Girls5eva (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Can't Wait 2 Wait - full transcript
Summer's parents urge her to stay chaste until she finds "The Two"; Dawn gets a little too close to Ray during a late night at the studio; Wickie dates a celebrity whom she cannot name due to an NDA.
- Summer, of Girls5eva...
- Yeah.
- Let's talk about
your music career.
Are you a virgin?
- Yes.
I made a promise to myself
and my parents and my God.
It's why I wear
this purity ring.
I want my wedding
night to be special
because we're probably
gonna be in a Hyatt.
- Next up, we ask the
guys of Matchbox Twenty
about singing and
playing instruments.
[pop music]
all: ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
♪ It's too short ♪
♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪
♪ 'Cause that's 1
more than 2gether ♪
♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪
♪ Girls5eva ♪
- Ugh!
Your shower makes me
smell like tap water.
- What? You got a big date?
- I cannot disclose the
size of the man I'm meeting.
I signed an NDA with
"The NBA on TNT."
- Oh. Well, that's how most
great love stories start.
- Dawn, remember
when I made a promise
that I would always tell
you when your clothes
disappointed me?
- No.
- You weren't there,
but I made a promise.
What are those?
- Oh, my sheers.
What, you don't have TV pants
where you put in so many ass
hours they're kinda clear?
Scott, start it.
- Enjoy your crushing mundanity.
Just sitting there,
reeking of tap water.
- Previously on
"Business Throne"...
- You look like a fucking dildo
that melted in a dishwasher.
Happy birthday, son.
- They're so terrible
in beautiful places.
- The only thing left is
Brown Mountain Bold Squeeze?
Come on, guys.
- Morning, ladies.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- How do you all
feel about a box
to kick your trainers against?
- Okay.
- I like an
assignment, personally,
'cause if there's no box,
I'm just kicking air,
and what's that
all about, right?
- What are you saying?
- Tate's email.
The label is hoping the
album can have a love song.
- I'm not gonna write
them a love song
'cause they ask for it.
- No.
- You know, something
raw and achingly true
that can one day be
in a Super Bowl ad
where a lady likes
a travel website.
- Well, they came
to the right place,
because I can't do anything
without bringing
sex to the table.
[chuckles]
- I'm bringing the heat too.
Caroline and I are back in biz.
- I did stuff last night too.
- Really?
- What? Wait, with who?
What base? Why am I
being so aggressive?
- Okay. His name is Liam,
and we met on Christian Kringle.
It's a dating site for
Christians who love Santa.
I can't say that it
was the best date.
I had fun. [chuckles]
- Me too.
- Oh.
[moaning]
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
It's just... it's been
a really long time.
But then we went
inside and had...
[whispering] Sex.
Yeah, it wasn't magical.
I didn't see fireworks.
- Still, I'm proud
of you for trying.
- Thanks.
- Summer, if I could
give you some advice
from my own life...
- Oh.
- I cannot.
I signed an NDA with
"The NBA on TNT,"
but know that it would've
been magnificent.
- Oh, Wickie, thank you.
- You're welcome.
[novelty car horn playing]
- Oh, my God! Mommy and Daddy?
- Surprise!
- [laughs]
- Surprise!
- We surprised her!
A mama knows a
baby's surprise face.
- I'm so surprised.
What are you doing here?
- Well, we rerouted our
ministry tour to come by
and check in on our baby.
Plus, there's an
Annie Sez in Passaic
that's got a sale on
inspirational denim, so...
- How's my little girl holding
up after the big split?
- I'm good. Thanks.
- Good, good. Well,
you know what?
We didn't wanna show
up empty-handed,
and now that the house
has more room in it...
- We thought we'd bring you
your old Little Baby
Ladies collection.
- [laughs]
- [laughs] Ah!
- And don't worry. They're
still in mint condish.
We didn't want the
value to go down.
- That's so nice that
you guys are here.
Kev took Stevia to Las
Vegas to tour hype houses.
So yeah...
I'm all alone.
- Oh.
- Let me help you with
your luggage, Daddy.
- No, I got it.
This one's heavy,
'cause it's all thumb rings.
- Oh.
- [laughs]
- Yeah, okay.
- Oh, you are blessed.
- And then I just put
everything in a big bowl,
and I mix it up.
And it doesn't even
matter which way you stir.
- [laughs]
- Well, look at you.
You're cooking
salads, making music,
offering to carry bags.
You are thrivin' and arrivin'.
- Thank you.
- Now, honey, your
mom and I know
this has been a
tough season for you.
We all thought Kev was it.
But sometimes the
big man shanks it.
- I know. I really
thought Kev was the one.
- Well, your mom and I are here
to get you onto the
path to finding the two.
- We just want you to
be as happy as we are.
Both: Muah!
- Yep. Happy as clams.
- Oh, an animal God got right.
No notes!
- Well, what you guys
have is what I want, obvs.
- Well, good, because
in the early '90s,
I took a vow to protect
your purity until marriage.
And now you are once
again unmarried.
So it looks like Daddy
is back on the job.
Huh! Hah!
- [laughs]
You are too much.
- So, Summer,
until you find the two,
would you be willing
to keep it chaste
below the waist?
[quirky music]
- Wow, y'all.
Wow.
- ♪ Tonight is the night ♪
♪ That only happens tonight ♪
♪ Tomorrow is just
yesterday's tonight ♪
- If you don't need
anything, I'm gonna head out.
I found this single slab coaster
I think I can save if
I plant it tonight.
- There's been, like,
10 billion love songs.
The Beatles just got to
be like, "Love me do."
It's easy when you
get to go first
and then just ski around
for a whole movie.
- Dawn, you need a brain break.
Okay.
What do you do when you want
to just turn off the noise?
- I don't know.
Drink red wine out of a mug.
- Okay. Let's do that, then.
Uhh... oh.
There is Brown Mountain Merlot.
- Is it gonna be hot?
- We could do a small little
vow thing right here on Sunday.
- It's vital that we
protect your purity
during this vulnerable time.
I mean, you're a divorcee,
and, well, that sounds French.
- I know it does.
