Glee (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 12 - Mattress - full transcript

So here's what you missed
last week....

Emma and Ken
are getting married...

...though it seems she
really likes Will...

If we were gonna rate
crush-worthy teachers at this school...

...you'd be number one with a bullet.

Which Ken kinda noticed...

...which makes him really
NOT like Will.

You and I... the whole world
knows that I'm just a...

...consolation prize to you...

How do you think that makes me feel?

Also, Terri said
she's pregnant,
wow.



But really, she's faking
and Mr. Schuster doesn't know.

This baby's the only reason
he's still here.

Will's busy getting the kids
ready for sectionals

Where they're up against
a school for the deaf...

I can't hear you. Talk
into this ear. Scarlet fever.

You're on!

...And a group of juvie girls.

Aphasia, give Mr. Schuster
his wallet back.

But it turns out both of them
are really good.

It's like cool epilepsy.
Also, Sue kicked Quinn out

Of the cheerios
because she's pregnant.

I can't have a pregnant
girl on my squad.

You're a disgrace.

It's not very nice,
but neither is Sue.



Those drinks are crap!

And that's what you missed on...
~~ Glee. ~~

Hey, guys.
Mind if I join you?

So, what's with
all the primping?

Yearbook pictures.

This is the 50th edition

Of the McKinley high school
Thunderclap.

I'm going to drop 20 pounds
by Friday,

Look smoking hot
for that photo,

And be down to a trim 210
for the wedding a week Saturday.

Emma:
Of course, the wedding

Was going to be in Hawaii,
but then they told me

I couldn't bring
my own fruit, so...

But, sectionals is a week
from Saturday.

Oh, man.

Looks like you won't
be able to make it, Eminem.

I, um, I totally forgot
about sectionals.

I'm-I'm sorry.
I wanted to go.

For the kids.

We're not
rescheduling.

The vfw hall is booked
till next June.

The only reason this Saturday
is available

Is 'cause it's
the one year anniversary

Of that grisly
fish fry shoot-out.

I got a monster discount.

We just got to be out of there
before the candlelight vigil.

Emma:
I remember.

Oh, my gosh.

Sue?

Did someone finally punch you?

Edie.

Wiliam. You.

Every year, when the photos
for the thunderclap

Come around, I always elect
to have a little work done.

This year, I got myself
a bit of an eye lift.

And while they were in there,

I told them to go ahead
and yank out those tear ducts.

Wasn't using them.

You know,
I got a storage unit

Full of trophies and medallions.

But, for the rest
of you educators,

These yearbook pictures

Are really
the only concrete proof you have

That anything you've done

In your sorry little lives

Has made any difference
whatsoever.

(slurping)

My cheerios are so excited.

Got them on a yam diet.

It draws the water
out of the skin.

Well, I'm sure my glee kids
are going to be excited, too.

Well, glee kids
don't get a photo.

What? Why is that?

Well, I just had a meeting
with principal Figgins, Eleanor,

And what with
all the vandalism

Of the glee club photos
over the years,

I convinced him
that putting the glee kids

In this year's thunderclap was
subjecting the little freaks

To more humiliation

And ridicule.

Why can't you just accept
the fact that my kids

Are going to take
sectionals this year?

That's not happening.

And stop with
the pointless vendetta.

Emma:
Right.

This is so not fair, Sue.

You know, I'm going to talk
to Figgins about this.

Hey, good luck with that.

You know, you three
are boring me now.

I'm going
to go do something else.

(groans)

Where's Rachel?

She's not here yet.

Perfect.

Glee club stands
on a delicate precipice.

We have all felt the cold

Humiliation
of a slushie in the face.

But as of right now, our
relative anonymity as a club

Shields us from more
severe persecution--

Swirlies.

Patriotic wedgies.

What's a patriotic wedgie?

It's when they hoist you up
the flag pole by your undies.

Strangely, it did make me feel
more American.

Based on
my investigation,

I am of the opinion
that a yearbook photo

Would only fuel the flames
of anti-glee-club terror.

