Glee (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Preggers - full transcript

Kurt takes center stage when he tries out for the football team in order to impress his dad. Sandy and Sue join forces to carry out their plans for destroying the Glee Club. Meanwhile, Quinn and Finn's relationship is tested when they receive some life-changing news.

All the single ladies
all the single ladies

all the single ladies
all the single ladies

all the single ladies
all the single ladies

all the single ladies,

now put your hands up up
in a club we just broke up,

I'm doing my own little thing

actin' up,drink in my cup I
can care less what you think

I need no permission did I
mention?Don't pay him any attention

'cause you had your
turn,and now you gonna learn

what it really feels like to miss me

cause if you liked it then
you should've put a ring on it

if you liked it then you
should've put a ring on it

don't be mad once you
see that he want it

if you liked it then you
should've put a ring on it


oh,oh,oh-oh-oh.'re home early.

Deadliest cah is on.

What are you wearing?

It's a unitard.

Guys wear them to,uh,work out nowadays.

Do sports.

They wick sweat from the body.


Yeah,all the guys in football wear them.

They're jock-chic.

Totally.Kurt's on the football team now.

He's the kicker.That's the
smallest guy on the field,right?


Yeah,brit and tina were just helping
me with some conditioning work.


You know,I played in jc,

before i busted up my knee
popping wheelies on my dirt bike.


I guess we'll have
something to talk about,then.

so one of you two his girlfriend?

but I'm not ready to
be exclusive just yet.

All right,just keep the music down.

I can't hear myself think up there.


Be sure to get me a
ticket to your first game.

Glee Season1 Episode04

you're doing great,baby.

Just keep breathing.


giving birth is not like
how it is in the movies.

It is bloody andestial.

And you get poop all
over your cowboy boots.

Well,I'm just trying to be supportive.

Oh,will,this isn't about you.

I'm sorry,kendra.

When was I making it about me?

you have to be liked,will.

You're nice and supportive,and
you avoid conflict.

Your wife is going to
be pushing a watermelon

out of her boy-howdy in five months.

She doesn't need nice.

She needs dolomite.

I can be tough.

Of course you can,sweetie.

Okay,why don't you come on down here,

I'm going to show you how to rub the

gas bubbles out of your wife's stomach.

- Okay.
- Oh,no,wait!


You'll like it.Phil still
does it to me,feels great.

I don't want him touching my stomach.

I mean,maybe he would bruise the baby.

- Oh.
- What?


Honey,would you make me a blt?


it's going to take a few minutes,though.

- That's okay.
- All right.Be right back.

Make me e,too,but hold the tomato.


- And the lettuce.
- Okay.

I can't do this.

Oh,honey,don't worry about it.

You're going to have an epidural.

I'm just making it sound worse
than it is to make him feel guilty.

And then y have him by the
balls for the rest of your life.

Kendra,if I told you something,

would you promise not to
tell anybody,not even phil?

Oh,my god.

- Is the baby black?
- No.

the doctor said it's
a hysterical pregnancy.

I can't tell will.

I can'T.

He already has one foot out the door.

This baby's the only
reason he's still here.

What do you think he's going to
do when he finds out you lied?

Oh,god,I don't know.

I gotta tell him the truth.

I've got to tell him and I've
got to deal with the consequences.

- Are you insane?
- What?

Dishonesty is food to a marriage.

It will die without it.

- Oh,kendra...
- stop being so emotional.


The solution is clear.

We're going to have to get you a baby.


Hope I'm not intruding.

No,not at all.

Oh,um,so get this.

You know how I'm kind of like
a local news junkie,right?

Isn't that kind of depressing?

Oh,no.It's kind of like a,

like a horror film,you know?

It's drug recalls and poison toys

africanized bees,that was terrible...

that's because disasters freak you out,

yet fascinate you at
the same time,sweetie.

So you like the local news,

because this way you can experience
them from the safety of your condo.


Um,they just finished this story
on this zoo mauling,you know,and,

um,you'll never guess who came on next.

Well,let's see what's going on now with

local champion cheerleading
coach sue sylvester

in a brand-new segment
call "sue's corner.

" Take it away,sue.



You know,caning has fallen out
of fashion in the united states.

But ask anyone who's safely walked
the immaculate sidewalks of singapore

after winning an international
cheerleading competition,

and they'll tell you one thing.

Caning works.

And I think it's about time we
did a little more of it right here.

And to all those naysayers
out there who say,

"that's illegal; "you can't strike
children on their bare buttocks

with razor-sharp bamboo sticks,"

well,to them,I say,"yes,we cane.

" And that's how sue sees it.