- And you're now a
internet villain.
So the temptation to do bad
is gonna be very hard to resist.
And if you think your
mother and I didn't notice
those lowlights,
think again, missy.
- No... don't get me wrong.
The ring is very beautiful,
and I do need something
to balance my hand out.
It's just...
- Excuse me.
Do you have parents
on your feet?
'Cause we're up here.
- What'd you do, baby-lady?
- I did...
It.
- Oh, my Lord!
Oh, my Lord. Oh,
show me his face!
No, I can't. I can't
do it. I can't do it.
I can't do it. No,
I wanna see it.
Okay, let me see
it. I'll squint.
- His name is Liam.
- Liam, huh?
More like a "Lie-am."
- Oh.
- He's got a empty earring hole.
That means secrets.
He is not the two,
and you'd have known that
if you'd have made him
wait 11 months to
touch your shoulder.
[quirky music]
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm exhausted
from undisclosed
glamorous location.
- How was your date
with obviously Shaq?
- I cannot confirm nor deny
the thing I want you to know,
but cannot say.
[sighs]
But what I can say
is we had a meet-cute
at the Atlanta Airport,
and I saw him, and I said,
"Are you 'name redacted'?"
And he said, "Of course
I'm 'name redacted.'
Who else do you know that's
seven-foot-'redacted'?"
Where were you?
- I was working.
You're welcome.
- Did you and Ray
crack the song?
- Yeah. Progress.
- Well, let's hear it.
- ♪ Gee-lohhw-ers... ♪
♪ Goh-dehrr, goh-dehrr ♪
- Those aren't words.
♪ ♪
[whispering] Did you
hook up with Ray?
- Shh, no! No.
We just... we had a brain break.
- And did what?
- You're gonna think
this is really lame,
but we watched the
new "Business Throne."
- [gasps] Gasp!
- What? No gasp. Why gasp?
- Because in your basic
little life, that is cheating.
- What? It's a TV show.
- And I want you
to imagine yourself
saying out loud,
"Scott, I watched
'Business Throne'
with another man."
- [gasps]
- See? Gasp.
- Oh, hey. I fell
asleep in Max's room.
You ready for ep nine?
- Yep, I'm up.
- The penultimate.
Hmm.
Is Shaq funny in real life?
- Is who funny in what?
[button clicks]
[dramatic music playing]
- I wonder how many
helicopters we're gonna see.
- If I could go back
in time, I would've
blasted on your
mother's stomach.
Fuck off, son!
- They're so mean.
I'm so happy.
- Oh, okay. Okay.
- It's not gonna happen again.
Stop making me feel guilty.
I already have enough
general Italian guilt
and Catholic shame
for being born naked.
- It's a dangerous
game you're playing,
like when "name withheld"
and I played "Twister."
I nearly suffocated.
There's a new glint on the wall.
Who got a new ring?
- Oh, I did.
- Did you get engaged to that
guy you didn't even like?
- No.
It's from my parents.
I don't even know if
I'm gonna keep it.
- What? It's so nice.
- I know. It's, um...
it's a purity ring.
You know, until I marry the two.
- What? You're
39, you're not 13.
- Hey, you said next
weird thing I did
you were gonna shut up.
- There... there isn't even...
You can't... you
can't po... you...
You are lucky I just
swallowed a diatribe.
- Okay, I didn't
say I'm doing it.
I said I'm thinking about it.
I mean, I do wanna
get remarried,
and waiting is kinda my brand.
- ♪ I can't wait 2 wait ♪
- ♪ Don't make me
wait any longer ♪
both: ♪ To wait
makes us stronger ♪
- ♪ You don't have
to carry shrimp ♪
♪ To be a super cool waiter ♪
both: ♪ So let's
make a date to... ♪
♪ ♪
- Sure, but...
- It's not done.
♪ ♪
both: ♪ Wait ♪
- Summer, this is backwards.
You cannot let your
parents run your sex life.
- Okay, I'm supposed
to take moral advice
from a woman mentally
raw-dogging our producer
through an HBO show?
- I am not.
How do you even know that?
- Wickie and I are on a Slack.
You guys, the only reason why
I'm really considering this
is because I love
my parents so much,
and, you know, they
did purity rings.
And they're so happy. They
have the perfect marriage.
- Hey!
- Hi, y'all!
How are ya?
- There they are.
- Hello.
- Chris and Kris.
- Hello.
- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dutkowsky.
- We went to the park. We
got our portraits made,
but he could only
draw Al Pacino, so...
- Oh, look at that.
[laughter]
- Booyah!
- From the movie.
- You ready, Summer?
- Okay. I'm just gonna run
and take 'em to
brunch. I'll be back.
Hang on, I'll get my coat.
- Guys.
Guys, she's on the fence.
We need to take control here.
- Or we could let it fly,
because I don't care.
- No, we gotta be the whores
to shut this thing down.
- Oh! Hey, you guys!
Oh, you know, I
could hook us all up
at my brother's restaurant.
It's very authentish Italian.
- Ethnic. I'll gamble.
- I'm easy. I'll go
anywhere there's clams.
Well, my leg, everyone in
here looks like Al Pacino.
[laughter]
- Mama.
- True.
- Hey, Kris, can I talk to you
woman-to-woman for a second?
- Copy.
Now, I don't have a Kotex on me,
but this is horse hair.
- No.
- No, you cradle it the same.
You can take it.
- No, no, no, no,
no. Somebody else go.
- Hey, Kris, you seem
like a modern woman,
wearing a brooch.
Don't you think
this purity stuff
is a little outdated?
- We did it, and we just had
our 40th wedding
anniversary last October.
Look, Summer was
a honeymoon baby.
Bull's-eye right
out of the gate.
- I was a hole in one.
[laughter]
- Thank you.
- Oh, well.
- Oh, look at that.
- Here we go.
Steak for an angel.
- Let's do this.
- All right.
- Oh, Lord. This
beef ain't budging.
[both laugh] Let's go.
- Here, you grab. I'll stab.
- You got it.
- They never stop holding hands.
[both smooching]
- I have to say whatever
they're doing is working.
