Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 9 - Frenemies - full transcript

So here's
what you missed on Glee:

Rachel's got the lead
in Funny Girl on Broadway,

and Santana doesn't know
what she wants to do.

Bad Yeast goes scat
with Yeast-i-stat.

The New Directions! are getting
ready for college...

Artie's going
to film school in Brooklyn

and Blaine auditioned for NYADA.

Kurt formed a band,
but he's afraid Starchild's

trying to steal the spotlight.

Which is easy
when you dress like

a glam rock Ebenezer Scrooge.



Thank you for your time,
Starchild,

but it's not a good fit.

And that's what
you missed on Glee.

¿Perdón? Perdón?

Señorita.

Esos huevos no esta caliente.

Excuse me?

Oh, you speak English.

I thought you were Mexican.

- I'm from Ohio.
- Well, I didn't know

there were Mexicans in Ohio.

Okay. These eggs are cold.
I need new ones.

There's steam
coming off of them.

I happen to know that
eggs carry salmonella



and I like them
cooked extra hot

to kill any parasites.

Rápido, por favor.

Okay, I was certain
that you were going to go

Lima Heights Adjacent
and just throw those eggs

on that lady's face just now.

No.

I need this job.

I'm saving up to buy a noose

to hang myself with.

Hey.

Wait, what's going on?
Talk to me.

It's not what I expected,
you know? I'm awesome.

I thought I'd come here and
everyone would see that, too.

Wait, what do you mean?
You got a national commercial

within like a month
of being here.

Yes, and now everywhere I go,
I am known as the girl

with the raging yeast infection.

The other day some customers
made me take their toast back

because looking at me made them
lose their appetite

for any bread products.

I'm sorry I'm complaining.
I'm fine.

No, you're not. Look, it's
okay to complain to me,

It means we're friends.

I just have this weird guilt trip
thing about being friends with you,

because I was so awful
to you in high school.

Quinn and Brit hated you, too,
and that's mostly

just because you sucked so bad
and you walked with that weird

"feet pointing out" thing.

I made Quinn
look like the boss,

but I was really running
the "Hate on Rachel" parade.

It's fine, okay?

I forgive you, and you just
have to forgive yourself.

High school's over and it's just
me, you and Kurt here now.

Yes, and out of all three
of us, I am crapping

the bed the hardest.

I may be on top right now,
but one day it'll be you.

You know, what you need right
now is some good old pampering.

Oh, are you treating at
the Korean spa? Better.

I'm gonna be on the cover
of New York magazine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, that's awesome.

I'm totally pretending
not to be jealous.

No, I'm just kidding,
that's really cool.

Well, it's just something that
the publicist for the show

set up to, like, introduce me
to the world and I just,

I feel like this is my moment
where I've really arrived.

I'm really, really
happy for you.

But what does this have to
do with me being pampered?

Okay, so there's gonna be
models at the shoot and I think

I have enough juice to ask
if you can be one of them.

And you can get, like, get
your hair done and your nails

and your makeup and there's all
these free clothes. Are you in?

- Hells yes, I'm in.
- Yay.

Right after I spit...

in these eggs.

Heisten.

I really hope that I
can be as cool as you

when the roles are reversed.

You're a really good friend.

I'm really proud of us.

- Why's that? - 'Cause
even after you and I

broke up, we were
able to stay friends

and continue our tradition
of Tuesday lunch together.

It's also a good way to avoid
the cafeteria on Taco Tuesdays

when they use Grade "D" prison
meat that can legally contain

up to 5% insect larvae.

Still.

I'm gonna miss this next
year when you're at Brown

and I'm at film school
in Brooklyn.

I got wait-listed at Brown.

Oh, you'll get in. You
know how many students

make it off the wait list?

Two percent.

The only other schools I
applied to were Ohio State

and that dumb vet school.

I really wanted to get out
of this place, you know?

Expand my horizons.

I don't think that's
in the cards for me now.

Well, listen.

We have, what, a couple
more Tuesdays at McKinley?

Let's make them count.

From now until graduation,

Tuesday lunch is about music
that'll cheer you up

because the only thing
you'll be doing next year

is knitting scarves for those
chilly Ivy League winters.

That's a really
flimsy segue, Artie.

♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪

♪ I begin to think
I understand ♪

♪ Anywhere we are ♪

♪ You and I have always been ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ I see myself
within your eyes ♪

♪ And that's all I need
to show me why ♪

♪ Everything I do
always takes me home to you ♪

♪ Forever and ever ♪

♪ Now I know my life
has given me ♪

♪ More than memories ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We can see ♪

♪ In every moment there's
a reason to carry on ♪

♪ Sweet love showin' us
a heavenly light ♪

♪ I've never seen
such a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Sweet love flowin'
almost every night ♪

♪ I know forever
we'll be doin' it ♪

♪ Sweet love showin' us
a heavenly light ♪

♪ I've never seen
such a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Sweet love flowin'
almost every night ♪

♪ I know forever we'll be doin'
it, doin' it, doin' it ♪

♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ Such sweet love ♪

♪ Source of light in my life ♪

♪ Everything I do
brings it back to you ♪

♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪
♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ Sweet love... ♪
♪ Sweet love is going on... ♪

♪ Sweet love... ♪

♪ Coming back. ♪

Ugh!

Close the door
when you sing crap like that.

Hey, Becky, can we
help you with something?

Yeah, quit staring at my boobs.

Tina, Artie...
Principal Sylvester

wants to see you in her office.

Stumbles.

Tina Warrior Princess.

Graduation is fast approaching

and it is time
to award the title

of Senior class valedictorian.

Now, as you are,
respectively, a loner Asian

who has trouble making friends

and a nasal,
Muppety disabled kid

in a wheelchair, it should
come as no surprise

to you both that you're
at the head of your class.

In fact...

you're tied for number one.

Tied? How is that possible?

Identical GPAs,

extracurriculars,

and you both have
perfect attendance.

Now, unlike some members
of the Glee Club who come and go

for months at a time
with no explanation,

you two losers are
always in that choir room.

Even if, for an entire week,
the only thing you have to do

is say something
inconsequential, like,

"Kitty's right,"

or "Blaine,
are you serious?"

Wait, we can't both
be valedictorian.

Not in my world.

And that is why we're
going to settle this

with a friendly
little competition.

As you know, the valedictorian

gives the speech at graduation.

At the end of this week,

you will both
deliver your speeches

to a blue ribbon panel
of idiots of my choosing.

Whoever wins...

will be crowned valedictorian.

That sound fair?

No, actually, it doesn't.

Life isn't fair, Abrams.

Good, then it's settled.

Oh, and, uh, let this stand
as a warning to you both.

If during one of your speeches,

you decide to abandon
your prepared text

in favor of a musical number,
because the emotions

you're feeling
are just so complex

they can only
be expressed in song,

I promise you I will dedicate
my life to making sure

that every beverage you drink,
until the day you die,

will have a just a...

tiny, little bit
of my pee in it.

Oh, my God, can you believe
all the amazing dresses

that they pulled
for this shoot?

And all these girls
are like the new up-and-comers

from Juilliard and Harvard and Yale.
Mm-hmm.

Okay, that girl over there... look,
but don't really look... Oh.

She just got the lead
on AMC's new show

about Victorian prostitutes.

I'm so nervous, but I'm nervous
because I'm excited

or because I'm scared, this is so amazing.
Berry, Berry.

You look amazing.
Okay.

Own it.
All right.

You are exactly where
you're supposed to be.

- Thank you.
- Okay, good luck.

Okay, here I go.

- Tell me if I look good.
- Okay.

♪ You can be amazing ♪

♪ You can turn a phrase
into a weapon or a drug ♪

♪ You can be the outcast
or be the backlash ♪

♪ Of somebody's lack of love ♪

♪ Or you can start speaking up ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna hurt you ♪

♪ The way that words do when
they settle 'neath your skin ♪

♪ Kept on the inside
and no sunlight ♪

♪ Sometimes the shadow wins ♪

♪ But I wonder what
would happen if you ♪

♪ Say what you wanna say ♪

♪ And let the words fall out ♪

♪ Honestly, I wanna
see you be brave ♪

♪ With what you want to say ♪

♪ And let the words fall out ♪

♪ Honestly ♪

♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪

♪ Just wanna see you ♪

♪ I just wanna see you ♪

♪ Just wanna see you ♪

♪ I want to see you be brave

♪ And since your
history of silence ♪

♪ Won't do you any good ♪

♪ Did you think it would? ♪

♪ Let your words be
anything but empty ♪

♪ Why don't you
tell them the truth? ♪

♪ Say what you wanna say ♪

♪ And let the words fall out ♪

♪ Honestly ♪

♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪

♪ With what you wanna say ♪

♪ And let the words fall out ♪

♪ Honestly ♪

♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪

♪ Just wanna see you ♪

♪ I just wanna see you ♪

♪ Just wanna see you ♪

♪ I wanna see you be brave ♪

♪ Just wanna see you ♪

♪ I just wanna see you ♪

♪ Just wanna see you ♪

♪ I just wanna
see you be brave ♪

♪ I just wanna see you ♪

♪ I wanna see you be brave. ♪

Santana.

