Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce (2014–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - Rule #67: Don't Kill the Princess - full transcript

Previously on
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

We've never really made love.

You're really
emotionally blocked.

- I have this guy.
- Your shrink?

Like a shaman.

Are we prepared
for our journey

to self-revelation
through ayahuasca?

What's the story
with you and Ralf?

He gets off on paying me now.

- Child support?
- No, he has to pay that.

This is for services rendered.



Lyla, what's going on?

70-30 custody in Dan's favor.

I just thought that maybe

we could go on a trip.

It's gonna be an adventure.

Why did we have to split

for me to see
how goddamn beautiful you are?

_

Lyla?

Lyla, Lyla, Lyla, Lyla, Lyla?

Mm.

Lyla, this is
message four, seven?

I don't know,
I stopped counting.

I know you are upset with me,
but I need you to call me back.



Call me back,
or I'll put your dating profile

Call me.

Really, Mom?

Do you remember your
Princess Jasmine birthday party?

No, it was like
a zillion years ago.

You were six, maybe seven.
You were so obsessed with her.

When she showed up, you and
your friends started screaming

like it was the Beatles.
It was so cute.

Um, I picked out the birthday dress I want.
It's from Anthropologie.

Let me just take one picture
of you wearing it, please?

Can I get it?
It's on sale for $220.

Lilly, that's a lot of money
for a dress.

You said I could pick one out.

Reasonably priced.
Nothing more than $150.

You spend twice as much
as that on dresses.

Well, I'm twice your age.

- Whatever.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I just need you to help me pick
out a food truck for your party.

I'm thinking Kogi.

Mom, no, taco trucks
are so over.

They're filled with carbs.

Charlie!
Leave the balloons alone.

It was Chad, not me.

Chad.

What 14-year-old girl
doesn't eat carbs?

My friends.

There's something on the wall,
Mom.

Okay, fine,
no tacos for you then.

- It's really, really big, Mom.
- You gotta eat something.

I was thinking maybe we could
get a Sushi truck.

Sushi has rice.
Rice is a carb.

- Sashimi, Mom, obviously.
- Mom, Chad saw it first, see?

Look.

Shit.

Phoebe?
Hey, what are you doing here?

I was hoping to talk to Lyla
about legal advice

because of the baby
that ate the bracelet in Vegas.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Well, Mom is
understandably freaking out,

so I thought
maybe she could help me,

but she's not here.

- Oh, well, that's weird.
- Yeah.

She's usually here
before 8:30.

Hi, excuse me, can I, uh,
borrow her for a sec?

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I got an email late last night
from Lyla.

She's taking a leave

starting today.

A leave?
For how long?

No answer.

She is not answering
any of my texts.

This is my fault.

It was everything
I said to her,

and Vegas was the last straw.

Oh, honey,
please do not worry about Lyla.

You know, this is probably
one of her stunts.

She's probably at the Palmilla
drinking margaritas,

trying to make Dan sweat because
his meal ticket's gone awol.

Mm?

Yeah?

Your father's
on the phone again.

Okay, take a message, please.

Okay,
and Gordon Beech is here.

Great.
Thank you.

Gordon Beech as in married
to the designer Courtney Beech?

One and the same.
And he was married.

You're primping.

Is he hot?

I freshen for every meeting,
doll.

Please don't worry about Lyla.

She'll turn up.

Ugh.

The foundation under the house
has shifted,

so the crack is
gonna continue spreading

unless you get a retaining wall.

A retaining wall?

Ugh, they're so bleak
and prison-breaky.

True, but they also
keep your house

from sliding down the hill.

Yeah, well, Max,
how urgent is this?

Because we cannot cancel
Lilly's birthday party.

Well, I mean,
unless said party's

gonna be sliding down a hill.

And I can't do it
next week either

because Jo's coming to visit me,
and she's staying here.

Jo?
Jo the ho?

Don't call her that.

That's how
she introduced herself to me.

I believe she also
introduced herself to you

with her vagina.

- Please don't.
- Hello, hello, Max.

