Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Rule #33: When in Doubt, Run Away - full transcript

Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

I'm starting a line--
Infant Fabuleux...

- [Gasps] I love it.
- ...Fine jewelry for infants.

- Brilliant.
- Why don't you figure out

- what's making you so angry?
- That makes me angry.

Stop telling me I'm angry.

Associates
don't reschedule meetings.

It is a shame
that your kids come first.

Am I in trouble?

The rules in the school
handbook are very clear.

Parent volunteers
may not send a proxy.



The caseworker's
coming tonight.

Treat this dinner
like any other, okay?

- Oh!
- Mom!

- It's okay.
- No, it's not.

I looked like an idiot.

We had a deal--no others
until they're significant.

Maybe she is.

Did it ever occur to you

that maybe Becca
is significant to me?

- Back-burner Baby.
- What?

It's the thing
in the mommy market right now.

Cleo Stevens is
a real inspiration.

Uh, one rule,
more time for yourself.

I mean, otherwise
you're just going to have



a nervous breakdown
like Abby McCarthy.

I think that bitch
just stepped to me.

[Kim Cesarion's Undressed]
_

♪ ♪

♪ I feel hazy ♪

♪ Why is everything
black and white? ♪

Jesus, woman.
I told you I wanted to work out,

- but you're killing me!
- What?

If you want to get your steps
over 14,000, come on.

- Are you a Fitbit person?
- Hell, yeah, I am.

I have to be stepping
everything up right now.

You know, this whole
Cleo Stevens thing.

Back-burner bitch?
Screw her.

She made me the laughingstock
of the mommy lit world, so...

- No.
- That is totally true.

Right?

Yes, and now I have to present
a whole new me to my editors.

Delia's got me
on this cleanse,

and I just got
to be focused and clear

and undeniable.

I've got something that will
get your undeniable

juices flowing--

Vegas.

- Yes.
- That is not now I thought

that sentence
was going to end.

Delia and I are going
this weekend.

It's my big photo shoot
for Infant Fabuleux,

and it's the baby styles
convention, which...

- Oh. No.
- No?

No. I am persona non grata
at that thing now.

Oh, come on, you won't
even know it's happening.

It's gonna be all style,
no baby,

and you can work there
by the pool.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- And I will be working too.

And when we're not working,
we're gonna be wiggling.

We can wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
We can wiggle.

You know what?
Oh, my God.

- We can wiggle, wiggle--
- You know you want to.

I'm so sorry.
You guys wiggle.

But I actually have
a career to save, so...

- Okay.
- Invite Lyla.

She loves Vegas.

Wow. That is not how I thought
that sentence was gonna end.

Come on, pick it up, pick it up.
Let's go. Let's go.

Let's do it.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Push it.
- Oh, my God.

Push it.

[Moaning]

♪ I feel hazy ♪
[Both moaning]

♪ Why is everything
black and white? ♪

Oh!

That was a workout.
Amazing.

- [Grunts]
- Yeah.

It was great.

Yeah, that was great?

It was a little more than great.
[Chuckles]

I know, just-- it's always
so physical, you know?

Yes.
It's sex.

By definition, physical.

No, I mean...

We've never really
made love, you know?

No, I don't know.

Really?
Come on.

Hold on.

Like, when your hearts
are open,

and it's not just
two bodies connecting.

It--it's emotional.

- It's deep.
- Yeah.

You've never felt
like that before?

Sure I have.

I mean, we're still new.
We'll get there.

Well, I feel it for you.

I guess I'm just
not getting it back.

No, no, hey, come here,
come here, come here, come here.

Come here.
Hey.

Hey.

We're--we're great together.

Let's not overthink it.

It's not
about thinking, Jake.

It's about--
It's about feeling.

Look, I know you have
so much going on right now,

but you're really
emotionally blocked.

- I know.
- I have this guy.

It sounds lame, but he's really
helped me just let go

of a lot of stuff.

Your shrink?

Like a shaman.

I know.
[Laughs]

Look, I...

I need this from you.

Please.

Okay.

Fine.

So I'm thinking
that my next book will be...

Private School Confidential--

Rules of navigating

the shark-infested waters
of the poshest private schools

in the country.

