Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 19 - Old Dog, New Tricks - full transcript

Rachel attempts to salvage her reputation among Broadway gossipers by hiring Santana as her publicist and creating a charity for rescue animals. Meanwhile, Kurt nabs the lead role in a retirement home production of "Peter Pan."

So here's what you missed
on Glee.

Rachel's a hit in Funny Girl
on Broadway,

but she's on thin ice
because she lied to producers

and missed a performance.

Mercedes is finishing her album
with a duet with Santana

and Blaine's getting wooed
by a rich society dame

who's dying to showcase
his talent.

I'm a little jealous,
but I'm not resentful.

And all Kurt's got is NYADA
and the diner

and his precious collection
of neckerchiefs.

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

KURT: Hey, do any of you guys
want to catch a matinee tomorrow?

I have a late shift at the diner
and I know Funny Girl is dark.

SANTANA: Uh, "dark" as in
there are no performances,

or "dark" as in it's
kind of a downer.

RACHEL: Oh, my word. I'm
sorry, I-I would love to go,

but June's got me taken up with
dinners and rehearsals...

Yeah, I know. Count me out.
I'm gonna be at recording studio all day.

I'll take that.

"Blind Item!
Liar, Liar Fanny on Fire!

- Shh.
- "What Broadway starlet

"has been calling in sick

"while secretly pursuing
other job opportunities?

"Unnamed sources say
producers are none too happy

"with the burgeoning diva's

"and wager that this starlet
will burn out faster

"than you can say
'Milwaukee Dinner Theatre

in the Round!'"
I missed one show.

Rachel, you should
actually be glad

that they don't know
you're seriously considering

leaving your show
to do a TV pilot.

This is terrible, okay?

I cannot be branded
a problem child

this early in my career.
I-I might be ambitious,

but I'm not a bad person.

You can't expect total strangers
to know exactly who you are.

I mean, look at Angelina
Jolie... she used to be

that girl with the vial of blood
around her neck

who liked kissing her brother,
and now she's mother earth.

How'd she do it?

Two things...
publicist and a cause.

BLAINE: She can't afford a publicist.
And I've always been my cause.

KURT: Inside voice, honey.

Well, you don't need a publicist

when you've got Snixx
on your side.

If there's one thing
I know about,

it's cultivating an image.
In high school,

I was a huge bitch,
but also most popular.

I was voted
Best Shoulder to Cry On

and Most Likely to Poison Someone.
Excuse me.

Excuse me, miss,

I know that you have
a dog in your purse.

It's a... service animal.

I would seriously think that
zipping a Seeing Eye dog

in your bag would hinder it
from doing its job.

You know, there are so many dogs
out there that need good homes,

and you're just treating it
like some fashion accessory?

You should be ashamed
of yourself!

Screw you... PETA.

God, people are
just unbelievable.

I think I just found my cause.

♪ ♪

Can I get you a menu?

I was wondering if your boss

would mind putting up a poster.

Uh, tell him

if he decides not to, that I'm
gonna accuse him of elder abuse.

Uh, "The Lexington Home
for Retired Performers

presents Peter Pan."

Yeah, we thought
we'd take a shot at it.

Well, in case
NBC casts Clay Aiken

and it's ruined for good.

You know, I won't even ask him;
I'll put it up in the window.

Hey, Pillsbury,
why the long face?

You look like

the saddest dough boy
in the world.

Oh, I wouldn't want to bother
you with any of my problems.

I usually just file it all away,
and then wait for an episode

of Long Island Medium
to let it all out.

Are you sure?

It's like everyone

in my life has moved on
to something except for me.

When did I become the mother
in a Nancy Meyers movie?

I mean, all they need me for
is to remind them how talented

and beautiful they are...
it's like they don't care.

I care.
I can't tell you how nice it is

to talk to someone
without them texting

in the middle
of the conversation.

Oh, I know exactly how you feel.

Most of my friends can't hear.

Mm. I'm Kurt, by the way.

Maggie Banks.

Wait a second.

D-Did I just have
a therapy session

with-with the Maggie Banks,

the-the Broadway legend?

You were in one of the biggest
Broadway flops in history.

Well, in my defense,
Helen Keller the Musical

was the talk of the town.

