Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - Rule #21: Leave Childishness to the Children - full transcript

Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

I am gonna give you
the younger man experience.

How do I get a hold of you?

Let's just let it happen.

What?
What does that even mean?

Abby saw you
kissing the Euro hubby

at school the other day.

I'm actually trying
to help save Vika's marriage.

What are the therapeutic
qualities of your vagina?

I think we should come out
to the world.

Can't it just be our fantasy
for a little bit longer?



Yeah, that's fine.

You have no idea
what's happening with Vika.

You have no idea
what's going on with me.

At least I'm not home-wrecking.

How about your home, Lyla?
How about you?

Dan is possibly going
to take my children away.

I'm sorry.

You've lost your street cred
in the mommy wars.

I'm sorry, but we think

the Girlfriends' Guide franchise
is dead.

Dead?

_

Lily!

If you are not downstairs
in two minutes,



we are driving away without you.

I'm coming. God.

[Phone ringing]

Missy.

- Back Burner Baby.
- What?

It's the thing
in the mommy market right now,

blazing up the charts.

Okay.
Hey, can I call you back?

Cleo Stevens
is a real inspiration.

Take a look to see what's
selling for your next thing.

Great. I got to go.

Okay, okay, I got it. Bye.

Hey, what now?

- Gym bag.
- Seriously?

Every morning, you forget.

I'm leaving.

- ♪ Hello, what's going on... ♪
- You're gonna need...[Bleep].

You need at least a 50 SPF.

Why can't you just go?

Because I am not the one
who forgot her sunscreen.

- Mom, we're gonna be late.
- Okay, fine.

I need money.

You're gonna
have to use my credit card.

- What if they ask me for I.D.?
- Come on!

I'll do it myself.

♪ Promise the best
is yet to come ♪

You know anything over SPF 30
is overkill.

Hi.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ So I can prove
that I'm the one ♪

Will, wow.
Hi.

What are you doing here?

You know, just dispensing
free sunscreen advice.

And an emergency milk stop.

Yes, growing boy,
building bones.

Totally dumb.

All right.

No, my apartment's just
around the corner from here.

But wait.
You would remember that.

- Yeah, right.
- Right.

Was this kind of
what you had in mind

when you said
just let it happen?

'Cause you know I'm gonna ask
for your number again.

[Cell phone chimes]

Um, sorry,
kids are waiting in the car.

I got to go.
Okay, I tell you what.

You give me a call.
I'll give it to you.

323-555-0127.

- 01-what?
- 27.

27, yes.

One year younger than you are.

You know,
this whole age thing,

it doesn't matter to me.

- It's just--
- Totally kidding. [Laughs]

Um...
[Phone rings]

Ugh!
My daughter.

Ugh.
Um...

It was great seeing you.

You too.

Call me, Abby McCarthy.

♪ The best is yet to come ♪

Oh, sorry.

♪ Oh, please tell me
the truth ♪

♪ When will the two of us
be one? ♪

It's a nightmare.

My mom wants to be here
the whole week

'cause it's Spencer's birthday,

and Eric is still
getting bullied at school.

Oh, the bullying?

Yes, he's gonna
keep getting bullied

if he uses that rolly bag
to put his books and stuff in.

It's actually luggage.
It's a rolling house.

Yeah, it makes him a target.

He brings it
from class to class.

And to make matters worse,

the case worker's
coming tonight.

- That's tonight?
- Yes.

Ugh!

So we have
some court-appointed minion

who's overworked and underpaid
who's gonna come to my home,

watch me interact with my kids
to see if I'm fit.

And all the while, my mom
gets to be a witness to it.

Ugh!

[Sighs]

Maybe it's a good thing.

Are you talking to me?

I thought
you weren't talking to me.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry.

I feel so awful
about the other night.

I know you're under a lot
of stress.

I shouldn't have gone off
on you.

I am so sorry.

- I love you.
- I love you too.

I mean, I have to be honest;
I'm not sorry,

'cause I feel
you were in the wrong.

- But I love you.
- Okay.

- Oh!
- Okay.

- Whoo!
- Now, about Will.

That's really
what I want to know.

I--I'm not gonna call.

I am literally old enough
to be his mother.

Why not? That is fate.

- It's not appropriate.
- No, that's just cultural bias.

If the genders were reversed,
you'd be parading him around.

