Girls (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - Vagina Panic - full transcript

- Yeah, do you like that?
- Yeah, I like that.

- What do you like?
- I like everything. I like what you're doing.

I knew when I found you
that you wanted it this way.

Found me where?

In the street, walking alone.

But we didn't meet
in the street.

We met at a party.

Uh, my God, on the street.
Yeah, the street.

- Oh, yeah.
- You were a junkie and you were only 11.

- Okay. - And you had your fuckin'
cabbage patch lunchbox.

Yeah, and I was really
scared when I saw you.



- Okay, okay.
- Fuck.

You're a dirty little whore
and I'm gonna send you home

to your parents covered in cum.

Oh, don't do that.
They're gonna be so angry.

- Okay. Okay.
- Fuck. Fuck.

- Okay.
- Where do you want me to come?

- Uh, where--
- Fuck.

- What are the choices?
- Face? Tummy?

- Those little tits?
- Oh, my God. My tits--

it seems like you wanna come on
my tits, so I think you should

come on my tits
because I want you to come

and it seems like
you're gonna do it.

- Touch yourself.
- Okay. Where?

- You know where. Touch yourself.
- Okay.



It's a little hard
from this angle.

From now on,

you have to ask my permission
whenever you wanna come.

If you're touching yourself and
you think you're gonna come,

you'd better
fucking call me first.

You want me to call you?

Okay.

I'm gonna make the fucking
continent of Africa on your arm.

Fuck!

That was really good.
That was so good.

I almost came.

You want a-- a Gatorade?

What kind?
What flavor?

Orange.

Um... no, thanks.
I'm good.

- It's good.
- Yeah, it does.

Oh, hey, look at me.

- Yeah.
- Look at me.

Let's look at each other
when we come.

- I'm gonna turn around.
- Hmm?

- But-- but you hate doggie.
- No, I don't.

I just don't like doing it all the time.

No, you said it makes you
feel like a piggy bank.

No, I said it makes me
look like a piggy bank.

Okay. You ready?

I'm ready.

F-ucking Jesus,
this feels so good.

Okay, let's go.

Okay, I gotta go slow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Could you not smoke inside?

Oh. Could you just--

Could you not
smoke ins--

It's, like,
I'm totally cool, but--

It's pot.
Do you want some?

Oh, no, I'm hyper
enough already.

What are you making?

It's my manifestation board.
I use it for inspiration.

Like, when I'm not feeling inspired,
I just look at the board--

- Can I make one?
- Oh, my God, totally.

You should totally make one.

We should make one together.

No, I wanna make my own.

Yeah, much better idea.

Totes.

You know, Jessa, I'm--

What you're going through
is, like, really, really hard

for any young woman,
and it totally makes sense

that you would wanna
escape through drug use,

but you have to know that
you're not just my cousin,

you're my friend.

And I could not be more proud of
you for getting this abortion.

Thanks, Shoshanna.

Okay, I think
I got everything...

testicles, spectacles,
wallet, watch...

'Kay, bye.

Did I leave anything
in there with you?

No.

Where are you headed?

Um, don't you remember?

I'm a dirty little whore going
home to my parents covered in cum,

- your cum.
- What?

That was a joke about the thing you said
last night when we were having sex,

about how you were gonna send me
home to my parents covered in cum.

I, um-- I'm just going home
to get my cell phone charger,

and then I'm going to a job
interview, and then, um...

I'm actually accompanying
a friend to her abortion.

So that's what I'm doing.

Shit.

That's kind of a heavy
fucking situation.

Is it really? I feel like people
say that it's a huge deal,

but how big a deal
are these things actually?

- I don't know.
- Right. Yeah, it's just an abortion.

- That's silly.
- No. I'm not saying that.

I just mean,
what was she gonna do,

have a baby and take it
to her babysitting job?

- It's not realistic.
- No shit, fucker.

I never thought of it that
way, but it's a good point.

Mean, I guess
I don't really know,

because this is the first
abortion I've ever been to.

No, you don't say.

I really hope you didn't
find that flippant,

because I did not mean that
abortions aren't a big deal.

I just meant that I have very little
sympathy for people who do not use condoms,

because that is how you get pregnant
and that is how you get diseases.

Well, I don't know
what it is about me,

but girls never ask me
to use condoms.

- Girls never asked you to use condoms?
- No.

I do what I'm told.

- We always use condoms.
- Do we?

Yeah.
We used one last night.

Oh, yeah, I guess we do.

