Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 8 - Previously Unaired Christmas - full transcript

Jane Lynch introduces the episode as a Christmas special that FOX did not allow to air from last year. The New Directions audition for roles in McKinley's living Nativity Scene. Meanwhile in New York, Rachel, Kurt and Santana work as Santa's elves at a mall.

Hello, I'm America's Jane Lynch.

In October 2012,

on the Paramount soundstages,

the cast and crew of Glee

filmed a Christmas episode

entitled "Rough Trade Santa."

Upon viewing the director's cut,

Fox executives
recoiled in horror,

and then locked the episode
in a lead vault,

where it languished
for an entire year.

A new, less-controversial
Christmas episode containing

an entire act dedicated
to biracial Judaism

was rushed into production
and aired in its place.

After a year of pleas
from fans all over the world,

the episode will now air...

with several edits.

Gone is an entire subplot

involving Blaine and his
obsession with Yule logs.

Lost forever are
several scenes explaining

why Will Schuester abandoned
his Washington dreams

to come back
and teach his merry band

of miscreants and losers.

So, sit back, relax,

have some eggnog and enjoy,

if you dare--

the never-aired
Glee Christmas episode.

(Glee Club whooping, applauding)

We're going green, guys.

(all cheering, whooping)

I refuse to give up my wig

and weave-aerosolized
luster spray!

Okay, you're fine, Unique.

This year's theme
for the 50th Annual

McKinley Classroom
Decorating contest is...

"Green is Good."

(all whooping)
Sam, Tina.

All right, well, as seniors,
Mr. Shue asked us

to take over the, uh,
decorating committee this year,

so we're gonna need everyone's
help in order to win this thing.

Oh, and we will win.

Because first prize is

an antique glass angel,

hand-blown thousands
of years ago.

This holy glass ornament is
said to have magical powers

to bring good luck,
and possibly a boyfriend

or prom queen dreams
to whoever she oversees.

And that person will be me.

Um, don't we all get
to share the prize?

We're going au naturel
this year.

We're gonna get pine cones,
L.E.D. lights.

Are we getting those
from the L.E.D. bush out back?

This is exactly
the kind of in-fighting

that will make us lose, and
I'm not gonna stand for it.

Guys, this is serious!

Cancel your plans
for the entire month.

I don't want to hear
about any of you

caroling in nursing homes

or feeding the homeless

or giving toys to tots.

Every waking thought will
be spent figuring out

how to win me that stupid angel.

Got it?


Merry Christmas, everyone.

♪ Joy to the... ♪

Shut up, Blaine!


The McKinley High

Christmas Club meeting
is now called to order.

Vice President Artie Abrams

has the floor.

This Christmas club looks
an awful lot like Glee Club.

Nobody panic.

But Principal Figgins
just informed me

that McKinley's outdoor manger
scene has been defaced

with swastikas
and with Satanic symbols.

And Baby Jesus was found stuffed
down Figgins' chimney.

Oh, my God, that's horrible!

Christmas is canceled!

Not quite yet, Tina.

Figgins asked
the Christmas Club to step in...

and do a living nativity.

Christmas is saved.

And Artie and I have decided

that Jake should play Joseph.
I mean...

Joseph was a darkly tanned Jew.

Thank you?

I call dibs on arguably
the most important female role

in the history of the world.

The Virgin Mary.

You can't. You're black,
and you'd crush the donkey.

I'm a virgin!

That's a shocker.

To think nobody's tickled

inside of your musty,
mildewed granny panties

except for the family
of crickets that nest in there.

Yeah, well...

you wear
a smaller bra than me!

All right, girls, come on, okay?

It's Christmas, and
we've got a show to do.

Wait, are manger scenes even
allowed on school property?

Auditions are tomorrow.

(blows whistle)

Mmm, what is it? What is it?


Oh, my gosh!

It's My Pretty Princess

Styling Head!

Aw, Santana, I love it!
Thank you so much.

Oh, I had one of these
when I was ten.

And I was obsessed with her.

I-I gave this lady
smoky eyes every day.

Well, merry Christmas,
Lady Hummel.

Now you can relive all
your Jeffrey Dahmer fantasies

in the privacy of your own home.

But that's not it because
additionally I am giving you

an all-expense-paid trip

to Dildo Island.

It's a real place,
it's in Canada.

I got you the deluxe
bachelor package.

