Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 27 - The Jet Set - full transcript

Duke talks Gomer into taking a jeep to the airport.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

So, I'd certainly
appreciate it, Sergeant,

if you'd have one of your men run
into town and do this little errand.

Yes, sir, I'd do it for
you personally, sir,

but I'm duty sergeant today,
and I can't get off the base.

But I'll have one of my
men take care of it. Fine.

Whenever Congressman
Holiday pays us a visit,

I always have a box of
his favorite cigars on hand.



It's the only brand he smokes.

And since it's a good idea
to keep congressmen happy,

I thought we'd pick
him up a box. Yes, sir.

That's the place,

C.J. Ware Tobacco
Company, 180 Grant Street.

It's the only place
you can get 'em.

I'll have them on your
desk in no time, sir.

No rush, as long as they're
here by about noon tomorrow

when the Congressman
gets here. Yes, sir.

Duke, now I'm gonna miss my bus.

Please, Larry? I just gotta
see my girl. I just gotta.

What do you say?

Duke, you know if I had the
money to spare, I'd lend it to you,

but I only got enough to see that
movie, and I gotta see the movie.



Do you mind?

Movie? What are you
talkin' about, a movie?

Look, I'll take
anything you got.

I need $10, but I wanna
see my girl. Please.

Well, I wanna see my girl, too,

Sophia Loren.

Thanks.

Oh, Gomer. Gomer, buddy,

am I glad to see you.

Listen, pal, can
you do me a favor?

Well, sure, Duke. What good is
a friend for if he can't help you?

I need some money.
Sorry, I can't help you.

Please, Gomer.

I got a real important
date tonight,

that airline stewardess, Patty
Gillette. I told you all about her.

Oh, yeah, the one
that's always flyin'

back and forth to San
Francisco. Yeah, that's the one.

Well, I didn't tell you
everything about her.

See, she's just not
any ordinary girl.

She's... Well, I think
I'm in love with her.

Golly, Duke.

That's wonderful.
And best wishes to you.

Yeah, well, this is the first
Saturday she's had off in weeks,

and, well, that's why I need
the money. I just have to see her.

Oh, well, when I said a while
ago that I couldn't help you,

I just meant I ain't got
a whole lot of money,

but you're welcome
to everything I got.

Oh, great, Gomer.
You're a peach.

I'll never forget you for this.

And if Patty and I
ever get married,

I promise, you're
gonna be the best man.

Shazam!

That sure would be
a wonderful honor.

Yeah.

10, 20, 30, 31, 32, 33.

There you are, Duke. Take it.

Gomer, that's all you got?

Well, sure, but don't
worry. I don't need it.

Gomer, that's not even
enough for bus fare one way.

I promised her
candlelight dinner

and dancing to violin music.

I need at least $10.

Well, why don't you
hitchhike into town?

And if you love her
and she loves you,

then you should be
happy just bein' together.

You could take her
for a walk in the park,

and 33 cents will
buy you somethin',

like two snow cones
and some jujubes...

Yeah, thanks,
thanks a lot, Gomer.

I guess I better call her
and tell her the date's off.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, Sergeant.

Don't tell me everybody's
gone on pass already.

Well, not everybody,
I'm still here.

No, I couldn't be that unlucky.

What's the matter, Sergeant?

Nothing.

Just listen and
pay close attention.

Now, in this envelope, there's
some money and a piece of paper

with the name of
a kind of cigar on it.

I want you to take it to the C.J. Ware
Tobacco Company at 180 Grant Street.

Oh, I know where that is. Good.

Now, don't open it. Just
give it to the man there,

and he'll give you a box of
cigars to bring back to me. Easy?

Easy as pie. Okay,

now what are you gonna do?

Well, I'm supposed to go to
pick up a box of cigars at the...

"C.J. Ware Tobacco
Company at 180 Grant Street."

And I ain't to open up the
envelope, but just give it to the man,

and he'll give me
a box of cigars,

and I bring 'em
back here to you.

Fine, now, that's
all there is to it,

and Colonel Gray
will really appreciate it.

You mean I'm doin'
this for Colonel Gray?

Right. And he has
to have those cigars

in time to give to a congressman

when he gets here
tomorrow. Is that clear?

Clear as a shiny, new
dime at the bottom of a well.

Just make sure you do it right.

Oh, I will, it sure
sounds important.

It is, and to save time,
take the company jeep.

Shazam!

It's sure fun to drive
the jeep into town.

Everybody waves at you.
You're not going to have fun!

You're going to bring back a
box of cigars! Now, move it!

Yes, sir, Sergeant.

And I'll be right
back in a jiffy.

Good gracious, I get to
take the company jeep.

I get to double-clutch
and everything.

How'd she take it?

(SIGHING) She cried.

I still think you should have
hitchhiked into town just to see her.

