Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 14 - Blame It on the Alcohol - full transcript

Principal Figgins expects the glee club to help promote Alcohol Awareness week. Schuester eagerly accepts and chooses it as song selection theme, but Sue maximizes Will's embarrassment after discovering he let coach Beiste drag him along to a country bar with song, dance and alcohol. The kids can't resist the forbidden fruit that is dangling before them, only to be cured by their hangovers.

Here's what you missed.
Quinn was dating Sam.

Then she kissed Finn.
Santana told Sam.

- Now they've started dating.
- Biebalicious.

Will's not dating anyone
and says he's over Emma...

but it seems like he's still got a thing
for her even though she's married.

Kurt's really into Blaine
and Blaine likes Kurt...

but he says he just
wants to stay friends.

And that's what you missed on Glee.


- You wanted to see me?
- William, we have an epidemic on our hands.

- Head lice?
- Worse. Giggle juice.

I'm sorry. What?

Alcohol, William. The wet devil.

Our children are so brazen...

they're showing up to school wasted.

And not wasted on learning,
Will- wasted on booze.

Why, just this week,
we've had five suspensions...

for intoxication on school grounds.


You rock!

Yeah, man!

Six suspensions.

I don't get it. Drinking's never been
a problem at this school.

That's because there are new alcoholic
beverages targeted to kids, Will.

Just listen to the radio.
Pop music now glorifies binge drinking.

Just listen to any hit
by pop sensation "Ke-dollar-sign-ha."

Oh. You- You mean Ke$ ha?

We must do something
to protect our children, Will.

I-I totally agree. How-How can I help?

I have decided to make this week...

Alcohol Awareness Week at McKinley.

I have contacted Kitty Dukakis, who will
be the guest speaker at an assembly...

where your Glee Club will perform a song...

highlighting the dangers
of teenage drinking.

Can I count on you, William?

- Emma?
- Hi.

Enough with us not being friends.

I heard through the grapevine...

that you and Carl started
looking for a tract house.

I just wanted to say that I'm
genuinely happy for you.

Thank you. That's really sweet.


Do you want to catch up?

Yeah. Sure.

How have you been?

Busy. Yeah.

Glee Club's gearing up for regionals...

I, um, love hearing about the Glee Club...

but I'm actually more interested in you...

you know, how you're doing.

- Me?
- Are you dating anybody?

- No.
- No?

Maybe you should.

You know, Ella, I think Will should really
concentrate on his treatment...

before he tries another relationship
with an early hominid...

even a human female.

- Treatment?
- Alcoholics Anonymous, Will.

I suggest you preemptively check into
rehab, as you are a future alcoholic.

I mean, come on. Look where you are.

You're coaching a glee club
that can only beat choirs of old people.

You're rehashing the details
of your failed marriage...

with the very lemur who rejected the bestial
horror of your craven sexual advances.

And when my glee club
crushes you at regionals...

well, the last ounce of meaning
will drain from your life...

and you will turn to drink.

I don't get it.
How is it you're now coaching a glee club?

I was so inspired by my stint
in the Glee Club...

that I took the trip to Westvale
and I volunteered my help.

Unfortunately, the chipper homosexual
who coaches Aural Intensity...

had a terrible fall down the stairs.

I'm okay. Don't worry.

Not to be alarmed.
Doctors say he will be fine...

provided they can get
the swelling in his brain under control.

Okay, sorry. I still don't understand.

How can the school
let you coach Aural Intensity?

News flash, Imelda.

There's no one lining up
to coach glee clubs...

because it's a sucky job for losers.

But there was an opening,
and I am a champion.

Oh, Will. Here's the book by Bill W...

outlining the 12 steps
of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I can't wait for you to start
climbing those steps.

'Cause when you get to the top...

I'm gonna knock you back down.

Whassup, my hot little
Jewish-American Princess?

What do you want, Puckerman?

Word on the street is your dads are
out of town and you're alone in your house.

They are on the Rosie O'Donnell cruise.

Who told you that?

This is the kind of information
a guy like me tends to know.

So, uh, party this Saturday?

I'll bring the beer ball.
That's a minikeg.

Forget it.

Oh, come on. Just the Glee kids.

We're losing our minds,
all stressed about sectionals and stuff.


Besides, you just want a place
to have sex and get drunk.

Yeah. There's a word for that- a party.

No. No.

My dads, they left me alone in my house...

because they trusted me to be responsible.

