Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 17 - Opening Night - full transcript

Nervous for opening night, Rachel is willing to do anything to succeed. When she finds out that Jacob Ben Isreal is writing a review of the show for the New Yorker, her director pressures her to do whatever it takes for a good review.

Rachel. Rachel.

Rachel, come on.

Rachel.

Come on. You're on.

Here's your c-c-costume, Rachel.

Steak a dreg.

There's nothing on the hanger.

Yes, well, apparently
the emperor wears no clothes.

Little trouble
chewing on something?

Love me.
I love you.

Why can't you love me back?



Hey, Rache.

It's all riding on you, kid.

Even though you
have no business being up there,

shouldn't you be onstage?

Where's my purse?

Or my Finn necklace.
Where's my Finn necklace?

Get on with it!

♪ Dear, I fear we're
facing a problem ♪

♪ You love me no longer
I know and ♪

♪ Maybe there is nothing ♪

♪ That I can do ♪

♪ To make you do ♪

♪ Mama tells me
I shouldn't bother ♪

♪ That I ought to
stick to another man ♪



♪ A man that surely
deserves me ♪

♪ But I think you do ♪

Get on with it!

♪ So I cry and I pray
and I beg ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪

♪ Fool me, fool me ♪

♪ Go on and fool me ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Pretend that you love me ♪

♪ Leave me, leave me ♪

♪ Just say that you need me ♪

♪ So I cry ♪

♪ And I beg for you to ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪

♪ Leave me, leave me ♪

♪ Just say that you need me ♪

♪ I can't care 'bout ♪

♪ Anything but you ♪

Get on with it!

♪ Anything but you ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Say that you love me ♪

♪ Fool me, fool me ♪

♪ Go on and fool me ♪
♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ I know that you need me ♪

♪ I can't care 'bout ♪

♪ Anything but you. ♪

I don't know why
you're so anxious.

You killed it
in the previews up in Syracuse.

- No, you didn't read any of the reviews.
- Yes, I did, I read every

- single one of them.
- No, you only read the legit ones.

You did not read the
independent bloggers

or you didn't read
the comments sections.

I told you to stay out
of that comments section.

I know, but I couldn't help it,
and now it's like

they're my anxiety avatars.
Like the people in my dream.

They're the voices
of all the self-doubt

that I've ever had
about myself. And, you know,

why do people become actors
in the first place?

You know? It's because
we want to be loved.

We're like a...
like a bottomless cup

that just constantly needs to be
filled with love and validation.

Give me your phone.

You're being unplugged until
after your opening night.

- Wait...
- No going on the Internet for anything.

All the greats do it.

Scorsese, Woody, Miley.

None of them read reviews
or blogs

or check Twitter. Okay?

We are going to
hermetically seal this loft

into a big love bubble and fill
it with positive affirmations

and validations from
people who know you

and love you and have no doubt

that you're going
to be amazing.

If you need your cup filled,
we'll fill it right here.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hey, William.

How's your day going, huh?

Honestly, it's been
a little rough...

Yeah, I don't care.

Listen, it's come
to my attention you have

an extra plane ticket
to New York City.

That's right, yeah.

I'm going in for Rachel's
opening.

Yeah, uh, Emma and I booked it
months ago, but she's obviously

too pregnant to fly right now,
and Coach Beiste said that, uh,

Southwest wouldn't let her fly
because she takes up two seats.

Well, I'll take the ticket.

I have to see New York.

What are you talking about?

You hate New York.

Western Ohio, there's a scab
on the face of America.

It's an island.

It's shaped like a dong
and smells like hot pee.

This island is called
New York City,

and it's high time
the real America

told New York to take a hike.

New York is a loud, overcrowded
cesspool of ten million people

and 70 million rats,

where the best one can expect
after a Central Park wilding

at one of the city's hundreds
of ethnic day parades

is a soggy, pork
anus frankfurter

that a cockroach walked across.

New York is not just the playpen
of the mega-rich Honey?

