Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 2 - Guest in the Barracks - full transcript

Gomer helps a recruit smuggle his girlfriend into the barracks.


Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.


Yes, sir! What
does that sign say?

Mess hall, sir!

And what do we use a
mess hall for, Hemsley?

Eating, sir! That's right!

And that's the
only place we eat!

We don't eat on the grounds!

We don't eat in the quarters!

We eat in the mess hall!

And we don't take
any food out of there!

Get rid of it! Yes, sir!

And we don't waste
food, do we, Hemsley?

No, sir!

Will you remember that?

(MUFFLED) Yes, sir!

Move it!


You know what, Pyle?
I think you're gettin' fat!

sir, they do feed good in there.

I mean, that's real town eatin'.

What are you, some
kind of chowhound?

Pull in that gut. Yes, sir.

I said pull in that
gut! Pull in that gut!

You know, gut-pullin'-in is
one of my biggest weaknesses.

I know I'll get the
hang of it, though.

I've made up my mind to it.

Gut-pullin'-in. Yes, sir.

How many times did you
go through that chow line?

Twice, sir. What
are you trying to do?

You got a lot of fat
between your ears,

now you're trying to match
it up further down? Is that it?

Well, sir, I guess I'm just
one of them unlucky people.

Take after my mama's
side of the family. Huh?

Well, on my mama's
side of the family,

every blessed thing
they eat turns right into fat,

but on my daddy's
side, it's just the opposite.

They can eat and eat and eat,
and it don't hardly ever show.

Pyle. Used to make
my mama so mad.

She'd say to daddy, "How
come you can eat and eat and eat

"and it don't hardly ever show,

"and I can eat just a
little bit and it just..."

Stow it!

Now, let's watch it!
Cut down on the spuds!

That's another thing.

Daddy could eat all
the taters he wanted to,

but mama would just eat
one tater... Knock it off!

Now, move out! Yes, sir.

Pull it in, pull it in!

That's another thing. Mama
used to try to pull it in and...

Get outta here! Go, go, go!

Hey, Joey.

I brought you somethin' to eat.

See here. I got some
little, boiled taters

and some... some weenies

and some bread, a
little cartoon of milk.

That was cold
sittin' up against me.

That's... That's real
swell of you, Gomer.

Go on and eat it fast before
the Sergeant comes back.

I can't.

Y-You're a real goombah,
but... Thanks, I can't.

But you gotta eat somethin'.

You'll just knot up
inside if you don't.

That's what happens
when you don't eat.

You just get all knotted up
inside. Here, eat somethin'.

It's no use! I just
don't feel like eatin'!

Look, I know you was taking a
big chance sneaking this stuff out,

and... and I appreciate
it. You know what I mean?

But I just can't!

Come on, Joey, you
gotta stop mopin'.

She's gonna write
to you any day now.

You'll see, there's
gonna be a letter.

Of all the dumb, idiotic things,

I have to have a
fight with my girl

just before I leave
for boot camp.


She'll write to you any
day now. You'll see.

When? When, already?
It's two weeks, and nothing!


Joey, you gotta quit hittin'
yourself in the head like that.

You gonna make yourself loopy.

Why won't she write, huh,
Gomer? Why won't she write?


I imagine it's 'cause what
you said to her mama.

You oughtn't have told her
mama to go jump in the lake.

Why not, huh? Why not?

Me and Rosemary were all for
gettin' married on my first leave,

and then her mother... Oh, her
mother! You know what she says?

She says, "What's the rush?

"Let's make sure first he doesn't
get a dishonorable discharge."

So I tell her to go
jump in the lake.

Now, the old lady gets mad,
Rosey gets mad, I get mad,

and here I am with no letters!

You oughtn't said that.


Joey, you gotta quit doin' that.

MAN: Sergeant Carter's
on his way, you guys.


All you people listen up!

Tomorrow being Sunday,
it's a day of recreation!

Does that make you people happy?

ALL: Yes, sir.

Then look happy!

What's the matter?
Aren't you happy here?

ALL: Yes, sir!

Well, let's hear it!

We're happy, sir.
I can't hear you!

We're happy, sir! Okay!