They left you alone
'cause you suck and are a total bore.

- Hey.
- Yo.

- How's the songwriting going?
- Hey. It's going amazing.

I might have a really big hit,
which is why I wanted you to come by.

I wanted you to hear it.

Oh. Yeah. Cool.

Come here.

- What was that for?
- To break the tension.

We were boyfriend and girlfriend, Finn.

It's silly for us to pretend like we
aren't comfortable around each other.

Yeah. Totally.

I know that we have
some unresolved feelings...

but, like my two new role models
Carole King and Gerry Goff in...

I think it's important
that we just put them aside...

and stay focused on our mission...

which is just to write an amazing song
to win regionals with.

Well, I have no idea who those people are.

But I'm on board. Let's hear it.

It's just- It's a little rough.

But, uh, I think it's really special.

# There you rest #

# With all the rest #

# Of my accessories on my nightstand #

# You're red or yellow #

# And like a good fellow #

# Sometimes you get lost in my mess #

# But when schoolgirl pigtails won't do #

# And I need to control my do #

# You're the only one I can count on #

# My headband #

# You're my headband #

# Wrapped right around my melon #

- # You're a product like Magellan-##
- Uh.

Hold- Hold on. Hold on.

Is this song about your headband?

- Yes. It's called "My Headband."
- Right.

They say you should write
about what you know.

Well, uh, it's really... interesting...

but it's not emotional or, like, good.

- It sucks.
- Yeah.

How am I supposed to write a song
like Joni Mitchell or Carole King?

- They've lived.
- Well, maybe if you want to be an artist like them...

you should... do a little living.

You're so right.

I mean, even now,
it-it- it's Alcohol Awareness Week...

and we're supposed to sing songs
about the dangers of drinking...

and I've never even had a drink.

Wait. Seriously?

That's why I never got past second base.

- Wait. Where are you going?
- To find Puckerman.

You know, my journey from little princess
to "natural woman"...

begins this Saturday night at my house.

It sounds awful. Is anybody going?

Let me find out.

Did you hear?

Yes. Mercedes just told me.

Tell them I'll go if they go.

Tell them yourself.
I ain't no pony express.

You're going, right?

Only if there's liquor, because a Rachel
Berry party is not something I can do sober.

But it's Alcohol Awareness Week.

Precisely. And I am aware
of how much fun alcohol is.

- Let's ask Puckerman.
- You're go for Puck.

Noah, it's Santittany and Artcedes.

Can your friend score us
some wine coolers?

No, but his I.D. can.

Well, if we're all in, it's settled.

The Rachel Berry house party train
wreck extravaganza is officially a go.


Kurt. Blaine.

I wasn't expecting you guys.

Kurt's been blackmailing me
ever since he saw my browser history.

He kind of insisted on coming.

I'm totally off the clock
right now, Rachel.

I'm not a Warbler. I'm just Blaine.

I'm not even wearing my uniform.

So, this is your dads' Oscar room.

Yes. They transformed our
ordinary basement...

- for our famous annual Oscar parties.
- Is that a stage?

I kind of like to give impromptu
performances for our neighbors sometimes.

Hey, girlfriend. Having fun?


Awesome party.

Uh, okay. Let's, uh-
Let's go over the rules.

Everybody gets two drink tickets
to keep things from getting out of hand.

We are serving wine coolers today.

That is our specialty drink.

It's actually all we have.

Brittany! Remember the rules.
No sitting on anything.

Okay. Okay, everybody.


Great party, Rachel. We gotta run.

Yeah, dinner reservations.

But-But we- We haven't even
played celebrity yet.


Wh- Why is everybody leaving?

Because this party blows.

I haven't even had my first sip yet.

How am I supposed to write "Both Sides Now"
if I can't even throw a party?

Look, if you want everyone to stay...

you have to let me
break in your dads' liquor cabinet.

No one's gonna get buzzed
off two wine coolers.

I'll replace it before they get home.

Let's party!

# Poppin' bottles in the Ice #

# Like a blizzard #

# Now I'm feelin'so fly like a G6 #

- Let's go!
- # Like a G6, like a G6 #

# Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6 #

Mike, get off!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

It tastes like pink.

It tastes like pink!


- Are you not drinking?
- No. Designated driver.

- What about you?
- I'm still trying to impress Blaine.

Can't get too sloppy.

Clearly, he doesn't have
the same concern.


