Glee (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Homecoming - full transcript
Quinn, Puck, Brittany, Santana, Artie, Mercedes and Tina are back in Lima to help the Glee Club.
Blaine: In a world
where everything changes,
Some things always stay the same.
They say there's only three things
You can count on in life:
Death, taxes and dalton academy.
When kurt and i broke up, i was devastated.
I thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with him,
And then suddenly he was gone.
My therapist told me i should concentrate
On the thing i love most: Music.
And then, i couldn't even do that.
But then i started coaching the warblers,
And i was totally reinvigorated.
¶ oh, yeah! ¶
I know i stepped out of the box when i started dating dave,
But honestly i thought
I needed to shake things up even more.
I mean, everyone's always saying
Change is a good thing, right?
So i stopped gelling my hair.
Terrorist!
I even stopped wearing bow ties.
Hey.
It's me. It's blaine.
Look, bro, okay, i don't care what your name is.
I'm not into that stuff.
Blaine: It was that moment
I realized that i didn't need to change it up.
I had to get back to where i once belonged,
And that's dalton academy, where no matter what happens,
You can always count on the fact
That nothing's ever gonna change.
Excuse me.
Can i help you?
You're mr. Anderson, right?
Um, my name's jane.
I'm... New to dalton.
Uh... What do you mean?
You're a girl.
My dad went to dalton.
And two of my uncles.
That's nice.
But then here i was, stuck at one of
The lowest-performing public schools in ohio,
With no arts, no music.
So my parents brought a title ix lawsuit against dalton academy
And won.
That's shocking.
I mean, that's-that's amazing.
Thanks, that's nice to hear.
Anyway, i talked to the dean of performing arts,
And he said i should talk to you.
I want to be a warbler.
Attention, mckinley idiots.
It's homecoming week,
Which means that a bunch of old farts
Will be creeping around the hallways
Like game of throne white walkers...
Did you hear?
The glee club is back!
...Horrifying you with their beer bellies
And their liver spots.
And that's just the class of 2012.
The sign-up sheet is right over here.
Sue: Fyi,
The much-beloved mckinley high homecoming dance
Is canceled, due to...
Uh, let's say sharia law.
Ima loser.
(gasps)
(cup clatters on floor)
(school bell ringing)
I mean, honestly, i forgot how cold those slushees are.
They chill you to the bone!
I'm so sorry that happened, rachel.
All right, guys, dinner is served.
You know what, though? It didn't really bother me.
It's like i felt good being an underdog again,
Like i was getting back to my mckinley roots.
All that from getting slusheed in the face?
Well, i guess becky did you a solid.
Well, i don't know.
Uh, wait, so you two are codirecting, then?
Yes. Not really.
Well, i guess we haven't come around to that conversation yet.
We're just focusing on recruiting right now, so...
Oh, uh... (doorbell rings)
Oh. Oh, guess that's blaine.
(door opens) will: Oh, hey, buddy.
Come on in.
Blaine: Hey, everybody.
Oh, my god, you will not believe
The day that i just had.
Sorry i'm late.
What did i miss? Will: Uh, not much,
But since i have you all here,
We might as well get started.
Rachel: Mm-hmm. (clears throat)
We have some fierce show choir competition ahead of us,
And, uh, i think we should lay down some ground rules.
Yes. Uh, like no stealing each other's set lists
And no spying.
And no poaching. Mm-hmm.
And always be supportive and clap for each other,
No matter what.
I actually really, really need everyone's advice.
I have a huge dilemma.
A girl wants to join the warblers.
What's the dilemma?
You cannot be on the wrong side of history here.
I mean, you of all people should know that.
Well, i know, i just think
That tradition is important, too,
You know? Yeah, well,
Some traditions are meant to be broken.
You have to let her try out.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
A house divided against itself cannot stand.
This house is built on a foundation of lies.
The warblers
Is a house of lies!
(all arguing loudly)
Order!
Blaine: Look, look.
No decision has been made yet.
I'm just presenting the issue
For the warbler council to discuss.
Should female students be allowed to join?
(all arguing loudly)
You know, okay.
What's next, huh?
Cat and dog warblers?
I mean, the very question
Is risible.
How about a student who's a skunk?
Should it be allowed to become a warbler?
We can't have a girl warbler.
Imagine the sexual tension.
We would never get anything done.
But, uh, aren't most of you guys gay?
How dare you?!
(warblers exclaiming)
I have a girlfriend.
We all have girlfriends.
Really? Warblers: Yes!
(clamoring)
Order. Order.
Warblers, as coach, i am a non-voting member
Of this body, and once a vote is cast,
I will respect the council's decision.
But let's be on the right side of history here.
Dr. King-- he said that the arc of the moral universe
Bends toward justice, and...
Isn't justice all about
Equal rights and equal opportunity
And inclusion? I mean...
What about squirrels?
(laughing): I mean,
Should squirrels be allowed to join the warblers?
Th-the very premise of your argument
Is laughable.
Warbler: So is yours!
(all arguing loudly)
Order! Order.
Thank you, gentlemen,
For that... High-minded debate.
As head warbler, i'd like to propose a compromise.
Why take the unprecedented step of amending
The warbler constitution when we may not even need to?
We may be allowed to refuse entry based on gender.
And we may not.
That's an open question.
But what is not in question
Is our right to refuse entry based on talent.
What i'm saying is, shouldn't we first find out
If she can even sing?
Hmm?
All those in favor?
(singing in harmony): ¶ aye. ¶
Kurt: Well, i never agreed to be your assistant.
I'm just saying, cochair seems a little more fair.
Yeah? Well, you never would have thought
To do your work-study program here at mckinley
If i wasn't here in the first place.
Okay. Well, let just hold off on the whole labels issue
Until we actually have a glee club to lead.
Fine. Where did you put
"we both reached for the gun" from chicago?
1975 to 1980.
You organized them chronologically?
Yes.
(sighs)
Wait a minute.
What does xanadu have to do with ace of base?
I'm filing them based on emotion,
As we always should have filed them.
All right, this pile is divas strike back
And that pile is cherish yourself
And that pile right there is makeovers,
'cause we always tend to love a good makeover.
Great. Well, we just wasted the past two hours,
And now we have to start over all over again.
Okay, there is no point in organizing sheet music
If we don't have any members.
Rachel, you've got to get more proactive
If you expect this to work.
Okay, you can't just post a sign-up sheet
And-and expect people to sign up, like mr. Shue did.
Mckinley has changed.
Sue has got these kids thinking the arts don't even exist.
We have got to show them that glee is possible.
I'll be in the auditorium.
Male voice: ¶ can you hear me now, can you hear me now? ¶
¶ i'm singing out as loud as i know how ¶
¶ am i loud enough? ¶
¶ i've got my voice and you've got yours ¶
¶ so let's make a little noise ¶
¶ oh, all together now... ¶
Whoa!
I promise i am not looking at anyone or anything.
I just am looking...
Don't worry. Sorry, guys.
And...
¶ oh... ¶
¶ can you hear me now, can you hear me now? ¶
¶ i'm singing out as loud as i know how... ¶
Oh, my god, sam, you hear it, too?
Yeah, is it like a high-pitched ringing
But only in your left ear?
Because yes, i do, all the time.
I never wanted mr. Shue to know because he's like god to me,
But now that you know, i feel like i can tell you
All this stuff that i've been holding... Shh!
I hear it now.
I swear i heard it.
I know it's true.
Yeah. No, i believe you, rachel.
I mean, doctors won't, but i believe you.
(school bell ringing)
Found the god mic.
Okay, i know things got a little crazy earlier,
And we both said some things about your life
That weren't very nice, so...
Mostly me.
Wait, why are you smiling?
'cause you were right.
About me hiding in here and not being proactive.
But when you left yesterday, i had an epiphany
And i heard a voice. Y-you found a student?
Well, not exactly, but i heard him. At least i think it's a him.
Well, let's not label or judge.
The point is, is that you were right.
About everything.
They're out there.
They're here right now in mckinley, hiding in plain sight.
They just need something huge to draw them out,
To show them what they could be.
Uh-huh.
So i got on the phone.
With who?
With everyone!
Mercedes: Surprise!
(giggles)
Yay!
(laughs) let's go say hi.
Artie: What's up?
Rachel: Hi, guys!
Puck: Welcome back. Quinn: Hey.
Hi!
(excited chatter)
Now the whole gang is back to reboot the glee club.
Damn it, you guys, you said you'd wait for me
To park the rental car! All: Oh...
All: Tina! Tina!