I've done a little
library research.

Peter gellar.
Glee club second tenor, 1998.

He can be seen here with both

A drawn on Hitler mustache
and rice paddy hat.

Shortly after the yearbook
came out,

Mr. Gellar
had a nervous breakdown.

He is now the homeless man

Who sleeps in front
of the public library.

Patches?

Patches.

He barks at my mom.

Kurt:
Exhibit b.

Tawny Peterson.
Glee club class of 2000.

Seen here in her photo with a
cartoon knife stuck in her head,

In a macabre tableau that,
in four years,

Would prove eerily prescient.

I think I speak
for all of us when I say

That not having to pose
for a yearbook photo

Might be a blessing in disguise.

I suggest not fighting
Figgins' ruling.

Will:
Oh, hey, guys.

Ah. Looking at old
thunderclaps?

It's really unsettling.

And totally unfair.

Hey, can I borrow one of these?

You know what?
This year's thunderclap

Is going to have a glee club
photo with every one

Of your smiling faces.

You have my word on it.

Shue,
I'm doing the glee club a solid.

We're denying the opportunity
to other children

To further humiliate them.

No, no, no. Those kids get
up on stage all the time,

No matter what anyone
thinks of them,

And they perform.

They don't let anyone
or anything get to them.

That's something you
should encourage.

Sue is wrong!

Fine. I'll give them a photo.

Thank you.

For $1,000.

What?

That's what is costs.

The yearbook is prime
advertising space, Shue.

Frederickson's funeral parlor

Experienced a 1.3% increase
in revenue

After their full page ad
last year in the thunderclap.

Okay, um...

What about a quarter page?

How much does that cost?

(sighs)

$325.

That will buy you
enough space for a photo

Of two members
of the glee club.

Right below the advertisement

For Uncle Sandro's chicken
inside of a waffle.

Figgins, that's a lot of money.

It's a compromise, Shue.

Now, I suggest you select
a good-looking cheerleader--

Not the pregnant one--

And the quarterback
for the photo

As their faces are less likely

To be scratched out
with safety pins.

Mr. Schuster, I'm very
sorry to interrupt.

Principal Figgins,

As you very well may know,
this is my first year

In glee club
and I've just been informed

That new directions has not
been afforded a yearbook photo.

As you might expect,
my two gay dads

Have a very close relationship
with our local branch

Of the aclu and
if it's up to me...

Beat you to the punch, Rachel.

It's all good.

We're in the yearbook.

Oh. Fantastic.

Thank you so much.

Rachel:
Make fun of me all you want,

But school pictures
are everything to me.

They're great practice
for getting photographed

By the paparazzi.

Invasive as the press may be,

Stars are dependent
on them for their fame,

And I feel I must be prepared.

In order to do so, I join
every club I possibly can.

Know you're thinking that I'm
just joining all of these clubs

To give off the appearance that
I'm involved, known to exist,

But glee club is different.

I really love glee

And I believe
in what we stand for.

We've come from behind,

Dismissed and ridiculed
by everyone,

And we've made something
of ourselves,

Something that I'm proud
to be a part of,

Something I want
to be remembered for.

(giggling)

Oh, that's got
the whole flag.

Quinn:
I miss my cheerios uniform.

Made me feel safe.

Contained.

Even when I was feeling
left out,

At least I looked like
I was a part of something.

I want my kids to be able
to look back at these books

And see who I was,

Make them proud.

Not the bastard one
I'm carrying now, of course,

The ones I'll have
when I'm married and ready.

I might not look like
the head cheerleader anymore,

But I'm still her
on the inside.

I'm done playing the victim.

When that cheerleading picture
is taken for the yearbook,

I'm going to be in it
and back on the squad,

Whether Sue Sylvester
likes it or not.

Hey, baby. Which one of these
ties goes better with my shirt?

You're blocking
the tv, Will.

Oh, come on. I need your help.

School pictures are coming up.

Oh. Well, in that case, um...

Wear the red one
for the teacher photo

And the green one
for the glee club.