It is so cool
that you and Kurt are brothers.

Right? Like, brothers!

Wow! You're so tall.

- You having fun, Blaine?
- Yeah.

This is the best party ever!

Finny. Dance with me.

We had it going on, right?

I wasn't making it up or anything?

I would do anything for you. Anything!

- Okay, Rachel. Since this is your first time at this-
- Sit down?

- I'm gonna break it down for you.
- Okay.

Guys and girls fall into certain
archetypes when they get drunk.

Exhibit "A":
Santana- the weepy, hysterical drunk.

You like her more than me.

She's blonde and awesome and so smart.

Admit it. Just admit it!

No! Kiss me!

Lauren Zizes and Quinn-
the "anger girl" drunks.

I can't believe what you did to my body.

- I used to have abs.
- Back off.

- Who told you that hairstyle was cool- Geronimo?
- Chill out.

Brittany- also known as the " girl who
turns into a stripper" drunk.

# Makin' it rain #

That's my girlfriend. I love you, baby.

Mercedes and Tina- "happy girl" drunks.

Oh! Oh!

And then we come around
full circle right back to you, Rachel.

And right now you're being
the "needy girl" drunk.

Hanging all over me, being overly lovey.

It's not cool.

Well, what kind of girl is this?

Let's spin the bottle!

Who wants to play spin the bottle?

Spin the bottle.

# Feelin' so fly like a G6 ##

# Johnny, what's the deal, boy? #

You know what? A reminder...

I owns that guppy mouth.

Those trouty Aerosmith lips
belong to me, so...

You know what this is not? Hey, honeys.

It's not a Big Red commercial.
No me gusta.

Whoo! Party!

It's my turn! It's my turn!


This is outstanding!

Blaine Warbler, I'm gonna rock your world.

Yeah! Deep! Deep!

More! More! More! More!

# Johnny, are you queer, boy? #

# Johnny, are you queer, boy? ##

Okay, I think we've had enough of that.

- Okay!
- Yeah!

Your face tastes awesome.

That was crazy.

I think I just found a new duet partner!

# You were working as a waitress
in a cocktail bar #

- # When I met you #
- # You #

# I picked you out, I shook you up
and turned you around #

- # Turned you into someone new #
- # New #

- # Don't- Don't you want me? #
- # Don't #

# You know I can't believe it
when I hear that you won't see me #

- # Don't- Don't you want me? #
- # Don't, don't #

# You know I don't believe it
when you say that you don't need me #

# It's much too late to find
you think you've changed your mind #

# You'd better change it back
or we will both be sorry #

# Don't you want me, baby? #

# Don't you want me?
Oh, oh #

# Don't you want me, baby? #

# Don't you want me?
Oh, oh #

# I was working as a waitress
in a cocktail bar #

- # That much is true #
- # True #

# But even then I knew I'd find
a much better place #

- # Either with or without you #
- # Without you #

- # Don't #
- # Don't #

- # Don't you want me? #
- # Don't you want me? #

# You know I can't believe it
when I hear that you won't see me #

# It's much too late to find
you think you've changed your mind #

# You'd better change it back
or we will both be sorry #

# Don't you want me, baby? #

I want you. I do.

# Don't you want me?
Oh, oh #

- # Don't you want me, baby? #
- # Oh, oh #

# Don't you want me?
Oh, oh #

# Don't you want me, baby? ##

Hey, Kurt, come give me
a hand with these eggs.

I'll be down in a minute.

What the hell is a shirred egg?

Is that- Is that the same thing
as a scrambled egg?

Hey, what's this?

Today was the day you were
gonna teach me all about brunch.

I'll be down in a sec.

Oh, where am I?

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. My bad.

I need to close my locker,
and it's gonna sound like a gunshot.

I have had the worst hangover
since Saturday, and it's Monday.

I've been dry-heaving all weekend.

When my mother asked
what the sound was...

I said that I was practicing birdcalls.

- You guys, I can't stop barfing.
- Please don't say "barf."

I caught a whiff of hair spray and went
full Linda Blair in the girls' bathroom.

I told my mom I had the flu...

and she made me a traditional tea
made out of panda hair.

Can we talk about anything else?

How about some Bloody Marys, y'all?

Are you kidding me?
The last thing I want to do is drink.

It'll help your hangover.
That's what Bloody Marys are for.

Hair of the dog that done bit yo' ass.

