Girls5eva (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 5 - Episode #2.5 - full transcript
All: Open it! Open it!
- Happy birthday, Ashley!
- Aww, what's this one?
- Ooh!
- It's the first
bronzer that doubles
as a low-cal butter substitute.
- I think it's German.
- Ooh.
- Oh, my God, you guys!
- Oh, my God!
- It's the Nokia
879 Switch Splazz.
- We pooled our per diems.
- You can text people any number
and all the letters A through J.
- Too kewl. Ooh, ooh,
let's do my message.
You've reached Ashley's Splazz.
Oh, I love you guys!
- We love you! We love you!
- Birthday hug! All: Aww!
- Okay, okay.
Now let's go blow the doors
off the Dad's Choice Awards!
- Top of the Wednesday!
- Guys, I think I
cracked our love song.
- I've been grinding it
in my head for days,
and then it just
shot into my brain.
It's about eye contact.
- Wow.
- Ooh, V sexual.
- Yeah, the eyes are
the windows to the 0-9s.
- To the what?
- The 0-9s. The genitals?
Genitals. Jennys? No?
You know the song
"Jenny"? 867-5309?
The 0-9s!
Come on, guys,
get with my slang.
I sent you a PDF.
- There you go.
- What's up with the security?
- Hey, Paul. What's going on?
- Can't say who's here,
but whenever an A-lister
with a stalker or two
is in the building,
we throw up extra
security measures.
- I also have a stalker.
He lives in Canada
and stalks remotely.
We met at camp.
- Oh, my gosh. You guys.
T.K. is recording
here?
Oh, my God.
- T-who?
- She's one of those stars
who never shows their face,
like Daft Punk,
Orville Peck, deadmau5.
The list goes on and on,
but I'm done listing.
- She's like a sexy beekeeper.
- Oh.
Hey!
- Oh, my IUD is white gold.
It's Kate Hudson for
Pandora for Pfizer BioNTech.
- Oh, okay.
- "Your Eyes." Here we go.
- Label's gonna love that.
Really fires up the 0-9s.
- Oh, somebody read
the PDF. Thanks!
- Gonna send this
demo off to Tate.
- Dawn, is that a mayo
packet? Oh, no. No, no, no.
- What? I ran out of lip stuff.
- Honey, what is your
self-care routine?
- She's usually still chewing
when she enters a bathroom.
- Ugh!
- I'm busy.
- You need a break.
I am making you an appointment
for a massage at my MedSpa.
I've only been to
the "Spa" part,
never the "Med".
- Right.
- Because I've
never done anything
to my face or my butt.
It's just natural.
- No, I don't think I should go
'cause this studio
time is precious.
- Even I think you
need to take a moment,
and I invented Album Mode.
- I usually work out knots
by leaning against the
hot pipe in my apartment.
- Go.
Gloria and I will
keep the train moving.
- Uh, hey, uh, real
quick before you go,
I think the beekeeper
suit lady is Ashley.
- Oh, God.
- Gloria, please.
- Now, we all agree Ashley
faked her own death.
Hot take, I'm starting to think
that Ashley faked her own death.
The fall from the infinity
pool was not high enough.
I threw a dummy from
that same height,
and only the feet detached.
She had a magician boyfriend,
and all deaths in
Vegas are suspicious.
Top of the Wednesday!
- Listen, I love
a good theory...
I think Sienna Miller
is secret twins...
But Ashley is gone.
- But see, Google
can't verify T.K.'s age
or her hand texture,
and they both throw
up peace signs,
and their voices are identical.
Listen.
Freaking autoplay.
Sorry, these old action
movies are the only thing
that keeps my dad from
revealing himself to his nurse.
Okay, listen to Ashley in
the remix of "Famous 5eva."
- Now listen to T.K.
- Oh, honey, that
is so auto-tuned.
It could be anyone.
- Gloria, we all miss
Ashley, but I think
you've been listening to
too many crime podcasts.
- I think T.K.
is Meghan Markle.
Or a disgraced oil
heiress, or a redhead.
Or some daughter
of a DJ named Beth
who needed a gimmick.
- Okay.
- Oh, that was so nice!
I got a Cold Stone massage.
- Ooh!
- Where they
incorporate ice cream.
- Oh, I love that one.
Yeah, this spa is so great.
Can't speak hide nor hare
about the "Med" part.
Never been.
Have you heard about
these thread lifts
everybody's getting, though?