Come on! Come over here.
Let's go.
All (chanting): Tina, tina, tina,
Tina, tina, tina... Sam: Come on, tina!
...Tina, tina, tina, tina...
Yay, group hug!
Are you still a virgin?
Sam...
Hugs, everybody!
(school bell ringing)
It's so great to have you all together
In this room again.
It means so much to us that you would come
At the drop of a hat.
Artie, are you drawing me?
Nope, just your boobs. Hmm.
I'm practicing for my storyboarding class.
Okay, we need to focus.
Yeah, guys, we really got to focus here, okay?
W-we're in crisis mode, all right?
Glee club has done so much for all of us.
You know? It brought us together,
It-it gave us hope, it put us out in the world.
And it brought some of us home again.
She's talking about me.
Here's the situation.
We need you guys back-- not all the time,
We realize that you have lives in other places.
We've got to get glee club back on its feet, you know?
Especially since now some of us are the competition.
He's talking about shue and blaine.
We need you back.
Not all the time,
But if you're not here,
Then the tradition of the club we love so much will be gone.
So we're going to find kids that can bring something to it
The same way that we did,
And we will mentor them based on our strengths.
Kurt: But right now we really got
To get out there and take on the school.
You know, really rattle sue's cage.
We are going to give mckinley
A little taste of what they've been missing.
(a-ha's "take on me" begins)
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da da, da da da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da da ¶
¶ talking away ¶
¶ i don't know what i'm to say, i'll ¶
¶ say it anyway ¶
¶ today isn't my day to find you ¶
¶ shying away ¶
¶ i'll be coming for your love, okay? ¶
¶ take on me... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ take me on... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ i'll be gone ¶
¶ in a day or two... ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da, da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da, da da da-da-da ¶
¶ oh, things that you say ¶
¶ is it life or just to play my worries away? ¶
¶ you're all the things i've got to remember ¶
¶ you're shying away ¶
¶ i'll be coming for you anyway ¶
¶ take on me... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ take me on... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ i'll be gone ¶
¶ in a day... ¶ ¶ take on me, take on me ¶
¶ take me on... ¶ ¶ oh, take me on ¶
¶ i'll be gone ¶
¶ in a day... ¶
(song ends)
(school bell ringing)
Boy: Did you hear the joke
About the fat kid who always wears headphones?
He wears them so he doesn't have to hear
Your lame-ass fat jokes.
'cause, believe me, i've heard them all.
And this is my senior year.
It's supposed to be the best year of my life,
But instead i'm a no-name transfer from chicago,
And not one of these mckinley douche bags
Has bothered to talk to me.
Whatever.
Who needs them?
I've got my boys: Tupac, hendrix, jagger, sinatra.
Music might be my only friend,
But it's the only friend that i need.
Still...
Wouldn't kill me to meet some people here.
Maybe make some friends?
Some real friends.
(muffled, indistinct talking)
I'm sorry, what?
Are you thinking of trying out for the glee club?
I-i just saw the... Fantastic.
I'm rachel berry, and i'm rebooting mckinley's
Award-winning new directions! With my best friend kurt hummel.
You may have heard of us.
We're taking a break from our showbiz careers right now
Just to give back to the community.
I'm so sorry. I didn't even ask your name.
Uh, roderick. Okay, roderick,
So auditions are next week, and we're asking everyone
To prepare an up-tempo song and a ballad.
Do you have any favorites?
I... Fantastic.
Okay, so i would pick something not too obscure--
Like "corner of the sky" from pippin.
Isn't that, like, the best song ever?
And then i would pick something not too popular.
Try not to stay within, like, two minutes.
And if i were you, i would do, like, 16 to 32 bars.
Here's some sheet music for... Uh, listen, i... I'm sorry.
I-i'm really busy after school
With everything, so...
Okay, are you sure? Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
Nice going, berry. You scared him off.
Jane, wait up. Wait.
The warbler council has decided
To let you come in and sing for them.
They want to see how talented you are
Before they decide to overturn
A 100-year-old males-only policy.
Let me get this straight.
I have to go in there and perform for the warblers
Just to make sure i'm good enough
To warrant them taking a closer look at their already
Sexist and discriminatory admission policies?
Yeah.
Hey, jane, jane, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just-just listen to me.
Look, the warblers are a very old organization.
I mean, they've been around since the war of 1812.
When francis scott key sang "the star-spangled banner"
To an ailing president william henry harrison
On his death bed, the warblers hummed behind him.
The point that i'm trying to make
Is that sometimes change is scary,
Even when it doesn't seem all that significant,
And i'm telling you,
It would mean so much to me--
And-and it could mean so much to the warblers--
If you'd just... If you could swallow your pride,
Come in and show us what you got.
And before you do,
There is someone i want you to meet.
Jane, meet rachel berry,
The greatest performer
I have ever known.
Ms. Berry, it's so nice to actually meet you.
You're a legend.
Yeah, well, that's not the general opinion these days,
But thank you-- it's an honor to help.
I think you are in the best possible hands.
My work is done here,
And i think i should leave you two ladies alone.
All right.
Um... Can i say something?
Why are you helping me?
Oh, well, look.
We might be mortal show-choir enemies,
But i'm a woman before all of that,
And i figure you're fighting this fight for all of us girls,
So... Let's get started.
Okay.
Center stage.
(snaps fingers)
All right.
It's a packed house.
Show me your presence.
(takes deep breath)
Okay, keep your back straight.
You have to command the audience with your body language.
Keep your head up.
And make eye contact.
Even if there's a hundred people out there,
You have to make a personal connection.
You have to make each person feel
Like they have a one-on-one connection with you.
And, most important,
Your song.
Well, my family has a tradition
Of singing "up, up and away," which is bad because...
Let me see your phone.
Oh, it... Well... (chuckles)
Janelle monáe's "tightrope" has the most plays.
Oh, my god, that... She's incredible.
Well, i think you found your audition song.
Oh.
Okay.
From the top.
Kurt: Hey. I'm open.
I guess that's why i was the kicker.
Which was a transformational moment
For the school, by the way.
Yeah, marked the beginning of a great synchronicity
Between glee club and football.
Just ask any of the-the football guys
That are back for homecoming.
So, why aren't they here
Trying to recruit me?
Why'd they send you?
'cause we both like guys?
Look, i know we don't have much else in common,
But only a gay man
Knows what it's like for us out there.
I know, when you were in high school,
Being gay was how you primarily identified yourself,
But that's not my thing.
But don't you think it's everyone else's thing?
When i told people i was gay,
Only two people had a problem with it.
Coach beiste kicked them off the team.
Look, you're-you're naive if you don't think
You're standing on our shoulders.
Okay, you owe glee club.
Please. I owe modern family.
Listen, when coach beiste kicked those guys off the team,
They cornered me in the parking lot
When i was getting into my car.
Got all up in my face.
One of them ended the day with his jaw wired shut,
And the other... I don't think he ever stopped running.
I can't stand gaga, i've never seen newsies,
And i don't write archie fan fiction
Where archie and jughead are hot for each other.
Just because you and i happened to be born in the same
Ten percent of the population that would choose
Andrew garfield over emma stone
Doesn't mean we have anything else in common.
So, i'm not saying no to your glee club
Because it's gay or straight;
I'm saying no because i think it sucks.
I'm sorry, man.
(sighs)
(phone vibrates)
Ready?
(takes deep breath)
Distinguished councilmen, fellow warblers,
May i present...
Jane heyward.
(janelle monáe's "tightrope" begins)
¶ oh... ¶
¶ some people talk about you ¶
¶ like they know all about you ¶
¶ when you get down, they doubt you ¶
¶ and when you're tippin' on the scene ¶
¶ yeah, they talkin' 'bout it ¶
¶ 'cause they can't tip on the scene ¶
¶ what you talkin' 'bout it, t-t-t-talkin' 'bout it ¶
¶ when you get elevated ¶
¶ they love it or they hate it ¶
¶ you dance up on them haters ¶
¶ keep getting funky on the scene ¶
¶ while they jumpin' round you ¶
¶ they're trying to take all your dreams ¶
¶ but you can't allow it ¶
¶ 'cause, baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ whether you're high or low ¶
¶ you got to tip on the tightrope ¶ ¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ now let me see you do the tightrope ¶ ¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ and i'm still tippin' on it ¶
¶ i tip on alligators and little rattlesnakers ¶
¶ but i'm another flavor, something like a terminator ¶
¶ ain't no equivocating ¶
¶ i fight for what i believe ¶
¶ why you talkin' about it? ¶
¶ n-n-now whether i'm high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ whether i'm high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ i got to tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ now, baby, tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ you can't get too high ¶
¶ you can't get too high ¶ ¶ i said you can't get too low ¶
¶ you can't get too low ¶ ¶ one, two, three, ha! ¶
(warblers scatting)
¶ yeah ¶
¶ yeah ¶
¶ baby, whether i'm high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ you got to tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ yeah, tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ baby, baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ you got to tip on the tightrope ¶ ¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ baby, let me see you tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ let me hear ya ¶
¶ oh... Oh... ¶
¶ oh... ¶
¶ oh, you ¶
¶ got to stay on the scene ¶
¶ yeah ¶
¶ tightrope ¶
¶ oh, yeah, yeah, ooh. ¶
(whooping, applause, excited chatter)
(school bell ringing, gavel banging)
Tea party patriot club has now come to order.
