Girls (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 4 - Hannah's Diary - full transcript

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

HANNAH: Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- (DOOR OPENING)

- Oh, my God.
- MARNIE: What? What's up?

Oh, my God.

- What is this?
- (DOOR OPENS)

- CHARLIE: What's going on?
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! That's a dick.

Somebody please explain this to me.

That's a semi-hard dick with
a squirrel skin... (LAUGHS)

...wrapped around it.



Adam just texted that to me.

I have no words.

I am sorry that I woke you up, but...

Are you kidding? I'm so
glad you woke us up.

- This is mental.
- That is a big dick.

How can you tell? It's so close-up.

You need, like, more context
to know how big the dick is.

No, trust me. I can tell.

I feel like I can smell
it through the phone.

You never send me dick pics.

- Do you want one?
- No.

Ew!

(GIGGLES)

- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh.



- It's him.
- Oh, my God.

I don't... It's probably, like,
his asshole wearing a friendship bracelet.

It's a text. It says, "Sorry,
that wasn't for you."

"Sorry" is spelled S-R-Y, and in capitals.

- What are you doing? Don't respond to that.
- Why not?

Because he basicallyjust told you

that picture of his penis
was meant for another girl.

He never mentioned a girl, so...

You're smarter than this, Hannah.

Okay, if there was another girl,
he would never be this obvious about it.

Yes, he would. He's a noted psychopath.

- You don't know. You've never met him.
- No one has.

This is the first evidence
of his existence.

Okay, what would you write?

Just ask him who it was meant for.

No, write nothing.

Or just ask him if you can borrow his dick
to club some baby seals.

Do not respond.

Just trust me on this one.

Don't respond.

Do not respond.

- Good night.
- Good night.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

RICH: Hannah.

What are we gonna do with you?

I really apologize.

I thought I had a better handle on Windows,

and lam more of a Mac girl, but if you
give me an hour with the manual...

I'm just giving you a hard time.
I know you'll get there.

Thank you so much.

"Work with the chart wizard."

You look tense.

Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm just a hunch-y person naturally.

Mmm.

- Thank you.
- (EXHALES)

Okay, now just lean into the pain.

My wife and I took a Reiki healing course
at Club Med.

Fascinating stuff.

Okay.

You need to sit up a bit straighter.

Yeah, my mom tells me that all the time.

And open up the solar plexus.

And just breathe.

- You feel that?
- I do.

RICH: Oh, much better. Much better.

That's really much better.

'Cause it's like an exclamation point

next to "Hi" makes it, like,
a little bit overeager,

but, like, a period is kind of okay...

You know what the weirdest part
about having a job is?

I'm... No, I'm a student.

You have to be there every day,
even on the days you don't feel like it.

- Do you not feel like it today?
- Today's fine.

I just don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.

Shoshanna.

Hey, you remember me?

It's Matt, Matt Kornstein.

Camp Ramah.

Yeah, hi.

You led the most intense kitchen raid
I ever saw

in my time as a junior counselor.

That was pretty intense.

No, it was the most intense.

We planned it for, like, weeks, but...

It was really awesome.

You know...

Okay, I'm gonna leave you guys
to whatever this is.

Yeah, but didn't you go home early
that summer? Like, what was with that?

Because I think I heard a rumor
that you tried to kill yourself

by sucking all the air out of a raft.

No way.

Okay, I'm anxious, not depressed.

I did that on a dare.

(CHUCKLING) on.

I will never forget the time
that you saved that girl

who was stuck between two kayaks.

Oh, yeah. A leg in each kayak.

You can die that way.

Like, seriously, you can split your ass.

Totally.

We should hang out.

Yeah.

Um...

I kind of have class right now,
but I could, like, totally cancel it.

- Like tonight.
- Okay.

- Yeah, we should hang out tonight.
- Um... Yeah.

- Hey, Lesley.
- Hey, Hannah.

How's your first week going?

Um, it's good. It's been good.

Listen, I'm just wondering
if there was anything specific

you thought I should know about Rich?

He touch you?

Yeah. Like my breasts a little bit.

I know.

Rich massaged Hannah.

Oh, yeah? You'll get used to it.

What?

Look, I know it's gross, but he's really
nice and he got Tommy health insurance.

He doesn't complain if I come in
or if I don't and stuff.