I think this calls for another
glass of my world-famous eggnog.

- Huh?
- Yes.

I'm using Giada's recipe,

but you tell me if it's
too much all-spice.

You know what I will tell you
is that I think

that you've actually
become more of a Grandma Moses

since moving to New York.

I mean, you just had
a traumatic break-up

with Princess Valiant,
and you're single,

you should be living it up.

Oh, like you?

Breezing through here

with a sleigh full
of Christmas decorations

and presents Ô la Auntie Mame?

By the way, all of these
aren't for us, are they?

Oh, no, no, no, I mean,
you got your decapitated head.

And one of these
is for Berry.

A gallon jug of
ProActiv solution

and a booklet of
JetBlue vouchers.

The rest are for me.

After what happened
with Brittany,

I prescribed myself a
little retail therapy.

- Mm-hmm.
- Couldn't be in Lima
right now, you know?

Not with her there,
it's too soon.

But now I have to
book myself a hotel.

In New York City
during the holidays?

Are you crazy? Do you know
how expensive that will be?

Calm down, Joyce DeWitt.

Okay? It's gonna be fine.

Don't you remember that money

that my mom gave me
for graduation?

- Your college fund?
- Mm-hmm.

Please tell me
you didn't spend it all

on post-breakup gifts
for yourself.

No, no, just half.

(door opens)

Oh, my God, Santana!

What are you doing here?

We have our first
holiday house guest.

Feliz Navidad!

I decided that I wanted to do
something a little different

for the holidays this year.

In that case, you're in luck.

Because I just
got Kurt and I

the greatest gig,
and you can get in

on it, too, if you want!

We are gonna be
Christmas elves

in Santa Land at
the Midtown Mall!

I know what you're thinking,

but I've done my research.

And this is where all
of the Broadway luminaries

bring their children,
so we'll have tons of exposure.

It's gonna be great, please
say you're in! Are you in?

Come on, we'll all
do it together.

- Sure, yeah.
- Yeah!



I am gonna be
the best Jewish elf ever.

I'm serious, okay?

What could be greener
than foraging

in the woods
for Christmas decorations?

Our Christmas tree will have,
like, a zero carbon footprint.

Except for cutting down
a perfectly healthy tree

and throwing it away
two weeks later.

Well... (stammers)

I'll go into
the West Lima Forest Preserve

and get pine cones,
deer antlers,

fallen branches
and make them into wreaths,

and you'd be surprised
at how many Hispanic families

throw birthday parties in there.

I'm even gonna collect
all the, uh,

deflated mylar "feliz
cumpleaños" balloons

and then I'm gonna make
tinsel out of it.

- Perfect.
- Yeah.

Hold it right there, sluts!

Hey, Becky.

This is mistletoe.

I'm super horny, so you
better give me some tongue!

- What?
- Whoa!

I mean it, bitch!

I want to lick
those Asian tonsils!

And then once she's
got me all warmed up,

I'm gonna make you French me

because it's Christmas
and I'm loose.

Oh, dear God.

Becky, you can't just make us
French kiss you.

Yes, I can, stripper!

I have special needs,
and one of my special needs

is mouth sex with your face!

No, Becky!
This is not okay.

You get away with murder
at this school

because Sue has made you believe

that the rules
don't apply to you!

It's discrimination!

Ah-ah-ah, no, it's not, honey.


That's poison sumac.

That's not mistletoe.

Get your little butt
to the nurse's office

for a Silkwood shower, stat!

Can I take the LeCar?

Of course you can take
the LeCar.

Oh, Asian Number One.

Stupid Trouty Joe
the Happy Strippin' Hobo.

You're exactly right.
I have been treating

Becky differently than all
the other kids at this school

when I probably should've
just treated her

like everybody else.

You've made your point,
fair is fair.

And I will adjust
my behavior accordingly.

Geez, I just think she needs

to be treated for some
sort of sex addiction.

Yeah, okay, I got it, got it.

I'm here to inform you
that Principal Figgins

has made me
in charge of judging

the 50th Annual Christmas Tree
Decorating Contest.

A longstanding tradition
here at McKinley High

even though
we didn't do it last year.

Or the year before.

Or the year before that.

Anyhoo, I'm just thrilled
to be able

to judge the Glee
Christmas tree

so I can rank it dead last.

Because I'm sure
it's covered

with condoms and dental dams

and suicide hotline

and at-home-sex-change kits.