"She can't hear

or see, but she has
a voice of gold."

Now, that was a tagline.

Looks like my ride is here.

How did you boys

find me so fast?
Actually, you dropped

a couple of posters, Maggie...
we're just following the trail.

Yeah, 18 blocks...
it's a new record.

Well, someone has to advertise.

It was nice

to talk to you, Pillsbury.

You, too.

And if you don't have
any plans...

and it would seem
that you don't...

come and visit us in rehearsal.

I would love to, Maggie. Thanks.

See ya.
Okay, guys.

Can I drive today?

RACHEL: So they really just
stay in these cages all day?

MAN: Oh, no, we give
them five walks a day.

We take them to a dog run
for two hours of exercise

every other day...
we really do our best,

given the limited
funding that we have.

You got to remember, these are rescue
dogs, you know? Most of these dogs have

been living on the streets, or
they were abandoned, abused...

MERCEDES: So... you know,

what happens
to them eventually?

Well, it depends on how old they
are, really. We try to get as many

of them adopted as we can, but
when we can't, not much choice.

You know, it's...
it's the worst part of my job.

RACHEL: Well, that's why
we're here, actually.

We want to arrange
a very public

a-and great event
for a cause that

we are so passionate
about: animals.

Yeah, you said something about Broadway?
Yes. I am starring currently

in the acclaimed
Broadway revival of Funny Girl.

I don't know if you've seen it. I
don't really get into the city much.

I'm not a Broadway guy. But I liked Cats.
(laughs) Okay,

well, it doesn't really matter,
you know... we just want

to spearhead a benefit,

guided towards the Broadway
community... aka me...

I got it, I got it.

Okay, well, you know,

we'll take care
of everything, um...

- Okay. That's great.
- Really?

Yeah, I'm in for sure.

- Yeah?
- I'm in. Yeah.

I'll get the information
together; let's do it.

Okay. Amazing. Thank you.
(man laughs)

We love you.

We should get one.

Look at you. Ooh.
Oh, no. Sam, I love animals,

but I've got my hands
full taking care of you.

You're more than enough.

(dogs barking)

(excited barking)

(shouting): It happens sometimes.
Uh, it's no big deal.

When they get like this,

I pipe music in
through the P.A. system,

but it's all busted now, so...

Today's your lucky day... I just
read John Mayer's bio, and he

said you always have to have
your guitar 80% of the time.

(excited barking continues) (Modern
English's "I Melt With You" begins)

♪ Moving forward,
using all my breath ♪

♪ Making love to you
was never second best ♪

♪ And I saw the world ♪

♪ Crashing
all around your face ♪

♪ Never really knowing
it was always ♪

♪ Mesh and lace ♪

♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you ♪

♪ You've seen the difference ♪

♪ And it's getting better
all the time ♪

♪ There's nothing
you and I won't do ♪

♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you ♪

♪ You should know better ♪

♪ Dream of better lives ♪

♪ The kind which never hate ♪

♪ You should see why ♪

♪ Dropped in the state of ♪

♪ Imaginary grace ♪

♪ You should know better ♪

♪ I made a pilgrimage ♪

♪ To save this humans race ♪

♪ You should see why ♪

♪ Never comprehending the race ♪

♪ Has long gone by ♪

♪ Let's stop the world ♪

♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you ♪

♪ Let's stop the world ♪

♪ I've seen some changes ♪

♪ But it's getting better
all the time ♪

♪ Let's stop the world ♪

♪ There's nothing
you and I won't do ♪

♪ Let's stop the world ♪

♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The future's ♪

♪ Open wide ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Let's stop the world ♪

♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you ♪

♪ Let's stop the world ♪

♪ I'll stop the world
and melt with you. ♪

(song ends)

SANTANA: I've got it.
I have got the perfect plan

for how to get this thing
off the ground.

Later today,
you are going to take

a couple of dogs
for a walk around the block,

where paparazzi will be
conveniently waiting.

You're gonna get snapped,
give a quote,

bam, Broadway Bitches
is off and running.

And I also snagged you

this designer number
by a designer that is so fancy,

I can't even pronounce his name.
There's hardly any vowels in it.