First time, vagina.
Don't remind me.

Okay, I thought
you broke up with her.

- She's a crazy person.
- You hated her.

So it's my fault?

We were married.
I picked you.

Oh, that is convenient.

It's the guy I called
about the estimate.

Look, we don't need to deal
with the foundation today,

but it needs to be handled soon.

Oh, um, Lilly called me
about her birthday dress.

I haven't gotten her
anything yet, so is it okay if--

- It's a little pricey, so--
- Okay.

You know what,
just get it.

Sure, yeah.

Okay.

And...

And about last night--
The other--not last night,

the other night, um...
Yeah, well-

- We should, um...
- Are we okay?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, is there
anything you need to talk about?

- No, no, good, good, good.
- Okay, good.

Um, I do want to mention that,

you know,
me and Becca are still,

- you know, together.
- Of course. I get that.

- Okay, just saying.
- Yeah, I get that.

Good.

Do you and Becca
use protection?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, nothing's been spread.

No one's been contaminated,
Abby.

Okay.

Are you still on the pill,
by the way, because--

Oh--
Oh, my god.

- Charlie, hey.
- Charlie!

Come here.
Give me the gun.

You can't shoot things
in the house.

You hit Mom
right in the face.

You got to be careful with that,
okay?

Come here.

Can you apologize to your mom,
please?

It wasn't me.
It was Chad.

Okay, who's Chad?

Chad is
Charlie's new friend--invisible.

Oh, Charlie, can I meet Chad?
Where is he?

Talk to him, maybe.
Um, maybe later.

He's kind of taking
a dump right now.

- Okay.
- Ew. Wow.

Hey, Uncle Max.

- Hey, dude.
- All right, what's the news?

Oh, the good news is,

my architect friend's
giving you a good deal,

but you're looking
at about 20k.

- Jesus.
- Wow.

How are we
supposed to afford that?

I mean,
you could sell your Birkin.

- Ha.
- Right.

You have always been resentful

that Mom gave that to me
when she purged her closet.

Um, I might be able
to swing it

if you can give me some time.

We'll see.

- You can cover it?
- Yes? I'm-

- Can you not do that please?
- Hey, Charlie.

Sorry, how?

Okay, if you must, um,

Joseph Gordon-Levitt
read the Ukraine script

and apparently
he flipped over it, so--

- Jake, that's incredible!
- Okay, I don't--

I don't know yet,
so I don't want to jinx it.

But, you know,
obviously if he bites on it--

- Oh, my god, amazing.
- It would be, but not yet.

Oh, my god.

Look, I know
it's really hard right now,

but try not to stress
about the money stuff.

- Okay.
- And we'll--

Yeah, we're gonna focus
on Lilly right now.

Yeah.

We're gonna give her
the most unforgettable

14-year-old birthday party
ever possible.

- 14-year-old--
- Oh, my god.

Becca's coming.
She said yes.

Becca Riley's
coming to my party.

I didn't--

Your wife wants 70%
of Courtney Beech

including all shares
in and out of America,

full creative control,
basically, all of it.

That's not surprising.

So I have come up with
a corporate assets proposal,

if you look at the first page--

Something's different.

- Excuse me?
- Your hair.

You're wearing
your hair differently.

I like it.
It's a good look for you.

You know
what's not a good look?

You, post-cardiac arrest
when your ex walks away

with all your money.

I know what she wants.

I'm not interested
in playing dirty.

It's not about dirty.
It's about fair.

You built the brand with her.

Why should she be able
to take you to the cleaners

and talk trash in Vanity Fair?

She's hurt.

I really don't want
to drag this out.

Let's just give her
whatever she wants,

and I'll build a new brand.

I'm ready to move on, Delia.

Gordon, when you married
Courtney, she had nothing.

Now the company is
a billion-dollar entity.

You cannot bow out
of this fight.

Can you give us some privacy,
please?

Actually, she can't.

She's notating.

Oh, right.
Sorry.

So how do you think
we should handle this?

I'm sorry, Mr. Beech.

I have to take this.

