Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 4 - Duets - full transcript

Will's duet challenge, with a free meal for the winners, causes some relationship issues between the members of the club.

So here's
what you missed on Glee:

Tina dumped Artie
for Mike Chang.

in the shower.
And we'd like to talk
to you about Glee Club.

Finn thought Kurt was trying
to look at him in the shower,

so he called him a name

which totally got him
chewed out by Kurt's dad.

Maybe everyone should
just start taking baths.

And that's what you missed
on Glee!

(bell ringing)

All right, let's, uh,
let's gather round.

Sorry I'm late, guys.



I was with Principal Figgins.

Bad news, guys.
Puckerman's in Juvvie.

It really was just
a matter of time.

What did he do?

He drove his mom's Volvo through

the front of
a convenience store,

and drove off with the ATM.

(laughter)

A-A-And when is he getting out?

Unknown.

He might be the mbest
person on this planet,

and that's
coming from me.

Guys! Let's have some sympathy.

For a guy who put his
needs before the team's?



We need his voice, and his
bad-boy stage presence.

We can't look at this
as, as a crisis.

It's an opportunity.

For what?

Further embarrassment
and humiliation?

For welcoming our new member...
Sam Evans!

There he is.
How's it going?

Hey, everybody.
I'm Sam.

Sam... I am.

And I don't like
green eggs and ham.

Oh, wow.
He has no game.

Okay! This is
gonna be great.

You're not going to
regret joining, Sam.

Oh, good.

Sam, you sit right here.

WILL: All right!
Question for the group.

What's a duet?

A blanket.

A duet is when two voices
join to become one.

WILL: Great duets are like
a great marriage.

The singers complement
each other,

push each other to be better.

Now, some people...

Psst! He's on team gay.

No straight boy
dyes his hair

to look like Linda
Evangelista circa 1993.

You're crazy,
circa 2010.

WILL:
And that is what

duets are all about.

So, this week I want you
to pair up and sing a duet.

And since you guys all
seemed to love our little

"Defying Gravity" diva-off,
I'm making this a competition.

What's the winner get?

Dinner for two, on me...

at Breadstix.

(all gasping)
Breadstix!

(everyone
chattering excitedly)

Who you gonna
sing with, Kurt?

(bell ringing)

Hi. I'm Kurt Hummel.

Hey.

I just wanted to personally
welcome you to the glee club.

Thanks.

Just tell me.

Look... maybe at
your old school,

you could get away
with the whole

"I just stayed in the sun
all summer" excuse,

but I have three gifts:
my voice,

my ability to spot trends
in men's fashion,

and my ability to know when
it comes from a bottle.

I don't dye my hair, dude.

Yes, you do.

But it's just between friends.

That's not natural.

I'm gonna... go...

'cause you're kinda
freaking me out.

Wait, wait.

Maybe my instincts
were a little off.

Let me make it up to you.

Team up with me for
the duet competition.

Listen, unless you
team up with Rachel,

I am your best
bet at winning.

Aren't duets supposed to be
between, like, a girl and a guy?

Well, Gene Kelly and Donald
O'Connor would protest.

"Make'em Laugh"?

Sorry.

Singin' in the Rain.
1952.

Nothing. Okay, maybe
you are straight.

What?
Nothing. Listen, rent it.

and then look up the menu
for Breadstix online,

and call me, because
we are gonna win this.

(bell ringing)

BRITTANY:
I love your sweet lady kisses.

Mm-hmm.

It's a nice break from
all that scissoring.

We should do a
duet together.

We should sing Melissa
Ethridge's "Come To My Window."

First of all?

There's a lot of
talking going on,

and I wants ta
get my mack on.

Well... I don't know,
I just... I think we just...

Okay, second of all?

I'm not making out with you
because I'm in love with you

and want to sing about
making lady babies.

I'm only here because Puck's
been in the slammer

for about 12 hours now,
and I'm like a lizard.

I need something warm beneath
me, or I can't digest my food.

But who are you going
to sing a duet with?

(bell ringing)

Why would I want to do
a duet with you?

We can't stand each other.

Look, Wheezy, I realize

I've tried to punch you
a couple times,

and sometimes, when
you're not looking,

I puweird things
in your food.

But it's a new year,
and you and I

are the best singers
at this school.