And if you wear it and
get photographed in it,

you get to keep it for free. But how
do we know that they'll be there?

I made a couple of calls

and I tweeted from your account,

and I used hashtag living,

so everyone sees it.
Oh, perfect.

RACHEL: Oh, my God, Kurt!
I have the best news

that I've been wanting
to tell you about.

Is Liza off her meds, running
around Central Park again?

I'm starting
a dog-rescue charity!

And Santana and Mercedes and I
are doing a performance.

It's gonna be great.

Oh, could I perform, too?

I-I've been itching to do
something outside of school.

One Three Hill's
been on a hiatus

ever since Elliot went
to his yoga retreat

and Dani's Roller Derby team
became state champions.

I-I... I think we're
just gonna keep it us girls.

We don't want the event
to be, like...

Amateur open mic night?

No, no, no, Kurt.

This is not personal, okay?

This is about Rachel
and her image.

And you are so good

that you would just be
pulling focus from her.

No, I-I get it.
I get that I haven't exactly

made a name for myself like
the rest of you have, but...

gosh, you'd just think
after everything,

someone would
throw me a bone for once.

Kurt, wait.

(man coughing in distance)

MAGGIE (in distance):
All right, boys, I don't want...

(continues indistinctly)

I'll leave the window unlocked.

That strange boy may come
looking for his shadow.

Oh, Pillsbury, you made it!

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Sit down.

Take in the magic!

MAN: Debbie, it's your...
it's your cue.

Debbie! Rule number one:
hearing aids on

during rehearsal!


Peter's dead, folks.

MAGGIE: Of all times
she chooses to die,

less than a week away
from opening night.

Oh, she was always so selfish.

We have to cancel.

Debbie was the only one
with hips strong enough

f-for the harness.

Take a walk down
the halls here.

Room after room of beds

filled with people who won't
get out of them anymore.

Not because they can't

but because they can't find
any reason to.

This show,

uh, getting up in front

of an audience...
this was my reason.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Wh-Wh... uh, when is
opening night?

Uh, Monday
at 4:00 p.m.

that's also closing night.

I-I could fill in,
unless there's a rule

about residents only
being in the show.

First of all,
we only have two rules.

One, remember your teeth.

And your teeth.

And... don't mix up

your night pills

with your day pills.
It's simple.

I thought I was a pterodactyl.

Are you sure, Pillsbury?

Peter Pan is a very vocally

demanding role for a woman.

Can you handle it?
Oh, yeah.

I-I'm a countertenor,

and I practically have the score

I was obsessed with my tape

of Mary Martin's version
when I was a kid.

She was my childhood hero.

Which explains a lot
now that I think about it.

We have a piano.

Uh, could you audition
with any music or anything?

You know, we just
can't hand you a part.

We have standards. Right?

I-I do. I always carry

sheet music with me
just in case.

Oh. Oh.

(Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Memory"

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ Not a sound
from the pavement ♪

♪ Has the moon
lost her memory? ♪

♪ She is smiling alone ♪

♪ In the lamplight ♪

♪ The withered leaves collect
at my feet ♪

♪ And the wind ♪

♪ Begins to moan ♪

♪ Daylight ♪

♪ I must wait for the sunrise ♪

♪ I must think of a new life ♪

♪ And I mustn't give in ♪

♪ When the dawn comes ♪

♪ Tonight will be
a memory, too ♪

♪ And a new day ♪

♪ Will begin ♪

♪ Burnt-out ends ♪

♪ Of smoky days ♪

♪ The stale cold
smell of morning ♪

♪ A streetlamp dies ♪

♪ Another night is over ♪

♪ Another day is dawning ♪

♪ Touch me ♪

♪ It's so easy to leave me ♪

♪ All alone with the memory ♪

♪ Of my days in the sun ♪

IE ♪ Days in the sun ♪

♪ If you touch me ♪

BOTH: ♪ You'll understand
what happiness is ♪

♪ Look, a new day ♪

♪ Has begun... ♪

♪ Has begun... ♪

That's our Peter!

(Kurt and Maggie chuckle)


SAM: Aw... ARTIE: This is
an unusually violent game.

Hey, McConaughey. Hey.

(a la Matthew McConaughey):
All right, all right, all right.

