Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 4 - Captain Ironpants - full transcript

After tipping his hat instead of saluting female Captain "Iron Pants" Martin, Gomer is assigned special detail in her office to teach him a lesson. But it turns out that he is the teacher, ...


Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

I want every inch of
these grounds policed!

Every inch! Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, sir!

Get those heads down and pick
up everything that doesn't grow!

Move it! Move it!

Shazam! Look what I found!

MAN 1: What you got,
Gome? GOMER: Look, see it?

What is it? What'd you find?

A four-leaf clover.

Well, aren't you lucky.

Ain't I, though?

I wonder what kind
of luck it'll bring me.

I wonder.

All right, you people,
get back to work!

Move it, move it!

Back home Barbara Sue Hooverback
found one under her front porch,

and two weeks later, she
married Wendell Comroy.

And to this day, she
still wears that clover

in a locket around
her neck on a chain.

Pyle... She's so proud of it.

She wears these real low-cut
dresses so everybody can see it.


Course, you can't see the clover
unless she opens up her locket.

Shoot, she'll open up that
locket at the drop of a hat.

Pyle, knock it off!

Yes, sir.

All right, you people, fall in!

All right, come on! Move
it, move it, move it, move it!

A smoking lamp is
lit for one cigarette!

ALL: A smoking lamp
is lit for one cigarette!

Aye, aye, sir!

Light up!


What do you want? I don't
smoke, so would it be all right

if I kept looking for
some four-leaf clovers?


Thank you, sir. I might
even find one for you.


Course, you don't have a
locket that you can keep it in

like Barbara Sue Hooverback,

but there's other
places you can keep it,

like in the sweatband of
your hat or in your... Pyle!

Sir? Get lost.

Yes, sir.


Afternoon, Captain!

Good afternoon, Sergeant.

Could I talk to
you for a moment?

Something wrong, Captain? Not
unless you call making a Marine base

look like a street corner.

I authorized a break for
these people, Captain.

A break does not mean
ogling women Marines.

Sergeant, inform your men that
this is an administration building

and not the corner drugstore.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Carry on.

What's the matter
with you knuckleheads?

Don't you know a captain
when you see one?

Sorry, sir. We didn't see
her. You didn't see her?

You didn't see a captain?

All right, you'll just
stand at attention

and you'll watch for captains!

Good afternoon, ma'am.


Yes, ma'am? What
was that you just did?

Ma'am? Just now, when I
approached, what did you do?

Uh, I guess I tipped my hat.

That's right. I tipped
my hat, is what, ma'am.

You did, did you? Yes, ma'am.

Do these bars show you that
I'm a captain? Yes, ma'am.

But the rest of the uniform
shows me that you're a lady.

I always tip my hat to a lady.

One of your people, Sergeant?

Yes, he is, Captain.

It is customary for
recruits to learn to salute

their very first
day in the service.

Yes, ma'am. Didn't
he salute the Captain?

He did not. He tipped his hat.

Tipped his hat?

On account of she's a lady,
and I always tip my hat to a lady.

Private, do you know
your General Orders?

Yes, ma'am. I sure do.

What is your 10th General Order?

Let's see now,

"To take charge of this post
and all government property..."

That is your first one.

Yes, ma'am, I know it is,
but I learned 'em in order,

and so I have to go all the way
through 'em to get to the 10th.

"To walk my post
in a military manner."

Did this man learn military
courtesy, or did he not?

He certainly did,
Captain. I can...

Then why is he not showing it?

Well, I just don't... That is a poor
reflection of his training, Sergeant,

if I may say. GOMER:
I've got it. Here it is.

"To salute all officers and all
colors and standards not cased."

That's your 10th
General Order, right there.

That is correct.

And the way you do that is you raise
your right hand directly and smartly,

thumb and fingers are straight
and touching each other,

your upper arm is
level with the deck

and your forearm
at a 45-degree angle.

You hold that salute
until it is returned,

then cut away your hand
smartly back to your side.

Do you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

But wouldn't it be
a whole lot easier

if I just tipped my hat and
said, "Good afternoon, ma'am"?

Excuse me, if the Captain will let
me take over now... No, Sergeant!

I have a much better plan.

