Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Back-Up Plan - full transcript

Reaching for the stars, when Rachel lands an audition to act in a TV show, Funny Girl takes a back seat, but it's not without some serious consequences; Meanwhile Kurt and Blaine perform for a celebrity with an eye for talent.

Three weeks since opening,
and I'm the toast of the town.

Signatures at the stage door,

across-the-board raves,
and I don't want to jinx it,

but there's even rumors
of a Tony nomination.

(Rachel gasps)

Look! That homeless guy
is sleeping on my face!

New York really is
where dreams come true.

And now he'll wake up to find

one of his dreams
came true, too.

And this is just the beginning.

That's what my team told me
when I signed

with a top-five
talent agency, ICA.

(phone ringing)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There must be a mistake.

This is Fanny Brice.
I'm supposed

to be meeting Rachel Berry.

Hi, Mr. Rivkin.


we at Innovative Creative
Artists are so excited

(gasps) to go to work for you.

We want to be
in the Rachel Berry business.

And I'm not just talking
about me.

I'm talking
about your whole team.

You got Mark and Matt
and Sheila and Joe.

Although they're not
to be trusted, okay?

I just...
I'm your point person.

- I just want you to deal with me, okay?
- Oh. Okay.

Okay, okay,
great. So,

let's talk about your future!

- Yeah.
- What does Rachel Berry want? Because...

she can have it.

Well, um, I guess
I want to have

a good run with the show,

I-I don't know, maybe parlay
this into a movie career,

or get onto a big hit

- TV show, so...
- Uh-huh, great, great, great. Rachel,

those are not for you.


Have you ever heard the term,
"a face for radio"?

Rachel, you're a rare breed.

I mean, you got talent
coming out of your ears.

But you got to remember
something... this is TV, okay?

TV, the cameras,

they're this close, okay?
They see everything.

- Yeah.
- And movies, the same thing.

It's this close,

except this time...

your face is
on a gigantic screen,

so that, for example... and this
is just a for-instance...

your nose is gonna be
40 feet tall.

You got to ask yourself...
is this gonna work?

And I think the answer is...

no... it won't.

Here's what I see for you.

If we play our cards right,

you could make a killing.

You could be doing Fanny Brice

for five, ten,
I don't know, 15 years.

Look at Topol. I mean,
he's been doing Tevye

for what, I don't know,
what, forever?

Okay? And we're all
in agreement on this...

Matt and Mike and
Sheila and Joe. Rachel,

for you... the sky is the limit.

But I don't want you
talking to them, okay?

I just want you
to deal with me, all right?


♪ ♪

Did you hear? The whole
campus is abuzz.

It's drama school...
the students get abuzz

when the snack machine
runs out of gummi worms.

June Dolloway is coming!

They're renaming the
dance studio after her,

and a select group of students
have been asked to perform

at the ribbon cutting.

I'm... sorry,
I'm not familiar

with all of the old
Broadway stars

we're supposed to
worship. Who is that?

June Dolloway!
She's not an actress.

She's just, like, the coolest
socialite in the world.

She's the widow of Lester
Dolloway, the mineral baron.

Her picture's been taken
by Helmut Newton.

And she took peyote
with Joe Kennedy... allegedly.

- Impressive.
- Yeah,

and she's pretty much the patron

behind every artistic endeavor
in Manhattan.

Well, we got to make sure you're picked
as one of the performers. I already was!

My God, Kurt, that's amazing.
I'm so happy for you.

Yeah, I really want to do "Story
of My Life" from One Direction.

That's a good song, but that's
sung by five different people.

How are you gonna sing all those
layers as just one person?

Well, you'll be singing with me.

Come on, we're a team.

We're getting married.

If something exciting
happens to one of us,

it happens
to the other one, too.

Oh, I love you.
Thank you.

Let's go rehearse.

SANTANA: What are you
doing home so early?

I thought that you'd be in
the recording studio all day.

Yeah, well, my producer
just listened to the final cut

of my album, and in his words:
"Didn't hear a single."

Now he's worried

that the label won't give it
a release date.

Wait. What?

And you're just gonna
listen to these morons?

You know, if I don't get backed
by the label, that means that

I won't get any promotion, which
means I don't get any airplay,

which means I'm just
another no-hit wonder.

(sighs): Well, you would,
uh, still be doing

a hell of a lot better than me.

I would kill to
be you right now,

thinking about creating

the perfect single to
save my record deal.