Grr. (sputters) (growls, barks)

(growls) We're working
on his impressions.

It's like watching

Goofy teach tricks to Pluto.

(chuckles) Mercedes is gonna
freak when she gets home.

Hush. She's gonna fall
in love with him,

just like I did. You have to
help me sell it to her so she,

like, thinks he's really awesome
when she gets here, okay?

Don't worry. I got your back.

Sam? Did you
go back

and adopt that dog?

Uh... uh, hey.
I tried to stop him.

Uh, baby, yeah.

Sorry I didn't, uh, talk
to you about it first.

It's just that when I saw

McConaughey in his cage,
something inside me just clicked

and I knew that we were meant
for each other.

I blame Sarah McLachlan.

I don't mean to be patronizing,

but we have a kitchen full
of dead Chia Pets

that you can't take care of.

This is a living,
breathing creature.

So is Artie,
and I take care of him.

Hold up. Did you just...

Look, hey, look, I know

I can take care of him, okay?
I just...

Give me a chance.
Look, look, look.

(a la Matthew McConaughey):
Oh, McConaughey loves you.

He lo... (baby talk):
Oh, oh, look at the face.

- The pooch. He d... The face.
- Okay. Fine.

If it's that important to you,
we will try it.

Okay. She's gone. Let's go.

- Did you pay the gas bill?
- Yeah.

Uh, no.
Uh, I've...

Artie was just
into this video game.

Did you take out the recycling?

Um, Artie was gonna do it
on his way out.

Am I still here? Am I invisible?

Hold up.

Is that my faux-huahua?



Oh, I did that.

Okay, you better
clean this mess up.

Okay, just because
McConaughey is cute,

it doesn't mean...

Oh, no.

Oh, I know

that that dog
is not eating my hair.

I know

that you did not let that dog
near my bedroom or my wardrobe

or my makeup!

(Mercedes gasps)

I got to go. Um...

Can one of you guys
bring me Don't.

Down the stairs? Don't you even speak.
Don't you even look

I got you. like you're
about to speak to me.

You just pack up that dog
and you take him back

where you got him
or, so help me,

I will go full-on Carcosa
on you.




Oh, my God, is
that Rachel Berry,

star of Broadway's
smash-hit musical

Funny Girl? ARTIE: I love her!

I saw Funny Girl

five times!
She is just so likeable!

Oh! (chuckles)

Ms. Berry,
what on earth are you doing

walking all these
beautiful dogs?

Well, someone has to.

Did you know
that New York City shelters

are the most overpopulated
in the state?

What? No, I didn't know that.
That's such a shame.

That's why I'm starting
my own dog rescue charity,

Broadway Bitches.


Okay. Wait,
just stay right there.

At the, uh, Spotlight Diner.

(Rachel chuckling)

(dogs barking)


Oh, my God. Stay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Ah!


Oh, my God.

At least you're wearing underwear.
I got dragged four blocks

and now I have to
pay for this dress

and that man got
bit by a shih tzu.

Seriously, is this a good idea?

Because I feel like
I look worse now.

No. Yes, this is
a good idea, okay?

Um, everybody's talking
about your activism.

And, in fact, out of the 500
Broadway Bitches Evites

that I sent out this morning,
over half are confirmed.

to do a piece on it.

So just stick to the plan

and don't go soft on me.

Guys, I got good news.
I landed a role.

"The Lexington Home

for Retired Performers
presents Peter Pan"?

And I'm Peter!

They needed an
emergency replacement

because the woman

playing him dropped... out.

Possibly be serious.

I am, actually,
and I'm very excited about it.

Opening night is Monday,
and I'd love to have you.

No, sorry, can't make it.

As much as I would love
to watch Homocchio

and the Geriatric Puppets
put on a depressing

sub-community theatre show,
Rachel's event is that night.

Well, that shouldn't be
a problem

because the show starts at 4:00.

I'm sorry, Kurt. Santana has
me doing all these photo ops

and interviews, and my
reputation is at stake here.

Seriously, you know,
I could lose jobs

if I don't clean this up.

I bend over backwards for you
every time you need something.

Well, I need you now
so please support me in this.

I am doing something good
for the animals.

No, you're doing it
for yourself.