Yes, like Jake does
with Becca, which,

in my opinion, seems sad
and desperate and mid-lifey.

[Cell phone chimes]

Ugh!
_

Please don't tell me
it's sad-in-the-sack Nate.

No, it's Melissa
sending me more stuff

on that new author,
Cleo Stevens,

'cause she wants me to study up
on her marketing savvy.

That's annoying.
That's very annoying.

And the book is ridiculous.

It basically advocates
child neglect

so the parents can drink
and have more sex.

Well, on that,
she and I agree a little bit.

You would say that, 'cause
you're screwing a married man.

I'm totally kidding.
I don't give a shit at all.

It doesn't bother me.

- And his wife.
- Uh, what?

- At the same time.
- Come again?

And again and again

and again.

It's insane.

We are together.

Me and Vika and Merete
are together.

I was gonna tell you before,
but it's complicated.

When you say "together,"
what does that--

We are in a relationship.

It's not just about the sex part
of it.

I mean, we go out, and we talk.

But the heavy stuff,

the--the conflict,
the possessiveness,

the--the drama--

You mean like
when you're in a relationship?

Yes, the part
of the relationship that sucks?

I don't have to deal with it,

because they have each other
for that.

I'm with them,
but I'm not obligated to them.

- Do you know what I'm saying?
- I do not.

You're processing.
I totally understand that.

Merete actually has a piece
at an art opening tonight.

She's really talented,
and maybe you can drop by.

It sounds super awkward.

- No.
- [Laughs]

[Cell phone buzzes]
Ooh, what the-aw, no.

My mom is here.

- Oh.
- And she wants to meet you.

She's a nightmare. There she is.

- Sweetie.
- Hello. Hello.

Oh, you look so pretty.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, this is Abby.

This is my mother, Annie.

I just had to come by.

Lyla says such great things
about you.

And Phoebe, even more stunning
than I imagined.

I'm just gonna go freshen up,

and I'll be right back.

Bathroom's over there.
Do you want anything?

N-no, I'm not gonna be
staying long.

Do you see?

She's a nightmare.

I mean,
exhibit "A," right?

It's a nightmare.

[Knocking at door]
Hi.

Hey, I've been looking
for you. You have a sec?

Yeah, come on in.

Closing the door.

Am I in trouble?

You know I think the world
of you.

Oh, yes, I'm in trouble.

It's just, we got another
grievance complaint against you.

Delia? Come on.

You know I can't say.

But no, it wasn't her.

Lyla, come on,
you've been through, what,

six assistants
in the last four months?

It's not my fault

that the Ivies are allowing
idiots to matriculate.

Could you listen to me,
please, for a second?

Yes, yes, yes.

Lyla at 70% enraged
is a great attorney

and an asset to this firm,
but you are way beyond that,

and it's not good for anybody.

Admittedly, I've been
going through a lot, but I--

Yes, I know that.
I know that.

And to that end,
some of the partners are talking

about you taking a leave
of absence to decompress.

- Am I being fired?
- No.

God, no.
Just--you need some perspective.

You mean the world to me,

but you're making enemies
left and right,

and it's not good,

not for you
and not for the firm.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, fine.
How about this?

I will take
the walnut bookshelves

if you will hold
onto the leather chair

we got at the Rose Bowl.

No way.
I never wanted that awful thing.

It smells.

It's comfortable,
and it has vintage charm.

You love it, then.
It's yours.

Sold to blue.

Wow.

Aha, here she is.

Why are there post-its
everywhere?

Your dad came early so we
can start sorting through stuff

so he can have some real
furniture at his place.

Class up the Paradiso.

Hi.

What are the colors for?

Charlie?

We went gender normative.

The pink is for the things
that I'm keeping,

and the blue is for things
that Dad's taking,

and the yellow are for things
that we can't decide on.

Oh, Dad's taking
the smelly chair?

- Maybe.
- Yes.

No, but it belongs here.
He can't do that.

She has a point.

But when it's at my place,

you'll still be able to see it
and sit on it and smell it.

It's not funny.
It's supposed to be here.

God, this is so stupid.

Lily--

I guess I'm blue this weekend.

No, Lily.

She's been really testing
the boundaries lately.

- Okay.
- I'm serious.

And you have to come down hard
when she starts.

Message received.