You would not believe
what goes on at these places.

I'm telling you, it's--

I don't even know why somebody
hasn't done this already.

What are you looking for?

Sorry.
Salt junkie.

Yeah, it really adds taste.

I'm sure it's just me being
lame and hungover,

but how is that not just
another Girlfriends' Guide?

Uh, for one thing,
it's not about me or my family.

Uh, but it's still in my zone.
It's the parenting market.

Abby, no offense, but
readers don't want your advice

about anything
parenting related,

not anymore.

Lightbulb, what about divorce?

That's an area you could write
the crap out of.

[Chuckles]
Yeah, I could do that.

Or I could just
slit my wrists

and write about what it
feels like to bleed out.

Exactly.

It's what makes
your books so great.

I mean, you take on changes
in life,

and you're so witty
and self-deprecating.

Yes, but this is divorce.
This is painful and sad.

And no one wants to read
about it.

I don't know.
People like dark.

Cleo Stevens is pretty dark,
and it's working for her.

So we are rocking the park
when Neo says she's hungry.

I just reach
into my designer diaper bag

and pull out
some homemade organic baby food.

Yeah, right.
Who am I--Abby McCarthy?

Hell, no.
I forgot the frickin' baby food.

But I didn't forget
my delicious turkey sub.

"Momhood" does not have to be
that hard.

Watch me make baby food.

Mmm.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

ABC turkey.

- Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo, Choo.
- Ew.

Okay, first of all,
Missy trashed my book idea

and told me
I should write about divorce.

- Too soon.
- This is what I'm saying.

Then I watch another
Cleo Stevens clip.

- Please stop doing that.
- I know, I know, I know.

I'm torturing myself.

Maybe I should get out of town.
Are you going to Vegas?

- Vegas? Are you?
- You know Phoebe--

She's doing
the whole baby-style event,

which we can avoid, right?

Yeah.
So--so you guys are--

I really need to not
be alone,

and you could really use
the distraction.

And just don't let the fact
that Delia's coming bother you.

Yeah, I, um--
I wouldn't let that stop me.

Perfect.
I'm in if you're in.

[Sighs]

Wow.

- Dear lord.
- Yeah.

How high are you guys
planning on getting?

I know. Pot dispensaries
are like target for stoners.

You cannot leave without
spending less than $200.

Oh, I am going lollipop.
Slow and steady.

Pot goldfish are not
on my cleanse.

And anyway, I'm not going
to party this weekend.

I'm just gonna do
some spa time, chill by the pool

with my Kindle, mellow Vegas...
[Car horn honks]

Wait for a book idea
to bubble up.

"Mellow" and "Vegas"--
That sounds like an oxymoron.

- Fun.
- Yeah, that's my plan.

In case it's, like,
right on the end...

You know what
I'm talking about?

It's so bad, it's so good.

- Wait.
- Hello, ladies.

- Hi.
- Lyla, what are you doing here?

Well, Abby mentioned it.

Last one in the car
is a rotten friend.

Oh, my God.

You should have told me
you weren't inviting her.

I know I should have.

It's just everything has been
so difficult with her recently.

And with the photo shoot,

a fight is the last thing
I needed.

- And she hates me.
- Yeah.

She does, I'm sorry.

But look, she's going through
a hideous custody battle.

- I know.
- She's on pins and needles

about the caseworker's report.

I mean, maybe this trip
is exactly what she needs.

Or maybe this trip
is exactly what she needs.

- No.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

♪ Oh, yes, it is,
goldfish ♪

Lion's breath.
Everyone, breathe in.

And...

[All exhaling deeply]

Now, the breath can be
a bit odd,

you know, showing off
all your bad dental work.

Maybe that's just
if you're English.

And that's why
we're here, yeah?

Break through the inhibitions.
Let the truth come forward.

But are we prepared
for our journey

to self-revelation
through ayahuasca.

I totally googled it,
and there's conflicting reports

about the possibilities
of, um, you know, death.

Of course.

It's a completely natural herb,
ancient, opens your heart.

I-I'm just prone
to allergies,

so I'm just making sure.
Do you know CPR?