I don't get what
the big deal is,

it's just a free trip
to Breadstix.

Um, I'm sorry, have you
been to Breadstix?

They are legally forbidden to
stop bringing you breadsticks.

One time I brought
a wheelbarrow,

and when the mager tried

to stop me from
filling it up,

I calleded the corporae
office and got her fired.

(sighs)

Well, I guess our voices
do sorta go together.

Mm-hmm, that's right, girl!

So if we do a duet
together, we will be

the undisputed top
bitches at this school.

(bell ringing)

You can't do this to him.

You're over-reacting.

If he sings with you,

you're painting a
bull's-eye on his back.

Once again, your closeted
homophobia seeps to the surface

like the contents of
a cracked cesspool.

Don't give me that.

Look, I know I shouldn't have
used that word in your basement,

but it's not like
you were innocent.

I really like you, Kurt.

But the fact
of the matter is,

the way you were all
over me last year?

if I did that to a girl, she'd
take out a restraining order.

You have issues with me
being gay, I get it.

No, actually, I don't.

I have issues with
the fact that

you don't understand
that no means no.

I just want to
sing with him.

Then you don't give
a damn about any of us.

If he sings with you,
I guarantee, within a week,

he'll take so much crap,

he'll have to quit Glee Club.

Your call, dude.

(Elton John & Kiki Dee's "Don't
Go Breakin' My Heart" begi)

♪ Don't go breakin' my heart ♪

♪ I couldn't if I tried ♪

♪ Oh honey, if I get restless ♪

♪ Baby, you're not the kind ♪

♪ Don't go breakin' my heart ♪

♪ You take the weight
off of me ♪

♪ Oh honey, when you
knock on my door ♪

♪ Ooh, I gave you my key ♪

BOTH:
♪ Ooh-hoo! ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ But when I was down ♪

♪ I was your clown ♪

♪ Hoo-hoo! ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Nobody knows it ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ Oh... oh ♪

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ Don't go breakin' my heart ♪

♪ I won't go breakin'
your heart ♪

♪ Don't go breakin' my ♪

BOTH:
♪ Don't go breakin' my ♪

♪ Don't go breakin' my heart ♪

♪ Don't go breakin' my ♪

BOTH:
♪ Don't go breakin' my heart ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

We're totally going
to win this thing.

I know.

Wow. Don't be sad.

I mean, Breadstix has these
vegan meatballs, they're...

they're okay.

I'm not really a nice person.

I'm selfish.

The fact is, is I'm
only really generous

if there's something
in it for me.

Yeah, but I
still like you.

But you, you're so...
kind, a-and open.

Well, it's made me
want to be a better person.

We have to throw
the competition.

I love Breadstix.

No, i-i-if we wanna
win at Nationals,

then Sam has to
win this contest.

Okay? He has to feel
like he belongs and,

and the team has
to believe in him.

Wow, Rachel, I never
seen you like this.

I'm kind of impressed.

Well, like I said...

you inspired me.

But technically,
you're doing this

because it'll help
us win Nationals,

which means there's
something in it for you,

so it doesn't really count
as you doing something nice.

Okay, so I'm just gonna
ignore what you just said

repeat what I said before:
we just have to find a way

for me to lose
a singing competition

so that the new kid
sticks around.

Right.

I don't want to do it.
We're duet partners--
you have to sing!

I don't even know
if I can sing.

Everyo knows I'm here
to do one thing: dance.

You sing and I'll
dance around you;
you'll be fine.
No, no.

We're singing together.

We are gonna win that
dinner at Breadstix,

and then we can finally
have a normal night out.

Normal? What do you mean?

We went out last night.

For dim sum.
With your mom.

All we ever do is get
dim sum with your mom!

Here we go.

Hi.

So, I just want
you to know

I'm really into you.

Okay.

Sorry, I'm...

just a little confused.

You've never even made
eye contact with me.

I know. For a while
I thought you were a robot.

TINA:
I'm not saying that

steamed pork knuckles
aren't delicious.

I'm just saying
that at Breadstix

they have bottomless
salad bowls,

they refill your salad
until you leave or pass out.

You can get salad
at dim sum.

My mom got salad
last night.

There were chicken feet in it.

It was a chicken
feet salad.