And if anything happens

or if you need me,
just call me.

Abby, enough.

When I have the kids,
you're off the clock,

so just go enjoy yourself, okay?

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, buddy.

Come on.

Ready?

It looks weird in here.

Yeah.

Go on.

Relax. I got it.

- Come on, Dad.
- Hey.

"Relax."

_

[Traditional
Japanese music playing]

♪ ♪

[Whispering, laughing]

Hi.

Oh, Lyla, perfect timing.

[Speaking Japanese]
Mommy.

Oh, yes.
Hi, hello.

Look at you.
Look at you.

I thought we were
gonna keep things simple.

It's simple.

It's little--couple
of lanterns, hand-rolled Sushi.

This is serious.

The case worker's gonna
be here any minute.

I made your favorite,
rock shrimp tempura.

It's so good, mama.
Try it.

Okay. Can you just
take the costume off?

It's an authentic kimono.

I really need you all
to take the costumes off.

And what's going on
over here?

Oh, yeah,
I saw all these school papers

just lying around,

so I thought that
I would help you get organized.

You're taking cookies to school
tomorrow for the bake sale,

so I made my oatmeal
chocolate chip, okay?

No, it's not really okay.

I knew that.
I was gonna make cookies.

I wanted to make cookies.

Oh, she's here.

Take 'em off,
and then when you come back,

we're gonna have a normal family
dinner just like always,

except we're not gonna watch TV.

We're gonna talk
to each other and have a--

A really enjoyable time.

Hi. I'm Lyla.

Donna.

Donna, this is my mother,
Annie.

Annie, this is Donna.

Ah.

[Speaking Japanese]

Hey, did you finish
your homework?

- Yeah.
- Really?

All 2,000 words on how
Lord Of The Flies was inspired

by William Goldman's experiences
in World War II?

William Golding.

That's what I said.

Plus I did some extra credit
in French.

Mm.
[Speaking French].

- Oh, okay.
- I have to go call Jade.

She's totally freaking out
'cause her mom

won't let her wear mascara
to school.

It's so retarded.

[Sports game playing
on TV]

What do kids have
for dessert?

Ice cream?

You know that one.
I like that one a lot.

So is everybody okay?

Lyla,
you really outdid yourself.

This looks--
It looks so delicious.

I hope you didn't go
out of your way.

No, we like to do this kind
of thing a lot, right?

You know, a Sushi fest.

[Sighs]
Um...

I know it's jarring having
a case worker in your home,

but just try to relax

and treat this dinner
like any other, okay?

Of course.

Okay, so what can I get you?

I'm celiac.

Is there gluten in the rice?

Yes, yes,
there's gluten in rice.

That must be very hard for you.

Okay.
[Sighs]

Um...

Oh, this is good.

Toot-toot.

Oh, my God,
do you look fabulous.

- Thank you.
- I love this dress. Gorgeous.

Thank you. I--I'm going
to a club later.

- I'm hanging out.
- Oh.

Did--did Phoebe
invite you to her big debut?

Are you kidding me?
I invited myself.

This I had to see.

Yeah.

Just no divorce lawyer
talk tonight, okay?

I'm taking the night off.

Oh, of course.

Oh, you haven't
gotten back to me

about the forensic accounting.

Oh, I--sorry,
I just keep forgetting.

No, you're not forgetting.
You're resisting.

- You're talking about it.
- Sorry.

- Fine. Punching out.
- Thank you.

Speaking of,
where is Miss Lyla?

She is busy tonight.

Her mom is here, and--

- Oh.
- Hi.

- Ladies, hi.
- Hi.

Delia, I don't think
you've met Vika and Merete.

- You know Abby.
- Hi, nice to see you.

- Delia, Merete.
- Hi, Delia.

I feel like I know you
so much better.

We're so glad
that you came tonight.

We were worried that not
everyone would be so accepting.

Yes, coming out can be hard.

Yes.

- Yeah, well--
- I think it's great.

Yeah. Congratulations.

Whatever floats your boat.

We just feel very lucky to
have met such an amazing woman.

- Thank you.
- She is amazing.

So we'll have one more drink
here,

then take you
on a little adventure.

Oh, my God, I love adventures.

- You know me so well already.
- Okay.

We'll be back.

Okay.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

That cannot possibly work.

It beyond works.