That's probably why
it takes me 25 years to nut

whenever I have sex with you.

Hey.

Oh, you're totally
freaking out right now.

You have total
freak-out face.

- I'm not freaking out right now.
- Yes, you are.

How would you even know what
I look like freaking out?

- You've never seen me freak out.
- It's okay.

I'm totally fine, okay?

And you're totally pretty.

- Okay? - Stop trying to kiss me.
Stop trying to kiss me.

Stop trying to kiss-- okay.
I'll see you later.

If you tell me what I am doing,

then I will immediately
stop doing it.

That's the point--
you shouldn't

stop doing something
just because I tell you to.

You should be able
to just be yourself.

But it seems like myself is
making you very frustrated.

Who cares, Charlie?

You should just be able
to go about your business,

piss me off,
and not give a fuck.

That's what men do.

It's like I don't even
know how to m--

make love to you anymore.

Make love to me?
You mean, fuck me?

It's like you want me to be like some
dude who just doesn't give a shit.

Like, "Oh, fucking suck it",

and then fucking lay down
and take a nap."

Ew.

"You want these fucking nuts
in your mouth?"

No, I don't want
to suck on your nuts.

- Oh, come on. Really?
- No.

Have you seen your nuts?

- Ew.
- Like, I know you're joking,

but that's not funny
to be like, "ew."

Ew.

I never get
used to those stairs.

We'll talk about it later.
Have a great day, ladies.

Oh, I mean, sluts.

You're a slut.

What?

- I'm sorry about him.
- No sweat off my back.

- What's going on?
- Oh, my God.

I mean, he's so busy
respecting me, you know,

that he looks right past me

and everything
that I need from him.

Okay, you are
a 23-year-old girl

who's had the same
boyfriend for four years,

so you're also
allowed to be bored.

That's an okay excuse, too.

That is a really simplistic
explanation for what's going on.

I'm sorry if I minimized it.

I'm just unwilling
to accept the idea

that you have
too great a boyfriend.

Although, if you want someone
to feed you abusive rhetoric,

just send him to Adam's
house for the night.

- He'll learn a lot.
- Oh, more hooker stuff?

Hooker stuff, daddy st--

a combin--
a platter of stuff.

Hannah, Adam cannot
do that to you.

He can't. He's not allowed.
He's not your boyfriend.

Hello, Kwartler Gallery.
This is Marnie speaking.

- Hi.
- Hey. 'Sup?

Oh, nothing. Actually, I was
just wondering if maybe--

no big deal, but you could get me an
appointment for this afternoon, too?

- Why?
- Oh, you know, for an STD test.

I mean, since we're gonna
be there anyway.

And it's like, you know, I'm gonna
be there, you're gonna be there.

Maybe we both get them.
Maybe we all get them.

No. Thank you, though.

Well, when's the last time
you did that?

Well, Charlie's been tested twice
since we've been together,

- so I figure that's--
- Not the same thing.

I've only had sex
with two and a half men,

and I'm gonna start doing it every few
months, I think, just to be responsible.

You were just bragging to me

about how you
always use condoms.

Julian, stop listening.

I mean, if that's true,
then don't you think

you probably
don't have anything?

Yeah, but what about the stuff that gets
up around the sides of condoms, okay?

What about that stuff?
Have you thought about that stuff?

Okay, crazy one, I'll
schedule you an appointment.

So this guy's
making you bananas?

I've never experienced
anything like it.

The thing is I have absolutely no
sense of how he really feels about me

because when we are together,

he's so there
and he's so present.

And then he disappears
for two weeks

and doesn't answer
any text messages,

and I feel as though
I invented him.

Did you invent him?

If I'd invented him, then I wouldn't
have a giant bruise on my ass.

Pause.

I have something
to contribute here.

"Listen, ladies:

A tough love approach
to the tough game of love."

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'm gonna admit that I have hate-read that book.

Oh, my God!

It, like, totally changes
your perspective, right?

Okay, "If a man doesn't
take you on a date,

he's not interested,
point-blank.

'Let's meet up with friends'
is not a date,

it's a date for him to decide whether
you're truly good enough to date,

and that's unacceptable,
ladies."

There have to be
exceptions to that rule.

"Sex from behind is
degrading, point-blank.

You deserve someone who wants to look
in your beautiful face, ladies."

What if I want to focus
on something else?

What if I want to feel
like I have udders?

This woman doesn't care
about what I want.

But here's my question:
Who are "the ladies"?

Obvi-- we're the ladies.

