Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - Sexy - full transcript

Schuester volunteers to program Glee club songs which help with sex education, hearing many of his kids are dangerously ignorant. Free-spirited substitute sex-education teacher Holly Holliday therefore comes help him select and arrange appropriate repertoire. That proves tricky, as does the kids' own input, also on account of their personal (romantic) agendas. The Celibacy Club welcomes unlikely recruits.

-//- Subtitle FPS=23,976 - Edited by DivXTurk v. -\\-

The Celibacy Club will now
come to order.

Let's start the meeting
by reading the minutes

from last week's meeting
where we read the minutes

from the previous meeting,

and Rachel spent the hour
quizzing Quinn about the nature

of her relationship with Finn.

Questions somebody still
refuses to answer.

And I will continue
to refuse to answer them

because they are none
of your business.

All I will reveal

is that I rejoined the Celibacy
Club to focus on me.

Me, too.
Finn is kryptonite, which is

why I am focusing all my energies
now on my songwriting.

Yes, and I have to say
I am very inspired

that both of you are showing how
celibacy is a viable option

for teens who simply aren't
ready for intimacy,

and for those who are older

and are terrified
of the hose monster.

I have a little bit
of club swag here

that I think's really
gonna catch on. Ready?

Chastity charms.

We hand out the little hearts,
but not the key.

That way, nobody can open
the lock forever.

And ladies,
that's what keeps us safe.

I have some questions.

Some things that I...
I'm curious about.

No, no, no,
why be curious?

No, wait to have relations until
you're comfortable, right?

Maybe till your honeymoon,
I don't know.

Maybe even later!

Celibacy, ladies! Dig it!

I'm just so disappointed.

Why? I thought you wanted the
chastity charms to catch on.

I did, until I realized they
were wearing the chastity charms

as clip-on nipple rings.

I know preaching
abstinence is hard,

but I've seen
how a teen pregnancy

can turn a kid's
world upside down.

So keep fighting the good fight.

And I'm happy to do whatever I
can to help make celibacy

an option for these kids.

I don't know, hot stuff.

Sounds pretty lame...

What are you doing here?

Subbing. The health and wellness
teacher's out

with a mad case of the herp.

- Oh, it's so good to see you!
- You, too!

Oh, this face, this face!

Oh. Oh, this is...


- Emma, Emma Pillsbury.
- Oh, hi.

- Nice to meet you.
- Very nice to meet you.

- This is Holly Holliday.
- Hi, Holly.

Have a seat here.

- Oh, thank you.
- Wow!

So, I'm curious why
you don't, uh, think

that celibacy is a valid choice
for teenagers.

Oh, I do.
I think it's a valid choice.

I just don't think it's
that realistic.

You know, it's like saying

vegetarianism is an option
for lions.

I just read in the newspaper
that ninety high school girls in

a Memphis school district got
pregnant within three months!

I mean, it is Tennessee,
but still.

We've got to shake things up,
you know?

Information is power.
Oh, and by the way, Will,

some of your Glee kids are
the most clueless.

Demonstration: This is a condom,

which can help prevent
the spread of HIV,

which can lead to AIDS,

and it also prevents pregnancy.

Wait, cucumbers can give you

Seriously? 'Cause I just had
them on my salad!

- We've got to educate these kids.
- I strongly disagree.

I don't think that we
should barrage these kids

with graphic information.
They're kids.

I don't want to steal
their innocence.

Are you, like,
some kind of crazy Pope lady?

Think about the images
that these kids are exposed to.

I mean, think about
what they have access to.

That doesn't make it okay.

And it shouldn't
change the message

that they get from us,
which is this is serious stuff

and it's not for kids
and it's not for adults!

Okay, well,
I think that's a little naive.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I'm off to have crazy sex,

because I'm crazy
informed about it.


- Hasta luego.
- Hasta luego.

Oh, man.

Hey, Britt-britt.
So listen.

How about you and I pop in some
Sweet Valley High this evening,

get our cuddle on?

Look, I'd really like to
get my sweet lady-kisses on,

but I haven't been
feeling very sexy lately.

I think I have a
bun in the oven.

Please don't tell anyone.

- Okay? Especially Artie.
- Yeah, sure.

Your secret's safe with...

Oh, my God. Brittany's pregnant.