Doesn't matter now, Gomer,

she was just getting ready to call me to
break the date. That's why she was cryin'.

Really? How come?

One of the other
hostesses got sick,

and they called
Patty to fill in for her.

Oh, ain't that a shame.

She was cryin' so hard I could
hardly tell what she was saying.

Oh, bless her heart.

But you know what
they say, Duke,

"The course of true love
never does run smooth."

So you don't feel bad.

I'm just mad at myself.

Here I was worrying about
dining and dancing and...

You were right, Gomer. I should
have gone into town just to be with her.

I'd give anything
just to see her now.

Well, there's nothin' much I
can do about it now, I guess.

Why are you changin'?
Are you goin' in? Uh-huh.

While you was out makin' a phone
call, Sergeant Carter come by here.

I got to go into town on
an errand for Colonel Gray

to get him a box of cigars.

That should make
an exciting Saturday.

It ain't too bad.

At least I don't have to
ride the bus into town.

Sergeant told me I could
use the company jeep.

Well, have fun.

The jeep?

You've got the jeep, Gomer?
You've really got the jeep?

Uh-huh. What a break.

You can drive me to the airport,

and I can spend a little time
with Patty before she leaves!

I can't do that, Duke.

I got to go pick up the
cigars and come right back.

We'll come right back.

I'll go on your errand with
you, we'll come back together.

Come on, Gomer, you
have to. You just have to.

But Sergeant Carter didn't tell
me I could take anybody with me.

Yeah, but he didn't
say you couldn't.

Well, I guess you're
right about that.

We'll spend a few
minutes with Patty,

we'll pick up the cigars, and
we'll come right back. I promise.

Golly, Duke. Please, Gomer.
Just a few minutes. Please.

But the airport's a good
15 minutes from town.

That means it's 15 minutes
goin', and 15 minutes comin' back,

plus the time you
spend with Patty.

That makes my trip
about 40 minutes longer.

Gomer, a little while ago,

you said, "What good is a
friend if he can't help you?"

Well, now is your
chance to prove it.

A friend needs your
help now, desperately.

A friend who has one last
chance to see the woman he loves,

a friend who turns to you
as one last beacon of hope,

and only you are in
a position to help him.

Gomer... I am that friend.

The decision is yours.

Okay, Duke, I'll take you.

Gomer, great.
Thanks, buddy. Thanks.

You better save
them hugs for Patty.

She should be around
here somewhere.

She said she had
a noontime flight.

There she is,
Gomer. There, there.

Beautiful, is she beautiful?

Patty! Patty!

Duke! Duke!

Honey. Oh, honey.

Oh, honey, it's
wonderful to see you.

(LAUGHING) Oh, Duke.
I'm so glad you came.

Hey, we better watch it.

I'm on duty.

So, make like I'm a
passenger and welcome me.

No, please. Honey, I missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

Oh, this is my good
buddy Gomer Pyle.

He drove me down
here to see you.

Gomer, this is my
girlfriend, Patty Gillette.

Hi, Gomer. Hey, Miss Patty.

You're just as pretty
as Duke said you was.

Thank you.

It does my heart good
to see you two together.

It's like watchin'
a happy endin'.

Ending? We're just beginning.

Don't forget, Duke, we
got that errand to run.

I think we really ought
to go. In a minute, Gomer.

Honey, when are we ever
gonna have any time together?

Oh, I thought we'd have time
tonight. I'm sorry about our date.

Me too, but this is
better than nothin'.

I think we'd better go, Duke.

We've been gone an hour already,

and we still got
that errand to do.

Gomer, I just got here.

But Sergeant Carter is waitin',

and we've got to
pick up them cigars.

Okay, just one last
kiss, and then I'll go.

Oh, uh, uh, I'll
be right with you.

Oh, Duke, I'm sorry.
I really have to go.

Gomer, it's been very
nice meeting you. Goodbye.

Goodbye, honey. Oh, goodbye.

Duke, Duke!

Hey, it's Sergeant
Carter and the General.

Holy smokes.
What's he doin' here?

He's duty sergeant this weekend

and he probably had to bring
that there general out here.

What'll we do if he finds us?

I don't know.

In here.

Here.

I'll take the case
to your seat, sir.

Is he still out
there? I don't know.

Well, take a peek and see.

Okay.

Golly, Duke, this is some kettle
of fish you've gotten me into.

Take it easy, Gomer,
he'll be goin' in a minute.

I should have been back
with the cigars by now.

We'll get 'em. Relax.

I knew I shouldn't have done it.

I should have gone
straight to that store

and picked up the cigars and
gone right back to the base.

Look, Gomer, we'll be
back in less than an hour.

I promise you.
Would I let you down?

Well, would I?

Look, I appreciate
what you did for me,

and I promise we'll be
back in plenty of time.