- Absolutely.
- Don't be worried.

Taken correctly,
it's completely safe.

- Great.
- Now, to be fully prepared,

we must fast, yeah?

I'm sorry.
What--prepared to trip?

- Prepared to trip balls?
- It's gonna be totally fine.

I promise.
I'm just-the distinction.

I'm just asking.
I'm just asking.

- Are we good?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you checked in
or checked out?

In.
I mean, look at this face.

I'm checked in.

Great. Now, okay,
before we are imbibing,

we need to cleanse the body,
cleanse the mind,

12 hours of fasting

to purify the body,

purify the spirit.

You'll be so thankful
for an empty belly

once the vomiting starts.

I'm so high.

My cheeks are--
Both: Ohm.

It's like
pins and needle dome.

- Ohm to the dome.
- Ohm.

Guys, can you just
keep it down a little bit?

I have a horrible headache.

'Cause you're reading
in the car.

You're reading in the car.
[Both laughing]

But here--you know, I think
if you annunciated "ohm,"

it could alleviate...

All: Ohm.

No.

Lyla, Lyla, loo-loo, Lyla.
Lyla, I love you.

I love your little face.

I love you too,
but the whole custody thing is--

It is driving me nuts.

Lyla, we are totally
going to distract you.

Vegas is the best.

You want a little fishy
in your mouth, Abby?

Look at the little fishy
come into your mouth?

- Abby.
- It wants to have a little home

in your mouth.
Fishy.

- Come on.
- You guys, I'm working.

But you're not working.
You're not.

You're reading
Cleo's YouTube channel.

No!
Is that what you're doing now?

- That's not working.
- See?

Oh, my God.
Why would you do that?

"Abby McCarthy is
a lying, slutty, old hag

who needs Botox."

Doesn't even make sense.

How can you be
"a slutty, old hag"?

No one would want to sleep
with you.

That's your takeaway
from that.

- Well, actually--
- Hang on one second.

That's not at all--

Guys, you know what?
Stoned--stoned--

Secondly, there's someone
for everyone.

Stoned conversations
are only funny to stoned people.

Sexuality is fluid.
She's being an ageist.

She's also being unkind
to her own gender

for not taking issue--
[Groans]

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh. Oh, my!
Oh, my!

Hello, hello, hello.

Show us the way
to the VIP sundeck,

will you, doll face?

We need a drink.

- Abby, do you want a drink?
- Oh, my God.

Oh, sorry.

No.
I just want a lemon water

with cayenne.

- Oh, my God.
- Four hibiscus margaritas

coming up.
No, no, no, no.

I really do want
a lemon water with the cayenne.

Abby, darling, I am not
gonna get you that.

You created this monster.

I didn't mean
for this weekend.

Hey, Delia, look, drinks
are coming to us.

Are those girls wearing wigs?
Yes, they are.

- Chardonnay or Pinot?
- Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

It's mommy's special medicine,
courtesy of Cleo Stevens.

She's celebrating her new book,
Back-burner Baby.

And she's doing a book signing
tomorrow morning.

- Here, take an invite.
- No, thank you.

- No, thank you.
- Absolutely not.

I'm so sorry, Abby.
It's not your fault.

I should have thought--
Of course she's here.

She's got a book
to promote.

And she's doing
the opening speech?

- After one book--
- Oh, honey, take a break.

Have a Baba.
I am not having a Baba.

I'm just gonna go up to
the room,

and I'm going to cleanse
quietly by myself.

You guys enjoy, really.
Have fun.

Have fun.

- This is weirdly satisfying.
- It's good.

- That Cleo bitch is a genius.
- Mmm.

- [Sighs]
- Mmm.

Oh, my God.
This place is insane.

After our treatments, we have
to try this arctic ice room.

- It snows.
- No way.

It's really good
for tightening your pores...

And for people
who can't chill out.

No report yet?

You know how it is.

This stuff
goes on and on and on.

- Lyla, it's gonna be fine.
- I know.

And if it isn't,
the firm will make sure it is.

- Blow me.
- Abby.

- God, this is so ridiculous.
- Oh, my God.

I'm telling you,
you have to hear this.