Oh, my God.
Brittany's pregnant.

- It was only a matter of time.
- For what?

Brittany to get pregnant.

- Oh. Congratulations.
- For what?

Oh, you didn't hear?
Your girlfriend's preggo.

You're gonna be a baby daddy.

All right, folks.

Regionals is in a week.

It's time to get deep
into our set list.


You okay?

My life is over.

How am I supposed
to support a baby?

How could you not
tell me about this?

Wait, Brittany,
are you pregnant?

I'm so sorry, Artie.

I didn't want to upset you.

I thought I could surprise you
when I dropped him off.

I'm pretty sure it's a boy.

Babies don't get dropped off.

Wait, Brittany.
Have you been to a doctor yet?

That's the only way to be sure.

I don't need to go to a doctor.

I just need
to look outside my window.

Three days ago,

a stork built its nest
on top of my garage.

I'm not stupid.
It's obviously getting ready

to bring me my baby.

I know where babies come from.

And that's when I realized
you were right.

Let's go. Health and wellness
Jazzercise class!

Do we feel our hearts
pumping yet, guys?

You see? We have really got
to educate these kids.

How are we going to do that
without being too graphic?

Breathe it in.

I want to educate them,
not titillate them.

Didn't you ever read
Jessica Seinfeld's cookbook?

It's all about taking vegetables
and hiding it in food

so that you can trick kids into
eating what's good for them.

Shake it!

Ah! And loose.

I'm not following.

It's Jazzercise, Will.
It's really not that hard.

- No.
- Grease it.

I'm still talking
about the vegetable hiding.

All I'm saying is

all we have to do
is find a way to sneak in

the sex education lesson
in a less provocative way.

And stretch.


- You guys were awesome.
- Yeah!

How good do we feel?

Are we sweating? Yes!

Next week, we are going to talk

about the power
of muscle testing.

Yeah? Bye. Love you.


Here's what I think
you should do.

Let me come
into Glee Club this week

and I'll show you what I mean.

The kids will think that they're
getting ready for Regionals,

but really I'll slip
in a little lesson

about how to avoid STDs.

And speaking of STDs,
how is your dating life?

Um, right now, I'm the president
of the Celibacy Club.


That's a waste
of some fine man-butt.


I really hope that's not one

of the requirements
for Regionals,

because with Berry
in those tights,

- we don't stand a chance.
- No, this isn't

about Regionals.
I'm less worried

about that right now
and more worried

about the fact that
it's become clear to me

that some of you
have been lacking

when it comes
to understanding the...

The, uh...

The intricacies
of adult relationships.

Yeah, anyways...

Along with preparing for our
Regional next week,

I want to spend the week
educating ourselves

about some of these...

Is this the appropriate forum
for that?

Look, whenever we had, uh,

issues in the past
that are on our minds

or giving us problems,

it's always helped us
to sing about it.

So this week I have
invited a special guest.

Miss Holiday.

Hola, clase.

Oh, no.
It's the salad lady.

Okay. So sex...

It's just like hugging,
only wetter.

Yeah, it is.

Okay, so let's start
with the basics. Finn.

Is it true

that you thought you got
your girlfriend pregnant

via hot tub?

I have always been dubious.

And Brittany,

you think that
storks bring babies?

I get my information
from Woody Woodpecker cartoons.

Well, that's all gonna end
right here, right now.

Because today,
we are gonna get under the covers

all together

- and get the ditty on the dirty.
- I'm so turned-on right now.

Uh, what about those of us
who choose to remain celibate?

Oh, well, I admire you.

Although I think you're naive

and possibly frigid,
I do admire your choice.

I think this is
a good time for a song.

Oh, yes. Okay.

- Okay.
- Rule number one:

Every intimate encounter
that you're ever going

to have in your life
is going to start with

a touch. Hit it!

