Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 20 - Sergeant Carter Gets a Dear John Letter - full transcript

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

(GRUNTS)

Is it somethin' I said?

Of all the rotten breaks.

Of all the mean,
nasty, rotten breaks.

What happened?

What happened?

I've been waitin' a
whole week for this date.

One whole week, I've been
pointin' to this particular date,

with this particular
girl, and what happens?

I pull Sergeant of the Guard,
and I get stuck on the base,

that's what happened!

What are you gettin'
so shook up about?

You caught last-minute
duty before and got stuck.

This is different. This girl is
different. This ain't no ordinary date!

This could be the
one, Miss Right.

No kiddin', Vince.

No kiddin'. What do you
think I'm so sore about?

I'll be darned. She
really flipped you, huh?

I gave her my tie clip.

Who is it?

Geraldine Turk.
You don't know her.

Geraldine Turk? Hey, is that
the one that had the nose job?

No!

I told you, you don't know her.

I met her at a party.

Oh, is she beautiful.

She's so beautiful.

Not like some of the
bow-wows you go out with.

And she flipped for you, too?

Well, I had to work on it.

I worked hard. There were
a lot of guys buzzin' around,

but I sweet-talked
her all evening.

That's what did it.

She's so pretty.

Sarge, I think you're in love.

Hey, if I was you,

I'd get a bodyguard to watch over
this girl when you're not around.

Well, it's just that
she's the first girl that I...

Hey, you know what?

You just said somethin'. Huh?

A bodyguard, but
not a real bodyguard.

Why don't I get one of my guys
to take her out for the evening?

You know, protect
her from the wolves?

Why? Don't you trust her?

It's just that...

Well, I sweet-talked her and took
her away from a master sergeant.

What's to prevent some
guy from coming along

and doin' the same thing to me?

Yeah, yeah, but
who could you send?

I mean, uh, who could you trust?

Well, it'd have to be

a guy in the platoon
who ain't too handsome.

Right.

And it should be a guy
who's not a fast-talker.

In fact, he should be
a little on the slow side.

Not an idiot exactly,

but a nice,
harmless, dumb cluck.

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
You wanted to see me, Sergeant?

Yeah, Pyle, uh,

do you plan on going into
town today on your liberty?

As a matter of fact, I was.

You got any special plans?

Nothin' special.

Hey, do you wanna
make a day of it together?

We could go over
to the aquarium.

They got one of them
piranha fishes over there.

It ain't no bigger
than your hand,

and they say it can eat up a
human bein' in five minutes.

No, Pyle.

Wouldn't you like to see a fish

that could eat up a human
bein' in five minutes?

Golly. What do we need a
fish like that for, anyhow?

Pyle, the fact is I can't go in,

I've got guard duty, but I
want you to do me a favor.

I'd be glad to,
Sergeant. Coffee?

Thank you, but no, thank you.

Well, Pyle, I had
a date with this girl,

the girl.

And I didn't wanna disappoint
her, so I was wondering if...

Well, if you wouldn't
mind takin' her out for me?

Well, I don't know.

Take out one of your girls...

You didn't hear me, Pyle.

Not one of my girls, the girl.

This is it, the girl.

Well, you mean
you and she might...

That's what I mean, all right.

Well, golly, Sergeant!

Best wishes, and may
you have every happiness.

Thank you, Pyle.

You mean, you want
me to take her out?

And do you know why?

Because there's not another
man on the entire base

that I trust like I trust you.

That's real nice of
you to say, Sergeant.

No, I mean it.

Well, where would I take her?

You think she might like
to see that piranha fish

that can eat up a human
bein' in five minutes?

She might.

But, uh, why don't
you take her out,

have some dinner
together, see a movie?

But the important
thing is, Pyle,

that you don't let any other
Marine or civilian anywhere near her.

Huh?

Well, you know how it is.

A pretty girl like Geraldine,
well, she's popular.

Another guy comes along
and... Well, I could lose her.

So she's gotta be
watched, you understand?

Uh-huh. Good. Now, here,
let me give you some money.

Oh, no, Sergeant.
I couldn't take that.

I insist.

Look, you're taking out my girl.

You're doing me a
favor. Now, come on.

Here, take this 10 bucks.

$10?

Shazam! I'll never spend it all.

She sure is a mighty lucky girl

to be gettin' a
thoughtful man like you.

You know, you sure are
thoughtful for a sergeant.

Well, I try, Pyle. I try.

Now, look, I'll phone Geraldine.

I'll explain the whole thing
to her, and you pick her up.

In fact, I won't call her until
right before you go to pick her up

so she won't have time
to make any other plans.

