Girls (2012–2017): Season 3, Episode 6 - Free Snacks - full transcript

This is David's wife.

Now that Millstreet has dropped
all of David's projects, I just...

Do you happen to know
another publisher?

If I do give you another name,
will you get out of here ?

I wanted you to tell me
what's wrong with me.

You're extremely judgemental.

OK yeah. Thanks.

We don't do e-books.

Maybe you should start.

Well, we'd want to put it out
as an actual book.

Are you kidding me?



It sounds like, in three years you'll be able
to do whatever you want with that book.

Three years might as well be
a million years.

I'm getting pretty sick of
listening to your mouth run.

- Where's Caroline?
- I... kicked her out.

Yeah, so she's my sister.

Flat white to go for Maury.

Maury?

Maura?

Mary?

- I made that one already.
- Oh, who's this for?

Alexander.
But keep up the good work.

- Okay. - So what'd you want
to talk about?

I think it's maybe better
if we do that in your office.

Oh. I'm so sorry you won't be gracing
us with your presence anymore.



And I'll see you
in about a week

when you quit whatever bullshit
gig you're leaving for

and come back here begging
for your old job again.

Ray, I know that it must hurt to
see someone leave all of this,

but it's really not
a bullshit job, so...

- What is it?
- What?

The bullshit gig, what is it?

"GQ" magazine.

Did they need someone for a before
picture in a makeover article?

No, it's a writing job.

They saw one
of my pieces online

and I'm going to be working
for a new section--

"Field Guide
to the Urban Man."

Who's the sponsor?

What do you mean?

There's no way "GQ" hires
you to be a staff writer.

So it's obviously one
of those advertorial sections

where it looks like a real article
so they trick you into reading it,

but then you find out
it's a paid advertisement

which is both morally
and creatively bankrupt.

So who's the sponsor?

Neiman Marcus.

( laughs ) Neiman Marcus?

Do you think
I'm fucking excited, Ray?

Do you think that I think
this is the best use

of my literary voice
and my myriad talents?

Maybe we should talk
about this back in my office.

- No.
- Excuse me.

I already quit. There's no reason
for me to go to your office.

Stop making a scene
in front of the customers.

I am coming with you
as a gesture of friendship.

Though I am not your employee,
so I don't technically have to.

Ray:
Right now!

( music playing )

Ray:
Set the pick!

Up high. Rotate.

Isolate. Clear out.

- I got you.
- Put it up.

- ( cheers )
- Ray: Here, and one.

Nice job.

( phones ringing )

( rings )

- Hannah Horvath's office.
- Mike Lawson, please.

Okay, I'm new here,
so maybe you just...

( hangs up )

Okay.

It's a cappuccino, Dean.
It's not a cup of chino.

Okay?
Fucking animals.

Ahem.

Hello?

Ray: Yes, hi, I'm trying to
reach Marnie Michaels, please.

This is she.
May I ask who's calling?

- It's Ray.
- I didn't recognize your voice.

Did you not recognize my voice?

No, I did. I'm calling
you, so I already know--

you know, I was just going for a
little joke there. What's up?

- How can I help you?
- Right.

As to the matter at hand.

I don't know if there
is a matter at hand.

I was just calling just to
check in with you, really,

and just to say that I--

I enjoyed spending time
with you the other day.

Yeah, that was--

that was definitely unexpected.

Indeed, yes.
Most unexpected indeed.

So, anyway, yeah, I just
wanted to check in and--

Could you stop saying "checking in"?
It's fucking weird.

It's a fucking thing
people say, okay?

Relax. I'm using semantic
convention to sound accessible.

- Oh, my God.
- Anyway, I'm calling you

just to say, you know, let's not let
all this affect our friendship.

But we're not even friends.

Then so let's not let it
affect that either.

Okay, will do.

Look, I'm trying here, okay?

I'm trying to follow the protocols
of a gentleman and a squire.

- But if you keep--
- Okay, thank you.

And if you'll excuse me,
I'm just in the middle

of watching a pretty interesting
television program, so...

- Yeah? Which one?
- Do you care?

