Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 18 - The Feuding Pyles - full transcript

Gomer makes friends with a hillbilly named Branch.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

All right, don't
stop, don't pause,

don't wait for an
opening. Make one.

Come on, lunge, lunge. Go for
the midsection. Go for the head.

Head, hard. Give it
everything you got.

That's it. Now, move in
for the kill. Slash! Slash!

You got a bayonet in
your hands! That's it!

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
I'm sorry, Duke. I had to do it.



You was off balance is why.

Did I hurt your thumb, Duke?

I'll get you a
bandage for it later.

What do you think you're doing?

"Did I hurt your thumb, Duke?"

What are you, nurse Pyle or
Private Gomer Pyle, USMC?

Hey, Sergeant. You see, I was...

You don't have to tell me what
I see, Pyle. I know what I see.

You were playing patty-cake
when you should be at his throat.

He's the enemy.

Duke?

You see, Sergeant,
that's just the trouble.

I can't hardly think of Duke
as nothing but my friend.

And suppose, instead of thinking
of Duke, you're seeing me?



Well, I think of you
as my friend, too.

Come on, Pyle. Kill me.

I just couldn't hardly
do that, Sergeant.

Simulate, simulate. It's
for your own good, Pyle.

It's your life or
the other fella's.

It depends on who the
other feller is, Sergeant.

He's the enemy,
get it? The enemy.

This ain't sportsmanship.
You don't ask questions.

You got two
weapons in your hand.

A blade for slashing
and stabbing,

a club for pounding
and smashing.

Now, come at me, Pyle,
with a slash. Come on.

And when you do, let's hear it.

With each stroke, give
a holler. Now, come on.

Ha!

Ha?

You couldn't scare a
bunny rabbit with that.

What's the matter
with you knuckleheads?

You learned all
this in boot camp.

Now, all of you, listen up.

In one week from today, we
come up against another platoon.

It's gonna be an exercise
in bayonet warfare.

Each one of you will
be graded and scored.

I expect every man in this
outfit to beat his opponent.

I expect this platoon
to win that little contest.

Now,

you are not going to disappoint
your Sergeant, are you?

ALL: No, Sergeant.

Every day until that
exercise, I want you to work,

I want you to practice, I
want you to think bayonet.

Is that clear?

ALL: Aye, aye, Sergeant.

And I want you to
work on that yell.

Now, let me hear it.

ALL: Ha!

I can't hear you.

ALL: Ha!

Work on that. Dismissed.

Hey, Sergeant.

What do you want?

I'm gonna really practice
my bayoneting. I really am.

Wonderful.

So, when I come up against a
for-real opponent, I'll do real good.

It's just that whenever
I'm fighting with a buddy,

I can't seem to think of him
as an enemy. Ain't that funny?

Very funny. Ha, ha.

Oh, I don't mean funny funny.

I mean funny peculiar, not the
kind of funny that you laugh at.

The kind of funny that
makes you go, "Hmm."

You know? Yeah.

So don't you worry about me. I'm gonna
practice my slashing and my jabbing.

I'm gonna be a
fighting fool. You'll see.

Well, you're halfway there.

Halfway there?

Oh. You mean that the
"fighting" part's not there yet,

but the "fool" part is.

That's what I call funny funny.

No. The answer's no,
Duke. Now, just lay off.

Why? She's a good-looking girl
and she's beautiful, just beautiful.

Swear on your honor. Come on.

Swear. Why should I?

She could have been in
an accident since I saw her.

Yeah, face it, Duke. She's
a dog. She's beautiful.

Swear. Come on, Larry.

Well, what do you
need me for anyway?

She's my girl's best friend, and my
girl won't go anywhere without her.

Negative, buddy.
The answer's negative.

Now, just find yourself
another patsy. You...

Hi, Gome. Got any
plans for today, buddy?

I was just studying
this booklet here,

"Things to do in town
over the weekend,"

and there's so many
interesting things.

Look, here, under "Family fun."

There's fly-casting
off the city pier,

and there's a wax
museum of famous Indians,

and there's a guided tour through
Babylon Cemetery with an organ recital.

There's so many things, I
just don't know what to do.

Well, listen, how'd you like
to go along with me today?

What are you gonna do?

Well, I got a date
with this girl, see?

And she's got a friend,
and the friend is beautiful,

just beautiful.

LARRY: Make him swear.

How about it, Gome?

Well, what are we gonna
do, these two girls and us?

Well, I thought we'd go somewhere
and have a couple of beers.

And?

And maybe later, go
somewhere and do some dancing.

And?

And then afterwards
maybe go down to the beach,

take a walk in the
moonlight, huh?

And?

Forget it.

Share it, now. Share it.

Let's not have one greedy
one, and the others get none.

That's all I got.
Clean out now, see?