All I want is
a normal salad

that doesn't have
chicken feet in it!

So, let me get this straight.

You want to be my girlfriend

because... you like
the idea of...

...wheeling me around?

I just really want
to get you in a stroller.

MIKE:
You're not listening to me.

You don't care
about my needs!

Shh!

We're fighting a lot.

We should go to
Asian couples therapy.

Why does the couples therapy
have to be Asian?

So, I get to tell
everybody that we're dating?

Yes.

And I get a duet partner.

I don't see the big deal.

He e-mailed me, like,
60 MP3's of him singing,

and I thought it was Faith Hill.

The kid's good.

Look, this isn't about
how good Kurt is.

Being in Glee Club is like...

it's like walking down
the double yellow lines

of a highway.

If you get just
a little off course

you're gonna get crushed.

I got to be honest.

You're kind of confusing
my head right now.

I mean,
do you remember

what you said when

you talked me
into joining Glee Club?

(bell ringing)

Nationals are
in New York City.

Can you imagine
at it's going to be like

coming home
with that first-place trophy?

Most of the kids in this town
have never even seen the ocean.

We'll be gods.

I joined up
because I'm new here

and you said
it would make me popular,

and now you're telling me that
it's going to get me killed.

Well, eventually you're going
get popular from it,

believe me,
but until then,

you got to lay low
a little bit,

a-and singing a duet
with another dude

is not laying low.

I didn't realize you had
a problem with gay dudes.

Look, I don't have
a problem with gay dudes.

Everyone else does,
and we're living

in their world,
and in their world,

you singing a duet with Kurt
is a death sentence.

(sighs)

Well,

I gave him my word.

In my world, that's that.

Boom!

Welcome to Glee Club,
lady lips.

(laughter)

The blueberry flavor
is the worst,

especially if it gets
down your pants.

I looked like a creature
out of Avatar down there

when I got Slushied.

I saw Avatar,
like, six times.

Oh.

Anyway,
you'll get used to it.

You're the head cheerleader.

Why do you even bother?

I mean, you don't
need Glee Club.

I like to sing...
and the fact is

those guys were
pretty cool to me

last year
when I wasn't on top.

What's the point
of being popular

when you can't do
what you want?

Lor manari.

It means you have
pretty eyes.

It's Nav'i... the
Avatar language.

Lor manari.

First course is served.

Heart-healthy
vegan carrot soup

with whole grain
croutons,

and you'd better eat
all of it.

Do you have any idea how hard it
is to find saffron in this town?

All right, let me eat
this at the table.

You could make a
plaster cast of my ass

with the cushions
from this couch.

Absolutely not.

I am in charge
of your care from now on.

You had a serious
arrhythmia, Dad.

The doctors say you need to
rest until your stress test.

You're my stress test.

Guess this means
I can't get salt?

(sighs)

Chin up.

What's up?

How's school?

(sighs)

It's fine, I guess.

There's this new kid Sam
in Glee Club.

He and I are singing
a duet together.

Is that a problem?

Finn practically
begged me not to.

He said it'd ruin
Sam's reputation.

Well, this kid
Sam, uh...

you know, does he, he
play for your team?

Undetermined.

Oh.

Maybe Finn has a point.

You're siding with him

after what he called me
in our basement?

I was talking to Carole, and you
weren't totally honest with me.

She told me that you
had a crush on Finn

and you weren't
afraid to show it.

Is this true?

So a gay guy
can't be friendly

to a straight guy
without it being predatory?

You got to understand

that most guys don't
know how to deal

with unwanted advances.

So you're saying I shouldn't
sing with this Sam guy

because it might upset
a couple homophobes?

I thought you said no one
pushes the Hummels around.

(sighs)

No one does.

I-I'm, I'm not saying that.

I-I'm, I'm saying

that maybe it's
you who's pushing

this kid Sam around,
trying to take advantage of him

because you're interested
in him.

Dad, you have no idea
what it's like.

I am the only openly gay kid
at school, in this town.

I mean, why can't I walk
hand in hand

down the hall
with a person that I like?

Why can't I slow-dance
at my prom?

Come here.

You think I don't want
those things for you?

I do.

You know, until
you find somebody

as open and as
brave as you,

you're just going to have to
get used to going it alone.