Okay.

It'll pop more
when the cool kids deface it.

Yeah. I, uh...

I wanted to talk to you
about that.

So, Figgins stopped putting the
glee club photo in the yearbook

Because it always
gets vandalized,

And I just feel
so bad for the kids.

I mean, they work so hard.
They deserve to be recognized.

Not being in that book
gives the appearance

That glee club isn't important.

(sighs)

I want to buy an ad and use it
as the glee club photo spread.

It's around $300.

Oh, great.

Yeah, why don't you
take the food

Out of the refrigerator and
just give that to the kids?

Will, that food
goes from my mouth

Right into our baby's belly.

We have a couple hundred bucks
left over

From selling
the blue bomber ii.

The answer's no, Will. No.

But if we...
No!

No. No.

(sighs)

Actually, can you wait to
cash that until Thursday?

(sighs)

(bell ringing)

(playing scales)

Kurt, I have a
fantastic idea for a club

That would officially make me
the most involved student

In the whole school.

I want us to start
a gaylesball.

I'm sorry?

The gay-lesbian alliance.

Gay-lesb-all.

Hey, guys!

Great news!

Glee club gets a photo
in the thunderclap.

(murmuring unenthusiastically)
yep.

It's going to show everyone
at the school

That glee club is on its way up.

When we win regionals,

Those claps are going to be
collector's items.

I mean, all of your classmates
are going to be

Begging for your autographs.

(halfhearted cheering)

But I had to compromise
to do it.

Um, we only get a quarter page
in back.

Which means we have to pick
two team captains

To appear in the photo.

So, tomorrow we're going
to put it to a vote.

Exciting, huh?

All right.

(bell ringing)

Well, we're all here.
I guess we should vote.

With your permission,

I have prepared a few words.

I nominate Rachel.
Second.

All right, let's vote up
in this piece.

I gotta go hit the gym and load
up the guns of Puckerone

For the football picture.

Looks like everybody
voted for Rachel.

Including Rachel.

But we need two captains, guys.

Why two?

We're fine with having Rachel
represent us

In the thunderclap
by herself.

We'd actually prefer it.

(bell ringing)

Will:
The worst part is

That after all this time,

They're still embarrassed
to be in glee club.

I mean, they still see
themselves as losers.

To step up
and become co-captain.

Well, maybe you should
let them use the captain

They already elected.

You know, sometimes sound a lot
different coming from a peer.

Even if that peer
is an annoying as Rachel.

You know,

None of this is going to matter
if they win at sectionals.

I'm really sorry
I can't be there.

Yeah, I wanted to talk
to you about that.

I-I kind of think Ken
scheduled your wedding

The same day on purpose.

You know,

So... So you couldn't go.

Why would he do that?

Come on.

We both know how he feels
about our... Relationship.

I'm marrying Ken, Will.

Look, I know
that I've...

I've definitely given him
reason in the past

To be jealous,
but I need you to know

That I'm done with that now.

Ken has a lot
of flaws.

He has 74 flaws as of yesterday,
but, you know what,

He is not vindictive.

He's actually
a very good man.

He is kind and he's great with
the students here at McKinley.

We have that in common.

And yes, it's true, his hygiene
could be a lot better,

But he is absolutely
full of compassion

And... Well, that is why
I'm marrying him.

You're right.

I was out of line.

It won't happen again.

(bell ringing)

You wanted
to see me, Mr. Shue?

Oh, yeah, Rach.

Sit down.

So, how's the new
captaincy going?

I think that my
unanimous election

Gave me a very strong
mandate to shake things up.

Great. Well,

I have a job for you, captain.

We need a co-captain.

You have so many
great ideas,

No reason you shouldn't
have some help

Pushing them through.

I could use a trusty lieutenant.

I do have over 65 proposals.

So, can I count on you?

No problem.

I'm on it.

Um, I can't be co-captain.
No time. Kwanza.

Kwanza's late
December, Mercedes.

The photo's
this Thursday.