(METAL CLANGING)

Shazam.

(HORSESHOES CLANGING)

MAN: (IN SOUTHERN
ACCENT) Man, that's a beaut.

As true as a plumb.
That's a perfect ringer.

Well...

I didn't know they had horseshoe
courts in this town, did you?

No. I guess this place
is civilized after all.

Yeah. Hey, you
care to pitch a few?

Why not?

Twenty-one points? Yes, sir.

Five points for a ringer, three for
a leaner, and one, closest shoe.

You're the host,
you make the rules.

Closest one to the stopper
goes first, okay? Okay.

One for the money,
two for the show,

three to make
ready, and here I go.

(HORSESHOE CLANGING)

Stand back, man. Here comes
the champ of Ripshin Ridge.

(HORSESHOE CLANGING)

I think I got you.

Did you say Ripshin Ridge?

That's what I said.
Ripshin Ridge.

North Carolina?

Where I come from, we don't
recognize no other Carolina.

And there's only one Ripshin
Ridge. That's where I come from,

a Tarheel out of Ripshin Ridge.

Did you ever hear of
Mayberry? Ever hear of it?

You mean, that little old bitty place
on the other side of Pogy Mountain?

It ain't that little. I can spit
the distance of Ripshin Ridge.

Why, when I was a young one, I used to do
one hop, skip, and a jump through Mayberry.

Ripshin Ridge. Are you
really from there? I am.

You ain't. I am, too.

Go on. Really.

What did you say your
name was? I didn't say.

I guess that's the
reason I don't know it.

Name's Branch.

Mine's Gomer. Hey, Gomer.

Hey, Branch.

Ain't it a small world, Branch?

It's all them small towns put
together that makes it a big world.

That's a smart remark, Branch.

I thought so, too.

What platoon are you with?

First Platoon, Company
B, Sergeant Novak.

You must be clean over to
the other end of the base. Yeah.

Golly.

Ain't this a small Marine Corps?

It's all them small platoons put
together that makes it a big Marine Corps.

That's another
smart remark, Branch.

Right.

Just think, you and me
running into each other.

Fate don't ask questions.
She just happens.

That's another
smart remark, Branch.

You're just full
of 'em, ain't you?

I am.

I sure enjoy pitchin'
horseshoes, don't you?

It's a clean sport,
and it's a healthy sport.

And that's an
unbeatable combination.

Well, that may not be a
smart remark, but it's true.

Yeah.

I sure wish that
exercise next week

was horseshoes
instead of bayonets.

Huh?

That there exercise next week.

You know, that bayonet warfare?
I wished it was horseshoes.

You having trouble
with bayonet drill?

Some. Are you good at it?

Not bad. What's your problem?

Well, I know all the moves.

I just find it kind of hard practicing,
you know, fighting with a buddy.

You've got to, though. Here,

I'll pretend I'm the enemy.
You look into my eyes.

What do you see?

A fellow Tarheel.

No, Gomer, you got to pretend.
Pretend, get a mean look on your face,

you know, like they showed
you back at boot camp.

That's it. Good, good.

Now, make believe you
got a bayonet in your hand,

and lunge at me. Come on.

That's good, but don't
forget the yell that goes with it.

Come lunge at me
again. Come on. Ha!

That's good. Now, play like
we're fighting at each other. Ha!

(GROWLING)

All right, break
it up, break it up.

If you guys wanna fight, do it back
at the base, not in a public park.

Beat it.

Well, who's fighting?

We wasn't fighting, Officer.

We fight our country's battles.
We don't fight our countrymen.

Now, that's the best remark
you made all day, Branch.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Did you find it yet,
Branch? Yeah, here it is.

There's the Pogy Mountain.

And look here.
There's Big Britches.

I remember that place.

That's just a hoot and
a holler from Mayberry.

Aunt Columbia Phillips
used to live over there.

And I can still recollect
her fried chicken

and bowls of mustard greens.

Scupperdine jelly with hot
biscuits and churned butter.

Fried catfish and hush puppies.

Boiled possum and
black-eyed peas.

Turnip greens and rutabagas.

Banana pudding. Banana
pudding with vanilla wafers.

And wash the whole thing down
with a ice-cold glass of buttermilk.

Oh, boy, that's the best, ain't
it? Yeah. Ain't it something?

Hey, let's say it again.

No, it'd make me too
hungry and homesick.

Golly, Branch, ain't this
been some kind of a day,

you and me runnin' into each
other and talkin' back-home talk?

There ain't one
feller in the platoon

that I can pitch horseshoes
with and talk Carolina talk.

Yeah, same in my platoon.

I got lots of buddies, but there ain't
nothing like a back-home buddy, I guess.

Nothing at all.

I welcome all men,

but give me that face
from my native land.

