Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 19 - Love Letters to the Sarge - full transcript

Carter receives anonymous love letters.


Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.


Slater! Yeah, man!

Fitzgerald! Here!

Golly, Duke, you must have them
girls wrapped around your finger.

That makes seven for the day.

No, I gotta be honest with you,
Gome, only six count. One's from a guy.

How do you like that,
none from Cindy today.

Slater! Uh! There it is.

Gottschalk! Yeah, yeah.

Pyle! Yo!

Good ol' Suzy, she
hasn't missed a day yet.

Hey, you did pretty good,
too, Gome. Who are they from?

Well, this one's
from Ida Carrington,

and this one's from Lila Mae
Pruitt... Will you look at that?

You know, in your own quiet way,
I think you do all right for yourself.


I bet you left a string of broken
hearts back home, you sly dog, you.

Oh, come on, Duke.

Sergeant Carter!
Here, here! Right here!

Here you are.

Ain't that nice? Sergeant
Carter got a letter from a girl, too.

Gottschalk. Yeah.

Dupar. Here.

Oppenheim. Yeah.

Mitchell. Here.

Mclntyre. Here.

Davenport. Here.

Coogan. Here.

Moskowitz. Here.

Spencer! Yo.

Here's the letter
from the girl, Gomer.

"Tire sale. Buy one tire at the regular
price and get a second tire at half price."

Man, that sure is sexy.

That's a shame.

I just can't figure out why Sergeant
Carter don't never get no mail.

Wake up, Gomer. If you were
a girl, would you write to him?

I don't know. I think so.


Well, 'cause when
it comes to gettin'

letters, he's just like
any of the rest of us,

he's got feelings
just like we got.

Just because he's a sergeant
don't mean he's made out of stone.

I think it'd mean a whole lot
to him to get a letter from a girl.

Well, why don't you get one of your
girlfriends back home to write to him?

"Dear Sergeant Carter,

"Gomer Pyle has written
and described you to me.

"All I can say is, 'Yuck'!"

Do you know what you ain't
got, Duke? Feelings for others.

For others, I do. Not for
sergeants. See you, boy. Come on.

Yes, may I help you? Hey, ma'am.

You see, I want to
write a love letter,

and I was sorta hopin' that
you might know some books

of famous love letters
that you could lend me,

just to get an idea
of somethin' to write.

Or maybe some love poems.
Just somethin' with love.

Of course. I think, more has been
written on love than any other subject.

In fact, I think we have a book
called Famous Love Letters.

Let's see if it's out.

No. It's here. It's in section
342. It's number 217.

That's wonderful.
Thank you, ma'am.

And when it comes
to poems of love,

you can always rely on
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Golly, I don't know how to
thank you, Miss Browning.

"And I... will
never... be happy...

"till... your heart... is mine.

"Oh, to be... in one
another's arms."

Love letters.

Uh-huh. I hope
it does the trick.

Hey, can I read it to you
and see if it sounds all right?

All right.

"My dearest, most
beloved darling."

That's good, that's good.

"How I have
worshiped you from afar,

"but now I can no
longer contain myself.

"No longer can I
silence this burning love

"that is bursting within me."

I think you got a real
winner there, boy.

Wait, I got three more
pages. Listen to this part.

"The violet loves a sunny bank,

"The cowslip loves the lea

"The scarlet
creeper loves the elm

"But I love thee"

How do you like that one?

Wonderful, wonderful. Your girlfriend
is going to really love that letter.

Oh, this ain't to my
girlfriend. It's to my sergeant.

Well, can I help
you with something?

Thank you. Uh...

I was kinda lookin'
to buy some perfume.

Something fancy and
something that smells real nice.

Ah, well, this is a lovely
fragrance. It's called Sublime.

Well, smell it.


Mmm. That smells mighty nice.

And this one is very light
and reeks of femininity.

It's called Anything Goes.

Well, that sounds
sort of advanced.

Golly, that smells
real nice, too.

And this one is just delightful.
It has a kind of a wispy aroma.

It's called Merveilleux.
It's called what?

Merveilleux... That means
"marvelous" in French.


Mmm. That smells real good, too.

Well, you couldn't go wrong
with any one of these, you know.

Well, it's just so
hard to decide,

and this is real special,
so it's got to be just right.

Do you think it'd be all right
if I took just one more sniff?

Oh, of course.
No, go right ahead.

I'll take that one.

That's Merveilleux.

That's the one I
would've picked.

Well, now, shall
I wrap it as a gift?

Oh, no, thank you. I
ain't givin' it to nobody.

I just wanted it
for a love letter.

Sergeant Carter! Here,
here! Back here! Here!

Come on, come on!


What's the matter? Didn't you guys
ever smell a perfumed letter before?

Not like that. The wind's blowin'
the other way and I can still smell it.

Well, read your own!

"The mysterious Miss X."

(WHISPERING) "My dearest,
most beloved darling..."

What's the matter? Would you
guys like me to read it to you?


I don't mind.

"My dearest, most
beloved darling."


"No longer can my heart
endure this aching pain

"because I am not by your
side every moment of every day."

That's it.

Eat your hearts out.