First order of business: Protecting mckinley's borders.
Puck: Attention!
At ease, teabaggers.
I'm airman first class noah puckerman.
But you can call me sir.
Quinn: When we went to mckinley,
We were part of conservative clubs as well,
Such as the celibacy club and the god squad.
Most of you guys are christians, right?
We're all christian.
Before i joined glee club,
I only hung out with people that were exactly like me.
And then puck got her pregnant,
And she sort of changed for the better.
Point is, nerds, you need to take the three-cornered hats
Out of your loser butts and join the new directions!
They'll take anybody. Even you.
Sir, i was brought up to respect my elders.
But don't call us losers.
The tea party patriots is mckinley's most popular club.
Oh, my god, that's horrible.
What is happening to america?!
I'll tell you what's happened.
We've grown up in the biggest economic depression
Since the 1930s.
Our mission is to fix the mess
That barack hussein obama created
Before he and the homo-elite
Turn this country into a muslim welfare state.
Oh, no.
Oh, hell to the no. You know what?
Don't you, you or you
Join the glee club.
'cause, you know, we don't need you ignorant, backwards,
Lily-white, gay-hating, obama-bashing clubbers anyway.
Nope.
I will be taking these.
Yeah.
And you know what?
Quinn once had sex with a latina lesbian.
Ooh.
(grunts)
Learned that in glee club.
My bad.
(laughing)
(gavel banging) order.
Order!
Order.
(school bell ringing)
The warbler council voted against you.
They saw how talented you are,
But they're a brotherhood, and they voted to keep it that way.
What am i gonna tell my dad?
You are gonna tell him that we are not giving up on you,
Because i am going straight to the dalton board of directors
And telling them that i am not interested
In coaching the warblers if you're not one of them.
So you're going to threaten to resign
So i can join a club where nobody wants me?
Yeah.
Yeah, because this is wrong.
This is wrong.
And sometimes, if you want to make change,
You-you got to make a little noise.
I can fix this.
I just need a little time.
Okay, just remember, sex sells.
That's true, that's how lady tubbington got
Lord tubbington caught up in a ponzi scheme.
(ariana grande's "problem" begins)
¶ i got one more problem with you, girl ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ hey, baby, even though i hate ya ¶
¶ i wanna love ya ¶ ¶ i want you ¶
¶ and even though i can't forgive ya ¶
¶ i really wanna ¶
¶ i want you ¶
¶ tell me, tell me, baby ¶
¶ why can't you leave me? ¶
¶ 'cause even though i shouldn't want it ¶
¶ i gotta have it ¶ ¶ i want you ¶
¶ head in the clouds ¶
¶ got no weight on my shoulder ¶
¶ i should be wiser ¶
¶ and realize that i've got ¶
¶ one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less, one less problem ¶
¶ i know you're never gonna wake up ¶
¶ i gotta give up ¶
¶ but it's you ¶
¶ i know i shouldn't ever call back ¶
¶ or let you come back ¶
¶ but i do ¶
¶ every time you touch me ¶
¶ and say you love me ¶
¶ i get a little bit breathless ¶
¶ i shouldn't want it ¶
¶ but i do ¶
¶ head in the clouds ¶
¶ got no weight on my shoulder ¶
¶ i should be wiser ¶
¶ and realize that i've got... ¶
¶ smart money betting i'll be better off without you ¶
¶ in no time, i'll be forgetting all about you ¶
¶ you saying that you know, but i really, really doubt you ¶
¶ understand my life is easy when i ain't around you ¶
¶ half-stepping, either you want it or you just playing ¶
¶ i'm listenin' to you knowin' i can't believe whatcha sayin' ¶
¶ there's a million yous, baby boy, so don't be dumb ¶
¶ i got 99 problems, but you won't be one, like what ¶
¶ oh... ¶ ¶ one less, one less problem ¶
¶ head in the clouds ¶
¶ got no weight on my shoulder ¶
¶ i should be wiser ¶
¶ and realize that i've got ¶
¶ one less problem without ya ¶
¶ hey ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ oh, babe ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ ooh ¶ ¶ i got one less, one less problem ¶
¶ baby ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ yeah, yeah, without you ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less, one less, yeah ¶
¶ i got one less, one less problem ¶
¶ problem, yeah. ¶
(cheering)
You guys got some great moves.
We could really use some of that in the glee club.
Yeah, you could.
Oh, hi, artie.
Kitty, wh-where have you been?
I thought sue made all the new directions! Transfer
Out of mckinley. We need you back.
You really think i'm gonna come back
And help you and your stupid glee club
After the way you treated all of us?
The way you treated me when you went away to college?
Sue didn't make me transfer
Because she's smart enough to recognize
A star player when she sees one.
Unlike rachel berry, who never even knew any of our names.
(scoffs) i know your name, it's quinn.
(scoffs) i'm quinn.
Liar.
Listen, don't you guys want to do more
Than just get shot out of cannons?
Don't you want to be a star?
Oh, that is rich coming from you,
Pathetically stuffed back into your cheerios! Uniforms again.
Both: Can two people try out together?
Yes. Yep. Yeah, i don't see why not.
The three of us tried out together.
Of course the incest twins want in.
Let's go, ladies.
We have to explain to these two again
Why flowers in the attic is not a love story to aspire to.
(school bell ringing) if you really want to get blaine back,
Here's what you do.
First, promise him you're gonna burn all your clothing,
And then tell him
You're gonna start dressing like a normal person.
Then i think you should really start getting honest with him
About following your life's ambition,
Which is becoming america's top barbara bush impersonator.
That's not my life's ambition.
(laughing): That's hilarious.
Rachel: Okay, guys, progress report.
How's it going with the new recruits?
Horrible.
It ain't working.
Mercedes: It's not good, rachel.
Glee club has fallen so far at this school,
We're not gonna be able to get anyone to join.
Male voice: ¶ i'm singing out... ¶
There's the voice again.
¶ am i loud enough? ¶
¶ oh... ¶
Dudes, he's in the showers in the locker room.
They're always in the showers.
All: Shh!
¶ oh... ¶
¶ can you hear me now, can you hear me now? ¶
¶ i'm singing out as loud as i know how ¶
¶ am i loud enough? ¶
¶ o-oh... Oh... ¶
(music playing faintly over headphones)
Oh, god.
Are you guys gonna beat me up?
'cause i just need a second to get in the fetal position...
No, no, we... We heard you singing.
Yeah, you're amazing.
Dude, you've got to audition for the glee club.
So people can make fun of me more than they already do?
Even the principal calls me white precious.
(chuckles)
Come here, you are precious.
Well, all anybody cares about in glee club is the way you sing.
Look, no one has signed up for your club yet, right?
Okay. Well, having me as your first member
Is just gonna drive kids away even more.
I have designed my entire life around people not noticing me.
Look, no one has wanted to feel more invisible
Than i have over the past couple of months.
But when i'm with these people,
They remind me of the best parts of myself.
And they would never make fun of me.
Mm, not to her face, no way.
You're the poster child for glee club.
You're why mr. Shue started the club in the first place.
It's a place where misfits can fit in.
Will you please try out?
I'm really sorry that i came on so strong.
But you can sing whatever you want.
Yeah, i guarantee you're gonna get in.
Quinn: Look at all of us.
We're all so different, and yet there's nothing
That we wouldn't do for each other.
We're all just a phone call away.
And that is because we took a chance on glee club.
And that's something that you deserve as well.
Sue: Dear journal,
I am living a nightmare.
Just when i thought
I had finally killed my white whale,
Vanquished the tone-deaf pansexual leviathan
That is the mckinley high glee club,
It returns...