I'm not the ladies.

Yeah, you're the ladies.

I'm not the ladies.

Yes, you are.
You're the ladies.

You're being unfair.
You can't force me to be a lady.

I'm not forcing you
to be a lady.

You just--
Okay, I'm a lady,

she's a lady, you're a lady,

we're the ladies.

Fuck that silly
little fucking book.

I told you, I just read it

in a weird moment of desperation
at the Detroit airport.

How could you even finish
a book like that?

That book is so idiotic, I
couldn't even read it on a toilet.

It might be pink and cheesy,

but there's actually some
very real wisdom in there

about how to deal
with men and--

That woman is a horrible lady.

Why is this
bothering you so much?

I'm offended by all
the supposed-to's.

I don't like women
telling other women

what to do or how to do
it or when to do it.

Every time I have sex,
it's my choice.

- Yeah. - And if I wanted to go
on some dates, I would.

But I don't, because
they're for lesbians.

Are you okay?

What is wrong?

I mean, I know what is wrong,
but how is it wrong?

- Are you scared?
- No.

- Are you angry?
- Who would I be angry at?

- Maybe you're a little angry at yourself.
- No!

- So are you angry at me?
- You are so self-involved.

- Are you sad?
- I am not a character for one of your novels.

Stop staring
at my face so hard.

Fine, ok.

And also, I write essays.

You know, I want
to have children.

I really wanna have children.

Yeah, of course, you do.

And you will have children at a time
when your life is actually set up--

I'm gonna be amazing at it.
I'm gonna be really good.

I know that you are.

I've never doubted that
for a second.

And I wanna have children with many
different men of different races.

So, I have this job interview

and I'm gonna
meet you there at 1:00.

- I love you, okay?
- That's okay.

This-- you know,

I mean, the truth is
it's pretty boring

and we're just like
a trade journal.

No. My God, I mean, I would
be so excited to work here.

And I'm also, I should say,
responsible, decisive,

and all the other qualities you're weirdly
allowed to name in a job interview.

Yeah. I think
the only other place

that you're allowed
to brag like that

is on your online
dating profile.

- Not that I have one.
- Oh, no, of course not.

So-- so you live
in Brooklyn?

Is it Williamsburg?

- No, I live in Greenpoint.
- Oh.

- You know, big difference, Williamsburg and Greenpoint.
- Oh, sure, yeah.

- Are you in Brooklyn or...?
- Yeah, Cobble Hill.

Oh, that's like
grown-up Brooklyn.

Yeah, I'm like
a real live grown-up.

Can't you tell?

So, in your neighborhood, do you
ever drink at that place Weather Up?

That's a little bit hip
for my taste.

Are you kidding?
You're very hip.

But I do object to any bar that
calls its bartenders "mixologists."

- Exactly.
- And they wear tiny vests.

- I know.
- If I'm gonna drink in your neighborhood,

- then I wanna go to Washington commons.
- Washington commons!

- Oh, my God, I love that place.
- Hands down.

I like a bar where
the median age is about 55.

I like a bar where the average patron
would be described as "crotchety."

- Crotchety's good.
- Crotchety's great.

- Crotchety's undervalued.
- It's true.

In our modern society,
crotchety is undervalued.

So, I should probably look at
your resume as a formality.

- I'm totally fine if you don't, too.
- Yeah.

And so--
yeah, this is great.

- This is really--
- Where did you go to school?

Oh, I just went-- I went
to Syracuse, upstate.

- I have so many friends who went there.
- Yeah, me, too.

Because you went
there with them.

Yeah, a few of them up there.

I read a statistic
that said Syracuse

has the highest incidents of
date rape of any university.

Wow.

Which weirdly went way down

the year that you graduated.

That was just a joke,
because I was saying

that there was
no more date rape,

because they
figured out who it was

who was doing it,
and it was you.

Maybe you're not used to
office environments like this,

but, um, jokes
about rape or race

or incest or any
of that kind of stuff,

it's not office okay.

And so, I just don't think
this is gonna work out

right now, but call us back.

Maybe six months,
eight months down the road,

and we'll stay in touch.

♪ I want to spend my life ♪

♪ with a girl like you ♪

♪ ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ♪

♪ and do all the things ♪

♪ that you want me to ♪

♪ ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ♪

♪ till that time
has come... ♪

What can I get you?

What time is it?

It's 1:00.

These things
never start on time.

- I'll have a white Russian, please.
- All right.

I am really sorry, okay?