- Not at all.
- Okay, bye-bye.

( rings )

What?

- I do care.
- About what?

About which shitty television
program you're watching.

- I care.
- Prove it.

Marnie?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- Nothing much.

Yo.

Can I help you with something?

Sorry, I was just screwing with you.
Sorry.

- Hey, I'm Joe.
- Hannah.

- Nice to meet you.
- I know. I know all about you.

I read your piece about...

( whispers ) cocaine

Yeah, I feel like that wasn't as
retweeted as it should have been.

- So I appreciate the support.
- No, I'm not on Twitter.

- But I'll Instagram it later if you want.
- ( laughs )

I don't think
that even makes sense.

- So...
- No, it doesn't.

I bet you're probably wondering
right now, "Where do I go to pee?"

I'm really wondering that.

Yeah, no one tells anyone
anything around here.

They just assume you have
corporate sonar.

Yeah, but I wouldn't
call this a corporate job.

I mean, this is "GQ" magazine.
It's a literary institution.

Shh, careful.

You don't want the real "GQ" writers
hearing you say you work at "GQ."

- Wait, why?
- They're really fucking snobby

about the difference between
editorial and advertorial.

I don't know if you
heard about that.

Which is such fucking bullshit because
we all work at the same magazine.

You know? We're all here
just selling our souls.

Totally won't say it again.

Anyway, enough blabbering.

Why don't I give you
a quick tour?

Okay. Great.

The women's room
is back this way.

Unless you want to see
the snack room first.

You just said snack room
and everything blurred.

( chuckles )

And then there's donuts

and finger sandwiches
in the afternoon.

- Finger sandwiches? Cool.
- Finger sandwiches.

- So help yourself.
- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe later. I'm on kind of a budget.
I don't know.

Is it like-- do you swipe your
employee ID or is it an honor system?

What?
No, it's all free.

- It's free?
- It's all free.

- You're saying all this is free?
- Yeah.

- Even the Sun Chips?
- Yeah.

- Even the Clif Bars?
- Yeah.

Even the lox, which is
disgusting, but very expensive?

It's actually Russ & Daughters.
It's pretty good.

Oh, my God.

Mm, it's 11:45.
We got to go.

Just give me one moment
to catch up with you.

Guys, this is Hannah.
Han--

Hannah?

- Hi.
- Hey.

I'm Hannah

and I feel I may have overdone
it on the snacks a little bit.

No, I said I needed
a christening dress.

So what's the problem?

Christening dresses are
usually white, aren't they?

Not the chic ones.

And also, isn't that small
for a one-year-old?

No, unless your child
is morbidly obese,

in which case I can't help you.

- All right, I'll take it.
- Fabulous.

Anyways, as I was saying,

Ray really seems to have the
respect of his peers on the court.

Oh, that's amazing. It's really hard
for a Jew to gain respect in sports.

Mm-hmm.
He's not a Jew, though.

Right.

So his new coffee place

is such a refreshing departure
from the average java house grind.

- I've never been there.
- No, me neither.

That's just what
"Time Out New York" said.

"Despite the unfortunate
familiarity of its name,

Ray's is a refreshing departure
from the average java house grind."

Ray is being written about in popular
service publications and my life is a mess.

And I know that
that was a personal choice,

but I feel like maybe it is time
for me to unchoose that choice.

Like, step one:
I need to be

in a solid, mature,
committed relationship

with someone who understands
my goals and values.

Like Berren.

Is that the guy
with the deep V?

You're right. Parker's
a much better choice.

He's just so stupid

that I worry that our children
wouldn't get into preschool.

See, I live with
my boyfriend in Brooklyn.

Oh, nice.
You're shacking up.

- I guess so.
- What does he do?

Like, a little bit of this
and a little bit of that.

Karen's boyfriend is actually
in a very similar field.

He was in a very similar field.

Wait, so it's officially
over between you and Jake

or he just finally
got a real job?

- It's like a little bit of both.
- Right, right.

- But which one?
- Hi, everyone.

- Hello.
- I see you've met Hannah.

- Hannah, you've met the team?
- Yep.

And I see you found
the snack room as well.