To defile the great musical heritage of this nation
One execrable mash-up at a time.
So forlorn am i
That my pakistani doctor has informed me
That i, sue sylvester, have developed a duodenal ulcer.
(sighs loudly)
And now i've taken to drinking a mixture
Of motor oil, bloody mary mix and bat guano,
Just so i can bleed out and die.
There must be some way i can get at that glee club,
Some naive unsuspecting pawn i can bend to my will
To dismantle that glee club once and for all.
Wait a minute.
That's it.
Oh, journal, once again, you've given me reason to go on.
Sue sylvester knows who her shiny new plaything will be.
So let me get this straight, sue.
Uh, principal sylvester.
You want me to infiltrate the glee club
And be terrible on purpose
So that everybody gets demoralized and quits.
It works every time. (chuckles)
And i'll make it worth your while.
What's that?
This is a one-of-a-kind,
Custom-molded tom brady fleshlight.
Um, no, thank you.
Okay, well...
How about i hook up with my friends at pfizer
To supply me with enough antinausea pills
So i can stomach a conversation
With the lovably hideous coach beiste
And force her to make you the starting quarterback.
I'm gonna have to be really honest with you, sue.
It's, uh, principal sylvester.
First of all, i'm not for sale.
And secondly, if you want to get rid of the glee club,
You're gonna have to get better items than that.
Touché, postmodern gay.
(school bell ringing, students chattering)
(music playing faintly over headphones)
Hey, uh, can you... Can you take your headphones off?
It's distracting me.
Uh, actually, i kind of need...
No, it's fine.
It's okay. You can keep them on.
We get it.
Everyone has their own security blanket.
We just want to hear you sing.
(wilson pickett's "mustang sally" begins)
¶ mustang sally ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ huh ¶
¶ guess you better slow your mustang down ¶
¶ oh, lord ¶
¶ what i said now ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ mustang sally, now, baby ¶
¶ oh, lord ¶
¶ guess you better slow your mustang down ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ oh, yeah ¶
¶ you've been runnin' all over the town now ¶
¶ oh, i guess you'll have to put ¶
¶ your flat feet on the ground ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ what i said now ¶
¶ listen, all you want to do ¶
¶ is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ all you want to do is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ all you want to do is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ all you want to do is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ listen ¶
¶ one of these early mornings ¶
¶ i'm gonna be wiping your weeping eyes ¶
¶ what i said ¶
¶ oh, lord ¶
¶ what i said now ¶
¶ oh ¶ ¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ yeah! ¶
(cheering)
Oh, wait.
Thank you.
Uh, we'll be posting names this week,
But that was really amazing, roderick.
Thank you.
Why don't we just let him in?
Okay, you're in!
(cheering) thank you.
Loyal subjects,
Homecoming day is upon us,
And i am pleased to welcome back
One of mckinley high's most distinguished graduates,
Who will serve as grand marshal
For tonight's activities.
Becky jackson, i hand it over to you.
Becky.
Listen up, bitches.
Tonight, becky jackson's in charge.
Rule number one: I'm bringing my taser.
I am going to drop anyone who is not dressed in school colors.
Rule number two:
No making out under the bleachers.
That's where i'm gonna make out.
Rule number three:
Every student must bring two books to burn
At the bonfire.
Rule number four...
Okay, that's enough. Give me the microphone. Give me the microphone.
Becky: The losing team will be sacrificed.
Sue: Okay, that's enough.
Let go of the microphone.
Honey, i'm gonna peel your fingers off one by one.
Give me the microphone!
Give it to me! (groans)
Oh, there she is.
Come on. You don't want to be late
For the first official glee club meeting.
You okay?
Yeah, i was just... Thinking about mr. Shue.
About how he did it.
About how he turned nothing into what we became.
As individuals and a team, as friends.
Well, we can't recreate what we had,
But we have to be open to finding something new
Or different or better. Yes.
So, why don't we just have the meeting in here?
I mean, since i am the only member.
First of all, we have to have the first meeting
In the choir room; it's tradition.
And second of all, you're not the only member.
Someone new joined yesterday. Wait, who?
(door opens)
I cannot believe you did this!
We sat down, we made rules.
No poaching.
It's not poaching.
She came to me.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
Even if they let me on the warblers,
I'll be fighting for every vocal breakout.
Yeah, you'll be fighting that fight anywhere.
Yeah, but at least here, it'll be a fair fight.
With the changes principal sylvester
Has made to the school, it's academically on par
With any private school in the state.
My parents are willing to let me transfer here
If it's what i want.
And besides, what did you expect me to do?
I mean, say no?
Jane asked me not to say anything
Until the transfer papers were through.
I just spent the last two days threatening to quit my job
In order to convince everyone to let her in,
And as soon as i did,
She tells me she's leaving to join your team?
I was humiliated.
Blaine, you have a full team and god knows how many
Other students at dalton that would kill to join.
Don't act all cool and loving about this, kurt.
I'm sure you're very happy
About all of this. I wouldn't be surprised
If you made this all happen after seeing you with dave.
Uh, maybe i should just go.
No, it's okay. No, stay. No, no, stay.
You're fine. You should stay and see what kind of people
Your coaches are.
This whole friendly competition thing...
It's over.
(school bell ringing)
The new and improved glee club
Has officially begun.
Introducing our first two members,
Jane and roderick.
(applause)
(deep voice): If you build it, they will come.
Well, they'd better come fast.
I mean, i'm sorry, but two people?
Santana: Shut up, tina.
There's actually four.
As per usual, my undeniable sexual magnetism
Has worked yet again.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is mason and madison
Mccarthy.
(applause)
Hey, gang.
We're super pumped there's a glee club again.
Now, i know what you're thinking.
They can obviously log roll and kick toss,
But can they sing?
Well, not to toot our own horns... Toot!
But we've won karaoke night
At the wapakoneta summer cheer camp
Every year since we were three. It's in our blood.
Our parents met while touring
With the inspirational, world-famous singing group,
Up with people.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I think i've made a mistake.
Rachel: No, it's okay. You're welcome.
I mean, you're gonna have to audition.
We have a very rigorous process.
I mean, not really. Sugar motta was literally tone-deaf.
Yeah, but she was hot.
I'm actually really happy.
This is the start
Of something really special.
And i know that most of you came home just for homecoming
And not for me and kurt,
But we can't tell you how grateful we are for your help.
Get over here. (laughs) let's hug.
Bring it in. Get in for this.
Come on, bring it in!
Start getting comfortable with group hugs.
(whistling)
(edward sharpe's "home" begins)
¶ hey ¶
¶ alabama, arkansas ¶
¶ i do love my ma and pa ¶
¶ not the way that i do love you ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ well, holy moley, me, oh, my ¶
¶ you're the apple of my eye ¶
¶ girl, i never loved one like you ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ man, oh, man, you're my best friend ¶
¶ i'll scream it to the nothingness ¶
¶ there ain't nothing that i need ¶
¶ well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie ¶
¶ chocolate candy, my, oh, my ¶
¶ there ain't nothing please me more than you ¶
¶ ah, home, let me come home ¶
¶ home is wherever i'm with you ¶
¶ ah, home ¶
¶ let me come ho-oh-ome ¶
¶ home is wherever i'm with you... ¶
You think this is hard?
Try having sex with michael bolton
And not fall in love. That's hard!
¶ la, la, la, la ¶
¶ take me home ¶
¶ daddy, i'm coming home ¶ ¶ mama, i'm coming home ¶
(all whistling)
¶ hey ¶
¶ i'll follow you into the park ¶
¶ through the jungle, through the dark ¶
¶ girl, i never loved one like you ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ moats and boats and waterfalls ¶
¶ alleyways and pay phone calls ¶
¶ i've been everywhere with you ¶ ¶ hey ¶
¶ that's true ¶
¶ laugh until we think we'll die ¶
¶ barefoot on a summer night ¶
¶ never could be sweeter than with you ¶
¶ and in the streets we're runnin' free ¶
¶ like it's only you and me ¶
¶ geez, you're something to see ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ home, let me come home ¶
¶ home is wherever i'm with you ¶
¶ ah, home ¶
¶ let me come ho-oh-ome ¶
¶ home is when i'm alone with you ¶
¶ alabama ¶
¶ arkansas ¶
¶ i do love my ma and pa ¶
¶ moats and boats and waterfalls ¶
¶ home is when i'm alone with you. ¶
Some things always stay the same.
They say there's only three things
You can count on in life:
Death, taxes and dalton academy.
When kurt and i broke up, i was devastated.
I thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with him,
And then suddenly he was gone.
My therapist told me i should concentrate
On the thing i love most: Music.
And then, i couldn't even do that.
But then i started coaching the warblers,
And i was totally reinvigorated.
¶ oh, yeah! ¶
I know i stepped out of the box when i started dating dave,
But honestly i thought
I needed to shake things up even more.
I mean, everyone's always saying
Change is a good thing, right?
So i stopped gelling my hair.
Terrorist!
I even stopped wearing bow ties.
Hey.
It's me. It's blaine.
Look, bro, okay, i don't care what your name is.
I'm not into that stuff.
Blaine: It was that moment
I realized that i didn't need to change it up.
I had to get back to where i once belonged,
And that's dalton academy, where no matter what happens,
You can always count on the fact
That nothing's ever gonna change.
Excuse me.
Can i help you?
You're mr. Anderson, right?
Um, my name's jane.
I'm... New to dalton.
Uh... What do you mean?
You're a girl.
My dad went to dalton.
And two of my uncles.
That's nice.
But then here i was, stuck at one of
The lowest-performing public schools in ohio,
With no arts, no music.
So my parents brought a title ix lawsuit against dalton academy
And won.
That's shocking.
I mean, that's-that's amazing.
Thanks, that's nice to hear.
Anyway, i talked to the dean of performing arts,
And he said i should talk to you.
I want to be a warbler.
Attention, mckinley idiots.
It's homecoming week,
Which means that a bunch of old farts
Will be creeping around the hallways
Like game of throne white walkers...
Did you hear?
The glee club is back!
...Horrifying you with their beer bellies
And their liver spots.
And that's just the class of 2012.
The sign-up sheet is right over here.
Sue: Fyi,
The much-beloved mckinley high homecoming dance
Is canceled, due to...
Uh, let's say sharia law.
Ima loser.
(gasps)
(cup clatters on floor)
(school bell ringing)
I mean, honestly, i forgot how cold those slushees are.
They chill you to the bone!
I'm so sorry that happened, rachel.
All right, guys, dinner is served.
You know what, though? It didn't really bother me.
It's like i felt good being an underdog again,
Like i was getting back to my mckinley roots.
All that from getting slusheed in the face?
Well, i guess becky did you a solid.
Well, i don't know.
Uh, wait, so you two are codirecting, then?
Yes. Not really.
Well, i guess we haven't come around to that conversation yet.
We're just focusing on recruiting right now, so...
Oh, uh... (doorbell rings)
Oh. Oh, guess that's blaine.
(door opens) will: Oh, hey, buddy.
Come on in.
Blaine: Hey, everybody.
Oh, my god, you will not believe
The day that i just had.
Sorry i'm late.
What did i miss? Will: Uh, not much,
But since i have you all here,
We might as well get started.
Rachel: Mm-hmm. (clears throat)
We have some fierce show choir competition ahead of us,
And, uh, i think we should lay down some ground rules.
Yes. Uh, like no stealing each other's set lists
And no spying.
And no poaching. Mm-hmm.
And always be supportive and clap for each other,
No matter what.
I actually really, really need everyone's advice.
I have a huge dilemma.
A girl wants to join the warblers.
What's the dilemma?
You cannot be on the wrong side of history here.
I mean, you of all people should know that.
Well, i know, i just think
That tradition is important, too,
You know? Yeah, well,
Some traditions are meant to be broken.
You have to let her try out.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
A house divided against itself cannot stand.
This house is built on a foundation of lies.
The warblers
Is a house of lies!
(all arguing loudly)
Order!
Blaine: Look, look.
No decision has been made yet.
I'm just presenting the issue
For the warbler council to discuss.
Should female students be allowed to join?
(all arguing loudly)
You know, okay.
What's next, huh?
Cat and dog warblers?
I mean, the very question
Is risible.
How about a student who's a skunk?
Should it be allowed to become a warbler?
We can't have a girl warbler.
Imagine the sexual tension.
We would never get anything done.
But, uh, aren't most of you guys gay?
How dare you?!
(warblers exclaiming)
I have a girlfriend.
We all have girlfriends.
Really? Warblers: Yes!
(clamoring)
Order. Order.
Warblers, as coach, i am a non-voting member
Of this body, and once a vote is cast,
I will respect the council's decision.
But let's be on the right side of history here.
Dr. King-- he said that the arc of the moral universe
Bends toward justice, and...
Isn't justice all about
Equal rights and equal opportunity
And inclusion? I mean...
What about squirrels?
(laughing): I mean,
Should squirrels be allowed to join the warblers?
Th-the very premise of your argument
Is laughable.
Warbler: So is yours!
(all arguing loudly)
Order! Order.
Thank you, gentlemen,
For that... High-minded debate.
As head warbler, i'd like to propose a compromise.
Why take the unprecedented step of amending
The warbler constitution when we may not even need to?
We may be allowed to refuse entry based on gender.
And we may not.
That's an open question.
But what is not in question
Is our right to refuse entry based on talent.
What i'm saying is, shouldn't we first find out
If she can even sing?
Hmm?
All those in favor?
(singing in harmony): ¶ aye. ¶
Kurt: Well, i never agreed to be your assistant.
I'm just saying, cochair seems a little more fair.
Yeah? Well, you never would have thought
To do your work-study program here at mckinley
If i wasn't here in the first place.
Okay. Well, let just hold off on the whole labels issue
Until we actually have a glee club to lead.
Fine. Where did you put
"we both reached for the gun" from chicago?
1975 to 1980.
You organized them chronologically?
Yes.
(sighs)
Wait a minute.
What does xanadu have to do with ace of base?
I'm filing them based on emotion,
As we always should have filed them.
All right, this pile is divas strike back
And that pile is cherish yourself
And that pile right there is makeovers,
'cause we always tend to love a good makeover.
Great. Well, we just wasted the past two hours,
And now we have to start over all over again.
Okay, there is no point in organizing sheet music
If we don't have any members.
Rachel, you've got to get more proactive
If you expect this to work.
Okay, you can't just post a sign-up sheet
And-and expect people to sign up, like mr. Shue did.
Mckinley has changed.
Sue has got these kids thinking the arts don't even exist.
We have got to show them that glee is possible.
I'll be in the auditorium.
Male voice: ¶ can you hear me now, can you hear me now? ¶
¶ i'm singing out as loud as i know how ¶
¶ am i loud enough? ¶
¶ i've got my voice and you've got yours ¶
¶ so let's make a little noise ¶
¶ oh, all together now... ¶
Whoa!
I promise i am not looking at anyone or anything.
I just am looking...
Don't worry. Sorry, guys.
And...
¶ oh... ¶
¶ can you hear me now, can you hear me now? ¶
¶ i'm singing out as loud as i know how... ¶
Oh, my god, sam, you hear it, too?
Yeah, is it like a high-pitched ringing
But only in your left ear?
Because yes, i do, all the time.
I never wanted mr. Shue to know because he's like god to me,
But now that you know, i feel like i can tell you
All this stuff that i've been holding... Shh!
I hear it now.
I swear i heard it.
I know it's true.
Yeah. No, i believe you, rachel.
I mean, doctors won't, but i believe you.
(school bell ringing)
Found the god mic.
Okay, i know things got a little crazy earlier,
And we both said some things about your life
That weren't very nice, so...
Mostly me.
Wait, why are you smiling?
'cause you were right.
About me hiding in here and not being proactive.
But when you left yesterday, i had an epiphany
And i heard a voice. Y-you found a student?
Well, not exactly, but i heard him. At least i think it's a him.
Well, let's not label or judge.
The point is, is that you were right.
About everything.
They're out there.
They're here right now in mckinley, hiding in plain sight.
They just need something huge to draw them out,
To show them what they could be.
Uh-huh.
So i got on the phone.
With who?
With everyone!
Mercedes: Surprise!
(giggles)
Yay!
(laughs) let's go say hi.
Artie: What's up?
Rachel: Hi, guys!
Puck: Welcome back. Quinn: Hey.
Hi!
(excited chatter)
Now the whole gang is back to reboot the glee club.
Damn it, you guys, you said you'd wait for me
To park the rental car! All: Oh...
All: Tina! Tina!
Come on! Come over here.
Let's go.
All (chanting): Tina, tina, tina,
Tina, tina, tina... Sam: Come on, tina!
...Tina, tina, tina, tina...
Yay, group hug!
Are you still a virgin?
Sam...
Hugs, everybody!
(school bell ringing)
It's so great to have you all together
In this room again.
It means so much to us that you would come
At the drop of a hat.