You know, maybe you can.

What are you talking about?

No, no, Santana, I'm serious.

Remember back in high school,
every time we sang together,

it was always magic.


maybe you can help me find
some of that again.

(Avicii's "Wake Me Up" begins)

♪ Feeling my way ♪

♪ Through the darkness ♪

♪ Guided by a beating heart ♪

♪ I can't tell ♪

♪ Where the journey will end ♪

♪ But I know where to start ♪

♪ ♪

♪ They tell me I'm too young ♪

♪ To understand ♪

♪ They say I'm caught up ♪

♪ In a dream ♪

♪ Well, life will pass me by ♪

♪ If I don't open up my eyes ♪

♪ Well, that's fine by me ♪

♪ So wake me up ♪

♪ When it's all over ♪

♪ When I'm wiser ♪

♪ And I'm older ♪

♪ All this time ♪

♪ I was finding myself ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ I didn't know ♪

♪ I was lost ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I wish that
I could stay forever ♪

♪ This young ♪

♪ Not afraid to close my eyes ♪

♪ Life's a game ♪

♪ Made for everyone ♪

♪ And love is the prize ♪

♪ So wake me up ♪

♪ When it's all over ♪

♪ And I'm wiser ♪

♪ And I'm older ♪

♪ I was finding myself ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ I didn't know ♪

♪ I was lost... ♪

♪ So wake me up. ♪

(applause, cheering)

Great job tonight, Rachel.

Thank you, Barclay.
Remember to rest your voice.

- We've got two shows tomorrow.
- All right.

46 down, 5,000 more to go.

If we're lucky.
Oh, knock on wood!

- Have a great night.
- Thank you.

(knocking) Barclay, could I just
have five minutes to myself, please?

Oh. I'm so sorry.

(chuckles): Hi, Rachel.
So sorry to bother you.

You were absolutely
radiant tonight.

I am such a fan.

Thank you so much.

Oh. Uh, Lee Paulblatt.

- Hello. (chuckles)
- Yes, I have been

in love with Funny Girl
since I was, like, seven.

A-Are you a friend of Paolo's?

No, no, no, no.
Well, I mean, yes.

We did a pilot with him
a few years back.

It was a train wreck.
It's not Paolo's fault,

but... Actually, it is.

But no, I actually
came here to see you.

I'm, uh, Lee Paulblatt.

I'm from Fox, the
television company.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

- Oh, okay.
- (laughs): Oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm just in New York for the
up-fronts, and this is the show

- that I wanted to see.
- Oh...

Actually, I wanted to see the Rachel
Weisz-Daniel Craig Betrayal...

but that's an impossible ticket to get...
and there was this woman in this show

that was just eating candy the entire time...
I wanted to punch her in the face...

but I enjoyed it, and
you were wonderful.


I have got a pilot that I think
you would be fantastic for.

It's called Song of Solomon.

I would love

for you to come in
to test for it.

I think you would be
perfect for it.

I mean, I close
my eyes, Rachel,

and all I see is you in it.

That's how powerful of an image
that you created for me tonight

upon that stage.

God, I wish I had
a singing voice. I don't.

I'm not allowed to sing...
my mother said that...

because I have this...
I digress.

Does this sound like something
that you would be interested in?

- Yes. Of course!
- Well, great.

Well, we're gonna want you
to read with our Solomon,

but, uh, he is in the middle
of shooting a feature.

It's a terrible feature.

I don't know why
he's chosen to do it.

But I am not his agent.

So, we would need to do it
next Tuesday in L.A.

Does that work for you?

Um... no...

Well, Tuesday
I have a show, so...

Uh, actually, your understudy
has a show on Tuesday.

Ah, just fly out for Tuesday,
and do the test, and then you

can hop on the next flight back.
Does that work for you?

You know what? I'm gonna leave
before you can say no.

That's how I work. Bye.

Hey. This is for you.

Oh, my God, it looks so good.

So, we're a hit?

Oh, come on.

You are so amazing up there!
Amazing! (laughs)

We're gonna run forever.

Thank you, Sidney, and I really...
I want to make you proud,

it's just, um... I just, I
think I'm feeling, you know,

the wear and tear of
the eight shows a week,

and, I mean, I wouldn't
want to get sick

- and miss a performance...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no,

no, no, no.
You're not gonna...

(sputters) Put that...
put that out of your head.

You're not gonna get sick.
Tell you what.