♪ We've been here too long ♪

♪ tryin' to get along. ♪

♪ Pretending
that you're oh so shy. ♪

♪ I'm a natural ma'am, ♪

♪ doin' all I can. ♪

♪ My temperature
is runnin' high. ♪

♪ Cry at night. ♪

♪ No one in sight. ♪

♪ And we got so much to share. ♪

♪ Talking's fine ♪

♪ if you got the time, ♪

♪ but I ain't got
the time to spare. ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want
to touch me there? ♪

♪ Where? ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want
to touch me there? ♪

♪ Where? ♪

♪ There, yeah... ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Every girl and boy ♪

♪ needs a little joy. ♪

♪ All you do is sit and stare. ♪

♪ Beggin' on my knees. ♪

♪ Baby, won't you please ♪

♪ run your fingers
through my hair? ♪

♪ My, my, my, whiskey and rye. ♪

♪ Don't it make
you feel so fine? ♪

♪ Right or wrong, ♪

♪ don't it turn you on? ♪

♪ Can't you see we're
wasting time, yeah? ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want to touch me there?
Where? ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want to touch... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Do you want
to touch me there? ♪

♪ Where? There. ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Do ya, do ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Do ya, do ya? ♪

♪ Touch me there... ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪

♪ You know where... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Yeah, oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Do ya, do ya? ♪

So just remember

whenever you have sex
with someone,

you're having sex with everyone
they've ever had sex with.

And everybody's got a random.

Don't you think it's time
for the Warblers

to do
a Joan Armatrading medley?

Um, I'm not so sure
people know who that is.

Well, well, if it isn't my sweet,
sweet Porcelain.

Coach Sylvester.

What are you doing here?

Oh, just picking up
some coffee.

I like my enemas piping hot.

Actually, boys, I heard

that this was a Dalton
Academy hangout, and I come

in a spirit of fellowship.

As you no doubt have heard,
I've taken over

for the coach of Aural Intensity.

We heard you pushed him
down the stairs.

No, you can't prove that.

This is just sort of
how she talks.

So, I happen to have
some top secret intel.

Will Schuester
has finally realized

that his team's Achilles' heel

is their utter lack
of sex appeal.

The New Directions
are getting sexy.

And the key to Regionals
is out-sexing them.

And I suspect

that the judges are scoring
extra for it this year.

So, Porcelain,

quid pro quo:

What do you have for me?

I'm sorry, Coach,
but you and are not in cahoots.

Probably should have
nailed that down

before I gave you
my top secret intel.


you just made a powerful enema.

We got to hold an
emergency meeting.

- Why?
- Weren't you listening?

The judges at Regionals
have an eye out

for something new,
which means...

The Warblers got to do
something sexy-fied.

I am very disappointed
in you, Will.

Letting Holly come in and just

teach the Glee kids
about... stuff.

I mean, why didn't you
just pair them up, huh?

Rent them a bunch
of motel rooms?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I had no choice, Emma.

These kids are
totally unprepared.

Look, in the spirit
of fairness,

why don't you and the kids
in your Celibacy Club

come in and do a number?

What, like, sing?

Yeah. We're trying
to teach through song.

And yours can be
a counterargument to Holly's.

Well, I look forward
to the opportunity

to nail her to the wall.

You know what I mean.

Well, Puckerman,
it's your lucky day.

You're finally going
to let me motorboat those twins?

Remember I told you I had
a master plan? Here it is.

Can you think of a celebrity
who released a tape

of their intimate relations that
didn't make them more famous?

If this is going
where I think it's going,

I may need to sit down.

Rachel Berry wants to
be a famous singer.

I just want to be famous.

Doing that number for Glee Club

was my first step
toward being a star.

I want to be like a Kardashian.

I want a TV show
and a fragrance.

It'll be called Zizes,

and the slogan will be
"You just got Ziced!"

I'm not sure I heard
that last part right,

'cause I'm getting
a little light-headed,

but if we make one
of those tape, that means...

Wow. If your lovemaking
prowess is as impressive

as your skills at deduction,
I'm in for a wild night.

I would like
to welcome the ladies

of our sister school,
Crawford Country Day.

As you know,
the Warblers are competing

in our show choir's Regionals
competition next week.

So, what we're going for here

today, ladies,
is something a little...

A little sexy.

But we need your input.

Are we scream worthy?

Do we make your knees
turn to jelly?

So, without further ado,
hang on to your bobby socks, girls,

'cause we're about
to rock your world.