I mean, isn't it too much?

That's, like,
double the emotional needs.

Yeah, but they take care
of my needs,

and then they take care
of each other's needs,

so I'm totally supported.

- It's amazing.
- Wait, wait.

What about the sex?

One train, two tunnels

sounds like a serious
supply-and-demand issue.

- Yes, yes.
- Very good question.

It's not all about P.I.V.

Penis in vagina.

With three people,

there are exponentially
more ways to get off,

like T.I.V.

- Okay.
- There's V.O.V.

All right.

And then, of course,
my favorite, P.I.B.

Just don't knock it
till you've tried it, okay?

Bye.

- V.O.V.
- it's TMI.

I agree.

[Both laugh]

I think you need
some soy sauce.

- Oh!
- Mom!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

California water tables
have dropped to record lows.

I know.
He's very socially conscious.

We're really proud of him,
but--

It's okay.
Aaron, take a breath.

And just think about
the hydrological cycle.

- No, no.
- No, Grammy.

The hydrocycle,
the evaporation

of 200 extra gallons of water.

[Sighs]

Would you like some sake?

Gluten.

Stella! Would you quit
that howling down there?

- Dad?
- Mm, it's okay.

It's just--it's Mr. Rosenberg's
acting class again.

Kowalski, quiet!

Sorry, buddy.

It sounded like someone
was getting murdered.

Yeah, Tennessee Williams,
I believe.

I never felt the way I do.

Rosenberg, seriously!

Lily.

[Knocking at door]

Lily.

Lils?
[Snoring]

Are you asleep already?

[Snoring]

Oh, shit.

Okay, well,
if you do hear anything, you--

Right.

No, actually,
that's my wife's cell.

If you could call this number--

Okay, thank you.

Bye.

You get anything?

Not yet. I'm--

I checked Facebook and Twitter,

and I'm on Instagram now, but--

And that's all the parents
of the kids she's friends with

and nothing, so...

You got to call Abby.

I don't know.
I don't want to freak her out.

I mean, you know what she's
like.

Come on.
Let's just keep going.

Jake, call her.

I will call her after I call
all the parents of the kids

Lily's not friends with.

Hi, Vicki?

Yeah, hi, this is Jake Novak.

I'm Lily's dad.

[Techno music blaring]

♪ You know how
to do it right ♪

♪ Sometimes I think
you see right through me ♪

♪ You know
what's on my mind ♪

- Little less crazy down here.
- Yeah.

What are you drinking?

Like, a vodka tonic, or--

Oh, sorry.

Can I get a beer
and vodka tonic?

So this is just the opening act.

The band is amazing.
Okay.

Back in my day,
we called that a DJ.

Oh, you mean the guy
in the little booth--

Both: Off to the side.
- Yeah.

Now, I, like--

People packed auditoriums
to watch guys play vinyl.

Yes. Those crazy kids.

Thank you.

I hope--do you want
to just get out of here

and go to a restaurant
where we can talk?

I thought this might be fun
for you,

a little something different,

and I'm telling you,
the band is--

The band's amazing.

Let's just stay for a few songs.

I want to, you know, be all able
to say that I saw the--

Oh.

Both: Zigzags.

At the Echoplex.

Silver Lake.

All right.

Just for the record, you should
never say it like that again.

[Laughs]

Okay,
it wasn't totally a coincidence,

us running into each other.

What do you mean?

Well, you may have mentioned
that that was your mini mart,

so I made it my mini mart.

Wow, that's scintillating
conversation on my part.

You did, really?

How else
was it just gonna happen?

I wanted to see you, Abby.

That's sweet.

Oh, shit.

Maybe she didn't.

- Nope, she definitely did.
- She who?

Do you know what?
Just someone I used to date.

Okay.

I think we lost her.

What's with all the cloak
and dagger?

Are you embarrassed
to be here with me?

No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, it's--

Will!

Hey, Rachel.

So here you are.

So how many times
do I have to call you, huh?

You can't act
like I don't exist.

No, no, I know you exist.
Trust me, okay?

- There's nothing left to say.
- And you.

- You're the slut he's hung up on.
- Hey.

- Um, I don't think so.
- Rachel, come on.

You know, he was with someone,
you slut!

Get her out!
Get her out of here!

You stepping to me, bitch?
Huh?

You threw your drink on me.