I'm gonna call
Dr. Sugarman,

the best ENT in New York.

He's gonna give you,
um, a B12 drip, and also,

um, shoot steroids
down your throat.

(groans) Um, I mean,
wouldn't it be easier

for me to just, you
know, take a show off?

No, no, no, no. I mean, your
understudy is beautiful, she is.

You know, maybe
if you, you know,

if your head came off, or there was a...
some kind of invasion

of aliens in midtown
Manhattan, maybe, maybe.

You are the show,

and the show must go on.

(both harmonizing)


♪ Ooh... ♪

- Where are you going with this...
- I'm going ♪ Here... ♪

- That's what you asked me to do.
- No. Okay, listen.

I'm not feeling it in here.

Uh, we're on the clock,

If you don't get
this track down this week,

you're gonna lose
your release date.

- Here we go.
- Okay, listen,

didn't you say that
you moved to New York

so that you can get
more of a New York vibe?

Well, this...

fish tank could be anywhere...
L.A., Lima, Lesbos.

Maybe for your last song,
you need to...

get out from behind the glass.

Well, Bruce Springsteen once put
a drum set in an elevator

to get a purer sound
than in the studio.

♪ Yo, remember
back on the boogie ♪

- ♪ When cats used to harmonize like ♪
- Yeah.

- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
- Yeah. Yo.

♪ Yo, my men and my women ♪

♪ Don't forget about the deen ♪

♪ Sirat al-mustaqim ♪

♪ Yo, it's about a thing ♪
♪ Uh, yo ♪

♪ If you feel real good, wave your
hands in the air ♪
♪ Yeah, ah ♪

♪ And lick two shots
in the atmosphere ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Been three weeks since you was
looking for your friend ♪

♪ The one you let hit it
and never called you again ♪

♪ Remember when he told you
he was 'bout the Benjamins ♪

♪ You act like you ain't hear
him and gave him a little trim ♪

♪ To begin, how you think you
really gon' pretend ♪
♪ Pretend ♪

♪ Like you wasn't down
then you called him again ♪

♪ Plus when you
give it up so easy ♪

♪ You ain't even fooling him ♪

♪ If you did it then, then
you probably do it again ♪

♪ Talking out your neck
sayin' you're a Christian ♪

♪ A Muslim sleeping
with the gin ♪

♪ Now that was the sin
that did Jezebel in ♪

♪ Who you gon' tell
when the repercussions spin ♪

♪ Showing off your ass 'cause
you're thinking it's the trend ♪

♪ Girlfriend, let me break
it down for you again ♪

♪ You know I only say it
'cause I'm truly genuine ♪

♪ Don't be a hard rock
when you really are a gem ♪

♪ Baby girl, respect
is just a minimum ♪

♪ Minimum ♪
♪ Brother's messed up
and you're still defending him ♪

♪ Now, Lauryn is only human ♪

♪ You don't think I been through
the same predicament? ♪

♪ Let it sit inside your head like
a million women in Philly, Penn ♪

♪ It's silly when girls sell
their soul because it's in ♪

♪ Look at where you be in
hair weaves like Europeans ♪

♪ Fake nails done by Koreans ♪

♪ Come again, yo, when, when ♪

♪ Come again, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Come again ♪

♪ My friend, come again, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, uh ♪
♪ Guys ♪

♪ You know you better ♪

♪ Watch out ♪

♪ Some girls,
some girls are only ♪

♪ About ♪

♪ That thing, that thing ♪

♪ That thing ♪

♪ That thing, that thing, that thing ♪

♪ Watch out, watch out ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Look out, look out ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Watch out, watch out ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Look out, look out ♪
♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Girls, you know you better ♪

♪ Watch out ♪

♪ Some guys, some guys are only ♪

♪ About ♪

♪ That thing, that thing ♪

♪ That thing ♪

♪ That thing, that thing ♪

♪ That thing. ♪

Oh, my God, D'Shon, we need
to get that sound in the studio.

Oh, no, no. We're gonna
record your last song

down here in this dungeon.

I mean, it's ballsy,
but it's got

that unique thing we
were talking about.

Mercedes Jones,
you got yourself an album.



Kurt, this TV show

is a huge opportunity.

All you've been
talking about for years

is getting on Broadway.
Well, now you have.

You've made it. You're
that one-in-a-million girl

who actually did it.

Look, every single person
that works on Broadway

wants to make it in TV or film.
And if you think about it,

some of Hollywood's greats
were plucked from the stage.

