Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 26 - Double Date with the Sarge - full transcript

Gomer decides to find a girl of his own after meeting Sergeant Carter's girlfriend.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

(HUMMING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
GOMER: Sergeant Carter?

What is it, Pyle?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Hey, can I ask you some advice?

Later, Pyle. I'm
going into town.

Well, so am I, that's what
the advice is all about,

goin' into town.



You want to know
how to get there?

No. More like what you
do after you get there.

What do you mean,
"After you get there"?

Well, I thought that you bein'
a man of the world and all,

maybe you could give me
some tips on what to do.

Well, maybe.

(EXCLAIMS)

Mmm-mmm! That
stuff sure smells good!

Just ask them at the
PX for my special brand.

I sure wish I could meet
a girl that smelled like that.

It's a very manly aroma, Pyle.

Must be some very lucky
young lady waitin' on you in town.

Pyle...

Do you really want
to hear something?



Well, yeah, exceptin'
if it's a secret.

I don't want to hear no secret,

because then if it gets out,
it'll look like I told when I didn't,

so if you don't mind,
Sergeant... It's not a secret, Pyle!

That's good, because
then if it gets out...

Do you want to hear
this or don't you?

I'm just standin' here waitin'.

Pyle...

I think I finally found
the girl who may be

Miss Right.

Really? What's her first name?

Diane!

Oh, Diane. Say, that's pretty.
And I bet she's pretty, too.

Yeah, comes from a
very wealthy background.

She's probably a debutante.

Well, think of
that, a debutante.

Yeah, but she's very
independent, though.

She has a job at a bar.

That's nice.

Hey, if I see y'all in town,

would you kind of walk her
past me so I can say, "Hey"?

I don't think I ever
seen a debutante.

If we run into you, sure.

Now, I'll see you later, Pyle.

Sergeant, you never did tell me.

Tell you what?
What to do in town.

Oh.

I don't guess you'd
want to tell me

where you meet girls like the
one you met. That there debutante.

Don't let this get around, Pyle.

Yeah?

Well, there's this
crazy, wild group, see,

that plays Chinese
checkers at the U.S.O.

Shazam!

You know that I've
been lookin' all over

for a place to play
Chinese checkers.

There ain't nothin'
more excitin'

than a good game
of Chinese checkers.

Golly, Sergeant,
I sure thank you.

Sure do. Chinese checkers.

I don't think I've played
that since I left home.

(HORNS HONKING)

$4, $5, $5.50.

$5.50 in tips all day.

How did you do? I
didn't even make that.

Boy, Dixie, you know,
we ought to quit this joint.

The tips are terrible,
and the clientele is rotten.

Isn't the clientele rotten?

Look, I always told you
the clientele here is rotten.

But it beats workin'
in the laundry.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, don't be fresh.

Oh, I wasn't bein' fresh, ma'am.

I said "Hey" on account
of I thought you said "Hey"

'cause you thought you knew me.

Back home, we say
"Hey" to everybody,

whether we know 'em or
not. It's real friendly-like.

So, hey. What language is that?

No, when this other
lady said "Hey" to me,

I thought she said "Hey"
to me because she was...

Will you just knock it
off? Will you knock it off?

Say that again. Huh?

What you just
said. Say it again.

Knock it off!

That's it. You know you
sound just like my sergeant.

Like what?

What I mean is,
that's a compliment.

He's such a nice feller and all,

even though he
does yell a whole lot.

Who's yelling?

No, it's just that, if you
wanted to sound like a feller,

you couldn't think
of a nicer one than...

I'm on my way to the U.S.O.

Are you ladies on
your way to the U.S.O.?

What goes on there?

Oh, you're just pullin' my leg.

You know what I think?

I think you two ladies are part of
that wild Chinese checker crowd.

Huh?

Oh, you're just pullin' my leg.

Maybe I'll see you
later on over there.

So, hey for now.

Hey!

What was that?

He's either got the
greatest line I've ever heard,

or he's some kind of a nut.

I'm voting for nut.

You know somethin'?

I think he's kind of
cute... For a Marine.

But you don't like Marines.

I know.

Diane, do I really
sound like a sergeant?

Oh, well, you can
find out for yourself.

Here comes mine now.

Hey!

(LAUGHING)

That's your rich playboy?