You want to fight me,
you slut?

- Enough with the "slut."
- Slut!

That's a terrible word.

All: Hey!

- And you must be Phoebe.
- I am.

We've heard so much about you.

You have?

- We've been bragging.
- Oh.

Come on in.
Don't be scared.

It's just fun and games.

Okay.

- Looks good to me.
- Yeah?

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's go.

- What the hell, huh?
- Uh-huh.

[Music blaring]

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

That was awesome.

I was almost in a bar fight.
Me.

Was I "stepping to her"?
What is that?

- You know, just getting aggro.
- Aggro!

Yeah.

Oh, I am, like--I'm shaking.

I'm so pumped.

I feel like I could wrestle
a bear or a shark

or I don't even know.

Oh.

Whoo!

I like you. You know that?

Even though you smell like beer.

I do.

Listen, Rachel
is why I was embarrassed.

I went out with her
for a couple of weeks,

and then all of a sudden,
I realized she's just--

- She's crazy.
- Totally.

You don't even know.
I'm a little crazy.

A little crazy's perfect.

Heineken.

[Laughter]

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What the hell
are you doing here?

- What are you doing here?
- I asked you a question.

Does your father know
you're here?

No, why?
Does he know you are?

Don't you start with me.

- How did you even get in?
- It's all right.

Miss McCarthy, my dad
manages the band, so...

I don't know who you are.

I'm Kyle, Lily's boyfriend.

- Not right now.
- What?

Kyle, can you please just
give us a minute?

Well, yeah.

Wait, who's he?

This is my friend Will.

Will, this is my daughter, Lily.

You guys are on a date?

That's sick.
He's, like, my age.

Trust me, no one in this club
is your age, Lily.

- Look who's talking.
- We're done.

We're leaving now.

Bye.

People think
our lifestyle's unrealistic,

but don't you think
monogamy's unrealistic?

Yes.

I mean, this idea

that just one person
can meet your needs.

It's so old-school.

- It's game time, honey.
- Oh, awesome.

I'm ready.

Me too.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What are you doing?

Uh, jumping the gun.

I'm sorry.
I don't--I don't know the rules.

Vika,
we have another situation.

Phoebe, I think
you may have misunderstood.

Kathy's in a committed
polyamorous relationship,

just like us.

We're poly,

although I guess the new PC term
is ethical nonmonogamy.

We all are.

Um...

I was getting
more of the orgy vibe.

[Laughs]

No. Can--would you excuse us
for a second?

I'm so sorry.

Okay, when you guys said

you wanted to take it
to the next level--

We meant we wanted you
to meet our community.

Community?

What did you think we meant?

Not Costco cheese platters
and cards against humanity.

Phoebe, us bringing you here
tonight was a big step for us.

We've been looking so long
for our third,

but every time
it doesn't work out.

And then you,
you're the first person

that we've ever been with

that we've both felt
the same way about.

Oh, wow. Okay.

And we wanted
to give you something

as a gesture of our commitment.

Open it.

It's a symbol of polyamory,
a heart with an infinity loop.

I am flattered.

Don't you think
we're moving a little fast?

Oh, Phoebe, when you know,
you know.

We're in love with you.

We want you to think
about moving in with us

so we can share parenting,
households, everything.

Everything.

Wow.

Sorry.

God, what are you wearing?
Get in there right now.

I can't believe you.

- Why didn't you call me?
- It's my night.

No, not if you lose her,
it's not.

I didn't lose her.
She played me.

You still need to tell me.

If this had happened
on my watch,

you wouldn't want me
to call you?

I figured she was out with
friends, which she was, right?

- That is beside the point.
- I called everybody.

I did everything
you would have done.

So if you had found her
before I knew,

would you not have told me?

- No?
- It's not a contest, Jake.

Well, then why are you acting
all the time

like it's who can be
the better parent?

Really? Well, if that's
the case, then you fail.

Oh, wow, Abby.

Can't you just say,
"I'm sorry;

I should have called?"

How'd you find her?

I saw her at the Echoplex.

What were doing
at the Echoplex?

I was there to see
the Zigzags.

They're an ama--
You know what?

It's none of your business.

Was she drinking?

No, she was making out
with an older guy.

With this guy?

- This guy's too old for--
- No. No.

I could kick this guy's ass
right now.

No, that is my friend Will.