They gave her a segment on the local new


Well,because being a local
celebrity who's been written up twice

on the sports page of usa
today has its perks,william.

Hey,pal,you want to pull
that chair out for me?

My hand's still sore
from signing autographs

down at the donut hole this morning.

Brought you some holes
I couldn't finish.

Oh,and,uh,fyi,the overnights
were through the roof.

you don't know what that
means,do you,"overnights"?

Well,that's lingo for overnight ratings,

which shows us leading
among 18-to-49-year-olds,

making wohn western ohio's
number one local newscast.

"Wow" is the word,alma.

you know,I wasn't
always in the spotlight.

But I didn't want to
end up stuck at a lousy

high school wrestling
with mental illness.

Or 40 and single,

coaching the worst football
team in the history of our state.

Or having to go to the salon
every week to have my hair permed.

I didn't want to have
to do that to myself.

So,I sent out my resume,

and I am so happy to tell you
that I am busting out of my box.

I'd love to stay and chat,but
I got a satellite interview.

That's lingo,again,for an interview

via satellite.

excuse me,this isn't the right key.

No,that's actually the right key.

This is the alto part.


Tina's doing the solo.

I-I'm sorry.There must
be some sort of mix-up.

I thought I made it
very clear that anything

from west side story goes to me.

Maria is my part.

Natalie wood was a jew,you know.

I've had a very deep,personal connection
to this role since the age of one.

Well,I'm trying to shake things
up a bit,get us out of our boxes.

You're trying to punish me.

I think you're being irrational.

I think you're being unfair.

I think you're being unfair to tina,

who might've been happy
about getting her first solo.

Tina knows how much I respect her,

and I think she would agree with me that

she's not ready for such
an iconic role as maria.


I'm a jet?

the more times she storms out of
rehearsal,the less impact it has.


This is going well.


I needed to ask you something.

Thanks,but already
have a date to the prom.

But I'm flattered.

I know how important
dances are to teen gays.

I'm not gay.

I just...

I needed a favor.

this is not that
difficult,gentlemen,let's go.

Just relax,okay?

Remember what I told you:

Keep your eye on the
ball,don't try to aim it.

Okay,put your helmet on.

It'll mess up my hair.

Put your...put your helmet on,okay?


good,red's your color.

Thank you for helping me with this,finn.

You're really cool.

Well,I figure,the more crossover
between glee and football,

the easier my life's going to be.

Whoa,whoa,where are you going?

To get my music ready.

Are you nuts?You can't use that.

But we did when we were rehearsing.

Practicing and no one was around.

Look,do you know how much interference
I had to run with these guys

just to get you this tryout?

If you do it your
way,they're going to kill you.

My body is like a rum chocolate souf?

If I don't warm it up
right,it doesn't rise.

If I'm doing this,I'm doing it my way.

So are you two an item now,or...?

He doesn't belong here.

You joined acafellas.What's
the difference?

I'm a stud,dude.

I can wear a dress to school,and
people think it's cool.

Everybody take a knee.

Six games.

Our kicker,mr.Langanthal,

is zero for 12 in field goal attempts.

As most of you
statistically-minded people know,

that sucks!

So,mr.Langanthal will thusly now

be in charge of hydration services.

The next player that can get a footba

between those uprights will get his job.

Hi.I'm kurt hummel,

and I'll be auditioning
for the role of kicker.

I'm up on him,he up on me

don't pay him any attention

just cryin' my tears

for three good years,you
can't be mad at me

'cause if you liked it then
you should've put a ring on it

if you liked it then you
should've put a ring on it

don't be mad once you
see that he want it

'cause if you liked it then
you should've put a ring on it

that was good,right?

- Yeah.Yeah.
- That's good?

can you do that with a game on the line

and ten gorillas bearing down on you

who want nothing more than to
taste your sweet,virgin blood?

Hmm,sounds like fun.

Can I have my music?

You kick like that,you can
wear a tutu,for all I care.


We have found ourselves a kicker!

What it really feels like to miss me,'

cause if you liked it then you
should've put a ring on it,oh-oh-oh.

more mail for you,sue.

But I think there might be some...

some hate mail mixed in from
your editorial on littering.

Well,mr. Mcclung,your station
didn't hire me because I was yella.

Not everyone's going to have the
walnuts to take a pro-littering stance,

but I will not rest until every inch
of our fair state is covered in garbage.

That's why I pay taxes.

It keeps garbagemen earning a living,

so they can afford
tacos for their family.


But I'M...

concerned about your future at wohn.

You see,my daughter goes to your school.

And she says that a lot of the top
cheerleaders are defecting to the show choir.

You know,it makes me wonder if you're,

if you're losing all that talent how
you could expect to win nationals.