Hugh Jackman, Diane Keaton,

Meryl Streep. Meryl.

And how many of them
quit their shows

less than a month
after opening night?

I'm not quitting. No w...

I am not quitting, okay?

It is, like, just an audition.
I'm actually doing something

really nice for my understudy.
I'm just gonna,

like, take a sick day.

- You mean lie?
- Look,

if someone came to you
at NYADA right now

and asked you to audition
for this TV show,

tell me you would say no.

Fine. Go for it.

But just don't lie
to Sidney Greene.

You'd just be asking
for more trouble.

Yes, hello,
this is Rachel Berry.

Uh, Berry. With a B.

Yes, hi, uh,
I would just like to, uh,

confirm my audition, please.

Good evening. Tonight,

please welcome
to our newly christened

Dolloway Dance Lab,
our guest of honor,

Mrs. June Dolloway.



Oh, she's stunning.

Modern American royalty,
look at her.

Two of our finest

have been selected
to perform for you.

Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.

(whooping, cheering)

(One Direction's
"Story of my Life" begins)

♪ Written in these walls are the
stories that I can't explain ♪

♪ I leave my heart open ♪

♪ But it stays right here
empty for days ♪

♪ She told me in the morning ♪

♪ She don't feel the same
about us in her bones ♪

♪ Seems to me that when I die ♪

♪ These words will
be written on my stone ♪

♪ And I'll be gone,
gone tonight ♪

♪ The ground beneath my feet ♪

♪ Is open wide ♪

♪ The way that I've been
holding on too tight ♪

♪ With nothing in between ♪

♪ The story of my life,
I take her home ♪

♪ I drive all night ♪

♪ To keep her warm, and time ♪

♪ Is frozen ♪

♪ The story of, the story of ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ I give her hope ♪

♪ I spend her love ♪

♪ Until she's broke inside ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ The story of, the story of ♪

♪ And I've been waiting
for this time ♪

♪ To come around ♪

♪ But, baby, running after you ♪

♪ Is like chasing the clouds ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ I take her home,
I drive all night ♪

♪ To keep her warm, and time ♪

♪ Is frozen ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ I give her hope ♪

♪ I spend her love ♪

♪ Until she's broke ♪

♪ Inside ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ The story of, the story of ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ The story of my life ♪

♪ The story of, the story of ♪

♪ The story of my life. ♪

(whooping, cheering)

Oh, I want to thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.
I love your youthful energy.

- (whispers): Oh, thank you.
- You know,

I have a very discerning
and tasteful eye

for the extraordinary.

And I love to hone it
like a rough diamond

until it sparkles.

I have a good feeling
about you.

Would you be so kind
as to escort me to the

SoHo Center for
Outsider Art next week?

And then we can

discuss your future

over a $25,000 plate
of rubber chicken.

(stammers) Oh, my good...

A-Absolutely. I would love to.
I-I am your lump of coal.

Mm. Not you, dear.



I tried to sneak you an extra ticket,

I just didn't have
the 25 grand it would cost.

I don't know, maybe I should
just stay home with you

and watch Scandal.

Would you stop it?

I'm a little jealous,
but I'm not resentful.

All right? I-I'm
genuinely happy for you.

I just feel like
being one of June's projects

is gonna take up a lot of time.

I especially don't want
a friend that's gonna

keep me away from you.

Well, June isn't
exactly a friend.

Yeah, you're probably right.

How do I look?

Like Montgomery Clift.


Before the accident.

Oh, thank you.

Try to have fun tonight, all
right? And don't worry about me.

Remember, whatever door
June opens for you,

I'll be right there next to you
walking through it with you.

You're taking one for the team.

I love you.

Who are all of these people?

DOLLOWAY: This is the one
percent of one percent.

Never have so many boring
and rich people

found themselves grouped
together in such a space.

He thinks someone like you is
too fabulous to have friends.

No, I... My friends are why
I'm fabulous. Andrew.

This is Blaine.

Hi. Pleasure.

No, friends are everything.

You are the company you keep.

That is why, Blaine,
if I'm gonna launch your career

and make the world know who you
are, we have to be friends.

I have to know you, spend time
with you, know what you like.

It's the only way I can
really serve you, you see.

What-What is the take?

Holding steady at two million.

Two million?

(mouths silently)
Has anybody told them

the recession is over?

I can't force them
to give, June.


Okay. We have to inspire them.