Come on.

Go to wardrobe, get dressed.

Okay.

No need to write a speech.
I wrote it for you.

"In the hallowed halls
of McKinley High,

"one name rises to the top:
Tina Cohen-Chang.

"There is no other choice
for valedictorian.

I humbly drop out."

No me gusta.

Artie, I need valedictorian

in order to guarantee
my acceptance to Brown.

If I don't get in, I'm screwed.

Please take the fall for me.

No. It's not my fault you didn't
apply to enough schools.

Maybe I was too busy making
costumes and building sets

and swaying in the background
while everybody else

was front and center.
You always get

everything you want,
and I get nothing.

Woman, are you insane?
You just won Prom Queen.

Which counts against me.

I read online
that college admission directors

think that high school
Prom Queens

are self-centered
attention whores.

Exactly.

Excuse me?

It's time you heard this.

The whole school's
been talking about it.

Everyone's convinced
that sometime between junior

and senior year,
an alien invaded your body

and made you shallow
and desperate.

Says the nerd
who's dating a Cheerio!

Says the hag
who vapo-raped Blaine.

That was blown totally out
of proportion, and, yeah,

I had a little crush on a guy
who could never love me,

but is that any different

than you having a crush
on a girl who can't possibly

love you?

Kitty does love me.

Please.
She's obviously using you

for some kind
of sick charity project,

and you're using her, too.

That's what your speech
can be about,

how you're making a sad,
last-ditch effort to be popular

by dating
McKinley's biggest bitch.

Actually, Tina,
you're McKinley's biggest bitch.

And I'm gonna win this.

I don't know, Kurt, don't you
think you might be overreacting?

If anything, I'm underreacting.

Starchild is trying
to take over the band.

The soul of Pamela Lansbury
is hanging in the balance.

It all started when Elliott
scored an interview

in The Village Voice,
and he said,

"I feel so alive right now.

Nothing means more to me
than my band."

That's great, isn't it? He's
calling it his band, Blaine.

And then, not five minutes ago,
do I get a text from him

that says, "Oh, my God,

I just wrote a new song
that we have"... in all caps...

"got to do."
I mean, he's a psychopath.

Kurt, I gotta go. But, look,
if you're really concerned

about Elliot, don't let on,
even for a second.

Remember the old adage,
keep your friends close

and your enemies closer.

I love you.

All right, ladies, remember,
we got band rehearsal tonight.

Kurt, I'm sorry,
I just... I can't.

- What?
- Wait, what? Why?

Santana, don't start
with me right now.

They're auditioning
my understudy today,

and I have to be there.
I told them it's ridiculous

because it's not like I'm ever
gonna miss a performance

or anything. Just... It must be
an insurance thing, right?

Hey, well, hold up. If Berry's
not coming, then neither am I.

Guys, we're in a band.
We have to practice.

Kurt, I would think
that you would understand

all the emotional stress
that I'm under right now,

and I need you guys to just
be a little supportive.

It's just...
it's really hard being a star.

Okay, guys, it's coming down
to the wire.

We have a very important
decision to make.

Yes, my wig is either gonna be
Anna Wintour chic

or Pam Grier fabulousness.

I'm not ready
to make the decision.

Okay. So, we have two solos
at nationals.

And since Blaine
was voted the new Rachel,

obviously he's got one.
So...

who is gonna step up
and take center stage?

I'd like to nominate myself.

Shocker.
And you think you're gonna

carry us to victory?
Actually, Mr. Shue,

I think I'd like to compete
with Tina for that second spot.

Well, I think we should have a
sing-off, right here, right now.

A little help, guys?

♪ Ooh, bop

♪ No, you're never
gonna get it ♪

♪ Ow ♪
♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪

♪ No, not this time ♪ No,
you're never gonna get it ♪

♪ My love ♪
♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪

♪ Ooh, bop ♪

♪ I remember how it used to be ♪

♪ You never was this nice ♪

♪ You can't fool me ♪
♪ Ooh, bop ♪

♪ Now you're talkin'
like you made a change ♪

♪ The more you talk,
the more things sound the same ♪

♪ What makes you think
you can just walk back ♪

♪ Into her life ♪

♪ Without a good fight? ♪

♪ Oh

♪ I just sit back
and watch you make a fool ♪

♪ Of yourself ♪

♪ 'Cause you're just wasting
your time ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ No, you're never
gonna get it ♪

♪ Not this time ♪
♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪

♪ My love ♪ No, you're
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Had your chance to make a change ♪
♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪

♪ No, you're never
gonna get it ♪

♪ Not this time ♪
♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪

♪ My love ♪ No, you're
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Had your chance to make a change ♪
♪ Never, ever gonna get it ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

♪ What you do or what you say ♪

♪ She don't love you ♪

♪ No way ♪

♪ Maybe next time you'll give
your woman a little respect ♪

♪ So you won't be
hearing her say ♪

♪ No way! ♪

And now it's time
for a breakdown.