Did you just make
that up? This minute.

Not only do you make
smart remarks, Branch,

but you make 'em with feeling.

Well... Here's to
you, new buddy.

New buddies, old buddies.
Friendship is our aim.

I ain't even gonna
compete with you.

Hey, Sergeant.

GOMER: Come over here a minute.

Sergeant, say hey to Branch.
He's a brand new buddy.

Would you believe it? We lived
just a few miles apart back home,

but we never met. It took the
Marine Corps to get us together.

Life is a series of
meetings, Sergeant.

We never know the time
or place. We're just there.

GOMER: That's a
real smart remark.

Branch is just full of real
smart remarks, Sergeant.

Say another one. Do that one
about old buddies and new buddies.

Oh.

Pyle, instead of sitting
around here yakking,

you ought to be back in your
quarters, practicing your bayonet drill.

Oh, don't worry
about that, Sergeant.

Branch, here, gave me a
few pointers just this afternoon.

I'll do fine. You'll see.

Yeah?

Well, I'll be
watching you, Pyle.

He's a real nice
feller, Sergeant Carter.

He don't grin much, though,

but that's on account of his
mind's always on his work.

What's the matter, Branch?

What did your
Sergeant just call you?

Huh?

What name he use
for you just now?

Well, he calls me lots of names,

but in the company
he calls me Pyle.

Pyle? Your last name Pyle?

That's my name, Gomer Pyle.

What are you getting
so serious about?

You know what my name is?

GOMER: It's Branch.

Right. Branch Eversole.

Eversole. The Eversoles
of Ripshin Ridge.

What does that mean to you?

Gomer, the Pyles of Mayberry

and the Eversoles of
Ripshin Ridge is feudin'.

Your family and my family have
been feudin' for over 75 years.

Well... Pyle, you and
me is blood enemies.

Are you sure? Are you sure it ain't
just some little misunderstanding

that's been blowed up? Feudin'.

Are you sure it's
our two families?

There's lots of Pyles down
South. Why, it could be...

Feudin', feudin'.

What was your great-granddaddy's
name, huh? Was it Cedric Pyle?

Yeah, Great-granddaddy Cedric.

But it could have been another one.
There could have been lots of Cedric Pyles.

I don't think so,
not in Mayberry.

Gosh, I sure am sorry to
hear about this, Branch.

But for heck's sake, that
ain't got nothing to do with us.

That was our great-granddaddies.

You and me is
buddies. No, we ain't.

The feuds of the fathers
and the grandfathers

should be visited
upon the children.

That's the first remark you
made all day that wasn't smart.

I don't aim to be smart, now,
just loyal to my ancestors.

Do you mean that me and
you can't be buddies no more?

We can't pitch
horseshoes and talk food

and study our
North Carolina map?

We can't do that no more?

What are we gonna do?

I know. I'll call up my
daddy long-distance.

Yeah.

I'll call up my daddy, long-distance.
He'll tell me what to do.

I'll say, "Daddy, I met
a Pyle. What do I do?"

Yeah, that's a real
good idea, Branch.

Maybe that feud was
settled a long time ago.

That's a real good idea.

Don't touch me. Huh?

Don't touch me till my
daddy tells me what to do.

How much more do you need?

You need some
change, Branch? Quiet.

Another 30 cents? Hold on.

Here. Here's some change.

You put them in. They're
Pyle coins. I can't touch 'em.

(DINGING)

Got it all now? Good.

She's connecting me.

Golly, I sure hope...
Shh. I'm connected. Hello?

Hello, who's this?

Sister? This here's your
brother, Branch, Sister.

No, I'm not at the bus depot.
I'm here at the Marine base.

No, ain't nothing the
matter. Let me talk to Daddy.

What? Of course I'm all
right. Let me talk to Daddy.

Ain't nothing wrong.
Let me talk to Daddy.

I ain't in the hospital. Now,
let me talk to Daddy, hear?

Baby sister worried about you?

She's 47.

Hello, that you, Daddy?
This here's Branch.

No, I ain't in any trouble.

There's something I
got to ask you, Daddy.

(INAUDIBLE)

What did he say,
Branch? What did he say?

He says I have to kill you.

GOMER: Hey, Branch.

Hey, Gomer.

Have you been
thinkin' about last night?

I've been thinkin'.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, Gomer.
I don't wanna kill you.

Hey, Branch, I got an idea.

Yeah?

We're both a long
ways from home.

Why don't we put one of them obituaries
in the newspaper and send it to your daddy,

and maybe that
would satisfy him.

What are you talking about?

Well, we put it in the
newspaper to read,

"Gomer Pyle, USMC,

"taken from us in
the prime of his life.

"He will always be remembered
on account of he loved

"little children and
animals and old people

"and old automobiles."