You have this
private report to me

every evening this week in
my office, after duty hours.

I think I can teach him
the business of saluting

so that he never forgets it.

That's an order. Carry on.

Just think, Sergeant, she's
gonna take a whole week

just to teach me
proper salutin'.

Ain't that nice of her?

Gomer, why are you
wastin' your time sprucin' up?

You'll be torn to shreds just
as soon as you get to her office.

Ah, quit joshin', Duke.

She's a real nice
lady, that lady captain.

Gomer, that's no lady. Do
you know what they call her?

Captain Ironpants.

Yeah, Captain Ironpants.

Duke, you ought not call
her that. It ain't respectful.

Well, that's what they
call her... MAN: Ten-hut!

Hey, Sergeant, sir.

I was gettin' ready to
go to my salutin' mission.

Well, you've fixed it up
for yourself real good, boy,

pulling down night-school duty.

Now, you listen
up and listen good!

That woman is a captain!

You say, "Yes, Captain
Martin. No, Captain Martin."


Yes, sir. Captain Martin.

I don't care what
nobody else calls her.


Do you know what they
call her on this base?


And it ain't
respectful, neither.

Corporal Peters?

Yes, Captain? Do you
type with a compact?

No, ma'am.

But I'm meeting Sergeant
Marshall after work,

and it's just a few
minutes before 1730.

Those few minutes
belong to this office.

So if you wish to indulge
in camouflage operations,

don't do it here.

Let me tell you
something, Corporal,

those little feminine vanities do
nothing to further a career in the service.

In fact, I've found
them a hindrance.

Oh, excuse me,
sir. That's all right.

Uh, you have those requisitions,
Captain? Yes, sir. Right here.

I, uh, saw that business
with Corporal Peters.

Don't you think you're
being a little rough on her?

No, sir, I don't. I...

After all, we haven't
secured for the night yet,

and we are Marines
working on a Marine base.

Yeah, well, you are also women.

I don't think it's so bad if Corporal
Peters puts on a little makeup.

She's just trying to win a
different battle than you are.

Have a nice evenin'.
Oh. Thank you.

Good evenin', ma'am.
Private Gomer Pyle.

You requested that I come
here for some extra duty.

So here I am.

Oh, yes. The hat-tipper.

Over here, Private.

These cards list all
the officers on the base.

I want you to file them
alphabetically in the lower drawer.

Yes, ma'am.

And so that you'll
get in practice,

whenever you come to a
card with a woman officer on it,

I want you to
stand up and salute.

You mean salute
the card? That's right.

Oh, is that funny, Private?

Does that strike you as funny?

No, ma'am.

All right, sit down
and get to work.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, what are you waiting for?

I was always taught not
to sit while a lady's standin'.

My mama taught me that.

I am a captain in the
United States Marine Corps,

and that is all I am to you.

Well, that's a lot,
ma'am. That's a whole lot.

You bet it is! Now get busy!

When you're finished with that,

I have other duties
for you. Sit down!

Yes, ma'am.

"Lieutenant James Parker."

"Captain Larry Brown."

Oh, here's one!

"Captain Martha Benedict."

Is that what you mean, ma'am?

What do you think you're doing?

Well, I'm holdin' the
chair out for you, ma'am.

That's another thing
my mama taught me.

Private, listen.

There are a lot of things
you've learned in civilian life

that do not always apply here.

Now, common courtesies are fine,

but chair-pushing
and hat-tipping

and other civilian
niceties are unnecessary.

Do you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

I appreciate you tryin'
to help me, Captain,

but I hope you won't be too
upset if it don't take right away.

After all, my mama had over
20 years to drum all that into me.

Then we may just
be here that long!

Good evenin', ma'am.

Private, you're late.

I'm sure sorry about that.

I was almost here when
I remembered the sweets

and had to run all the way
back to the barracks to get 'em.

Sweets? Recruits
aren't allowed candy.

Where did you get it?

Oh, it ain't for me.
It's for you, Captain.

It's just an old chocolate bar.

My cousin Goober
sent it to me in the mail.

He didn't know we ain't
supposed to have 'em.

Thought you might like it.

Private Pyle, are you trying
to bribe me with a candy bar?