Artie, are you drawing me?
Nope, just your boobs. Hmm.
I'm practicing for my storyboarding class.
Okay, we need to focus.
Yeah, guys, we really got to focus here, okay?
W-we're in crisis mode, all right?
Glee club has done so much for all of us.
You know? It brought us together,
It-it gave us hope, it put us out in the world.
And it brought some of us home again.
She's talking about me.
Here's the situation.
We need you guys back-- not all the time,
We realize that you have lives in other places.
We've got to get glee club back on its feet, you know?
Especially since now some of us are the competition.
He's talking about shue and blaine.
We need you back.
Not all the time,
But if you're not here,
Then the tradition of the club we love so much will be gone.
So we're going to find kids that can bring something to it
The same way that we did,
And we will mentor them based on our strengths.
Kurt: But right now we really got
To get out there and take on the school.
You know, really rattle sue's cage.
We are going to give mckinley
A little taste of what they've been missing.
(a-ha's "take on me" begins)
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da da, da da da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da da ¶
¶ talking away ¶
¶ i don't know what i'm to say, i'll ¶
¶ say it anyway ¶
¶ today isn't my day to find you ¶
¶ shying away ¶
¶ i'll be coming for your love, okay? ¶
¶ take on me... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ take me on... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ i'll be gone ¶
¶ in a day or two... ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da, da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da-da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da ¶
¶ da da da da-da-da-da ¶
¶ da da da da da, da da da-da-da ¶
¶ oh, things that you say ¶
¶ is it life or just to play my worries away? ¶
¶ you're all the things i've got to remember ¶
¶ you're shying away ¶
¶ i'll be coming for you anyway ¶
¶ take on me... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ take me on... ¶
¶ take on me ¶
¶ i'll be gone ¶
¶ in a day... ¶ ¶ take on me, take on me ¶
¶ take me on... ¶ ¶ oh, take me on ¶
¶ i'll be gone ¶
¶ in a day... ¶
(song ends)
(school bell ringing)
Boy: Did you hear the joke
About the fat kid who always wears headphones?
He wears them so he doesn't have to hear
Your lame-ass fat jokes.
'cause, believe me, i've heard them all.
And this is my senior year.
It's supposed to be the best year of my life,
But instead i'm a no-name transfer from chicago,
And not one of these mckinley douche bags
Has bothered to talk to me.
Whatever.
Who needs them?
I've got my boys: Tupac, hendrix, jagger, sinatra.
Music might be my only friend,
But it's the only friend that i need.
Still...
Wouldn't kill me to meet some people here.
Maybe make some friends?
Some real friends.
(muffled, indistinct talking)
I'm sorry, what?
Are you thinking of trying out for the glee club?
I-i just saw the... Fantastic.
I'm rachel berry, and i'm rebooting mckinley's
Award-winning new directions! With my best friend kurt hummel.
You may have heard of us.
We're taking a break from our showbiz careers right now
Just to give back to the community.
I'm so sorry. I didn't even ask your name.
Uh, roderick. Okay, roderick,
So auditions are next week, and we're asking everyone
To prepare an up-tempo song and a ballad.
Do you have any favorites?
I... Fantastic.
Okay, so i would pick something not too obscure--
Like "corner of the sky" from pippin.
Isn't that, like, the best song ever?
And then i would pick something not too popular.
Try not to stay within, like, two minutes.
And if i were you, i would do, like, 16 to 32 bars.
Here's some sheet music for... Uh, listen, i... I'm sorry.
I-i'm really busy after school
With everything, so...
Okay, are you sure? Thank you.
It was nice meeting you.
Nice going, berry. You scared him off.
Jane, wait up. Wait.
The warbler council has decided
To let you come in and sing for them.
They want to see how talented you are
Before they decide to overturn
A 100-year-old males-only policy.
Let me get this straight.
I have to go in there and perform for the warblers
Just to make sure i'm good enough
To warrant them taking a closer look at their already
Sexist and discriminatory admission policies?
Yeah.
Hey, jane, jane, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just-just listen to me.
Look, the warblers are a very old organization.
I mean, they've been around since the war of 1812.
When francis scott key sang "the star-spangled banner"
To an ailing president william henry harrison
On his death bed, the warblers hummed behind him.
The point that i'm trying to make
Is that sometimes change is scary,
Even when it doesn't seem all that significant,
And i'm telling you,
It would mean so much to me--
And-and it could mean so much to the warblers--
If you'd just... If you could swallow your pride,
Come in and show us what you got.
And before you do,
There is someone i want you to meet.
Jane, meet rachel berry,
The greatest performer
I have ever known.
Ms. Berry, it's so nice to actually meet you.
You're a legend.
Yeah, well, that's not the general opinion these days,
But thank you-- it's an honor to help.
I think you are in the best possible hands.
My work is done here,
And i think i should leave you two ladies alone.
All right.
Um... Can i say something?
Why are you helping me?
Oh, well, look.
We might be mortal show-choir enemies,
But i'm a woman before all of that,
And i figure you're fighting this fight for all of us girls,
So... Let's get started.
Okay.
Center stage.
(snaps fingers)
All right.
It's a packed house.
Show me your presence.
(takes deep breath)
Okay, keep your back straight.
You have to command the audience with your body language.
Keep your head up.
And make eye contact.
Even if there's a hundred people out there,
You have to make a personal connection.
You have to make each person feel
Like they have a one-on-one connection with you.
And, most important,
Your song.
Well, my family has a tradition
Of singing "up, up and away," which is bad because...
Let me see your phone.
Oh, it... Well... (chuckles)
Janelle monáe's "tightrope" has the most plays.
Oh, my god, that... She's incredible.
Well, i think you found your audition song.
Oh.
Okay.
From the top.
Kurt: Hey. I'm open.
I guess that's why i was the kicker.
Which was a transformational moment
For the school, by the way.
Yeah, marked the beginning of a great synchronicity
Between glee club and football.
Just ask any of the-the football guys
That are back for homecoming.
So, why aren't they here
Trying to recruit me?
Why'd they send you?
'cause we both like guys?
Look, i know we don't have much else in common,
But only a gay man
Knows what it's like for us out there.
I know, when you were in high school,
Being gay was how you primarily identified yourself,
But that's not my thing.
But don't you think it's everyone else's thing?
When i told people i was gay,
Only two people had a problem with it.
Coach beiste kicked them off the team.
Look, you're-you're naive if you don't think
You're standing on our shoulders.
Okay, you owe glee club.
Please. I owe modern family.
Listen, when coach beiste kicked those guys off the team,
They cornered me in the parking lot
When i was getting into my car.
Got all up in my face.
One of them ended the day with his jaw wired shut,
And the other... I don't think he ever stopped running.
I can't stand gaga, i've never seen newsies,
And i don't write archie fan fiction
Where archie and jughead are hot for each other.
Just because you and i happened to be born in the same
Ten percent of the population that would choose
Andrew garfield over emma stone
Doesn't mean we have anything else in common.
So, i'm not saying no to your glee club
Because it's gay or straight;
I'm saying no because i think it sucks.
I'm sorry, man.
(sighs)
(phone vibrates)
Ready?
(takes deep breath)
Distinguished councilmen, fellow warblers,
May i present...
Jane heyward.
(janelle monáe's "tightrope" begins)
¶ oh... ¶
¶ some people talk about you ¶
¶ like they know all about you ¶
¶ when you get down, they doubt you ¶
¶ and when you're tippin' on the scene ¶
¶ yeah, they talkin' 'bout it ¶
¶ 'cause they can't tip on the scene ¶
¶ what you talkin' 'bout it, t-t-t-talkin' 'bout it ¶
¶ when you get elevated ¶
¶ they love it or they hate it ¶
¶ you dance up on them haters ¶
¶ keep getting funky on the scene ¶
¶ while they jumpin' round you ¶
¶ they're trying to take all your dreams ¶
¶ but you can't allow it ¶
¶ 'cause, baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ whether you're high or low ¶
¶ you got to tip on the tightrope ¶ ¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ now let me see you do the tightrope ¶ ¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ and i'm still tippin' on it ¶
¶ i tip on alligators and little rattlesnakers ¶
¶ but i'm another flavor, something like a terminator ¶
¶ ain't no equivocating ¶
¶ i fight for what i believe ¶
¶ why you talkin' about it? ¶
¶ n-n-now whether i'm high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ whether i'm high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ i got to tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ now, baby, tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ you can't get too high ¶
¶ you can't get too high ¶ ¶ i said you can't get too low ¶
¶ you can't get too low ¶ ¶ one, two, three, ha! ¶
(warblers scatting)
¶ yeah ¶
¶ yeah ¶
¶ baby, whether i'm high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ you got to tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ yeah, tip on the tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶ ¶ baby, baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ high or low ¶ ¶ baby, whether you're high or low ¶
¶ you got to tip on the tightrope ¶ ¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ baby, let me see you tightrope ¶
¶ tip, tip on it ¶
¶ let me hear ya ¶
¶ oh... Oh... ¶
¶ oh... ¶
¶ oh, you ¶
¶ got to stay on the scene ¶
¶ yeah ¶
¶ tightrope ¶
¶ oh, yeah, yeah, ooh. ¶
(whooping, applause, excited chatter)
(school bell ringing, gavel banging)
Tea party patriot club has now come to order.