Billionaires who
crushed and snorted

our nation's
retirement savings...

it's also the home of Broadway.

That great American institution
that bores us to death

one night a year with that
bi-curious minstrel show

of self-congratulation:
the Tony Awards.

That broadcast lit up the
switchboards with thousands

of angry callers, and the
network brass did their research

and they discovered I've
never been to New York City.

- What?
- You see, I've been taking my cue from

cable news lately,
just lying a lot.

But now I need to actually

visit that hellhole
and see how soulless,

empty and bullet-ridden
it really is.

- Well...
- Or I'll lose my credibility.

Okay. Fine, the ticket
is yours if you want it.

But you have to
pay me back for it.

And you have to come with me

to the opening night
of Rachel's show.

I mean it, Sue.

No excuses.

You drive a hard bargain,
Butt Chin.

I'll do it.

Great. Actually looking forward
to it.

New York City. Huh.

What's that gonna be like?

Taxi!

♪ NYC ♪

♪ What is it about you? ♪

♪ You're big ♪

♪ You're loud ♪

♪ You're tough ♪

♪ NYC ♪

♪ I go years without you ♪

♪ Then I ♪

♪ Can't get enough ♪

♪ Enough of cab drivers ♪

♪ Answering back ♪

♪ With language far from pure ♪

♪ Enough of frankfurters
answering back ♪

♪ Oh, brother,
you know you're ♪

♪ In NYC ♪
♪ NYC ♪

♪ Too busy, too crazy ♪

♪ You crowd, you cramp ♪

♪ You're still ♪

♪ The champ ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ For NYC ♪

♪ NYC ♪

♪ Just got here this morning ♪

♪ Three bucks ♪

♪ Two bags ♪

♪ One me ♪

♪ NYC ♪

♪ NYC ♪

♪ I give you fair warning ♪

♪ Up there ♪

♪ In lights ♪

♪ I'll be ♪

♪ NYC ♪

♪ You're standing room only ♪

♪ You crowd ♪

♪ You cramp ♪

♪ You're still ♪

♪ The champ ♪

♪ Amen ♪

♪ For NYC. ♪

This place smells like barf.

Come on, Sue, follow me.

- Tina.
- Hi.

- Hello, big fat Broadway star.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- About time.

These are for you.

Oh, no. Do you
have laryngitis?

Oh, no, she's just
resting her voice.

Oh, thank God. This
would not be a good time

for your tonsils to flare up again.
Remember that?

First year of
Glee Club?

Hey, where is everyone?

Rachel's opening night
on Broadway is a big deal.

And where's Artie?
I was hoping to get to see him.

Oh, his short film
Bags in the Wind

got accepted
into the Ft. Lauderdale

International
Short Film Festival.

Oh, that's too
bad. I mean,

what about Quinn and
Puck and Santana?

I mean, are they
just not being supportive?

Tina! Why don't you catch us up?

How's Brown University
treating you? Mm.

Ah, I love everything about it.

Except for my dorm room.
My roommate...

she's nice... but she's from
Pakistan and she speaks

almost no English
and she's always watching

that Al Jazeera channel.

And, no, I don't
have a boyfriend,

but I was dating
this really nice guy,

but he turned out to be...

Gay. Gay. Gay.

- Proud homosexual.
- No.

Yes.

- Anyway...
- Knew it.

Rachel, I read this amazing

and they are predicting
that Funny Girl is gonna be

a huge hit. And so
is everybody else,

- except for a few moronic bloggers.
- Oh, hey, Tina.

- But, I mean, who are they to call you
pitchy? - Let's go get an iced mocha.

And do not get me started on
those anonymous comment trolls.

I mean, that...
You are not that short.

Shut up.

It's fine.
It's fine.

Frankly, the only opinions
that I care about are you guys.

And I love you guys

and you love me.

So, you know, if I ever

need any validation, I just...

turn to my buffet of people
right in front of me.

If you don't mind,
I am going to take a nap.

This diva needs her
beauty rest. So...

All right. Tina.

Get your bags. You're
coming to my place.