Give me a moment.

We're off the clock.

Everything all right, doll?

First of all,
Jake's embryo, Becca,

invited herself
to Lilly's birthday party.

What?
That's outrageous.

It is outrageous.

And he just stood there, like,
staring, dead-eyed,

like the shark in Jaws,
you know what I mean?

This is what I think.

I think that he is actually

afraid of Becca's feelings,

like if he takes her little
juice box away, she might cry.

- Calm down.
- Ugh.

Are you driving?

I can't believe I just
slept with that asshole.

Whoa!

What?

Shit.

Abby?

Are you okay?
Are you okay?

Did you see that?

- Hi.
- Look where you're going.

On Monday, I'd love that
if you're cool with that.

Cool.

6:30's great.

Oh, yeah, tot--
No, I love that place.

It's great.
It's right--

The address is the--
Um, I do.

Yeah.
Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah,
just below it, right?

No, no, no, I totally remember.
I do.

I'll see you there, dude.

Um, right, totes.

All right, bye.

Oh, my god!

My god, somebody is happy!
What?

That was Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

- Like, from Inception?
- Uh-huh.

Like, from
Days of Summer?

- Uh-huh.
- My god, I love him.

Oh, he's so h--
Talented.

Hot! Hot.

You can even say he's hot.
He's hot.

And he wants
to sit down with me

for one-on-one, soon.

- Monday.
- Oh, my god.

Your movie is
totally getting made.

Oh, my god,

- what is happening...
- Babe!

- in my life right now?
- You're blowing up.

I'm so proud of you.

Did I kind of
sound like an idiot?

Did I sound like
I was pushing a little hard?

I think I said "totes"
at one point and--

Jake, relax.

He's a really smart guy.
He's going to love you.

Oh, when I tell my EP
about this,

you'll totally get that empty
Blood Sisters directing slot.

- Yeah.
- What?

- We talked about this.
- Seriously?

Yeah, I mean,

it's not like your movie
starts shooting tomorrow.

I know, but I got great news,
like, five seconds ago.

Can we just give it a minute
before--

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just thought a gig equals
money, so why not do both?

No, it does, it's just,
you know, that's my project,

and the other thing is--

Just my stupid CW show?

No, that's not what I meant.

Um, it's just not my thing.

Great.
That makes me feel great.

No, Becca,
I'm a middle-aged man.

Like, the demo on the CW
for that is, like, six dudes,

and they're probably
all bronies.

You know what, never mind.

I didn't mean
to make a thing of it.

Hey.

You know what?

You're right about the money,

but I'm fine, and...

I love the show.

I think you are
a brilliant actress on it.

I was having a moment and did
not mean to bag on your show.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay, thank you.

Oh, my god.

Oh, Lilly invited me
to her birthday party.

You're cool with me going,
right?

Yeah.

- I think that'll be fun.
- Yeah, me too.

Thank you very much.

No problem.

I almost killed a future
leader today, Joey Kessler.

What?
Oh, my god.

Delia,
I can't handle a lecture

on how sleeping
with your soon-to-be ex-husband

changes the date of separation,
okay?

Wait, what?

Hello, and I tried calling you
several times.

I know, I've just been
really slammed this week.

I feel terrible about bailing
on you in Vegas.

I'm so sorry.

Good.

And I haven't been
in my right mind, admittedly.

No, you are not.
You slept with Jake...

- Evidence.
- So I forgive you.

How was it?
How was the sex?

It was fine.
It was good.

We were, you know, loaded,
so it was great.

Call me crazy, but I think
his dick has gotten bigger.

Both: No.

- Doesn't happen.
- Or maybe--

Maybe he lost weight or--
I don't know.

Either way,
it was really--

It was really exceptional sex.

Well, if that's the case,

then I think
it's legally appropriate

for you to screw
his brains out again.

No, I can't even look him
in the face

now that Becca has made herself
the star attraction

of Lilly's birthday party.

- She's coming to the party?
- Yeah.

Mama, it is your house.

Absolutely.
I couldn't agree more.