(Ike and Tina Turner's "River
Deep - Mountain High" playing)

♪ When I was a little girl ♪

♪ I had a rag doll ♪

♪ Only doll
I've ever owned ♪

♪ Now I love you
just the way ♪

♪ I loved that rag doll ♪

♪ But only now
my love ♪

♪ Has grown ♪

MERCEDES:
♪ And it gets stronger ♪

♪ In every way ♪

♪ And it gets higher ♪

BOTH:
♪ Day by day ♪

♪ Do I love you? ♪

♪ My, oh, my ♪

♪ River deep, mountain high ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If I lost you, would I cry? ♪

♪ Oh, how I love you, baby ♪

♪ Baby, bab baby ♪

♪ I love you, baby ♪

♪ Like a flower loves
the spring ♪

♪ And I love you,
baby, like a robin ♪

♪ Loves to sing ♪

♪ And I love you, baby ♪

♪ Like a schoolboy
loves his bag ♪

BOTH:
♪ And I love you, baby,
river deep ♪

♪ Mountain high ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh... baby ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah ♪

BOTH:
♪ Do I love you? ♪

♪ My, oh, my, yeah ♪

♪ River deep, mountain high ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If I lost you, would I cry? ♪

♪ Oh, how I love you, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby. ♪

(song ends)

(cheering and applause)
Whoo!
Yes, yes, yes.

Whoo!

Again, again, again.

Ladies, nice work.

What an incredible song.

SANTANA: And just so you know,
I've already bought custom bibs

for me and Mercedes here.

You know why?

'Cause we's be going...

MERCEDES and SANTANA:
To Breadstix.

(chuckles)

Yes.
You hear that, guys?

You have your work
cut out for you.

Don't worry,

I'm not going to go
all Shawshank on you.

This is kind of weird.

Guys usually don't talk
to each other in here.

Well, this can't wait.

I'm setting you free.

You can do your duet
with someone else in Glee,

someone that the world deems
more appropriate.

Did I do something
to offend you?

No, no, I...

It's not you, it's me.

You've been honorable,
actually,

and I wish you
the best,

but I've realized that I need
to sing with someone

that matches my passion
and talent level.

Who's that?

You know, they make
special shampoo

for color-treated hair.

I don't dye my hair.

Uh-huh.

This is a disaster.

Could you stop pacing?

It's stressing me out.

It's just,
being the "it couple"

is so much harder
than I thought.

I-I am so stumped
at how to lose this thing.

Wait, I got it.

You remember we saw
Grease and it was good,

and then we saw Grease 2,
and I fell asleep,

but you said
the difference

was that the songs were bad.
Were bad.

Yeah

If we want to lose,

we have to do a song that's bad.

Not just a bad song,
an offensive song.

(claps)

Yes!
Artie.
Mm-hmm.

Can we talk?
Yeah.

I want us to be
duet partners.

Really?

We sing really well
together.

I just thought
if we won,

we could share a nice,
free dinner together

as friends.

We haven't
really talked.

Well, Tina, as
rich as I find it

that you've come
crawling back,

I'll have
you know that

not only do I have
a duet partner

but that our
working relationship

has blossomed into romance.

If you'll excuse me.

WILL:
Okay, guys, so...

who is up first today?

Mr. Shue, if I may.

You may.

As many of you know,
I had a duet partner,

but due to sensitivities
I'd rather not get into

at the moment, I have
dissolved the partnership.

Okay, so who are you going
to sing a duet with?

Only the most talented member
of the glee club-- myself.

When you're different,
when you're special,

sometimes you have
to get used to being alone.

I've asked a few members
of the glee club

as well as some Cheerios!
to help me out.

How can you do a duet
by yourself?

That's like vocal masturbation
or something.

(scattered snickering)

I will be
doing a number

from the seminal classic
movie Victor/Victoria.

It's a show about embracing
both the male

and the female sides.

Watch and learn, Santana.

Hit it.