But I thought
I was staying here.

What if Rachel needs my love and
validation from the buffet? Just go.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

The only thing Berry's
got in common with Streisand

is her ginormous schnoz.

Someone call the bomb squad,
'cause Funny Girl

will no doubt be a funless flop.

- Do Broadway a favor, Rachel Berry...
- No.

- And take your bony, untalented butt back to...
- Nothing.

Whatever Hobbit-hole
you crawled out of.

Oh, honey.

Sorry.

Guys. It's bad.

Rachel has been
cybercutting all night.

She read, like, every
negative comment ever written

about her in the span
of an hour.

- No!
- Yeah.

Yeah, she's taken to her bed.

She says she's too psyched
to go on tonight,

and her confidence is shot.

We have to fill her with love

and validation so
she gets it back.

Otherwise, everything
she's ever worked for

her entire life
is gonna be ruined.

Let's do it.

Hey, uh, Rache?

Namaste, Rachel.

Hey, Rachel.

These magic hands right here,

they're gonna get you
back to your happy place.

"Hello, gorgeous.

"Fanny Brice was
my most cherished role.

"But I can't stay
in style forever.

Now it's your turn. Barbara."

You of all people should know

that Barbra dropped the "A"
when she was 18 years old

as an act of rebellion.
Who wrote this?! Tina?!

Or not.

Okay.

I've never seen her like this.

I know. She's usually
pushing people away to get onstage.

It's not fair that anyone
can send a hateful tweet

to anyone
and have access to artists.

You know, I-I don't think
that it's the criticism

that got to her; I think it's,
like, the volume of it.

- It's Twitter.
- I can't believe my note didn't work.

I know.
It was so good.

Hello, losers.

Well, you live in the worst neighborhood
in Brooklyn, and there isn't even

a lock on your door.

You might want to
look into that.

Unless, of course, you think
the rapist is gonna just move on

to the next apartment filled
with nubile 19-year-olds

simply because your door
is so damn annoying to open.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Asian Number One, that's
totally something you would say.

I have come

to watch Rachel Berry choke
on her opening night.

I heard that!
I'm right in here!

Sue, please,
Rachel is freaking out!

Well, she should be;
she's going to choke.

I can hear you in here!

Oh, and to answer your question,

Cheech and Chang,
I'm staying here overnight,

because I realized when
we arrived at the hotel

that Will Schuester
is a big old perv

and has been trying to sleep
with me this whole time.

I-I thought I asked them
to change it to two twin beds.

- Adultery.
- No.

That's what this is called.

Well, you are not staying here.

I can't have you
anywhere near Rachel.

No, that's fine.
I'll stay in your room.

Oh, thank God there's no
weird sex toys laying around.

Things could not
possibly get any worse.

Look, what I'm
trying to say is,

whenever I'm nervous
about choking

in front of hundreds of people,
I eat a spoonful of mustard

to make myself puke,

and I get that part over with.

All right, where is she?
Kurt called me

in the cab,
told me what was up.

She's been in there for hours.

We don't know how she's peeing.

Okay. Give me four minutes.

I will return with Grey Poupon.

What?

You're the best they could do?

Hells, yes.

Because I am the closer.

And in two minutes, you are
gonna be out of this bed

ready to fistfight
the Taliban and offering

- to buy me a diamond necklace.
- No pep talks

or anything are gonna work
right now. Honestly.

Okay? I've never felt like this
before in my entire life.

I never thought
in a hundred years

that I'd be too afraid
to perform,

but it's, like, these people
and all this stuff

is just, like, in my head.

- And now I don't even know what's real anymore.
- Okay, okay.

- It's, like, I am all of my insecurity.
- Seriously...

I don't do...
I don't do pep talks.

If you want a pep talk, you should
call Mr. Shue or rent The Notebook.

I took the liberty of
looking up some reviews

on my phone in the cab...

No, no, look, look, seriously,

uh, one... hundred

- good reviews...
- Uh, she is "an ancient Hittite princess."