And he paid for my sister to go to camp.

Oh, and he got me an iPod for my birthday.

- That was very nice of him.
- I know. It's a Nano.

So you've never said
anything to him about it?

- No, never.
- Why?

Wow.

Okay.

Oh, my God.
What happened to your eyebrows?

MY eyebrows?

Yeah, they're really, really patchy.

I plucked them all out in eighth grade. I
feel like they just grew back differently.

Here, let me... Let me see something.

I'm gonna do something with them, okay?

Yeah, she's gonna make them good.

- Wow, your eyelids are oily, really oily.
- Yeah.

- Have you noticed that?
- No.

- What would that be from?
- Probably your diet.

- Yeah. You eat salad?
- Yes.

Vegetables, lots of vegetables, right?

- You're a vegetarian'?
- I was. I'm not anymore.

I can tell you're a vegetarian. It's okay.

- You know what's good for your skin?
- What?

- Sugar.
- Brown sugar.

No, white sugar.

Right? So, I mean, the melody was...

(SINGING) Oh, where are you going.

In those Keds?

And then I would just sing that twice,
and then you would help me out on the...

Sing along with me on the...

In those Keds.

- On the last one'? Just the last one, right?
- Yeah.

- In those Keds?
- In those Keds?

Nice. Maybe I'll do
a little shh rubout on the bongos.

- Yeah. That's beautiful.
- Yeah.

Are you comfortable... Like, does the concept
of the song... Is that clear to you?

You're walking behind a girl on the street
and she's wearing Keds.

- Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah.
- Right.

Thanks for helping me with this, man.
I really appreciate it.

Marnie's been completely on edge lately,

and I just wanna surprise her
with something nice.

Like a coffee table made
out of street garbage.

Yeah, I mean, it looks like that,

but, I mean, it's in the style of this thing
that she likes from Restoration Hardware.

Your girlfriend is my own private nightmare.
Do you understand that?

Someone should just fuck her
to teach her a lesson.

You know, just fucking chain her up to
a post and just fucking fuck her hard.

And just whip her.
Just fucking whip her until she fucking...

Whatever.

But that's what I'm saying.
It wasn't always like this.

I mean, it wasn't like this in college.

I think she's just going through some kind
of temporary adjustment into adult life.

It's not adult life
if your parents pay for your BlackBerry.

She pays for half of her BlackBerry.

Bullshit.

Where are you going?

Well, we've never been in the girl apartment
without the girls being here, right?

There's no way
I'm not gonna fondle some girl stuff.

You were late.

What do you mean, I was late?

I was, like, five minutes late.

You're such a little Nazi, you know that?

- I just don't like school.
- I know.

Well, that's because you're not insane.

- How was your day'?
- I ate my snack, but I lost my barrette.

You smoked a pack of cigarettes?

I ate my snack, but I lost my barrette.

Hold on. You ate a pack of cigarettes?

Do you realize how out of line that is?

Daddy, Daddy! Terry!

- Oh, my goodness!
- Hey! Fancy meeting you here.

What's up, you little turds?

Monkey.

So Uncle Terry just got back from...

Rehab!

Tahoe.

Swear to God, I told her Tahoe.

Can we stay with you?

No, sweetheart,
because Daddy and Uncle Terry

have to go talk about some work stuff.

What work stuff? You don't even have a job.

(CHUCKLES)

Busted.

Okay, come on. We're going to the park.

- It's raining.
- Okay, well,

a woman should know
when she's not wanted.

- All right, we'll see you later.
- Bye, Dad! Bye, Terry.

Te TTY

don't quit before the miracle.

Yikes. Where'd you find her?

Back of the Village Voice?

Katherine found her.
She's great, very present.

Present. Who cares if she's present?

She has the face of Brigitte Bardot
and an ass like Rihanna.

- So clean, so blond.
- Yeah, they're nice.

When you see a family like this,
don't you just wonder

- if they're all having sex with each other?
- No.

Just locking the doors, drawing the curtains,
and just plowing through the family tree?

No, no, no, no. Come on.
What are you doing? Stop. Stop.

Just once in my life, I'd like to have sex
with someone who looks like me, you know?

Just to see what it's like, try it out.

My sister's a fucking fatty.
My parents are dead.

So, I've got nothing.