You treat me exactly like
the world treats those dogs...

you just cast me aside.

Well, I'm done being a friend

only when it's convenient
for you.

SAM: Mercedes doesn't want me
to get rid of the dog, okay?

She just wants him
to stop tearing everything up.

ARTIE: You seriously think
you can train that dog?

I had to teach you
how to use Velcro.

Okay, yeah, well, Velcro's hard.
It's like black magic.

But, look, I can do this, okay?
Doggies crave discipline.

We'll just run him through
the Doggy Gauntlet of Doom...

it's a working title,
don't judge me...

and then once Mercedes gets home
tonight, he'll be groomed,

trained and ready
to melt her heart

with those big, beautiful puppy
dog eyes that he gets from me.

- Let's do it.
- All right, good.

(Warren Zevon's
"Werewolves of London" begins)

♪ I saw a werewolf with
a Chinese menu in his hand ♪

♪ Walking through the streets
of Soho ♪

♪ In the rain ♪

♪ He was looking for a place
called Lee Ho Fook's ♪

♪ Going to get a big dish
of beef chow mein ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Werewolves of London ♪

♪ Ah-ooh... ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Werewolves of London ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ If you hear him howling
around your kitchen door ♪

♪ You better not let him in ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Little old lady
got mutilated late last night ♪

♪ Werewolves of London again ♪

♪ Ah-ooh, werewolves of London ♪

♪ Ah-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Werewolves of London ♪

♪ Ah-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Well, I saw Lon Chaney
walking with the Queen ♪

♪ Doing the werewolves
of London ♪


♪ I saw Lon Chaney Jr.
Walking with the Queen ♪

♪ Doing the werewolves
of London ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I saw a werewolf ♪

Drinking a piña colada
at Trader Vic's.

Huh, his hair was perfect.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, uh, uh ♪ (whoops)

♪ Werewolves of London ♪

♪ Draw blood ♪

♪ Ah, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Werewolves of London. ♪

Boys, I've returned
to Neverland!

GUS: Maggie, you're supposed
to be on the ground.

Peter, we killed a giant bird
while you were gone.

If I get down,
I'm not getting back up.

Oh, we look ridiculous!

What were we thinking when

we chose to do Peter Pan?

Well, we wanted
to show our families

that we were still
energetic and young.

Right, Freddie?


But you guys are still
energetic and young.

You know, if you want to seem
young, you got to feel young.

I don't know about all of that.

I was thinking
of changing up the music.

You know, maybe updating it
a little bit.

I still think that we should do

The Importance
of Being Earnest.

Ever since you were a question
on Jeopardy!,

you have been
such a know-it-all.

Maggie, flowers came for you.


Oh, they're from
my daughter, Clara!

She's a defense
attorney. "Mom,

"sorry I have
to miss opening night.

I have to be in Reno
for a deposition."


She is so thoughtful.

She spoils me.

Oh, that's too bad.

I know how important
Clara is to her.

She talks about her constantly.

All about their lunches, and
their late night phone calls,

and their double dates.

Except none of it's real.

Those flowers aren't
from her daughter.

Maggie sends herself flowers

once a week
to keep up appearances.

Clara hasn't been here in years.

(door closes,
Sam muttering gibberish)

You are shredding my last nerve.

Before you say anything else,
you should know

that Artie and I tamed the beast
that is McConaughey.

He's not barking,

he's been off his leash
for the last few hours,

but didn't poop anywhere
he wasn't supposed to,

and he didn't eat any
of your weird, strange,

Indian hair.

All of that is great,

Sam, but we talked about this,

and we both agreed,
we can't take care of a dog.

Really? Because
it looks like

I'm doing a pretty good
job of it right now.

For the moment.

But what's gonna happen when
you have, like, a 20-hour shoot,

and you can't walk McConaughey,
or-or put out his food?

I don't know. I thought
maybe you could help.

Well, I would, and I could, but
what happens when I go on tour?

Uh, we could get a dog-sitter.
I don't know.

Who's gonna call the sitter?

Who's gonna make sure
that they have a key to get in?

Who's gonna pay them?

I am, and you know what else
I've been thinking about?

You going on tour, and me
being in this brownstone,

all alone
and wanting some company.