Maybe you should do
this purity thing.
- Thank you.
- What?
I just call it like I see it,
and I have to remind
you, I don't care.
[Huey Lewis And The News' "Do
You Believe In Love" playing]
- Whoop! That's us. Let's go!
- Pardon us, ladies.
When this song comes on,
I gotta dance with my bride.
- Yeah.
"Do You Believe in Love"
was their wedding song.
Both: We do believe!
- ♪ I was walkin'... ♪
- I know. They do.
- Wait, hold up, hold up.
That song came out January 1982,
and I know that because
my dad credits it
with giving him the
courage to leave my mom.
So how is this their
wedding song in 1981?
Tell me that, huh?
- Hand me Lady Kris's phone.
- ♪ Do you believe... ♪
- Her bouquet is enormous,
she's got moon face,
and no one's hair is that shiny
without a baby tweaking
it from me the inside.
- God, Summer, you were
at your parents' wedding.
- ♪ In love... ♪
- So they didn't...
- ♪ It's true... ♪
♪ ♪
- Wait?
[fork clatters]
- Mom, Dad, the
math doesn't add up.
Just admit it.
- [sighs]
You want the truth?
- Yes!
- Yes, your father and I had
relations out of wedlock.
[quirky music]
- When?
♪ ♪
- It's kinda hard
to talk about when,
'cause it was always.
- Always.
- What... what... what?
But you said that you
knew that she was the one
just from holding her hand.
Oh, my God, did
you guys even meet
on a mission trip to
San Ignacio, Bolivia?
- No.
Your mother first caught my eye
at a corporate retreat in Oahu,
where she served me my
first white rum mojito.
- Honestly, it was a miracle
you even ended up
being your father's.
I mean, remember when we
went to go get that DNA test?
We were both like, "Oh, Lord."
- "Oh, that was lucky."
'Cause this one, mm, boy,
if you had a full head
of hair and a coke spoon,
yes, sir.
- Okay. So why did
you make me wait?
- Because your father and
I walked the devil's path,
and it was a dark one.
- We had no moral compass,
no regard for tomorrow.
Just dopamine, thrills.
- Waking up in a truck
bed beside a civic center,
kinda all wet with, like,
coins all stuck to me.
Ugh.
- And this ring is our
way of protecting you
from making the same
mistakes we did.
- It's bad out there,
babe, and part of me
sincerely worries that we
might have whore genetics.
♪ ♪
- I'm sure that was very
hard, but they'll come around.
- I've decided to
do the ceremony.
They're just protecting me.
And as my friends,
I would love it if you
were there to support me.
- Oh, my God.
- [sighs]
[light pop music playing]
- ♪ Gee-lohhw-ers... ♪
♪ Goh-dehrr... ♪
- Dawn, do you wanna
watch "Business Throne?"
It was nice watching
with someone.
Usually, I just mutter,
"What a piece of
shit," to no one.
- Oh, yeah, um...
I should probably
keep going on this.
I usually watch it
with my husband.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, no problem.
I did just get the
finale, though.
[dramatic music]
- What? That doesn't come
out for, like, a week.
- My mate Stango is an editor.
It's cool, though.
Let's work.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't you kinda
just wanna know
if the son who
always goes rogue...
goes rogue?
- [exhales breathily]
[yelps]
Eff it! Just put it in.
Get in there!
- Slow down. Slow down.
You're bending it.
♪ ♪
- Honey, you up?
- No.
- Do you maybe wanna talk about
what might happen on the finale?
- Mm-mm.
- Who do you think
is gonna run FamCo?
Do you think the son who
always goes rogue goes rogue?
- He goes rogue in the Maldives.
- Huh? How do you know that?
Seriously, how do you know that?
- It's no big deal.
Ray had a copy of the finale.
His buddy's an editor.
- You watched "Business
Throne" with Ray?
Wow, y'all. Wow.
- It didn't mean anything.
I couldn't even finish
'cause half the effects
weren't rendered.
- How long has
this been going on?
- Since the penultimate.
- So that's why you
fell asleep during it.
You know, you're pretty devious.
Maybe you should be
the CEO of FamCo.
- Scott, come on! I'm sorry.
♪ ♪
- Oh!
Thank you for coming.
We have all the clear sodas.
- We're always gonna
support you, Summer.
- I mean, obviously, we
don't agree with any of this.
But we're not gonna force you
to do anything just to
make us feel comfortable.
We're not your
parents. [laughs]
Did that work?
- No.
- Okay. How about this?
Kevin Costner doing ranch stuff.
- Ugh, no. What about
Pitbull doing Miami stuff?
- Stop!
Trust me, this is
just easier for me.
I feel really good. I...
Come in. Come on.
- Okay.
♪ ♪
- Scott is overreacting.
He asked the lady at the deli
if she wanted to come
over and start "The Wire."
- I think you wanted
to get caught.
- [scoffs] Why
would I want that?
- You tell me.
- Tell you what?
- What's going on at home.
- Nothing.
- You said it.
[plop]
- Oh, don't you drop a
sugar cube all superior.
How are you an expert?
All you ever do is go for
empty celebrity status grabs.
At least I'm in something real.
Why won't you just
date a normal person?
What is so wrong with that?
- Everything.
- How would you even know?
- Ryan Salge.
- Who?
- After "Yesternights"
tanked, I was in a bad place
and seeking comfort,
so I got back together
with my high school
boyfriend Ryan Salge.
Things got normal fast.
We watched sports.
We had a brown cat.
We got excited
about a "Star Wars."
Pretty soon, I forgot
all about my dreams
because we were putting
up shelves or whatever,
and then one night at the Olive
Garden with the good parking,
Ryan proposed by hiding a
ring in some Italian nachos.
As I was sucking off the
meat and sauce, I heard it.
["Famous 5eva" playing]
- ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪
♪ 'Cause that's 1
more than 2gether ♪
♪ People starin' at us
thinkin' we are badass ♪
♪ Watchin' as we wave goodbye ♪
♪ Our stomachs
are the flattest ♪
- Sir, you pissed out my light.
