Girls (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 3 - All Adventurous Women Do - full transcript

I could not be more proud of
you for getting this abortion.

Thanks, Shoshanna.

- We always use condoms.
- Do we?

I was just wondering if maybe,
uh, no big deal,

but you could get me an
appointment for, an S.T.D. test?

I mean, since we're gonna
be there anyway.

I don't like women telling
other women what do do

or how to do I
or when to do it.

Every time I have sex,
it's my choice.

I just don't think this is
gonna work out right now.

But call us back
and we'll stay in touch.



You should be able
to just be yourself.

But it seems like myself is
making you very frustrated.

Who cares, Charlie?
It's what men do.

There is seriously nothing
flakier in this world

than not showing up
to your own abortion.

- I've never had sex.
- Really?

You're bleeding.

Oh, my God.

- Charlie: Are your eyes closed?
- Yes, they're closed!

- Are you ready for the surprise?
- I'm... I'm ready.

- Are you sure?
- I'm sure, I'm sure.

Well, uh, okay.
Okay.

Whoo-whee.

- You shaved your head.
- Yeah.



You like it?

No, I don't like it.
I... I hate it.

Oh, no.

You look scary to me, like
Mickey Mouse without the ears.

Why are you doing this?

- It's for Joanna.
- Who the fuck is Joanna?

She's the receptionist
at the office.

She has ovarian cancer
and she started chemo today,

and a bunch of us are doing
this to support her.

Thanks for telling me
about the cancer.

Now I look like a total asshole.

Well...

- How do I look?
- ( Charlie laughs )

You look like you're gonna put
a hex on some popular girls.

Uh, o-okay,
"American History X."

Oh, yeah. Have fun.
Go tweet that.

You look scary, too.

Scarily hot slash amazing?
( Hisses )

What is going on?
Is it some kind of solstice?

- ( Door closes )
- Just touch it.

No, I feel like I don't
know you anymore.

( Theme music playing )

- ( Phone ringing )
- Who the fuck?

- Yo, kid.
- Hannah: You home?

I mean, for the moment, sure.

Come to the window.

Better be good.

That you creeping around
downstairs?

Oh, you look awesome.
Come the fuck upstairs.

- Okay.
- But wait.

- I have to warn you about something.
- What?

If you come up, I'm gonna tie you to
my bed and keep you for at least three days.

- I'm just in that kind of mood.
- Okay, I'll be up in a second.

Okay, so you look, like,
totally gorgeous as always.

Um, and, like, very current.

I'm just wondering if it's maybe,
like, a little bit threatening...

For babysitting.

It's floor-length.

I can see your belly button.

Rah rah rah rah rah...

- This is so horrible.
- I think your stomach is funny.

Well, maybe I don't want
my body to be funny.

Has that ever occurred to you?

It's just three or four pounds.

If you hate it so much,
you can lose four pounds.

Well, I don't lose weight
from my stomach;

I lose weight from my face. So...

You've tried a lot,
to lose weight?

- No, I have not tried a lot to lose weight.
- ( Laughing )

Because I decided I was gonna have
other concerns in my life, okay?

- I apologize. So...
- Do you eat for fun?

- As opposed to what?
- For fuel. I eat for fuel.

I remember to eat
when my eyes get cloudy.

If you're trying to get me
to tell you that you have

a really good body,
then you win.

- You have a really good body.
- I have fat.

You actually really don't.

- I'm looking at you, and you don't.
- Yes, I do.

Gather my fat.

- I'm not gonna play a demented game with you.
- Gather my fat.

You'll feel less alone
if you gather my fat.

- There it is.
- That's skin.

- That is all skin.
- See? See?

- ( Cell phone buzzing )
- That's skin.

Yo, your shit's blowing up.

You're a jerk.

Stop it.

- Hello?
- Hello?

Shh.

Beatrix, honey, I'm sorry.
I can't find it.

- ( Toy squeaks )
- Beatrix: Can I come, too?

No, baby.
Mommy is shooting.

- I'm sorry. Come on.
- Mwah.

Girl: She's making a
documentary about people

who used to be rich,
but now they're homeless

but that can't
just happen to you.