♪ Never gonna get it,
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Never gonna get it,
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Never gonna get it,
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Never gonna get it ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, bup, oh ♪

♪ Never gonna get it,
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Never gonna get it,
never gonna get it ♪

♪ Never gonna get it,
never gonna it ♪

♪ Never gonna get it ♪

Whoa! ♪ Never get it ♪

Whoa! Hey!

Artie, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to.

There, buddy.
It's fine.

I'm fine.

When the girls bailed,
I almost canceled rehearsal,

but then I thought, why can't
it just be the boys today?

Why not use this
as a great opportunity

to get to know
my new friend Elliott?

- Cucumber sandwich?
- Thank you. Yeah.

So, let's break it down,
Andy Cohen-style.

How long have you been
performing?

'Cause you are
extremely confident

out there on that stage.

Like you've been doing it
your whole life.

A-And dare I say it? You just
might be the breakout star

of Pamela Lansbury.

Yeah, well, I am.

Sorry?

Come on now. I mean...

everybody's bringing
something essential to the mix.

Right, right. Said Beyoncé right
before she left Destiny's Child.

She was better...
But you were saying something.

Um, yeah, I guess the first time
onstage was... fifth grade.

I played Schroeder in You're
a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

How does one go
from Schroeder to Starchild?

What is that journey like?
Well...

Ruthless and-and full of
ambition, I-I, I imagine...

qualities that I admire,
of course, and, you know,

wish I had more of myself.

Um, I started with, um,
singing lessons and piano.

And-and I just started
taking guitar.

Would you teach me?
Have you ever played?

Oh, yeah, a little. I-I think
I know the-the basic chords,

but I'm nowhere near your level
of virtuosity.

I'm not that good. Oh, will you
stop downplaying yourself?

You... are amazing.

You could easily be
the front man of our band

if you wanted to be. Do you?

Yes.

Come again?

You know, Kurt, uh,
if you really want to learn,

you should... you should get
your own guitar.

You know, something
that suits your personality

and your style. You know,
having the right instrument

makes a huge difference.

Great.

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Wake unto me... ♪

Thank you.

We will call.

Thank you.

Woof.

I mean, no wonder you
hired me for this part.

No one can sing in this town.

I hired you
because you are spectacular.

And incredibly healthy.

I plan on wearing one
of those surgical masks

that Chinese people wear
once we're up and running

because I do not get sick,

which is why I don't
need an understudy.

The union says
you need an understudy.

So does the producer, so does
our insurance company, so do I.

Fine. How many more
people do we have left?

Just a few.

Santana Lopez.

What?

♪ Don't tell me not to live,
just sit and putter ♪

♪ Life's candy and the
sun's a ball of butter ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud
to rain on my parade ♪