- ♪ Drinkin' Veuve
Clicquot champagne ♪
♪ And texting all our exes ♪
- Normal almost
destroyed me, Dawn.
Never again.
[phone chimes]
- It's starting.
- [gasps] Yes!
"Censored" and I are gonna go
public with our relationship.
- Hey, that's progress.
- In Q1 of 2023,
after he wraps a reality show
about finding his soulmate.
It's called "Love Shaq,"
a pun on nothing and
spelled the normal way.
He just has to pretend
to date the winner
for, like, three months.
- Okay, not progress.
[soft music playing]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Under daddy's wing ♪
♪ There's a daddy ring ♪
- ♪ He'll guard your heart ♪
♪ Till you find your king ♪
- ♪ But till then ♪
- ♪ But till then ♪
- ♪ I'll be your
daddy boyfriend ♪
- ♪ He'll be your
daddy boyfriend ♪
[laughs]
- Oh, what?
Well, ran out of aisle.
Short aisle, folks. [laughter]
Okay.
Well, now I have to
give away Summer to me.
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
[laughter]
- Oh, Lord.
- You clown.
- Oh, you know,
when I first heard
that Summer was gonna be
single again, I prayed.
And the big man said, "You
made a promise, Chris.
Now get down to Jared and
pick out ring numero two."
Now for a little housekeeping.
I'm getting older now.
- No.
- If the Lord should decide
to calleth me to kick it
before Summer finds the two,
well, then the guardian
of her chastity
would fall to the next male
heir in the Dutkowsky family.
That is her second
cousin, Connor.
- Who?
[light applause]
- Have you ever even
heard of Connor?
- I don't like it.
He's too excited.
- Now, I trust Connor 'cause
he killed a garter snake.
[laughs]
- You know, time flies.
It seems like just yesterday
we were celebrating
Summer's first ceremony.
Do you remember that, honey?
- Yeah.
- Of course.
- Do you remember that
we gave you this
Little Baby Lady?
- [laughs]
- Jennifer Lynn.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, now you two
were inseparable...
They were best buds.
- Okay.
- Look at her.
All safe and happy,
her stock continuing to rise.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
- Summer, don't get your
face oils on the box.
Just look at it.
- The same as your stock
will rise in the Lord's eyes
after you take this vow.
- Oh.
- Summer,
do you promise God,
your future mate, your daddy,
and potentially Connor too?
- Not be put in a box!
- What's this now?
- Not be put in a box.
I can't be like Jennifer Lynn.
Oh, I mean...
I hated her!
- Oh!
- She couldn't ever do anything.
- ♪ Under daddy's wing ♪
- Mom!
- ♪ There's a... ♪
- Mom! Dad!
[sighs]
I know that you all
are just trying to protect me
from making mistakes,
and I kinda do want that
'cause it is hard out there.
But I was one of your mistakes.
I turned out pretty good.
Daddy,
second-cousin Connor...
You're fired. [crowd gasping]
Because I already have someone
who wants to look out for me,
and her name...
is me.
- Me?
[cheering]
- Oh, hallelujah!
- [coughs] Whore.
- Your pipe down, Connor.
- What in the heck?
How'd we shank that one, babe?
- I don't know, babe.
♪ ♪
- I think I know why I did it.
I feel boxed in.
So I skeezed and cheat-watched
"Business Throne."
We're just in this
grind, you know?
It's wake up, work,
Max, TV, sleep, repeat.
- Yeah. I also did
something weird.
- Did you fuck Cara?
- No!
I bought a gravel bike
with Max's 529.
It cost four grand,
and I can't return it
because it's built to
your heel-to-crotch ratio.
- What?
Wait, when did you
get a mustache?
- I've been growing
it for a month.
- Oh, my God.
Well, I don't think couples
our age look at each other
'cause you're always
looking at your kid
or "Business Throne" or...
End of list.
- Mm.
Well, let's look at each other.
- Okay.
- [chuckles]
[light music]
♪ ♪
[door opens]
- It is 10:30 in the morning!
Wow. Between you two
and the Chrisses,
maybe there is something
to dating a normie.
- That's actually progress.
- But I won't get Salged again.
I will only date the
following types of normies:
hotelier, chef, FamCo CEO,
bald guy if he is a
European soccer coach.
- Would you get out of here?
- Fair.
- God.
- And for your
files... it was Shaq!
- Leave!
- Out!
[laughter]
- Oh!
- Well, you are walking
the devil's path, honey.
- I'm sorry, Daddy.
- All I can say is,
if you're ever at a thing
and some folks are passing
around an oversized,
lubricated pepper grinder,
put a condom on it.
'Cause sometimes there's
pepper on the tip.
- I think I have way
more self-control
than you guys, but thanks.
- Okay.
- All right, then.
- Love you guys.
- Love you too.
Here we go, darling.
Step up. Careful, switch.
- Maybe two hands
on the wheel, Daddy.
- During turns, yes.
- Okay.
- On straight highways,
we hold hands!
- Okay, let's get to
Annie Sez before the...
- Bye, Mama.
I love you. I love you.
[novelty car horn playing]
both: ♪ I can't wait ♪
♪ To wait ♪
- ♪ Premarital urges aren't
itches to be scratched ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ So look up
medical oddities ♪
♪ Till those feelings pass ♪
♪ ♪
both: ♪ Jesus waited ♪
♪ Santa waited ♪
♪ George Washington waited ♪
♪ Kermit waited ♪
♪ Snoopy waited ♪
♪ Dingus Duck didn't wait ♪
- ♪ Which is why you've
never heard of him ♪
both: ♪ He died of STDs ♪
♪ From doing sex on a whim ♪
- ♪ Your parts are
little sneaks ♪
♪ Who don't want you to wait ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Because they know ♪
♪ In Heaven they get
checked at the gate ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Saint Peter, don't
let no sleaze get by ♪
- ♪ That's how angels
are light enough to fly ♪
- ♪ Now, doing it may
seem natural and legit ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ But there's a reason ♪
♪ Stephen King named
his killer clown "It" ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ It steals your youth and
drags you into the sewer ♪
- ♪ But waiting guarantees
you the perfect future ♪
both: ♪ I can't wait ♪
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!