Oh, he says he's only
in the Marines for kicks,

but don't let on you know.

He wants to be
just one of the fellas.

Looky, looky, looky,
here comes cookie!

Oh! Not in the street!

For heaven's sakes, put me down.

Oh, Vince, I'd like you to meet

my very best girlfriend, Dixie.

Dixie, this is
Sergeant Vince Carter.

Hiya, Dix.

Hi.

Ready to roll, babe?

Well, Vince, you
might ask my girlfriend

if we could drop her someplace

or maybe she could come along.

Yeah. I think I'll
go to the U.S.O.

What? What?

If you haven't tried
it, don't knock it.

Hey!

(LAUGHING) Oh, Vince!

Not in the public street,
for heaven's sakes!

Let's roll, baby!

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Oh, hey, ma'am.

You decided to come over
here after all, didn't you?

Say, do you really think
I sound like a sergeant?

Oh, no, ma'am, it's just
that he's always sayin' to me,

"Knock it off, Pyle."

He says that because
that's my name, Gomer Pyle.

You're puttin' me on.

Private Gomer Pyle.
That's my name and title.

What's yours?

Dixie.

Hey, that's real nice, Dixie.

Won't you sit down, Miss Dixie?

I don't sit down with Marines...

Usually.

I sure am glad you come along.

Do you know that I couldn't find

a single Chinese checker
player in this whole place?

Oh, that's a shame.

What is it, some sort
of a Marine game?

I learned to play back home.

Just about everybody in town
back home plays Chinese checkers.

I bet you can't
guess where I'm from.

China.

China?

(LAUGHING) Oh,
that's a good one.

China, 'cause I play
Chinese checkers.

No, ma'am. There
ain't no connection.

I'm from the South.

No.

Yeah. Honest, I am.

What else you got goin' for you?

Huh?

What do you do besides
the Chinese checkers?

Oh, well, there are things

that I generally do around town,

but I expect you've
done 'em all, though.

Like what?

Well, like watchin' them turn the
fountain on in the public square.

Really.

And then there's this
free organ recital on

at the First Community Church.

And there's a Godzilla movie on

that's right down the street.

What's a Godzilla?

Oh, he's this monster that
shows up from time to time.

Haven't you ever
seen him before?

I've seem 'em all, Godzilla,

and Son Of Godzilla

and The Bride Of Godzilla.

You sure you never
have seen one?

See, he's this monster that
comes up from the ocean floor

and attacks cities.

And we're gonna
do all these things?

Well, if you'd like to, ma'am.

Okay.

Before we go, though,

do you mind if I asked you
a personal question, ma'am?

Uh-oh, here it comes.

I might have known.

Okay, let's have it.

Are you one of them debutantes?

Well, kind of.

I knew it.

The first time I seen you
on the street down there,

I knew you was one
of them debutantes.

'Cause you sure are
pretty enough to be one.

How long have you
been one, anyway?

(WHISTLING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hey, Sergeant. What
do you want, Pyle?

I sure do want to thank you

for that tip you
gave me last night

about that there Chinese
checker crowd at the U.S.O.

What?

Well, I didn't exactly
find that there crowd,

but I did meet a
real nice young lady.

At the U.S.O.?

Well, not exactly at the U.S.O.

It was kind of on the way there.

Oh. You see, I bumped into her

and she said "Hey."

And so I thought she
was just bein' friendly...

Great, great.

But I'm in a hurry now, Pyle.

I'm going into town.

Well, so am I.

We done all those real
nice things last night

like goin' to the Godzilla movie

and watchin' them turn on the
fountain in the public square.

Crazy.

Tonight she said she'd
think of somethin' for us to do.

I wonder what she'll think of.

Been to the petunia festival?

No, is there one?

Forget it.

You know somethin'? You
sound just like she does.

Wonderful, Pyle.

There's nothing I'd like better

than to hear about this date,

but I've got to go into town,

and I've got to call Diane.

Diane the debutante?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, well, if you're goin' into
town and you want some company,

I'm going in, too. I'm
not going in right away.

Oh, I can wait.

Why don't you go ahead,
Pyle? Maybe I'll see you there.

Well, I sure would like for
this young lady to meet you.

You two bein' so
much alike and all.

Swell, swell.

Baby doll?

Lover-boy.

