Girlboss (2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Motherf*ckin' Bar Graphs - full transcript

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

[New Young Pony Club's "Ice Cream" playing]

♪ I can give you what you want ♪

♪ I can make your heart beat short ♪

♪ I can make you ice cream
We could be a sweet team ♪

♪ Melting in your vice dreams, sport ♪

Oh! God damn it, Carla.

♪ I can make your back real taut ♪

♪ Fantastic flavor fancies
Sick like Sid and Nancy ♪

♪ Wicked as a joyride ♪

Hmm.



How old are you?

Mm.

Forever young and forever yum.

♪ What you want ♪

♪ What you ♪

♪ What you want ♪

Oof, Sophia, you slick with words.

Oh, shit.

[buzzing]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

[exhales] All right.
Everybody just be cool.

[buzzes]

[gasps]

[groans] What kind of monster
leaves a voicemail?



Hey, that rent's pretty cheap.
Make that your new office space.

Nah, it's too dark and scary.
I'd probably end up chained to a wall

while some murder puppet
hands me a dull knife.

Ugh! Those movies are disgusting.

Did you see Saw?

Oh, I saw Saw.

Did you see Saw?

Oh, I totally saw Saw.

- Shane, did you see Saw?
- Don't want any part in this.

Come on, you have to play along.
I'm still mad at you.

Listen to this vital information
that he had to share.

[Shane on recording] Hey, it's me.
Okay, bye.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry don't save you.

[in low voice]
That is why you must play my evil game.

- [in a low voice] The choice is yours.
- [Sophia] Mm-hmm.

You can either solve the square root of 16
or hang by your bowels.

That is tough.

What will I choose? On one hand,
I've never hung by my bowels...

but... four.

- [both gasp]
- Another one gets away.

[all laugh]

Oh! Dax is home from school.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, do all the other kids in your class
dig that kick-ass lunchbox?

They do. All of us have one.

Oh, yeah. Don't listen to her, baby.
The lunchbox is sexy.

Ooh! Check this one out.

Okay. We've got utilities
and air conditioning thrown in.

Easy access to downtown.

Views of the Alamo.

Oh, wait. This is in San Antonio.

My cousin rents office space
for his plumbing company.

I could give him a call.

Or I could Ask Jeeves.

He seems to know a lot
about a lot of stuff.

Or you can ask the guy
who studies how variable mortgage rates

in commercially zoned districts
encourages business development.

Oh, my God.

Annie, can I choose the bear trap
on my head

- over listening to this guy talk?
- [in a low voice] Yes, you may, Sophia.

Just focus your search
on 6th and Harrison.

You're welcome.

Dax.

Okay, no lie,
you are the least helpful human being

on the planet.
Where did he say I should just look?

[man] This is perfect space for you.

- What else do you need?
- A window would be nice.

I know Apple was started in a garage,

but I doubt
I can grow the sploinked. comempire

- out of this coffin.
- Okay, okay. I have bigger space.

Top floor. It's more money, but you like.

I don't think so.
I heard some dogs bark on the way in,

and I need total silence to ideate.

No, hey. No, hey. For you, I kill dogs!

Yes. Bring the dogs in here.
They'll kill themselves.

- What do you want?
- Office space!

When do I want it?

Now!

[chuckles]

It's actually very funny in this country.

You want office space?

Yeah.
But it's gotta be better than this dump.

I have nothing for you.

Really? What about the bigger space
on the top floor?

No. That one's not for you.

It's expensive.
Twice as much as this place.

You don't think I can afford it
because I'm a woman?

You're not woman, you're girl.

There are many metrics
by which girls become women,

and I meet all them, dude.

I get my period.
I can join the Coast Guard.

I legally enter the Stoli vodka website.
Though there is a clever hack for that.

When they ask you
to put in the year that you were born,

- all you have to do is...
- Okay. You talk too much, like woman.

Don't love the stereotype,
but I'll take it.

And... I can give you three months' rent
in cash today.

Lookin' at a lot of Benjamins. What, what?

Eh. Follow me.

[Sophia sighs]

This is more like it!

♪ And I could walk 500 miles ♪

♪ And I could walk 500 more ♪

- Miss...
- [humming]

Miss, please.

I'll take it!

Please, print legibly.

Block letters only.

Amen, brother. Cursive is bullshit.

So, what exactly is your business?

Basically I buy vintage clothes for cheap,
make them look nice,

and then sell them online for more money.

You know how people flip houses?

Well, I flip clothes.

Oh, did I just detect the tiniest gleam
of interest on your face?

- My store, it's called Nasty Gal.
- Okay. Hey.

I need the name and number
of your current landlord.

Uh, sure. What for?

So I can call them
and ask if you pay rent on time.

Right. Let me find his number.

[Lionel] Bitch, what?

And sign in there.
Lets me run your credit.

- Can I give you a number for that, too?
- There's agency for that.

Is there a problem?

No.

I mean,
you will find that I do have bad credit.

But that's not my fault.

You see, a while back, I needed a new bra,
because none of mine fit.

And Oprah told me that 99 percent
of women are wearing the wrong bra size.

So, I go to Victoria's Secret,
and find out that you get half off a bra

if you open a credit card, so, I did.
But then I moved.

Never got the bill. Hence, never paid it.

And this fucking bill, for like 19 bucks,
ends up obliterating my credit.