Okay, so where have
you always wanted to look

that you've never looked before?

I've never thought about it.

Marnie's not very secretive, so...

Well, we know where she keeps
her vagina massager.

Um...

- You mean vibrator?
- (\/IBRATOR BUZZING)

Because that's what I call it.

- And that's a share tool.
- (BUZZING STOPS)

You're a share tool.

Okay.

- For you, Rich.
- Thank you, my darling.

- Boy, this weather, huh?
- Yeah, I don't know what happened.

It was beautiful earlier.

Oh, well, rain, shine, what the hell?

I'm feeling lovely today.

Now, you'll tell me if the touching
ever bothers you, right?

I'm just a touchy kind of guy.

RAY: Hello, Hannah!

(LAUGHING) Crotch-less panties.

Nothing makes me erect
faster than a girl's...

These are holes.

This is underwear with holes in the crotch.

Okay.

I wonder where she hides her chocolate.

She's...

(CHUCKLES) Ding, ding, ding.

No, no, no. Come on, dude.

Don't read that. That's Hannah's journal.

Of course she keeps a journal,

like all girls who listen to Tori Amos
and masturbate.

Come on, this is making me
very uncomfortable.

- Please don't read that.
- She's kind of funny.

I mean, I don't really care how she feels
about keeping bread in the house,

but she's kind of funny.

She's a writer, man. That's her thing.

What?

Hey?

Huh?

- What's up?
- Nothing. Let's go back to that table.

- We've got a lot of work left to do.
- No, no, no, no.

- What?
- Let me see it.

Dude, your girlfriend is the most
boring person on the planet, all right?

And this girl is a very, very close second.

- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, this is drivel.

There's nothing to see here, Charles.

I mean, this is... I think you're right.

- Like, it's a violation of...
- So why do you have it in your hand?

Well, I just think, you
know, this is creepy

and we shouldn't be
looking at other people's...

Can you stop being
fucking weird about it, man?

- Take it easy, man.
- You're being so fucking secretive about it.

- Let go! Shit, relax!
- It's annoying me. It's fucking annoying.

I wanna go on the slide!

WOMAN: I hate my boyfriend,

but he work at the Verizon store
and I get such a good phone plan.

Which ones are yours?

Beatrix and Lola. They're by the slide.

Lola's being such a see-you-next-Tuesday,
you know what I mean?

I can't wait to get her home to her mother.

You're the babysitter?

Yeah, of course I'm the babysitter.
What, do you think I have kids?

I'm 24 years old.

You're the babysitter?

I thought for sure
you was an actress with some baby.

No. I'm just like all of you.

- And Mercury was in retrograde.
- Oh, my God.

- Girl, I could not get anything right.
- When is it not in retrograde?

- What is my sign?
- Gemini.

- Thank you.
- Good night, ladies.

- Bye.
- Bye, Hannah. Good night, mama.

Wait, wait, wait.
How was the rest of your day?

You know, weirdly,
I think I'm kind of getting used to it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you know, because it takes a little time.

Yeah.

Don't tell your boyfriend
about that hands-y stuff.

I told my man.
I thought he was gonna go buck.

I probably shouldn't even
call this guy my boyfriend.

- Well, that's like a different thing, yeah.
- Yeah.

But do you wanna see something weird?

Yes. Please.

Wow. Okay.

You know, I like a dirty pic,
but this, right here, is weird.

- What is that'?
- It looks like a rapper's fur coat.

It does. Do you know
my mother used to have a hat like this?

I know. He sent that
and then he sent another text that said,

"Sorry, that wasn't for you."

"Sorry" spelled S-R-Y.

Okay, first of all, who
spells "sorry" wrong?

- Okay, how old are we? This is ridiculous.
- Girl, definitely.

This picture wasn't for you?
That is fucked up.

- I know. It's so disrespectful.
- Damn. You need to leave him.

- Here, get it away from me.
- You need to

- break up with this guy on the immediate.
- Thank you.

- On the immediate.
- This is ridiculous.

But we put up with Rich
touching our butts all the time.

- That's a hella different.
- Different.

- A hella different.
- Different.

CO-WORKER 1: You need to have
a little self-respect.

CO-WORKER 2: Yeah,
that picture was fucking disgusting.

- Have some self-respect.
- You know the difference.