You make choices to get there.

Right, like you make
choices to be mean

to your new babysitter, right?

We'll see where that gets you.

Beatrix:
I wish I was homeless.

Oh, Beatrix, we talked about this
for 20 minutes this morning.

It is not fun.
It's not like camping.

Beatrix: Charlotta
didn't like to play.

- Do you like to play?
- Yeah, I love it.

Mom: Hey, you guys, looks
like it's gonna rain outside.

You guys are gonna wanna do some
insidey things today, okay?

And daddy's not coming
home until about 10:00,

so Jessa's gonna
put you to sleep.

Although I wish
I could. Sorry.

So you can practice piano

or you could do
your mosaic work.

Oh, and, Lola, I'm sure Jessa would
love to proofread your novel.

( Whispering ) Her novel... it's so
cute, but it's only 10 pages long.

- Okay.
- Ugh, hope I'm not forgetting anything.

Uh... okay.

I wish we actually
had time to talk.

Daphne told me so much about
you, what a traveler you are.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I envy that.

I want to pick your brain.

- ( Both laugh )
- Thank you so much.

Kiss me, kiss me.
Goodbye. I love you.

- Goodbye. I love you. I love you.
- ( Giggling )

We'll look for Hampy
in the morning, okay?

See you in the morning.
Be good for Jessa.

Jessa, thank you so much.
You are a lifesaver.

- Thank you.
- D-don't worry.

- Okay.
- Girl: Bye.

- Beatrix: Bye, mom.
- ( Door closes )

Mm-hmm.

No. Thank you
very much.

Thank you. Yeah, I'll call, if I...
thank you. Bye.

Who was that? Bye.

That was my gynecologist.

And what did she say?

She was calling with some
news about my vagina. So...

Was it good news?

I have an S.T.D.
I have H.P.V.

I have H.P.V.

- What does that do?
- I don't really know. It can cause warts.

And you don't have to worry.
I don't have those,

but it can also cause
cervical cancer,

so that's why I have to get my
cervix scraped out next week.

Fuck, I'm so sorry.

Are you sorry because
you gave it to me?

- What?
- Yeah, I am pretty sure you gave it to me.

You're the only person
I've been having sex with.

It is not prevented by condoms.

- Hold your roll. I didn't give it to you.
- Well, how do you know?

- Because I got tested and I don't have that.
- You got tested?

- When did you get tested?
- Last week.

My best dyke friend works for a dick
doctor, and I don't have that shit.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

So now you owe me an apology.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I mean, you have to know that that
seemed like a natural assumption,

and I was freaked out, and...

Are you angry with me now?

Just annoyed, yeah.

Will you still
have sex with me?

When it's appropriate, sure.

Can I hug you goodbye?

I'm busy.

( Ringing )

Good afternoon.
Kwartler Gallery.

- Hannah: Hey, it's me.
- Hi, you.

- How are you?
- I got a call from the doctor with my results.

And? Do you...?

It would appear that I do,
yes, have something.

Oh, my God.
What?

I kind of can't believe that I am
saying this, but I have H.P.V., so...

( Crying )

- Marnie?
- ( Sobs ) Yeah?

Are you crying?

It is just so unfair, Hannah.

Like, you're so careful about sex and
everything, and you're, like, nervous.

I just figured that, like, for people
that are really, really scared of flying,

their planes never go down.

It's just not how it works.

Oh, my God.

What if you can't
have children?

Marnie, I'm fine, okay?
I'm fine.

- Fucking Adam.
- He didn't give it to me, okay?

He got tested
and he doesn't have it.

- I think it was Elijah.
- Elijah?

But Elijah's such a loser.

He only slept with
one person before you.

It was that cellist
with the loose joint disorder.

I know, and she's always, like,
liking my Facebook status.

It's such a weird,
aggressive move.

It's like, "sorry I passed you an S.T.D.,
but I enjoy your quirky web presence."

( Laughs ) How can you joke
at a time like this, Hannah?

Because I'm fine and I'm not
gonna die, so I'm fine.

Well, okay.