- Oh, that's your friend Will.
- Yes.

Oh.

Wow, he's just a widdle boy.

He's 28.

Okay, wow.

Oh, please don't look
so shocked

that someone his age
would be into me.

It's that like a screw you
'cause of Becca?

- No.
- Is that what we're doing now?

Of course not.

Like, you're gonna go 19 next
or whatever you--oh, boy.

Guys, everyone's had
a rough night.

Yes, we have.
We don't need your help.

Thank you.

- It's okay, Will.
- Maybe we should just go.

Sorry. Sorry.

Charlie woke up,
and he was upset

'cause I was the only one there.

I got it.
I got it.

Okay, I said I'll take care
of it, Abby.

I just want to see him.

Abby, I said we got it.

"We."
"We."

Who, you and Becca,
the parenting expert?

Oh, no, no, you're the expert.

You're the relationship expert.
You're the expert on everything.

Just go home!

Enjoy your revenge sex, okay?

Take him home.
It's a school night.

This whole time,
you've been up my ass

about how old Becca is,
and then you show up with that.

Come on, man. Seriously?

- Sorry.
- You know what?

Seriously, don't!

- Grow up, Jake.
- You grow up.

Oh, shut up. Shut up.

What's wrong with you?

You're both acting like--

How come I'm the only one
acting my age?

You make me sick.

Lyla, is everything okay?

Yup. Just making some cookies.

I think you may have forgotten
the baking soda, honey.

Of course
I forgot the baking soda.

Please put that down.

No. No. Put it down. Stop.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- I just want to help.

I don't want your help.

I asked you for one thing today:
Keep it simple.

And on some childish whim, you
decide to have a theme night.

I think it made her feel
very comfortable.

It doesn't make anyone
feel comfortable.

It made me feel--

- Well--
- I looked like an idiot.

We all did.

Just--just go to bed.
Do something.

Just--just get out.

Then I'll go. I'll--I'll--

I'll be on the first flight
back to Seattle tomorrow.

I'm so sorry.

- Oh!
- Stop. Come on.

I can't help it.

It's like--like I have
apology Tourette's.

Look, there's no way
that you could have known

what an absolute shit show
tonight would be.

[Both laugh]

Do you remember when the
girl fight was the big story?

Oh, yeah.

Will.

Yeah, I know.

You don't have to say it.

I wish I was
in the right place for you.

You're just too mature for me.
[Laughs]

I kind of mean it.

I--I have so much work to do
on me, on everything.

Okay.

You know, despite all the drama,

you're still the sanest woman
I know.

Obviously.
[Laughs]

Okay.

Okay, um, we should--

I just--I want to be with
someone that knows who they are,

not a human time bomb.

[Laughs]

Me too.

I just need, like, a year.

- Maybe five.
- No.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You know, when you do grow up,

you should call me.

Okay.

Just put the bag down.

Mom, please.

- I'm sorry.
- Mom.

I'm sorry.

I'm overwhelmed right now.

I feel like I'm losing
everything.

And your attitude and optimism
about it,

I can't get behind it.

I don't believe in that stuff.

I'm not like you.

I know.

You're like your father.

Thanks?

No, no, your dad
is an amazing man.

Why do you think I stayed
married to him all these years?

Because he was never home.

That's not fair.

It's exactly fair.

Listen to me.

You're so loving and perfect.

I'm not perfect.
I'm hardly perfect.

Please, come on.

The skin, the hair.

I mean, just because I don't

go on about my feelings
all the time.

I don't want to know about
your feelings all the time.

I want to know who you are.

Yell, or stand by a conviction.

Just--

When's the last time you cried?

Three months ago,
when my father died.

Grandpa's dead?

Yes, he is.

I'm--prostate cancer.

Oh, my God, nobody told me.
Nobody called me.

You were going through
so much with your divorce,

I just--I wanted
to wait till the right moment.

Is this it?

Probably not.

That is so odd.

Really?

By any objective standard,
I'm--that's interesting.

When I had my back surgery,

I was briefly addicted
to painkillers

for five years.

- You--painkillers?
- [Laughs]

I--I used to shoplift
from charity stores.

I have many Jesuses.

I did not expect that.

Nobody's perfect,
and certainly I'm not.

But I see you now,
a little bit,

and this should have been
happening more.