I know that sounds harsh.

But maybe it's just
the motivation

that poor little
Christmas tree needs

to go out and conquer its dreams

to hop out of that
Christmas tree stand,

fly to New York
and audition for NYADA.

(grunts) Huh?


(singing indistinctly)

KIDS (chanting):
We want Santa! We want Santa!

We want Santa!
We want Santa!


I'm seriously regretting
these tights.

They smell like Williamstown,

and they're giving me
serious mangina.

And I am seriously sensing

some workplace sexism
happening over here.

All these little lady
elves are dressed

like candy-striped hookers.

Do you think they'll let me
keep this when we're done?

Because I am loving
this look on me.

Lord of the Bling.

We want Santa! We want Santa!

Has anyone seen Santa?

These Manhattan kids aren't
gonna wait much longer.

Uh, there he is.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, ho, ho, oh! Calm down.

Calm down, here I am!


No flash photos before I get
on my throne, though, okay?


Ho, ho, ho! Oh!

Lady elves.

Santa, great.

Uh, well, can we get
this line moving for you?

A) Don't ever look directly
at me again, Keebler.


I don't like you

and your Equity card attitude.

So I'm gonna hit the men's room
and craft services,

aka my flask.

Why don't you take care
of keeping these kids busy?

Huh? Maybe you could do
that Rent medley

that you learned at the last
open mic cabaret night, huh?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Okay, this crowd
is about to get fugly.

Do we have a plan?

There is always a plan.

We are gonna work
some NYADA magic.

Santana, grab
a candy cane.

Kurt, hit it.

(Gene Autry's
"Here Comes Santa Claus" begins)

♪ Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪

♪ Right down Santa Claus lane ♪

♪ Vixen and Blitzen
and all his reindeer ♪

♪ Are pulling on the reins ♪

♪ Bells are ringing,
children singing ♪

♪ All is merry and bright ♪

♪ Hang your stockings
and say your prayers ♪

♪ 'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonight ♪

♪ Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪

♪ Right down Santa Claus lane ♪

♪ He's got a bag
that's filled with toys ♪

♪ For the boys and girls again ♪

♪ Hear those sleigh bells
jingle jangle ♪

♪ What a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Jump in bed,
cover up your head ♪

♪ 'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonight, tonight ♪

♪ Santa Claus comes tonight ♪

♪ Happy days, happy times ♪

♪ Listen to the bells
and chimes ♪

♪ As Santa Claus comes
your way today ♪

♪ Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus ♪

♪ Right down Santa Claus lane ♪

♪ He doesn't care
if you're rich or poor ♪

♪ For he loves you
just the same ♪

♪ Santa knows
that we're God's children ♪

♪ And that makes
everything right ♪

♪ Fill your hearts with
the Christmas cheer ♪

♪ 'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight ♪
♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Santa Claus comes tonight ♪

♪ Stand by ♪

(humming melody)


♪ Peace on Earth
will come to all ♪

♪ If we just follow the light ♪

(Kurt hums melody)

♪ Let's give thanks to the Lord above ♪
♪ To the Lord above ♪

♪ 'Cause Santa Claus
comes tonight ♪

♪ Happy days, happy times ♪

♪ Listen to the
bells and chimes ♪

♪ Here comes Santa Claus. ♪

(song ends)

Ah, just goes to show you,
even in New York,

all you need is just
a little magic.

Let's go already!
You guys suck eggs!

Oh, my God!



Us girls were talking and
we figured that since all of us

obviously want to play
the Virgin Mary

in the nativity scene,
we should all audition together.

No, thanks.

Okay. I was just
trying to be nice.

I have a very low tolerance
for nice.

I may seem really cool
and loving for a week or two,

but then my body rejects it
like a virus

and I move back
into my natural state

of cruel, selfish

The fact is,
that between lady-man

and his junk flapping
around on stage,

you probably passing out at
some point during the audition,

and the basic truth
that there is no way

they're going to let
a Chinese girl play Mary.

I think Tina's Korean.

I would get that part hands down
if I wanted it.

But I don't.


(phone buzzing)


Where are you?!

I'm taking
a much-needed break, okay?

It is exhausting
playing a slutty elf.

Get back here!

Santa passed out
in his own vomit

and probably
crapped his pants.

And until the mall can find
a replacement,

we need you to come back
and play Mrs. Claus!