Wow, what a letter!

You know, I'm surprised it
didn't burn a hole in the envelope.

You know what? I still think
it's a letter for another tire sale.

He didn't read us the end.

But who would write him
a letter like that? Who?

Maybe the Sergeant's like
you said I was, Duke, a sly dog.

Well, whoever wrote that
to him sure made his day.

You think so? You really
think so? Yeah. Look at him.

"The mysterious Miss X."

"The mysterious Miss X."

Would you like to hear this one?

All right.

"My dearest darling,
conqueror of my heart."


Is this letter going to the
same party as the other day?


Your sergeant?


That's a new one, isn't it?
Women sergeants in the Marines?

No. They got 'em.


Your sergeant...
What's her name?

It's not her, it's him. Vincent.

Listen to this. This is
my favorite part comin' up.

"How do I love thee?

"Let me count the ways

"I love thee to the depth and
breadth and height my soul can


"Oh, my darling, every moment I
am awake is spent thinking of you,

"and at night, I
count myself to sleep

"trying to remember every
little freckle on your nose."

Who is she?

Who is she?

(SHOUTING) Who, who, who is she?

Miss X.

Miss X.



What do you want, Pyle?

I just came for
my pass, Sergeant.

There's a real good
movie on in town,

Godzilla Goes To A Beach Party.

I don't suppose you'd like to go
with me, would you, Sergeant?

You don't suppose right, Pyle.

Letter from a girl?

That's right, Pyle. Makes
you feel good, don't it?

Well, it sure don't make me sad.

Any letter that begins,

"My dearest darling,
conqueror of my heart..."

Golly. That sure is pretty talk.

I'll bet you wish you
knew who it was from.

Oh, I can sure
guess who it's from.

You can?

Oh... W-Well, sure.

There must be a
half-dozen girls around here

who'd write you
a letter like that.

There are?

Uh, of course there are.

Who do you think
it might be, Pyle?

Uh, see how good
you are at guessing.


It could be that girl at the
lunch counter at the PX, Shirley.

I've seen her look at you
real warm and friendly like.

Yeah. Shirley.


Or, it could be that hatcheck
girl at the Club Ha Ha. Adelaide?

I've seen you two grinnin'
and talkin' to each other.

Yeah, Adelaide.

Or that girl at
the USO. Marilyn.

I seen the look in her eyes once when
she handed you a ping-pong paddle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could be any one of
'em, Sergeant, or more.

Yeah, it could be.

Yeah, it could be, but...

Well, I don't think it'd be very
gentlemanly of me to tell you who it is.

You understand? Oh, I sure do.

It's like you say, it wouldn't
be very gentlemanly.

You don't have
to tell me. I won't.

Well, uh, look, why
don't you go to your movie

and let me get some work
done, huh? Sure, Sarge.

I'll see you later. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah, yeah!


Allow me, Shirley. Why
not, I'm here to please.

Hands like these, Shirley,

were never meant
for this kind of work.

I know, I was gonna be a brain
surgeon, only this job came along first.

Ah, you can't fool me.

There's something
about you that's different...

Poetic... if you
know what I mean.

Me, poetic?

"How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways

"I love thee to the
depth and breadth and

"height my soul can reach"


Well, what?

What's the sense
kidding anymore...

Miss X?

Huh? Uh, what'd you call me?

Didn't that poem
mean anything to you?

Oh, I didn't say
that. It's a nice poem.

Well, isn't there anything
you wanna tell me?

Something I should know?

I don't know what you mean.

Come on. Out with it.

Well, uh... Tell me,
Shirley. Tell me.

All right.

Don't order the liver and
onions. They're from yesterday.

I always said there was something
different about you, something poetic.

So, how come you never
mentioned it to me before?

Well, you know how it is.

Come on, recite your
favorite poem for me.

Oh, I... Please!

Well... Come on, come on!


"There was a young man
from Pomona whose girlfriend..."

(SHOUTING) Is that
the only poem you know?

So, what's the matter?
You heard it before?

Yeah, I heard it, I heard it.
I'll see you around, Adelaide.

Okay. Hey, if I hear any
new ones, I'll let you know!

Did you ever lie awake nights tryin'
to count the freckles on my nose?


You like my perfume, Vince?


Yeah! It's real nice.

I use it all the time.
It's called Merveilleux.

"How do I love thee?"

"Let me count the ways

"I love thee to the depth and
breadth and height my soul can reach"

Yeah! That's it! That's it!
Now, just one more thing.

Would you do a favor
for me, Marilyn? Sure.

Well, that's always been
one of my favorite poems,

but I keep forgettin' the words.

W-Would you please
write it down for me?

I'll do even
better. I'll type it.

No, no, it has to be
in your handwriting.

I mean, what's the
sense of all that typing?

I can't write. I broke my
finger four weeks ago.

It's been in a
splint ever since.

Type it, type it.

"When we're apart, it's as
if my heart stops beating,

"and my only happiness comes in
the thought that love conquers all.

"I would follow you to
the ends of the earth."

How about them apples?

You know, I bet she
writes with a crayon.

They wouldn't let a dame
like that use sharp instruments.