Oh, yeah. These are
not just for me.

Great. All right.
So reiterating once again,

"The Field Guide
for the Urban Male."

- We need eight types.
- Mm-hmm.

Something like you'd find in a
bird watcher's manual, but funny.

Not corny funny, smart. Client doesn't
want a bunch of sarcastic bullshit.

I also want you to be thinking
about the corresponding looks

that Neiman Marcus
could roll out

to store windows
and catalogues.

So far we have
the Millennial Man's Man,

Mr. Midnight,
and the Gowanus Yachtsman.

So let's hear what else
you guys have.

Hannah.

Okay, I haven't come up
with a name for this yet,

but it's like he's a dad, but he's
not trying to be the coolest dad.

But he's also embracing
vintage Bill Cosbyish dadness,

so that actually inherently
makes him cool.

- And what would you call it?
- Classic Dad?

- Or Dad Classic.
- That's good.

Or, if you want
to be a little sassy,

Kewl Dad,
cool spelled K-E-W-L.

- Kewl Dad?
- Kewl Dad.

Yeah, that's a type worth considering.
Anyone else?

I have another.
The Kaballer.

He is a little sleazy.

You know, he's out
looking for sex,

but he's wearing a kabbalah
bracelet so you know he's spiritual

and he'd, like, fuck some
serious enlightenment into you.

Oh, no, big-time. He's got,
like, drawstring yoga pants,

- widow's peak like Justin Theroux.
- 100%.

Neiman Marcus doesn't sell
a widow's peak,

but worth considering.
I'll write that down.

Anyone else?

The Mod Hatter.

So like a snappy dresser
in an understated hat?

Sort of.

Okay, I think we have to
make sure that it's not like

a "Hey, look at me. I'm wearing
a fedora or a pork pie hat."

- Yeah, fedoras are worse than genocide.
- The worst.

No, I mean Mod Hatter

as in one of those guys you
see walking down the street--

Kevin, you know, I actually
don't think that's a type.

I think that's just
some guy you saw.

- Thank you, Kevin.
- You're welcome.

Anyone else?

I have a couple more.

Has anyone ever, like,
gotten in trouble

for overdoing it
with the snacks?

Has anyone ever been spoken to?

Girl, I gained, like,
14 pounds my first week here.

I never want to see
another Sun Chip again.

( laughs ) See you soon.

( phone rings )

Hannah Horvath's office.

Hey, yo, it's Joe.

- Hi.
- I believe we've met. Remember me?

- Mm-hmm.
- Look to your left.

Other left.

- Hello.
- Hey.

Okay, Kevin hates me.

I mean, I'm used to people being belittled
by my rapid-fire mind pace, but this is--

- Did Karen say anything?
- About what?

About me.

No, why? Are you, like,
into Karen or something?

Shh! No.
I mean, maybe.

I don't know. Why, did she say
that she thinks I'm into her?

We really did not discuss it.

Yeah, that sounds like Karen.

She's so taciturn
and guarded and complicated.

Well, have you ever
asked her out?

Yes, once.
Almost.

Don't tell her that I told you
that I almost asked her out once.

- I'm not telling Karen anything.
- Good.

You're a total psycho.

Okay, thanks.

Anyway-- shit,
I've got to go.

- Okay.
- Lose my number.

Man on computer:
Up next...

- Woman on computer: This psycho bitch
wants to tell me... - ( knocking on door )

- Hey.
- Yo.

Could you take
your shoes off, please?

Yeah, wouldn't want to scuff this
pristine linoleum you got here.

I brought you
some vegan muffins.

Wow, muffins from
the place you run.

What an extravagant gesture.

Yeah, would have brought
you some scones,

but we're running a little low.

So, ready to watch
some shitty TV?

No one asked you to come here.

Look, I know you're going
through a hard time lately.

Okay? And I also know that's the last
thing you'd ever admit to anyone.

Okay? So why don't we
just sit down together

like not friends and
you could introduce me

to your televiewing
sensibilities.

Well, have you ever seen
reality television before?

I've seen Ken Burns's jazz
documentary about 17 times.