Well, I don't know. Well,
what's the matter with it?

Well, I don't know, Gomer.

Daddy might get to gloatin'
over it and spreadin' it around.

Next thing, some kin of yours will wanna
know what happened and where you is buried.

It could lead to a
lot of fussing. Yeah.

Besides, I'd be tellin'
an untruth to my daddy.

That's right.

You'd be lyin' about a killin'
that you didn't do, and that's bad.

Yeah.

Boy, Gomer, I just wish
you'd go ahead and kill me.

Huh?

Well, somebody's got to kill
somebody in this dang feud.

Well, I don't want any part
of it. I ain't killing nobody.

Well, do you want
me to kill you?

Well, do you want
me to kill you?

Well, don't you understand,
Gomer? Daddy says I have to kill you.

No you don't. You don't
have to kill nobody. Yes, I do.

No, you don't. Yes, I
do. I have to kill you.

All right, all right.

I told you guys yesterday, you
wanna fight, do it back on the base.

Now, beat it.

Kill. Kill. Kill.

You ain't gonna kill me!
You ain't gonna kill me!

You ain't gonna kill nobody!

No, I ain't gonna let you
kill me. Gomer. Gomer.

Gomer, what's the matter,
buddy? You having a nightmare?

Huh? What did you
have for dinner, lobster?

Mmm? I'm sorry, fellers. I
must have been dreaming.

I'll take care of him.
Relax, take it easy.

You were having a
nightmare here, buddy.

You must have had something
funny for dinner. Huh?

You'll be okay. You'll be okay.

And it took a couple of
guys to hold him down

and get him back
into his bunk again.

He was wild. I'm telling
you, Sarge, he was wild.

It happened. It
finally happened.

What finally happened?

I made a killer
out of Gomer Pyle.

Huh?

I finally got through to him.

I've been pushing him to
take his bayonet drill seriously.

"I can't fight a buddy. I can't fight
a buddy." That was his excuse.

Now, something
must have snapped.

Something must have happened,
and he began to see it in its true light.

He began to think
about it and think about it.

Then he began to dream about it,

and now he's
raring to go, a killer.

CARTER: In just a few seconds we'll have
the final round in these bayonet attacks.

Now, I don't know what
squad you'll be up against,

but don't think of them as
Marines, think of them as the enemy.

Don't hesitate. You got to
be fast. Move in for the kill.

Now, I'm depending on you.

SERGEANT: four, hup.
To the left flank, hup!

Here come the victims.

SERGEANT: Hup!

On your toes, men.

Go get 'em, tiger.

SERGEANT: Squad, halt!

Ten-hut!

At ease.

This is a contest in attacking
movements, and you will be scored.

CATAIN: A score is made
when a solid blow is delivered

to the head, the neck, or
the midsection. Is that clear?

CARTER: Yes, sir!

The umpires will
make the decisions,

and the losers will
be tagged accordingly.

Sergeant, line up your
squads, combat positions.

First four men, attack position!

First four men, attack position!

En garde.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GROWLING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Fall out.

Second four men,
attack position!

Next four men, attack position!

CAPTAIN: En garde.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(GROWLING)

GOMER: Hey, Branch. BRANCH: Huh?

Would your daddy be
satisfied if you kill me? Huh?

See them tags down there
marked "Killed"? Yeah.

Well, if you beat
me, they'll tag me.

Yeah.

That way, you can call your
daddy and tell him you killed me.

That way I wouldn't be killed
killed as long as I'm killed.

(GROANING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

What happened to you, Pyle?

Well... You looked
like you had him.

Right, Sergeant, but I...

You had him, you had
him! What happened?

You blew it, Pyle. You blew it.

What are you smiling about. You blew
your match, and you're smiling. Why?

Why, huh? Why, why, why, huh?

Well, it's kind of
hard to explain,

but for a killed man
I sure do feel happy.

Hello, who's this?

Sister? Sister, how come
you always answer the phone?

This here's your
brother Branch, Sister.

No, I ain't at the bus depot.
I'm here at the Marine base.

Let me talk to Daddy.

No, I ain't in jail.
Let me talk to Daddy.

Everything's fine, fine.
Now, let me talk to Daddy.

Hello, Daddy?
This here's Branch.

I got some big
news for you, Daddy.

Remember that Pyle I
told you about? Remember?

Well, I killed him,
run him through.

Well, we was having
this bayonet exercise,

and I killed him.

Does that make you happy?

Well, what do you mean
you don't believe me?

Well, I did,
though. I killed him.

Well, I don't know
how I can prove it.

Hello? Mr. Eversole?

This here's Gomer Pyle.

It's true, sir. Your
son, he killed me.

He run me right
through with a bayonet.

(CONTINUES CHATTERING)

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