You need to call her

and un-invite little Ms. Blood Sister
and her evil twin.

And her evil twin, yes.

Yeah, I know,
you're both right.

- Um, is that Lyla?
- No.

- It's Ralf.
- Where is she?

- She is MIA.
- Ladies, Lyla is a big girl.

If she needs your help,
she'll call.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

All right, chicas,
I am gonna go.

- Where are you going?
- Ralf wants to play.

Oh, look at you, you're such
a good little concubine.

I have had a bad week, and he
wants to make me feel better.

Both: With his penis.
- Jinx.

So Jake--
Give me the blow by blow.

Well, there was only one blow,

but we did
do a lot of other stuff.

- Hi, how you feeling?
- Better now.

Good. I don't like it
when you're down.

I'm hungry.
Take me out to eat.

Uh, I can't.
I have something.

Well, that doesn't leave
much time for us

to go again, does it?

Yeah.

Phoebe, I mean,
you know I adore you.

Ah.

What's her name?

Carla.

She works at the new hotel,

and she wouldn't appreciate
our little arrangement.

No wonder it was so good.

It was our last time.

Carla.

Is it serious?

I care about her.

And I have something for you,
a proper gift.

Not to say good-bye but,

uh, to commemorate
the end of an era.

- It's perfect.
- Yeah.

Let me help you.

It's beautiful on you.

Come on.

How about now?

Amazing, always, but I--

Now that I know
it's our last time--

I can't--
I can't, okay?

Okay.
I should, um--I should go.

Let me wash up,
and I'll walk you to your car.

No.
I'm good, Daddy, really.

Okay.
Everything looks normal.

Cool.
Cervix is still up there.

That's, uh--

Thanks.

So I had, um, unprotected sex
two nights ago,

and I went off the pill
after Jake and I split.

- Abby.
- I know.

Unprotected, bad.

Is it even possible that someone
my age can have a healthy baby?

Possible, yes.

But the odds at your age
are about 50/50.

I see.

Have you given any thought
to the morning-after pill?

How long do I have for it
to be effective?

This one, give you
about five days from the act.

It's over the counter.
You can take it at home.

You may feel a few side effects.

Dizziness, nausea,
but any unpleasant feelings

should pass quickly.

I know
it's a really big decision.

You have any more questions?

No, I'm good.

Okay, take care of yourself,
Abby.

Okay.

Where is he?

Abby? Hey.

I thought
I was picking the kids up today.

Yeah, you are.

Lilly left her bag in my car.

You can just give it to her.

Okay.

Hey, I heard you tried

to run over Joey Kessler
this morning.

Jake, I think
you need to dis-invite Becca.

What?

I just think it sends

the wrong message
to Lilly's friends.

What message?

It's a birthday party.
It's one afternoon.

It's an afternoon that

should be about our daughter
turning 14

and not some cw actress.

Some cw actress?

- Really?
- Sorry.

- Can we not, please?
- Sorry.

Look, I'm just not really
very comfortable with it.

Well, you know what?
It's not about you.

It's about Lilly,
and she wants Becca there, so--

Okay, that's good.

- Good?
- You know what?

Why don't I just skip the whole
thing, and you two can host?

Oh, my--
Are you serious right now?

Yeah, you know what,
you can invite

all of Lilly's fake new friends,

and they can tweet
about how awesome it is,

and maybe even get TMZ
to show up.

Okay, what are you doing
right now?

What are you doing?
The crack in the foundation.

Things like that are going
to keep on happening,

and maybe we won't even be able
to afford it.

Then we have to sell the house.
What?

And then Lilly's last memory
of her whole birthdapart

at the house that we raised her
in, that she grew up in,

is gonna just be
all about Becca Riley.

Abby, we are a long way
from having to sell the house.

Okay?
What's going on?

What is this?
Are you okay?

I have a thing.
I have to go.

I'm fine.

Hey.
How's the Beech depo prep going?

Good, we got
some good precedent

to go
after those foreign assets.

Okay, great.

And by the way, Beech is
very happy with your work,

but I'm guessing
you already know that.