Thoughtful, thoughtful.

"Thoughtful" is the
word for Sergeant Carter.

And "trustworthy" is
the word for Gomer Pyle.

Yeah, but bring me the
change out of that $10.

This is very disappointing.

I mean, very disappointing, Hal.

Vinny.

I'm sorry, honey, but listen,

meanwhile, you're still my
own little cutie-babe, ain't you?

CARTER ON PHONE:
My own little lambchop?

Oh, I love when you
sweet-talk like that.

Say it again.

You're my own little dew drop.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, someone's at the door.

Okay, baby. Don't
forget... Que sera sera.

Our song, remember?

I remember. I have to
get the door. Bye, Dave.

Vinny.

Hey, ma'am.

Hello. You must be Goomer.

Gomer. Like Homer,
except with a "G."

Yes. Well, uh, come on in.

Sergeant Carter was sure
disappointed he couldn't make it.

I hope you won't be too
disappointed in the substitution.

'Cause I sure ain't no
Sergeant Carter, nowhere's near.

Well, um... Uh, won't
you sit down, Homer?

Uh, Gomer. After you, ma'am.

I never do sit in the
presence of a lady.

Oh.

Well... Well, I thought
I'd get you something.

Would you care for a drink?

Yes, ma'am. Sure would.

What would you like?

Well, I'd like for you to
leave the tap run a while.

That way, you're sure to
get the water nice and cold.

All right.

Ma'am?

Uh, yes?

No wonder Sergeant
Carter's so stuck on you.

You sure are pretty and nice.

I am? Yes, ma'am.

You're a whole lot
prettier than I expected.

Gomer, what did you
say about my hair?

Huh?

Well, when we
first started dancing,

you said something
about my hair.

Oh, that it was pretty and soft,

and it smelled real
nice, too? That?

Say it again.

Your hair is pretty and soft,

and it smells real
nice, real nice.

Gosh, I didn't realize it's
so late, Miss Geraldine.

I sure am sorry.

Well, don't be. I
had a wonderful time.

Really? 'Cause I
sure enjoyed myself.

Oh, I mean it. I enjoyed
every minute of it.

The aquarium, that
was fun, and... and the...

I still can't believe it,

a little old bitty
fish like that

is able to eat up a human
bein' in five minutes.

Why, it'd take a human bein' longer
than that to eat that little old fish.

I mean, bonin' it and all.

Well, I enjoyed that.

And the movie and the dinner...

And the talk.

Well, shoot, you sure
are easy to talk to, ma'am.

Talk some more.

About what?

About me.

You mean, about your hair?

Anything.

Well... You sure
are good company,

and you're a real good dancer.

Golly, you're
light as a feather,

but most of all,
you're real pretty.

I love sweet talk.

Well, I guess I better be
gettin' back to the base.

Good night, ma'am.

Good night.

Night.

What's the matter, Vince?

Go get Pyle.

What's wrong, Sarge?
You look terrible.

Go get Pyle.

What is it, bad news?

Get him. Go get Pyle.

Sure, Sarge, sure.

Get him. Get Pyle.

GERALDINE: "And so, I think
it's best that we end it now.

"I'm sorry.

"But don't think it hasn't
been fun, because it has.

"Think of it as a trip to the
moon on gossamer wings,

"just one of those things.

"Auf Wiedersehen, my dear."

Go get Pyle.

You wanted to see me,
Sergeant? Is somethin' wrong?

It's all over, Pyle, all over.

What's all over?

Geraldine and me.

Over, done, finis, kaput.

Huh?

What a terrible thing!

What a terrible thing!

Yeah. Huh? Huh?

You take a girl out, you...
you give her your tie clip,

and just like that, it's over.

Que sera sera.

What?

That was our song.

Well, I was que
sera sera'd, all right.

I can't tell you how
sorry I am, Sergeant.

You see, Pyle?

You see why I wanted you to
take her out and watch her for me?

Well, you didn't watch
good enough, Pyle.

While your back was turned,

some rat fink came
around and stole my girl!

You really think so?

Of course.

Didn't you see her
make a phone call?

Didn't you see her talk to
any other guy all day long?

Now, think, man, think!

Well, at the aquarium,

there was this one
feller that spoke to her.

Yeah, yeah, what, a guy
in uniform? Yeah, but...

Well, who was he? What did
he say, what did he say to her?

Well, he was the
guard, and he said,

"Lady, don't lean
against the glass."

You missed it, Pyle.

You blew it.

There was probably some guy

following you
around all day long,

and you didn't
even know about it.