# Blame it on the Goose
Got you feelin' loose #

# Blame it on the 'Tron
Got you in the zone #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-a-a-alcohol #

# Eh, she say she usually don't #

# But I know that she front #

# 'Cause shorty know
what she want #

# But she don't wanna
seem like she's easy #

# I ain't saying what you won't do #

# But you know we probably gonna do #

# What you've been feelin' deep inside #

# Don't lie now #

# Boy, what you drinkin'? #

# Gonna let it sink in #

# Here for the weekend thinkin' #

# We can see what we can be
if we press fast-forward #

# Just one more round
and you're down, I know it #

# Fill another cup up
Feelin' on your butt, what? #

# You don't even care now #

# I was unaware how fine you was #

# Before my buzz set in #

# My buzz set in #

- # Blame it on the Goose Got you feelin' loose #
- # Blame it on the Goose #

# Blame it on the 'Tron
Got you in the zone #

- # Alcohol #
- # Blame it on a-a-a- a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the vodka
Blame it on the Henny #

# Blame it on the blue top
Got you feelin' dizzy #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-a-a-alcohol #

# Now to the ballas poppin' bottles
with their Henny in their cups #

# Screamin' money ain't a thing
if you ain't throw it up #

- # In the sky #
- # In the sky #

- # And hold your drinks up high #
- # Up high #

# And to my independent mamas
who can buy they own bottles #

# If you lookin' like a model
when them broke fellas holla #

- # Tell them bye #
- # Bye #

- # And hold your drinks up high #
- # Up high #

# Blame it on the Goose
Got you feelin' loose #

# Blame it on the 'Tron
Got you in the zone #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the vodka
Blame it on the Henny #

# Blame it on that blue top
Got you feeling dizzy #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol #

# Blame it on the a-a-a-
a-a-a-alcohol ##

Well done, you guys.

I mean, you always bring it
with the singing and the dancing.

But what I was really impressed with today
was your acting.

I truly thought
that some of you guys were drunk.

We take our craft serious.

Problem is- That-That song is great...

but it- it kind of glorifies drinking,
don't you think?

I mean, we're supposed to sing about
the dangers of alcohol for this assembly.

Well, good luck
finding a song that does that.

Mr. Schue? First of all,
that vest is very cute.

You are all kinds of awesome.

But second, maybe there's really no songs
about the dangers of drinking...

because there's really none, as long as
you have a proper designated driver.

Have I ever told you how great you are?

Well, Rachel,
yeah, driving drunk is dangerous.

And have you guys ever heard
of alcohol poisoning?

Yeah, it kills about 400 people every year.

Santana, are you- Are you crying?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

You're such a hypocrite.
You drink. Most adults do.

I may have a beer every now and then,
but I don't- I don't get drunk.

We're just saying this is a waste of time.
We're totally aware of alcohol.

We see adults drinking it and having fun.

Every commercial during NASCAR
is for beer.

Okay. Enough, guys.

Look, tomorrow,
come with your thinking caps on...

because we're gonna
spend the entire day...

brainstorming ideas for songs to sing at this assembly.

Am I out of touch?

I used to drink a lot more
when I was their age.

Most of the time, it was
just to deal with Terri, but...

I mean, who am I to tell
them not to drink...

when I blacked out a couple of times
when I was their age?

- And I ended up okay.
- You're taking this way too hard.

- Something else going on?
- Let's see. Um...

My divorce is starting to really sink in.

Sue's coaching my competition
at regionals.

And Emma is looking for a house
with her husband.

Is that all?

- What do you do for stress relief?
- Exercise.

Well, me, too, but that's
a little too close to being productive.

You got to get a little ridiculous, man,
burn off some of that angst.

- You have any suggestions?
- Tomorrow night...

you're tagging along with me
for my stress relief.

We're going to a little place
they call Rosalita's Roadhouse.

Isn't that like a honky-tonk bar?

You ain't lived till you've
seen me in a cowboy hat.

# So far away #

# Doesn't anybody stay In one place anymore?

- I didn't drink that much.
- Are you kidding?

You spent the entire night
sucking Rachel Berry's face.

That, sir, is what we call rock bottom.

- Oh, my God. Speak of the devil.
- Two medium drips.

Hi, Rachel. Kurt and I
were just talking about you.

You're such a cutie-pie
with your blazer and your pants.

So, I have a question for you.

- I wanted to know-
- Is she drunk?