I really hate to ring this up,

but, you know,
rent is due in a week.

- The job search...
- I have precancer.

Beatrix: "My neighbor is
named Chamaid Lyrons.

She supported me
when no one else did,

right after
my husband Chuck died

and I left
the Alcoholics Anonymous

and I almost never left from
under my dining room table."

- Is "shuh-made" how you say it?
- Yes.

- How do you spell that?
- C-h-a-m-a-i-d.

That's a beautiful name.

- Did you come up with that?
- Yes.

Story's great, really great.

Loving this string cheese.
Keep going.

- ( TV playing )
- ( Toilet flushes )

Thanks for letting me
change here, Shoshanna.- Mm-hm

Do you know where Jessa is?
Do you know when she'll be home?

Um, probably not till late.
She has a job now.

Okay, I guess
everybody has a job now.

- ( Crowd groaning )
- Oh, my effing "G," no.

- What are you watching?
- "Baggage."

"Baggage"?
What's "Baggage"?

It's, like, my favorite show
on Game Show Network.

No, she didn't.

Marnie and I don't have cable,
so I haven't seen that.

Shut up. No way.
Get over here now.

Okay, so, there are
three contestants.

Today they're girls.

And this guy Danny
is looking for love,

and they each have
three suitcases...

a little one, a medium
one, and a big one.

And in them they have,
like, their secret baggage

and they reveal it.

And if it's super freaky,
he eliminates them.

- Okay, like this chick...
- The black one or the blonde one?

Yeah, the black one.
Her littlest baggage

is that she spends $1,000
a month on her weave,

which host Jerry springer
thinks is "un-be-weave-able."

Her medium baggage is that she plans
her wedding after the first date,

and her biggest baggage is that
she pokes holes in condoms.

- Whoa!
- Mm.

- That's a crazy thing to do.
- I know.

What would you put
in your baggage?

I don't know, I feel like...

So like, for me, I think that

my littlest baggage
would probably be my I.B.S.

And my medium baggage would be that
I truly don't love my grandmother.

- Like, you don't love her at all?
- Mm-mm.

So then what would
your biggest baggage be?

That I'm a virgin.

Obviously.

Yeah, but that doesn't count
because soon you're gonna have sex

and then you're gonna forget
you ever didn't have sex

and then you're gonna have to pick
a new baggage, so it doesn't count.

I hope so.

What's yours?

Let's see, my littlest baggage

is probably that I am unfit
for any and all paying jobs.

My medium baggage is that I
just bought four cupcakes

and ate one in your bathroom.

And my biggest baggage
is that I have H.P.V.,

which I found out today, so...

Oh, my God, do you have warts?

No, I don't have warts,
but, like...

I haven't looked
deep inside myself,

but I don't see any warts.

Oh. It's, like,
much less bad, then.

Jessa has H.P.V.

She does?
She never told me that.

Yeah, like a couple
strains of it.

She says that
all adventurous women do.

Do you know who gave it to you?

Okay, I thought it was
the guy that I'm seeing,

but he's gotten tested,
so now I think it was Elijah,

- my boyfriend for the last two years of college.
- Mm-hmm.

Who broke up with who?

Okay, he broke up with me
because he needed "space."

But then he called me every day
for six months crying, so...

- You have to tell him.
- About my H.P.V.?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, but it doesn't have any symptoms for guys,

and also it would open
a lot of old wounds for him.

I think he's still
in love with me.

Yeah, but it's totally
the responsible thing to do.

And sometimes you have
to break a few eggs

to do what's right.
You know what I mean?

Like, do you really want
all of his future lovers

to suffer the same disease that you have?
No offense.

Yeah, but I thought you said
it's not that big a deal.

No, it's totally not that big
a deal, but it's still like...

I mean, just, like,
in the S.T.D. world,

I think that's
kind of courteous.

Do you have to do it in person?

Um, I don't know.

Like, what are
the other options?

I'm just worried that
if we see each other,

we're gonna end up having sex.

But, like, that's okay because you
both have H.P.V.

God, that's a really
good point.

- ( Music playing )
- ( Chatter )

Hey, good to see you.