No, no, you play Mrs. Claus,
Lady Hummel.

You were born to play
Mrs. Claus and Mrs. Butterworth

and Bea Arthur
and Barbara Bush.

The mob's getting
restless out there.

Oh, my God,
we are begging you!

Please come here
and help us!


(all cheer)

♪ Rocking around
the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

♪ Mistletoe hung
where you can see ♪

♪ Every couple tries to stop ♪

♪ Rocking around
the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Let the Christmas
spirit ring ♪

♪ Later we'll have
some pumpkin pie ♪

♪ And we'll do some caroling ♪

♪ You will get
a sentimental feeling ♪

♪ When you hear ♪

♪ Voices singing,
"Let's be jolly ♪

♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly" ♪

♪ Rocking around
the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Have a happy holiday ♪

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

♪ In the new
old-fashioned way ♪




♪ You will get
a sentimental feeling ♪

♪ When you hear ♪

♪ Voices singing,
"Let's be jolly ♪

♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly" ♪

♪ Rocking around
the Christmas tree ♪

♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪

♪ Mistletoe hung
where you can see ♪

♪ Every couple tries to stop ♪

♪ Rocking around
the Christmas tree ♪

♪ Have a happy holiday ♪

♪ Happy-happy-hap ♪

♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪

♪ In the new old-fashioned... ♪

♪ Way... ♪

(song ends)

(all cheer)

We want Santa! We want Santa!

Merry Christmas, shoppers!

Well, it turns out
Santa has got a bit

of a drinking problem.

Got into the schnapps
last night,

and he was a little hard
to get out of bed.

But-but... but it is actually
Mrs. Claus

who's been writing the list

of who's been naughty
and who's been nice

and forcing us elves
to work at the sweatshop,

and she has made
a special trip to Santa Land,

and you guys get to tell her
what you want for Christmas!

Who's excited?

Who's excited?!

So here she is,
Mrs. Claus!

(kids cheer)

Merry Christmas!

Who's ready to sit on my lap?


And what would you
like for Christmas?

I want a Doc McStuffins
Time-for-Your-Check-up Doll.

Ooh, so cute.

Well, that sounds
a little molesty.

I mean, I didn't start
playing doctor till I was nine.

I'll see what
I can do.

I think that somebody needs
to freeze the fat for Christmas

because somebody weighs
more than Mrs. Claus.

Whoa, stop right there.

You look a little
Jewish, right?

Rachel, you think?

Okay, bye.

I think...
Did you...?

I think he pooped
in his pants.

I want a Kinder College
Learning Laptop.

Why don't we just
get you an iPad?

You can't even
get porn

on whatever you just
asked me for, okay?


Hey, how's it going?

You look exactly
like a young

Brittany S. Pierce,
doesn't she?

Brittany is my ex-girlfriend,
and she just dumped me,

which is why I'm even here
and why I have this job.

And we're lesbians.

You know, and, like,
I'd never been with...

Okay, great job!

What would you like
for Christmas?

I'd like...

Oh, no, you know what?

I think that you
should ask Santa

to get your daddy a job
with some dental benefits,

because your grill
is freaking jacked up.

Do you see this?

I think that Mrs. Claus
needs a break.

This is going well, right?

You guys, she's coming!

And one, two...

(humming "O Tannenbaum")

What's this ornament made of?

It's a suet cake
for migratory songbirds,

and it's loaded
with wildflower seeds

for the birds to poop out
in their deforested

wintering grounds
in the Amazon River Basin.

- What species?
- BOTH: Douglas fir!

Which is the primary habitat of?

Red tree vole.

And what happened to the vole
you left homeless

when you cut down this tree?

Um, do you mean Richie?

Because he came here
to live with us.

(humming continues)

Well, Glee Club,
I gotta hand it to you.

I thought Becky Jackson
was going to take

first prize this year, but she
didn't really get the concept

of "green decorations."

Here it is, Coach!

See? Everything's green!

Green apples,
green bananas, peas,

an Apple Jacks box,

grass clippings, moldy bread.

I won't be announ...

You're still humming.


I won't be announcing the winner
until tomorrow morning,

but I have to admit,
for once, Glee Club,

you haven't totally screwed
everything up.

Happy holidays.

(humming continues)



Since this year's
living nativity

has a singing element to it,

and since I'm no expert
when it comes to judging

show choir star power...

I am, in fact,
sitting right here.