("Le Jazz Hot" playing)

♪ 'Bout 20 years ago ♪

♪ Way down in New Orleans ♪

♪ A group of fellers found ♪

♪ A new kind of music ♪

♪ And they decided to call it ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

♪ No other sound has ♪

♪ What this music has ♪

♪ Before they knew it ♪

♪ It was whizzin'
'round the world ♪

♪ The world was ready ♪

♪ For a blue kind of music ♪

♪ And now they play it ♪

♪ From Steamboat Springs ♪

♪ To La Paz ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Won't you play me ♪

♪ Le Jazz Hot ♪

♪ Maybe, and don't ever ♪

♪ Let it end ♪

♪ I tell ya, friend,
it's really something ♪

♪ To hear ♪

♪ I can't sit still ♪

♪ When there's that rhythm ♪

♪ Near me ♪

♪ When you play me ♪

♪ Le Jazz Hot, baby ♪

♪ You're holding my soul ♪

♪ Together ♪

♪ Don't know
whether it's morning ♪

♪ Or night ♪

♪ Only know it sounded right ♪

♪ So come on in ♪

♪ And play me ♪

♪ Le Jazz Hot ♪

♪ Baby, 'cause ♪

♪ I love my jazz ♪

♪ Hot... ♪

(holding note)

♪ Le... ♪

♪ Jazz... ♪

(holding low note):
♪ Hot... ♪

(rising in pitch)

(note getting louder and higher)

(holding high note
in falsetto range)

(percussion solo playing)

(fingers snap)

Le Jazz Hot.

(song ends, laughter, whooping)

(people whistling)

Yeah!
Yeah!

(applause, indistinct shouts)

I love astronomy.

Something about all that space

makes my problems
seem kind of small.

That one's Venus.

Planet of love.

It's actually Mars,
planet of war.

Which one are we on?

Earth.

So why don't you
come back to it

and talk to me
about duets.

Tell me why I should
be singing with you.

Okay.

Well, I want to start off
with the choreography.

Singing will be easy,
so I'll start playing...

(chords strumming)

All right, now
get behind me.

(quietly): Get behind me.

(continues strumming)

Good.

Now grab my hips.

And start swaying.

All right, now,
here's the cool part.

(stops strumming)
Give me your hand.

Do you know how to play?

(whispers):
No.

All right, it's easy.

Just put that
finger there.

Just like that.

(strumming quietly)

Now do it fast
back and forth.

(chord changes)

There you go.

(chord changes)

(slowly stops strumming)

No. No, I can't do this.

Th year is about me.

And don't say that I'm selfish,
because you have no idea

how much I've given.
I wasn't... I wasn't gonna...

I've been down this path before;
I know this feeling.

(anxious sigh)
Like, I need you.

Duets don't work for me,
and I don't need you.

What I need is to find a way
to keep Santana off my heels.

I'm... I'm sorry...
What I need is to find a
way to torture Rachel.

And I need to start
learning to ignore people.

And I'm sorry,
I shouldn't...

I shouldn't have tried that.

I'm sorry.

I made a mistake,
and, um...

I don't want to
sing with you.

(bell rings)

I don't think I could do this.

It's the perfect song
for this very situation.

Whenever you're ready, guys.

SANTANA: Yeah, hurry up;
I needs to get myself

to Breadstix.

Don't count on it.

I'm mad at you, but
you're still so hot.

Trust me, you're
gonna be great.

♪ See, I really couldn't sing ♪

♪ I could
never really sing ♪

♪ What I couldn't do is ♪
♪ Sing ♪

♪ I have trouble with the ♪

♪ Note ♪
♪ It goes all
around my ♪

♪ Throat ♪
♪ It's a
terrifying ♪

♪ Thing ♪
♪ See, I really couldn't ♪

♪ Hear which note
was lower or was♪

♪ Higher ♪
♪ Which is why ♪

♪ I disappear if
someone says ♪

♪ Let's start a ♪
♪ Choir ♪

♪ Hey, when I begin to...
♪ Squeak ♪

♪ It's a cross between a... ♪
♪ Shriek ♪

♪ And a quiver or a... ♪
Moan ♪

♪ It's a little like a... ♪
♪ Croak ♪

♪ Or the record player... ♪ B♪

♪ What it doesn't have is... ♪
♪ Tone ♪

♪ Oh, I know you're thinking
what a crazy ♪

(tempo slows)
♪ Ding-a-ling ♪

♪ But I really couldn't ♪
♪ Sing ♪

♪ I could never really ♪
♪ Sing ♪

♪ What I couldn't do is ♪
♪ Sing ♪

But what I lack in pitch,

I sure make up in...

