he?

I have to admit, he was.

That's one skunk that
really earned his stripes.

About!

Face!

Forward march!

Left, right, left, right!
Left, left, left, right, left!