First order of business: Protecting mckinley's borders.
Puck: Attention!
At ease, teabaggers.
I'm airman first class noah puckerman.
But you can call me sir.
Quinn: When we went to mckinley,
We were part of conservative clubs as well,
Such as the celibacy club and the god squad.
Most of you guys are christians, right?
We're all christian.
Before i joined glee club,
I only hung out with people that were exactly like me.
And then puck got her pregnant,
And she sort of changed for the better.
Point is, nerds, you need to take the three-cornered hats
Out of your loser butts and join the new directions!
They'll take anybody. Even you.
Sir, i was brought up to respect my elders.
But don't call us losers.
The tea party patriots is mckinley's most popular club.
Oh, my god, that's horrible.
What is happening to america?!
I'll tell you what's happened.
We've grown up in the biggest economic depression
Since the 1930s.
Our mission is to fix the mess
That barack hussein obama created
Before he and the homo-elite
Turn this country into a muslim welfare state.
Oh, no.
Oh, hell to the no. You know what?
Don't you, you or you
Join the glee club.
'cause, you know, we don't need you ignorant, backwards,
Lily-white, gay-hating, obama-bashing clubbers anyway.
Nope.
I will be taking these.
Yeah.
And you know what?
Quinn once had sex with a latina lesbian.
Ooh.
(grunts)
Learned that in glee club.
My bad.
(laughing)
(gavel banging) order.
Order!
Order.
(school bell ringing)
The warbler council voted against you.
They saw how talented you are,
But they're a brotherhood, and they voted to keep it that way.
What am i gonna tell my dad?
You are gonna tell him that we are not giving up on you,
Because i am going straight to the dalton board of directors
And telling them that i am not interested
In coaching the warblers if you're not one of them.
So you're going to threaten to resign
So i can join a club where nobody wants me?
Yeah.
Yeah, because this is wrong.
This is wrong.
And sometimes, if you want to make change,
You-you got to make a little noise.
I can fix this.
I just need a little time.
Okay, just remember, sex sells.
That's true, that's how lady tubbington got
Lord tubbington caught up in a ponzi scheme.
(ariana grande's "problem" begins)
¶ i got one more problem with you, girl ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ hey, baby, even though i hate ya ¶
¶ i wanna love ya ¶ ¶ i want you ¶
¶ and even though i can't forgive ya ¶
¶ i really wanna ¶
¶ i want you ¶
¶ tell me, tell me, baby ¶
¶ why can't you leave me? ¶
¶ 'cause even though i shouldn't want it ¶
¶ i gotta have it ¶ ¶ i want you ¶
¶ head in the clouds ¶
¶ got no weight on my shoulder ¶
¶ i should be wiser ¶
¶ and realize that i've got ¶
¶ one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less, one less problem ¶
¶ i know you're never gonna wake up ¶
¶ i gotta give up ¶
¶ but it's you ¶
¶ i know i shouldn't ever call back ¶
¶ or let you come back ¶
¶ but i do ¶
¶ every time you touch me ¶
¶ and say you love me ¶
¶ i get a little bit breathless ¶
¶ i shouldn't want it ¶
¶ but i do ¶
¶ head in the clouds ¶
¶ got no weight on my shoulder ¶
¶ i should be wiser ¶
¶ and realize that i've got... ¶
¶ smart money betting i'll be better off without you ¶
¶ in no time, i'll be forgetting all about you ¶
¶ you saying that you know, but i really, really doubt you ¶
¶ understand my life is easy when i ain't around you ¶
¶ half-stepping, either you want it or you just playing ¶
¶ i'm listenin' to you knowin' i can't believe whatcha sayin' ¶
¶ there's a million yous, baby boy, so don't be dumb ¶
¶ i got 99 problems, but you won't be one, like what ¶
¶ oh... ¶ ¶ one less, one less problem ¶
¶ head in the clouds ¶
¶ got no weight on my shoulder ¶
¶ i should be wiser ¶
¶ and realize that i've got ¶
¶ one less problem without ya ¶
¶ hey ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ oh, babe ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ ooh ¶ ¶ i got one less, one less problem ¶
¶ baby ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ yeah, yeah, without you ¶ ¶ i got one less problem without ya ¶
¶ i got one less, one less, yeah ¶
¶ i got one less, one less problem ¶
¶ problem, yeah. ¶
(cheering)
You guys got some great moves.
We could really use some of that in the glee club.
Yeah, you could.
Oh, hi, artie.
Kitty, wh-where have you been?
I thought sue made all the new directions! Transfer
Out of mckinley. We need you back.
You really think i'm gonna come back
And help you and your stupid glee club
After the way you treated all of us?
The way you treated me when you went away to college?
Sue didn't make me transfer
Because she's smart enough to recognize
A star player when she sees one.
Unlike rachel berry, who never even knew any of our names.
(scoffs) i know your name, it's quinn.
(scoffs) i'm quinn.
Liar.
Listen, don't you guys want to do more
Than just get shot out of cannons?
Don't you want to be a star?
Oh, that is rich coming from you,
Pathetically stuffed back into your cheerios! Uniforms again.
Both: Can two people try out together?
Yes. Yep. Yeah, i don't see why not.
The three of us tried out together.
Of course the incest twins want in.
Let's go, ladies.
We have to explain to these two again
Why flowers in the attic is not a love story to aspire to.
(school bell ringing) if you really want to get blaine back,
Here's what you do.
First, promise him you're gonna burn all your clothing,
And then tell him
You're gonna start dressing like a normal person.
Then i think you should really start getting honest with him
About following your life's ambition,
Which is becoming america's top barbara bush impersonator.
That's not my life's ambition.
(laughing): That's hilarious.
Rachel: Okay, guys, progress report.
How's it going with the new recruits?
Horrible.
It ain't working.
Mercedes: It's not good, rachel.
Glee club has fallen so far at this school,
We're not gonna be able to get anyone to join.
Male voice: ¶ i'm singing out... ¶
There's the voice again.
¶ am i loud enough? ¶
¶ oh... ¶
Dudes, he's in the showers in the locker room.
They're always in the showers.
All: Shh!
¶ oh... ¶
¶ can you hear me now, can you hear me now? ¶
¶ i'm singing out as loud as i know how ¶
¶ am i loud enough? ¶
¶ o-oh... Oh... ¶
(music playing faintly over headphones)
Oh, god.
Are you guys gonna beat me up?
'cause i just need a second to get in the fetal position...
No, no, we... We heard you singing.
Yeah, you're amazing.
Dude, you've got to audition for the glee club.
So people can make fun of me more than they already do?
Even the principal calls me white precious.
(chuckles)
Come here, you are precious.
Well, all anybody cares about in glee club is the way you sing.
Look, no one has signed up for your club yet, right?
Okay. Well, having me as your first member
Is just gonna drive kids away even more.
I have designed my entire life around people not noticing me.
Look, no one has wanted to feel more invisible
Than i have over the past couple of months.
But when i'm with these people,
They remind me of the best parts of myself.
And they would never make fun of me.
Mm, not to her face, no way.
You're the poster child for glee club.
You're why mr. Shue started the club in the first place.
It's a place where misfits can fit in.
Will you please try out?
I'm really sorry that i came on so strong.
But you can sing whatever you want.
Yeah, i guarantee you're gonna get in.
Quinn: Look at all of us.
We're all so different, and yet there's nothing
That we wouldn't do for each other.
We're all just a phone call away.
And that is because we took a chance on glee club.
And that's something that you deserve as well.
Sue: Dear journal,
I am living a nightmare.
Just when i thought
I had finally killed my white whale,
Vanquished the tone-deaf pansexual leviathan
That is the mckinley high glee club,
It returns...