Yeah, prepping early this year.

("You Might Think" by the Cars
playing)

I'd love to be in
the photo, Rachel,

But you'd be standing
and I'd be sitting

And it would throw off
the whole composition.

I'll lean over.

But if you lean over...

It will look like
you have stomach rolls.

On second thought,

I don't think that you're
leadership material, Artie.

Follower.

Brittany, this is a
once in a lifetime opportunity.

No way.
Why not?

Because I don't want to be
in a picture with you.

It'll get defaced.

No, it won't.
Yes, it will.

I'll be the one doing it.

Rachel:
I'm desperate.

Glee club needs you, Finn.

I'm totally honored
you asked me,

But don't you think you should
pick somebody

Who, like, cares more?

Not that I don't,

But I just have football
and friends and stuff.

Glee club only started working
after you joined.

Face it, we wouldn't have
all of the cheerleaders

And football players
in the club

If it wasn't for you.

You know I love glee club.

I just don't know why
I have to represent it.

Because you're
a leader, Finn.

And that's what
leaders do.

They stick their necks out
for people that they care about.

There are stakes here.

Morale is low, you know it.

If things don't change,

We're not even going
to place at sectionals.

And then the club is over.

I can't do this alone.

You don't have to.

I am a leader.

That's who I am,
who I want to be.

You got yourself a co-captain.

I'll do the picture with you.

I totally understand that
as captain of the football team,

You've worked really hard
to project an appearance

Of steely toughness, but
glee club is different.

We have to present
the appearance

Of positivity and optimism.

So... We're gonna practice,

And I'm going to teach you

How to smile correctly
for your photo.

("Smile" begins playing)

~~ when you first left me,
I was wanting more ~~

~~ you were kissing
that girl next door ~~

~~ what'd you do that for? ~~
~~ what'd you do that for? ~~

~~ when you first left me ~~

Both:
~~ I didn't know what to say ~~

~~ I never been
on my own that way ~~
~~ own that way ~~

~~ just sat by myself all day ~~
~~ myself all day ~~

~~ I was so lost back then ~~
~~ ah... ~~

~~ but with a little
help from my friends ~~

~~ I found a light
in the tunnel at the end ~~

~~ ah... ~~
~~ and now you're
calling me up on the phone ~~

~~ so you can have
a little whine and a moan ~~
~~ ah... ~~

~~ and it's only because
you're feeling alone ~~
~~ ah... ~~

~~ at first,
when I see you cry... ~~

~~ it makes me smile ~~

~~ yeah, it makes me smile ~~

~~ at worst
I feel bad for a while ~~

~~ but then I just smile ~~

~~ I go ahead and smile ~~

~~ la-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la, la-la-la ~~

~~ la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la ~~

~~ la-la-la, la-la-la,
la-la-la, la-la-la ~~

~~ la-la-la ~~

~~ at first when I see you cry ~~

~~ see you cry ~~

~~ it makes me smile ~~
~~ makes me smile ~~

~~ yeah, it makes me smile ~~
~~ yeah, it makes me smile ~~

~~ at worst
I feel bad for a while ~~

~~ feel bad for a while ~~
~~ but then I just smile ~~

~~ I go ahead and smile ~~
~~ smile ~~

~~ go ahead and smile. ~~

(Rachel giggling, fades)

What the hell?!

Hey, man, shh, we're practicing,
dude. Chill out.

We heard you're going to be
in the glee club photo,

And we don't want to
mess up messing it up.

Screw you, Karofsky!

I'm sick of you
pulling people down.

Hey, man, don't talk
that kum-bah-yay-yah crap.

All right, you know
the system's put in place

To keep order around here.

You know what, I'm gonna
give you some options, okay?

Do you want me to put
the Hitler mustache

On your glee club picture,
or you want the buck teeth

On your glee club picture?
Which one do you want?

It don't matter to me
either way.

I'll put...
(grunts)

Hey, how do you
spell "loser"?

I'm gonna write it
on his forehead.

His big ol' potato head.