...I asked Mr. Shue
to help out with our auditions

- for the Virgin Mary.
- Thanks, Coach.

I'm happy to help judge
your potential virgins.

And it looks like
first up we have

- a group audition.
- Yes.

Ladies, whenever
you're ready,

the manger is yours.

♪ Mary's boy child
Jesus Christ ♪

♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪

(Boney M.'s
"Mary's Boy Child" playing)

♪ Long time ago in Bethlehem ♪

♪ So the Holy Bible said ♪

♪ Mary's boy child
Jesus Christ ♪

♪ Was born on Christmas Day ♪

♪ Hark now, hear
the angels sing ♪

♪ A king was born today ♪

♪ And man will live
forevermore ♪

♪ Because of Christmas Day ♪

♪ For a moment
the world was aglow ♪

♪ All the bells rang out, there
were tears of joy and laughter ♪

♪ People shouted,
"Let everyone know ♪

♪ There is hope
for all to find peace" ♪

♪ Hark now, hear
the angels sing ♪

♪ A king was born today ♪

♪ And man will live
forevermore ♪

♪ Because of Christmas Day ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord, you sent
your son to save us ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord,
your very self you gave us ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord, that sin
may not enslave us ♪

♪ And love may reign once more ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord ♪
♪ Oh, praise the Lord ♪

♪ You sent your son
to save us ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord ♪
♪ This day will live forever ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord ♪

♪ So praise the Lord ♪
♪ And full of admiration ♪

♪ They realized what they had ♪

♪ Until the sun falls
from the sky ♪

♪ Oh, my Lord ♪

♪ So praise the Lord ♪
♪ And full of admiration ♪

♪ They realized what they had. ♪
♪ Until the sun falls from the sky. ♪


Oh, yeah!


Ladies, I'm breathless.

And I've got a little
Jamaican in me,

and that
touched home

in a very real way.

Are there any other last-minute
auditions for the Virgin Mary?


No, but I'm afraid
we're gonna get killed.

There's, like, a mob
of angry parents out there.

We're never gonna get hired
as holiday retail temps again.

It's over,
it's all over.

No, it's not.

How you doing?

Cody Tolentino.

But you can just
call me "Sexy Claus."

Heard some
chatter about

there was some
trouble over here?

Us Santas
tend to keep

pretty close ranks.
Okay, listen.

Even I'll admit that
my girl-loving vagina

is feeling a little
jingle bell from you,

but, uh, we don't
need your help.

Okay, well, then...

I'll just go.

But if I were you guys,
I would...

I would leave out the back door.

I mean, these places tend
to turn people into animals

when 'tis
the season.

You mess with somebody's Yule,

and they will trample your ass.

Okay, no, please.
I'm sorry, we-we don't...

we don't want to be
trampled, so...

what do we
need to do?

Yes. Anything. Truly.

Uh, I'm Kurt, by the way.
Newly single.

Well, it's not a one-day fix.

I can calm things down

for today, but if
you truly want

to save Christmas
for this store

and all of you,

it's gonna take
the rest of the week.

I hereby deputize
each of you

as my elves.

Ooh, we're deputized.
Sounds fun.

What are our

Well, let's not get
into that just yet.

I like to get to know
my elves first.

So what do
you guys say?

Maybe dinner?

Your place?

How's 8:00?

Right on.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

Ho ho ho.

And that's why
ancient Egyptians

regarded dung beetles
as sacred.

(chiming over P.A. system)

Attention, McKinley idiots.

Come on.

Here are your morning
announcements that were

obviously too unimportant
to be mentioned until now.

The three runners-up

in the politically-correct

green-themed Christmas Tree

Decorating Contest are...

the Biology Club...

...the 420 Club...

Oh, sick.

...and Beiste
and the football team.


What about me, Coach?

What about me?

Inside voice, Becky.

And the winner

of the tacky plastic angel
made in the Philippines

by a 12-year-old child slave


bah, humbug...
the glee club.

(cheering, screaming)

Don't, Becky.
Becky, don't.

Becky, no.
Don't, don't...


(P.A. goes silent)

Everything's fine.

(school bell rings)



- That's it.
- Yep.

Thanks, Will.




The virgin Marley

gets to play
the Virgin Mary.

Aren't you worried
about typecasting?

What's with the snark?

I asked you to audition,

and you said...
I didn't want it.