This is such bullshit.
Listen to this.

"Bath time--it's exhausting,

"and it conflicts with mama's
chance to get her wine on,

"so skip it.

"If you're washing your kid's
hair more than once a week,

no wonder you're too cranky
to lather up your husband."

Yes, she's filthy, but you
cannot let it get to you.

Just give me the iPad.
Just hand me the iPad right now.

Just give me the iPad.
Can you please keep it down?

- This is the quiet room.
- Sorry...

- Sorry.
- ...We're not quiet.

- And that book saved my life.
- Really?

- Oh, my God.
- Jesus Christ.

I'm so curious.
Which chapter spoke to you?

Was it perhaps
"Brush Off Brushing Teeth"?

Excuse me, ma'am.
This is the third time.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave.

I'm not leaving
because I'm not gonna let

some Cleo Stevens groupie
steal my massage.

Oh, my God.
Are you Abby McCarthy?

- Okay, we're going.
- Time to go.

- Sorry.
- I will have you know

that your hero is an advocate
for child abuse.

Relax!
Or we'll waterboard you.

You must stop taking
everything so seriously.

- I hate this cleanse.
- Abby.

- Mellow Vegas, not happening.
- It is not happening.

- No.
- I can't do it anymore.

My head feels like it has
bees in it.

No more cleanse,
no more reflection.

You need real Vegas.
The one with the good times.

Yeah. The one where
you're not ruining

everybody else's good time.
Can you do that?

I'm so sorry.

I'm done with my Cleo obsession,
I promise.

- Let's do it.
- Yes.

Ladies, let's tear it up.

[The Friggs' I Cringe]

♪ ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ ♪

All: Cheers!

Cheers, yes!

Abby, Abby, Abby, Abby.

That is tequila
and champagne.

You've been detoxing
for three days,

so your liver's like
a little virgin.

Now I am retoxing.

And I am reengaging.

I am so sorry
that I have been so gone.

Lyla, what's happening
with the custody?

No, we're not talking
about that.

Got it.
Lyla...

- We need to get you laid.
- Oh, my God, yes.

Dan doesn't count, because
that was a felonious lay.

- Felonious?
- Lyla, are you not having sex?

- Oh, please.
- Lyla...

Talk about why you two
hate each other exactly.

I don't--we don't hate
each other.

- We don't.
- Got off on the wrong foot?

Agreed.
She threatened me.

I threatened her.
Next subject.

- Phoebe.
- Yes?

Ad shoot--
Do you need any help

with the model babies
in the morning?

Yes, I do,

because I'm styling
the entire thing myself.

- Wow.
- So, yes, will you come?

I'm there.
I mean, what else am I gonna do?

Am I gonna go to Cleo Stevens'
book signing?

[Chuckles]

Merman!

My merman, can I have
another "sagebush"?

Sagebrush.
Sage--

Didn't you know
he was a merman?

Do you know that he has a tail?
It's a secret.

I think the merman
thinks that you've had enough.

You need to eat.

- Can you bring some water?
- You need to eat something.

- Oh, good idea.
- You didn't lay a bread base.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.

Mellow Vegas was so boring.

I want party Vegas.

Party Vegas!
Yeah. Cheers to that!

All: Cheers!
- Whoo!

[Groaning]

I'm ruining our trip.

I'm a party downer...

And a social-media pariah.

Ladies, this is Las Vegas.

We just need a new plan
of attack.

- We could play slots.
- Slots? No.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- Come on, baby!

Come on, come on, come on.
Let's see it, let's see it.

- And dealer gets 17.
- Oh, my goodness.

That's good!

Boom!
Five, five in a row.

Five in a row.
That is exciting.

- Yes!
- Yes!

It can't last.

Oh, free massage.
Free massage.

Bet, please.
Are you not going to bet?

No, aforementioned
career crisis.

What? don't stop.

I don't know if they'll let
you sit here if you don't bet.

I will ride along.

Whoo.
Abby is high-rolling with $100.

I know.
I can't handle it.

13?
Who gets 13?

Oh, my God.
My stomach just dropped.

I'll stay.
Dealer's got a Jack.

I'll, uh, hit, hit.