Gosh, no, ma'am.

It's just a tiny present is all.

Ladies should get presents.

Please take it.

Private, I've got a lot of
work to do, and so do you.

Suppose we get
started. Yes, ma'am.


If you wanna holler at me
for bein' late, you just do that.

Otherwise, the candy
might really look like a bribe.

What? What I'm tryin' to
say is, it ain't really a bribe.

And if you'll go
ahead and holler,

then I'll know you
think of it as a present.

Never mind. Just go ahead
and holler and that will prove

you don't think of it as a
bribe. That won't be necessary!

But, Captain, if you just... Pyle,
get busy cleaning this office!

Now move it, move it,
move it! Go on, move it!

Yes, ma'am.

Private, what are you doing?

Sharpenin' these pencils
like you asked, ma'am.

This may be a silly question,

but why don't you use
the pencil sharpener?

What do you think that is?

Now resharpen those
and on the double.


What is it?

If this here thing's a pencil
sharpener, it ain't got no handle.

It's electric.

You put the pencils in, and
they sharpen themselves.

You're pullin' my leg, ma'am.



Lord, what'll
they think of next?


GOMER: Electric.
Ain't that somethin'?


Pyle! Stop playing with
that pencil sharpener!

Yes, ma'am.

There you are, ma'am.
There's the first one.

That sure was fun.

Too short? Not for a golf tee,

but it is too short for me!

I'm sorry, ma'am.
I can see that now.

A lady shouldn't
use a stubby pencil.

You might break your fingernails

and ruin all that nice
banana-smellin' polish.

I don't have long fingernails,

and I don't wear that nice
banana-smelling polish.

That's right. You sure
enough don't, ma'am.

Could've swore you
did. Maybe you ought to.

What? Well, ma'am,
you have such nice hands.

Long fingernails
and that red gook

could make 'em even
look that much nicer.

Well, I'll go sharpen me
some more pencils now.


Oh, hey, Sergeant,
sir. I didn't see you.

Pyle, the rest of the
people are on a rest period.

What are you doing?

Just a little
private policin', sir.

What's the matter? Don't
you have enough to do

between Captain
Martin and myself?

Oh, yes, sir, but
this is different.

You see, I'm just
lookin' for tinfoil.


Yes, sir. It's a surprise
for Captain Martin.

You're gonna surprise Captain
Martin with a ball of tinfoil?

Oh, no, sir. The tinfoil
is just for the decoration.

The real surprise
is underneath that.

Carry on.

Yes, sir.

Good evenin', ma'am.

Is that a new way
to stand at attention?

No, ma'am. It's just that I know
how ladies like to be surprised.


I found 'em growin' wild
back yonder at the back gate.

They're for you. Take 'em.

Oh, uh...

That's very nice, Private.

But I'm afraid I don't have anything
to keep them in, so I can't accept...

How's this?

What's that? Homemade vase.

Pretty, ain't they?

Yes. Yes, they are.

This here vase is
just an old milk bottle

I found back of the mess hall.

I covered it in tinfoil
on account I didn't think

a vase ought to
say "low fat" on it.

Thank you, Private.

You're welcome, ma'am.

I think a lady should have
pretty things on her desk.

All right, Private, may as
well secure for the night.

Check that window,
will you? Yes, ma'am.

Shazam! Would you
look at that moon.

Boy, it'd sure be a great night
for gas watchin' back home.

Private, finish up and
you could shove off.

Yes, ma'am.

Gas watching?

Yes, ma'am.

Back home, I used to
work at this fillin' station.

Whenever there'd be a shiny
moon and I'd be workin' nights,

I used to spill out a
little gas on the concrete

and watch the reflection
that the moon made on it.

All them shiny colors
and runny lines.

I see.

Sometimes this girl I
knew named Ida Carrington,

she'd come over and sit with me,

and we'd eat a bag
of pine nuts together.

We'd just sit there and
look at all them runny lines

and listen to old Lester Pruit's
hound dog bayin' away at the moon.

Way off yonder, you could hear
the whistle off the Nashville train

passin' through.


And that's the only
sound there'd be.

Except, every once in
a while, Ida Carrington

crackin' open a pine
nut with her teeth.

I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't
mean to run off like that.