(LAUGHING)

What time tonight, kissin' bug?

A double date?

Well, I know she's
your best girlfriend,

but I thought maybe
you and me could...

Yeah, Diane, yeah.

Sure. Oh, sure.

As long as I'm with you, baby.

Yeah.

As soon as I can get there.

So long, sweet lips.

(LAUGHING ROMANTICALLY)

We were just cleaning the
dishes, and we're going out.

I never believe her
anyway, you know,

'cause she's always
doing something like that.

So I says to her,
I says, "Dixie,

"you want to double
with two Marines?"

'Cause you know how many times

I've asked her to double with me

when I've had a Marine
who had a friend?

Hundreds. Yeah.

Later, Vince.

So I says to her, I says
"Dixie, what's this guy got,

"this guy you went out with?"

And you know what
she tells me? You know?

Mmm-mmm. She tells me,

"I think he's putting
me on." Yeah?

So, I just looked at her,
you know, and I said,

"Well, what kind of
a pass did he make?"

Oh, later, Vince.

And you know what she tells me?

What?

She tells me, "He
didn't make a pass.

"I think he's putting me on."

Well, this guy I
just don't believe.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Vince!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You know, sometimes you
don't act like a rich playboy.

You act just like a Marine.

Well, this guy
you're talking about,

what's his name?
Maybe I know him.

I don't know.
Dixie didn't tell me.

Well, what is... what is he?

What is he? He's a private.

Look, I'm not gonna spend my
whole night with a knucklehead private!

What are we gonna do?

Oh, Dixie said he
likes to do kooky things.

If he wasn't putting
her on. Like what?

Oh, go to monster movies.

But no action, you
know, just eating popcorn.

What else? Oh,

and watching them turn on the
colored lights at the town fountain.

Can you imagine?

(SNICKERING) No.

No, it... it can't be true. No.

Are you feeling all right?

I've been good to my mother.

I haven't lied too much.

And when I open my
eyes, it'll all go away.

Don't look over that
way. Just stand up.

Maybe we can get
out the back way.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

There's my girlfriend, Dixie!

Hey, Dixie! Hi, come on over!

Oh, hi, Diane!

Glad you got here!

Well, I thought
we'd never find you.

Why, it's Sergeant Carter!

Hey, this is gonna be fun.

A double date with the Sarge!

Well, I'll be!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Sergeant Carter!

Well, if this ain't
the nicest surprise!

You sure look surprised. Yeah.

Yeah, well, sit down.

I guess everybody
knows everybody.

We sure do.

You see, I bumped into
these ladies outside the U.S.O.,

and Dixie here says "Hey."

And I thought she said
"Hey" 'cause she knew me,

so I turned around and
I said "Hey" right back.

Pyle, knock it off.

See how much he sounds like you?

Just like I was telling you.

I sound like him?

What's the matter
with the way I sound?

(GROANS) DIANE: You
know what this proves?

You two bein' buddies?

That it's a small world.

I was just thinkin'
the same thing myself.

It's a small world. It
really is a small world.

Well, everybody
always says that,

but this really proves it.

It's a small world.

It really and truly is.

Oh, boy.

I don't think I
sound at all like him.

Well, the person
hisself or herself

is always the last one to know.

Like this girl back
home, Earlene Pridus.

Everybody in town thought
she looked just like me.

She was real tall and skinny.

Well, she couldn't
see it at all.

And the fellers all kept
takin' her possum-huntin',

and she kept wonderin' why
they never would kiss her,

and all the time, it was
because that she was...

Will you knock it off?

With your eyes closed, wouldn't
you swear that was Dixie talkin'?

Look, uh, it's been nice knowin'
you kids. Come on, Diane.

Hey, where are you going?

We're having dinner with my
girlfriend and her boyfriend.

And this looks like
a real fine place.

You can't eat here. It's a bar.

Yes, you can. State law.

Law says if you ask
for somethin' to eat,

they got to serve it to you, even
though it's just a slice of bread.

Well, who wants
a slice of bread?

Well, bread can be
real good sometimes,

especially if it's home-baked.

I'll ask the waitress if they
bake their own bread here.

Oh, miss!

Pyle, pipe down!

He yells at me
like that all the time.

I could eat a horse.

Uh, we'll go find
a place to eat.