She's a "freak."

Her hands are "frightening
more than amusing,"

and "her movements
are wildly bizarre."

Those are awful.

They were also
written in 1964...

about Barbra Streisand
when she played Fanny.

I see what you did there.

You suck at so many things...

but not at this.

And... the thing is, is
that you don't even have

to believe me or yourself...
all you have to do

is get on that stage
and open your mouth.

You can't do this badly; you
don't actually have it in you.

You and I only have two speeds:

awesome or not at all.

And who gives a crap what
all the other peasants think?

I can't...

stand you 90% of the time,

but even I know
that if you drag

your flat little ass
out on that stage tonight

you're gonna murder that crowd.

I'm gonna eat it all.

What are you all
moping around for?

It's my opening night!

Tickets! I got one
extra ticket here for sale!

Ticket! Get your tick...
You need a ticket, lady?

Okay. How about you,
you need a ticket, lady?

What the hell are you doing?

William, I am obviously
scalping my ticket.

Why should I have to suffer
through an endless evening

of Rachel Berry
desecrating the memory

of the late, great
Barbra Streisand?

You promised you
would come to the show.

I have no recollection
of that happening.

Ticket! Get your ticket!
You ladies have tickets?

One ticket for sale!
I got one ticket

for sale if anybody needs it.
One ticket.

Oh. Yes, sir.
Come on, right through.

Great. Fantastic.

- How much?
- What?

Your ticket. How much?

It's not for sale.

Move. Move.

Come in.

- I heard it's somebody's opening night on Broadway.
- Oh, my God!

Hi!

- How are you?
- Oh, my gosh, look at you!

- Here you are.
- Thank you.

Oh, of course. I always
knew we would end up here.

That... that you
would end up here.

Well, apparently,
some dreams do come true.

Apparently.

Yeah, I-I got him
a seat tonight.

I know it's... weird,
but he always made me promise

- I would get him a ticket to
my opening night on Broadway.
- It's not weird.

- It's... lovely.
- The only thing

that scares me is getting
through "Who Are You Now?"

It's the last song, and I always
think about him when I sing it,

and so...
if I can get through that,

- then I'll be fine. - Well, you
know where we're all sitting.

If you need a little boost,
just zone in on us.

Rachel, it's okay.

I am so proud

of you, Rachel.

Tonight is the best gift

that a student could
possibly give her teacher.

You're making my dreams
come true, too.

- Ten minutes, Miss Berry.
- Okay, thank you.

Hey, Em. Yeah, I'm
here with Rachel.

- Tell her I said hi. - What's up?
She says "break a leg."

Thanks.

What?

Now?

How-how long?

Wha... wha...

Okay, wait for me. I...

- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no. Just try to wait.

Uh...
Is she... right now?

- Her water just broke.
- Go! Go!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
- I have to get back to Ohio.

- Oh, my God!
- I love you. I love you. Break a leg.

♪ I'm ♪

♪ The greatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ But no one knows it ♪

♪ Wait! They're
gonna hear a voice ♪

♪ A silver flute ♪

♪ Woo, ooh-ooh, woo, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ They'll cheer each toot ♪

Hey, that kid is terrific. Mm!

Is this supposed to be good?

Sue, cut it out. He's the critic
from The New York Times.

Do they still publish that?

♪ That I'm a natural Camille? ♪

♪ As Camille I just feel ♪

♪ I've so much to offer ♪

Hey, listen, kid, I know

I'd be divine because...

♪ I'm ♪

♪ A natural cougher ♪

♪ Some ain't got it,
not a lump ♪

♪ I'm a great big clump
of talent ♪

♪ These are facts ♪

♪ I've got no ax ♪

♪ To grind ♪

Hey, what are you, blind?

♪ In all of the world so far ♪

♪ I'm the greatest star ♪

I just can't even...

Excuse me, I need to go kill myself.