- Yeah.
- Let's talk about
your music career.
Are you a virgin?
- Yes.
I made a promise to myself
and my parents and my God.
It's why I wear
this purity ring.
I want my wedding
night to be special
because we're probably
gonna be in a Hyatt.
- Next up, we ask the
guys of Matchbox Twenty
about singing and
playing instruments.
[pop music]
all: ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
♪ It's too short ♪
♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪
♪ 'Cause that's 1
more than 2gether ♪
♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪
♪ Girls5eva ♪
- Ugh!
Your shower makes me
smell like tap water.
- What? You got a big date?
- I cannot disclose the
size of the man I'm meeting.
I signed an NDA with
"The NBA on TNT."
- Oh. Well, that's how most
great love stories start.
- Dawn, remember
when I made a promise
that I would always tell
you when your clothes
disappointed me?
- No.
- You weren't there,
but I made a promise.
What are those?
- Oh, my sheers.
What, you don't have TV pants
where you put in so many ass
hours they're kinda clear?
Scott, start it.
- Enjoy your crushing mundanity.
Just sitting there,
reeking of tap water.
- Previously on
"Business Throne"...
- You look like a fucking dildo
that melted in a dishwasher.
Happy birthday, son.
- They're so terrible
in beautiful places.
- The only thing left is
Brown Mountain Bold Squeeze?
Come on, guys.
- Morning, ladies.
- Hello.
- Hey.
- How do you all
feel about a box
to kick your trainers against?
- Okay.
- I like an
assignment, personally,
'cause if there's no box,
I'm just kicking air,
and what's that
all about, right?
- What are you saying?
- Tate's email.
The label is hoping the
album can have a love song.
- I'm not gonna write
them a love song
'cause they ask for it.
- No.
- You know, something
raw and achingly true
that can one day be
in a Super Bowl ad
where a lady likes
a travel website.
- Well, they came
to the right place,
because I can't do anything
without bringing
sex to the table.
[chuckles]
- I'm bringing the heat too.
Caroline and I are back in biz.
- I did stuff last night too.
- Really?
- What? Wait, with who?
What base? Why am I
being so aggressive?
- Okay. His name is Liam,
and we met on Christian Kringle.
It's a dating site for
Christians who love Santa.
I can't say that it
was the best date.
I had fun. [chuckles]
- Me too.
- Oh.
[moaning]
Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.
It's just... it's been
a really long time.
But then we went
inside and had...
[whispering] Sex.
Yeah, it wasn't magical.
I didn't see fireworks.
- Still, I'm proud
of you for trying.
- Thanks.
- Summer, if I could
give you some advice
from my own life...
- Oh.
- I cannot.
I signed an NDA with
"The NBA on TNT,"
but know that it would've
been magnificent.
- Oh, Wickie, thank you.
- You're welcome.
[novelty car horn playing]
- Oh, my God! Mommy and Daddy?
- Surprise!
- [laughs]
- Surprise!
- We surprised her!
A mama knows a
baby's surprise face.
- I'm so surprised.
What are you doing here?
- Well, we rerouted our
ministry tour to come by
and check in on our baby.
Plus, there's an
Annie Sez in Passaic
that's got a sale on
inspirational denim, so...
- How's my little girl holding
up after the big split?
- I'm good. Thanks.
- Good, good. Well,
you know what?
We didn't wanna show
up empty-handed,
and now that the house
has more room in it...
- We thought we'd bring you
your old Little Baby
Ladies collection.
- [laughs]
- [laughs] Ah!
- And don't worry. They're
still in mint condish.
We didn't want the
value to go down.
- That's so nice that
you guys are here.
Kev took Stevia to Las
Vegas to tour hype houses.
So yeah...
I'm all alone.
- Oh.
- Let me help you with
your luggage, Daddy.
- No, I got it.
This one's heavy,
'cause it's all thumb rings.
- Oh.
- [laughs]
- Yeah, okay.
- Oh, you are blessed.
- And then I just put
everything in a big bowl,
and I mix it up.
And it doesn't even
matter which way you stir.
- [laughs]
- Well, look at you.
You're cooking
salads, making music,
offering to carry bags.
You are thrivin' and arrivin'.
- Thank you.
- Now, honey, your
mom and I know
this has been a
tough season for you.
We all thought Kev was it.
But sometimes the
big man shanks it.
- I know. I really
thought Kev was the one.
- Well, your mom and I are here
to get you onto the
path to finding the two.
- We just want you to
be as happy as we are.
Both: Muah!
- Yep. Happy as clams.
- Oh, an animal God got right.
No notes!
- Well, what you guys
have is what I want, obvs.
- Well, good, because
in the early '90s,
I took a vow to protect
your purity until marriage.
And now you are once
again unmarried.
So it looks like Daddy
is back on the job.
Huh! Hah!
- [laughs]
You are too much.
- So, Summer,
until you find the two,
would you be willing
to keep it chaste
below the waist?
[quirky music]
- Wow, y'all.
Wow.
- ♪ Tonight is the night ♪
♪ That only happens tonight ♪
♪ Tomorrow is just
yesterday's tonight ♪
- If you don't need
anything, I'm gonna head out.
I found this single slab coaster
I think I can save if
I plant it tonight.
- There's been, like,
10 billion love songs.
The Beatles just got to
be like, "Love me do."
It's easy when you
get to go first
and then just ski around
for a whole movie.
- Dawn, you need a brain break.
Okay.
What do you do when you want
to just turn off the noise?
- I don't know.
Drink red wine out of a mug.
- Okay. Let's do that, then.
Uhh... oh.
There is Brown Mountain Merlot.
- Is it gonna be hot?
- We could do a small little
vow thing right here on Sunday.
- It's vital that we
protect your purity
during this vulnerable time.
I mean, you're a divorcee,
and, well, that sounds French.
- I know it does.
- And you're now a
internet villain.
So the temptation to do bad
is gonna be very hard to resist.
And if you think your
mother and I didn't notice
those lowlights,
think again, missy.
- No... don't get me wrong.