That's insane to me how little you make.

Personally, I'm offended by that.

You know, you need
to tell your bosses that you are valuable,

that you have their children's lives
in your hands.

You know, maybe...
Have nannies ever unionized?

Maybe there could be, like, a local one
just for this neighborhood.

I could write us the charter.

I don't know what that is,
but that sounds awesome.

So I would take a pay cut
just for the good of the group.

I really would. I don't consider myself
to be a political person,

but when there's a cause
that I find meaningful...

Excuse me, where did your kids go?

(WHO'S YA DADDY PLAYING)

They were...

Shit.

Lola!

Beatrix!

Fuck!

Lola! Beatrix!

Hey! I found them!

There's babies hiding under the gazebo!

You little fuckers! Come out right now.

BEATRIXI No.

Do you know how much you scared me?

- Come out right now.
- No!

- Do you like the movie?
- Yeah. You know, it's chill.

We could, like, watch something else
if you're not into it.

I have, like, other movies.
I have, like, five things from Netflix.

I have, like, an animated one,
and a few Jen Aniston ones.

I have, like, an original James Bond
with Pierce Brosnan

if you're into that, or something else.

No, it's not the movies, it's just my knee.

It just, like, really starts to ache
if I can't stretch it out.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No. It's fine.

You could put it on me
if that'll help or whatever.

Okay.

You could touch it, if you want.

I don't wanna touch if we haven't kissed.

Oh, God, you smell like a baby.

'Cause I wear Lady Speed Stick.

God, you got a hot rod little bod
and everything.

Thank you.

You know, people always say that city girls
are much hotter than Long Island girls,

but I'm not about to be agreeing with that.

Oh, and I like to eat pussy, too.

I know, it seems really weird,
but I freaking love it.

Oh, okay. Okay.

Wow. Okay.

Um...

Um...

Do you wanna have sex?

Do... Do you wanna have sex instead?

Now? If you want?

You want to?

Like, yeah, if you want to.

This is so chill, the
way this is happening.

- I love it.
- Cool.

Okay, so I just thought
you should know something

just in case it's, like,
weird or I'm weird,

which I totally shouldn't be,
but, like, just in case I scream,

which I won't,
I'm, like, totally ready to have sex.

I've just never had sex before.

So, like, I thought I'd tell you that.

- What?
- What?

Yeah, it's just really not my thing.

- What's not your thing?
- Virgins.

Oh, okay, but, like, except for the fact
that I haven't had sex,

I'm, like, totally not even a virgin.

I'm, like, the least virgin-y virgin ever.

Yeah, no offense, okay.

I'll totally have sex with you
once you've, like, already had sex.

I just... You know, it's like,
virgins get attached or they bleed.

It's like, you get attached when you bleed.

I so don't get attached when I bleed.

You know, it's, like, amazing.
I'm, like, totally not an attached bleeder.

Yeah, it's not gonna happen.

The guy's definitely gay.

Not like you are, fucking sicko.

- BEATRIX: Mommy!
- Hi, you guys!

- Daddy! Daddy!
- Wow, I thought you guys would be sleeping.

They wanted to wait up for you.

Oh, well, I'm so happy to see you guys.

How was your day?

BEATRIX: A gerbil was born
and it looked like a chewed tomato.

- It was sick.
- That sounds sick.

LOLA: Jessa lost us.
JEFF: What?

She lost us, after school.

- But where would that have happened?
- At the park.

JEFF: Wait a second.
Come on, Lola, I saw you guys all together.

- It was after.
- Lola.

- You can't pull a fast one on me.
- Lola, no more lies.

I'm not lying.

- No, no, no.
- Now let's get to bed, bugs.

- It's really, really late.
- No!

All right, Mommy and Daddy's bed.

- Special occasion.
- Yay!

- Sorry.
- BEATRIX: This is awesome!

Hey, thank you so much
for staying late, Jessa.

- You saved us tonight. Thank you.
- Of course.

Okay, kids.

I did lose your kids.

I wasn't properly looking
on, and I lost them.

And if Lola doesn't hate me already,
she certainly hates me now.

- We've all done it.
- We have?

I have, once, with Lola,
when she was three.

We were at the Union
Square farmer's market.

I was holding her by the hand.

I let go for, like, a
second, and she was gone.