You really think so? I know so.

Well, I'm not gonna
give up so easy.

No, sir, I'm not throwing
in the towel just yet.

I'm gonna fight this!

I want you to do me
another favor, Pyle.

I'll be glad to, Sergeant.

I want you to take
Geraldine out once more,

spend the entire day with her.

Oh, but this time, I want you to
keep your eyes wide open, see?

I want you to watch
for any guy she talks to.

Find out who he is.

I wanna track this down. I wanna
know one thing, who's the other guy?

Who's the dirty,
double-crossing rat?

Any person that'd pilfer
another one's loved one

is all them things and more.

All right. Tomorrow,
tomorrow's Saturday.

You got liberty.

Take her out. Spend
the whole day with her.

Here, let me give you
some more money.

You got anything left out
of that 10 bucks I gave you?

Oh, I forgot, I was supposed
to bring you the change.

Good.

26 cents.

Hang on to it.
Here's another $10.

Another $10?

Golly, Sergeant, this
is really costin' you.

It's worth it, Pyle, to find
out what I wanna find out!

Right. Now, I'm
depending on you, Pyle.

Don't let me down! Oh,
you can trust me, Sergeant.

I'll watch her, all right.

I'll watch her just like a hawk.

Just like a hawk.

Good boy!

Any person that'd try to
steal my sergeant's girlfriend

is a mean, hateful thing that's
got his lumps comin' to him.

That's the ticket!

Now, report back to me tomorrow
night as soon as you get back to the base.

Right! As soon as I
get back, Sergeant.

Gung ho!

(GUNS FIRING)

(INDIANS WHOOPING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Here we are.

Yeah, here we are.

Thank you, Gomer.

Ma'am?

I said, "Thank you."

Oh, you're sure welcome.

You know something, Gomer?

I'd like to spend
days like this forever.

You would?

Mmm-hmm.

Wouldn't you?

Well, to tell the
truth, I sure would.

Oh, Gomer, I accept!

Don't you realize that you just
proposed to me? But, ma'am...

Oh, I almost forgot. You
have to give me your tie clip.

You know what that
means? I'm your steady.

But, ma'am... Oh, no.
Let's not say anything more.

Let's not spoil it.

Good night, darling.

Good night.

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Until tomorrow.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Pyle, you're back, boy.
Come on in, come on in!

Well, well, well?

Well, uh...

I went over to her house
and I picked her up...

Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Can I tell you this tomorrow?

No, no. This can't
wait. Now, tell, tell.

Sergeant, can I ask
you somethin' first?

What?

W-W-What was you plannin' on doin'
to this other feller once you found him?

Have you been
thinkin' about that?

Oh, I've been
thinkin' about that.

I've been thinkin'
real good about that.

You have?

Oh, yeah.

I see us meetin' in
an alley somewhere,

a nice, dark, dead-end alley,

where he can't get away.

And then...

Then I haven't quite
made up my mind.

Should I start with his
ribs and work my way up?

Or should I start with his head

and work my way
down to his legs,

breaking things as I go?

Oh yeah, I've been
thinkin' about that.

I've been thinkin'
a lot about that.

Tell me, Pyle, tell me!

Do you know who this
guy is? Do you know?

W-Well, uh, I
think I have a lead.

You have? Uh-huh.

Uh, uh, can I tell
you tomorrow night?

Why? Why do we have to wait?

Well, I think he's comin'
back tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night? Uh-huh.

I think so.

Well...

I waited this long.

I can wait another night.

Good night, Sergeant.

Hey! Are you going out?

That is right.

I thought you were
gonna stay in all weekend.

What is it, a last-minute deal?

This, my friend, is called
"Operation Close-in."

Huh?

Closing in on the
fink who stole my girl,

the fink who sweet-talked
her away from me.

Last night, Pyle told
me he had a lead.

He said he'd get
back to me tonight.

He said the guy would
probably be there tonight.

So?

So, I wanna be there.

I wanna take myself
a little look-see.

I wanna run into this
chap, and when I do...

Now don't go gettin' yourself
into trouble, Vince. It ain't worth it.

What trouble?

I just wanna see this guy.

I just wanna see what he
looks like. I wanna meet him.

I wanna take a good
look at him. And then...

I wanna kill him.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Oh, darling, come in.

Come in, darling.

Why didn't you call all day?

Oh, last night was
wonderful, just wonderful.

Have you been
thinking about last night?

Well, yes, ma'am. I sure have.

That's the reason I've
come back here tonight.

Oh, tell me, tell me.

Say something sweet,
like you always do.