♪ Power... ♪

And all my

friends say I am
perfect for the...

♪ Shower! ♪

♪ Still...
I'm terrific at a ♪
♪ Dance ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm
messing up my ♪
♪ Pants ♪

♪ I'm a birdie on the ♪
♪ Wing ♪

♪ But if I begin to ♪
♪ Chirp ♪

♪ They say who's the little ♪
♪ Twerp ♪

♪ Going pong instead of ♪
♪ Ping ♪

♪ And when Christmas comes,
and all my friends go ♪

ALL (tempo slowing):
♪ Caroling... ♪

♪ It is so dishearten ♪
♪ Ning ♪

♪ It is so disquiet ♪
♪ Ting ♪

♪ It is so discourage ♪
♪ Ging ♪

♪ Darling, please stop answer ♪

♪ Ring ♪

♪ See, I really
couldn't ♪
♪ Sing ♪

♪ What I couldn't
do is ♪

♪ Do re mi fa so la to do,
do re mi fa so la ti do ♪

♪ La ♪
♪ La ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ La... ♪

♪ Sing, sing, sing,
sing, sing, sing ♪

(shrieks):
♪ Sing! ♪

(song ends)

(laughs)
Wow!

Now, that
is a duet!

Thank you, Tina,
for introducing us

to the amazing voice
of Mike Chang!

That was good.

(groans)

You tried to kiss her?
Major Glee party foul, dude.

Look, I know I shouldn't have.

She was just sending
me these vibes.

And those eyes.

Hey, Quinn, can we talk?

What do you want
to talk about?
About Sam. I-I heard

that you backed out of
doing the duet with him.

Maybe it's for the best
she backed out.

I mean, if that Puckerman kid
ever gets out of jail,

he's gonna
beat my ass.

I'm sure you still have
feelings for her, too.

No, no, no way.
I'm with Rachel now.

I mean, she's a lot
shorter than Quinn

and she talks a lot,
but I'm in love with her.

Look, th-this isn't
about dating, dude.

This is about you
singing with Quinn

to raise your musical rep
in the group.

Look, I understand
that your reputation
is important to you, but...

wouldn't you want
to do whatever it
takes to be on top

of the proverbial pyramid in
every aspect of your life?

Singing with Sam
won't change that.

Oh, but winning
the competition will.

And partnering with Sam is
really your only shot at it.

What's your angle?

Angle?
What's your
angle?

Me winning means you losing,

and you'll do whatever
it takes to make sure

that doesn't happen,
so what is in it for you?

Look, I agree.

Okay? You're probably not
gonna beat Finn and I,

but I just thought that,

as the team captain, it
would be good for the team

to have some healthy competition
for second place.

FINN:
Look, I'm not saying you're
gonna win, but I'm just saying

that, you know,
even coming in second

would go a long way with
the rest of the team.

(bell rings)
Hey.

Listen, I was totally
out of line with you.

I promise it won't
happen again,

though you might have
to wear sunglasses
whenever we're together.

Good. Because we're gonna
have to spend a lot of
time together practicing

if we're gonna win
that dinner at Breadstix.

(playing notes)

♪ Oh, oh, yay... ♪

Just like that.

(playing notes)

(slightly off-key):
♪ Oh, oh, yay... ♪

Tina used to make runs
look so easy, but...

I guess they
aren't for everybody.
Wait.

(slightly off-key):
♪ Oh, oh, yay... ♪

Nailed it.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

I just can't.
I'm sorry.

Uh, why... why
can't you do this?

I thought I was
over somebody, but I...

I still think
I have feelings for them.

The Clintons?

Tina.

I'm sorry.

Wait, don't leave.

You want to get
over Tina, right?

(whispers):
Let me help you.

What are you...
what are you doing?

I mean, you're on the
football team now anyways.

So...

we're gonna get around
to this at some point.

Hold up.

Am I about to lose
my virginity?

Before our duet,
we're gonna do it.