Um, where... where
are you going?

I'm gonna go earn our supper.

Okay, everybody.
Now, settle down.

Now, you know that
I've been to all of your events

and I've written some pretty
fat checks myself, correct?

So tonight is your opportunity
to return the favor.

And when I say fat,

I mean "Fatty Arbuckle fat."

(soft laughter)
I-I don't mean

fat as in your
chubby first wife.

Now, you're gonna get
something for the money.

Believe me.
I have something special.

Blaine, come up, please.

I want to introduce you. Blaine Anderson.

Blaine... Blaine here
is my new discovery.

And, as you all know,
I'm never wrong. So...

(Janis Joplin's
"Piece of My Heart" begins)

♪ Oh, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Didn't I make you feel ♪

♪ Like you were the only man? ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Didn't I give you
nearly everything ♪

♪ That a woman possibly can? ♪

♪ Honey, you know I did ♪

♪ And each time
I tell myself that I ♪

♪ Well, I think
I've had enough ♪

♪ But what I'm gonna
show you, baby ♪

♪ Is that a woman can be tough ♪

♪ I want you to
come on, come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ And take it ♪

♪ Take another little piece
of my heart now, baby ♪

♪ Oh, oh, break it ♪
♪ Break it ♪

♪ Break another little piece
of my heart now ♪

♪ Darling, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Have a, have another little
piece of my heart now, baby ♪

♪ Well, you know you got it,
child ♪

♪ If it makes you feel good ♪

(guitar solo)

♪ I need you to come on ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Come on, come on ♪

♪ Now give it ♪

♪ Give another ♪

♪ Little piece
of your heart now ♪

♪ Baby ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Break it, break another
little piece of your heart now ♪

♪ Darling, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Have a ♪
♪ Have another little
piece of your heart now, baby ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ You know you got it ♪

♪ Child, if it makes you
feel good ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh. ♪

(cheering and applause)

Look, they just want a
great song from me, okay?

They don't care how
I give it to 'em. Just trust me.

D'SHON: Hey.

Did I get the days mixed up?

- I was expecting you tomorrow.
- Well,

Santana and I were talking,
and we were thinking...

that that song we're
looking for is a duet.

And don't just say no,

because we sounded great.

On a Lauryn Hill song, yeah.

But I liked the song we had.

We just needed a new take
on it, which is what we got.

You, pure, raw, underground.

Yeah, but the take that I want

is a duet with me and my girl.


look, Mercedes,
I know this is your friend...

and you got something...

but this is your calling card.

This is going to be your story.

Introducing another voice,

how do we sell that?

Think Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

Mercedes, I think
that we should go.

I'm just trying to protect you.

- But it's my album.
- Okay, look,

if you're really
into doing a duet,

let me make some phone calls,
let me call in some favors,

let me get you with Katy,
let me get you with Carly,

let me get you with Alicia.
Let me get you with someone

more famous than you
that can actually help you,

and Santana can sing backup.

And if everything goes
like it's supposed to,

then we revisit this

on your follow-up album.

Yeah, you know what?

I think that he's right.

This is your big chance,

and it should be
all about you, you know?

And I really appreciate what
you tried to do for me here,

but I know what I would do
if I was in your position.

I'm just not worth it.



Sidney... (groans)

I know I said I would
never miss a show, but...

(coughs) I just saw my doctor,
and he said that I have the flu.

- The flu? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- I know... I was starting to feel run-down.

Why does this always, always
happen to me?

I'm sorry. Do you think
my understudy Wendy can do it?

(panting) Well, if I
have to, uh, I have to.

But, uh, nobody can replace you,

You're my... you're my star,
you're my show.

I-I'm gargling
with a magical mouthwash,

and-and I'm-I'm gonna dry up
my sinuses with a humidifier,

and I will do my absolute best
to be better in 24 hours.


Ah. (chuckles)

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is Rachel Berry,

- who is taking Broadway by storm.
- Hello.

Uh, this is Andrew Cosgrove.
He is our Captain Solomon.

Hi. I'm Rachel Berry. Hi.

- Rachel, you ready?
- You bet.


Hello. I'm Rachel Berry,
and I will be singing

the seminal Bette Midler
classic, "The Rose."