See,your segment's all about
being a champion,sue,a winner.


we need you to win nationals.


thanks a bunch.

Great work.



Hey,what's with the silent treatment?

Whatever I did,I'm sorry.

I'm pregnant.

I wasn't sure and...

I really didn't want to go by myself.

I'm so sorry that I
didn't tell you sooner.



Who else's would it be?

But we-we never...

last month.

Hot tub.




think of the mail.

Think of the mail.

You killed him!What are you gonna do?

but we were wearing our swimsuits.

Ask jeeves said a hot tub is the
perfect temperature for sperm.

It helps it swim faster.

Oh,my god.

Oh,my god.

Oh,my god,wait.

- Are-are you going
to get A...?- No.

I really thought I had a
shot of getting out of here.

I've been collecting since 1961.

Isn't this just lovely and normal?

they're my everything.



So,to what do I owe the
honor of your presence?

Oh,I just thought I'd stop
by and say hello,buddy.

Boy,the only thing
missing from this place

is a couple dozen bodies lymed and

rotting in shallow graves
under the floorboards.

Please,have a seat on the casting couch.

its so wonderful to finally
have some sandy time.

I have my bridge game on fridays.

Saturdays,I am fully committed
at the local cat rescue.


let's cut the crap.

I'm living in a cocoon of horror.

yesterday,I ate nine cans
of aerosol whipped cream.




we have similar problems.

You need to be back in the spotlight.

I want to offer you the school's
arts administrator position.

You will have control
of all the arts programs:

glee club.

That's impossible.

Figgins will never allow it.

Oh,don't you worry about figgins.

I'm never letting sandy
ryerson backn this school.

Take a look at this.

Vascular embolisms are a serious
hazard on long distance flights.

So make sure to stretch your legs
every hour to prevent clotting.

For additional protection:

Anti-embolism stockings

can be purchased from
your flight attendants


well,I would hate to think of this
video circulating around the school.

Better yet,youtube.

Our first order of
business is glee club.

I couldn't agree with you more.

William is running it into the ground.

And there's one linchpin
holding that group together.

Rachel berry.How do we steal her away?

Hold on to your easter bonnet,sandy.

I'm going to fire four words at you.

Liza minnelli,celine dion.

Be a LEAD in our High School Musical!

Audition for CABARET!Must audition
with Celine Dion song of your choice

I am yours.

What do you say to takin' chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing there's
solid ground below or

a hand to hold or hell
to pay what do you say?

What do you say?

What's next?

Congratulations,miss sally bowles.

You have just landed the lead.

this is a joke.

William,sandy's never been
formally charged with anything.

And the fact is,upon further
reflection,my firing of him was rash.

This is a wonderful thing,will.

How many times have you
sat in the chair complaining

how I don't care about the arts program?

This was you.

You have always been out to get me.

Well,if I was out to get you,I'd have you
pickling in a mason jar on my shelf by now.

William,take a chill pill.

I'm here to help you.


Is that why you stole my best singer?

An opportunity arose for me to
showcase my talents,and I took it.

How's that any different from when
you quit glee to form your boy band?

Because I didn't do it out of spite.

I'm offended by that accusation.

I've always been a team player.

Just admit it,mr.Shue,you
don't like me very much.

That's not true.

I am your biggest

and sometimes,your
only-- fan.

Look,I know who I am,okay?

I know I can be a little
abrasive,bossy and conceited.

I'm just hurt that you chose to judge
me on that,rather than on my talent.

I know it sounds awful,but
I'm the best one in there.

I try the hardest,and
I want it the most.

Everyone knows that.

And they're scared of it.

They all think that they can slack off

because you'll pick up their weight.

We can't win regionals like that.

We need everyone to
think that they're a star.

We're giving everyone a
chance to think they're a star.

We're providing
opportunities,we're opening doors.

Find your voice,stomp that yard...

all that crap.

What does she have on you?


I tried to play nice with you,william.

But clearly,you prefer
to be adversaries.

So be it.

I'm not quitting glee.

I'm just looking for a reason to stay.

Oh,like me taking the
solo away from tina?

Everyone on the team is getting
something out of being there.

You're doing a great job of
getting them out of their shells,

except for me.

I'm still getting my lipstick
flushed down the toilet.

I still don't have a boyfriend.

Tina's great,but...

why do you have to hurt
me to make her feel good?

Just come to rehearsal.

tonight, tonight it all began tonight

I saw you and the world went away...

tonight,tonight there's only you tonight

what you are what you do what you say...

today,all day I had the feeling

a miracle would happen
I know now I was right...

for here you are and what
was just a world is a star...