Tomorrow will be
a recreation day

for all of you, except one.

I need one of you people

to air some mattresses out back.

Now, who needs
a little exercise?

Who is a chowhound

that needs to work
off a little extra lard?

What time, sir?

Believe me, Miss
Cassanetti, I sympathize,

but our regulations in this
connection are very specific.

Recruits are not
permitted visitors

until they have completed
four weeks of training.

Private Lombardi has
not been here that long.

But can't I see
him for a minute?

I came such a long
way, and it's Sunday.

I'm very sorry,

but if we start making
exceptions there'll be no end to it.

Why don't you write to him?

Well, up until last night, my
mother wouldn't even let me do that.

But I finally showed her
where she was wrong,

and I rushed right over here.

Can't I see him? I gotta
tell him everything's all right.

I really would like to help
you. I hope you'll understand.

Well, thanks anyway.

Today, being Sunday,
is a day of recreation!

I wanna see every one
of you people participating

and having fun!

I don't wanna catch
anybody not having fun!

Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, sir!

What are you going to have?

Fun, sir! Fall out!

What's the matter with
you? Can I be excused, sir?

I don't feel too good, sir.

You don't feel too good, where?

My stomach, sir.

You mean you don't
want to get out there

with the rest of those
people and have fun?

No, sir. If you don't mind, sir.

Well, I do mind!

So next Sunday, you
be out there and have fun.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Hey, ma'am.


Are you waitin' on
somebody? Well, kind of.

I was hoping I'd catch a glimpse of
my boyfriend. He's stationed here.

Oh, but it's such a big
place, and there's so many.

I'll never find him.

Well, who is your boyfriend,
ma'am? If I ain't bein' too personal.

Maybe I know him.

I sure doubt it.

His name's Lombardi.
Joey Lombardi.

Joey Lombardi? Do I know him!

Why, Joey and me is buddies!

You don't mean it! I sure do!

Why, he sleeps in the bed
right next to me. I mean "bunk."

You don't ever say
"bed" down here.

Don't ever let a Drill
Instructor hear you say

"bed" or "floor."

It's a "bunk" and
the floor is "deck"

and the wall is "bulkhead."

Betcha don't know
what they call a door.

A "hatch."

Tell me about Joey.
You really know him?

I sure do. Imagine
runnin' into you like this.

Hey, you got to be Rosemary.

That's right.

Well, would you pay attention
to this! It's like they say.

It's a little bitty
world, ain't it?

Pleased to meet you,
ma'am. I'm Gomer Pyle.

Hello, Gomer. Joey
told you about me?

About all there is to tell.

Gomer, how is he?

Well, he mopes around a lot, and
he don't eat much, and he don't sleep,

and he hits hisself
in the head a lot.

Other than that,
though, he's just fine.

Poor Joey.

Gosh, he's gonna be
so tickled to see you,

he ain't gonna quit
grinnin' for a month.

But I can't see him!

Huh? Why not?

Oh, well, I don't have
permission. You see, I was...

Well, you got my permission.

You come all this way
to see your loved one

and not see him.
Why, that'd be cruel.

Come on, I'm gonna
take you to your loved one.

Why, that'd be a
terrible disappointment,

if you didn't get to
see your loved one.

You just come on with me.

Hey, Joey.

Hey, Gomer.



Rosey! Oh, Rosey! Oh, Joey.

That's who it is, all right. It's
Rosemary, your loved one.

JOEY: I missed
you so much, baby.


(SOBBING) Oh, Rosey.


What are you cryin' for? You ain't supposed
to do that. You're supposed to be happy.


You're supposed to be happy.
You ain't supposed to do that.

ROSEY: Oh, Joey. Gosh!
What do you folks do at funerals?

Oh, baby.

Gomer says you're not eating.

Why don't you eat,
Joey? You'll get sick.

I couldn't eat, I
couldn't sleep. Nothing!

Oh, but everything's
gonna be okay now.

Hey, hey. That was
real nice of the Colonel

to give you permission
to come see me.

But what are you
doing back here?

They don't allow anybody
back here, especially women.

I didn't, Joey. I didn't get
permission from the Colonel.

No? Well, who gave
you permission? Him.