You could write a whole haiku
on that thing.

(bell rings)

Can we shake a leg here?

Fine.

I'm ready.

I'll... Do it myself.

(shutter clicks)
wait, I...

I insist on only being shot
from my left side.

Yeah, I kind of need
to see your teeth.

It's sort of my job here.

I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm upset.

My co-captain bailed
and it just...

I'm sorry, I just need a minute.

Rachel:
Snap out of this.

Stop being defined by what
other people think of you,

Or how they disappoint you.

It's lonely at the top,
you know that.

What's that song
about overcoming

Professional and personal
disappointments?

Oh, yeah.

~~ when you're smiling,
when you're smiling ~~

~~ the whole world
smiles with you. ~~

I'm ready.

Great.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That-that's it?

I practiced over
18 different poses

For this shoot, and I haven't
even shown you

Any of my over
the left shoulder pose. See?

Sorry, kid, I got to blow.

I got a casting session
in half an hour.

A... A casting session for what?

My brother-in-law is shooting
a commercial for his store.

I'm directing it.

I just do these school
photos for the money.

(sobbing)

Uh, uh, okay.

Wait, no, don't...

I can take a couple more
pictures for you.

I can cry on demand.

It's one
of my many talents.

I'm very versatile,

And aside from nudity
and the exploitation of animals,

I'll pretty much do anything
to break into the business.

We-well, you certainly
seem talented and all,

But I need...

There's other speaking
parts in this thing.

I need, like, a bunch
of other actors, too.

I can help with that.

I'd like to call
this meeting to order.

Oh, hello, Finn.

How nice of you to show.

Finn:
Look, I'm sorry.

The guys
were harassing me

In the locker
room about it.

They said that if I took
the glee club photo,

That they'd make me choose
between an Hitler mustache

Or buck teeth, and I can't
rock either of those looks.

Do you think I have
a potato head?

Rachel:
Okay, look, I realize now

That all of you think that
glee club is just a joke.

Okay, and you're convinced

That we can't win, and you're
content to just sit idle by

Until Figgins cancels the club.

Well,

I'm about to present to you
a rare opportunity.

The opportunity
to become stars.

How?

We've all been cast
in a local commercial.

Are you serious?
Yes, Finn,

And while
all of you have been

So concerned with your
appearance in this school,

I've landed glee club
its first big break.

Simply put,

Making us all celebrities.

Okay, and no one

Messes with celebrities
or defaces their pictures.

What's the commercial?

Hold on to your hats
and get ready to sell...

...Some mattresses!

(excited chatter)

I'm getting a nice pair
of black suspenders.

Simple black.

My mom's going
to be really proud.

Let's do our camera face.

I can't believe we're finally
breaking into the biz!

You guys, I want us to always
remember this moment.

Soon, there may be agents
and managers and movie deals,

But right now I want us
to remember what it feels like

To be here
together as a team.

Whatever. Soon as I get
my record deal,

I'm not speaking
to any of you.

(snickering)

Okay, guys, we're very excited
to have you here.

We here at mattress land
believe that mattresses

Aren't just for sleeping
and fornicating anymore.

We believe that buying
an affordable mattress

Should be fun.

All right,
let's go over the script.

I think it's pretty brilliant.

I wrote it myself.
Action!

(clears throat)
"ah, me."

"what's wrong?"

"we just lost our jobs...

"at the factory,

And we can't get
a good night's sleep."

Rachel:
"chipper up!

"come on down to mattress land.

"we've got near-wholesale prices

To fit your style
and pocketbook."

I-I'm sorry.
Mr. Cusperberg.

This script is brilliant,

But we're a glee club,
and we should perform.

Perform the lines
as I wrote them.

Wait a minute, Dennis.

What did you
have in mind?