(Billy Preston & Syreeta's "With
You, I'm Born Again" begins)

♪ Come give me ♪

♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Your sweetness ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Now there's you,
there is no weakness ♪

♪ Now there's you,
there is no ♪

♪ Weakness ♪
♪ Lying safe within your arms ♪

♪ I'm born again... ♪

♪ Woman, don't you know
with you I'm born again ♪

♪ I was half, not whole ♪

♪ Instead with none ♪

♪ Reaching through this world ♪

♪ In need of one ♪

This isn't happening.

♪ Come show me ♪

♪ Your kindness ♪

♪ In your arms
I know I'll find this ♪

♪ Woman ♪

BOTH:
♪ Don't you know with you ♪

♪ I'm born again ♪

♪ Lying safe with you ♪

♪ I'm born ♪

♪ A... gain... ♪

(holding note)

(song ends)

Okay, do I even
need to say it?

(chuckles)
That was really rude.

It was, like, really rude.

QUINN:
I seriously wanted

to punch both of you.

I have to agree.

It's a great duet,

but what you guys did with it
was... really inappropriate.

Your costume choice

was a little
insensitive.

Frankly...

I'm disappointed.

What?!

Are you serious? I'm...

Shocked.
Shocked.

RACHEL:
We're... We're shocked.

I-I... I really hope that this
doesn't cost us the competition.

Yeah, uh...
Hey.

Let's sit down. Come.

WILL:
Well,

getting back on track,
who's next?

All right.

Okay, I just want to say
I'm really excited,

and that

I couldn't have asked
for a better partner.

(Jason Mraz's and Colby
Caillat's "Lucky" begins)

♪ Do you hear me? ♪

♪ I'm talking to you
across the water ♪

♪ Across the deep blue ocean ♪

♪ Under the open sky ♪

♪ Oh, my, baby, I'm trying ♪

♪ Boy, I hear you
in my dreams ♪

♪ I feel your whisper
across the sea ♪

♪ I keep you with me
in my heart ♪

♪ You make it easier
when life gets hard ♪

♪ I'm lucky I'm in love
with my best friend ♪

♪ Lucky to have been
where I have been ♪

♪ Lucky to be coming home
again ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ They don't know ♪
♪ They don't know ♪

♪ How long it takes ♪
♪ How long it takes ♪

♪ Waiting for love like this ♪

♪ Every time ♪

♪ Every time ♪
♪ We say good-bye ♪

♪ We say good-bye ♪

♪ I wish we had one more kiss ♪

♪ I'll wait for you,
I promise you ♪

♪ I will ♪

♪ I'm ♪

BOTH:
♪ Lucky I'm in love
with my best friend ♪

♪ Lucky to have been
where I have been ♪

♪ Lucky to be coming home
some day ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... ♪

So frickin' charming.

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh. ♪

(song ends)

(applause)

(bell ringing)

You're-You're breaking up
with me?

All you wanted was a free dinner
at Breadstix.

But I really wanted
to go with you.

I was going to order us

one really, really long
piece of spaghetti

like in Lady and the Tramp.

I've been practicing
nudging the meatballs

across the table with my nose.

You used me
for my voice.

That's the only reason
you had sex with me.

I have it on good authority.

She's using you
for your voice.

That's the only reason
she had sex with you.

Wait. How did you know that?

Hi. Excuse me.
Do you know Brittany?

Cheerios! Brittany?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah. We had sex.

Hmm. Look, I don't
mean to be a bitch--

well, yeah, actually, I do--

but the only thing
that you can give Brittany

that she can't get
from someone else

is ser choice parking.

I know that sex
don't mean anything to you,

but did you ever think
how much it means to me?

After my accident,

we didn't know if I'd ever
be able even to do that.

And when I found out
that I could,

it seemed like
some kind of miracle,

and you just walked
all over that.

You're not my
partner anymore.

I told Mr. Shue I'm pulling out
of the duet competition.

Artie, I didn't know. I'm...

I'm so sorry.

Okay, since Artie
and Brittany have dropped

out of the race, I guess it's
time to take it to a vote.

Well, even though
it looks like

just about everyone voted
for themselves--

even those who didn't compete--

we do have a winner.

And the winner is...

...by two votes...

...Sam and Quinn.

What? What?

Screw that!
I want my stix!

Ooh, let it go.
Let go. Let it go!

Unbelievable.

It was mine! No, I don't
know how this happened.

Son.

Unbelievable.