Well, first of all, though,

I've got to ask for
my tie clip back.

We're supposed
to have two of 'em.

Oh, I understand. Of course.

I should know, it's
part of your uniform.

But, darling, you know,
tie clips are just sort of,

well, trinkets to kind
of seal a bargain.

You know how I'd
rather seal the bargain?

Like this.

What's this?

What's this?

Oh, mercy!

Leonard! What
are you doing here?

You? Sergeant, listen...

You? I wanna know
what this is all about!

What are you doing here? You?

Will you answer me?
What do you want?

You? You're the rat fink?

You're the one I sent
in to watch over my girl,

do a little spying for me,
and this is what happens?

You? What are you talking about?

This rat fink here, I sent
him in to take out my girl,

and what happens? He steals her!

What? Miss
Geraldine, Sergeant...

Oh, yeah. I sent him in
personally to take you out!

I even financed it! Ask him,
ask him if it ain't the truth!

"Oh, yeah, here, take
another 10 bucks, Pyle!

"Here, take out
my girl, go ahead!"

"I'll watch her, Sergeant.
You can trust me!

"I'll watch her like a
hawk, just like a hawk!"

Well, you watched
her real good, all right!

Sergeant, Miss Geraldine...

This is the most disgusting
thing I ever heard of!

How dare you send
someone in here to spy on me!

And... And how dare you
take a job like that and fool me!

Oh, get out here!

Both of you, get
out of this house!

Miss Geraldine, if you'd
just listen for a minute...

Out! Out! Get out of this
house before I call the police!

You heard her, rat fink! Out!

Sergeant, wait just
a minute, listen...

Out! Out of my sight!

And take Sergeant
Hagen with you!

You rat fink, come on out!

(MUMBLING) Rat
fink! Rat fink! Rat fink!

Sergeant... Now, Sergeant...

Wouldn't nobody
listen to nothin'.

Wouldn't nobody listen
to a thing I had to say.

I'll listen! I'll be
glad to listen!

But first, let's find
that nice, dark alley!

Wait a minute! Can't
I say just one thing?

A prayer, a short one! Wait.

Now, I know what you
came in there and seen

must've looked pretty terrible.

But the fact of the matter is,
the whole thing was one-sided.

That's the reason I
come here tonight,

to tell her that this whole
thing just wasn't possible.

But she didn't even give
me a chance to do that.

But now I'm gettin' to
the most important part.

Miss Geraldine is
pretty and fun to be with,

but do you know what?

I don't want her to hear
this, but she's fickle.

Huh?

Fickle. She is a
fickle-hearted person

that just likes bein'
sweet-talked to.

She said so herself.

Just look how fast she
threw you over for me.

Now, how do we know how fast she
wouldn't throw me over for somebody else?

As soon as another
sweet-talker come along.

Now, that type of person
is fickle, fickle, fickle.

Now, tell the truth, Sergeant.

Ain't you glad you found
out about her this quick

instead of gettin'
more tied up with her

and, later on, bein'
really disappointed?

Now, if what I say
don't make good sense

and you still wanna
go find that dark alley...

Well, that's up to you.

Let's find a diner instead.

Huh?

Come on, Goomer.

Harry's gonna buy
you a cup of coffee.

Que sera sera.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Sergeant!

Pyle, what are you doin' here?

Well, I'm supposed
to be meetin' a girl.

And I sure ain't lookin'
forward to it, neither.

Why? Who is she?

Well, it's like this.

Duke Slater, back
in the barracks,

he had a date with these
two girls in one evenin',

and he didn't wanna
disappoint either one of the girls,

so he asked me if I'd
take one of 'em out.

So take her out. Have fun.

Hey, Sergeant. What?

Do you have any
plans this evenin'?

No. Why?

Would you like to take
out this girl instead of me?

You'd be much better on one of
these blind dates than I am, I expect.

No, thanks. I sure
wish you would.

She's due here any minute.
Duke said that the way I'd know her

she'd be wearin' white gloves
and carryin' a black purse.

I don't think so, Pyle.

If Duke thinks this
girl is right for you,

well, I don't think
she's right for me.

You understand?

Yeah. Well...

Uh, on second thought, Pyle, uh,

since, uh, I don't
have any special plans,

and since you really
don't care to have this date,

well, uh, I'll be
glad to do it for you.

You would, Sergeant?
Well, thank you very much!

It's okay, Pyle.

I'm always glad to
help out one of my men.

Has she, uh, come in yet?

Take a look.

Okay.

Yeah, that's her, all right.

Duke said she was tall.

Well, like you said, Sergeant,

y'all have fun.