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Um, yeah.

Uh-huh. All right, I'll see you then.

Okay, bye.

Rachel just asked me out.

Oh, that's amazing.
She's got a girl crush on you.

Wait a second. Why'd you say yes?

- You can't lead her on.
- Who says I'm leading her on?

You can't be serious.

When we kissed, it- it felt good.

It felt good because you were drunk.

What's the harm in going out
on one crummy little date?

- You're gay, Blaine.
- I thought I was.

But I've never even
had a boyfriend before.

Isn't this the time
you're supposed to figure stuff out?

- I can't believe that I'm hearing this right now.
- Maybe I'm bi. I don't know.

"Bisexual" is a term
that gay guys in high school use...

when they want to hold hands with girls
and feel like a normal person for a change.

Whoa. Wait, wait. Why are you so angry?

Because I look up to you.

I admire how proud you are of who you are.

I know what it's like to be in the closet,
and here you are about to tiptoe back in.

I'm really sorry if this hurts your
feelings or your pride or whatever.

But however confusing
it might be for you...

it's actually a lot more confusing for me.

You're 100% sure who you are. Fantastic.

Well, maybe we all can't be so lucky.

Yeah, I have- I've had
a lot of luck, Blaine.

I was really lucky to be chased out of high
school by a bully who threatened to kill me.

- And why did he do that?
- Because he didn't like who I was.

Sort of exactly what you're
saying to me right now. Isn't it?

I am- I'm searching, okay?

I'm honestly just trying
to figure out who I am...

and for you, of all people,
to get down on me for that...

I didn't think that's who you were.

I'll see you.

I'd say "bye,"
but I wouldn't want to make you angry.

- Bring it in.
- Cheers!

- Come on, brother.
- # Last night #

- Yeah! Go, Will!

Get up! Yeah!

# A hundred bottles of beer on the wall #

# I thought I could drink 'em all ##


Bring it in.


Welcome, everybody,
to Rosalita's Roadhouse...

where the men are men
and the sheep are nervous.

A special warm welcome
to Will Schuester...

joining us here
for the first time tonight.

My friend Shannon the Cannon here...

tells me Will wants to hop up on stage
and sing us a song.

Come on up here, cowboy.


I'll get you for this.

You know- You know, I- I am not
singing anything without my gal here.

Come on, bring her a microphone.
Bring her a microphone.

I wanna tell you a story...

about the house-rent blues.

I come home one Friday...

had to tell the landlady
I done lost my job.


She said, "That don't comfort me.

Long as I get my money next Friday."

Now, next Friday come,
I didn't get the rent...

and out the door I went.

# One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #

# Well, I ain't seen my baby
since I don't know when #

# I've been drinking bourbon, whiskey
scotch and gin #

# Gonna get high, man,
I'm gonna get loose #

# Need me a triple shot of that juice #

# Gonna get drunk
Don't you have no fear #

# I want one bourbon
one scotch and one beer #

# One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #

# I ain't seen my baby
since the night before last #

# Gonna get a drink, man,
I'm gonna get gassed #

# Gotta get high, man,
I ain't had enough #

# Need me a triple shot of that stuff #

# Gonna get drunk
Won't you listen right here? #

# I want one bourbon
one shot and one beer #

# One bourbon, one scotch, one beer #

I want all that! Come on now!

# One bourbon, one scotch, one beer ##

Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo! Drinks on me!

Thanks for helping
with the party cleanup...

especially considering
that you didn't even drink.

- I was in the neighborhood.
- At 10:00?

Are you sure you're not here just
to find out how my date with Blaine went?

Oh, was that tonight?

Look, we're friends,
so I'm gonna be honest with you.

The date was lovely.

We saw Love Story
at the revival theater.

We even dressed up as the characters.

That's not gay at all. Did you kiss?

No. Our lips spent the evening
mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue.

Frankly, I did expect a little snog
as the date drew to a close...

but I guess the timing just wasn't right.

Or the blood-alcohol level.

Look, I know that you
have feelings for him...

and I'm sure you think I'm crazy
for asking him out.

But Blaine is obviously conflicted...

and if he turns out not to be gay...

well, then I guess I will
have done you a favor.

And I'm doing you a favor
by telling you that Blaine...

is the first of a long line
of conflicted men that you will date...

that will later turn out to be only
the most flaming of homosexuals.

Blaine and I have a lot in common.