That's not a mother's job.

A mother's job
is to protect her children.

Is the implication
that I don't protect mine

because I'm so effusive
with them?

No, Lyla.

That I somehow deserve
what is going on with me?

No, Lyla,
that's not what I said.

And possibly losing
my children?

Enough, Lyla.
Lyla, enough.

I have to go pack.

Grandpa's dead.
[Door closes]

Mmm.

♪ Here comes the rain again ♪

♪ Falling on my head
like a memory ♪

♪ Falling on my head
like a new emotion ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I want to walk
in the open wind ♪

♪ I want to talk
like lovers do ♪

♪ I want to dive
into your ocean ♪

♪ Is it raining with you? ♪

♪ Oh, baby, walk with me ♪

♪ Like lovers do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Talk to me ♪

♪ Like lovers do ♪

♪ ♪

Hurry up, Mom.
We're gonna be late.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Are you wearing a backpack?

No, it's a shoulder-mounted
survival kit.

Grandma gave it to me.

It comes with a Camelbak
hydration pack

and a safety whistle.

Yeah, that's important.

So get in the car.
I will meet you there.

I promise we will not be late
for the bake sale.

Oh!

Well,

so I'll talk to you tonight?

Lily?

Charlie's still in the car.

Sorry, bud.

Come on.

Hey, Lily, hey.

Honey, can I talk to you?

Yeah, Dad told me.

I'm grounded, and I lost
my phone for two weeks.

Okay.

Um, good.

Look, it's not okay
for you to lie to us,

and it is not okay
for you to sneak out.

But, um, your dad and I--

We've been crazy lately,

and you have every right
to be mad at us.

We suck right now.

Divorce sucks,

and we need to figure out
how to be better for you.

I'm really gonna try, okay?

Okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

Now I'm gonna hug you
without embarrassing you,

because I love you.

I love you, honey.

But seriously, Mom, that guy's
way too young for you.

It's totally Ratchet.

Ratchet.

[School bell rings]

I just cannot believe that.

Who doesn't tell someone
their grandfather's dead?

I know. It's--it's unusual.

But when I found out

that she was a pill-addicted
shoplifter...

You felt closer to her.

- I felt closer to her.
- Yes, I get that.

- I don't want you to hate her.
- No.

Because these are such
good cookies.

- I know.
- Honey, I'm sorry.

I thought I was the only one
whose night was a disaster.

No.
Definitely not the only one.

Oh, really?

Somebody has something
to share.

Your date with Vika and Merete
wasn't great?

Honestly,
it was a little weird.

The threesome got weird.
Go on.

They wanted to marry my ass.

Yeah.

[Phone chimes]
Sorry.

How crazy is that?
And guess what?

- Guess where they took me?
- Where?

- Woodland Hills.
- That's ridiculous.

- I know.
- Ugh!

Why does she keep
sending me these things?

Don't worry about it. No one
cares about that, honestly.

I'm really excited
about our next guest.

Cleo Stevens is here.

She's the author
of the best-selling advice book

Back Burner Baby:
Mommy Needs Candy Too.

So, Cleo, this book generating
a lot of chatter.

Why do you think
it's hitting such a nerve?

Well, I think it's 'cause
I'm calling out all the B.S.

That we moms have been drip-fed
for, like, the past 20 years.

I mean, on the one hand, we're
supposed to work full-time,

and on the other,
we're supposed to be

these fully immersed
mommy-copters.

That leaves about zero minutes
for ourselves.

I mean, no wonder
we're all mainlining

Sauvignon Blanc, right?

In your book,
you propose what I'll say

is a different kind
of parenting system.

By "system,"
you mean one rule?

[Laughs]

More time for yourself.
The kids'll be fine.

I mean, otherwise
you're just gonna have

a nervous breakdown
like Abby McCarthy.

Wow, ouch.

Well, I'm sorry,
but she is the perfect example

of what I'm talking about.

She spent 14 years
hyper-focused on her kids,

and that's all she wrote about.

I mean, there's barely a mention
of the husband.

And then she snaps.

[Phone rings]

- Did she snap?
- I mean, look.

I don't have anything
against her personally, at all.

She was relevant once.

I think the conversation
has moved on, right?

Isn't it time we got real?

I think that bitch
just stepped to me.

♪ Like a woman on a warpath ♪