They say, like, they put
string underneath your skin,
and then they sort of, like,
tie it up at your forehead.
That's crazy, right?
Or... normal?
- Crazy.
- Yes. Sorry.
- No, Summer, don't
be one of those women.
You don't wanna look like
Susan from "Guess Who."
- Oh, for sure.
It's like I said in
"Maxim" when I was 19.
I'm never gonna do
plastic surgery.
That's binding.
- Ooh, text from Tate.
"Love the love song.
Can you pop over?"
- You wrote us a hit!
- What if we just start
with all the words we know?
- You know, I was thinking,
what if we went even deeper?
- Oh, yeah.
- Here, sit right here.
Okay, finish this sentence
in your notebook, okay?
Wickie Roy is...
- Five-dimensional.
- Mm.
- Fearless.
Funny.
A keen observer.
- Ladies, thank you five coming.
That love song, I was
like, "The boppery!"
- Thank you.
- One thing I wanted to
flag: so there's a guy
who works here who has
kids, and when he heard it,
he was like... well, I
can't really do him justice
'cause he's so
tired, but he goes,
"I've heard that song."
- Oh, like at the
future Grammys.
- No, um, I guess
it's the theme song
to some kids' show,
"Bobby Baloney,"
about a cow-pig that
can see the future.
- Ugh, I used to
show "Bobby Baloney"
to Max when he was a baby.
It must have filed away in
my subconscious somewhere.
- Obviously, it was an accident,
but we can't afford the rights
and we can't risk a lawsuit.
The other thing is,
you guys only have
a couple weeks
left in the studio,
so if the love song
thing is tripping you up,
just scrap it and
open things up.
Revenge songs are hot.
Adele wrote a song about wine.
It's time to get in
the quantity business.
- Copy. Yes. Got it.
- Oh, and whatever you
make, it'd be amazing
if it were the exact length of
a teenager's skincare routine.
- 3 minutes, 45 seconds.
- Look at you on
a roll. Right on.
- We're writing my story.
Is it cheating to
invent a dead parent?
It always seems to hook
people, right, Glo...
Where is Gloria?
- Oh, I just saw her outside.
- That little stinktress!
- Excuse me, age
before toddlers.
Excuse me.
Hey, you're a stalker, right?
You must know who's
under the suit.
- Hey! My privacy!
- Can you hear yourself?
Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- Hi, just make it out to,
"It's me, Gloria. It's okay.
You can tell me
it's you, Ashley."
Okay, I get it. There's
a lot of people around.
Just let me measure your feet.
- Sorry.
I'm not who you think I am.
Toodles!
- Okay, you done?
She just said she's not Ashley.
End of story.
- Prologue of story.
She just proved it's her.
- If you were a poker hand...
- Dang autoplay!
- You'd be four jokers
and a piece of shit.
- Okay, I have everything from
loading up Ashley's hologram,
all the way back to when
she was in commercials.
Look at this.
- Meet The 'Tudle!
The smallest backpacklet
on the market.
The 'Tudle! Try and
find it at Wanamaker's.
- This proves what?
- The 'Tudle?
Outside, T.K. said "Toodles!"
I mean, that can't
be an accident.
- Well, we're back and even
behinder than this morning.
The love song is dead.
I'm a plagiarizer.
- What?
- It's okay.
We'll just... we'll
write another one.
- Well, I should probably check
that "Momentum" isn't just
the "Facts of Life" theme.
I'm worse than Robin Thicke.
- No one is worse
than Robin Thicke.
- Maybe these guys
cracked something.
- When T.K. gets
back from lunch,
I'm gonna rip her mask off.
- I'm gonna take that as a no.
- Her bodyguards are short,
so you know they do violence!
When will this end?
You thought Ashley was
in the Polyphonic Spree.
You thought she was
a tollbooth worker
that you saw by
the Holland Tunnel
who was Black.
- And had the same tattoo
of a Tasmanian devil
getting head from a butterfly.
- You need to move on here.
- Of course you'd
tell me to move on.
That's what you do best.
You moved on so fast,
you didn't even come to
Ashley's bench dedication.
- I was in LA getting
my wax figure cast.
I suffered too!
- Oh, please.
- I had straws in my mouth
and butt so nothing bubbled.
If you don't, you
risk a bunny tail!
- Well, I know T.K. is her.
- If you look hard
enough at any old video,
you can bend your
brain to find a clue.
- Dads, Dads!
- I can't believe we
won a freaking DCA!
- Tom Arnold was so nice!