♪ I'm the greatest star ♪

♪ I am by far ♪

♪ But no one knows it ♪

♪ That's ♪

♪ Why I was born ♪

♪ I'll blow my horn... ♪

♪ Till someone blows in ♪

♪ I'll ♪

♪ Light up like a light ♪

♪ Right up like a light ♪

♪ I'll flicker ♪

♪ Then flare up, ha! ♪

♪ All the world's ♪

♪ Gonna stare up ♪

♪ Looking down
you'll never see me ♪

♪ Try the sky,
'cause that'll be me! ♪

♪ I can make them cry ♪

♪ I can make them sigh ♪

♪ Someday they'll clamor ♪

♪ For my drama ♪

♪ Have you ♪

♪ Guessed yet ♪

♪ Who's the best yet? ♪

♪ If ya ain't ♪

♪ I'll tell you ♪

♪ One more time ♪

♪ You bet your last dime ♪

♪ In all of the world so far ♪

♪ I am the greatest ♪

♪ Greatest ♪

♪ Star... ♪

Excuse me, sir.

Could you call me a taxicab?

First time in New York?

And what makes you think that?

Well, that is not
how you call a cab.

All you have to do is walk out
on the curb and put your hand

- in the air.
- Oh, okay. I see. I didn't... I didn't know.

Don't feel bad.

You know, that was
my first Broadway show.

Yeah. One of my patrons
gave me the tickets.

I didn't think it was gonna
make me want to barf so much.

I mean, it's called Funny Girl.
I thought

it was gonna be
about a funny girl.

- Right?
- Yeah.

- It definitely was not funny,
and for a second there...
- No.

I wasn't even sure
she was a girl.

You said "patron."
Are you a sex worker?

No. I am a restaurateur.

Oh. I own a few places
around the city.

Yeah. I'm kind of a big deal.

Wow.

You want to grab a bite?

Yeah.

Hey!

You're doing great
up there. You're giving it

- the full Fanny.
- Hey, how you feeling?

I don't know. I don't know,
I don't know, I don't know.

I mean, good, good. But do
you guys think that, you know,

Sue getting up in the middle
had any sort of effect

on the critics or the audience
or anything like that?

- No.
- No, no, probably not.

No, right?

Bravo.

- You were terrific in the first act.
- Oh, good, good, good.

- Terrific.
- I made some little changes, but...

- No, no. It was wonderful. I promise you...
- Great.

- It was wonderful.
- Okay.

I'm a little concerned
about that guy in the...

the tracksuit leaving
right at the beginning.

I mean, he stepped
over the critic of the Times.

The guy was spooked.

- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Not to worry, not to worry.

The important thing now

is what you do in act two.

Critics remember
beginnings and endings.

So now you have to dig deep.

I know you can do it.

All you have to do is share it
with everybody.

I can do it.

Sorry to tell you,
you're gonna have to.

With all the work
that we've done,

all the money that's been

put in,

it's all for that one critic
from the Times.

If he doesn't like it...

we're kaput.

If the review is bad, then
opening night is closing night.

And that...

is showbiz.

I mean, seriously,
if I wanted to see a show

about an ugly duckling
who gets dumped,

I'd just watch an episode
of Girls.

I hear you.

So welcome to Mario's,
Sue Sylvester,

the gem of Little Italy.

I know it's changed from
when I was growing up.

Now it's pretty much one street
surrounded by Chinatown.

But, still, it's pretty special.

Well, I do like the idea
of naming a restaurant

after one's self.

Hey, Salvatore.
This is Sue Sylvester.

I'm gonna go whip
up something...

Buonasera, Signorina Sylvester.

This is America.
We speak English here.

So,

what can I make for you?

How about some gnocchi
alla napolitano?

Or, uh, linguine al pesto?

I'm not sure.

And, to tell you the truth, no
one's ever cooked for me before.

What? You got to be kidding.

No. It's true. My parents
were famous Nazi hunters,

so they weren't around a lot.

Also, I've been threatened
with poisonings several times,

so I don't even order takeout
without my food taster,

and Becky's back in Ohio.

Sue, I got to ask.

Married?

I'm divorced, actually.