A sentiment expressed
by many a hag about many a gay.

Look, I don't doubt that you and Blaine...

would have a jolly good time
shopping at Burberry...

and arguing who would make
the better Rum Tum Tugger.

I don't dispute that.

But there's something you and Blaine
will never have, and that's chemistry.


Then I'm gonna prove you wrong.

I'm gonna take the beer goggles off,
and I'm gonna kiss him sober.

And if the spark is still there...

then I'm taking you
to your bakery of choice...

for a piping-hot slice of humble pie.

Whoa! Easy, partner.

- Can I get you something to drink?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Taxi's waiting.
- All right.

How are you not drunk?

We drank exactly the same amount.

I got a hollow leg.

You got a hollow leg!

- Hey, you gonna be okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I just- just got
to grade some papers, and...

I'm still looking for a song
for the kids to sing...

at the Alcohol Awareness assembly.

- Oh.
- Yes. Uh, the kids want to sing a Ke$ ha song...

but, uh, it just makes drinking
seem like a lot of fun.

Sometimes it is fun.


Like tonight.

That's the most fun I've had
in a really long time.

- I mean, we were careful.
- Mm-hmm.

- We didn't drive.
- Mmm. Yeah.

- What's wrong with that?
- Nothin'.

Nothin's wrong with that.

Except we're not teenagers anymore, Will.

You know?

The way I see it,
you can't just lecture kids.

I mean, we can't stop them
from drinking...

if that's what they're gonna do.

I mean, the best we can do
is make them aware of the dangers...

and just hope they're smart enough
to make a good decision on their own.

I don't know.

You nut.

All right, buddy.
I'm out of here. Don't get up.

I'm not. I'm gonna stay right...

- Hey.
- Yes?

You just make sure
you drink lots of water.

- Okay?
- Mwah!

I love you.

Right back at you.

Yay. Happy face. Okay.

That was a valiant effort.

You get A-plus. That's how I roll.

I don't even know who you are.

Oh, what the hell.

Hey there, sexy lady.

I know it's late, and I know you're taken.

I've had a couple drinks, but...

there's something I r-really,
really want to say to you.


Can't wait to see what your New Directions
are planning for the assembly.

I know we've had issues with your kids
performing in front of the school...

but I have a really good feeling
about this one.

Why are you screaming?

I'm not screaming. Are you okay?

Oh, wow, your cologne
is just really strong.

It's Drakkar Noir!

- Hey.
- Emma.

Oh, Will, you look terrible.

Considering how much I drank,
I think I'm lucky to be alive.

Although I kind of wish I was dead.

- I am so embarrassed.
- Why?

I mean, besides the fact that you drank like
a frat boy and you're well into your 30s.

- Please don't make me say it.
- Sorry?

I don't even remember
half the things I said to you.

I-I'm not following.

I-I drunk-dialed you last night.

No, you didn't.

I mean, I didn't get a single message.

What would you have said
that you'd be embarrassed about?


I-I-I- Just must have been a really
elaborate, uh, booze dream, yeah.

It's time, Will.

I've arranged to have you committed
for 48 hours, and it's not gonna be easy.

Those state institutions
tend to turn the fire hose...

on patients going through the D.T.'s.

But at this point, I have no other option
but a forced intervention.

Sue, I do not have a drinking problem.

Really? Then what's with
the Corey Hart imitation?

Will, I'm trying to save you.

Why? All you ever want
to do is destroy me.

Yeah, well, it's kind of like
nursing a P.O.W. back to health...

so he's at his strongest
when you torture him to death.

All right, Will.

You had your chance
to do this the easy way.

Souffl? is all about the whites.

If you get yolk in it
or you don't let it stiffen properly...

then you might as well be making pancakes.

All right. You think the one
we already made is ready yet?

- I hope so.
- All right, let's check it out.

Here we go. Ta-da.

You didn't leave enough room
in the dish to let it rise.

Hey, I'm sorry.
Why are you being so hard on me?

I would've been happy
with you teaching me to make toast.

Okay. I'm sorry, Dad.

I know this is supposed
to be bonding time, but it's Blaine.

He's interested in Rachel.

I'm confused. I thought he was gay too.

Oh, he is, he is.
He's just... experimenting.

Yeah. He's not the only one.

What does that mean?

Look, I need you to ask me
before you have someone sleep over.

We-We were fully clothed the entire time.

Blaine was too drunk to drive,
so I let him crash here.