~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ ba-ba, ba-da ~~

~~ ba, ba-da-da ~~

(melodious yell)
~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ ba, ba, ba-da ~~

~~ ba, ba-da-da ~~

~~ I get up ~~
~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ and nothing gets me down ~~
~~ ba, ba ba-da ~~

~~ ba, ba-da-da ~~

~~ you got it tough ~~
~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ I've seen
the toughest around ~~
~~ ba, ba, ba-da ~~

~~ ba, ba, da-da ~~

~~ and I know ~~
~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ baby, just how you feel ~~

~~ ba, ba da-da ~~

~~ you've got to roll
with the punches ~~

~~ to get to what's real ~~

~~ ba, ba, da-da ~~

~~ oh, can't you see me
standing here ~~

~~ I got my back
against the record machine ~~

~~ I ain't the worst
that you've seen ~~

~~ ain't the worst
that you've seen ~~

~~ oh, can't you see
what I mean? ~~

~~ can't you see what I mean? ~~

~~ yeah ~~
~~ might as well jump ~~

Jump!
~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ might as well jump ~~
~~ ba, ba, ba-da ~~

~~ ba, ba-da-da ~~

~~ go ahead, jump ~~
jump!

~~ ba, ba, ba ~~

~~ go ahead and jump ~~
~~ ba, ba-da-da ~~

~~ jump... ~~

~~ ba, ba, ba, ba-ba, ba-da ~~

~~ jump... Yeah ~~
~~ might as well jump ~~

~~ might as well jump ~~

~~ ba, ba, da-da ~~
~~ go ahead and jump ~~

~~ hey, hey, yeah ~~

~~ go ahead and jump ~~

~~ ba, ba, da-da ~~

~~ jump, jump, jump ~~
~~ oh, oh, oh ~~

~~ yeah... ~~
~~ ba-da, ba-ba-da-da ~~

~~ jump! ~~

Come on down
to mattress land!

All:
Come on down to mattress land!

Uh...

Terri, have you seen
my pocket square?

(sighs)

Terri?

(sighs)

Terri?

A pocket square's
gonna make you look
like Ted Knight.

What is this?

It's a pregnancy pad.

They have them at the maternity
stores for trying on clothes

So you can see how you're gonna
look when you're showing.

Kendra stole it for me
so I could see

If any of her old
clothes would fit...

Pick up your shirt.

What?

No.

(clattering)

Pick up your shirt.

You're scaring me, Will.

Think about what
you're accusing me of.

Think about it and turn around
and go find your pocket square.

(gasps)

Please?

(gasping breath)

(whimpers)

(gasps)

Why did you do this to us?

I don't understand!

I thought
you were leaving me.

You're so different, Will.

We both know it.
I can feel you.

You're pulling away from me.

Why, because I-I've started
standing up to you?

Trying to make this
a relationship of equals?

No, because of the damn
glee club.

Ever since
you started it,

You just walk around

Like you're better than me!

I should be allowed
to feel good about myself!

Who are we kidding, Will?

This marriage works because

You don't feel good
about yourself.

This marriage works
because I love you,

Because I've always
accepted you, good and bad.

You loved the girl you met
when you were 15.

I'm not that girl.

You've made yourself
a stranger to me now.

Are you happy?
Are you satisfied?!

It didn't start as a lie.

I really thought I was pregnant.

And then the doctor,

He said it was a hysterical
pregnancy, and I...

I just panicked!

This is insane.

What were you gonna do
when the due date came?

Quinn Fabray.

It was so perfect.

She didn't want hers,
and I needed one.

I had the doctor use her
ultrasound DVD

At your appointment
that you came to.

(scoffs)

I loved you, Terri.

I really loved you.

I'm so sorry, Will.

I'm so sorry.

Do you remember
at that appointment?

Do you remember what we said?

That at that moment,
no matter what happened,

We loved each other.

We could get that
feeling back again.

You could love me
back, Will!

Please, Will!
Please, don't go!

Please, don't go!
Please?!

Oh, god.

Sue:
Am I asking for too much,

Ohio board of statewide
holiday planning?

All I want is just one day
a year

Where I'm not visually assaulted
by uglies and fatties.

Seriously, Ohio,
these retinas need a day off.