Come on, Diane.
We'll go with you.

No, no, no, no,
you two stay here.

You got lots to talk about,
like home-baked bread.

When we find a
place, we'll call you.

Come on, Diane.

We're not going to my
apartment before we eat.

Diane!

Hey, maybe we could
all go over there later on

and play a game of
Chinese checkers.

It can be real
excitin' with four.

Sounds great. We'll call you.

Come on!

Okay, but remember what I said.

We're not going to my
apartment before we eat.

We eat first. Is that clear?

Shh. Okay, okay! Okay.

That's your buddy?

Oh, he's more than that.

Ever since boot camp, he's been
like a mama and a daddy to me.

I go to sleep at night
and wake up in the mornin'

just hearin' him yellin' at me.

Well, what do we do now?

Well, we'll just sit here
and wait on his call.

Sergeant said he'd call us

as soon as he found a place
that baked their own bread.

Don't you think we
should call them?

Uh, Dixie and what's-his-name?

Uh, later, baby.

Uh, they can join
us for dessert.

That'll be nice. Yeah.

I think he's kind of cute.

(LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

I think he's a knucklehead.

I have to look at him all
day long. That's enough.

GOMER: Hey, Sergeant Carter!

Hey, where you been?

Come on in! Sit down!

A person could starve to
death waiting for you to call.

How could I call you
when you didn't stay there?

Oh, I'd have stayed there all
night if it'd been left up to me.

Then why didn't you?

Because you may be a
mommy and a daddy to him,

but you sound a
little finky to me!

Now, listen, sister...

Now, you listen to me
and don't call me "sister"!

Look, I'm not gonna
call you... (ARGUING)

Now that we're
all here, let's order.

I don't like the menu.

What's the matter with it?

There are too many choices.

A really fine
restaurant, it specializes.

It's, uh, famous for
maybe one or two dishes.

You know somethin'? He's right.

Back in our mess hall, we got
the best food you ever tasted,

and they never do
give you no choice.

They just slap it
down and that's it.

So why'd you come
here if the food's no good?

The drinks. Great drinks here.

That's why I want you
two kids to stay here

and have a couple
of drinks on me.

We'll go over and
get a table at Rivelli's.

That's real nice,
Sergeant, but I don't drink.

Fine.

I'll have two.

You're a doll, you know that?

Yeah, well, so are you, buddy...

Look, sister, I don't want to
put up with you all evening!

Don't you two start up again!

Rivelli's. You can't miss it.

Yeah, well, who's worried
about us missing it?

Have a ball, kids.
Come on, Diane.

He sure is carryin' on just to
make this a real fine double date.

(LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

You know, this place
has a lot of class.

A lot of class.

Look, why don't we
just finish these drinks...

I'm not getting back in
your car with you, Vince,

not until after dinner!

Do you know something,
Vince? You've got no respect.

Shh. Okay, okay.

I respect you, I respect you.

That sure is funny
about Sergeant Carter.

Even though he
wasn't at Rivelli's,

I think we ought to have waited.

Sergeant Carter is a fink.

Do you hear me? He's finky.

He ain't no fink. You just
don't know him like I do.

He's a fink.

We went to Rivelli's, looked
all over. He wasn't there.

Besides, the food's
much better here.

And he's a fink.

He ain't no fink. You ought to
be in our platoon for just one week

and you'd change your mind.

Your platoon's got
enough problems.

He's a fink, and
let's get a table.

Okay. But he ain't no fink.

You do not, Vince! You
do not know what respect is!

I do. I told you.

All right, then, what
is it? What is respect?

I told you...

Besides, you can't respect
me and not respect my girlfriend.

I respect your girlfriend.

I respect the whole world
except that jug-headed,

slanted-jawed excuse for a...

GOMER: Hey, Sergeant!

He's here! Surprise again!

Yeah.

Didn't you say Rivelli's?

Yeah, but... You're a fink!

Did I say it? He's a fink!

Now, look, you, I've had
about all I'm gonna take!

Shut up!

(MILDLY) It'll be four, Captain.

Well... Here we are,
all together again.

What I think we
ought to do is...

No! The food is great here,

and my girlfriend and
her boyfriend are here,

and we eat!

You got the message? We eat!

Okay, I was just
about to say that.

Are we ready to eat, sir?