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na... ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na... ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na... ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na,
na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na... ♪

♪ Here we are again. ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na... ♪

♪ I feel the chemicals
kickin' in. ♪

♪ It's getting heavy,
and I wanna run and hide. ♪

♪ I wanna run and hide. ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na... ♪


♪ I do it every time. ♪

♪ You're killin' me now. ♪

♪ And I won't be denied by you, ♪

♪ the animal inside of you. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
what are you waiting for? ♪

♪ Take a bite
of my heart tonight. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
what are you waiting for? ♪

♪ What are you waiting for? ♪

♪ Say good-bye
to my heart tonight. ♪

♪ Hush, hush,
the world is quiet. ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh, oh, oh... ♪
♪ Hush, hush, we both can't fight it. ♪

♪ It's us that made this mess. ♪

♪ Why can't you understand? ♪

♪ Whoa, I won't sleep tonight. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪
♪ Some more... ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
what are you waiting for? ♪

♪ Take a bite
of my heart tonight. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, I want some more. ♪
♪ Some more... ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
what are you waiting for? ♪

♪ What are you waiting for? ♪

♪ What are you waiting...? ♪

♪ Here we go again. ♪
♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Here we go again. ♪

♪ Oh, oh. ♪
♪ Here we go again. ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Say good-bye
to my heart tonight. ♪

Call us.

Sweet, but not on your team.

Are you okay?

You kept making

those weird faces
the whole song.

Those weren't weird faces.

Those were my sexy faces.

It just looked like
you were having gas pains

or something.

Great. How are we supposed to
get up on the stage at Regionals

and sell sexy to the judges when
I have as much sexual appeal

and knowledge as a baby penguin?

We'll figure something out.

I want to talk
to you about something.

I really like
when we make out and stuff.

Which isn't cheating,

- The plumbing's different.
- Mm-hmm.

But when Artie
and I are together,

we talk about stuff,
like feelings.


Because with feelings,
it's better.

Are you kidding?

It's better when it
doesn't involve feelings.

I think it's better when it
doesn't involve eye contact.

I don't know. I guess I just
don't know how I feel about us.


Let's be clear here.

I'm not interested
in any labels,

unless it's on something
I shoplift.

I don't know, Santana.

I think
we should talk to somebody.

Like an adult.

This relationship
is really confusing for me.

Breakfast is confusing for you.

Well, sometimes it's sweet,
and sometimes it's salty.

Like, what if I have eggs for dinner?
Then what is it?

Those linens are incredible.

I know.
Is that Egyptian cotton?

Why do they keep editing all
this vacation and plane stuff?

It classes it up.

If I want to see Kim Kardashian
being classy, I'll watch E!

Touch me.

We're not putting any
of that stuff in ours.

- Well, maybe...
- Hey, guys. What's going on?

- Oh, hey, Miss H. Hey, can you help us out?
- Uh, yeah.

Lauren and I are gonna
make a sex tape.

So I can get a
recording contract.

Wow. Okay.

Well, first, can I just say

that I'm very impressed
by not only your ambition,

but by how comfortable you are
with your own bodies?

Easy to be comfortable
when you look this good.

- You know what I mean?
- Agreed.

Uh, now for the downside.

Are you aware that because
you're under eighteen years of age,

making and owning a sex tape
could make you guilty

of child pornography?

Listen, guys, don't take this
too hard, all right?

These things just...
They never work out well.

My sex tape with J.D. Salinger
was a disaster.

- Thanks, Miss H.
- Later, dudes.


Miss Holiday,
we need your help.

So, why are we
sitting on the floor?

'Cause we're in Japan.


Welcome to my sacred,
sexy sharing circle.

I want to thank you guys
for confiding in me,

'cause I know this is tough.

And I want to ask both of you

if either one of you thinks
that you might be a lesbian.

I don't know.

Yeah, I mean, who knows?

I'm attracted to girls,
and I'm attracted to guys.

I've made out with a mannequin.

I even had a sex
dream about a shrub

that was just in the
shape of a person.

Hmm. Well, we've all been there.

I went to an all-girls college

where the only industry
in the town

was the manufacturing
of softball equipment.

I still feel a little tingle
when I hear Ani DiFranco.


Anyway, it's not about

who you are attracted to,

It's about who you
fall in love with.

Well, I don't know how I feel,

because Santana refuses
to talk about it.

Okay, well, I know talking about
feelings can be really hard,

so I have an idea.

Why don't you guys find a song

and see if maybe the lyrics
of the song could help you

start a dialogue going?

I could be down with that.

I have the perfect song.