So here's the dream:

Friday after christmas--
which I have off--

If you're hideous, stay at home.

Spend the entire day watching
home videos of a time

When you weren't
too repulsive for me

To ever want to look at.

And that's how Sue sees it.

Rod.

Slammin', Sue.

We'll be right back.

Hey, andrea, that
"Sue's Corner" I just did,

Was talking about you.

(on tv):
~~ go ahead and jump! ~~

Rachel:
Who says finding a mattress
can't be fun?

At mattress land,

We have mattresses of all shapes
and sizes

At prices that won't break
your pocketbook.

No credit? No problem!

Mattress land has
a no-hassle financing

Of 12.9% with no money down
and no payments till next year.

You'll jump for joy
at our prices.

All:
Come on down to mattress land!

(school bell ringing)

Coach Sylvester,
we need to talk.

Oh, I got nothing to say
to you, prego.

The cheerios' photo's tomorrow,
and I want back on that squad.

Oh, is that what you want?

Well, what I wanted was a head
cheerleader who wasn't going

To hoist her legs behind her
ears in the backseat

Of the first station wagon
she could jimmy open,

Throwing away any chance
she ever had in life.

It would be good
for the school.

Show everyone that
appearances don't matter.

That sometimes people have to
deal with a little adversity.

I learned that
in glee club.

Well, that little educational
proverb must have slithered

From Will Schuester's mouth
right after his lesson

On how to disqualify yourselves
from sectionals.

What?

Saw your little commercial
last night.

Boy, did you glee kids
step in it.

Shue, I'm afraid Sue is right.

You have indeed stepped in it.

No, I didn't even know
this was going on.

Of course, you didn't, Wiliam.

You wouldn't know if your glee
club was using your office

To breed rabbits for pets
or for food. And you know why?

You're too busy chasing tail
and loading your hair

With enormous amounts
of product!

I mean, today it just looks
like you put lard in it.

What are you
even talking about?!

Look, look,
the kids did the commercial

To foster a feeling of unity
after you--

Not anyone else-- you got them
banned from the yearbook.

That's what I did,
yes, I admit it.

It was an innocent mistake.

And what if I were to just
innocently murder you, Will?

I'd still have
to go to trial.

Probably get off with
justifiable homicide.

Let me review the
rules for you.

Wiliam, amendment 63,
seventh addendum:

"no professional activity of
any kind will be tolerated,

"and payment for services
rendered negates amateur status,

Triggering immediate
disqualification."

Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, keep it civil.

Hey, what, mister?!

No, keep it
simple, folks!

Keep it simple.

Hey, I'm sorry, Shue,

But I cannot let this slide.

But the kids
weren't even paid!

There's a stack of
mattresses in the choir room

Piled as high as the
empty hair gel bottles

In the dumpster
outside your apartment!

Okay, we'll give
the mattresses back.

Shue, one of those
mattresses was used.

You can't return
a used mattress.

You can't even
donate one to charity.

Lice, bedbugs--
I looked it up online!

Is there any reason
that you have

A soiled mattress
in your office, Will?

Have you and the redhead
become so sexually depraved

That you have to commit
your craven acts of adultery

In between classes?

What?

You know what, okay, fine.

I slept here, all right?

Excuse me?

(sighs)

I'm thinking about
leaving my wife.

Well, I didn't see
that one coming at all.

Wiliam, I am very sorry
about your personal troubles

But my hands are tied.

Sue's right--
you broke the rules.

I cannot fight
the scholastic board.

I'm sorry but glee club is over.

It's over!

Sue:
"Dear Journal,

"I've finally gotten
Will Schuester

"and that glee club
out of my hair.

"this is a day
that will live in infamy.

Once again, I've won."

Miss Sylvester.

It's like looking at
a porno star in a nun's habit.

I wanted to show you
that it still fits.

My baby bump isn't that bad,

It's just like
I had a big lunch.

Take it off.

You need to get it
through your pregnant head,

There's no way
you're getting in that photo

Or back on the cheerios.

End of story.

You're a hypocrite.
Excuse me?