- 23.
- What?

Boom!
There goes summer camp.

Oh.

- How is this fun?
- It isn't.

You just got to be stoic.
Game face. Stoic.

I'm riding along
with you, Phoebe.

I'll go one more.

[Didgeridoo playing]

Do you feel anything?

Maybe he didn't give me enough.

I feel seasick.

Maybe this was a mistake.

[Chuckles]

Hey, why did you have
to kill Cassidy?

- [Groans]
- He loved you, Deedee.

Deedee's just a character
I play on TV.

Becca.

She doesn't exist.

She doesn't exist.

You know.

You know.

I just want to direct.

I want to direct!

- Oh!
- Come on, no!

- Come on!
- No!

Come on.

- And 21.
- No!

- I hate you.
- Come on.

UNICEF
could've just built a school

with the money we lost
at this table.

That is so crazy.

- Why would you do that?
- You okay?

Do you want to, like, go up
to the suite, maybe take a nap?

What?

Do you need to take--
Take a break,

go up to the suite, and, like,
just decompress or something?

You're voting me
off the island.

- I am not.
- Enjoy the warm towels, Abby.

- I have to go anyways, so...
- No, it's fine.

I'll go.
I'm gonna go.

Do you want somebody
to go with you?

No.

- I'm fine.
- No, I take that.

That's, like,
two mortgage payments.

Ugh.

[Slot machines ringing]

- Another win for you.
- Thank you.

Thank you.
This is--this is crazy.

Can you count or something?

Am I cheating?
Is that what you're saying?

Absolutely not.

Let's just--
Let's just keep it fun.

I would love
to have some fun,

but when you imply
that somehow...

- No, no.
- ...I'm scamming the system

and not legitimately winning.

Let's just...

You know, um...

For a while now,
there is a gentleman

who has been staring at us.
Don't look!

Please don't look.
He--he's coming over.

He's coming over.
No, no, not like that.

Delbar, is that you?

Delbar?

[Sighs deeply]

[Sighs]

Hey, there.

- Long day?
- Yeah.

Got a name?

Um, Janet Larocca.

- Hey, Janet.
- Hi.

You're a terrific-looking
lady, Janet.

My name's Glen Melnick.

I'm in town
for the eyewear convention.

Oh, yeah?

Lot of new product
to introduce.

My new glasses actually have
X-Ray vision.

I am not wearing
any glasses, Glen,

but I can see you're wearing
a wedding ring.

Yeah, well...

What happens in Vegas...

Hey, beautiful.

What's going on?
You couldn't wait for me?

I...

I was totally waiting for you.

Hey, man.

- How you doing?
- Great.

Um, nice talking
to you, Janet.

No harm, no foul.

Thanks for the rescue.

[Laughs]

Um, I was planning
on committing carbo-cide alone.

- You want this back?
- No, no.

I--please rescue me again.
Eat half of it.

- Thank you, Janet.
- It--it's Abby, actually.

And you are?

My name is Carrrl.

Did--did you just purr?

[Chuckles]
No.

- It's short for Juan-Carlos.
- JuanCarlos.

Join you for a glass
of wine?

Um...

Yes.

The clanging--
It's just so noisy.

- We can't even talk.
- Yes, we can talk.

- We can talk.
- No, I don't think that's-

[hushed argument]

Is there a problem?

- No. No, I'm good.
- Yes, there is.

Is she your friend?

- Yes.
- Well, then tell her

she should respect
her elders,

the people who sacrificed
for her.

Oh, please.
He gets his check every month.

But you don't speak to him.

She's wrong to judge.

- Her only living parent--
- That's enough.

I'm leaving.

Delbar.

[Woman screams happily]

I hate this place.

- I cannot find my room.
- Delia, what is happening?

What's going on?

- [Muttering]
- Delia!

Hey, Lyla,
this is none of your business.

- Was that your uncle?
- I don't know why you think

that I would share
anything personal with you.

You've been nothing
but spiteful to me

ever since I met you.

I was just part
of a very unusual situation.

No, you're not part
of that at all.

- It's none of your business.
- He asked-is that your uncle?

- He asked me--
- I know that you think

that I breezed through life
because I show a little leg,

but you don't know me,
you understand?