You obviously do.

I don't get it.

If this is something
that is important to you,

maybe we can talk

to Mr. Shue...

Don't you get it?

I'm a Christian,
and I know what it means

to have the Virgin Mary's
spirit in your heart.

I don't have it.

And I don't deserve
to be her.

To tell you
the truth,

I'm more like
Mary Magdalene.


Do we really have to take down
all of the ornaments?

Rachel, yes.

I thought it'd be nice
to have a tree-trimming party

to, you know, get us in

the holiday spirit.
We all set in there?

If, by "all set," you mean

did I light the candy-cane
scented candles on the toilet,

then yes, we are all set.

Good, perfect.

Now, here.
Try this.

I added some nutmeg.


I think that
needs some kick.

I mean, come on, Kurt.

Don't all you gays
love Julia Child?

Didn't she, like,
spike everything?

Well, I guess
I could add

- some cooking sherry in here.
- Yes.

(knock at door)

Ho. Ho. Ho.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

God, this is unbelievable.

(Santana giggles)

I mean...

for struggling actors,

geez, you guys got
a great apartment.

Is that vintage?

Uh-huh, yeah.

- I-I love vintage.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.


KURT: Well, you gotta
have vintage.

- Wow!
- Yep.

So, uh...
you got any tricks

- in that bag, Santa?
- Oh...

Well, you know, I do

do all kinds of parties.

Kids, bachelorette...


Well, let's see.

I got balloons

and helium...


All kinds of stuff.

So how did you guys all meet?

We were in, um,
high school glee club together.

Kurt and I first,

and then...
it's just...

it's complicated.

Glee club, huh?

Do you guys take requests?

'Cause I just thought
of something

truly amazing.

(The Chipmunks' "Christmas
Don't Be Late" begins)

All right, you chipmunks.

Ready to sing your song?

(high-pitched voice):
I'll say we are!

(high-pitched voice):
Yeah, let's sing it now!

Okay, Rachel?

(high-pitched voice):

Okay, Santana?


Okay, Kurt?




♪ Christmas,
Christmas time is near ♪

♪ Time for toys ♪

♪ And time for cheer ♪

♪ We've been good
but we can't last ♪

♪ Hurry, Christmas,
hurry fast ♪

♪ Want a plane
that loops the loop ♪

♪ Me, I want a hula hoop ♪

♪ We can hardly stand the wait ♪

♪ Please, Christmas,
don't be late ♪

Okay, fellas,
take it away.

Very good.
My turn.

Very good, Santana.

Now, Kurt, you were
a little flat.

Watch me.



- Kurt!
- Okay!

♪ Want a plane
that loops the loop ♪

♪ I still want a hula hoop ♪

♪ We can hardly stand the wait ♪

♪ Please, Christmas,
don't be late ♪

♪ We can hardly stand the wait ♪

♪ Please, Christmas,
don't be late. ♪

(high-pitched giggling)

- That is good...
- Oh, my gosh...

Tickle me.


This is the best
Christmas present ever.

Besides curing cancer

and peace on Earth,
of course.

Hey, Trouty Mouth.

Tokyo Rose.

Merry Christmas.

Are these teeth?

Not any teeth.
My baby teeth.

To remind you

of the pure, innocent love

of Baby Jesus.

Thanks, Becky.

That's... very
sweet of you.

We were sorry you
didn't, you know,

win the contest.

Tell me about it.

I'm still recovering from
Coach Sue's critique.

Well, I appreciate your literal
interpretation of "green,"

but it looks like

you fished
all this stuff

right out of
the school Dumpster.

It's recycled!

What it is, is lazy.

Okay, okay.

I wanted to go home

and watch Gigolos
on Showtime.

So I did it half-assed.

I feel like you guys.


Anyways, happy holidays.

- I love Christmas.
- Me, too.

- And I love New York.
- Me, too.

You know what?

You should totally
move here.

- No. No way.
- Yeah.

I mean, what about
my scholarship

to the University
of Louisville?

There's no way that
I could just leave

in the middle of
the school year

for no good reason
and come here.

Look, I know that
it's impossible,

but you could, like,
live here with me

and Kurt...


Where's Kurt?

- Yeah, and Studly Claus?
- Kurt. Kurt?


- Oh, my God!
- Oh, hell no.

That is not happening.

Oh, don't worry, ladies.

Santa swings both ways.