(sighs happily)

(quietly):
This is so not a date.

We did it, babe.

(bell ringing)

Hey, I had something
I wanted to talk to you about.

Oh, please not
another pregnancy.

I think that you and I are
a little bit more similar

than you think.

That's a terrible thing to say.

I know you're lonely.

I can't even imagine
how hard it must be

to have feelings in high
school that you can't act on

for fear of being humiliated,
ridiculed or worse.

We're going to win
Nationals this year,

and you know how
we're ing to do that?

Because we have you.

That's true.

That's 12 people
who love you just

for being exactly
the way that you are.

Look, I'm know
you're lonely, but...

you're not alone.

So, I was wondering

if you would maybe want
to sing a duet with me?

I think you'll be really
happy with my song selection.

It's sort of everything
that both you and I love.

But the, uh, duet
competition is over.

I know. I just...

I thought this one
could be for me and you.

(bell ringing)

You know, I hear they don't even
make these fresh.

They fly them in frozen
from some factory

in the Dominican Republic.

I once caught some pretty sweet
waves down in the Dominican.

Hey, hey, hey.

Uh-uh.

Come on.

It's my Matthew McConaughey
impression-- come on.

Does that work on the girls
where you're from?

The impressions,
the bad jokes,

the Nav'i?

Uh, I don't know.
I don't know.

I went to an all-boys
boarding school.

Makes sense.

It must be hard.

I think if I went through
what you went through last year,

I would have transferred
to a school on the moon

or something,
out of embarrassment.

Okay, that-that didn't
come out right. I mean,

you're really brave
to come back like you have.

I don't judge you or anything.

I know what it's like
to have a...

secret that you're ashamed of.

Oh, holy crap. So you...

So you are gay?

(laughs):
What?

No. Not at all.

When I found out
I was moving here,

I wanted to seem cool, you know?

Figured if I looked
like Swayze in Point Break,

people might think
I was a surfer or something.

(laughs)

I didn't think it
through very clearly.

So... I put lemon juice
in my hair.

I would have gotten away
with it, if it hadn't been

for Kurt and his sixth sense.

I think it looks cute.

Really?

(laughs)

(sighs)

What are you doing?

We're not using that.

You're paying.

Why?

Because a gentleman always
pays on the first date.

("Get Happy" and "Happy Days
are Here Again" begins)

♪ Forget your troubles ♪

♪ Happy days ♪

♪ Come on get happy ♪

♪ Are here again ♪

♪ You better chase ♪

♪ The skies ♪
♪ All your cares away ♪

RACHEL:
♪ Above are clear again ♪

KURT:
♪ Shout hallelujah ♪

RACHEL:
♪ So let's sing a song ♪

KURT:
♪ Come on, get happy ♪

RACHEL:
♪ Of cheer again ♪

KURT: ♪ Get ready
for the judgment day ♪

RACHEL:
♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ The sun is shining ♪

♪ Come on get happy ♪

RACHEL:
♪ Shining now ♪

KURT:
♪ The Lord is waiting ♪

RACHEL:
♪ There's no one ♪

♪ To take your hand ♪

♪ Who can doubt it now ♪

♪ Shout hallelujah ♪

♪ So let's tell the world ♪

♪ And just get happy ♪

♪ About it now ♪

♪ We're going ♪

RACHEL:
♪ Happy days ♪

KURT:
♪ To the promised land ♪

♪ Are here again ♪

KURT: ♪ We're heading
cross the river ♪

♪ Soon your cares
will all be gone ♪

RACHEL: ♪ They'll be no more
from now on ♪

BOTH:
♪ From now on ♪

♪ Forget your troubles ♪

♪ Oh, happy days ♪

♪ And just get happy ♪

♪ Are here again ♪

♪ You better chase ♪

♪ The skies... ♪

♪ All your blues away ♪

♪ Above are clear again ♪

♪ Shout hallelujah ♪

♪ So let's sing a song ♪

KURT:
♪ And just get happy ♪

RACHEL:
♪ Of cheer again ♪

♪ Happy times ♪

♪ Happy times ♪

♪ Happy nights ♪

♪ Happy nights ♪

BOTH:
♪ Happy days ♪

♪ Are ♪

♪ Here ♪

♪ Again! ♪