- We are breathing rare air!
- That's right!
- Wow, this is too kewl!
- Wickie, she just put a big
T and a K on that mirror.
- And other letters too.
As your friend,
if I can prove to you
that T.K. is not Ashley,
will you drop this for good?
- You're gonna help
me? I fucking love you!
It's her.
- It's not her.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh!
What about something
from the perspective of a
waiting fisherman's wife?
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody accidentally
borrows stuff.
Being sued by Marvin
Gaye's nephews
is a rite of passage.
- Oh, my God, the
line at Sweetgreen
was crazy long like
it was for sneakers.
- Summer, you got
the thread lift.
- What? I would never!
No, it's probably just
a delayed response
from the massage.
You know, I've been drinking
a lot of green juice.
I'm in a really good place.
Japanese sweet
potatoes. Turmeric.
- Sometimes people say a lot
of reasons when they're lying.
- No, I'm just...
I'm very well rested.
I've been avoiding
nightshades, you know?
Silk pillowcases. Cutting
down on screen time.
Decluttering. Alkaline
water. Manuka.
Bone broth and... gratitude.
- Hmm.
The more personal you get,
the less likely it's gonna
feel like it's something else.
- Ooh, should we do a song
about honest, natural beauty?
- You know what always
gets juices flowing?
Who are you mad at?
- Tate did say
that revenge songs
are very hot.
Who's wronged us?
- Yes! Oh, my God,
this is about Larry.
Wait, um...
- Raymond, go! Hit
the special button!
We're in the pocket!
- I taped these
to all the other women's
bathrooms in the building.
A bathroom "Out of Order" sign
is as respected in this country
as the flag or James Earl Jones.
- Yes, I never question them!
The human bladder is the reason
that most stakeouts fall apart,
so this is an ideal situation.
- T.K.'s not gonna
just take off her mask
because we ask.
We have to be
delicate and precise.
You already had
your shot with her.
Now, let me take mine.
- Okay. By all means.
- Oh, this is cathartic as hell!
- Wow, y'all. Wow.
- Larry? What are
you doing here?
- Collab's in Studio Five,
and we had some extra Brofu.
- Ugh.
- So I hope you had some fun,
because that song is never
gonna see the light of day.
- Why is that?
- Because it's theft!
That's my life. My
story. Mine to tell.
You're a Bad Art Friend.
- That's not how Bad
Art Friend works, Larry.
Girls5eva lived this story.
- But you lifted
my words verbato.
"You work like dogs, the
kind that sleep all day."
That's mine.
"Looks like talent
took the day off."
Also mine.
"You're replaceable
as baby teeth."
This is plagiarism.
You use it, you're buying
yourself a lawsuit.
You want a lawsuit?
- No, courtroom
lighting is really bad.
- All right, now, look,
I'm a reasonable guy, now.
Evolved.
I only walk around with
medium dick energy.
So how about you can put
the song on your album
if you throw me a
cowriting credit
and you add a thing
where you say I'm tall.
- No way, Larry!
- Ew.
- You look good. Manuka?
- Oh, my God. T.K., right?
Ugh, I'm so glad you're here.
- Do we know each other?
- Wickie. Roy.
Recording artist.
Look, I just found out
my stalker is hanging
around the building.
You get it. I need to
slip out undetected.
Otherwise, he'll try to
take some of my eyelashes.
Could I borrow your suit?
- I'm sorry, love, I can't.
I can lend you a bodyguard
to get out, though.
- Oh, no. It's okay.
- Oh, no, I just
saw on Toilet TV
that the Hockley 459
beekeeper headdress
and accompanying veil have been
recalled for suffocation risk!
Anyone wearing one
should take it off now.
- I'm going to find
a different bathroom.
- It's not Ashley. The
smells are all wrong.
Stand down.
- I gotta know!
- Gloria!
- Hey!
Ow!
My mystique!
- Gloria, rude!
- You're not her?
- I'm not who?
Ow! That hurt!
- How could you not
be our friend Ashley?
- Ugh, I am so sick of
being a Rorschach blot
for other people's crap.
Everyone thinks I'm JFK Jr.
Or their high school girlfriend
or Carole Baskin's dead husband.
I'm just Beth.
My dad's a DJ, and we
agreed I needed a thing!
- Oh, my God, did I call it.
- Whoever you thought
I was, they are gone.
So just deal with your crap
and leave me out of it!
Goodbye, bitches.
Tell no
one what you saw here.