What's the matter,


No, I am disgusted

and also impressed.

Who knew the Queen of England
could be so trashy?

Aren't you the one

who's always calling
me Miss Priss?

And telling me that I need
to live it up a bit?

Well, you're right.

I'm in New York,

I'm single,
I'm available,

and your hot buttered
rum concoction

is dangerously
lowering my inhibitions.

So why not throw caution
to the wind?

In that case,
let's drink up.

Let's do it.

Ladies, join us for a toast.

Here's to being naughty
this Christmas.

To being naughty.

(Santana laughs)


Santana, wake up.

Oh, my God.


Oh, my God.

Oh, the last time
I felt like this

was when I was roofied
at Lilith Fair.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, help me up.
- Come here.


Oh, my God,

Oh, my God..
Where's all our nice things?

I don't know,
I don't know.

The last thing I remember
was Lady Hummel

bouncing quarters
off of Santa's abs.

(muffled grunt)

- Kurt.
- Kurt.


Oh, my God!

Take that out
of his mouth.

What happened?

Are you okay?
What is this?

It was rough-trade Santa,
that's what happened!

Oh, God!
We were role-playing,

and he wanted
me to be his Rudolph,

and when I said no, well,
he stopped being so jolly.

Oh, God, he took off
his suspenders

and he tied me up.

And-And, well, he did say
it was sexy kissing me

because it was like
I had no teeth.

That's disgusting.
This is disgusting.

But then he just admitted
that-that he was only here

to rob us blind anyway.

Oh, I think I'm
gonna be sick.


Wait... Did Kitty
really say she wasn't worthy?

You sure she wasn't just
being snarky?

Or body-snatched?

No. In that moment, she was
totally, like, a real person.

If we can get Kitty to take

the role of the Virgin Mary,
get into

those vestments
and stand in the middle

of that nativity scene

holding the Baby Jesus,
maybe she'll realize

she is worthy,

and she'll stop being
so insanely horrible.

Oh, a Christmas present
to us all.

I tried to offer her
the part,

but she wouldn't
take it.

I know how to
make her take it.

Sam, the Christmas angel
is not like the Stanley Cup.

You can't take it home with you.

Oh, this?
Yeah, um...

we decided
to give it away.

Uh, to Becky. Becky's
like a sad little...

Hermey the Elf waddling
aimlessly into a snow drift,

and we thought
that giving her the angel

might light her up
like Rudolph's nose.

Well, that walks
a dangerously fine line

between being really sweet
and horribly condescending.

Don't worry, Artie, we've got
something else for her, too.

(blows whistle)

Remember, guys, you're
tired, you're hungry

but ironically excited.

All right, dress rehearsal.
Places. Let's go.

Wait, Marley, why aren't
you dressed as the Virgin Mary?

We all decided
that the only girl

who could do the part
justice is...

The black one.

UNIQUE (whoops):
Joseph, honey, get me
to the stable. I'm about to pop!

(Diana Ross & the Supremes'
"Love Child" begins)

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ You think that
I don't feel love ♪

♪ But what I feel for you
is real love ♪

♪ In others' eyes
I see reflected ♪

♪ A hurt, scorned,
rejected ♪

♪ Love child ♪

♪ Never meant to be ♪

♪ Love child ♪

♪ Born in poverty ♪

♪ Love child ♪

♪ Never meant to be ♪

♪ Love child ♪

♪ Take a look at me ♪

♪ I started my life ♪

♪ In an old, cold, run-down ♪

♪ Tenement slum ♪
♪ Tenement slum ♪

♪ My father left, he never ♪

♪ Even married Mom, I shared
the guilt my mama knew ♪

♪ So afraid that others knew ♪

♪ I had no name ♪
♪ Ah ♪

♪ This love
we're contemplating ♪

♪ Is worth the pain of waiting,
we'll only ♪

♪ End up hating

♪ The child we may be creating ♪

♪ Love child ♪

♪ Never meant to be ♪

♪ Love child ♪
♪ Scorned by ♪

♪ Society ♪

♪ Love child ♪

♪ Always second best ♪

♪ Love child,
different from the rest ♪

♪ Hold on, hold on,
just a little bit longer ♪
♪ Mmm, baby♪

♪ Hold on, hold on ♪

♪ Just a little bit longer ♪
♪ Mmm, baby ♪

♪ Don't think
that I don't need you ♪

♪ Don't think
I don't want to please you ♪

♪ No child of mine'll
be bearing ♪

♪ The name of shame
I've been wearing ♪

♪ Love child, love child ♪

♪ Never quite as good ♪

♪ Afraid, ashamed ♪

♪ Misunderstood ♪

♪ But I'll always love you ♪
♪ Love child ♪

♪ Hold on ♪
♪ Always love you ♪

♪ Love child ♪
♪ Love child ♪

♪ Wait just a little bit ♪

♪ I'll always, I'll always ♪

♪ I'll always love you, love child ♪
♪ Love child. ♪

- Yes. All right.
- Yes.