The ring is very beautiful,
and I do need something
to balance my hand out.
It's just...
- Excuse me.
Do you have parents
on your feet?
'Cause we're up here.
- What'd you do, baby-lady?
- I did...
It.
- Oh, my Lord!
Oh, my Lord. Oh,
show me his face!
No, I can't. I can't
do it. I can't do it.
I can't do it. No,
I wanna see it.
Okay, let me see
it. I'll squint.
- His name is Liam.
- Liam, huh?
More like a "Lie-am."
- Oh.
- He's got a empty earring hole.
That means secrets.
He is not the two,
and you'd have known that
if you'd have made him
wait 11 months to
touch your shoulder.
[quirky music]
- Oh.
- Oh, I'm exhausted
from undisclosed
glamorous location.
- How was your date
with obviously Shaq?
- I cannot confirm nor deny
the thing I want you to know,
but cannot say.
[sighs]
But what I can say
is we had a meet-cute
at the Atlanta Airport,
and I saw him, and I said,
"Are you 'name redacted'?"
And he said, "Of course
I'm 'name redacted.'
Who else do you know that's
seven-foot-'redacted'?"
Where were you?
- I was working.
You're welcome.
- Did you and Ray
crack the song?
- Yeah. Progress.
- Well, let's hear it.
- ♪ Gee-lohhw-ers... ♪
♪ Goh-dehrr, goh-dehrr ♪
- Those aren't words.
♪ ♪
[whispering] Did you
hook up with Ray?
- Shh, no! No.
We just... we had a brain break.
- And did what?
- You're gonna think
this is really lame,
but we watched the
new "Business Throne."
- [gasps] Gasp!
- What? No gasp. Why gasp?
- Because in your basic
little life, that is cheating.
- What? It's a TV show.
- And I want you
to imagine yourself
saying out loud,
"Scott, I watched
'Business Throne'
with another man."
- [gasps]
- See? Gasp.
- Oh, hey. I fell
asleep in Max's room.
You ready for ep nine?
- Yep, I'm up.
- The penultimate.
Hmm.
Is Shaq funny in real life?
- Is who funny in what?
[button clicks]
[dramatic music playing]
- I wonder how many
helicopters we're gonna see.
- If I could go back
in time, I would've
blasted on your
mother's stomach.
Fuck off, son!
- They're so mean.
I'm so happy.
- Oh, okay. Okay.
- It's not gonna happen again.
Stop making me feel guilty.
I already have enough
general Italian guilt
and Catholic shame
for being born naked.
- It's a dangerous
game you're playing,
like when "name withheld"
and I played "Twister."
I nearly suffocated.
There's a new glint on the wall.
Who got a new ring?
- Oh, I did.
- Did you get engaged to that
guy you didn't even like?
- No.
It's from my parents.
I don't even know if
I'm gonna keep it.
- What? It's so nice.
- I know. It's, um...
it's a purity ring.
You know, until I marry the two.
- What? You're
39, you're not 13.
- Hey, you said next
weird thing I did
you were gonna shut up.
- There... there isn't even...
You can't... you
can't po... you...
You are lucky I just
swallowed a diatribe.
- Okay, I didn't
say I'm doing it.
I said I'm thinking about it.
I mean, I do wanna
get remarried,
and waiting is kinda my brand.
- ♪ I can't wait 2 wait ♪
- ♪ Don't make me
wait any longer ♪
both: ♪ To wait
makes us stronger ♪
- ♪ You don't have
to carry shrimp ♪
♪ To be a super cool waiter ♪
both: ♪ So let's
make a date to... ♪
♪ ♪
- Sure, but...
- It's not done.
♪ ♪
both: ♪ Wait ♪
- Summer, this is backwards.
You cannot let your
parents run your sex life.
- Okay, I'm supposed
to take moral advice
from a woman mentally
raw-dogging our producer
through an HBO show?
- I am not.
How do you even know that?
- Wickie and I are on a Slack.
You guys, the only reason why
I'm really considering this
is because I love
my parents so much,
and, you know, they
did purity rings.
And they're so happy. They
have the perfect marriage.
- Hey!
- Hi, y'all!
How are ya?
- There they are.
- Hello.
- Chris and Kris.
- Hello.
- Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dutkowsky.
- We went to the park. We
got our portraits made,
but he could only
draw Al Pacino, so...
- Oh, look at that.
[laughter]
- Booyah!
- From the movie.
- You ready, Summer?
- Okay. I'm just gonna run
and take 'em to
brunch. I'll be back.
Hang on, I'll get my coat.
- Guys.
Guys, she's on the fence.
We need to take control here.
- Or we could let it fly,
because I don't care.
- No, we gotta be the whores
to shut this thing down.
- Oh! Hey, you guys!
Oh, you know, I
could hook us all up
at my brother's restaurant.
It's very authentish Italian.
- Ethnic. I'll gamble.
- I'm easy. I'll go
anywhere there's clams.
Well, my leg, everyone in
here looks like Al Pacino.
[laughter]
- Mama.
- True.
- Hey, Kris, can I talk to you
woman-to-woman for a second?
- Copy.
Now, I don't have a Kotex on me,
but this is horse hair.
- No.
- No, you cradle it the same.
You can take it.
- No, no, no, no,
no. Somebody else go.
- Hey, Kris, you seem
like a modern woman,
wearing a brooch.
Don't you think
this purity stuff
is a little outdated?
- We did it, and we just had
our 40th wedding
anniversary last October.
Look, Summer was
a honeymoon baby.
Bull's-eye right
out of the gate.
- I was a hole in one.
[laughter]
- Thank you.
- Oh, well.
- Oh, look at that.
- Here we go.
Steak for an angel.
- Let's do this.
- All right.
- Oh, Lord. This
beef ain't budging.
[both laugh] Let's go.
- Here, you grab. I'll stab.
- You got it.
- They never stop holding hands.
[both smooching]
- I have to say whatever
they're doing is working.
Maybe you should do
this purity thing.
- Thank you.
- What?
I just call it like I see it,
and I have to remind
you, I don't care.