Dang it! You
ruined my mystique.
I'm supposed to walk a tiger
in Machine Gun Kelly's wedding,
and now I'm all scared!
- No, Larry's bluffing.
He's not gonna sue us.
- He sued a Starbucks for not
being where he thought it was.
I think we should take his deal.
- We cannot give
Larry writing credit
on our song that rips him.
- He is quoted all over it.
I know it's gross, but
if this is the only way
that people are gonna hear it...
- Then I'd rather kill the song.
- But we need songs!
Dawn, you heard Tate.
We're so behind.
God!
I just think that we just need
to get really honest about
where we are right now.
- Really, I should get honest?
Your thread lift's caught on
the soundproofing, isn't it?
- What? No!
I'm just casual, you
know? Green juice culture.
Intermittent fasting
and apple cider vinegar.
Cupping. I've gone paperless.
- You are ridiculous.
- I just want this song
on the album, Dawn!
- Yeah, so do I, but
it's dead. Get a shovel.
- Ugh!
- We have no album.
I think Gloria
bought MasterClass.
Maybe Paul Simon did one.
- Okay.
- Oh!
- You'll find that I'm
a man of many talents.
- Freaking autoplay.
- Looks like talent
took the day off.
- Wait, what did he say?
- I said I'm sorry!
- We signed the NDA!
- God.
Really thought it was her.
What the hell
is wrong with me?
- You just want it to be her
because the truth is too hard.
Ashley fell off an
infinity pool drunk.
It was the number one cause
of hot person death in 2003.
- T.K. is right.
I got a lot of
shit to deal with.
I am bad at letting go.
I have a Sims
character named Val
who's been shooting
hoops for 20 years.
- Part of me thought
it was her too.
- You did?
- Or hoped it was her.
I didn't skip Ashley's
bench ceremony
because I was busy.
I skipped it because
it was too hard.
I loved Ashley.
She was the only
one in the group
I didn't think I
was better than.
- Sometimes,
I still call her phone to
hear her outgoing message.
Her parents never
turned it off, you know.
- That's me. I've
been paying that bill.
I still call her like an idiot,
and I just keep hoping
she's gonna pick it up.
I think this is
just all bubbling up
because we're all
working together again.
And it just really fucking sucks
that she can't be
part of any of it!
- I know.
- Maybe she can.
- So you've come to your senses.
Smart.
I want my name spelled
all lowercase, cool.
- Yeah, well, we've
been thinking,
and given the amount
of direct quotes,
we're willing to share
writing credit on the track.
With Mort Howard.
- Who?
- The writer of
"Designated Interest,"
the 1994 Steven
Seagal punch saga.
- All of the insults
that you hurled at us
came from that movie.
- You work like a dog, the
kind that sleeps all day.
But you forgot one
thing, Scalabrini:
my kicking.
- Okay, okay. It's
hard to be original.
Look, every guy is shaped
by a cool movie that
they quote incessantly.
In almost all cases,
it's "Fight Club."
- Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
Forget about my credit.
Where are we with adding
the thing where I'm tall?
- No!
"Now get out of my airspace."
- A girl quoting a movie.
That's never happened
in the world.
You're a trailblazer, Dawn.
That was amazing!
And, listen, honey,
while we're being all
brave and trailblazing,
Dawn, I need to tell you
something about my face.
- Oh, Summer, I
know what you did.
- It's not just all
infrared saunas,
wellness, gong baths,
plant-based diet,
returning to my breath.
- No, you got a thread lift.
- I got a thread lift.
I have been to the "Med"
part of the MedSpa.
All the time. I mean,
I've done everything.
Botox, filler, cheek
sculpting, chin shaving...
- No, no, I cannot
take another list.
My God, that felt so good.
A weight has been lifted!
- So you're gonna stop doing it?
- No.
The growth is admitting
it. You know what?
I am sick of people
like you judging me
so I feel like I have to do
these things in the shadows.
- No, the only reason you
do it in the first place
is because of societal
pressure on women to...
- Bored!
You know what I think
I'm gonna do next?
They're doing this thing
where they put, like,
a Slinky under your butt.
Leave me alone about it.
- Okay.
But will you just go to
a good place next time?
- Fair, because,
um...
All my threads came out.
- Ew.
- I know. It was gross.
- Overall, a good day, though.
I mean, we still don't
have our love song,
but I'm sure that'll
come to us eventually.
- We found our love song!
- Oh, my God!
- It's about Ashley.