And you don't deserve to.

You know why this pizza's
so good?

- Why?
- 'Cause of the wine.

- Because of the wine.
- Yeah.

Yes.

This same pizza
with diet coke,

we would not even be talking
about this pizza.

Not at all. No, it really is
all about the wine.

- Mm-hmm.
- And suddenly

it tastes like you're eating
real Italian pizza.

- In Italy.
- Exactly.

[Chuckles]

- When were you in Italy?
- Never.

Just trying to impress you.

[Laughs]

This is the first--
You are the first good thing

that has happened to me
this weekend.

[Chuckles]

Um, do you want to get
out of here?

- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- [Laughs]

- Absolutely.
- Yeah?

But first we should
probably talk about rates.

I'm sorry.
What?

Not that I wouldn't do it
for free,

but got to make a living.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You're a gigolo?

Well, I prefer "companion,"
but, yeah.

I'm sorry. Everyone
knows that this is the

place where women go
to look for company.

I am so embarrassed.

Is that why you took down
lenscrafters over here--

- Because he was on your turf?
- No, no, no, no.

You just looked
really uncomfortable.

- I was really uncomfortable.
- Yeah.

And I was hungry.

So, uh, if you're interested,

I won't charge you
for the bar time.

The clock will just
start now.

Um, I don't--

I'm sorry.
I don't mean to be insulting,

but it just seems a little
desperate to pay for it.

You know, Abby, you--
You seem fantastic.

- Thank you.
- And you're gorgeous.

Thank you.
[Chuckles]

But if this isn't a date,
then...

Oh, uh, right.
You are working.

- This is your job.
- It is.

I mean,
does any woman ever...

Pay you just to talk?

- Yeah, all the time.
- Do I get a discount for that?

Okay, no, that's fine.

Kidding.

But if I did,
I could ask you anything?

Well, no specifics
about other clients.

Of course, right.
Got it.

And, um...

I'm a writer, so...

Let's say I was to write
about our encounter.

[Inhales deeply] As long
as you don't use my name.

- Is Carl your real name?
- No.

No, but don't use Carl.

I don't want my agency to know
that I was freelancing tonight.

Oh, my God.

- You have an agent?
- I do.

I have an agent.

It's--it's
an escort service, actually.

- Uh-huh.
- But they take 20%,

and with the baby-style
convention in town,

talk about
an underserved community.

Right.

I get to pick myself.

So, bas--you can--
You can actually eyeball a woman

from across the room
and decide whether you want to,

um, "date" her.

Exactly.

Which means you did
actually pick me.

I did.
Absolutely.

Does that make you
feel better?

- It does, actually.
- Yeah.

[Both laughing]

Good.

[Chuckles]

Let's do it.

[Exhales deeply]

I can't feel my heart.

How will I love
if I can't feel my heart?

Um, Derek, can you help her?
She can't find her heart.

Where did you
lose your heart, Becca?

I don't know.

- No, it's not helping.
- I don't know.

- Hmm?
- You're a charlatan.

You're not real.

You're not English.
That's a fake accent.

I see it, the words.

[Chuckles]

Am I not real, Jake?

No.

There's something fraudulent
in your life.

Are you ready to face it?

In mine?

- Everything.
- Oh.

I'm acting...

Like I'm okay...

Like I know.

I don't know.

[Crying]

Ugh.

Jesus, I need to go home.

Yeah.

- You go with that.
- Yeah?

It's okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
that feels so good.

Oh, my God.

[Chuckles]

Trick of the trade.

- [Chuckles]
- So you were saying?

I have no idea
what I'm saying.

What am I saying?

- Something about a slump.
- Oh, my self-esteem slump?

- Yeah.
- [Laughs]

It's just that
that Cleo author,

she has--she has gone
so out of her way

to malign me,
and we're in the same market,

and I have just been talking
about this for so long.

I'm boring myself.

Still, it is really weird
how much energy

she's putting
into trying to hurt me.

Oh, I just think
she's scared.

- Who--Cleo?
- Yeah.

You told the truth,
and now you're braving

- the consequences.
- I wouldn't call it brave.