[Huey Lewis And The News' "Do
You Believe In Love" playing]
- Whoop! That's us. Let's go!
- Pardon us, ladies.
When this song comes on,
I gotta dance with my bride.
- Yeah.
"Do You Believe in Love"
was their wedding song.
Both: We do believe!
- ♪ I was walkin'... ♪
- I know. They do.
- Wait, hold up, hold up.
That song came out January 1982,
and I know that because
my dad credits it
with giving him the
courage to leave my mom.
So how is this their
wedding song in 1981?
Tell me that, huh?
- Hand me Lady Kris's phone.
- ♪ Do you believe... ♪
- Her bouquet is enormous,
she's got moon face,
and no one's hair is that shiny
without a baby tweaking
it from me the inside.
- God, Summer, you were
at your parents' wedding.
- ♪ In love... ♪
- So they didn't...
- ♪ It's true... ♪
♪ ♪
- Wait?
[fork clatters]
- Mom, Dad, the
math doesn't add up.
Just admit it.
- [sighs]
You want the truth?
- Yes!
- Yes, your father and I had
relations out of wedlock.
[quirky music]
- When?
♪ ♪
- It's kinda hard
to talk about when,
'cause it was always.
- Always.
- What... what... what?
But you said that you
knew that she was the one
just from holding her hand.
Oh, my God, did
you guys even meet
on a mission trip to
San Ignacio, Bolivia?
- No.
Your mother first caught my eye
at a corporate retreat in Oahu,
where she served me my
first white rum mojito.
- Honestly, it was a miracle
you even ended up
being your father's.
I mean, remember when we
went to go get that DNA test?
We were both like, "Oh, Lord."
- "Oh, that was lucky."
'Cause this one, mm, boy,
if you had a full head
of hair and a coke spoon,
yes, sir.
- Okay. So why did
you make me wait?
- Because your father and
I walked the devil's path,
and it was a dark one.
- We had no moral compass,
no regard for tomorrow.
Just dopamine, thrills.
- Waking up in a truck
bed beside a civic center,
kinda all wet with, like,
coins all stuck to me.
Ugh.
- And this ring is our
way of protecting you
from making the same
mistakes we did.
- It's bad out there,
babe, and part of me
sincerely worries that we
might have whore genetics.
♪ ♪
- I'm sure that was very
hard, but they'll come around.
- I've decided to
do the ceremony.
They're just protecting me.
And as my friends,
I would love it if you
were there to support me.
- Oh, my God.
- [sighs]
[light pop music playing]
- ♪ Gee-lohhw-ers... ♪
♪ Goh-dehrr... ♪
- Dawn, do you wanna
watch "Business Throne?"
It was nice watching
with someone.
Usually, I just mutter,
"What a piece of
shit," to no one.
- Oh, yeah, um...
I should probably
keep going on this.
I usually watch it
with my husband.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, no problem.
I did just get the
finale, though.
[dramatic music]
- What? That doesn't come
out for, like, a week.
- My mate Stango is an editor.
It's cool, though.
Let's work.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't you kinda
just wanna know
if the son who
always goes rogue...
goes rogue?
- [exhales breathily]
[yelps]
Eff it! Just put it in.
Get in there!
- Slow down. Slow down.
You're bending it.
♪ ♪
- Honey, you up?
- No.
- Do you maybe wanna talk about
what might happen on the finale?
- Mm-mm.
- Who do you think
is gonna run FamCo?
Do you think the son who
always goes rogue goes rogue?
- He goes rogue in the Maldives.
- Huh? How do you know that?
Seriously, how do you know that?
- It's no big deal.
Ray had a copy of the finale.
His buddy's an editor.
- You watched "Business
Throne" with Ray?
Wow, y'all. Wow.
- It didn't mean anything.
I couldn't even finish
'cause half the effects
weren't rendered.
- How long has
this been going on?
- Since the penultimate.
- So that's why you
fell asleep during it.
You know, you're pretty devious.
Maybe you should be
the CEO of FamCo.
- Scott, come on! I'm sorry.
♪ ♪
- Oh!
Thank you for coming.
We have all the clear sodas.
- We're always gonna
support you, Summer.
- I mean, obviously, we
don't agree with any of this.
But we're not gonna force you
to do anything just to
make us feel comfortable.
We're not your
parents. [laughs]
Did that work?
- No.
- Okay. How about this?
Kevin Costner doing ranch stuff.
- Ugh, no. What about
Pitbull doing Miami stuff?
- Stop!
Trust me, this is
just easier for me.
I feel really good. I...
Come in. Come on.
- Okay.
♪ ♪
- Scott is overreacting.
He asked the lady at the deli
if she wanted to come
over and start "The Wire."
- I think you wanted
to get caught.
- [scoffs] Why
would I want that?
- You tell me.
- Tell you what?
- What's going on at home.
- Nothing.
- You said it.
[plop]
- Oh, don't you drop a
sugar cube all superior.
How are you an expert?
All you ever do is go for
empty celebrity status grabs.
At least I'm in something real.
Why won't you just
date a normal person?
What is so wrong with that?
- Everything.
- How would you even know?
- Ryan Salge.
- Who?
- After "Yesternights"
tanked, I was in a bad place
and seeking comfort,
so I got back together
with my high school
boyfriend Ryan Salge.
Things got normal fast.
We watched sports.
We had a brown cat.
We got excited
about a "Star Wars."
Pretty soon, I forgot
all about my dreams
because we were putting
up shelves or whatever,
and then one night at the Olive
Garden with the good parking,
Ryan proposed by hiding a
ring in some Italian nachos.
As I was sucking off the
meat and sauce, I heard it.
["Famous 5eva" playing]
- ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪
♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪
♪ 'Cause that's 1
more than 2gether ♪
♪ People starin' at us
thinkin' we are badass ♪
♪ Watchin' as we wave goodbye ♪
♪ Our stomachs
are the flattest ♪
- Sir, you pissed out my light.
- ♪ Drinkin' Veuve
Clicquot champagne ♪
♪ And texting all our exes ♪
- Normal almost
destroyed me, Dawn.
Never again.
[phone chimes]
- It's starting.