Look, Al,
I don't know what you've heard,

but I am not
encouraging anything.

- I promise.
- What are you talking about?

You know, I ran into him
the other night at Mozza,

- and he was raving about you.
- Oh.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, good.

The paralegal saw him get
a little forward with me today,

and I just want
to go on record

saying that I'm not
encouraging anything.

Please.

You know how guys are
in the middle of a divorce.

Their lawyer is their therapist,

and when that lawyer is
an attractive, single woman...

You want me to talk to him?

- Or I can bring somebody else in.
- Absolutely not.

This is a huge case.
I can handle him.

I know you can.
That's why we put him with you.

You're a ball crusher.

Oh, Al,
you say the sweetest things.

Hey, Al, about Lyla,
the whole leave of absence spin,

what's really going on?

Ah.

Okay, how do I
put this delicately?

Lyla's freaking batshit.

That's just my legal opinion.

- Have a good night.
- You too.

So do you think
she'll like it?

Yeah, I mean, wow,
how much was that?

Um, I don't know,
it was in my Emmys gift bag.

- Like, 500 bucks?
- Oh.

- Wow.
- Too much?

Yeah, I kind of--
I mean,

that's more than
Lilly's yearly allowance, so--

Right, sorry.

I don't know this stuff.

It's not like
I got a normal childhood.

I spent my 14th birthday
in the back of a grip truck

- with a bunch of teamsters.
- Hey, hey, no.

No apologizing.

I love that watch.
I like it for myself.

- Can I wear it?
- Oh, sure, anytime.

Can we make it
into a necklace?

- Or, like, a choker?
- Or, like, a belt?

Seriously, don't apologize.
It's a really nice gesture.

- Okay.
- We'll get her something else.

You know, it's confusing.

- All these rules.
- I know.

I think you're doing amazing.

I mean, I--half the time
I don't know what's right,

so how are you supposed to?

I really care about you.

I don't want to overstep,

but at the same time,
I do exist.

- You know?
- I know, and Lilly loves you.

Well, like, when Lilly texted
me about her birthday party,

what am I supposed to say?

Yeah.

We actually should talk
about that.

Wait, was it a mistake
to say yes?

No.

I mean, it did create
a bit of a mess

- between me and--
- Abby.

Yeah.

You said you were fine
with me going.

I am fine with it,
but that's an example of a time

where I wish
you would've asked me first.

Well, then
why didn't you tell me that?

'Cause I didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Jake, Lilly invited me.

I know.
It's complicated, okay?

I'm just being honest here.

I'm just telling you
what's going on, that's all.

- Yeah, I really appreciate
- Yeah, obviously.

Know what?
I just won't go.

This from you?
Seriously?

Oh, Lilly's been so obsessed
with her appearance lately.

I blame Becca Riley,
also known as Satan's spawn.

This actually looks
kind of amazing.

- Yeah.
- Maybe I could use this.

- Get some attention.
- From Ford?

- Mm.
- Come on.

I heard his speech
at the gala.

The man loves you
more than anything.

Yeah, well, love has not
translated into action.

Not for a long time.

Really?

Jump him.

Yeah, well, I tried,
but he's always exhausted.

Well, jump him anyway.
He'll remember he likes it.

I promise.

Or you can wait
till Jo comes here next week.

Sure she'll be willing
to give you another tumble.

I slept with Jake.

Say something.

Uh, like, makeup sex?

Like, drunken, loaded sex.

And we didn't use protection.

Oh.

Oh, wow, wow.
Um...

So there's a possibility
that you could be...

- Yes.
- Pregnant.

Uh, have you told him?

No. Not yet.
I don't want to worry him and--

Okay.
Um...

Abby, do you really see
yourself, like, breast-feeding

and changing diapers again?

Maybe.
Maybe, yeah.

What?

I know you and Jake aren't

you and Jake anymore,

but I still see it, Abs.

There's love there.

Well, 17 years is a long time.

I mean, we built
this house together.

Just be practical, okay?