I'm sure a lady like you has got a
lot better memories of moonlit nights

than chompin' away at
pine nuts and lookin' at gas.

Well, I guess I'll shove off if the
Captain don't need nothin' else.

No. No, that'll be all.

Well, see you
tomorrow night, ma'am.

Good night, Captain.

Off to your nightly date
with Captain Ironpants?

I wish you'd stop
callin' her that.

Why? Well, it ain't
respectful, and she's a lady.

A lady? Oh, Gomer, look alive.

Well, she is, and she's
a real nice lady, too.

You know what I bet, Gomer?

I bet she's got a
tattoo on her arm.

You know what, Duke?

You ain't a gentleman, is what.

Huh? Talkin' that
way about a lady.

It's just crude talk.

DUKE: Oh, come on.

It's true. It ain't
nothin' but crude talk.

Gomer, it's just too bad you're
only a boot and she's a captain.

Otherwise, you
could take her out.

Can you picture that, fellas? Gomer
out dancin' with Captain Ironpants?

She'd probably wanna lead.

It's crude talk. It ain't
nothin' but crude talk.

You're crude, Duke!
You're awful crude!



Good evenin', Captain. I
didn't hear you come in.

This is an office,
Private, not a dance hall.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm sorry about that.

It's just that whenever I
hear any kind of music,

my feet just
naturally start movin'.

Before I know it,
all of me's movin'.

Do you dance, ma'am?

I beg your pardon?

I said, do you dance?


Oh, that's a shame.

That's a real shame. What?

I mean, 'cause dancin' is
just about the most fun there is,

once you get the hang of it.

Private, g-get
on with your work.

Yes, ma'am.


What now?

I bet there are a lot of
nice officers on this base

that are just dyin'
for you to learn.

Look, here... Like
that Colonel Van Pelt.

I seen him through the officers' club
window one night while I was on duty

and he was dancin' with a
girl not half as pretty as you.


you may go back
to your quarters now.

Yes, ma'am.


If you'll excuse
me for sayin' this.

Well, I know that you're
a top-notch Marine,

and you really work hard at it.

But you was a lady
before you was a Marine.

And a mighty fine lady, too.

So maybe if you'd work a little

at that...

I mean... Maybe...

Maybe my nickname
wouldn't be Ironpants?

Why, I...
(STAMMERING) I never...

Good night, ma'am.

Good night, Captain.
Good night, sir.


Captain Martin? Yes, sir?

That's very nice.
Whatever it is you have on.

Thank you, sir.

Very nice. Very nice, indeed.

Good evenin', ma'am. I was...

Whoa! Don't you
look nice, ma'am.

Thank you, Private.

Real, real nice.

Well, what would you like
for me to do this evenin'?

Private Pyle, you've completed your
week of extra duty with me, you know.

It won't be necessary for you
to come back here anymore.

Oh, heck!


I was beginnin' to enjoy
comin' here every evenin'

after chow, ma'am.

And I'm gonna miss it, is what.

But don't you worry. I won't forget
the lesson you wanted me to learn.

I'll salute all officers whether
they're man or woman.


And next time you come
passin' by, I know just what I'll do.

May I? Mmm-hmm.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

Very good, Private.
Thank you, ma'am.


I don't reckon I'll be seein'
much of you anymore, ma'am.

Goodbye, Private.

Goodbye, ma'am.

Private? Ma'am?

There are hundreds of men on this
base who salute me when I walk by.

If you should forget

and tip your hat
instead when I pass...

Well, if no one else is around,

I'll try not to notice.

Oh, don't you worry,
ma'am. I won't never forget.


Bye, ma'am.


All right, let's go!
Let's pick it all up!

Let's move it! Move it, move it!


Afternoon, sir.
Afternoon, ma'am.

As you were! All right,
let's go! Let's pick it all up!

Let's get this area cleaned up!

Something interesting
catch your eye, Private?

Don't she look nice, Sergeant?

Don't she look real nice?

Huh? Captain Martin.
Don't she look nice?

Bless her heart.

Pyle, that is a Marine
captain you're looking at.

That's all. A Marine captain!

Oh, yes, sir. But she's a lady.

She's a real fine lady.