- [gasps] Yes!
"Censored" and I are gonna go
public with our relationship.
- Hey, that's progress.
- In Q1 of 2023,
after he wraps a reality show
about finding his soulmate.
It's called "Love Shaq,"
a pun on nothing and
spelled the normal way.
He just has to pretend
to date the winner
for, like, three months.
- Okay, not progress.
[soft music playing]
♪ ♪
- ♪ Under daddy's wing ♪
♪ There's a daddy ring ♪
- ♪ He'll guard your heart ♪
♪ Till you find your king ♪
- ♪ But till then ♪
- ♪ But till then ♪
- ♪ I'll be your
daddy boyfriend ♪
- ♪ He'll be your
daddy boyfriend ♪
[laughs]
- Oh, what?
Well, ran out of aisle.
Short aisle, folks. [laughter]
Okay.
Well, now I have to
give away Summer to me.
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
[laughter]
- Oh, Lord.
- You clown.
- Oh, you know,
when I first heard
that Summer was gonna be
single again, I prayed.
And the big man said, "You
made a promise, Chris.
Now get down to Jared and
pick out ring numero two."
Now for a little housekeeping.
I'm getting older now.
- No.
- If the Lord should decide
to calleth me to kick it
before Summer finds the two,
well, then the guardian
of her chastity
would fall to the next male
heir in the Dutkowsky family.
That is her second
cousin, Connor.
- Who?
[light applause]
- Have you ever even
heard of Connor?
- I don't like it.
He's too excited.
- Now, I trust Connor 'cause
he killed a garter snake.
[laughs]
- You know, time flies.
It seems like just yesterday
we were celebrating
Summer's first ceremony.
Do you remember that, honey?
- Yeah.
- Of course.
- Do you remember that
we gave you this
Little Baby Lady?
- [laughs]
- Jennifer Lynn.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, now you two
were inseparable...
They were best buds.
- Okay.
- Look at her.
All safe and happy,
her stock continuing to rise.
[soft music]
♪ ♪
- Summer, don't get your
face oils on the box.
Just look at it.
- The same as your stock
will rise in the Lord's eyes
after you take this vow.
- Oh.
- Summer,
do you promise God,
your future mate, your daddy,
and potentially Connor too?
- Not be put in a box!
- What's this now?
- Not be put in a box.
I can't be like Jennifer Lynn.
Oh, I mean...
I hated her!
- Oh!
- She couldn't ever do anything.
- ♪ Under daddy's wing ♪
- Mom!
- ♪ There's a... ♪
- Mom! Dad!
[sighs]
I know that you all
are just trying to protect me
from making mistakes,
and I kinda do want that
'cause it is hard out there.
But I was one of your mistakes.
I turned out pretty good.
Daddy,
second-cousin Connor...
You're fired. [crowd gasping]
Because I already have someone
who wants to look out for me,
and her name...
is me.
- Me?
[cheering]
- Oh, hallelujah!
- [coughs] Whore.
- Your pipe down, Connor.
- What in the heck?
How'd we shank that one, babe?
- I don't know, babe.
♪ ♪
- I think I know why I did it.
I feel boxed in.
So I skeezed and cheat-watched
"Business Throne."
We're just in this
grind, you know?
It's wake up, work,
Max, TV, sleep, repeat.
- Yeah. I also did
something weird.
- Did you fuck Cara?
- No!
I bought a gravel bike
with Max's 529.
It cost four grand,
and I can't return it
because it's built to
your heel-to-crotch ratio.
- What?
Wait, when did you
get a mustache?
- I've been growing
it for a month.
- Oh, my God.
Well, I don't think couples
our age look at each other
'cause you're always
looking at your kid
or "Business Throne" or...
End of list.
- Mm.
Well, let's look at each other.
- Okay.
- [chuckles]
[light music]
♪ ♪
[door opens]
- It is 10:30 in the morning!
Wow. Between you two
and the Chrisses,
maybe there is something
to dating a normie.
- That's actually progress.
- But I won't get Salged again.
I will only date the
following types of normies:
hotelier, chef, FamCo CEO,
bald guy if he is a
European soccer coach.
- Would you get out of here?
- Fair.
- God.
- And for your
files... it was Shaq!
- Leave!
- Out!
[laughter]
- Oh!
- Well, you are walking
the devil's path, honey.
- I'm sorry, Daddy.
- All I can say is,
if you're ever at a thing
and some folks are passing
around an oversized,
lubricated pepper grinder,
put a condom on it.
'Cause sometimes there's
pepper on the tip.
- I think I have way
more self-control
than you guys, but thanks.
- Okay.
- All right, then.
- Love you guys.
- Love you too.
Here we go, darling.
Step up. Careful, switch.
- Maybe two hands
on the wheel, Daddy.
- During turns, yes.
- Okay.
- On straight highways,
we hold hands!
- Okay, let's get to
Annie Sez before the...
- Bye, Mama.
I love you. I love you.
[novelty car horn playing]
both: ♪ I can't wait ♪
♪ To wait ♪
- ♪ Premarital urges aren't
itches to be scratched ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ So look up
medical oddities ♪
♪ Till those feelings pass ♪
♪ ♪
both: ♪ Jesus waited ♪
♪ Santa waited ♪
♪ George Washington waited ♪
♪ Kermit waited ♪
♪ Snoopy waited ♪
♪ Dingus Duck didn't wait ♪
- ♪ Which is why you've
never heard of him ♪
both: ♪ He died of STDs ♪
♪ From doing sex on a whim ♪
- ♪ Your parts are
little sneaks ♪
♪ Who don't want you to wait ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Because they know ♪
♪ In Heaven they get
checked at the gate ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ Saint Peter, don't
let no sleaze get by ♪
- ♪ That's how angels
are light enough to fly ♪
- ♪ Now, doing it may
seem natural and legit ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ But there's a reason ♪
♪ Stephen King named
his killer clown "It" ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ It steals your youth and
drags you into the sewer ♪
- ♪ But waiting guarantees
you the perfect future ♪
both: ♪ I can't wait ♪
- Good night, everybody!
- Good night!