- You've reached
Ashley's Splazz.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
- Happy birthday, Ashley!
- Aww, what's this one?
- Ooh!
- It's the first
bronzer that doubles
as a low-cal butter substitute.
- I think it's German.
- Ooh.
- Oh, my God, you guys!
- Oh, my God!
- It's the Nokia
879 Switch Splazz.
- We pooled our per diems.
- You can text people any number
and all the letters A through J.
- Too kewl. Ooh, ooh,
let's do my message.
You've reached Ashley's Splazz.
Oh, I love you guys!
- We love you! We love you!
- Birthday hug! All: Aww!
- Okay, okay.
Now let's go blow the doors
off the Dad's Choice Awards!
- Top of the Wednesday!
- Guys, I think I
cracked our love song.
- I've been grinding it
in my head for days,
and then it just
shot into my brain.
It's about eye contact.
- Wow.
- Ooh, V sexual.
- Yeah, the eyes are
the windows to the 0-9s.
- To the what?
- The 0-9s. The genitals?
Genitals. Jennys? No?
You know the song
"Jenny"? 867-5309?
The 0-9s!
Come on, guys,
get with my slang.
I sent you a PDF.
- There you go.
- What's up with the security?
- Hey, Paul. What's going on?
- Can't say who's here,
but whenever an A-lister
with a stalker or two
is in the building,
we throw up extra
security measures.
- I also have a stalker.
He lives in Canada
and stalks remotely.
We met at camp.
- Oh, my gosh. You guys.
T.K. is recording
here?
Oh, my God.
- T-who?
- She's one of those stars
who never shows their face,
like Daft Punk,
Orville Peck, deadmau5.
The list goes on and on,
but I'm done listing.
- She's like a sexy beekeeper.
- Oh.
Hey!
- Oh, my IUD is white gold.
It's Kate Hudson for
Pandora for Pfizer BioNTech.
- Oh, okay.
- "Your Eyes." Here we go.
- Label's gonna love that.
Really fires up the 0-9s.
- Oh, somebody read
the PDF. Thanks!
- Gonna send this
demo off to Tate.
- Dawn, is that a mayo
packet? Oh, no. No, no, no.
- What? I ran out of lip stuff.
- Honey, what is your
self-care routine?
- She's usually still chewing
when she enters a bathroom.
- Ugh!
- I'm busy.
- You need a break.
I am making you an appointment
for a massage at my MedSpa.
I've only been to
the "Spa" part,
never the "Med".
- Right.
- Because I've
never done anything
to my face or my butt.
It's just natural.
- No, I don't think I should go
'cause this studio
time is precious.
- Even I think you
need to take a moment,
and I invented Album Mode.
- I usually work out knots
by leaning against the
hot pipe in my apartment.
- Go.
Gloria and I will
keep the train moving.
- Uh, hey, uh, real
quick before you go,
I think the beekeeper
suit lady is Ashley.
- Oh, God.
- Gloria, please.
- Now, we all agree Ashley
faked her own death.
Hot take, I'm starting to think
that Ashley faked her own death.
The fall from the infinity
pool was not high enough.
I threw a dummy from
that same height,
and only the feet detached.
She had a magician boyfriend,
and all deaths in
Vegas are suspicious.
Top of the Wednesday!
- Listen, I love
a good theory...
I think Sienna Miller
is secret twins...
But Ashley is gone.
- But see, Google
can't verify T.K.'s age
or her hand texture,
and they both throw
up peace signs,
and their voices are identical.
Listen.
Freaking autoplay.
Sorry, these old action
movies are the only thing
that keeps my dad from
revealing himself to his nurse.
Okay, listen to Ashley in
the remix of "Famous 5eva."
- Now listen to T.K.
- Oh, honey, that
is so auto-tuned.
It could be anyone.
- Gloria, we all miss
Ashley, but I think
you've been listening to
too many crime podcasts.
- I think T.K.
is Meghan Markle.
Or a disgraced oil
heiress, or a redhead.
Or some daughter
of a DJ named Beth
who needed a gimmick.
- Okay.
- Oh, that was so nice!
I got a Cold Stone massage.
- Ooh!
- Where they
incorporate ice cream.
- Oh, I love that one.
Yeah, this spa is so great.
Can't speak hide nor hare
about the "Med" part.
Never been.
Have you heard about
these thread lifts
everybody's getting, though?
They say, like, they put
string underneath your skin,
and then they sort of, like,
tie it up at your forehead.
That's crazy, right?