(piano playing)

♪ Some say love ♪

♪ It is a river ♪

♪ That drowns ♪

♪ The tender reed ♪

♪ Some say love ♪

♪ It is a razor ♪

♪ That leaves ♪

♪ Your soul to bleed ♪

♪ Some say love ♪

♪ It is a hunger ♪

♪ An endless ♪

♪ Aching need ♪

♪ And the ♪

♪ Soul ♪

♪ Afraid of dying ♪

♪ That never ♪

♪ Never learns to live ♪

♪ When the night ♪

♪ Has been too lonely ♪

♪ And the road ♪

♪ Has been too long ♪

♪ And you think ♪

♪ That love is only ♪

♪ For the lucky ♪

♪ The lucky and the strong ♪

♪ Just remember ♪

♪ In the winter ♪

♪ Far beneath ♪

♪ The bitter snows ♪

♪ Lies the seed ♪

♪ That with the sun's love ♪

♪ In the spring ♪

♪ Becomes the rose. ♪

Excuse me?


- Uh, that was beautiful,
- Thank you.

um, but we-we really don't

need you to sing.

- Oh?
- Yeah,

this show is not a musical.

Did you not read

the script?

I'm-I'm sorry. I-I didn't...
I didn't get a script.

- I just saw the title, The
Song of Solomon. - Oh, Rachel,

that's my bad. I'm going
to fire my assistant.

Song of Solomon

is a sci-fi space opera.

- Oh. Okay.
- Andrew here plays

Captain Dax Anderss,
uh, who pilots his ship,

the Solomon,
across the Andromeda Galaxy

with, uh, Galadriel
the Starmorian... that's you...

- Okay.
- ... searching for the Drax Flute,

- Right.
- ... which he needs to use

to play a song implanted
in his head by his father

that he believes
will open a wormhole

back to his home planet.

- Okay! Yeah.
- Okay.

It's sort of like
Guardians of the Galaxy

meets Game of Thrones.

- Okay.
- With a strong

Grey's Anatomy element.

Yeah. That's what mostly...
really excited about that.

Great. Love that show.

Andrew, let's take it
from, uh...

Let's just try the first scene

in the engine room, okay?

(chuckles) Okay.

(mimicking spaceship sounds)

You gonna just stand there,
or are you gonna pass me

the warp-core?

- Would you care to explain
what went on back there?
- Oh, don't

play coy, Galadriel.

You Starmorians may like to beat
around the bush,

but I always prefer
a straight shooter.

Then let me be perfectly clear.

I am not just some space trash

you picked up
in the Triangulum Sector.

I am a princess
of the royal house of...

I'm sorry, Antrya...

- Antyrexx, but make it your own. Stay in it.
- Antyrexx. I'm just gonna

- pass by it. We'll talk about it later.
- Okay.

I am not the last...
Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I am the last Starmorian,

and I will not risk my life

and the future of my people

because of some dream
locked in your head

and a flute...

and a flute
that will never avenge

the destruction of my planet.

Lately, I've only dreamt
of one thing.

And that's doing this.



(Rachel chuckles)

Okay, uh...

- next scene?
- No, thank you so much, Rachel.

So, so great.

I think, uh... yeah,

I think that we've seen
all we need to see.

Great. Thank you.


I can't believe it.

That was seriously
the worst audition ever.



(line ringing)

- Rachel.
- Hi, Sidney.

Look, before you say anything,
I just... I felt really bad

after our last conversation,
and, you know,

I want to reiterate to you
my commitment to Broadway

and to the show,
and-and I wanted to tell you

what-what an honor
it is working for you

and-and being in Funny Girl.
And, you know, I was thinking

about playing Fanny night
after night after night,

and I honestly... I just...
it made me feel so much better.

Oh, I'm so relieved. I'm so
relieved to hear that, Rachel.

Listen, um, your understudy
today during rehearsal

fell off the lip of the stage.

- You fell off the lip of the stage.
- (crying): Oh, no...

Now, look,
hydrate yourself, okay?

And then come
to the theater, 7:30.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Taxi?



Take me to the airport!

So I said to Prince Faisal,

"What do you think this is,
a quarter horse convention?"

I want to be you when I grow up.

Why? What do you find
so attractive?

Tell me. Is it the fame?

Is it the power?

Is it the money? What is it?

No, it's-it's the life.

I mean, how did you manage
to find yourself

in the center of all of it?

You attract in what you put out.

So if you put out charisma

to every person you meet,

the universe will see to it
that it comes back to you.

Because like attracts like.

That's why I'm so in like
with you.

Oh, my God. I just...

I can't believe
that you see me that way.