Um, I was briefly married
to myself,

uh, but it didn't work out.

We both realized in the
end that we'd grown apart.

Huh.

You?

No, I'm, uh, married to my city.

This town is my mistress.

She's my type of gal.

Cruel, delicious

and 100 stories tall.

- There you go.
- Oh.

- Buon appetito.
- Mmm.

I have to say,

when I decided
to come to New York,

I did not think this
was going to happen.

Oh.

Oh. I knew that Funny Girl
would be a disaster.

I've seen Rachel Berry butcher
literally dozens of show tunes

with many an ugly cry, but...

I did not predict that I would
meet somebody like you.

Me, neither.

Although there aren't
a lot of women like you.

You know, that show
would've been a lot better

if you'd been up there
on that stage.

♪ Who are you now? ♪

♪ Now that you're mine ♪

♪ Are you something more ♪

♪ Than you were ♪

♪ Before? ♪

♪ Are you warmer in the rain? ♪

♪ Are you stronger ♪

♪ For my touch? ♪

♪ Am I giving too ♪

♪ Little ♪

♪ By my loving you ♪

♪ Too much? ♪

♪ How is the view? ♪

♪ Sunny and green? ♪

♪ How do you compare it to ♪

♪ The views you've seen? ♪

♪ I know I am ♪

♪ Better ♪

♪ Braver ♪

♪ And surer, too ♪

♪ But you ♪

♪ Are you now ♪

♪ Who are you now? ♪

♪ Are you someone ♪

♪ Better ♪

♪ For my ♪

♪ Love? ♪

Oh, my God. Oh,

- I am gonna have a big glass of that.
- Yay.

- Oh, my God, Rachel. You were so great.
- Thank you.

I bawled during "Who Are You Now?".

I had to blow my nose on Sam's sleeve.

This is suede.

I'm sorry. You guys,

I love you so much.
I seriously...

I couldn't have done this
without all of you.

- And you got flowers from Quinn.
- I know.

And Artie and Mike Chang
and Puck and Principal Figgins.

Clearly you're loved by many.

Whoa...

Tonight,

you are a star.

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

You know what, you guys,
let's save all the praises

- until after the New York
Times review comes out.
- Yeah, yeah.

- You're right, you're right.
- Yeah.

We have, uh, six hours
of innocence left.

- Whew.
- And then when the reviews
hit the stand, we'll find out

if we're the best thing
since sliced bread or toast.

But...

we are going

- to celebrate tonight.
- Okay.

We are going to have
an opening night party,

Elio's restaurant,
Italian restaurant.

Eggplant parmigiana

always, always
brings me good luck.

- Yeah! Yay.
- Rachel, Rachel,

- your friends, huh?
- Yeah.

Bring everybody!

All right, bye.

Whoa. Eggplant parmigiana?
Thank you.

I can't believe it,
a real Broadway cast party.

I don't really feel
like going to the party.

I think that they're just gonna

only be talking about the play,

and... I don't know...
I'd rather just...

celebrate with you guys.

I know just the place

down in Greenwich Village.

Trust me, Rachel,

they're gonna love you there.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Rachel Berry?!
Here?!

Oh, my God, you recognize me?

We've been
tracking Funny Girl for weeks.

How was tonight?

She was incredible.

Oh, well, then
this is historic.

You have to sing something...
it's Broadway tradition.

- Oh, no. I'm... I'm not sure.
- Whatever the review

says tomorrow, let's just love
and celebrate you tonight,

right now.

Well, in that case...

I'm here for the night!

Hit it!