[Chuckles]

I don't think she's scared.

I've essentially made more room
on the shelf for her book.

Back-burner Baby?
Come on.

She's full of shit.

[Laughs]

That's an act.

- Like Carrrl?
- [Chuckles]

Hey, people dig
what I'm selling.

- Yeah.
- We both know it's not real.

I know. I-I care too much
about what people think of me.

I always have.

Oh, I get that.

You know, I used to care
what people thought

about what I did
for a living--

You know, the very few people
that I told.

My sister thinks
I'm going to hell.

Seriously, and we're close.

Wow, that's--
That's rough.

Yeah, it is what it is.

You know, one day I had
this, uh--this breakthrough.

And I started thinking
about all the people

- that I think are awesome.
- Like who?

Oh, uh, Axl Rose,
uh, Gandhi.

- Mm.
- George W.

- What?
- What?

- W? As in Bush?
- Yeah. Absolutely.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And I thought
nobody truly interesting

is universally liked, right?

So I don't know.

I thought, "I don't ever
want to live an ordinary life.

"I never have.

People don't approve?
Eh, screw 'em."

Nobody truly interesting...

Both: ...Is universally liked.
- Yeah.

Wow.

You just threw down
some serious wisdom there, Carl.

Yeah, well, I hang with a lot
of smart women.

Hmm.

You're like a wise,
magical hooker.

[Chuckles]

Well, that's role-playing.

That'll cost you extra.
[Chuckles]

Hmm.

I am so glad
you're a republican.

I would have spent
a lot more money on you,

but the whole W thing
really cured me.

[Both laughing]

[Cream's Strange Brew]

♪ ♪

Hey, uh, have you seen
Jake anywhere?

Why, is he missing?

Well, his car's
still here,

but I can't find him
anywhere.

♪ Strange brew ♪

♪ Kill what's inside of you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ She's a witch of trouble ♪
[Horn honking]

♪ In electric blue ♪

♪ In her own mad mind,
she's in love with you ♪

♪ With you ♪

♪ Now what you gonna do? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Strange brew ♪

♪ Kill what's inside of you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Strange brew ♪

♪ Strange brew ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Strange brew ♪

♪ Kill what's inside of you ♪

- We need to get moving.
- Yeah.

- Yes, we are gonna get moving.
- Let's shoot some babies.

- Yeah.
- Pow, pow, pow.

Pow, pow.

[Babies crying]

Hi, babies.

Yes.
Hey, hey.

- Look.
- I can't work like this.

Right, these are not
professional babies.

Yes, they are. Look.
Come on, babies, razzle--

[gasps]
Look at that.

- Razzle dazzle, that's right.
- Why's that one so red?

Poo-face.

[Babies crying]
Awesome.

New baby.

I don't have any other babies.
I have three babies.

- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.

Phoebe, if you want a shot
of three babies happy together,

you need to call in
12 babies.

Well, no three babies
are ever happy at the same time.

I didn't know that.

Oh, somebody needs
a diaper change, pronto.

Can you just
change it, Lyla?

- I don't know where the--
- Just figure it out, Lyla.

There's diapers over there.

I just need one good shot.
That's it.

- Here.
- What?

No.
You take him.

I am so sick of you
and the way you talk to me.

You know what, Lyla?

Can you not do "this is all
about me" thing right now?

- That's the last thing I need.
- Okay. Good luck.

[Baby coughing]

Lulu, are you okay?

Oh, my God, Lulu's choking.
She's choking.

Oh, my God.
Um, um, will you hold?

Oh, I think he--
He ate the bracelet.

He ate the bracelet.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, he's breathing and crying.

And breathing and crying,
that's a good thing, right?

That means he's breathing.
That's great, right?

What the hell
is wrong with you?

It's just gonna come out
the other end.

And when it does,
you can keep it!

You know, honestly,
I feel weird taking your money.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Why?
'Cause we didn't cross the line?

And I was exhausted
and fell asleep.

But I really
enjoyed the time.

- Well, no backsies.
- All right.

You're gonna have
to owe me one.

Deal.
[Camera shutter clicks]

Abby McCarthy,
didn't expect to see you here.