Okay, so we're going
to do a show,

showcase your talent.

It'll be the biggest event
the whole year.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

That-that's huge.

I just want to shine a light
on what the world should see.

Well, I-I would just have
one request.

I would love it
if we could have Kurt

in the show, too. We really
want to do everything together,

and I think that the world
really needs

to see his talent, too.

No, I don't think
the world needs to see that.

Well, then I-I don't think
I could do it.


Blaine, I've been in
and out of love

more times
than you've had breakfast.

I know you're not
asking me this,

but I am telling you.

You should break off
that engagement.

I love Kurt.

Well, of course you do.

I loved Richard Burton
and Howard Hughes.


So what?
That's what we humans do.

We fall in and out of love.

We break each other's hearts.

The first time, you always think
it's the most important,

but that isn't true.

It's the test.

So you have to make a decision.

Are you gonna settle,

or are you going
to venture out into the unknown

like a samurai,
and realize your full, full


Excuse me, sir.
Why is there a traffic jam?

Because there's always
a traffic jam.

Interesting story.

In 1950s, all the
hot-shot automakers

allegedly banded together and
got rid of the trolley cars.

And that's what inspired
Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Remember that?

(mutters) Excuse me.

I have to make a flight
at the airport,

10:00 a.m. to New York.

I have to make it.
I'm in a Broadway show.

I have to get there.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Hey, I'm an actor, too.

I played a john
on The Client List.

This seat belt is stuck.

Hey, girl. How's it going?

Oh, my God, Kurt, I am dead.
I am so dead right now.

Okay, Sidney is expecting
me at the theater,

and my understudy
cannot get on,

and-and I'm not
gonna make it

until after the curtain goes up.

Well, this is a disaster!

You have to call Sidney right
now and tell him the truth!

What? No! And-and ruin my TV and
my Broadway career all at once?

Kurt, you have
to help me! Please!

(clears her throat)

What is that?

It's a contract,
and you need to sign it

so that we can get to work
on our duet.

Okay, you know what?
You are literally insane.

You need to take this
contract, rip it up,

apologize to D'Shon and
do that song by yourself.

Listen, I want my album
to be the best,

and, Santana,
you make me better.

Rachel... she's great,
but we both know

who the top bitches
of that glee club were.

Point taken.

And I want to help you.

Yeah, but, see, um,
I think that I've proven

that I'm not
the world's best friend.

You might be
a work in progress,

but I think
you're worth the wait.

You know, this is
the nicest thing

that anyone has ever
done for me.

I know. I'm awesome, huh?

Do either of you

look at your phone?

Rachel is stuck in L.A., okay?

We have to delay tonight's
performance until she gets back.

Okay, I'm thinking maybe
like a bomb threat,

or maybe like
a bed bug scare, or...

or maybe I run out
in the lobby, and I'm, like,

"Hey, Barbra's in the park, and
she's doing a concert for free!"

Please stop. Just stop.
All of your ideas are horrible.

Well, do you have a better one?
Because, I mean,

if Rachel doesn't get back
in time, she could get fired!

No one is gonna get fired.

And yes, I actually
do have a better idea.

Ooh! What a night, right?

Hold that. Um,

I didn't want to alarm you,

but I didn't know
who else to call.

How is this possible?

Um, she's right in there.

What the hell
are you doing here?

I'm going on as Fanny.

I thought you quit.

I guess I could quit again
if you want

to spend the next couple
of hours handing out refunds.

Where's Rachel?

She's not here, but...

I am, and trust me,
Sidney, I've got this.

So, I figured I'd kill two birds
with one stone

by thanking you for keeping me
from getting fired

and humiliated by making sure
the show wasn't canceled.

I cannot believe they
didn't can you anyway.

Yeah, well, they still might.

I e-mailed Rupert and Sidney

and explained
the whole situation to them,

and all I got back
was an e-mail saying

that I had to come in for
a mandatory meeting tomorrow.

You're so screwed.

Yeah. Well, I mean,
I don't know.

At least I'm not going to be,
like, sued or anything

for all of the tickets
that they would have had

to refund if the show
had been canceled.

Don't sweat it.
I had a blast, actually.

I mean,
that Broadway stuff is fun

if you only have to do it once.

So, what's the,
uh, second bird?

Well, I mean, I wanted to see
what you wanted in return.

Is that the kind of friend
that you think that I am?

Yeah. Okay.
Look, I get it.