Golly, this is some kettle of
fish you've gotten me into, Duke.

Duke, I think we're movin'.

Gomer, look, I've
been in jets before,

and when they take off,
man, they go straight up.

Believe me, if we were
takin' off, you'd know it.

Duke, Duke! We're up!
We're up, Duke! We're up!

Hold it, Gomer. Take it easy.

What am I gonna
do about the cigars?

Look, don't panic. Don't worry.

Look, it only takes a half-hour
to get to San Francisco.

We'll catch another
plane right back,

and we'll have those cigars
in Sergeant Carter's hands

in less than two
hours. I promise you.

(ON P.A.) Good afternoon. This
is your pilot, Captain Coloruso.

We'll be flying at an
altitude of 37,000 feet

at a speed of 630 miles an hour.

Weather conditions are
excellent, visibility is normal,

and we should be
arriving on time in Rome.

Rome!

Rome, Italy?

I checked the "Y", the
U.S.O., the libraries,

the bowling alley, the PX.
No one's seen him all day.

Ten hours, it's been 10 hours!

Maybe the jeep broke down, and
he had to walk to town and back.

In 10 hours, he could
crawl to town and back!

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Come in!

Sergeant Carter, I did
everything you said.

I went to every movie house
in town, I couldn't find him.

What about the cigar
store? I went there, too.

The man said there were
a lot of Marines there today,

but he doesn't
remember seeing Pyle.

If he saw Pyle,
he'd remember him.

Where could he be,
the knucklehead?

Where could he be?

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have just landed
at the Rome airport.

Please remain in your seats

until the aircraft comes
to a complete stop.

On behalf of the
entire crew, may I say

we have been most
happy to have you aboard.

(SIGHS) We're really here.

We're really in Rome,
Italy! Well, it's all your...

It's all your fault

sneaking on this
plane behind my back.

Well, honey, we
had to do somethin'.

Well, what do we do
now? What do we do now?

(BOTH ARGUING) I don't
know what we're gonna do!

(SHUSHING) The first
thing we've got to do is relax.

Relax? You're talkin' to two
condemned men. You ask us to relax?

They're gonna court-martial us.

That's what they're gonna do.

They're gonna
court-martial us. I know.

I knew I shouldn't
have disobeyed orders.

I should have gone
straight to that cigar store

and gone straight
back to the base.

I knew it. I just knew it.

We're in Rome. Rome!

We ain't just out of town!
We're in Rome, Italy!

Duke, we're only going to be in Rome
long enough for servicing and refueling.

Then it's just two short
jumps to Paris and London.

I can get you back home
on the very first plane.

You won't have been
gone for more than 24 hours.

Twenty-four hours?

Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord!

Rome, Paris, and London.

They're gonna court-martial
us. That's what...

Gomer, we're gonna be in the
brig for 15 years! We'll never have...

Boys, boys,

we're going to
go into the airport,

and I'm going to arrange
for you to make a phone call.

Uh, oh, uh, e-e-excuse me.

A phone call?

From Rome, Italy?

Why, that's long distance.

(BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Yes, I'll hold!

They've got the
switchboard at the base.

Thank you!

Here, it's ringing.

Now, act like nothing's wrong.

Act real casual
and real relaxed.

And don't let him suspect for a
minute that you're in Rome, Italy. Easy.

Hello! Hello? Sergeant Carter?

You sound nervous. You
sound too nervous. Calm down.

(SHUSHING)

Hey, Sergeant.

I'll bet you'll never
guess who this is.

Well, let me try.

From your voice, I'd say you
were a member of my platoon,

a Private Gomer Pyle.

But that can't be.

He met with a tragic accident.

But it is me, Sergeant.

I didn't meet with
no tragic accident.

Oh, no? Just wait till I
get my hands on you!

Where have you
been all day, Pyle?

Well, it's kind of
hard to explain.

Don't tell him, don't
tell him where you are.

(BOTH SPEAKING
LOUDLY IN ITALIAN)

Pyle, what's all that racket?

Oh, I get it!

You stopped off
for a pizza, huh?

(SHUSHING) Telefono!

No, Sergeant,

but I did stop off
at an Italian place.

But just to get some gas.

Oh, no, Sergeant.

I didn't forget the
cigars for one minute.

Well, you hear this,
Pyle, and hear it good!

As soon as you get
gas, I want you to take off!

You hear me? Take off!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(GRUNTING)

All right, all right.
I'm comin', I'm comin'.

(GROANS)

(PANTING)

Hello.

Huh?

Pyle.

Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant.

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON P.A.)
You recognized my voice right off.

CARTER ON PHONE: Listen, you
blockhead! It's the middle of the night!

What?

Oh, I didn't know
it was that late.

You was asleep?

Well, I don't blame
you for bein' angry,

not for one minute. No, sir.