Him? Me.

He brought you in here?

What's the matter? Joey,
are you gonna get in trouble?



What's going on? Who's this?

Hey, fellers. This is
Rosemary, Joey's girl.

She's his loved one.

Say "hey" to the
fellers, Miss Rosemary.


ALL: Hi, Rosemary.

Are you guys nuts? Standing
around with the introductions!

There's a civilian back here.

And a female civilian! I know,
I know. We were just going!

What are you worried about,
Duke? It's my girl and my problem!

Oh, no, it isn't, buster.
It's everybody's problem!

They find her back here and we
all get the boom lowered on us!

All right, all right. Look, we'll
take her out the way she came in!

DUKE: Well, how'd she come
in here, anyway? I brung her.

You brung... Gomer,
what's the matter with you,

sneaking a dame in the barracks?

We didn't sneak. I was
bringin' in some mattresses,

and Miss Rosemary just
come along right beside us.

Oh, Gomer, you sneaked
her in behind a mattress?

We didn't sneak!
Okay, you didn't sneak!

Don't care much
for that expression.

Oh, boys, I'm so sorry. I'm
gonna get you all in trouble.

No, you're not, Miss Rosemary.
Now, don't you fret none.

Hey, guys, think of something
quick! Here comes the Sergeant!

We didn't sneak.


What'll we do?
Get under the bunk!

GOMER: Wait a
minute! Wait a minute!

I really think we ought to
tell the Sergeant the truth.


MAN: Ten-hut!


Well, did you people
have your recreation?

ALL: Yes, sir! And
did you have fun?

Yes, sir!

Did you finish with
that mattress detail?

Yes, sir. And I
had fun, too, sir.


It was just the recreation I
needed for a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Well, that's just
dandy. Maybe I...


Who is using perfumed soap?

All right, who's using
fancy shaving lotion?

Now, look. There's one thing
you people have a right to know!

And that is, my nose don't lie!

Whatever it is, get rid of it!

You expect to be Marines?
You better smell like 'em!

And that ain't a Marine
smell! Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, sir! All right!



MAN: He's gotta get rid of her.

Hold it! Hold it! Gomer,
go get a mattress.

Huh? Hurry up! Get the mattress!

Let's go. Hurry.

Gomer sneaked her
in behind a mattress.

It oughta work the
same way going out.

Come on, Gomer. Sneak
her out the same way.

It wasn't sneakin'.

Okay. Okay. All
right... I don't sneak.

All right. The rest of us
better stay here and lay low,

so we don't attract
any attention.

Oh, Joey. I'm so sorry
for making all this trouble.

Come on, come on. Now, Gomer,
keep her hidden behind that mattress!

Keep her hidden! Gung-ho.

That means, "Everybody
workin' together."

Go! Go!

JOEY: Goodbye, Rosey.

Good afternoon, sir. What
are you doing, Private?

Mattress detail, sir.

On Sunday?

Yes, sir. Sergeant said I
need to work off some lard.

Carry on. Yes, sir.

Go ahead.

I think we can go now, Rosemary.

I don't think it
would hurt, anyways.




I thought you finished
this mattress detail.

Yes, sir. I did, sir.

But not quite, sir. No, sir.

Well, finish it! Get those
mattresses back on the double!

Yes, sir.


Gomer Pyle?

Stay right where you are.

Don't move. Don't go no place.

Just stay right there.

Gomer, where did she
go? Where did she go?

What do you mean you lost her!

Where were you when
the officer showed up?

Well, I was somewhere
near Sergeant Carter's hut.

ALL: Oh, no!

Oh, she wouldn't
have gone in there.

HEMSLEY: Hey, you guys!

Here he comes, with
murder in his eye!

This is it, fellas! Zero hour!

MAN: Ten-hut!


Just one thing. Why?

Sir... What are you
trying to do to me?

You wanna destroy
me, is that it?

Sir... Sixteen years
in the Marine Corps.

Sir... Five Good Conduct
Medals, cited for bravery in Korea,

three Honor Platoons in a row.

Sir... Sixteen years of
working hard, sacrificing,

trying to make good. Sixteen years
to get to the top of my profession,

and you gotta foul
the whole thing up

by stashing a dame in my locker!