♪ Don't tell me not to fly ♪

♪ I've simply got to,
if someone takes a spill ♪

♪ It's me and not you ♪

♪ Who told you you're allowed
to rain on my parade? ♪

♪ I'll march my band out ♪

♪ I'll beat my drum ♪

♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪

♪ Your turn at bat, sir ♪

♪ At least I didn't fake it ♪

♪ Hat, sir,
I guess I didn't make it ♪

♪ But whether I'm the rose
of sheer perfection ♪

♪ Or freckle on the nose
of life's complexion ♪

♪ The cinder or the shiny apple
of its eye ♪

♪ I gotta fly once,
I gotta try once ♪

♪ Only can die once ♪

♪ Right, sir? Oh, life is ♪

♪ Juicy, juicy and you'll see ♪

♪ I gotta have my bite, sir ♪

♪ Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer ♪

♪ I simply gotta march,
my heart's a drummer ♪

♪ Don't bring around a cloud
to rain on my ♪

♪ Parade ♪

♪ I'm gonna live and live now ♪

♪ Get what I want, I know how ♪

♪ One roll
for the whole shebang ♪

♪ One throw,
that bell will go clang ♪

♪ Eye on the target and wham ♪

♪ One shot, one gunshot
and bam ♪

♪ Hey, Mr. Arnstein ♪

♪ Here I am ♪

♪ I'll march my band out ♪

♪ I'll beat my drum ♪

♪ And if I'm fanned out ♪

♪ Your turn at bat, sir,
at least I didn't fake it ♪

♪ Hat, sir,
I guess I didn't make it ♪

♪ Get ready for me, love,
'cause I'm a comer ♪

♪ I simply gotta march,
my heart's a drummer ♪

♪ Nobody, no, nobody is ♪

♪ Gonna rain ♪

♪ On my ♪

♪ Parade! ♪

Holy moly.
That was amazing.

Who are you? I mean,

who submitted you?

Well, actually, I heard
about this audition

from Rachel.

We're roommates, and we went
to high school together.

One high school produced
both of you?

Rachel, why didn't you
tell me about her?

Uh...

Ooh, I'm so excited that
we're doing this, Elliott.

And after this, I thought
we could second-act Pippin.

Ooh. And we can go to Angus's
for after-theater cocktails.

Oh, yeah. Looking for
anything in particular?

Uh, yeah. My friend's in
the market for a new guitar.

Don't touch the axes.

The ax... Are those the axes?
What? I don't...

Hey, man,

do you know that song
by The Darkness...

- - "I Believe in a Thing Called Love"?
Uh...

♪ Can't explain all the feelings
that you're making me feel ♪

♪ My heart's in overdrive ♪

♪ And you're behind
the steering wheel ♪

♪ Touching you-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Touching me-ee-ee ♪

♪ Touching you ♪

♪ God, you're touching me ♪

♪ I believe
in a thing called love ♪

♪ Just listen
to the rhythm of my heart ♪

♪ There's a chance
we could make it now ♪

♪ We'll be rocking
till the sun goes down ♪

♪ I believe
in a thing called love ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh, yeah ♪

Come on.

♪ I wanna kiss you every minute,
every hour, every day ♪

♪ You got me in a spin
but everything is A-okay ♪

♪ Touching you-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Touching me-ee-ee ♪

♪ Touching you,
God, you're touching me ♪

♪ I believe
in a thing called love ♪

♪ Just listen to the rhythm
of my heart ♪

♪ There's a chance
we could make it now ♪

♪ We'll be rocking
till the sun goes down ♪

♪ I believe
in a thing called love ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh,
oh, yeah ♪

Guitar!

♪ Touching you-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Touching me-ee-ee ♪

♪ Touching you,
God, you're touching me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I believe
in a thing called love ♪

♪ Just listen
to the rhythm of my heart ♪

♪ There's a chance
we could make it now ♪

♪ We'll be rocking
till the sun goes down ♪

♪ I believe in a thing
called love ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

Come on.

♪ I believe
in a thing called love ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, hey, yeah ♪

♪ I believe in a thing
called love ♪

♪ Whoa, oh-oh, oh, yeah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. ♪

Throw these guys some guitars.

You don't own the song.

No, that song is
Ms. Streisand's

as long as she's on this planet.

But let me tell you
something... when she goes,

it's gonna be my responsibility
to sing it.

Do you know how insane
you sound?

It was completely
inappropriate of her

to try out without telling me.

Hey, roomies.
Talking about me?

No. Why would you think that?

Why did you audition
without telling me?

Well, because I figured

that we were going
to fight about it, anyway,

so we might as well
go at it afterwards.

That way you don't have
a chance to torpedo me.

Fanny Brice is a New York Jew.
You playing that role is

like me being the grand marshal
at the Puerto Rican Day parade.

What if you weren't
playing Fanny?

If you weren't playing the lead,
and I came home and said

that I had auditioned
to be the understudy,

would you still feel
so strongly?

I'm arguing on principle.
This is not personal.

Bull crap, Rachel.

You have all of this talk about
forgiveness for high school,

but the reality is
that you just love having

something over me.
I mean, these past

couple of months
with you in rehearsal

and me waiting tables has been
such sweet revenge for you.

And you just can't stand the
idea that I might get mine, too.

I just got you on the cover
of New York magazine!

In the background. You were
practically glowing about it.

That's because
I accomplished something.

It had nothing to do with you.

No, see, it actually has
everything to do with me.

Every step that you take
in this city is fueled

by all of the hate
that we gave you.

All of that ambition is just
you trying to prove us wrong.

Which is fine, Rachel.
I mean, whatever works for you.