Who's your charming friend?

Patty Wells, journalist,
this is my friend, Carl.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Patty

um, I just want to say
thank you for the loan.

You really rescued me
last night.

Let's just say,
off the record,

that the roulette wheel
is not my friend.

Well, I hope you learned
your lesson.

Yeah, I did.
It was very expensive.

- It wasn't that expensive.
- [Laughing]

See you, I hope.

Bye.

Abby, who was that?

Looked too handsome
to be a hit man.

For Cleo?
After the awful things

- she said about you?
- Uh--

Come on, Abby,
nobody's heard from you.

- You must have a response.
- I better not.

Come on, that bitch
stepped to you.

Yeah, she really did, right?

But I...

- I think she's great.
- Uhhuh.

I call bull.
She called you irrelevant.

Yep.

And the truth is,
I found it validating...

Because no one truly interesting
is universally liked.

And as you know,
my life has become

a lot more interesting lately.

Okay, I get it.
That's great.

What are you working on now?

My editor would like
to keep it under wraps.

But I will say it is
a new book,

maybe even a new series.

And let's just say
that people are going to be

very surprised
at the new Abby McCarthy.

When you're ready,
we'll do a nice item on you.

Fantastic.

I better get in there
and listen to that whack job

brag about neglecting
her children.

Ha!

Can't wait till
her five minutes are up.

Bye, Patty.
Have a good one.

Hey.

Hey, guys.

Phoebe, how was
your photo shoot?

It was a perfect
shitstorm.

I really could have used
more hands.

I'm so sorry.

I-I totally intended on coming,

but then my--my night
took the craziest turn.

[Phone beeping]
I met a guy who gave me

the most amazing insight.

And work-wise, I feel like
I have an idea.

It's really bold and more me,
and I-I just don't--

What is happening here?

- Lyla, what is going on?
- The caseworker's report-

They recommend 70/30 custody
in Dan's favor.

- Oh, no.
- What?

My sons feel much more
emotionally connected to him.

And I'm never home.
Oh, my God, Lyla.

Oh, are you
sympathetic now?

Yes, of course
I'm sympathetic.

What you did to me
was not helpful at all.

You made me miss story time
at my son's school.

Oh, my God, Lyla,

please do not blame me
for your custody battle.

We didn't know
it was this bad.

I-I have to go home.

I have to go home.

I should've--
I should've been home.

But I'm gonna fly,
'cause I can't--

No, come on.
Come on.

I don't want to ride back
with you guys.

Lyla, you can't just leave
without us.

[Door opens, closes]

[Macy Gray's Stoned]

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ That I don't know ♪

♪ So everything is ♪

♪ Going my way ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And when you fly by,
pick me up ♪

♪ I've got the giggles ♪

♪ And, baby,
I'm loads of fun ♪

♪ So, when you fly by,
pick me up ♪

♪ I'm stoned ♪

[Sighs]

♪ ♪

♪ Stoned ♪

♪ Stoned ♪

♪ Stoned ♪

Jake,
what are you doing here?

Hey.

Shh.

- You remember baby gourd?
- Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Uh, I'm tripping.

Yeah, I can see that.

Yeah?

I really needed to be here.
I needed to be home.

Abby, I don't want
to live with you.

But I do want to die with you.

I get that.

[Chuckles, sniffles]

- Okay, do you want to lay down?
- Yeah.

Okay, let's go do that.
Just come over here.

Are you loaded?

I'm--a little bit, yeah.

All right.
[Inhales deeply]

[Exhales deeply]

- There you go.
- [Sighs]

- All right.
- Oh, yes.

Love this couch.

Here, sit here.

- Just get some rest.
- Sit down. Sit--come here.

[Sighs]
That's your...

- Wedding tuxedo.
- Yeah.

Abby...

Why did we have to split

for me to see
how goddamn beautiful you are?

You are so beautiful.

Mama, what time is it?

It's late.

I love you.

I love you too.

Thank you.

- What's going on?
- Hi.

What's up?

How are you?

Everything's okay.

It's okay.

I just thought that maybe...

We could just pack some things
and go on a trip.

It's gonna be an adventure.

Okay?