But I didn't... Pyle!

Do you have any idea
what they'll do with me

if they find a dame stashed
in a Drill Instructor's locker?

Do you know the best
that can happen to me?

If I'm lucky, I'll go
to Leavenworth!

You see, that's in Kansas,
not too far from my hometown!

Sir... What do you want?

Sir, the girl in your locker
happens to be my girl.

Gomer was just trying
to get her off the base.

It's all my fault that Gomer...

No, it's not your fault, Joey.

I'm the one that
brought her on to here.

But she's my girl and
she came here to see...

But I told her that she
could come on here...

Gomer, she wouldn't
have come if it were...

You never would...
Knock it off! Both of you!

Let me think.

Sir, if I may suggest,

the best way is always
the easy, direct way.

Why don't I go up
to Colonel and say,

"Colonel, we got this problem.

"You see, we got this young
lady in Sergeant Carter..."

Don't you say anything.

Don't move, don't
talk, don't even breathe.

But it's my responsibility.
It was your responsibility.

But now it's on my
back. Do you understand?

It's now my
responsibility! Mine!

You, I'll take care of later!

Right now, we gotta get
that girl out of here and fast!

I got it.

We leave her in the locker.
That's how we get her out.

We walk her out, locker and all.

Now, that's sneaky.
What I done wasn't sneaky.

Knock it off!

Easy, easy. That's
my girl in there.

Yeah. Don't jangle
his loved one.

All right, let's go.
This way, this way.

Good afternoon, sir.

Good afternoon. What
have we got here, Sergeant?

Personal locker. A little,
uh, paint and repair, sir.

Yes, sir. A little repair
job and some paint.

Looks like they did a good job.

Here, I'll hold
the door for you.

Thank you, sir.

Hold it, hold it! You
got her upside down!

Rosey, are you all right?

ROSEY: I-I'm all right.


I'm sorry your locker
idea didn't work.


I may only get
chewed out for this.

Then again, I might
lose my stripes

and get busted down
to a buck private.

I might even get sent to
the brig for... Who knows?

Say, a month, a year.

But one day, they'll let me out.

And when they do,

I'm going to look for you.

I'm going to look and look

until I find you.

Because I'll find you.

And when I find you,

I'm not gonna
kill you right away.

Not right away.

But, sir... First, I gotta figure
out how I'm going to kill you.

Oh, it might be
by strangulation.

Or it might be... Sir.

You've got every
right to feel that way.

This whole thing's my fault.

I thought I was
helpin' out a buddy,

and I never expected
to get you into trouble.

I just feel terrible.

Do you really? Oh, yes, sir.

No, not yet, not yet.

Sir, what I wanted to say is,

I got this idea of how to get
Miss Rosemary out of here,

and I'm sure it'll work.

You are, huh?

I promise, and if it don't,

you can go ahead and
strangulate me right here.

All right, you people!
Let's move! Let's move!

You in there, come on!
Let's move! Dress it up!

Left face!

Forward march!

Left, right, left!

Oh, now, there's an
eager beaver for you.

Don't even let his
boots off on Sunday.

You know, maybe that's how
he gets those Honor Platoons.


CARTER: Left, right, left,
right, left, two, three, four...

Left and left, two,
three, right, left...

Company, left turn!

Left, right, left, right! Left,
two, three, right, left, right, left!

Right... Turn!

Left, right, left,
right, left, right!

Right, left, right, left!

Get in line!

Get in there!

Fourty-nine, sir. Fifty!

Fifty, sir. On your feet!

Of all the dumb,
stupid things to do,

bringing a dame
into your quarters!

Dumb and stupid,
stupid and dumb.

Now, I don't want a sign,
not a smell or a trace,

that there was a girl in
this area! Do you hear me?

Yes, sir. All
taken care of, sir.

I'll have you doin' push-ups
till you're an old man!

Yes, sir.

All right, get outta
here! Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir.
Sorry, sir. Aye, aye, sir.

What a knucklehead.

He's the worst.

He always manages
to find somehow to...

Hmm, cute!

Are you gonna wear
this Saturday night?