Or... normal?
- Crazy.
- Yes. Sorry.
- No, Summer, don't
be one of those women.
You don't wanna look like
Susan from "Guess Who."
- Oh, for sure.
It's like I said in
"Maxim" when I was 19.
I'm never gonna do
plastic surgery.
That's binding.
- Ooh, text from Tate.
"Love the love song.
Can you pop over?"
- You wrote us a hit!
- What if we just start
with all the words we know?
- You know, I was thinking,
what if we went even deeper?
- Oh, yeah.
- Here, sit right here.
Okay, finish this sentence
in your notebook, okay?
Wickie Roy is...
- Five-dimensional.
- Mm.
- Fearless.
Funny.
A keen observer.
- Ladies, thank you five coming.
That love song, I was
like, "The boppery!"
- Thank you.
- One thing I wanted to
flag: so there's a guy
who works here who has
kids, and when he heard it,
he was like... well, I
can't really do him justice
'cause he's so
tired, but he goes,
"I've heard that song."
- Oh, like at the
future Grammys.
- No, um, I guess
it's the theme song
to some kids' show,
"Bobby Baloney,"
about a cow-pig that
can see the future.
- Ugh, I used to
show "Bobby Baloney"
to Max when he was a baby.
It must have filed away in
my subconscious somewhere.
- Obviously, it was an accident,
but we can't afford the rights
and we can't risk a lawsuit.
The other thing is,
you guys only have
a couple weeks
left in the studio,
so if the love song
thing is tripping you up,
just scrap it and
open things up.
Revenge songs are hot.
Adele wrote a song about wine.
It's time to get in
the quantity business.
- Copy. Yes. Got it.
- Oh, and whatever you
make, it'd be amazing
if it were the exact length of
a teenager's skincare routine.
- 3 minutes, 45 seconds.
- Look at you on
a roll. Right on.
- We're writing my story.
Is it cheating to
invent a dead parent?
It always seems to hook
people, right, Glo...
Where is Gloria?
- Oh, I just saw her outside.
- That little stinktress!
- Excuse me, age
before toddlers.
Excuse me.
Hey, you're a stalker, right?
You must know who's
under the suit.
- Hey! My privacy!
- Can you hear yourself?
Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- Hi, just make it out to,
"It's me, Gloria. It's okay.
You can tell me
it's you, Ashley."
Okay, I get it. There's
a lot of people around.
Just let me measure your feet.
- Sorry.
I'm not who you think I am.
Toodles!
- Okay, you done?
She just said she's not Ashley.
End of story.
- Prologue of story.
She just proved it's her.
- If you were a poker hand...
- Dang autoplay!
- You'd be four jokers
and a piece of shit.
- Okay, I have everything from
loading up Ashley's hologram,
all the way back to when
she was in commercials.
Look at this.
- Meet The 'Tudle!
The smallest backpacklet
on the market.
The 'Tudle! Try and
find it at Wanamaker's.
- This proves what?
- The 'Tudle?
Outside, T.K. said "Toodles!"
I mean, that can't
be an accident.
- Well, we're back and even
behinder than this morning.
The love song is dead.
I'm a plagiarizer.
- What?
- It's okay.
We'll just... we'll
write another one.
- Well, I should probably check
that "Momentum" isn't just
the "Facts of Life" theme.
I'm worse than Robin Thicke.
- No one is worse
than Robin Thicke.
- Maybe these guys
cracked something.
- When T.K. gets
back from lunch,
I'm gonna rip her mask off.
- I'm gonna take that as a no.
- Her bodyguards are short,
so you know they do violence!
When will this end?
You thought Ashley was
in the Polyphonic Spree.
You thought she was
a tollbooth worker
that you saw by
the Holland Tunnel
who was Black.
- And had the same tattoo
of a Tasmanian devil
getting head from a butterfly.
- You need to move on here.
- Of course you'd
tell me to move on.
That's what you do best.
You moved on so fast,
you didn't even come to
Ashley's bench dedication.
- I was in LA getting
my wax figure cast.
I suffered too!
- Oh, please.
- I had straws in my mouth
and butt so nothing bubbled.
If you don't, you
risk a bunny tail!
- Well, I know T.K. is her.
- If you look hard
enough at any old video,
you can bend your
brain to find a clue.
- Dads, Dads!
- I can't believe we
won a freaking DCA!
- Tom Arnold was so nice!
- We are breathing rare air!
- That's right!
- Wow, this is too kewl!