There's just one problem, though.

Brit and I may need your help
to sing it.

I thought you'd never ask.

All right, so give me sensual.

But don't make fun of it.
Like, really try.

Okay. Now give me... sultry.

Um, Kurt, they're all
sort of looking the same.

That's because the face I'm
actually doing is uncomfortable.

This is pointless, Blaine.

I don't know how to be sexy,

because I don't know
the first thing about sex.

Kurt, you're blushing.

I've tried watching
those movies,

but I just get
horribly depressed.

And I think about how
they were all kids once,

and they all have mothers.

And, God, what would
their mothers think?

And why would you get
that tattoo there?

Then maybe we should have
a conversation about it.

I'll tell you what I know.

I don't... I don't want to
know the graphic details.

I like romance.

That's why I like
Broadway musicals,

because the touch
of the fingertips

is as sexy as it gets.

Kurt, you're going to have
to learn about it someday.

Well, not today.

I think I've learned quite
enough for today, thank you.

I think you should leave.

So just nice and easy.
I don't want

to go too far away
from the original version.

Since when do you need help

singing in front
of the Glee Club?

Oh, it's not about the singing.

I'm trying to make Prince's
"Kiss" into a tango.

Just want to make sure
it's appropriate.

"Kiss" as a tango?

That's awesome and ridiculous.

Anyway, I want to do this right
for the sexy lesson.

So picture us

in the auditorium,
big backdrop,

lighting, costume,
the whole thing.

Hit it.

♪ Uh! ♪

♪ You don't have
to be beautiful ♪

♪ to turn me on. ♪

♪ I just need your body, baby, ♪

♪ from dusk till dawn. ♪

♪ You don't need experience ♪

♪ to turn me out. ♪

♪ You just leave it
all up to me. ♪

♪ I'm gonna show you
what it's all about. ♪

♪ You don't have to be rich ♪

♪ to be my girl. ♪

♪ You don't have to be cool ♪

♪ to rule my world. ♪

♪ Ain't no particular sign ♪

♪ I'm more compatible with, ♪

♪ I just want your extra time ♪

♪ and your... kiss. ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ Women, not girls,
rule my world. ♪

♪ I said, they rule my world. ♪

♪ Act your age,
not your shoe size. ♪

♪ Not your shoe size... ♪

♪ Maybe we can do the twirl. ♪

♪ You don't have
to watch Dynasty ♪

♪ to have an attitude. ♪

♪ You just leave
it all up to me. ♪

♪ My love will be your food. ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ You don't have to be rich ♪

♪ to be my girl. ♪

♪ Don't have to be cool
to rule my world. ♪

♪ Ain't no particular sign ♪

♪ I'm more compatible with, ♪

♪ I just want your extra time ♪

♪ and your ♪

♪ kiss. ♪

I am so into you.

- Don't be.
- Go out with me.

Oh, you don't want any of this.

I'm damaged goods.

Yes, it makes me
terrific in bed,

but it also means I tend
to break nice guys like you

into Wasa crackers.

Oh, I think I can handle it.

You married
your high school sweetheart,

and then you went out
with a virgin.

It's a great song.

You don't need me, though.
The kids are going to love it.

Need a hand?

Yeah, why don't you hand
me that carburetor?

How'd you know
which one it was?

My dad and I
rebuilt a '59 Chevy

in our driveway
two summers ago.

One of his many
attempts at bonding.

- You here looking for parts?
- No, actually.

I, uh, wanted to talk
to you about Kurt.

Is he okay?

Have you ever talked
to him about sex?

Are you gay
or straight or what?

- I'm definitely gay.
- Okay. Good.

I mean, you know,
whatever, but, uh...

You know, good for Kurt.

He needs someone like you
to talk to.

Well, that's kind of my point.

I've tried talking to him,

but he basically puts his
fingers in his ears

and starts singing.

Well, when he's ready,
he'll listen.

I'm worried that
it might be too late.

You know, Dalton doesn't
even have sex ed classes.

Most schools don't,
and the ones that do

almost never discuss what
sex is like for gay kids.

Kurt is... is the most moral,

compassionate person
I've ever met.

You know, he gets that
from his mother.

And... And I am blown away
by your guys' relationship.

You think my dad built a car
with me because he loves cars?