Having a baby
to save a marriage is--

Yeah, I know, it's stupid.

All I can remember
is the smell of baby head.

When Lilly was born,
I looked at her,

red-faced and pissed off
and screaming at me.

I just thought:
"There she is.

There is the love that I've
been looking for my whole life."

Becca called.

She said she can't come
to the party anymore.

- What did you do?
- Lilly--

This isn't fair.
She's one of my best friends.

Oh, you cannot believe that
she's one of your best friends.

- Oh, like you'd understand.
- Can we--

- Just leave me alone!
- Can we talk about it?

I just want to talk about it.

- Um, do you--you want me to--
- Be my guest.

Lilly?

Sweetie.

I know you really
knocked yourself out, mama,

but this party is terrible.

I know.

It's just
all about you-know-who.

It's like
I invited Princess Jasmine

and then I killed her.

I'm a Princess murderer.

Please.
You did the right thing.

I applaud you.

Well, stop clapping
because I left Becca a message

and re-invited.

- Why?
- What?

Just because Jake
is her bitch,

I don't need to be one too.
Oh, my god.

Why did I buy these?
These are my stress food.

There's a reason
they're called Funyuns, babe.

'Cause they're fun onions.

Ooh, baby, look at that bling.

I know, it's blinding me.

Someone should give this woman
an award.

She has mastered
the art of divorced sex.

Yes, you should.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Lyla!

"Relax, stalkers.
I'll call you soon."

Oh, god, I told you.

I don't even know
what to say.

You know what, screw it.
I'm so sick of her selfishness.

That is very un-Phoebe-like
of you.

- Good.
- I'm working on a new Phoebe.

And new Phoebe doesn't like
to be taken for granted

by people she cares about.

So... That's what I think.

God, these are so good.
I know, they're so good.

No, don't eat them.
I'm gonna take them away.

Oh, Lilly just went off
with Jade.

I don't trust that girl.

She's fast.

- I was fast.
- You still are.

Lilly!

Lilly.

Oh, my god,
it's Becca Riley!

Hey.
Where's the birthday girl?

Hey, beautiful.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, my god, it's the one
she wore on Undercover Models.

I love it so much.
Thank you!

I'll give you $100
if you punch Becca in the boob.

I'm so glad you like it.

Abby, thank you
for the invitation.

No, I am--I'm thrilled
you could make it.

So pretty!

I can't believe she made it.

This is a pool party,
isn't it?

Why isn't everybody dancing
in the pool?

Come on!

Becca.

I'll be right back, okay?

Keep the party going,
birthday girl.

I need a Tequila.

Shot, now.

Um, all my liquor is
in the trunk of my car, so--

That was smart.

Do they--
Do they look--

Yeah, they're drunk.

Hey.

- Oh, look, it's her.
- Oh, my god.

I'm really glad you came.

- Me too.
- Um--

It was Abby.
She called me.

Really?
That was nice of her.

- Um...
- Yeah.

I'm sure
Lilly's really pleased.

I mean, I'm really pleased,

and I'm sorry about the, um--

- Can we get a pic with you?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Oh, my gosh, it looks so good.
- All right, look-

Oh, my god.

- Sweet.
- Hey.

Look--oh, my god,
maybe she wants a selfie.

I think Lilly and her friends
have been drinking.

Really?
Where did they get it?

I don't know,
this whole house is dry.

What did Lilly say?

Jake, Lilly lies
about flushing the toilet.

Max, can you come here
for a second?

I knew there was trouble
the minute Jade showed up

and they snuck into her bedroom

right at the beginning
of the party.

Okay, Abby thinks that maybe

the girls have taken something,
are drinking something,

so let's case the house,
we'll find out what it is.

- Okay? Top to bottom.
- Wow, okay, CSI.

They could be snorting nutmeg.

I totally did it
in junior high.

- Okay.
- What?

Also check their bags
for soda bottles--

That's where I snuck my liquor--
And medicine cabinets--

Always took
my mom's painkillers.

- Wow.
- Um, okay.

I think we should each
pick a room and search it

and try not to be too obvious
about it.