That was great,tina.

Good job.

You don't have to say that.

I was sh-sharp.

I c-c-can't
do this.

Hey,look at me.

Have you noticed the more confident
you are,the less you stutter?

hey,I need you to be great at regionals.

To do that,you've got to
know that you can do this.

You have to give this song to rachel.

She's better than me.

And you know she'll quit if you don'T.

I'll t-take one for the team.

y,finn,what's up?

- Hey...
- it's okay.

It's okay.

thanks a lot for this,mr.Shue.

- I couldn't talk to my mom,you know?
- Yeah.

So how far along is she?

Uh,I don't know,uh,a
couple of weeks,maybe.

It's pretty recent,I guess.

Well,what do you...

what do you need me to do?

You want me to...

you want me to set you up
with planned parenthood?


No,it's not even a conversation.

She's keeping it.

I've seen the guys around town
who had kids in high school.

They work here or at the
supermarket or pumping gas or worse.

They're caged.

Got no future.

I can't become one of those dudes.

Mr.Shue,I've got to go to college.

But we don't have any money,and...

I need a football scholarship,

but the only way I'm going to
get one is if we start winning.

I'm not a football coach.

Remember when we were working
on that acafella stuff,

and you helped me and
puck with the dancing?

- Yeah.
- You loosened us up.

That's the football team's problem.

I figured it out watching
kurt kick those field goals.

Check this out.

I got this at the school library.

Did you know you can just
borrow books from there?

All of them.

Except for the encyclopedias,but...

it says in here that walter
payton was a great dancer.

In college,he-he won dance
competitions on soul train.

And he took ballet lessons.

And he even got the whole bears team to
take them the year they won the super bowl.

That's how they came up
with the super bowl shuffle.

Let me just get this straight.

You want me to teach the
football team how to dance?

I don't think ken will go for that.

We'll talk him into it.

Look,you said you needed
guys for glee club,right?

If you can help us win one
game,they'll start to trust you.

Then I'm sure some of
them will want to join.

It's a win-win for both of us.

Eat up.

How far along is she?

A few weeks.

It breaks my heart.

I mean,they're both
so scared to death,ter.

They're just kids.They
can't raise a baby.

Here this poor girl is so ashamed,

she feels like she can't tell anybody.

Can you imagine?

Having to hide something like that?

All that effort,covering that up.

What did you say her name was?

- Quinn?
- Quinn fabray.

Oh,and here's the kicker: She's
president of the celibacy club.

This is garbage!

What the hell does beyonc?have
to do with football?

Why don't you ask kurt?

He seems to be the only one
who can score on this team.

Even in practice.

So we're taking coaching
advice from lance bass now?



Athletes are performers,just
like singers and dancers.

Think about it.

Jim brown,dick butkus...



All pretty tough guys.

All of them had big
careers as performers.

Now,I don't think you guys are losing
because you don't have the talent.

You're losing because you
don't have the right attitude.

Oh,I get it.

We have to think more
like amazonian black women.

Think about it.

If you can sing and
dance in front of people,

everything else is easy.


Step in here.

I'm down with it.

I mean,heck,what do we got to lose?

We gave up our pride when we
lost to that school for the deaf.

sun tzu says in his art of war
to never let the enemy know you.

Our greatest weapon could
be the element of surprise.

Don't tell me that you
wouldn't be on your heels

if the other team started
busting a move on the field.

okay,too much talking,not
enough stretching.

In the choir room in full pads in five.

That's five minutes.Let's go!


Step,ball change,up.

that's good,guys.Your hips
are still a little tight,okay?

It's just like you're playing football.

It's all about the lateral movement.

Just stay low and...

may I?

Watch kurt.

All right,boys.



Point to the finger.


Oh,sneak attack back to the ring.

Comb through the hair.

Slap the butt.

okay,that's enough for today,gentlemen.

We'll work on it.

Just hit the showers.

Um,coach,I don't mean to interject,but,

um,I think we should
end with a show circle.

What's your problem?

Nothing.I just got a lot on my mind.

Seriously,dude,what's going on?

I'm your best friend.


It's personal.

I knew it.

You're in love with kurt.

Quinn's pregnant.She's keeping the baby.

- 'Sup,milf?
- Leave me alone.

Who's the daddy?

I just think it's kind
of weird if it's finn

since you told me you were
a virgin when we did it.

And I know for a fact that
you didn't do it with him.

How can you be so sure?

Finn's mboy.

He would've told me.

You make a habit of sleeping
with your boy's girlfriends?

Well,call the vatican!

We got ourselves another
immaculate conception.

I'd take care of it,you know.