- Does that count?
- Absolutely not.

No way.
No, it doesn't.

Um, okay, let's see.

Which "Real Housewives" locale
is the most intriguing to you?

The one set in Prague.

- Beverly Hills?
- Sure.

Okay.

Woman: I paid Shana $400,000...

- ( Adam grunting )
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi, my love.

Oh, you are
so excited to see me.

- How was it?
- It was amazing.

I mean, I was nervous at first,

but then they were like,
"Tell us your ideas."

And I told them my ideas and
they all said, "Great ideas."

- Yeah.
- And then...

This is all free.

It's all shit.

It's all full of chemicals

and fake salt and pigeon bones.

This is just beef.

( clatters )

Well, anyway, I didn't
pay for any of it, so...

How was your day?

Had another fucking audition.

That's great!
How was it?

Well, I walk in and they
have the videotape camera.

And the casting woman was
like, "Look into the camera.

Give us a smile
and say your name."

These fucking people. And so I
looked in the camera and I said,

"Hi, my name is Adam Sackler
and I don't smile on command."

And she was like,
"It's called fucking acting."

I was like, "No, it's
called fucking see ya

'cause I'm fucking
out of here."

What a total bitch.

But, you know, if you really
want to get an acting job--

I don't want to get
an actual job.

Then why are you
going on auditions?

The challenge.

I just like reading emotional
cues from strangers

in a high-pressure
situation.

Oh, yeah, that
definitely makes sense.

But you know what else would
be a cool, fun challenge?

Would be, like,
actually getting a job.

And then we'd be able
to pay all of our rent

and we'd never have to worry.

I could sell these on Etsy
for, like, 20 bucks each.

People are fucking stupid.

- Marnie.
- Shh, shh.

Marnie, sorry to interrupt.
I think I slipped out.

- Okay. Okay. Yes.
- Would you mind putting it back in?

- Okay. Okay.
- Okay, yeah.

- Okay.
- That's much better.

- Thank you.
- Okay, you're welcome.

Hey, Kevin.

I'm really sorry if I upset you
during the meeting yesterday.

You really didn't.

Well, you rolled
your eyes at me, so...

I really didn't.

Come on, dude.
What's your problem?

I just don't like you.

Oh, come on.
Who even says that?

It's 'cause I had, like,
one better idea than you?

No, it's because
I don't like your face.

Wait, my face?

You're not ugly.
I am not saying that.

I'm just not into it.
It annoys me.

Your mouth--

it makes me want
to rip it off your face.

You look like someone I dated who I
hated even while I was dating them.

Man or a woman?

- Oh, come on.
- I wasn't trying to be a jerk.

I want to know if you think
I look like a woman or a man.

- Great.
- Kevin, I don't want to fight.

Come on, what can I do?

I don't know, get a new face?

Everyone knows
I'm the Sun Chip guy here.

You know what?
I'm gonna say this

because nobody else
around here will say it,

but you're doing a dope job.

Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah, dope
by Janice's standards.

- Word. - You're really gonna
make a name for yourself.

Thank you so much, but I'm not really
trying to make a name for myself.

I mean, I just kind of want
to get in, get out.

I'm not looking
to take Janice's job.

Why not?

'Cause I'm a writer.

Yeah, we're all writers.

Yeah, but I'm like, no offense,
just a writer writer.

Not like a corporate advertising,
working-for- the-man kind of writer.

Who is? Kevin over
here won a Yale Series

of Younger Poets
award back in 2009.

- Karen: Mm-hmm.
- You're a poet?

I dabble in the dark arts.

And Karen has had
some great pieces in "n+1."

It was a while ago, but, yeah.

It's like an unpacking of the "Jersey
Shore" through an imperialist lens.

- Joe: That was such a totally great
piece. - Karen: No, it's not.

Are any of you jerks gonna say my
thing, or do I have to say it myself?

Joe had a talk piece
in the "New Yorker."

He wasn't even a year
out of college.

Joe: Which is how I got
this job, by the way.

And thank God I did
'cause I was, like,

right on the verge of packing it
in and moving back to Arizona.