You know, last time I checked,

New York's a pretty lonely town.

Is that what
this is really about?


Partly, yes.

But if we're being honest,

I think it's also about

when I suggested
we take McConaughey home,

you couldn't even imagine me
being able to take care of him,

okay, and that's just...
that's just crap, okay.

It's like you're looking at me
like I'm a boy and not a man.

- Sam...
- Look, I took care of

my whole family
when they had nothing, okay.

When they were as poor
and as homeless as McConaughey.

I made sure they ate,

I made sure
they had a roof over their head,

I made sure my little brother

and sister got
to school on time.

Me, Sam, the slacker.

- Oh, Sam, I... I know.
- But, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know... I know
that I forget about

appointments sometimes,

and I leave my clothes
around the apartment,

and I get distracted
playing video games,

but that doesn't mean
I'm a joke.

I never called you a joke.

Mercedes, look, I...
I want to marry you eventually,

when we're ready, and I
want to have a family

with a house and a yard
and kids and stuff,

but that's only gonna happen

if you start taking me
seriously, and that starts with

me proving to you that I can
take care of McConaughey.

You-you did, and, uh, I'm giving
you your props for that.

Okay, great.
But I...

I still don't think
that you should keep him.

Why not?


Because it's not good for him,

Sam. Like I said, I'm about

to go on tour, and you...

your schedule's crazy,
and it's just gonna get worse.

So, what's the point
of having a dog, even one

as cute as McConaughey,
if you can't

take care of him,
and you can't enjoy him?


You heard
what they do to the pets

that you bring back
to the shelters, right?

Well, then, you're gonna have
to find a home for him.

And I promise you, some day,

we're gonna have
everything that you want.

Okay, and that includes a dog.

But we're still figuring
things out between you and me,

like who we are together
and where we're gonna be.

I just don't think

that we should drag McConaughey
into that, do you?

Liz, send in my 10:00.

Hi. Um, I'm Kurt Hummel.

Um, I-I didn't
actually cause

a major chemical spill
in National Park.

Uh, your receptionist said
that you were really busy,

and that was the only way that I
could make an appointment, so...

Oh. Uh...

Liz, call security.

They should only need one guy.

No. It's-it's about your mother.

I'm-I'm friends with her.

Wait. Is this some kind of
Martha Raye-Mark Harris thing?

'Cause she doesn't
have any money.

No, no. We're performing
together at the home.

Uh, Peter Pan.

Uh, she's Wendy, I'm Peter.

Okay. Weird, but whatever.

Well, I hate to break it to you,
but the minute the show's over,

she's gonna lose your number.

(laughs) I...

I don't know what happened
between you two, but, uh,

I can't imagine a sweet old lady
like that hurting anyone.


she wasn't always
a sweet old lady.

She was young and ambitious and

so hungry to get back
in the game,

she tended
to forget little things,

like her daughter at school
and birthdays.

And I bet
that was very painful,

but your mother is 86 years old.

I mean, don't you want
to forgive before it's too late?

Oh, I've forgiven.

Wasn't her fault.

She never should have become
a mother in the first place.

Did you know that she sends
herself flowers from you,

and that she talks about you

I know all about the scar
on your elbow from the time

that you climbed on the counter
trying to get the box

of Frosted Flakes, nd your
fear of balloons, and that

you aced the SAT.


Did she also tell you

that she missed
my high school graduation?

She had a dream,
and she got lost in it.

But she is clearly
full of regret.

My mom died when I was eight,

and I spent my entire life
pretending that I had one.

Whatever she did to you,
yours is still here.

Don't you see that by coming
to see her perform

for taking her away from you
that you could heal all of this?


Well, your mother
couldn't take care of you

when you were little, but
you could take care of her now.


(horn honks,
dogs barking and whining)

RACHEL: Oh, this is better than
I could have ever imagined!

I mean, a dozen dogs
have already been adopted,

and we just started! Hi.

is going to be
here later today,

and I've picked out
the perfect pooch

for you to pose with.

He's a three-legged dog!

Oh. Come here.

Who doesn't love a lady
holding a three-legged dog?

You know, it's like
a ticket to Heaven.

Oh, Santana,
you're really good at this.