- I'm sorry.
- You are 10 minutes late.

- I'm eight minutes late.
- You're 10 minutes late.

- Okay, well, where's Jessa?
- Well, she's not here,

because she's never fucking
here when she needs to be.

- Sorry.
- Well, she was really upset before.

I think you should be
a little bit sensitive.

I mean, you think?
She's about to get an abortion.

It's about the most traumatic thing
that can ever happen to a woman.

I'm telling you, I don't know why
you're being so casual about this.

I was getting really, really worked
up on the train on the way here.

You don't need to worry about her, okay?
This office is beautiful.

- I'm sure they've done this a million times before.
- I was just thinking--

I have been sexually irresponsible
enough in my life thus far

that I should've gotten pregnant
by now, and I never have.

Like, I get my period
at the same time,

on the same day of every
monthly cycle my entire life.

Like, it's never
strayed from that.

Then you're really lucky.

I never know when I'm gonna get my
period, and it's always a surprise.

And that's why all my underwear
are covered in weird stains.

Seriously, I need
to become a mom, Hannah.

I was put on this planet
to be a mother.

Well, maybe Charlie has
a really low sperm count.

I'm sure Charlie has
a really low sperm count.

What if I'm barren?

- No, you're not barren.
- Hi! Hi!

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I stopped at Dylan's
and got some snacks

because I don't know
how long these things take.

When my sister had a baby,
it was like hours,

and I was like starving,
so, you know, I was just--

Shoshanna, you should sit down.

So you know Venice is sinking.

So I'm like, "We gotta get out of here.
We gotta move."

This place is going down.
It's happening faster than you think."

Nobody fucking moves.

I was like,
"Are you guys crazy?".

Hey, do you guys
have a pay phone?

Why would we have a pay phone?

Here, you can use
my cellular phone.

Oh, thank you.

- You have a bunch of texts and stuff.
- Mind your own business.

Hey, mom, it's Morgan.

Just calling to let you know

I will call you back
in a few hours

and I hope you're
feeling better.

Love you. Bye.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

What's that you're drinking?

Milk.

Jessa, it's Marnie.

It is 1:30, and your
appointment was at 1:00.

So call me, please.
Bye.

Hey, a little bird told me

that you were getting
an S.T.D. test. Fun!

Do you really think that
sounds like a lot of fun?

I mean, like,
just to get to have sex

and then have a test about it?

This thing asks you if you wear a seat
belt and if you operate machinery.

Those are important things
if you're gonna have a baby.

You need to wear a seat belt
and stop operating machinery.

She's obsessed
with getting AIDS.

She's thought she was gonna have
it since she was like 10 years old.

So that's what this is about.

I don't have an obsessive
fear of AIDS.

I have an obsessive fear of H.I.V.
that turns into AIDS.

- I'm not a fool.
- Well, you don't have H.I.V.

You just don't.
It's not that easy to contract.

It's really not that hard
to contract either, though.

- Haven't you seen "Rent"?
- Please, I've seen it 12 times.

It's basically why
I moved to New York.

So use condoms
if you're so scared.

I do use condoms.
I always use condoms.

But what about all the stuff that
gets up around the sides of condoms?

What about that stuff?

Like what?
What kind of stuff?

Okay, so when a guy finishes,
there's... the material, okay?

- Right.
- And then, that stuff

can leak out from around
the sides of condoms.

And here's how I figure it.

He will leave his penis in you

from when it's hard
to when it shrinks,

because that is what guys
are wont to do.

Are they really
wont to do that?

Yeah, like, with me-- with me
they're totally wont to do that.

Yeah, they usually do that.

And then, when they pull
out, it's fucking mayhem.

I've been diagramming it
in my head all afternoon.

And no one speaks
about this.

- Hannah Horvath.
- Okay, that is me.

Please, don't yell at Jessa too
much when she gets here, okay?

I won't. I won't.
I mean, it's just--

it's a bummer because, like,
she ruined it, but it's not--

How could she ruin the beautiful
abortion that you threw?

Hannah, that is not
what I meant.

You're a really good friend,

and you threw
a really good abortion.

- Oh, stop it.
- You did.

I'm just worried, you know?

What if she's in a gutter
or changed her mind?

She seemed really excited
about it this morning.

Whoa. This is wild.

Put your hands down my pants.

- Now?
- Yes.

Okay.

Like that?

- Is that okay?
- Don't ask me that ever again in my life.

Sorry.

Um...

You're bleeding.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Jess-star, it's Shosh.