Just don't try
to say that it isn't.

You know what? Why don't we just
chill for a second, please.

Okay, I'll make espresso.
You know what?

You can't handle it.

You can't handle
that I have made it,

and you are just begging
to be my understudy.

Okay, you know what?

Just admit that even with all
of your years of singing lessons

and dancing lessons and
only-child adoration

from your gay
Broadway dads that I

am just as good as you.

Unlike you, I can be popular
in high school and still

make it big after graduation.

Just admit that no matter
what you do,

or how far you go,

you will never be able
to scratch that itch.

You will never be able to look
down on me and redeem yourself.

Because I was better
than you then,

and I'm always gonna
be better than you.

You are short,
you are awful, and

that is never going to change.

I think you should move out.

I agree.

This is crazy!
We're friends!

Not really.

Hello?

Yeah, good.

Okay. Well, thank you
for letting me know so soon.

Bye.

I'll see you
at rehearsals, Berry.

I'm your new understudy.

Welcome idiots to the McKinley
High valedictorian speech-off.

Your job today is to decide
which of these speeches

is slightly less awful.

That being said,
allow me to present

absolutely no one's
favorite New Direction!...

Tina Cohen-Chang.

My fellow graduates,

I feel like I was
a different person

when I first arrived at McKinley
High School four years ago.

I was a goth chick

who was so intent
on pushing people away

that I pretended
to have a stutter,

which I now understand
wasn't even that convincing.

I wasn't even

good at stuttering.

But then, something
in my life changed.

Someone, actually.

In fact...
that someone changed me.

And that person's name
is Artie Abrams.

Artie, wait. I'm really sorry.
It was an accident.

You're still one of
my best friends, Artie.

I know you know that.

Ditto.

Artie has taught me
how to not only be myself,

but he's an inspiration to
high school students everywhere.

Sure, I've
experienced adversity.

One Christmas, I was given
a pair of mechanical legs

that allowed me to walk for an
hour before they promptly broke.

But I've never been so humbled
as I was

the moment Tina Cohen-Chang
wiped the slushie off

of her gown and triumphantly
returned to the stage

to claim her rightful crown
as prom queen.

That is why I respectfully

withdraw myself
from consideration,

and ask that Tina be named
this year's valedictorian.

I believe he should be given the
title of class valedictorian.

God, this can't be happening.

Is it a bridge too far

to call Artie Abrams
an American hero?

I think not.

It's no exaggeration to say

that Tina took my broken body
in her arms

and taught me how to love.

And as he strains to push
his wheelchair up that ramp,

the ghosts of fallen heroes
follow close behind.

Rosa Parks, Mahatma Gandhi.

Artie Abrams holds high
the torch of dignity.

So please, respected judges,
cast your lot for Tina.

I beseech you, vote for Artie.

Tina Cohen-Chang, teammate,
sometime lover,

patriot, friend.

Thank you.

Thank you.

What a treacly, stomach-turning

waste of everybody's time.

I hate you both.

The judges will now make
their decision

while I find a
wastebasket to dry-heave

mouthfuls of yellow bile into.

What are you doing?

Putting makeup on.

I have some bruising on my cheek

I'd like to cover up
before rehearsal.

You may not know this because
you haven't been interested

in Broadway
since the day we met,

but the star gets
her own vanity.

There is a perfectly fine

bathroom mirror upstairs
for the understudy.

So sorry, I totally forgot
how much room you need

for all that hooker makeup
you plaster on every day.

I will totally slap you again.

I would love for things
to get physical.

I will hit you so hard that
you won't be able to wake up

until you're old enough
to be Funny Lady.

You will never play this part;
I know you're planning

on getting all Showgirls crazy
on me and pushing me

down the stairs
and poisoning my oatmeal,

but you're gonna have
to kill me first,

and even then,
I will come back from the dead

and I will play this part
just to spite you.

Zombie Fanny?

Ghost Fanny, actually.

What's this?

Fighting? No, no, no.

No way, no fighting.

Okay, Rupert,
this isn't gonna work.

Santana and I have a past.

Which besides her
being incredibly talented,

is why she is here.

If you want to fill this house,

we need all the press
we can get.

I've got Pat Healy
from the New York Times,

David Cote from Time Out,

Adam Hetrick

to break the story
of the two girls

from the same high school
in Ohio

who made it big in the
same Broadway show.

Two old friends

finding fame, love and fortune
in the big city. Hell of a hook.

You're both gonna get plenty
of attention individually,

but it is a fact, as a team,

you'll be twice as famous.