Marnie, I think one of these
paintings is up crooked.

What makes you say that?

Because I looked
at it, and it is.

Julien, be a lamb

run and grab my tit tape.

He's got to have a serious
case of tall dick.

You look beautiful tonight.
It's a beautiful night.

- Thank you.
- ( Gasps ) Booth Jonathan.

Booth Jonathan, get over here.

I do not approve of you
fucking Koi Scharf.

You know what I say about
men who fuck asian women.

I know what you say about men
who aren't fucking you anymore.

Shame on you.

This little girl
is a powerhouse.

She's my Jackie O.
You should fuck her.

Don't fuck Koi Scharf, fuck her.

She says she has a "boyfriend,"

but I've never seen him.

Bye, Reese.

I can't believe she just...

I'm really sorry about that.

I'm kind of mortified.
I mean, she's a little bit drunk.

It's just that I am

kind of a huge fan
of your work.

So I didn't want
to give off the...

try and give less of a shit.

Okay.

Thanks.

♪ You know, baby ♪

♪ I know you think we can
make it all work out ♪

♪ but I gotta tell it
like it is ♪

♪ and I don't wanna make this any
harder than it needs to be ♪

- ♪ so don't cry... ♪
- Oh, my God, hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Mm.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You cut your hair. It looks great.
- Yes. Oh, thank you.

Yeah. Remember that time you grew
a beard and then, you shaved it

and then I didn't remember what
your face looked like, so I cried?

( Laughs ) Yes, that was...
that was beautiful.

Do I look the same to you?

Have you lost weight?

If I have,
it's only a few pounds.

I think people
just remember me fatter.

Oh, no, Hannah.
You were never fat.

You were soft and round,
like a dumpling.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So how's work? Are you still
at the archival footage place?

Oh, no, no. Actually, I've taken
an exciting new position.

I'm an assistant
to a curator of dance.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah, it's unpaid,

but it could very well
lead to something.

But what about you?

- I mean, how's the writing?
- Well, it's great.

I'm actually... I'm almost
done with a book of essays.

That's amazing.
Is it titled?

Right now it's "Midnight snack"

is the title,
the working title.

I mean, you know,
there's lots of titles.

Um, it's really great
to hear from you.

Really great to hear from you.

I mean, I've been thinking

how much I wanted
to speak with you.

Well, Elijah, I'm really
happy to see you, too.

I don't want to mislead you.
Mm-hmm.

I did not bring you here to retread
old territory emotionally.

- Okay.
- I'm more open to it physically,

and I brought you here to talk
about something pretty specific.

- Which is a little bit touchy.
- All right.

I don't wanna assume anything
about you and other partners.

It's true.

It's true?

( Sighs ) And I hate that
you found out through

the post-collegiate
rumor mill.

But I'm glad that you heard,
because, you know,

things with Beau
are moving so quickly,

and I just felt like eventually we
were going to either see you, or...

Beau?

Well, that's his name, yes.

And Beau is?

My lover.

Who's male?

Yes.

I didn't know that.

Oh.

So you're gay?

Oh, well, I don't, um...

I don't say gay.

I don't say straight, either.

I'm... I'm with a person
of my own gender,

which essentially means
that I am, you know...

- experimenting.
- Um...

- Which I love.
- Well, thank you.

- Which I love.
- Thank you.

Oh, Hannah.

Hannah, Hannah, Hannah,
Hannah, Hannah.

- Don't...
- Don't.

- Don't.
- Okay, okay.

I'm fine.

What I'm having right now is an
inappropriate physical reaction

to my total joy for you
and your self-discovery.

Well, thank you so much.
Thank you.

And listen, I want you to
know that this exploration

was very much inspired by you.

- And...
- I do explore.

- You do.
- I mean, right now I'm seeing this guy,

and sometimes I let him hit me

on the side of my body.

I mean, that's great
that you're seeing someone.

- Marnie: Why are we running?
- Come on, don't be like that.

The high line is kinda
bullshit, but it'll work.

- Oh, the high line's cute.
- No, it's not.

Slow down.