How is this happening?
These girls are in eighth grade.

- I'm gonna take the kitchen.
Both: Okay.

Max, can you just lifeguard,
make sure nobody drowns?

Or pukes in the pool.
What?

I got the bathroom
and the living room.

Okay, and Abby and I
will take upstairs.

If you find what
those little shits are on,

I got first dibs.

I guess I'll just, um,
keep watch down here.

- Great.
- Okay, let's do it.

I'm just gonna, um--
I'm gonna check the bathroom.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I looked in Lilly's room
and Charlie's room.

I didn't find anything.
Did you?

I did.

Is this what I think it is?

Oh, my god.

- They just jumped in the pool.
- Oh--oh, my god.

- What--
- Oh, my god.

What's happening?

What the hell?

I think there's some towels
in the back house or something.

Lilly, are you okay?

- Becca, I got this.
- Girls are weird.

- Lilly, what's going on?
- You're gonna freak out.

Okay, I'm not going to
freak out.

You need to tell me
what's happening.

- What's going on?
- I have no idea.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

We need to call poison control.
Why?

No, we need paramedics.
No.

Parents, we should call
the parents, actually.

- Okay, did they--
- I don't know who to call.

Is it bath salts?
'Cause I've seen a thing.

They eat each other's faces.
We have to stop--

They soaked tampons in vodka.

No.
No way.

Yes way,
at first they started drinking,

and then they didn't
want the calories--

- Jade's idea--
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- So what you're saying is--
- Their vaginas are on fire.

Ow, it burns!

Why can't you just smoke pot
like a normal kid?

How can you have no idea
who brought the alcohol?

Believe me,
we tried to break them.

If you want to give it a go,
be my guest.

I'm so sorry.

By the way,
your daughter's a delinquent,

and your mommy book's
bullshit.

I mean, we can call
poison control again,

but clearly all the girls
are fine.

And I've never heard of a tampon
soaked in vodka before.

I tried it once,
it doesn't even work.

- Really?
- Let's go, you are grounded

- for the next month.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Jake?
- Yeah, oh, hey.

- You remember Robert?
- Hey, Robert.

- Robert's a law--
- A lawyer, I know.

Remember when I was
at your house

and I fell into
the floating gardenia patch?

That's right, which was

clearly not locked down
properly.

Sucks for you.

Hey, give me a hand with this.

Sorry, we're late for our
blow-outs.

Bye.

Thank god
I don't have girls.

- You okay?
- My head.

I just needed a break.

Yeah.

- So... morning after pill?
- Mm.

So you weren't on the pill
anymore.

Were you ever gonna
tell me that?

Yeah.
Now.

I don't know.

The box isn't open.

I know.

I know, it's crazy.
I mean, obviously we weren't

- thinking--
- Yeah, yeah.

But if you were or are...

You may want to keep it?

God.

A baby.

Am I crazy to think it was
easier then?

- When the kids were little?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you're totally insane.

- I miss it.
- You do?

I do.

- It was hard.
- Yeah.

But everything
was so new and--

My god, you were a champ.

You were too.

- Damn.
- Yeah.

Oh, my god, I could feel
my heart in my throat

when Lilly was telling me
about the vodka.

It's like we're living
with an alien.

A nightmare.

It's not going to always be
like that.

- You don't think so?
- No, she will come back to us.

- Eventually.
- Mm.

What if it were healthy?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You ready?
- Yep.

- Thanks for everything, Becca.
- Of course.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hi.
How are you?

Phoebe.
You looking for Ralf?

No, I'm actually looking for
Carla, does she work here?

- Carla Montgomery?
- Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

The cocktail waitress?
Classic.

More like the hottest
interior designer.

I heard she did the Obama house
in Chicago and Hawaii.

Hey, Carla?

No, it's okay,
don't worry about it.

I will see you again later.

Never mind.

I thought you were
on a business trip.

I cancelled.

Oh, yeah?
People are gonna catch on.

You need to relax.

You are gonna get me fired.

Mm, we'll be careful.