From now on, I want the two
of you joined at the hip.

You both need to know every
move Fanny makes in the show,

starting with scene 14.

Rachel, you'll run through
it first, then Santana.

I don't know what happened

between the two of
you in the past.

Honestly, I don't really care.

It's all...
puppy dogs and rainbows

from now till this show closes.

Well...

at least we know who
the rainbow is,

and who's the dog.

Bathroom's upstairs!

♪ Every breath you take ♪

♪ And every move you make ♪

♪ Every bond you break ♪

♪ Every step you take ♪

♪ I'll be watching you ♪

♪ Every single day ♪

♪ And every word you say ♪

♪ Every game you play ♪

♪ Every night you stay ♪

♪ I'll be watching you ♪

♪ Oh, can't you see? ♪

♪ You belong to me ♪

♪ How my poor heart aches ♪

♪ With every step you take ♪

♪ Every move you make ♪

♪ And every vow you break ♪

♪ Every smile you fake ♪

♪ Every claim you stake ♪

♪ I'll be watching you ♪

♪ Since you've gone, I've been
lost without a trace ♪

♪ I dream at night,
I can only see your face ♪

♪ I look around,
but it's you I can't replace ♪

♪ I feel so cold,
and I long for your embrace ♪

♪ I keep crying ♪

♪ Baby, by, pase... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh,
Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Every breath you take,
every move you make ♪

♪ Every bond you break ♪

♪ Every step you take ♪

♪ Every single day,
every word you say ♪

♪ Every game you play ♪

♪ Every night you stay ♪

♪ Every move you make,
every vow you break ♪

♪ Every smile you fake ♪

♪ I'll be watching ♪

♪ Every single day,
every word you say ♪

♪ Every game you play ♪

♪ I'll be watching you. ♪

Ah, T. Rex?

Oh, be still my glam heart.

You know, there's this amazing
flea market in Park Slope

- that we should go to.
- Ooh.

I will help you pick out

the perfect records
to add to your collection.

I'm, uh, kind of magic
like that.

And I am kind of magic
at baking prepackaged goods

with extra glazing.

- Aw...
- Yes!

That looks amazing.

You know, Kurt...

you know, this might sound
a little bit weird,

but, um, I'm so glad
that we've met.

I mean,

you're the first gay friend
that I've made

in the city that's not crazy

or just trying to hook up.

But I do know what you're doing.

What's that?

I'm not trying
to take over you band, man.

That's what
you're thinking, right?

I mean, that's why we've been
spending so much time together?

You are kind of magic.

I'm sorry,
I-I just wanted to,

you know, figure out,

exactly what your deal was.

Well, the deal is this.

You guys are awesome.

You're good people,
you're talented

and, you know what?
So am I.

So let's not be
these, like, smiley frenemies

that backstab each other.

Let's go out
and kick ass together.

I mean, I'm a part of your band.

Yeah, you are.

Okay, let's document
this moment.

Shall we? Great.
Yes, yes.

I think this calls
for a Pamela Lansbury selfie.

Oh! See...
I was still chewing.

Oh, sorry, let's take
a look, it could be...

Yeah, no, we're doing
that again...

Yeah, that's awful.
We're going that again, okay?

One, two... Be super cute.

Aw, cute!

Oh!

Well, the judges have spoken.

And?
Congratulations, morons.

You split the vote.
It's a tie.

Are you serious?

Yes, I am, Make-a-Wish.

Now I have no choice

but to make you
co-salutatorians.

And elevate the student
ranked number three

to the class valedictorian.

Who?

Blaine Anderson.

What?
What?!

I'm really sorry, guys.
I feel terrible.

Don't be, if we can't
be valedictorian,

we're glad it's you.

No, but you two deserve it.

I mean, come on, you guys have
a higher grade point average.

I know this sounds
like a humble brag.

But honestly,
I feel like sometimes

things just get handed to me.

Really? Hmm.
I never noticed that.

You know, like, how Mr. Shue

gives me more solos
than anyone, and...

Blade gay Blaine!

When did you break-up
with Pancake Face?

Uh, Becky, I'd really
appreciate it

if you didn't call my
fiancé "Pancake Face."

And no, we're not broken up.

Yeah, you are.

What?

Um, that's a...
that's a great photo, Becky.

But don't worry.

Kurt and Elliot are
just friends.

Just friends, my ass.

Speaking of ass...

Pancake Face is getting some.

Oh, snap!

Tina and Artie have both
demurred from having solos

at Nationals,
so we're still looking

for someone to step up.