- Wickie, she just put a big
T and a K on that mirror.
- And other letters too.
As your friend,
if I can prove to you
that T.K. is not Ashley,
will you drop this for good?
- You're gonna help
me? I fucking love you!
It's her.
- It's not her.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ooh!
What about something
from the perspective of a
waiting fisherman's wife?
- Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody accidentally
borrows stuff.
Being sued by Marvin
Gaye's nephews
is a rite of passage.
- Oh, my God, the
line at Sweetgreen
was crazy long like
it was for sneakers.
- Summer, you got
the thread lift.
- What? I would never!
No, it's probably just
a delayed response
from the massage.
You know, I've been drinking
a lot of green juice.
I'm in a really good place.
Japanese sweet
potatoes. Turmeric.
- Sometimes people say a lot
of reasons when they're lying.
- No, I'm just...
I'm very well rested.
I've been avoiding
nightshades, you know?
Silk pillowcases. Cutting
down on screen time.
Decluttering. Alkaline
water. Manuka.
Bone broth and... gratitude.
- Hmm.
The more personal you get,
the less likely it's gonna
feel like it's something else.
- Ooh, should we do a song
about honest, natural beauty?
- You know what always
gets juices flowing?
Who are you mad at?
- Tate did say
that revenge songs
are very hot.
Who's wronged us?
- Yes! Oh, my God,
this is about Larry.
Wait, um...
- Raymond, go! Hit
the special button!
We're in the pocket!
- I taped these
to all the other women's
bathrooms in the building.
A bathroom "Out of Order" sign
is as respected in this country
as the flag or James Earl Jones.
- Yes, I never question them!
The human bladder is the reason
that most stakeouts fall apart,
so this is an ideal situation.
- T.K.'s not gonna
just take off her mask
because we ask.
We have to be
delicate and precise.
You already had
your shot with her.
Now, let me take mine.
- Okay. By all means.
- Oh, this is cathartic as hell!
- Wow, y'all. Wow.
- Larry? What are
you doing here?
- Collab's in Studio Five,
and we had some extra Brofu.
- Ugh.
- So I hope you had some fun,
because that song is never
gonna see the light of day.
- Why is that?
- Because it's theft!
That's my life. My
story. Mine to tell.
You're a Bad Art Friend.
- That's not how Bad
Art Friend works, Larry.
Girls5eva lived this story.
- But you lifted
my words verbato.
"You work like dogs, the
kind that sleep all day."
That's mine.
"Looks like talent
took the day off."
Also mine.
"You're replaceable
as baby teeth."
This is plagiarism.
You use it, you're buying
yourself a lawsuit.
You want a lawsuit?
- No, courtroom
lighting is really bad.
- All right, now, look,
I'm a reasonable guy, now.
Evolved.
I only walk around with
medium dick energy.
So how about you can put
the song on your album
if you throw me a
cowriting credit
and you add a thing
where you say I'm tall.
- No way, Larry!
- Ew.
- You look good. Manuka?
- Oh, my God. T.K., right?
Ugh, I'm so glad you're here.
- Do we know each other?
- Wickie. Roy.
Recording artist.
Look, I just found out
my stalker is hanging
around the building.
You get it. I need to
slip out undetected.
Otherwise, he'll try to
take some of my eyelashes.
Could I borrow your suit?
- I'm sorry, love, I can't.
I can lend you a bodyguard
to get out, though.
- Oh, no. It's okay.
- Oh, no, I just
saw on Toilet TV
that the Hockley 459
beekeeper headdress
and accompanying veil have been
recalled for suffocation risk!
Anyone wearing one
should take it off now.
- I'm going to find
a different bathroom.
- It's not Ashley. The
smells are all wrong.
Stand down.
- I gotta know!
- Gloria!
- Hey!
Ow!
My mystique!
- Gloria, rude!
- You're not her?
- I'm not who?
Ow! That hurt!
- How could you not
be our friend Ashley?
- Ugh, I am so sick of
being a Rorschach blot
for other people's crap.
Everyone thinks I'm JFK Jr.
Or their high school girlfriend
or Carole Baskin's dead husband.
I'm just Beth.
My dad's a DJ, and we
agreed I needed a thing!
- Oh, my God, did I call it.
- Whoever you thought
I was, they are gone.
So just deal with your crap
and leave me out of it!
Goodbye, bitches.
Tell no
one what you saw here.
Dang it! You
ruined my mystique.