- I was being responsible.
- You kids are drinking now?

Finn and I didn't have any,
if that's what you're worried about.

No. I'm worried about you
being inappropriate in my house.

And if Puckerman had a sleepover
with Finn, would that be inappropriate?

- That's different.
- Because they wouldn't have sex?

No, I would never allow Finn
to have a girl sleep over in his bed.

But would it make you
uncomfortable if he did?

Hey, when have I been uncomfortable
with you being gay?

So it's not being gay that upsets you.
It's just me acting on it.

I don't know what two guys
do when they're together.

You know, I sat through
that whole Brokeback Mountain.

From what I gather,
something went down in the tent.

What do you want from me here, Dad?

I want you to apologize
for being inappropriate...

and promise me you'll never do it again.

Fine. I'm sorry.

I won't have sleepovers with anyone
that might be gay without asking you first.

Thank you.

But maybe you could step outside
your comfort zone and educate yourself...

so if I have any questions, I could
go to my dad like any straight son could.

Quiet, please. Quiet, please, children.

I would like to wish you and yours...

a healthy and happy
Alcohol Awareness Week.

Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis
could not be here...

because of disinterest.

But Lima Police Chief Lawrence Krowley...

is here to show you a grisly
slide show of auto accidents.

Take it away, Chief.

- You guys, I'm really nervous.
- Thank you, Principal Figgins.

Ke$ ha's been a cultural icon for weeks,
and I really want to do her music justice.

- We haven't had enough rehearsal.
- Or any at all.

And most of our assembly performances
usually end in some kind of riot.

Never fear, teammates.
It's a Broadway tradition...

for nervous performers to take
a shot of whiskey before going on...

to calm their nerves and to mask
the stench of bad dental hygiene.

In that tradition, I have mixed us
a playful showbiz cocktail...

of what was left in my
dads' liquor cabinet.

There's some brandy and vermouth
and port wine and scotch in here.

Also a little bit of Kool-Aid
and some crumbled-up Oreos.

Oh, my God.
This tastes like cough syrup.

- There's also cough syrup.
- Cheers.

- To Ke$ ha.
- Cheers. - To Ke$ ha.

Thank you, Chief.

And now, performing the hit single...

"Tik" and also "Tok"...

by rapper Ke-dollar-sign-ha...

the New Directions.

# Wake up in the mornin'
feelin' like P. Diddy #

- What up, girl?
- # Grab my glasses, I'm out the door #

- # I'm gonna hit this city #
- Let's go.

# Before I leave
brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack #

# 'Cause when I leave for the night #

# I ain't comin' back #

# I'm talkin' pedicure on our toes, toes #

# Tryin' on all our clothes, clothes #

# Boys blowin' up our phones, phones #

# Drop-toppin', playin' our favorite CDs #

# Goin' up to the parties #

# Trying to get a little bit-
tipsy #

# Don't stop, make it pop #

# Deejay, blow my speakers up tonight #

# I'm-a fight till we see the sunlight #

# Ticktock on the clock #

# But the party don't stop, no #

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #

# Don't stop, make it pop #

# Deejay, blow my speakers up tonight #

# I'm-a fight till we see the sunlight #

# Ticktock on the clock #

# But the party don't stop, no #

- I don't feel good.
- Power through it!

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh #

# You build me up #

# You break me down #

# My heart, it pounds #

# Yeah, you've got me #

# With my hands up
you've got me now #

# You've got that sound
Yeah, you've got me #

# Oh, oh #

# You build me up #

# You break me down #

# My heart, it pounds #

# Yeah, you've got me #

# Oh, Oh #

# With my hands up #

# Put your hands up #

# Put your hands up #

# Now, the party don't start
till I walk in #

# Don't stop, make it pop #

# Deejay, blow my speakers up tonight #

# I'm-a fight till we see the sunlight #

# Ticktock on the clock #

# But the party don't stop, no #

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-##

Oh, my God.

Everybody, drink responsibly.

Heads up, McKinley.

Coach Sylvester's gonna shout at ya.

Students, colleagues...

Indeed, all who understand
the Queen's English.

We all still quake in terror...

at what we witnessed
yesterday at the assembly...

by a Glee Club spiraling
out of control.

My nose is still filled
with the acrid stench of teen vomit.

And there is simply
but one person to blame...

the alcoholic teen-vomit
fetishist Will Schuester...

the director of that club.