Uh, Mr. Shue?
You already have a solo, Blaine.

Thank you, Tina.

This is about something else.

As you may have all heard,

I have been asked, oddly,

to be valedictorian this year.

And so, I thought,
instead of boring everybody

with the traditional
valedictorian speech

where I tell people to follow
their dreams

and blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,

I could actually affect people
by singing.

So I was hoping
you guys could help me

brainstorm
some graduation songs.

I cannot wait to watch

Principal Sylvester
assassinate you.

Look, I know you guys
both really wanted it.

That's why I want both
of you to sing with me.

Whatever song we pick,
we should pick together.

And you should both
definitely have solos.

And, Tina, we could
film rehearsal

and send it to Brown.

And they're so artsy
and progressive

that I'm sure once they see it,
they're just gonna open up

those Van Winkle gates,
looking for you.

They better open them
really wide.

Oh, Blainy Days.

Well, if we're gonna go down,

I'm honored to go
down together.

Yes! Right! That's
that spirit I like!

We all can't live here anymore.

One of us has to go.

I've paid rent here
for three months.

And even though I never
actually got to have a bed,

uh, I have squatter's rights.

Kurt, you're the deciding vote.

Oh, well, then I guess
I should pack my stuff now.

'Cause we all know who he's
gonna side with. Right.

Thank you.
I'm thinking neither of you.

Okay? This is ridiculous!
We are friends.

I'm not gonna let something
like this break us up.

This is betrayal, Kurt, okay?

This is exactly how
friends break up.

She auditioned for
your understudy, Rachel.

How is that betrayal?
Okay, you know what?

Let me break it down for you...
the sole purpose

of an understudy is to hope

that the lead never goes on.

She only wins if I lose!

And I can't be around this
negative energy anymore.

This is my big break
and she is poisoning it!

"Poison."

Even if she never went out
on that stage,

this would be
a very important job for her.

And I'm a little disappointed
you can't find

the generosity
in your heart to see that.

You know what? If you think

that she is just some babe

in the woods
who is perfectly fine

with living off of the scraps
off of my star sandwich,

then you are naive
and willfully ignorant!

She would kill for this part!

Oh, yes, she has been
awful to us before.

But I believe her now.

Look at that,
Pasty Gay is siding with me.

I am not siding
with either of you.

I just want to order a pizza,

sit down and talk this out!

You know what?

You guys can do whatever
you want in this apartment,

because I'm leaving, and let me
tell you something, Santana.

You and I have just been
pretending to be friends

ever since we did that
stupid number in the choir room

after graduation,
all happy and supportive.

But it's all crap!

Because you and I have
never been friends.

Never have and never will be!

Rachel, no.

No. No, you know what?
Let her go.

Hey, leave the mattress though,
would you?

I am on the cusp

of something that most people
never even touch,

a dream come true.

I am gonna be
a star on Broadway.

And I'm not gonna let one moment

of this amazing,
life-altering experience

be ruined by two friends
who aren't even my friends...

That's it.

I'm done. I'm leaving.
Okay. Cool.

♪ Da-da-da-da, na-na ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da,
na-na ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Grew up in a small town ♪

♪ And when the rain
would fall down ♪

I'd just stare out my window ♪

♪ Dreaming of what could be ♪

♪ And if I'd end up happy ♪

♪ I would pray ♪

♪ But when I try to speak out ♪

♪ Felt like no one
could hear me ♪

♪ Wanted to belong here ♪

♪ But something felt
so wrong here ♪

♪ So I prayed ♪

♪ I could break away... ♪

♪ I'll spread my wings
and I'll learn how to fly ♪

♪ I'll do what it takes ♪

♪ Till I touch the sky ♪

♪ And I'll make a wish
take a chance, make a change ♪

♪ And break away... ♪

♪ Out of the darkness ♪

♪ And into the sun ♪

♪ But I won't forget ♪

♪ All the ones that I love ♪

♪ Make a wish, take a chance ♪

♪ Make a change ♪

♪ And break away ♪

♪ Buildings
with a hundred floors ♪

♪ Swing around revolving doors ♪

♪ Maybe I don't know
where they'll take me ♪

♪ But gotta keep moving on ♪

♪ Moving on ♪

♪ Fly away ♪

♪ Break away ♪

♪ I'll spread my wings ♪

♪ And I'll learn how to fly ♪

♪ Though it's not easy ♪

♪ To tell you good-bye ♪

♪ Make a wish, take a chance ♪

♪ Make a change ♪

♪ And break away ♪

♪ Break away, break away. ♪