I think he did it

because he thought
getting my hands dirty

might make me straight.

You know, did he talk to you
about this, uh, kind of stuff?

No. I had to go
find it for myself.

The Internet is great,
and all the information is out there,

but I went searching for it.

Kurt won't.

And one day,
he'll be at a party,

and maybe have a few drinks

and then he'll meet some guy
and start fooling around.

And he's not going to know
about using protection

or STDs.

I don't have the relationship

with my dad
that you have with Kurt.

I think it would be really cool
if you took advantage of that.

I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.

You are.

♪ I took my love
and I took it down. ♪

♪ I climbed a mountain
and I turned around. ♪

♪ And I saw my reflection ♪

♪ in the snow-covered hills. ♪

♪ Well, the landslide
brought me down. ♪

♪ Oh, mirror in the sky,
what is love? ♪

♪ Can the child within my heart
rise above? ♪

♪ Can I sail through
the changing ocean tides? ♪

♪ Can I handle the seasons
of my life? ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪
♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪
♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Well, I've been afraid
of changing ♪

♪ 'cause I built
my life around you. ♪

♪ But time makes you bolder. ♪

♪ Children get older. ♪

♪ And I'm getting older, too. ♪

♪ Well, I'm getting older, too. ♪

♪ So, take this love ♪

♪ and take it down. ♪

♪ Yeah, and if you climb a
mountain and you turn around. ♪

♪ And if you see my reflection
in the snow-covered hills... ♪

♪ Well, the landslide
brought me down. ♪

♪ And if you see my reflection
in the snow-covered hills... ♪

♪ Well, maybe... ♪

♪ Well, maybe... ♪

♪ The landslide
will bring you down. ♪

- Is that really how you feel?
- Uh, yeah.

Thank you.

Pretty cool that our girlfriends
are such good friends, right?

I wish you and I
were that close.

Can I just applaud this trio

for exploring the uncharted
world of Sapphic charm?

Brava. Brava.

Look, just because
I sang a song with Brittany

doesn't mean that you can
put a label on me.

Is that clear?

This meeting of the Celibacy Club
will now come to order.

Before we begin,
I would just like to start

by congratulating you by
reminding you

not one member of this club

has had an unwanted pregnancy
in almost a year.

You get tenses for menses.

I'd also like to welcome
our newest member,

Noah Puckerman.

- Are you lost, Noah?
- Yeah, you don't belong here.

You're the biggest
French whore of them all.

Zizes and I were going
to make a sex tape.

I found out that

making that tape would have
resulted in my arrest.

I've hit rock bottom,

and I've come here
to set myself straight.

That's just awesome, Noah.

And you're just in time,
because tomorrow

the girls and I are going
to perform a song for Glee Club

extolling the benefits
of celibacy.

I'm down for that.

Point of order, though.

While three chicks and me is
just a typical Saturday night

in the Puckerman bedroom,

it's not the best balance
for singing.

We need at least one more dude.

I've got that covered.

♪ Gonna find my baby, ♪

♪ gonna hold her tight, ♪

♪ gonna grab
some afternoon delight. ♪

♪ My motto's always been
"When it's right, it's right." ♪

♪ Why wait until the middle
of a cold, dark night? ♪

♪ When everything's a little
clearer in the light of day ♪

♪ and we know the night is
always gonna be here anyway. ♪

♪ Thinking of you's
working up an appetite. ♪

♪ Looking forward
to a little afternoon delight. ♪

♪ Rubbin' sticks and stones
together ♪

♪ makes the sparks ignite. ♪

♪ And the thought of lovin' you
is getting so excitin'. ♪

♪ Skyrockets in flight, ♪

♪ afternoon delight. ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Afternoon delight. ♪

- Hi. Um, Holly here.
- Yeah?

So I'm a little confused.

Isn't this a strange song for the...
the Celibacy Club to sing?

But why?

It's so wholesome.

It was written during
the Bicentennial

to celebrate America
and fireworks...

No, it's about sneaking
out for a nooner.

Yes. Exactly!

A nooner's when you have
dessert in the middle

of the day, right?

Right, Carl?

Well, regardless...

It was a great job, guys.
Great number.

It was...
It was fantastic.

Hey, Glee Club, let's go.

Miss Holliday?
Excuse me a second.

Miss Holliday?