I get how
I could come off that way,

but let's just use this
as an example

of the kind of friend
that I'm trying to be now.


Well, why the sudden thawing
of your icy heart?

Well, because I realized

that the world is even colder
than I am.

You know, and the only thing
that you can do

to keep from freezing
to death is

have good friends around you
to keep you warm.

So, I decided
that I want to use

my bitch powers to protect
the people that I care about.

And I guess that means
that I care about you.

Don't tell anyone.

I won't.

- Okay.
- I made it in time

for the second act,
and you were really good.



I just can't believe
I screwed it all up.

I mean, I had everything, and

all my dreams had come true,

and I threw it away.

And for what?


Listen, I don't know what Sidney
is going to do to you tomorrow.

Maybe he'll fire you.

I know I would.

But I also know
that you are the type of person

that can't be held down.

You're this huge talent.

It's like Russell Crowe
and Johnny Carson.

No matter how awful you are,

people are always gonna want
to work with you.

That was kind of nice,
I think, but...

You're a really good friend,

Oh, I'm gonna take this
all for myself.


Finally, I get some alone time
with you on the couch.

I feel like
I haven't seen you in days.

Well, you keep telling me
never to say no to June.

Well, you never know
who she might introduce you to

who could help us
in our careers.

I mean, literally, all
her friends are rich and famous.

By the way, I'm upset with you.

- Why?
- Because

you haven't filled me in
on any of the gossip.

You spend six hours
a day with her,

and I have yet
to receive one text being, like,

"Hey, I'm talking poverty
with Bono," or-or tales

of lunch at Balthazar with
Karl Lagerfeld or Condi Rice.

It's not like that at all.

It's-it's just me and June.

Well, is-is she being

Because I draw a line.

What? No. Gross.
Not at all.

Then what is it?

Um, well, we're, um,
planning a... a show.

It's just like
a one-night-only showcase.

Oh, my God, that's amazing!

Why didn't you tell me?

I just wanted to make sure that
your part was more fleshed out.

I get to be in it?!

But I-I thought she hated me.

Well, she doesn't hate you.

You're such a sweetheart!

Oh, like, okay, okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to ruin the surprise.

Oh, okay, I'm not gonna
ask you anything else, but

I am... I am dying to know

what I'll be doing.

Oh, I love you so much.


Rachel, have a seat.

Mr. Greene, I just...
I really wanted to apologize

for how everything turned out.

Oh, please. It's okay.

As you young people say,
"I totally understand."

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, you wanted out
of a performance,

and I told you "no"
in no uncertain terms.

Mr. Greene...

Let me finish.

You lied to me.

You know, I'm disappointed.

Now, I personally
feel betrayed.

But I'm not going to fire you.

- Oh. Really?
- No.

I wanted to fire you.

I spent all day
trying to fire you.

I spoke to Rupert,
the other investors,

and they all agreed

that you're an ambitious,
irresponsible child.

What can we do?

You're our star.
We need you.

Well, Mr. Greene, I...
I know I made a mistake,

but I had an opportunity
come my way,

and I just... I thought...

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you thought.

I've seen this all the time,

and let me tell you
something, Miss Berry.

You aren't some Broadway legend.

If you ever

pull something like this again,

I will not only fire you;

I will sue you back
to the stone age

for breach of contract.

And you'll never be able
to work on Broadway again.

Your reputation...

will not exist.

Get the hell out of my office.


(sighs, phone buzzing)



Hi, Rachel. Lee Paulblatt.

Yeah, I've got some bad news.

As you're aware, that, uh,
was not a great audition.

There were some girls
who just came in

and knocked it
out of the park, so,

the bottom line is that,

you did not get the part.

I know, Mr. Paulblatt.

Thank you for the opportunity.

But I've also got
some good news.

Rachel, I mean, clearly,

Song of Solomon was not
the right project for you.

But when I said that you were

a once-in-a-generation talent,
I meant it,

which is why I want
to give you a development deal.

Are you serious?

I don't... I don't even know
what that means.

We want to create a TV show
around you, Rachel.

We don't know what it is,

but, uh, oh,
we'll figure that out.

Are you serious?

Yes, Rachel, I am serious.

I've got a writer in mind
I want to pair you with.

You don't even have
to leave New York.

We're sending her to you.

Mr. Paulblatt, I... I..
I-I don't even know what to say.

Just say thank you.
Congrats, Rachel.

Celebrate with your friends.
We'll be in touch.