Boy, are we!

You're not just
kiddin', Charlie.

May I recommend
the filet mignon steak?

You sold me. Make
that two. Medium rare.

Why don't we all have the filet?

Hey, he'll order later with me.
We want to look some more.

Very well, sir.

Look at the price
on that filet mignon.

Don't let that hold you back.

Vince is only a rich playboy
in the Marines for kicks.

Huh? A playboy?

I told you not to tell.

Well, if it's a secret, I don't
want to hear it because...

Why don't we all have
some more drinks?

Yeah, order some more drinks while
we go to the powder room to freshen up.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Just tell me one thing.

How much money
have you got on you?

$4.08.

To get by without
washing dishes,

order the tuna fish sandwich.

I'll order a glass
of buttermilk.

When it comes, you say you're
not hungry and offer me half.

But hadn't you rather
have that filet steak?

Tuna fish. But it's a whole...

Tuna fish. Tuna fish it is.

(EXCLAIMING GREEDILY)

Gosh, that sure looks good.

Mmm, smells good, too.

Ooh, isn't this marvelous?

Thank you.

Will that be all, sir?

Yeah, where are the vegetables?

The filet is a la carte, ma'am.

Oh, you're kidding!

You can't eat without
vegetables. It ain't a meal!

It sure ain't.

I mean, it's just
eating plain meat.

What are we, animals?

Have the asparagus with
the hollandaise sauce, Dixie.

That's fattening, lots
of calories, you know.

I'll have that, too.

Ooh, do you know
what I'd just love?

Do you have a baked potato

with sour cream and chive?

WAITER: Yes, ma'am.
DIXIE: Oh, make it two.

And we'll order our dessert
when we have our brandy.

Very good, ma'am.

(LAUGHS)

Semper fidelis!

Say, I'd bet you was a Marine.

How'd you guess?

Well, it takes one to know one.

(LAUGHS) World War II.

Well, ain't it a small world?

Why don't you pull you
up a chair and sit down?

Well, thank you.

I'll bet you had some
excitin' times back then.

Yes, gung ho!

GOMER: I studied all about that.

You fought in the Pacific.

No, I was a cook
in North Carolina,

but we had some times there.

Pyle, they brought
your sandwich.

Oh.

I am not very hungry.

Well, good. I'll
share it with you.

Well, anyhow, there was this
mess sergeant who had it in for me.

You know how sergeants are.

No offense, Sergeant.

And, we had this big argument

over macaroni and
cheese casserole. Well...

I just love these war stories.

(GRUNTS)

The captain turns to the
mess sergeant, and he says,

"Sergeant, this is the best
macaroni and cheese casserole

"I ever ate."

(LAUGHS)

That sure is a fine story.

And I admire your memory, too.

You remembered
every little detail.

Yeah.

I think we ought to buy
him a drink, Sergeant.

(MUTTERING) Pyle!

Well, uh, wonderful
talkin' to you folks.

Uh, hope I run into
you again sometime.

I sure hope so, too.

You sure we couldn't
buy you a drink?

Pyle!

You know, Diane, I
think I ate too much.

Mmm, not me.

I could start all over again.

What could I have without
making a pig of myself?

Do you have any fresh fruit?

Well, fruit I could eat.

A-A-About this check...
(CHUCKLING) Oh, no!

You think I'd let two
Marines pay the check?

It's on me! Everything's on me.

Huh?

Yes, sir. You're right,
boy. I'm your host.

Only trouble is, Sergeant,
you know, you don't eat enough.

You got to keep
up your strength.

Now, next time, you
order steak, hear?

Bye-bye.

Buy bonds.

You know, I think
this is just about

the best double
date I was ever on.

(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

How are you, Sergeant?

Hello!

(CHUCKLING)

Your first visit?

Yeah, well, the fact is I don't
usually come to the U.S.O.

Tonight, I happen
to be a little broke.

But no offense. Of course.

But now that I'm here,
I'm, uh, sure glad I came.

(CHUCKLING)

Sergeant, do you
play Chinese checkers?

Chinese checkers?

Love the game.

Love the game! Let's go!

Come with me.

Lead the way.

I finally found a man who
loves Chinese checkers.

Have fun.

Sergeant Carter!

Well, if this ain't
the nicest surprise!

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

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