- She just tore off.
- Where'd you find her?

She was in the back of a soy milk truck
with a very nice lady.

I get that.

I mean, I... Actually, I used
to do stuff like that myself.

When I was little, I would run away
and tell lies all the time.

Like what?

Like, my mom's this awesome mom,
and, you know, we're best friends.

Well, things like that.

Hopefully, Lola will turn out
as well as you did.

Jesus Christ, what the fuck
is up with your eyebrows?

I'm not saying.

I don't... I didn't come
here to talk about that.

You look like a Mexican teenager.

It rules.

I came here to say that I don't think
we should see each other anymore.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore,

and it makes me feel stupid and pathetic

to get a picture of your dick
that I know was meant for someone else,

and you didn't even bother to explain,

because I made you think
that you don't have to explain.

- So...
- (DOOR OPENING)

What are you asking?

I'm not asking anything.

I'm really not asking you for anything.

I have never asked you for anything.

I don't even want anything, okay?

I respect your right to see
and do whoever you want,

and I don't even want a boyfriend, so...

What do you want?

I just want someone
who wants to hang out all the time,

and thinks I'm the best
person in the world,

and wants to have sex with only me.

And it makes me feel
very stupid to tell you this,

because it makes me sound like a girl
who wants to, like, go to brunch.

And I really don't wanna go to brunch,

and I don't want you to,
like, sit on the couch while I shop,

or, like, even meet my friends.

I don't even want that, okay?

But I also don't wanna share
a sex partner with a girl

who seems to have asked
for a picture of your dick.

And also, I don't want
a picture of your dick

because I live very near you,

so if you wanted me to look at your dick,

I could just come over
and look at your dick.

And I don't really see you hearing me,

and I don't really see you changing.

So...

I just summed it up for you.

And I'm sorry that I didn't
figure it out sooner,

and you must think I'm even stupider
than you thought I was already.

But consider it a testament to your charms,
because you might not know this,

but you're very, very charming

and I really care about you.

And I don't want to anymore,

because it feels too shitty for me.

So I'm gonna leave.

Oh, my God.

I don't like it when you
talk to me that way.

Well, I don't like talking
to you that way, okay?

I just wanna be sweet to you.
That's the thing that's...

But I also wanna know
why you didn't text me back.

What, to the picture? Ljerked off to it.

You jerked off to it?

No, you looked like
you were getting fucked with a cucumber.

I can't take a serious
naked picture of myself, okay?

- That's just not who I am.
- Then just be who you are.

(SINGING) My heart sped up.

When you picked your Ked up
off the pavement.

Would you have sex with a virgin?

Depends on the virgin.

Me.

Oh, Shosh.

If I had a cock, it's all I'd do.

(SINGING) Oh, where are you going.

In those Keds?

- Hey, hey.
- Hi. Where have you been?

- They're on their third song.
- I'm coming from work.

And why do you look so pink and smiley?

Will you be dead
before you learn to recognize

a recently fucked person?

I just told you that we didn't fuck.

Are you allowed
to go to the bathroom during?

No.

(SINGING) In those Keds?

Whoo!

CHARLIE: Wow, thank you all
very much for coming.

My name is Charlie.

And I'm Ray. And together
we are Questionable Goods.

- WOMAN: Yeah!
- This next song is...

It's a new one, so bear with us.

It's our first time playing it.

And it is for my g-friend Marnie

and for her friend, too, Hannah.

And this is called Hannah's Diary.

Good name.

CHARLIE: Yep. One, two.
RAY: One, two, three...

(SINGING) What is Marnie thinking?

She needs to know what's out there.

What is Marnie thinking?

How does it feel.

To date a man with a vagina?

Doesn't she want to feel an actual penis?

Is this a love song?

This is the bridge.

"Marnie has to stop whining,"

"and break up with him already."

"Of course it'll be painful,
but she's already in so much agony,"

"stuck in a prison of his kindness."

"Just because someone is kind"

"doesn't mean that they're right."

"Better to end it now,"

"and cut off the limb
and let the stump heal."

"He'll find someone else,"

"someone that appreciates
his kind of smothering love."

Thank you very much for all coming out.

Everyone have a great fucking night.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

You're such a fucking bitch!

Fucking hell.

That was awesome!

I think I'm gonna puke.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)