Where are you? I sent you in
this morning! I haven't seen...

What?

I didn't quite get that.

Where am I?

Uh, well, it's kind
of hard to pinpoint.

He wants to know where
I am. Tell him your in...

Oh, pardon.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Uh, thank you, ma'am,
and same to you.

So that's it, huh, Pyle?

First the pizza, and now
you're winding things up

at the C'est Si Bon Club.

Oh, that's silly, Sergeant.

How could I get you
arrested for murder?

Oh.

He's gonna kill me.

All right, Sergeant. I'll get
back there just as fast as I can.

MAN ON P.A.: Announcing
the departure of flight 110

for Manchester... Duke! Here!

Oh, these were the
very last two seats left.

Oh, Duke, I put them
on my credit card.

Don't forget that. I won't.

Your plane leaves
in a few minutes,

and you'll be home in 10 hours.

You're terrific, baby.

MAN ON P.A.: Announcing
the departure of flight 707

to New York and Los Angeles.

Passengers will please
proceed to embarkation point D.

(SIGHS) Uh, well, I...

I guess that's your plane.

Better hurry.

Oh, are you lucky.

It's the only flight
out on Sunday.

Sunday? Did you say Sunday?

Well, yes, today is Sunday.

It's Sunday, Duke, it's Sunday.

That cigar store will be closed,

and I won't be able to buy
those cigars for the Colonel.

Gomer, are you worried about
cigars now? Let's get out of here.

But I got to. I promised.

Well, they sell cigars right
over there, Gomer. Hurry.

MAN ON P.A.: Mr. Robert
Saunders, kindly report to the...

Mister, my plane's
about to take off,

and I need these cigars
real desperate like.

Ah, you Americans,
always in a hurry.

How'd you know I
was an American?

"El Fina Corona."

I'm frightfully sorry, sir.
We don't carry that brand.

Oh, that's terrible.

But if I can make
a suggestion, sir,

this is a fine corona.

It's a lovely shape

and an ever-so-mild
smoke, you know.

Well, uh, hey, Duke.
Duke, come here.

He ain't got the
kind that I wanted.

These are the very
best we handle.

Gomer, are you gonna be choosy
now? Grab any box. Let's go.

Well, I guess I'd better
take somethin' back.

Is this enough?

Well, that will do nicely.

Yes.

Here are your cigars.

And, uh, here's your change.

Thank you. I've got to run.

It sure was nice meetin' you.

Do you realize how
long he's been gone?

Twenty-three and one-half hours.

Twenty-three and one-half hours.

I'll kill him! No, I'll
court-martial him!

No, first, I'll court-martial
him and then I'll kill him!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Would you mind?

Hello? Colonel Gray, sir?

Yes, sir.

You want to speak
to Sergeant Carter.

Well, Sergeant Carter
isn't here right now, sir.

Well, no, sir.

No, sir. Uh, no. I... I
don't know where he is.

Well, yes, sir, yes, sir, I'll tell
him as soon as he comes in.

Yes, sir.

Phew. He sounded
pretty angry, Sarge.

Oh!

(MUMBLING)

Hey, Sergeant.

(YAWNS)

Excuse me.

I brought your cigars.

Made quite a night
of it, huh, Pyle?

Fall in over in
front of that desk!

Now, you stand at attention!

You stay just like that, Pyle.

Don't move, not one inch!

I'm coming back to see
you. I'm coming right back.

We always look
forward to your visit here

with a great deal of
pleasure, Congressman.

The feeling's mutual, Colonel.

You people really know how
to make a man feel welcome.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

Uh, if this is
what I think it is,

it's for you, Congressman.

You never forget, do you?

Is there, uh, anything wrong?

This isn't the kind I smoke.

This is a special
English market selection.

Best cigar in the world.

I'll bet you pulled some
strings to get these, Colonel.

I've never been able to find
them any place in this country.

Well, sir, uh... Leave
it to the Marines.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

That's what I call a cigar.

(LAUGHING)

Pyle...

Pyle.

(SNORING) Pyle!

Okay, so, you
had yourself a fling.

So, you did the town from
one end to the other. So what?

Am I the kind of
guy to get upset

over a little thing
like that, huh?

You even brought
the wrong cigars.

So what?

I couldn't help it, Sergeant.

You see, I had to buy
'em at a different store.

Well, you just
remember that store,

because the next time the
Congressman comes here,

you're gonna have to go back
there and get those same cigars.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hello, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant.

Where are you goin'?

Three-day pass, Pyle,
compliments of Colonel Gray.

Golly.

Yep, I might even go all
the way to San Francisco.

Really?

Well, I sure am glad I
caught you before you left.

Pyle, what did you do now?

Nothin'. I just wanted to give you
the change from that box of cigars.

Thanks, Pyle.

Well, have a good time.

Three shillings?

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