It's-- it's like 2:15,
and I'm just calling to see

where you are and how you're
feeling and, um, if you're-- oh.

Uh, hey, you're pregnant
when you don't wanna be,

so you might wanna come
have your abortion now.

Okay, thanks.
Bye.

There is seriously nothing
flakier in this world

than not showing up
to your own abortion.

I mean, honestly, can you think of
anything less respectful than that,

other than getting pregnant
in the first place?

Seriously, she should
just fucking, you know,

return our calls or something,
or at least send us a text.

She doesn't really
know how to text.

She calls it
a "word alert."

I mean, I don't even know
why I bother anymore.

I mean, honestly, every time I put
myself out there with her--

nothing, just brick wall.

Like, she does not respect
my time, my efforts,

my friendship, my
kindness-- none of it.

I mean, would you do this?

Would you, like, get pregnant after
having sex with some weird foreigner

and then just not even
show up to the abortion?

I've never had sex.

What?

I've never had sex, okay?

A.K.A., I'm almost 22
and I'm a virgin.

Really?

- Seriously.
- Okay.

It's like everyone and their
mother has had sex except for me.

No, sex is-- sex is
really, really overrated.

What?

It is.

I mean, you've given
a blow job, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah, so--

- No.
- Really?

Yes.
I have not.

- You haven't?
- There was this one time at camp,

and it was a few strokes
up and down,

but we were in the woods and
it was kind of spooky, so...

You think I'm a loser.

I don't-- I don't think
you're a loser.

I just told you
that I'm a virgin.

- I don't--
- I don't know what to say.

I mean, I hit-- I hit
a puppy once with my car.

I only had my learner's permit.

- 24 years old?
Mm-hmm.

- 145 pounds.
- Oh, I'm 143 pounds.

The nurse weighed me
with clothes on,

so that was a rude thing to do.

Sexually active?

- Just one partner or...?
- Should I get more?

Because the one I've got
is kind of a handful.

Yeah, it's just him.

And do you use
protection? Condoms?

I always use condoms, but I've
been thinking a lot lately

about the stuff that gets up
around the sides of condoms.

What is the deal with all
of that stuff, you know?

You mean... the semen?

I mean, all of it.

I have a very bad fear of AIDS.

Have you known
someone with AIDS?

It's more of like
a "Forrest Gump"-based fear.

That's what Robin Wright
Penn's character died of.

Okay, just lie back
for me, okay?

Yeah. Just...

- Yes, legs up.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.
Oh, okay.

Perfect, thank you.

The thing is that these days if
you are diagnosed with AIDS,

you know, it's actually--
it's not a death sentence.

There's so many good drugs
and people live a long time.

Also, you know,
if you have AIDS,

there's a lot of stuff people
aren't gonna bother you about,

like, you know, for example, no one's
gonna call you on the phone and say,

"Did you get a job?",
or "Did you pay your rent?",

or "Are you taking
an HTML course?"

Because all they're
gonna say is, like,

"congratulations
on not being dead."

You know, it's also a really good
excuse to be mad at a guy.

It's not just something dumb
like, "you didn't text me."

It's like, "You gave me AIDS,

so deal with that...
forever."

Maybe I actually
am not scared of AIDS.

Maybe I thought
I was scared of AIDS,

and what I really am
is wanting AIDS.

That is an incredibly
silly thing to say.

You do not want AIDS.

Do you know that
every 35 minutes

a woman is newly
diagnosed with H.I.V.?

And a third of those women
are under the age of 30,

and many of them
will die of AIDS.

So, you're saying that
if Adam gave me AIDS,

that I'm definitely
going to die of it?

No, I'm not saying that.

Can you open up, please?

You could not pay me enough
to be 24 again.

Well, they're not
paying me at all.

- Ow.
- Is that painful?

Yeah, but only in the way
it's supposed to be.

♪ Everything is so, so clear
inside your head ♪

♪ your hobbies look so good ♪

♪ to all of your
imaginary friends ♪

♪ sidestep, two-punch ♪

♪ fight it, tra la la ♪

♪ you caught the scent ♪

♪ you need it, tra la la ♪

♪ hold your head up higher ♪

♪ I know the surface,
it can seem so far away ♪

♪ but you don't need
to hold your breath anymore ♪

♪ it's crystal,
it's oh, so clear ♪

♪ those winning speeches
look so great ♪

♪ to all of your
imaginary friends ♪

♪ sidestep, two-punch ♪

♪ fight it, tra la la ♪