Have you ever thought about
doing this professionally?

Sure enough,
every time I watch Scandal.

Okay, come on, Sam.

We have to turn McConaughey
into the doggie rescue.

No way, Jose.

Guys, I think we have an issue.

RACHEL: I'm going to
have to take the dog.

You're telling me
I can't take this dog?

Just, I need to take the dog.

No, I can't believe that!
No, no, no, no, no.

'cause I have to take

a photo with that dog
later, so...

But this is the dog
my son wants to adopt.

Isn't that the whole point
of this event?

Um, well, maybe you could just
wait a couple of hours?

I have to catch a train back
to Long Island in 20 minutes.

Okay, I'm so sorry, lady,

but hand over the tripod,
and nobody'll get hurt.

I'm sorry...
I can't...

I get it.

I know who you are.
I read the Broadway blogs.

You can't redeem a lie
with more lies.

You may get away
with this farce this time,

but you're a fraud, and
it's gonna come out soon enough.

You don't care
about these dogs.

I doubt you care much
about anyone but yourself.

Come on, honey, let's go home.

Don't listen to her.

Look at...

Look at her shoes.


(dogs barking)

Thanks. I just don't want
the harness to show.

I mean,
the show's tacky enough.

Well, I am missing
dinner with June

and Diane von Furstenberg
at Annie Leibovitz's house,

(chuckles) but... there's no
other place I'd rather be.

Drop all the names you want,

my old ladies are much
cooler than yours.

It's really nice
to see you so happy.

I never thought
that a retirement home

can make someone smile so much.

You know, for the first time
since I moved here, I...

I feel like I'm doing
something with purpose.

Besides school, of course.

Should I save some seats?

No, no, I'll see you after.

Love you.
Me, too.

Oh, uh, don't sit
in the first row.

I don't trust the harness.
And Gladys has been having

a hard time keeping
solid foods down, so...


Break a leg.


You know, Maggie,
I was thinking,

since your daughter and my
friends are always so busy,

why don't we become
each other's family?

I mean, you'd be
doing me a favor.

I-I could use
someone to talk to.

(laughs): Well, as long as
I'd be doing you a favor,

I'd love to.

(both laugh)

(both laugh)

(low, indistinct chatter)

(big sigh)

♪ ♪

(line ringing)

RACHEL: Hello? Hey, it's me.

Um, my show is about to start,
and I just wanted

to wish you good luck
at the benefit.

I know things have been really
tense between us this week,

um, but I would
never want you to think

that I'm not proud
or supportive of you.

Um, I'm-I'm very glad
you're doing what you're doing,

because... my life
would certainly be dull

without friends like you
to inspire me every day.

That is very sweet of you,
but I have to go,

because, um, my best friend's
show is about to start.


(Madonna's "Lucky Star" begins)

♪ You must be my lucky star ♪

♪ 'Cause you shine on me ♪

♪ Wherever you are

♪ I just think of you ♪

♪ And I start to glow ♪

♪ And I need your light ♪

♪ And, baby, you know ♪

♪ Starlight, star bright ♪

♪ First star I see tonight ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright ♪

♪ Make everything all right ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright,
first star I see tonight ♪

♪ Starlight ♪
♪ Star bright ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ You must be ♪

♪ My lucky star ♪

♪ 'Cause you make the darkness ♪

♪ Seem so far ♪

♪ And when I'm lost ♪

♪ You'll be my guide ♪

♪ I just turn around,
and you're by my side ♪

♪ Starlight, star bright ♪

♪ First star I see tonight ♪

♪ Starlight, star bright ♪

♪ Make everything all right ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright ♪

♪ First star I see tonight ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright ♪

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Shine your heavenly body ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause I know you're gonna ♪

♪ Make everything all right ♪

♪ You may be ♪
♪ You may be ♪

♪ My lucky star ♪
♪ My lucky star ♪

♪ But I'm the luckiest by far ♪

♪ What you do to me, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪
♪ You know ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ I'm the luckiest by far ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright ♪

♪ What you do to me, baby ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ I'm the luckiest by far ♪

♪ Starlight ♪

♪ Star bright. ♪




Seeing you in the audience
makes this

the best performance of my life.