You're still the, um...

You're still the acting
sex-ed teacher, right?

You know it, brother.

Uh, you don't happen to have
any office hours, do you?

- Sure.
- Afternoon Delight is a dessert.

It's made with coconut
and pineapple

and marshmallow fluff.

I think Emma and I
need an appointment.

What are those?

Those are some pamphlets
that I picked up from the free clinic.

I thought it might
help the process along,

because it is time you
and I had "the talk."

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

- You told me to educate myself.
- La, la, la!

- La, la, la!
- Hey, you think this is easy for me?

- La, la, la, la!
- Okay, believe me,

I want to do this even
less than you do.

This is going to suck
for both of us,

but we are going
to get through it together,

and we will both be
better men because of it.

Now, first, most of the, um...

mechanics of what you're going

to be doing is covered
in the pamphlets.

Okay, so, I want you to read them,
and then I want you to come talk

to me about it.



All right. Now.
Hey, sit down.

We're just getting started.

All right.

You know, for most guys,
sex is just... You know...

It's this thing
we always want to do.

You know, it's fun.

It feels great.

But we're not really thinking
too much about, you know,

how it makes us feel on
the inside or, you know,

how the other person
feels about it.

Women are different?

Only because they get that
it's about something more

than just the physical.

You know, when... When you're
intimate with somebody

in that way,
you're exposing yourself.

You know, you're never going
to be more vulnerable,

and that scares the hell
out of a lot of guys.

Believe me, I can't tell
you how many buddies I've got

who have gotten in
way too deep with a girl

who said she was cool
with just hooking up.

But that's not going
to happen to me, Dad.

No. It's going to be worse.

Okay? Because it's two guys.

With two guys,

you've got two people
who think that sex is just sex.

It's gonna be
easier to come by.

And once you start
doing this stuff,

you're not going
to want to stop.

You just... You've got to know
that it means something.

You know,
it's doing something to you,

to your heart,
to your self-esteem,

even though it feels like
you're just having fun.

So, you're saying I
shouldn't have sex?

I think on your thirtieth birthday,
it is a great gift to yourself.


When you're ready...

I want you to be able to...

Do everything.

But when you're ready,
I want you

to use it as a way
to connect to another person.

Don't throw yourself around

like you don't matter.

'Cause you matter, Kurt.

Is that it?

That's it. For now.

Can I make you some toast?

I think I'll take
it up to my room

to eat while I look
over my new pamphlets.

- Thank you, Dad.
- You're welcome.

Now, I hear you guys are
having some problems.

- I wouldn't call them problems.
- No, we are.

We really, really are.
We're having problems.

When is the last time
that you...

- Never.
- I beg your pardon?

We've been married four months

and we still haven't
done the deed.

what is up with that?

He's hot!

You're thirty.

I haven't felt comfortable.

- So...
- Well, what is it that you do?

Um, okay...

So we cuddle a lot.

- A lot.
- A lot.

- We cuddle too much.
- Oh, well, no...

- We're... We're cuddle monsters.
- Okay. Okay.

We... We watch
the Housewives shows,

which are so, so racy. Racy!

It's not like I haven't tried.
I try.

I've made her romantic dinners.

I give her roses,

and every time I try
to touch her...

That happens.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, look.
I am not a doctor, okay?

I don't even
like doctor TV shows.

Unless it's one of those ones
where people strap bombs

to their chest.
Love those.

So I would like
to ask you a question,

and I want you to answer it
very seriously.

Are you still in love
with Will Schuester?

You know, I was sort
of thinking the same thing,

but I was afraid to ask it.

- Um...
- Are you?

I feel very confused
about my feelings.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

No, you and your feelings
can stay at the condo,

and I'll be at the Radisson.

Thank you, Doctor.

Not a doctor.

Could you please,
please not tell Will about this?

- No, of course not. Of course not.
- Okay.

- My lips are sealed.
- Okay, thank you.

Just like your legs!

Oh. Ha. Kidding!

God. That was rude.

Why did I say that?

See, a real doctor would
never have said that.


- Hi.
- Hey.

- Can we talk?
- But we never do that.

I know, but, um,
I wanted to thank you...

for performing that song
with me in Glee Club.


'Cause it's made me do
a lot of thinking.

What I've realized is why
I'm such a bitch all the time.