Kevin: Me, too.
Not Arizona, but...

No health insurance, no dental,
no corporate gym membership.

But you all still write, like,
your own pieces and stuff, right?

Like your own spiritually
fulfilling work?

Kevin: I don't know about
that, but we write.

Yeah, of course.
Sometimes.

Yeah, I'm thinking about
some ideas for things.

I'm gonna dive back in as soon
as I figure out my next move.

How long you all been here?

- Five years.
- Three years.

Forever.

I'm so sorry.
I just need one minute.

( breathing heavily )

I don't regret a single
moment of my wild months,

but those oats have been sowed and now
it's time to get back to reality.

- Totally.
- But, I mean, I have a history, Parker.

I have been there
and I have done that.

I'm very je ne regrette
rieny about it,

but is that something that
you think you can handle?

Caitlyn told me
that you told her

that I was literally the dumbest
person you had ever met.

Um, that's just weird.

And she said that

I coul-- I couldn't
find the library,

which is now
obviously not true.

Okay, you're getting off topic.

Also, does that sound like
something that I would say?

No. That sounds like one
of Caitlyn's stupid jokes

because she thinks
she's so provocative.

- Okay.
- But if you don't think you're ready

for a serious girlfriend-boyfriend
relationship, tell me now

because I do not have any more
time to waste on frivolities.

I'm down for whatever.

I totally think you can
tie your shoes, by the way.

( knocks )

Hey, Janice,
do you have a minute?

Sure, Hannah.
Come on in. Have a seat.

Thank you.

You know, you've been
doing a great job.

Oh, thank you.

You remind me a lot
of myself 10 years ago.

Uh, thank you.
Speaking of which,

I don't want to be here
in 10 years.

- Why not?
- I don't know.

I'm just realizing how easy it
is to get seduced by the perks

and the money
and the free snacks.

And then suddenly
I wake up in 10 years

and I'm not a writer anymore, I'm a former
writer who works in corporate advertising.

And that is not my plan.

All right, Hannah. There's
a lot of other people

who would love
to have your job.

That's it?

That's it.

Hey, Janice. You know, I
actually thought about it

and I have decided to stay
if my position is still open.

I'm putting copper pipes
in my house.

I really can't deal
with this right now.

You want to just e-mail me and let
me know if you still work here?

Aren't you supposed
to work today?

No, I texted Keith
and told him to open.

- Oh.
- He's a good man.

Yeah. I keep meaning
to come down and--

oh, shit.

Fucking doppelgangers.

Yeah, and they look just like
Hannah and Adam, too.

Yeah, that's what
doppelgangers means.

- No doy, Ray.
- Oh, good one, Michaels.

Thank you. I know what
doppelganger means.

So wait, Hannah told me
that you were fund raising

for inner-city schools
or something?

- Is that right?
- No, no, it's not right.

That's classic
Hannah hyperbole.

All I did was put a jar by the register so
people can make donations if they wanted to.

- Oh, that's like...
- Yeah, that's nothing.

I'm not like George Soros
or something.

Yeah, no.
Not at all.

One of my biggest regrets
is that I didn't spend

a semester abroad
in Africa, you know,

doing volunteer work
and stuff like that.

Well, you know,
maybe that's for the best.

- What do you mean?
- Well, you know, I mean,

I think it's pretty clear
by now that Western aid

has been shown to be
the very thing

keeping Africa so impoverished
and underdeveloped.

Maybe it's a good thing. Teach
a man to fish and all that.

That's a little bit
racist, Ray.

That's not even
a little bit racist.

That's not even
remotely racist, okay?

That's a rigorous truth
about a very flawed policy.

And it's a little bit
fucking racist.

- Okay, let's skip it.
- Dude, what's your fucking problem?

- What is my problem?
- Yeah.

My problem is
I don't understand

how you can be
so completely dumb.

- Oh, my God.
- That's my problem.

- Dumb?
- Yeah, not technically dumb,

but, you know, at a core
spiritual level.

Well, at least
I'm not the one crying

about how I'm too smart
for grad school.

How dumb is that?

Okay, I never said too smart.
I said too wise.