A friend of yours told me
it was one I couldn't miss.

I'm so glad he did.

I have so many things to say.

So many "I'm sorrys."

And I so want to know
about your life.

Oh, my gosh you were amazing!

I couldn't stop smiling
watching you perform

with all these sweet old folks.

It's like, this is gonna be us
in the future when we're older,

and be so cute.
It is,

and we'll be very cute.
Oh, dude, hold up.

Well, hello. This harness cannot
be good for the sack puppies.

Oh, years of skinny jeans

have prepared me
for this performance.

Well, you look great.
The costume and the key.

Yeah, I just wish
more people could see

Maggie and the gang perform.

I mean, they're the real stars.

Hey, there's a bus outside.

There's a... Freddie, wake up!

(snoring) Wake up!

Freddie, there's a bus outside,
and it's got a lift.

Oh, a lift?
A lift.

Yeah, okay.
Oh, boy.

Why is there a bus outside?

Artie was able to get
the film school

to loan it to us for the day.

This is your opening night gift.

(speaking loud and slowly):
Hey, everybody!

I'm Sam,

and there's a bus outside.

Old people usually freak me out,
but in this case,

you guys are pretty cool.

Anyway, Rachel has asked us

on behalf
of the adoption charity

Broadway Bitches,
to personally invite all of you

to be our guest performers

at an event we're holding
this evening.


Well, what do you say, Maggie?

Do you think you have
a second act in you?

I never used to believe
in second acts,

but you've proven me wrong.

KURT (chuckles):

(clears throat)
To the bus, everybody!

Hello, everyone.
Thank you so much for coming

and supporting Broadway Bitches.

You know, as New Yorkers,

we get so wrapped
up in our careers

and making it that we forget
the importance

of really creating a legacy
that we can be proud of.

Um, and what better way
and what's more rewarding

than giving back
to man's best friend

and to all of our friends,

So please join me
in giving a warm welcome

to some very special friends who
are here today to help us out.

From the Lexington Home
of Retired Performers,

give it up and enjoy the song.

If he's not going home with us,

we need to find the perfect
home for McConaughey.

If you don't, Sam, I mean,

we'll just,
we'll figure something out,

but we're not gonna take him
back to the shelter.

(Eddie Money's
"Take Me Home Tonight" begins)

♪ Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go ♪

♪ Till you see the light ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ Listen, honey,
just like Ronnie sang ♪

♪ Be my little baby ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I get frightened ♪

♪ In all this darkness ♪

♪ I get nightmares ♪

♪ I hate to sleep alone ♪

♪ I need some company ♪

♪ A guardian angel ♪

♪ To keep me warm
when the cold winds blow ♪

♪ I can feel you breathe ♪

♪ I can feel
your heart beat faster ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go ♪

♪ Till you see the light ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ Listen, honey,
just like Ronnie sang ♪

♪ Be my little baby ♪

♪ Be my little baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Just like Ronnie sang ♪

♪ I said,
just like Ronnie sang ♪

♪ Be my little baby ♪

♪ Baby, my darling ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa ♪

♪ I feel the hunger ♪

♪ I feel the hunger ♪

♪ Don't go ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go
till you see the light♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ Listen, honey,
just like Ronnie sang ♪

♪ Be my little baby ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ I don't want to let you go ♪

♪ Till you see the light ♪

♪ Take me home tonight ♪

♪ Listen, honey, take me ♪

♪ Take me home ♪

♪ Tonight. ♪



(applause continues)

This was inspired,
to say the least.

New Broadway mixing with old,

plus this amazing cause.

Where did you get
the inspiration

to put on an event like this?

Well, it's funny that you ask,

because, um, I actually have
an amazing publicist.

Well, thank you.

Hi, uh, Santana Lopez,
public relations.

My motto is "If I can make
Berry work, I can do anything."


And it was actually
my really amazing friend, Kurt,

all these incredible retired
Broadway performers.

Oh, well, we are uploading
the video

that my cameraman shot
on our site immediately,

and I am betting that we are
going to get a lot of hits.

Thank you for all your support,

but Rachel isn't giving herself
enough credit.

I mean, this is
a true collaboration,

- and we're just happy to
be giving back. - Yay!