I'm a bitch because I'm angry.

I'm angry because I have
all of these feelings...

Feelings for you...
that I'm afraid of dealing with,

because I'm afraid of dealing
with the consequences.

And Brittany,

I can't go to an Indigo Girls
concert. I just can't.

I understand that.

Do you understand what
I'm trying to say here?

Not really.

I want to be with you.

But I'm afraid of the talks,
and the looks.

I mean, you know what happened
to Kurt at this school.

But, honey... If anybody were
to ever make fun of you,

you would either kick their ass

or slash them with your vicious,
vicious words.

Yeah, I know. But...

I'm so afraid of what everyone
will say behind my back.

Still, I have to accept...

that I love you.

I love you.

And I don't want to
be with Sam or Finn

or any of those other guys.

I just want you.

Please say you love me back.

- Please...
- Of course I love you. I do.

And I would totally
be with you,

if it weren't for Artie.


I love him, too.

I don't want to hurt him,
that's not right.

I can't break up with him.

Yes, you can.
He's just a stupid boy.

But it wouldn't be right.

Santana, you have to know...

If Artie and I were
to ever break up,

and I'm lucky enough
that you're still single...


I am so yours.

Proudly so.

Yeah, wow.

Whoever thought that being fluid
meant you could be so stuck?

I'm sorry.

- Get off me.
- I'm sorry.


Whoa! Why you gotta hate?

You joined the Celibacy Club?

What the hell?

I thought you and me
were an item. Lauren.

Stop. I need to talk
to you about something.

I realized something lately.

I do a lot of stupid things.

Once, on a dare,
I swallowed a thumbtack.

I'm about 90% sure
it's still in there.

I don't think about

And while I used to
think that made me cool,

now I just think it
makes me a loser.

I like you, Lauren.
I like wooing you.

Next to dropping
my afternoon deuce,

it's my favorite
part of the day.

So I'm making a change.

And if that makes
me a nerd, fine.

I really do have
the urge to punch you.

If we can play footsie
in Celibacy Club, I'm in.


I hereby call the Celibacy Club
to order.

Where's Ms. Pillsbury?

She decided to take
the hour she was spending here

to use it to fix her
sham of a marriage.

In the interim,
I'll be taking over.

Because you annoyingly
take over everything?

Because I realized that

while all of us making our
celibacy pledge is wonderful,

one day we're going to
fall in love with someone,

and we're going to choose
to be intimate with them.

Speaking of being intimate...
What's with the hickey, Quinn?

It's not a hickey.

Oh, I know hickeys.
I'm a freakin' connoisseur.

I can make them into shapes,
like balloon animals.

I burnt myself this
morning with a curling iron.

The key is to use the
curling iron in the bathtub

to keep you from getting burnt.


I was sure I was caught.

What was that?

Is that your mom?

She's at work.
She won't be home for hours.

Divorce rules.

Come here.


I'll be more careful with the
hickey placement next time.

This is so awesome.

We have two months until Prom,
so we have plenty of time

to campaign for
Prom King and Queen.

But that's not all this is about,
though, right?

Look, I made a mistake
with Puck.

You should have been my first.

This is where I belong.

- With you. Okay?
- Okay.

Hey, hot stuff.

Holly. Hey.

I'm just, uh, walking through
some choreography.

Got Regionals in a week,
and I just want to make sure

all the dances are what
I like to call "Finn-proof."

Oh, well, I won't keep you.

I just, um,
just came to say good-bye.

I'm going over to Shawnee
Township to teach algebra.


Yeah. There were some
parent complaints.

Apparently, my cucumber

made it impossible
to watch VeggieTales

the same way ever again.

I personally thought it made
watching that show hilarious.

Uh, wow, I...

I really don't want
to say good-bye.

Then maybe we shouldn't.

Teaching Santana and Brittany
how to get their Stevie Nicks on

made me realize how
closed off I've been.

I'm getting older, too.
Maybe I should try

a relationship that lasts
more than thirty-six hours.

You're serious?

Plus, seeing another woman
with the hots for you

kinda made me jealous...

- Wait, what?
- Oh, nothing.

I know a lot about sex,
Will, but...

Maybe it's time I learned a
little something about romance.

Well, I don't know
if you've heard...

But I happen to be
an excellent educator.