I just heard that
you got glee club's

Amateur status revoked
over a mattress.

While you are constantly

Showering the cheerios
with swag.

I've gotten free shoes,

Complimentary tanning,
haircuts.

The season tickets
to Cedar Point--

We sold those on ebay.

For a profit.

It seems to me that
if Figgins found out,

You would get banned
from competition.

Fine.

You're back on the cheerios.

I'll put you on full-time
dry cleaning duty

And shove you to the back
of the photo to hide your shame.

I'm not finished.

Glee club gets
a full page photo.

That's not up to me.

You are giving up one
of the cheerios' six pages

And you are giving it to
the glee club free of charge.

You know, Q, I'd forgotten

Just how ruthless
you really are.

You're like a young
Sue Sylvester.

Now, get out of my office.

If you can manage to
squeeze through the door

Without your water breaking
all over my new carpet.

You know what?

I don't think I want to be
a cheerio after all.

I don't want to be on a team
where I only appear to belong.

I'd rather be a part of
a club that's proud to have me

Like glee club.

(sighing):
It's my fault.

If I hadn't slept
on that mattress,

We could've just returned
them and moved on.

Hey, can I give you some advice?

Please.

You need to give yourself
a break.

(scoffs)
you do.

You'll figure out what to do
with the kids, you always do.

But I think right now

You really need to focus
on your own life.

You know, divorce
is a really big deal.

Who said anything
about getting a divorce?

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

I just assumed

That that's...

Is that what you would do?

Well, um...

When I first heard about

What Terri had done,

Oh, gosh, no, I thought there
should be some sort of law.

But then when I thought

About it some more,

Thought about
what I would've done

If I'd felt you slipping away...

You would never be that cruel.

No, her methods were wrong,
but, um,

I totally understand
her intentions.

You're a lot to lose, Will.

But we don't want to go
to sectionals without you.

(sighs)

It's without me or not at all.

Look, I was the one
who slept on the mattress,

Which means I accepted them,
not you.

Which means I'm disqualified
from competition,

Not you guys.

He's taking the
bullet for us.

Solid.

(sighing):
We have worked too hard

For you guys
not to get your shot.

We can't do this without you,
Mr. Shue.

Hell, we probably
can't do it with you.

That's not true.

You guys are good.

You're really good.

You did "Jump" for that
commercial without me, right?

Look, the best teachers
don't give you the answers.

They just point the way and
let you make your own choices.

Your own mistakes.

That way you get all the glory.

And you deserve it.

Look, if... If you can't win
without me there,

Then I haven't done my job.

We're really
sorry, Mr. Shue.

I know.

I want you guys
to go get gussied up

And take that glee club photo
with pride.

I want to see a smile
on every one of your faces.

~~ ~~

~~ smile though
your heart is aching ~~

~~ smile even though
it's breaking ~~

~~ when there are clouds
in the sky ~~

~~ you'll get by ~~

~~ if you smile
through your pain and sorrow ~~

~~ smile and maybe tomorrow ~~

~~ you'll see the sun
come shining through ~~

~~ for you ~~

~~ light up your face
with gladness ~~

~~ hide every trace of sadness ~~

~~ although a tear ~~

~~ may be ever so near ~~

~~ that's the time ~~

~~ you must keep on trying ~~

~~ smile,
what's the use of crying? ~~

~~ you'll find that life
is still worthwhile ~~

~~ if you just smile ~~

~~ ~~

~~ smile though
your heart is aching ~~
~~ is aching ~~

~~ smile even though
it's breaking ~~
~~ it's breaking ~~

~~ when there are clouds
in the sky ~~

~~ you'll get by ~~

~~ that's the time
you must keep on trying ~~

~~ smile,
what's the use of crying? ~~

~~ you'll find that life
is still worthwhile ~~

~~ if you just smile ~~

~~ you'll find that life
is still worthwhile ~~

~~ if you just smile... ~~

~~ smile. ~~

"A day without a laugh is a wasted day." - Charles Chaplin