Okay, well, if you're so wise,
then why are you running

a coffee shop
in Bumfuck, Brooklyn?

I could ask you the same question
right now about those bracelets.

Who goes to the gym
with pavé diamond bracelets?

These aren't fucking pavé.

They're not even close to pavé.

You don't even know what pavé is.
Who's the dumb one now?

Okay, look, you may think my
position is counterintuitive,

but it comes from a deep and unwavering
love for Africa and its peoples.

Okay, I love Africa!

Fucking weird thing to say.

Okay.

That didn't--

that didn't come out
the way I wanted it to.

- Which part?
- Most of it.

Most of the back end
part of it.

I apologize for that.
Could you please sit down?

Why?

'Cause you have no one else
to eat lunch with

and neither do I.

Thank you.

- Dumplings were pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Should we get some more?
- Mmm.

Excuse me, ma'am. Could we get
some more dumplings, please?

( crying )

( phone rings )

Hannah Horvath.

Joe:
Are you crying?

No. Why, did someone
hear me or something?

No, but you're okay?

Uh, yeah.
I'm okay.

Okay. Good.

You know, you could still
be a writer and do this job.

You've just got to-- you've got
to maintain your focus, you know?

You've got to write every night
after work and on the weekends.

- Is that what you do?
- Yeah, that's what I do.

I mean, no, I've definitely
slacked off a little bit

in the past year or two,
but it's doable.

No, you know what?
You're right.

You're so right.
Nights and weekends.

Exactly.
Anyway, I've got to go.

( hangs up )

Okay, so now that we're
officially a couple,

I think that we should have no
less than four hang nights a week.

- Cool.
- Potential hang night activities include

non-sports TV watching,
light reading,

board games,

comparing playlists.

Can we maybe just talk
about this later?

Honest and open communication
about mutual needs

is, like, the cornerstone
to any healthy relationship.

I know, but I just--

If you're afraid of intimacy, then
maybe you're just not ready for this.

- Do you want me to stop?
- No.

There's no need to terminate sex just
because we're not meant for each other.

God, you're so dumb, Parker.

- Can you pull that harder?
- Uh-huh.

Thanks.

We could also,
like, just snuggle.

- Sometimes just snuggling is good.
- I like snuggling so much.

( grunts )

Well, today was not
as good as yesterday.

- So...
- ( crying )

What's wrong, Adam?

What's going on?

I got a callback
from an audition

that I killed.
I fucking murdered it.

I cut its fucking guts out and left it
in a Dumpster by the side of the road.

Oh, my God!
I'm so happy for you.

But, baby, I actually have
to go and write right now

because I'm doing a new thing where I write
every night for three hours no matter what.

- No, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes.

It's for our future.
I love you.

I really do.
I'm so proud of you

and I can't wait to hear
all about it later

when I'm done
with my writing time.

You should have seen
these other fucking jabronis

they called in
for the audition.

They were all keyed up and
nervous like it really mattered.

And I-- I--

you know, I showed up late because I
wasn't even sure if I was gonna go.

So I kind of got there last minute
and they just slipped me in.

Only had 10 minutes to look at
the sides that they'd given me.

Oh, thank you.

♪ Every conversation I've had ♪

♪ And something I take away
so much and lose a lot ♪

♪ It's nothing, I've just
been brought up to expect ♪

♪ I'm just another
fish in the mud ♪

♪ But I am not about
to waste my time explaining ♪

♪ As soon as I go talking,
you fade ♪

♪ And I don't even like,
just love ♪

♪ But who's to say
what the fuck that is? ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh hoo

♪ Ooh ooh ooh hoo

♪ I want to make
a million bucks ♪

♪ Want to make my million

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My fear is a crutch,
a little hell that I live in ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ If she can do it,
what the fuck? ♪

♪ How come I can't?

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I want to make
a million bucks ♪

♪ Want to make my million

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ My fear is a crutch,
a little hell I live in ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ If she can do it,
what the fuck? ♪

♪ How come I can't?

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ I want to make
a million bucks ♪

♪ Want to make my million

♪ My million.