My dad's a deadbeat,but
I don't roll that way.

Weren't you fired for peeing
in the fast-food fryolator?

I've got my pool cleaning business.

We live in ohio.

I had sex with you because you got me drunk
on wine coolers and I felt fat that day.

But it was a mistake.

You're a lima loser and you're
always going to be a lima loser.

how many weeks are you?

From the looks of you,I'd
say no more than five or six.

I assume you haven't
told your parents yet.

How could you?

After daddy bought you this car so you
could drive him to the chastity ball.

You can't raise this baby,quinn.

I'm sorry,but who are you?

I'm just somebody who wants to help.

I don't need your help.

Get the hell out of my car!


What kind of prenatal
vitamins are you taking?

Here,three times a day
or your baby will be ugly.

I don't understand.

What do you want from me?

Anyone sitting here?



Well,at least I know it's clean.


well,I think we,uh,really came
together this week as a team.

Yeah,a gay team.

A big,gay team of dancing gays.

Seriously,finn,it was
fun in practice and all,

but we can't do that out
here in front of everybody.

It'll make us even more of a joke.

all right,divert right.87 on one.



Your mama's so fat,the back of her
neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Give me some ketchup!


punch and judy on one,break!

Come on!



I told you!I told you!

I told...

Jordan versus bird on one!


time out.

dude,we got to do it.

We will be jokes for the
rest of our high school lives.

We're already jokes.

I don't want to be a lima
loser for the rest of my life.

Yo,left tackle

your mama's so fat,her cereal
comes with its own lifeguard

like baywatch!

Hey,ankle grabber.

I had sex with your mother.

No,seriously I cleaned your pool

and then I had sex with her in your bed.

Nice star wars sheets.

Let's do it,captain.

Come on,huddle up.

Huddle up.

Okay,"ring on it" on three.


All right?

Come on,on-on three.


Hut one,two,three.

Let's hit it.

all the single ladies
all the single ladies

all the single ladies
all the single ladies

all the single ladies,now
put your hands up

up in a club,we just broke up

I'm doing my own little thing

you decided to dip,and
now you want to trip

'cause another brother noticed me

I'm up on him,he up on me

don't pay him any attention

just cryin' my tears
for three good years

you can't be mad at me

'cause if you liked it then
you should have put a ring on it

if you liked it then you
should have put a ring on it

don't be mad once you
see that he want it

if you liked it then you
should have put a ring on it

oh,oh,oh oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh,oh

if you liked it then you
should have put a ring on it

if you liked it then you
should have put a ring on it

don't be mad once you
see that he want it

if you liked it then you
should have put a ring on it

oh,oh,oh,oh oh,oh,oh.



you're up,kid.

You make this and we win.

You make this...

and you die a legend.

Can I pee first?

He's so little.

ten hut.

Nighttime skin care is a big
part of my postgame ritual.

I dot know what to say
about that,but,uh...

I was really proud of you tonight,kurt.

I wish your mom would have been there.

I mean,alive.



have something that I want to say.

I'm glad that you're proud of me,

but I don't want to lie anymore.

Being a part of...

the glee club and football has real
showed me that I can be anything.

And what I am... i.

I'm gay.

I know.


I've known since you were three.

All you wanted for your birthday
was a pair of sensible heels.

I guess I'm not totally in
love with the idea,but...

if that's who you are,

there's nothing I can do about it.

And I love you just as much.


Thanks for telling me,kurt.

You're sure,right?

Yeah,dad,I'm sure.

I'm just checking.



It's my gee-ge.

This is the baby blanket my
dad got me the day I was born.

It was the only thing I
had to remember him by.

I used to cry without it.

I took it everywhereith me.

So it's a little dirty.

But I want our baby to have it.

I'm going to do everything
I can to be a good father.

Thank you,finn.


How you doing?

You know,lately I've been getting
really sick in the morning.

Must be a virus.

Hey,you putting on a little weight?

You should watch your carbs.

They're not going to
be able to hoist you

to the top of that cheerleading
pyramid much longer.

Hey,don't talk to my
girlfriend like that.

You know what,you're right.

I was out of line.

See you guys around.

You know,there's a
question I get asked a lot.

Whether I'm accepting
an honorary doctorate

or performing a citizen's arrest

people ask me,"sue,what's your secret?

" Well,I'll tl you my
secret,western ohio.

Hey,guys,let's give a big glee
welcome to our three new members

fresh off their big win on friday night.

Noah puckerman,matt
rutherford and mike chang.

Regionals,here we come.

Sue sylvestes not
afraid to ske things up.

Let's start today with
"tonight" from west side story.


show us what you got.


























Glee Season1 Episode04