- Booth: What? No.
- ( Metal rattles )

Have you ever come here with,
like, a book and some friends?

- It's a lame suggestion.
- ( Metal rattling )

- Marnie: It closes at 10:00.
- Yeah, I see that.

Oh, you know, smoking
is really bad for you.

- What, cigarettes?
- Yeah.

Oh, holy shit.
I had no idea. Thank you.

- ( Laughs ) You're welcome.
- Thank you so much.

So, do you live
with your boyfriend?

- No, I live with my best friend.
- She cute?

- Is she?
- No!

I mean, yes, she's cute,
but I would never

let her anywhere near
someone like you.

- Oh, burn!
- Yeah, we, you usually hook up with, like,

French girls and models, right?

Not all the time.

- ( Marnie laughs )
- Sometimes.

- Sometimes?
- Most of the time.

Yeah.

I feel like I have
to say something.

- What do you have to say?
- ( Laughs )

I feel like I should tell
you that I'm not gonna...

I'm not gonna kiss you.

Why would you think
that I would wanna kiss you?

I don't kn... I was
going out on a limb.

Don't make me feel stupid.

When you assume, you make
an ass out of you and me.

You see, that's a saying.

- People say that.
- It's been a long time since I heard that.

Well, touche.

I just felt like
I had to say it,

- Booth Jonathan.
- Okay.

- Okay?
- I see.

But I want you to know,

the first time I fuck you,

I might scare you a little

because I'm a man,

and I know how to do things.

See you later.

( Music playing )

( Lock clicks )

( Gasping )

( Clatters )

- Hey. Jeff.
- Hi. Jessa.

- Yeah, babysitter.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.

Thanks.
So, how'd it go?

With what?

Um...

Oh, the kids.

Oh, Bea is so cute.

Yeah, she fell over and I kicked her
in the head trying to get her up.

She's so resilient.

How was your night?

Oh, I'm, like,
totally destroyed.

I went on a truly
pathetic outing

to the bowery ballroom.

Is there anything sadder
than a band rocking out

to a completely empty room?

I'm sorry no one came
to see your band.

No, it wasn't my band.

- I mean, I'm not...
- Oh. Oh.

It was my friend's.
Anyway, they were awful.

Well, you know,
maybe they weren't awful.

Maybe... maybe
your taste is awful.

- Do you smoke pot?
- Yeah.

Okay.
Um, okay.

Yeah, okay.

Hannah:
So I'm processing this.

Does this mean
that the whole time

we were together, you were...?

Oh, I mean, are you...

you're asking did I always
want to have sex with men?

Yes.

Are you asking did I think about
it when we were together?

Uh, yes.

So then how were you able
to have sex with me?

Well, there's a...

there's a handsomeness
to you, just...

- Oh, my God.
- All right, that's... maybe that wasn't the right...

Well, I am very,
very happy for you.

Thank you.
It means a lot to me.

But I do wish
that you could have

maybe figured this out
a little bit sooner,

like maybe when we were
at Liberal Arts College,

because there were
a lot of gay men there.

Okay, okay.
Now I just feel

there's a lot of aggression
coming off of you.

And also, I wanna let you know

that the reason
I brought you here

was not to discuss
our past relationship,

but to discuss the fact
that I have an S.T.D.

and I'm pretty fucking sure
you gave it to me.

Why would you think that?

Because I've been
having protected sex

with my current boyfriend

and also he doesn't
have H.P.V.

- H.P.V.?
- He was tested and he doesn't have it.

- Oh, your boyfriend was tested for H.P.V.?
- Yes.

- Well, that's absurd.
- And why is that absurd?

Because there is
no test for men.

There is no way a man
can be tested for H.P.V.,

and your boyfriend
would know that.

Had he even taken it at intro level
of Human Sexuality Workshop?

Okay, so you're
saying that you don't have it.

No, I'm saying that there's
no way for me to know.

And quite frankly, Hanna
I resent the accusation.

You were... you were
always like this.

Okay, this is not
the time for you

to throw stones,
because you know what?

I'm the one who was lied to...

- By who?
- By you, for two years.

Well, I think it was
Maya Angelou who said,

"we are only as blind
as we wanna be."