To defile the great musical heritage of this nation
One execrable mash-up at a time.
So forlorn am i
That my pakistani doctor has informed me
That i, sue sylvester, have developed a duodenal ulcer.
(sighs loudly)
And now i've taken to drinking a mixture
Of motor oil, bloody mary mix and bat guano,
Just so i can bleed out and die.
There must be some way i can get at that glee club,
Some naive unsuspecting pawn i can bend to my will
To dismantle that glee club once and for all.
Wait a minute.
That's it.
Oh, journal, once again, you've given me reason to go on.
Sue sylvester knows who her shiny new plaything will be.
So let me get this straight, sue.
Uh, principal sylvester.
You want me to infiltrate the glee club
And be terrible on purpose
So that everybody gets demoralized and quits.
It works every time. (chuckles)
And i'll make it worth your while.
What's that?
This is a one-of-a-kind,
Custom-molded tom brady fleshlight.
Um, no, thank you.
Okay, well...
How about i hook up with my friends at pfizer
To supply me with enough antinausea pills
So i can stomach a conversation
With the lovably hideous coach beiste
And force her to make you the starting quarterback.
I'm gonna have to be really honest with you, sue.
It's, uh, principal sylvester.
First of all, i'm not for sale.
And secondly, if you want to get rid of the glee club,
You're gonna have to get better items than that.
Touché, postmodern gay.
(school bell ringing, students chattering)
(music playing faintly over headphones)
Hey, uh, can you... Can you take your headphones off?
It's distracting me.
Uh, actually, i kind of need...
No, it's fine.
It's okay. You can keep them on.
We get it.
Everyone has their own security blanket.
We just want to hear you sing.
(wilson pickett's "mustang sally" begins)
¶ mustang sally ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ huh ¶
¶ guess you better slow your mustang down ¶
¶ oh, lord ¶
¶ what i said now ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ mustang sally, now, baby ¶
¶ oh, lord ¶
¶ guess you better slow your mustang down ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ oh, yeah ¶
¶ you've been runnin' all over the town now ¶
¶ oh, i guess you'll have to put ¶
¶ your flat feet on the ground ¶
¶ uh ¶
¶ what i said now ¶
¶ listen, all you want to do ¶
¶ is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ all you want to do is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ all you want to do is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ all you want to do is ride around, sally ¶
¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ listen ¶
¶ one of these early mornings ¶
¶ i'm gonna be wiping your weeping eyes ¶
¶ what i said ¶
¶ oh, lord ¶
¶ what i said now ¶
¶ oh ¶ ¶ ride, sally, ride ¶
¶ yeah! ¶
(cheering)
Oh, wait.
Thank you.
Uh, we'll be posting names this week,
But that was really amazing, roderick.
Thank you.
Why don't we just let him in?
Okay, you're in!
(cheering) thank you.
Loyal subjects,
Homecoming day is upon us,
And i am pleased to welcome back
One of mckinley high's most distinguished graduates,
Who will serve as grand marshal
For tonight's activities.
Becky jackson, i hand it over to you.
Becky.
Listen up, bitches.
Tonight, becky jackson's in charge.
Rule number one: I'm bringing my taser.
I am going to drop anyone who is not dressed in school colors.
Rule number two:
No making out under the bleachers.
That's where i'm gonna make out.
Rule number three:
Every student must bring two books to burn
At the bonfire.
Rule number four...
Okay, that's enough. Give me the microphone. Give me the microphone.
Becky: The losing team will be sacrificed.
Sue: Okay, that's enough.
Let go of the microphone.
Honey, i'm gonna peel your fingers off one by one.
Give me the microphone!
Give it to me! (groans)
Oh, there she is.
Come on. You don't want to be late
For the first official glee club meeting.
You okay?
Yeah, i was just... Thinking about mr. Shue.
About how he did it.
About how he turned nothing into what we became.
As individuals and a team, as friends.
Well, we can't recreate what we had,
But we have to be open to finding something new
Or different or better. Yes.
So, why don't we just have the meeting in here?
I mean, since i am the only member.
First of all, we have to have the first meeting
In the choir room; it's tradition.
And second of all, you're not the only member.
Someone new joined yesterday. Wait, who?
(door opens)
I cannot believe you did this!
We sat down, we made rules.
No poaching.
It's not poaching.
She came to me.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
Even if they let me on the warblers,
I'll be fighting for every vocal breakout.
Yeah, you'll be fighting that fight anywhere.
Yeah, but at least here, it'll be a fair fight.
With the changes principal sylvester
Has made to the school, it's academically on par
With any private school in the state.
My parents are willing to let me transfer here
If it's what i want.
And besides, what did you expect me to do?
I mean, say no?
Jane asked me not to say anything
Until the transfer papers were through.
I just spent the last two days threatening to quit my job
In order to convince everyone to let her in,
And as soon as i did,
She tells me she's leaving to join your team?
I was humiliated.
Blaine, you have a full team and god knows how many
Other students at dalton that would kill to join.
Don't act all cool and loving about this, kurt.
I'm sure you're very happy
About all of this. I wouldn't be surprised
If you made this all happen after seeing you with dave.
Uh, maybe i should just go.
No, it's okay. No, stay. No, no, stay.
You're fine. You should stay and see what kind of people
Your coaches are.
This whole friendly competition thing...
It's over.
(school bell ringing)
The new and improved glee club
Has officially begun.
Introducing our first two members,
Jane and roderick.
(applause)
(deep voice): If you build it, they will come.
Well, they'd better come fast.
I mean, i'm sorry, but two people?
Santana: Shut up, tina.
There's actually four.
As per usual, my undeniable sexual magnetism
Has worked yet again.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is mason and madison
Mccarthy.
(applause)
Hey, gang.
We're super pumped there's a glee club again.
Now, i know what you're thinking.
They can obviously log roll and kick toss,
But can they sing?
Well, not to toot our own horns... Toot!
But we've won karaoke night
At the wapakoneta summer cheer camp
Every year since we were three. It's in our blood.
Our parents met while touring
With the inspirational, world-famous singing group,
Up with people.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I think i've made a mistake.
Rachel: No, it's okay. You're welcome.
I mean, you're gonna have to audition.
We have a very rigorous process.
I mean, not really. Sugar motta was literally tone-deaf.
Yeah, but she was hot.
I'm actually really happy.
This is the start
Of something really special.
And i know that most of you came home just for homecoming
And not for me and kurt,
But we can't tell you how grateful we are for your help.
Get over here. (laughs) let's hug.
Bring it in. Get in for this.
Come on, bring it in!
Start getting comfortable with group hugs.
(whistling)
(edward sharpe's "home" begins)
¶ hey ¶
¶ alabama, arkansas ¶
¶ i do love my ma and pa ¶
¶ not the way that i do love you ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ well, holy moley, me, oh, my ¶
¶ you're the apple of my eye ¶
¶ girl, i never loved one like you ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ man, oh, man, you're my best friend ¶
¶ i'll scream it to the nothingness ¶
¶ there ain't nothing that i need ¶
¶ well, hot and heavy, pumpkin pie ¶
¶ chocolate candy, my, oh, my ¶
¶ there ain't nothing please me more than you ¶
¶ ah, home, let me come home ¶
¶ home is wherever i'm with you ¶
¶ ah, home ¶
¶ let me come ho-oh-ome ¶
¶ home is wherever i'm with you... ¶
You think this is hard?
Try having sex with michael bolton
And not fall in love. That's hard!
¶ la, la, la, la ¶
¶ take me home ¶
¶ daddy, i'm coming home ¶ ¶ mama, i'm coming home ¶
(all whistling)
¶ hey ¶
¶ i'll follow you into the park ¶
¶ through the jungle, through the dark ¶
¶ girl, i never loved one like you ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ moats and boats and waterfalls ¶
¶ alleyways and pay phone calls ¶
¶ i've been everywhere with you ¶ ¶ hey ¶
¶ that's true ¶
¶ laugh until we think we'll die ¶
¶ barefoot on a summer night ¶
¶ never could be sweeter than with you ¶
¶ and in the streets we're runnin' free ¶
¶ like it's only you and me ¶
¶ geez, you're something to see ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ hey ¶
¶ home, let me come home ¶
¶ home is wherever i'm with you ¶
¶ ah, home ¶
¶ let me come ho-oh-ome ¶
¶ home is when i'm alone with you ¶
¶ alabama ¶
¶ arkansas ¶
¶ i do love my ma and pa ¶
¶ moats and boats and waterfalls ¶
¶ home is when i'm alone with you. ¶