Two days ago, I received a drunk-dial
in the middle of the night...

- from a horny Will Schuester.
- Oh, no.

Open your ears, McKinley High...

and behold the awful price of alcoholism.

Hey there, sexy lady.

There's something I really,
really want to say to you.

I love how you eat your lunch
with your little plastic gloves...

and they crinkle and make the cutest
sound I've ever heard in my llfe.

Why don't you pick up some
wine coolers and come over here?

And it'll be just one night
of us just getting crazy.

Let's just get crazy!

Just get really crazy
and roll around in the hay.

I was just in some hay
earlier tonight.

Hey, and I rode a bull,
and I was thinking of you.

Will Schuester...

you've just been publicly humiliated.

And on the road to recovery,
it's the very first step.

We're probably gonna get suspended.

I think you'll definitely get suspended.

- You'll probably all get suspended.
- Oh, you're one to talk.

How about you crack a Four Loko,
Count Boozy von Drunk-a-ton?

William, Glee Club.

I have one word for you.


Those special effects
at the assembly really paid off!

I had no idea what brilliant musical-comedy
performers you all have become.

The kids at this school
are scared straight.

Today is the first day in a month...

without a single act
of public drunkenness at McKinley High!

And as a thank you...

here are coupons
for half-off frozen yogurt.


William, I do think
you need to see someone...

about your sex and love addiction.

I've talked to my pastor about you...

and he's willing to meet you
at your earliest convenience.

Thank you.

Okay. Achievement!


I'm torn.

Part of me never wants to drink again
because it made me so sick.

But if it weren't for drinking,
the assembly would have been a disaster.

I, for one, am never drinking again.

Being thrown up on-
it just does something to a person.

All right, guys.

While I'm happy
things worked out with the assembly...

I never want to see you guys
pull anything like that again.

Drinking while performing
is unprofessional.

Drinking while at school
is just stupid and, most importantly...

any of you guys drinking at all is illegal.

There's a fair amount of the pot
calling the kettle black right now.

That is so racist.

I couldn't agree more,
which is why I'm gonna stop drinking.

Not even a beer at the end of the night
to take the edge off.

But if you don't drink,
what will you have to live for?

I have plenty in my life without beer.

Like what exactly?

The point is I'm gonna stop.
And I hope you guys do too.

- Isn't that kind of unrealistic?
- Yeah. Honestly, I think it is.

Which is why I'm only gonna
ask you to do it until after nationals.

Consider yourselves like prize fighters...

getting ready for a big heavyweight bout.

Now, these are pledge forms,
and I want you guys to sign them.

And what if we fall off the wagon again?

Look in the top corner of your form.
That's my cell phone number.


Part of your pledge
is that if you do slip up...

no matter where you are
or what time of the night it is...

I want you to call me to drive you home.

We got lucky this time that the only
consequences of your drinking...

was some ill-timed vomiting.

None of us wants to see
any of you guys get hurt.

Cool beans, Mr. Schue. I'll sign this.

Me too. Alcohol has done
nothing for my songwriting.

What about after we win nationals?

I'm buying the sparkling cider.


You said he comes this way at 3:30.

Like clockwork-
for his postrehearsal medium drip.

I just can't wait to lay one on him.

I've got a bad feeling about this, Rachel.

I don't mean to be a scold,
but I don't want you to get hurt either.

- There's no victory in this for me either way.
- Who cares about you, buddy?

I may get a new boyfriend out of this
who can keep up with me vocally...

and, in the future, give me
vaguely Eurasian-looking children.

There he is, dreamy as ever.

Okay. Wish me luck.

# I feel the earth
move under my feet #

- Hey, Rachel. What's going on?
- # I feel the sky tumblin'down #

# A-tumblin'down #

# I feel the earth
move under my feet #

# I feel the sky tumblin'down #

# A-tumblin'down #

# I just lose control #

Huh. Yup.

I'm gay.

100% gay.

Thank you so much
for clearing that up for me, Rachel.

Save my space in line, will you?
I gotta go hit the restroom.

# All over #

# I feel the earth
move under my feet #

# I feel the sky come... #

- That was hard, wasn't it?
- Are you kidding?

That was amazing. I am speechless.

I just had a relationship with a guy
who turned out to be gay.

That is songwriting gold. Oh!

Okay. I have to go compose,
but thank you. Thank you!

# Tumblin'down ##

English - US - SDH