I want you to watch.

Shit!
What the f--?

- What happened?
- Max just texted me

a link to a Deadline article.

"Joseph Gordon-Levitt to board
Rian Johnson's

Ukraine thriller."

Oh, my god, oh, my god.
I'm calling my agent.

I don't understand.

How can that be happening?

Pick up the phone!

- I went through your jacket.
- What?

I checked your phone.

I never do that.

Okay, I don't know what you're
talking about right now.

I saw your Uber receipt.

After the ayahuasca
you went to Abby's.

Right.
Yeah.

I mean, I was...

I was out of my mind, and yeah,
I ended up there.

Did something happen?

Becca, let's not do
this right now.

I asked you a question.

Uh...

- It was a--it was a very--
- What?

It was what?

You can't even give me
a straight answer?

- I'm really sorry.
- So you did.

- You slept with her.
- Yes, I did.

Look, I didn't--I didn't mean--

- Jake, I can't.
- No, no, no, no.

I need to be
with someone grounded, okay?

Okay, okay,
I was tripping balls.

I am done.

It was your idea, I went and
did it with you and I--

Oh, so you screwed your
ex-wife because I put a gun

- to your head?
- No, no, I didn't

mean it like that.

- It's my fault?
- No, I shouldn't

have put it that way.
I'm sorry.

- I want something serious.
- This is serious.

We happened so fast.

I fell for you so hard--

I want to get married.
I want to have kids.

You don't want that
with me, Jake,

you probably don't
want that with anybody

because you're still hung up
on Abby.

No, I'm not.

We were together 17 years, okay?

Just get your shit.

- I want you to go.
- No.

Go.

Mom, I'm such an idiot.

So here's the thing...

- I am not going to ground you.
- You're not?

No.

I think ruining your own party
and having a burning... body

is enough punishment
for one night.

I just need to know one thing.

I need to know if you've been
drinking before this.

No.

I mean, Jade and I snuck a few
beers at Ari's bar mitzvah.

Jade.

- I knew it.
- It wasn't very fun though.

- I kinda had a panic attack.
- Then why today?

- Did Jade--
- No.

I just felt like
I needed to show off, you know?

Your party's certainly gonna
be the talk of the school.

Thank god.

It was all so ridiculous.
***

The cake was good though.

You always make
the best cakes.

Would you lie with me?

I would love to lie with you.

I do remember
Princess Jasmine.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

It was raining, and I thought
the party was ruined,

and then she came swooping in
out of thin air.

Like you guys conjured her up

or something.

Princess Jasmine was
20 years old and way hungover.

- Nuh-uh.
- Yea-uh.

She came to the house and your
dad and I snuck her inside

for the surprise, and she ran to
the bathroom and started puking.

- Gross.
- It's so gross.

She was such a mess.
I was holding her hair,

your dad was force-feeding
coffee, and...

And then I just hid
in the bathroom with her

till she sobered up.

- Crazy.
- Mm.

I didn't even notice.

Well, she was a pretty
okay Princess in the end.

Yeah, hi, it's Jake Novak
calling you, Mark.

Uh, yeah, I'm a friend of Becca
Riley's and she told me

to give him a call about maybe
directing Blood Sisters, so.

Yeah, Jake Novak.

Sure, I'll hold, I'm gonna put
you on Bluetooth, okay?

Lyla.

You pull this
disappearing act again,

I am going to punch you
in the vagina.

I'd be delighted, but you'd
have to come to Portland.

What?

What are you doing in Portland,
you crazy woman?

We stopped here, you know,
because of Eric

- and oncoming water wars--
- Okay.

- And?
- It's so great.

Portlandia doesn't
even do it justice.

I have rented
the most beautiful house,

and I've convinced
Dan to come here, and...

There's a restaurant
that I think he's gonna love.

Okay, so you just disappeared
and bought a new life?

You told me to find
what makes me happy.

As it turns out, it's my kids
being happy

and small batch
artisanal pickles.

Oh, shit.

That's amazing, Lyla.

When are you gonna
get your ass down here?