♪ Hey, heart,
on the road again ♪

♪ Moving on ♪

♪ Forward ♪

♪ Sticks and stones
won't break our bones ♪

♪ We're in a car ♪

♪ On the highway ♪

♪ It's a magical feeling ♪

♪ That no one's got a hold ♪

♪ You're a catalyst ♪

♪ To your happiness, you know ♪

♪ 'Cause it's your heart ♪

♪ It's alive ♪

♪ It's pumping blood ♪

♪ And it's your heart ♪

♪ It's alive ♪

♪ It's pumping blood ♪

♪ And the whole wide world
is whistling ♪

♪ Hey, heart,
on the road again ♪

♪ On the highway,
on the highway ♪

♪ Hey, heart,
on the road again ♪

♪ On the highway,
on the highway ♪

♪ 'Cause it's your heart ♪

♪ It's alive ♪

♪ It's pumping blood ♪

♪ And it's your heart ♪

♪ It's alive ♪

♪ It's pumping blood ♪

♪ And the whole wide world
is whistling ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ It's whistling ♪

♪ It's whistling ♪

♪ It's whistling ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ It's whistling ♪

♪ And the whole wide world
is whistling. ♪

Oh, my God.
Who wants to rub my feet?

I haven't danced that hard
since Nationals two years ago.

I got the DJ's number.

Oh. Tina, I told you,
he's totally gay.

- Come on.
- Gay?

- No!
- What are you, blind? Tina!

Uh, I'm gonna make

some coffee, you guys. The
reviews come out in 30 minutes,

and I want us all to go down
to the newsstand together.

Uh, I'll take mine black,
thanks.

Who are all you people?

Oh, my God.

You are the guy... the guy

that walked out
of my show last night.

What are you doing
in my apartment?

In my robe?

Well, aren't you all

so very, very rude.

Oh, my God,
Sue had sex in your bed.

Actually, we did it
all over your apartment.

And if I were you, I'd put
something down on that couch

before I sat on it.

Oh, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

So, how'd the rest

of the show go, huh?

I considered coming back
for act two

just so I could walk out again.

Okay, you know what? I am not...

It's okay. I got this.
You know what Sue?

You made my life in high school
a living hell.

Well, thank you.

And it's like you had a mission

to keep us underwater,

never coming up,
even for a breath

of air, and you said
that it was to push us,

but I really don't think
that's what you wanted,

because if we actually felt

how wonderful and amazing
and loved we really were,

then we would know
what you knew all along,

which is that you are
a rotten and awful person

who only finds joy
in people's misery.

Well, let me
tell you something.

Something amazing
happened tonight.

A group of friends
rallied together

and made a dream come true.

And never, ever in your empty,
sad life will you feel

the kind of love
that I felt tonight.

And I would feel

so sad for you, but I don't,

because I just want you to get
the hell out of my apartment,

because I want to be
with my friends.

Wow.

Oh, Mario, I'm sorry
you had to see that.

Let's go.

I suddenly don't feel
very welcome here anymore.

Well, it was, uh, super
meeting all of you.

Hey, where'd you get this robe?

- Just keep it.
- Thanks, bro.

Ah, Rachel.

Bravo.

Rachel. Rachel!

- Rachel! Rachel!
- Yeah.

Poetry... couldn't

have said it better myself.

Sir, do you have
the New York Times?

- It's the paper of record.
- How old are you?

They're gonna e-mail you the New
York Times in three minutes.

- What the heck?
- Just give us the paper.

Oh, my God.

Open it.

Come on.

Open it!

Open... I'm cold!

Can you open it?

Rachel, let's go,
let's read it.

No, I can't, I can't.
I can't do it, Kurt.

- You're gonna have to read it.
- No way!

- I'm too nervous. - You know what?
Give me this.

I don't mind being
the bearer of bad news.

- All right.
- Okay.

"One might ask themselves, why?

"Why revive Funny Girl?

"An iconic show
with an iconic star.

"Why, when there are so many
wonderful new playwrights,

"would Sidney Greene decide
to dust off this tired

"old girl of a play?

"Well, frankly,
I can only come up with

a single answer,
and it's Rachel Berry."

Oh, my God.

"It takes chutzpa to
be willing to step into

"the Great One's
knee-high lace-ups

"and make Fanny your own.

"And Rachel has plenty
of that, clearly.

"But she also has
something else in spades...

- talent."
- Oh, my God.

- Talent!
- Talent. "And mountains of it.