- Not bad, not bad, guys.
Uh, just a few notes.
- Wow.

Um, Ryder,
deliver the baby

- a few bars earlier.
- You got it.

Wait. N-No.

That was
the most sacrilegious

and profane horror show
I have ever seen.


Mr. Shue, you cannot let
this abomination happen

to the most beautiful story
ever told.

We have to do this the right way
or not at all.

- I'll play the Virgin Mary.
- WILL: Not so fast.

Um, is that okay
with you, Unique?

Happy holidays.
You get the part.


Oh, Kitty.


Hey, Becky, there you are.

- Uh, didn't you hear the news?
- What are you talking about?

There was a recount
on the tree decorating contest,

and it turns out
you actually won.

But my tree was a bag
of diapers.

It's Ohio, Becky.
It's a swing state.

You know, the votes
can always go either way.

The point is:
the angel's yours.

Merry Christmas.

I love you, plastic angel.

Oh, and there's something else.
There's a, um, part left

in the living nativity
that no one else can play.

Do you think
you can help us out?

Santana, I feel
like such a fool.

I just wanted to get outside
of myself, you know,

let myself be free for once,
and look what happened.

Everything, including
my collection

of Broadway Playbills,
was stolen.

I've never felt so ashamed.

That's why I could
never live here.

Bushwick is worse
than Lima Heights.

You can't tell
anyone about this.

Even though Blaine
and I are broken up,

- you can never tell him. Promise me.
- I promise.

Hey. Okay, so I just
got back from the mall.

Turns out that Cody
ransacked Santa Land as well.

He even took all of the money
from the Salvation Army bucket.

The police said that we were
lucky that we weren't hurt.

- (scoffs) Uh...
- More hurt.

But, needless to say,
our services at the Midtown Mall

are no longer required.

This is gonna follow us.

The fact that we were fired from
our jobs as Christmas elves

is gonna be a black mark
on our acting résumés

- for the rest of our lives.
- Not if we have

something else to make up
for it, which I do.

So, I was getting off
of the subway and I was passing

- Fifth Avenue...
- No, Rachel, another one of your crazy jobs?

We barely survived
the first one.

Trust me, Santana. This job
will not only test our mettle

as performers, but we will be
protected by the safety

of bulletproof glass.

This is obviously myrrh,
not frankincense.

- No, no, no. That's-that's frankincense.
- Um...

(overlapping arguing)
Guys, can we just talk about
how great everybody looks?

Look at you guys. You guys
look phenomenal. Where's Becky?

BECKY: This hay is making me
have a rash.

Becky, you're a genius!

- Genius!
- All you have to do is just kneel right here.

- It's gonna look perfect.
- Yes!

- You look amazing.
- Great job!

How did you think of that?


Virgin in the house,

You look beautiful.


Places, everyone!

("Away in a Manger" begins
with a cappella humming)

♪ Away in a manger ♪

♪ No crib for a bed ♪

♪ The little Lord Jesus ♪

♪ Lay down his sweet head ♪

♪ The stars in the sky ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Looked down where he lay ♪

♪ The little Lord Jesus ♪

♪ Asleep on the hay ♪

♪ The cattle are lowing ♪

♪ The poor baby wakes ♪

♪ But little Lord Jesus ♪

♪ No crying he makes ♪

♪ I love thee, Lord Jesus ♪

♪ Look down from the sky ♪

♪ And stay by my cradle ♪

♪ Till morning is nigh ♪

♪ Be near me, Lord Jesus ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ I ask thee to stay ♪

♪ Close by me forever ♪

♪ And love me, I pray ♪

♪ Bless all the dear children ♪

♪ In thy tender care ♪

♪ And take us to Heaven ♪

♪ To live with thee there. ♪