I'm supposed to walk a tiger
in Machine Gun Kelly's wedding,
and now I'm all scared!
- No, Larry's bluffing.
He's not gonna sue us.
- He sued a Starbucks for not
being where he thought it was.
I think we should take his deal.
- We cannot give
Larry writing credit
on our song that rips him.
- He is quoted all over it.
I know it's gross, but
if this is the only way
that people are gonna hear it...
- Then I'd rather kill the song.
- But we need songs!
Dawn, you heard Tate.
We're so behind.
God!
I just think that we just need
to get really honest about
where we are right now.
- Really, I should get honest?
Your thread lift's caught on
the soundproofing, isn't it?
- What? No!
I'm just casual, you
know? Green juice culture.
Intermittent fasting
and apple cider vinegar.
Cupping. I've gone paperless.
- You are ridiculous.
- I just want this song
on the album, Dawn!
- Yeah, so do I, but
it's dead. Get a shovel.
- Ugh!
- We have no album.
I think Gloria
bought MasterClass.
Maybe Paul Simon did one.
- Okay.
- Oh!
- You'll find that I'm
a man of many talents.
- Freaking autoplay.
- Looks like talent
took the day off.
- Wait, what did he say?
- I said I'm sorry!
- We signed the NDA!
- God.
Really thought it was her.
What the hell
is wrong with me?
- You just want it to be her
because the truth is too hard.
Ashley fell off an
infinity pool drunk.
It was the number one cause
of hot person death in 2003.
- T.K. is right.
I got a lot of
shit to deal with.
I am bad at letting go.
I have a Sims
character named Val
who's been shooting
hoops for 20 years.
- Part of me thought
it was her too.
- You did?
- Or hoped it was her.
I didn't skip Ashley's
bench ceremony
because I was busy.
I skipped it because
it was too hard.
I loved Ashley.
She was the only
one in the group
I didn't think I
was better than.
- Sometimes,
I still call her phone to
hear her outgoing message.
Her parents never
turned it off, you know.
- That's me. I've
been paying that bill.
I still call her like an idiot,
and I just keep hoping
she's gonna pick it up.
I think this is
just all bubbling up
because we're all
working together again.
And it just really fucking sucks
that she can't be
part of any of it!
- I know.
- Maybe she can.
- So you've come to your senses.
Smart.
I want my name spelled
all lowercase, cool.
- Yeah, well, we've
been thinking,
and given the amount
of direct quotes,
we're willing to share
writing credit on the track.
With Mort Howard.
- Who?
- The writer of
"Designated Interest,"
the 1994 Steven
Seagal punch saga.
- All of the insults
that you hurled at us
came from that movie.
- You work like a dog, the
kind that sleeps all day.
But you forgot one
thing, Scalabrini:
my kicking.
- Okay, okay. It's
hard to be original.
Look, every guy is shaped
by a cool movie that
they quote incessantly.
In almost all cases,
it's "Fight Club."
- Yeah.
- Okay, okay.
Forget about my credit.
Where are we with adding
the thing where I'm tall?
- No!
"Now get out of my airspace."
- A girl quoting a movie.
That's never happened
in the world.
You're a trailblazer, Dawn.
That was amazing!
And, listen, honey,
while we're being all
brave and trailblazing,
Dawn, I need to tell you
something about my face.
- Oh, Summer, I
know what you did.
- It's not just all
infrared saunas,
wellness, gong baths,
plant-based diet,
returning to my breath.
- No, you got a thread lift.
- I got a thread lift.
I have been to the "Med"
part of the MedSpa.
All the time. I mean,
I've done everything.
Botox, filler, cheek
sculpting, chin shaving...
- No, no, I cannot
take another list.
My God, that felt so good.
A weight has been lifted!
- So you're gonna stop doing it?
- No.
The growth is admitting
it. You know what?
I am sick of people
like you judging me
so I feel like I have to do
these things in the shadows.
- No, the only reason you
do it in the first place
is because of societal
pressure on women to...
- Bored!
You know what I think
I'm gonna do next?
They're doing this thing
where they put, like,
a Slinky under your butt.
Leave me alone about it.
- Okay.
But will you just go to
a good place next time?
- Fair, because,
um...
All my threads came out.
- Ew.
- I know. It was gross.
- Overall, a good day, though.
I mean, we still don't
have our love song,
but I'm sure that'll
come to us eventually.
- We found our love song!
- Oh, my God!
- It's about Ashley.
- You've reached
Ashley's Splazz.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.