"I'm not talking
about the Appalachians.

Berry is the Alps."

- Ooh.
- "I'm sure

"I could find fault

"in this green
actress's performance,

"but shame on anyone who
would have the audacity

"to criticize the bold mistakes

of a supernova exploding
before our eyes."

"I just pray to God that no
one saw me secretly wiping my tears

- No!
- "during her show-stopping 'Who Are You Now?'

"I don't know where inside
that small frame Berry went

"to find the emotion
she delivered with that song,

but she melted the icy heart
of this reviewer."

Oh, my God.
Let me see.

- Okay.
- All right.

"I hope this show runs
for a long time, not because

"anyone needs to see
'Don't Rain on My Parade' again,

"or the producers found a way

"to get a real tugboat
onstage, but because

"I want to have some time

"to enjoy Rachel
Berry as she is now.

"I know I will be going back

for a second heaping bowl
of Rachel Berry."

Yes!

My phone is ringing.

Who's call...?

Oh, it's Mr. Shue!
Oh, hey.

Oh, wait. Mr. Shue,
I'm putting you on speaker!

I made it back just in time
for the last few pushes.

Emma's doing fine,
and so is the baby.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Yay!

Shut up and just tell us
what we need to know.

Boy or girl?

It's a boy.

It's a boy.

Yeah, we're naming him Daniel.

Daniel Finn Schuester.

Aw.

Hey, hey, how was...
how was the show?

It was amazing.
How do you feel?

Oh, for the first time
in my life, I feel...

completely happy.

How about you?

Same. I feel the exact same.

So, I got to run.

Okay, well, we love you.

Bye.

Bye. Love you,
Mr. Shue.

So... what now?

Well, it's morning.

I have an early
flight to catch.

Hey, I, uh... I don't
suppose I could convince you

to stay in New York
a little longer.

Um...

No. I have a school
to run and a daughter

that needs me, whose
father is Michael Bolton.

Wait. What?

Last night was
truly magical. I...

Oh, turns out I love New York,

and you are the reason why.

But, Mario,
I'm a Lima gal at heart.

I, uh... I love
living in a place

where "Hang On, Sloopy"
is the official state song.

Where the Y Bridge in Zanesville
spans the confluence

of the Muskingum and
Licking Rivers, making it

the only bridge in the world
that you can cross

and still be
on the same side of the river.

I love living in a place

that is home
to the world's largest basket,

located in Basket Village, USA.

I guess what I'm saying, Mario,

is, um, Sue Sylvester's
a big fish

who really kind of likes
swimming in a little pond.

I don't suppose

I could convince you
to, uh, pull up stakes and...

Uh, you know, I'm
a New Yorker, Sue.

So, uh, I guess that's it, huh?

I guess so.

It sure was nice getting
to know you, Sue Sylvester.

Yeah.

So long, Sue.

Ah.

Where to, lady?

Huh? I take.

Ah, ah, ah.
I...

Cra... crazy!

Drive the car.

Crazy lady.

I got it. I got it.

Thanks for making
me feel like a girl.

She wasn't right...

the short girl from the play.

You are lovable, Sue.

Let's get out of here.

Recently, I've gotten
in a lot of hot water

for some comments
I made on this broadcast.

Last week, I called
New York City an overpriced,

rat-infested hellhole that
smells like an adult diaper.

Well, let me be clear.

I stand by my comments.

Every word I said...
absolutely true.

Except for one thing.

I don't hate New York.

I love... New York.

There's nowhere on
earth quite like it.

There's no place so alive with
endless worlds of possibility.

Every time you step outside,

you find yourself
on an adventure

you never could have predicted.

Sure, you might get hit by a bus
or stop for pierogies

and end up being human
trafficked by the Russian Mob,

but if you're anything like this
champion cheerleading coach,

you just might also find love.

Or, at the very least,

a night of sturdy,
spirited lovemaking

with a relative stranger
in every corner of the apartment

of several
of your former students.

And that's how
Sue... sees it.