So you're saying that I was
supposed to know that you were gay?

Because let me
tell you something...

this fruity little voice
that you've put on...

- Excuse me?
- ...Is a new thing.

Fruity little voi...
fruity little voice?

Keep your v...
keep it down.

- Is this about the scarf?
- It's not about the scarf.

The scarf is not
helping the situation,

but it's about your tone of voice,

it's about your mannerisms.

- And in my head...
- I am my authentic self.

I am being my authentic self.

If you had been
this gay in college,

I would have known because
I have two eyeballs,

- two ears...
- Really?

You might wanna take some steps
back through your other boyfriends.

And not for nothing,
maybe take a look at your dad.

You didn't just.

I did.

In what way does my father
read gay to you?

Uh, well, he has
a stud in his ear.

He got it on a trip he took with
a bunch of his male friends.

- I hear what that sounded like.
- Are we hearing ourselves?

- I don't think we are.
- You know what I'm gonna do from now on?

What are you gonna do?

Ask people if they're gay
before I have sex with them.

Good luck with that.
Good luck with that.

And don't be surprised
if people ask you

if you keep dressing like that.

I'm gonna have the last word
in this situation.

- It was nice to see you.
- No.

- Your dad is gay.
- No.

- 53.
- ( Laughs ) Oh, my God!

- 54. 54. I'm sorry.
- No. Stop. No.

- People tell you you're good at that?
- All the time.

'Cause you're bad at that.
You're very bad at that.

- You're not good at that.
- You know what... I was probably picking up

on your spirit, which feels 53.

- Oh, my God, that is so much worse.
- ( Laughs )

What's your job?

Has anybody ever told you
that's not a polite question?

No.

Do you think that maybe

that's because
the answer's boring?

Or it also could be
that you don't have a job.

Do you not...
do you not have a job?

It's okay.
I don't have a job.

I never had a... I mean
I didn't have a job until today.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

All right, well, what are you gonna
do with the rest of your life?

Didn't anyone ever tell you
that's a rude question?

( Both laughing )

- Daddy?
- Hmm? Oh.

Hey, Bea.
How are you?

What's up?
Did we wake you up?

- With your talking.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart.

- Was just gonna pay...
- Jessa?

Yeah, I know.
I know, lady.

- Let me get my wallet.
- You know what?

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

Pay tomorrow.
It's fine. Fine.

- Daddy?
- Yeah, baby?

Why are you eating
my school snack?

Um, 'cause sometimes
daddies need a snack.

But you're not in night school.

- ( Music playing )
- ( Keyboard clicking )

♪ I knew I was sad ♪

♪ I recognized it was bad ♪

♪ but now looking back ♪

♪ I see my mind ♪

♪ it was cracked... ♪

- ( Clicks )
- ( New song begins )

( Keyboard clicking )

♪ Somebody said
you got a new friend ♪

♪ does she love you
better than I can? ♪

( Muffled music playing )

- ( Music blaring )
- ♪ I'm giving it my all... ♪

- Hannah?
- ♪ But I'm not the girl you're taking home ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪

♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪

♪ I'm just gonna
dance all night... ♪

- Yo, girl.
- Yo, girl.

What's up?
Oh, my God, Elijah's gay.

- What?
- Yes.

Oh, my God.
That is funny.

Funny is one word for it.
I was gonna go with fucked or sad.

But, I probably
should have suspected

because he only ejaculated
like 30% of the time.

And he seemed gay.

Yeah, he... he seemed gay.

He seemed gay.

- Yeah, he was gay.
- ( Both laughing )

♪ Why can't you see me? ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ I'm giving it my all ♪

♪ but I'm not the girl
you're taking home ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪

♪ I keep dancing on my own ♪

♪ so far away,
but still so near ♪

♪ the lights go on,
the music dies ♪

♪ but you don't see me
standing here ♪

♪ I just came to say goodbye ♪

♪ I'm in the corner
watching you kiss her ♪

♪ oh oh oh ♪

♪ I'm giving it my all ♪

♪ but I'm not the girl
you're taking home ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ♪