Go ahead and laugh. You
guys never got a letter like this.

She writes like a poet.

Yeah, I bet she looks like a
poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

You're just jealous, that's
all, you're just jealous.

What do we got to
be jealous about?

We don't even know
what she looks like.

Yeah, what does she look like?

Well, she's... Yeah?

She's... Well?

S-S-She's beautiful!

Yeah, yeah, that's what
she looks like, she's beautiful!

Anybody who can
write poems like this.

If you wasn't so
ashamed of her, Vince,

you'd take her downtown, to one of the
nightclubs. We could see for ourselves.

Yeah, yeah, seein' is believin'.

Well, look, I can't help it if she don't
wanna go to them smoky, noisy clip joints.

Boy, you got an
excuse for everything.

Hey, I'll tell you what. There's a
USO dance here this Saturday night.

Now, she can't have
anything against goin' to that.

Well, uh, I'll ask her.

But I can't guarantee
she'll come.

Of course she'll come.

What's a 15-minute bus ride

to a girl who is willing to follow
you to the ends of the earth?

That's this Saturday night,
Vince. We'll be waiting.



What are you lookin' at, Pyle?


"Oh, my loved one,

"my most precious and beloved,

"I beg thee to understand

"the wretched
thing I must now do.

"But we are left no choice.

"The brutally
unhappy fact is this,

"I must leave thee,

"and you shall never see
or hear from me again.

"Just remember this,

"I'll cherish your love
throughout eternity.



You going over the hill?

Going over the hill?

Why would I do
a thing like that?

I don't know. Where
are you going?

To mail this letter.

To your sergeant, uh, Vincent.

Right. You remembered.

Tell me something, what
does your Sergeant say

when he gets those
letters from you?

Oh, he don't know
that they're from me.

Why, if he thought they
was from me, he'd die,

he'd just die.

Then why do you write them?

Well, the Sergeant never did
get any letters from any girls,

like all the other fellers,

and that made
him feel just awful.

So, I started writin'
him these love letters.


And that made him feel good?

It sure did.

Then why are you stopping?

Well, a few of his friends
wanted to see this here girl.

So I decided I'd write
him a farewell letter,

and that'd get him
out of his predicament.

Oh. Oh, that's a mighty fine
thing you're doing there, son.


Not many fellas
would go to that trouble.

Aw, heck.

He's sure gonna miss
those letters, isn't he?

I guess.

How does that go again,
that, uh, that last part?

"Just remember this,

"I'll cherish your love
throughout eternity."

That's sad.

That's real sad.

Well, it's for the best
we end it this way.


Mahoney! Yo!

What's the matter,
Vince, no letter today?

Don't worry, it'll
come, it'll come.

Well, I sure hope
nothing's happened to her.

I'm counting on meetin'
her tomorrow night.

Ain't that right, Vince?


Oh, yeah. Tomorrow
night, tomorrow night.

Could be her letter
got lost in the mail.

Or maybe she put it in her
pocket and forgot to mail it.

Sure didn't sound like
the fickle type in her letters.

MAIL CALLER: Sergeant Carter!

Here! Right over
here, right over here!

Moskowitz! Here!

Spencer! Yo!

Balkawitz! Yeah.

Somerville! Here.

"But I must leave thee,

"and you shall never see
or hear from me again."

Watson. Here.

Never see or hear
from her again?

Gottschalk! Yeah.

Dupar! Here!

Oppenheim! Yeah.

Mitchell! Here.

Mclntyre! Here!

Sergeant Carter!


Ross! Here.

Mavrich! Right here.

Kazinsky! Here.

SHIRLEY: Dear Vince,

I must have seemed awfully
silly to you the other day,

but I never realized

that tough Sergeant Carter
also has a warm and artistic soul.

It's from Shirley.

Sergeant Carter!

Here, here!

Brooks! Yo!

ADELAIDE: Dear Vince, you
sure surprised me the other night.

Who knows? Maybe we
were made for each other.

From Adelaide. Sergeant Carter!

Hey, keep 'em coming!
Keep 'em coming!

MARILYN: The doctor says
the cast will be off by Wednesday.

So, how's about a
quiet dinner at my place?

It's from Marilyn at the USO.

I'm sorry, Whip.

I won't be able to make
it to the dance tomorrow.

It just wouldn't look right for
me to show up with three girls.

You will excuse me.

You know, for a guy who
never used to get any mail,

he's sure doin' all
right all of a sudden.

How do you figure?

Well, whatever it is, it
don't make no difference,

as long as he's happy.

So the drunk says,

"Well, if you have to go
downstairs for it, forget it."

All right, all you
guys going on liberty,

I want everything cleared
away before you take off.

Hey, Sergeant.

Hey, Pyle, don't
you have a date?

No. I was just writing
Ida Carrington back home.

Your girlfriend?

Well, kind of.

"Dear Ida, I'm fine.

"How are you? Fine, I hope.

"The weather here is fine.

"How's the weather
there? Fine, I hope."

That's the letter?


Well, Pyle, no wonder
you don't have a date.

Somebody ought to teach
you how to write a letter,

a love-type letter.