And the real dick punch,
the bra never fit.

And I only wore it like twice.
So, really, the lesson here is,

- never think you're smarter than Oprah.
- All right. But you'll need cosigner.

No, I don't need any help signing.

I can do it all by myself.

That's not what a cosigner is, is it?

Who am I gonna get to cosign?

People with money don't usually trust
with abandon.

I know who you could ask.

Don't say it.

- Your incredibly sexy...
- Don't you say it.

- monumentally virile...
- [groans] Don't you dare say it!

I'm not asking my dad for help.

No, no. I will find someone else.

Anyone else.
Maybe I could make up a guy to cosign.

- You mean a guy like Henry...
- [both] Riffraff!

Ah! The perfect fake boyfriend.

Creepy randos just will not harass you
at a bar

if they think you're dating a smokejumper.

One who has to find new work

because he was kicked out
of the Navy SEALs for his temper.

Yeah, he was. [laughs]

Oh, no. Don't use Henry, though.

That's fraud. It's generally frowned upon.

You seem nice.

Can you cosign?

Come on. No one our age can be a cosigner.

You gotta have, like, savings
and assets and shit.

I do not wanna ask my dad.

Maybe he'll surprise you.

Only time he's ever surprised me
is when he told me without a doubt

that he's never stepped in gum.

I believe it.
Those lithe, agile haunches of his...

- Annie, he won't get it.
- Then explain it to him.

How? The only thing he responds to
is lame-ass shit,

like numbers and charts and spreadsheets.
I don't know anything about that.

- What, am I a super nerd?
- No.

But I'm deep-dicking one who is.

So, why should I help you?

'Cause you're smart.

Hey, were you the guy
who started putting lemon in Diet Coke?

'Cause I see that everywhere now.

And also, this.

Mm! Apparently Annie's gonna...

mangle your penis.

I think the real question is,
why shouldn't you help me?

For one, you consistently give me shit
about going to business school.

No, I totally respect the fact
that you're going to school.

As a grown man.

- Is that you trying to soften me up?
- No, no, that's Annie's job.

Ah...

- What is that?
- [Annie] He knows.

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

Fine, I'll help you.

But I have one condition.

Acknowledge that lunchboxes
are the most evolved form

of food preservation.

No, that's a refrigerator.

Fine. Advanced form
of transportable food preservation.

[snores, groans]

Acknowledged.

- Say it like you mean it.
- Seriously? How old are you?

Dignity has no age.

You two are my favorite people
in the world.

[Dax]
I've plotted your gross revenues on Nap 1.

See how your free cash levels increase
from Nap 2 to Nap 3?

Just say "napkin."

No. Now, if my math is right,
which it always is,

your current rate of growth

puts your next year cash flow projection
right here.

- I'm killing it, right?
- Low overhead, steady demand,

high margins?

Yes, you're killing it.

Low, steady, and high.

- That's your girl.
- [chuckles]

All right, look. Present this to your dad,
and make it look professional. Okay?

And he will see
that you have a legit business here.

Got it. Make the naps look nice.

Oh, my God. I just said "naps."

I'm turning into a fucking nerd like you.
This is gonna go great.

[softly] Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Let's make a bar graph.

How do I do that?

[male voice] Looks like you're trying
to make a bar graph.

Why, yes, paper clip.

I am trying to make a bar graph.

Please, advise.

Hello, bar graph wizard.

Walk me through this.

[knock on door]

Um, hello?

Wizard?

Woman. You best clean this shitbox up

before you even try asking
for your security deposit back.

Are these holes new?
Don't snow job me now.

[chuckles] Bravo!

It was a performance of a lifetime.

I was beyond convincing
in my role as landlord.

Mm! What did you tell him?

Well... I told him
that you always pay your rent on time.

I said that you are a devout Christian.

And you never, ever flush flushable wipes.

Never? But it's right there in the name.

Look at me. Never.

Okay. Glad you got my back.

Whatever I can do so my working girl
can get that office space,

kick her feet up
and have her Melanie Griffith moment.

Tell the world
you've got a head for business,

and a bod for preteen catalog modeling.

[both laughing]

Hey, do you wanna cosign a lease with me?

[laughing loudly]

Okay. All right.

I know, I'm sorry. It's just I...
I have dinner with my dad tomorrow night,

and convincing him
to do it is not gonna be easy.

Oh, yes.

- Having that hard talk with the parents.
- Yeah.

See, you need a buffer.

Why don't you bring
that cute man friend of yours?

Shane? Why?

When I had to have the conversation
with my father,

I was scared to death.

So, I invited my favorite teacher,
Mr. Fenwick, to come over to the house.

- And that helped?
- Yes. Yes, child.

I knew my father wasn't gonna kill me

- with witnesses present.
- Yeah.

I think he saw it coming, though,
because of all the time I was spending

at the pool hall down the street.

Pool hall? Is that some secret gay thing
I've never heard of?

What? No. What are you babbling on about?

Isn't this the story
of coming out to your parents?

No, no, no.
This is when I quit the basketball team.

That's what you refer to
as "the conversation"?

Yes. Yes.

Look at me.

I was made for basketball.

- I'm so confused.
- You'll be fine.

Clean up this mess.

My tongue is heavy.

I feel like I'm gonna... throw up.

- Hey, thanks for the wine.
- Goodbye.

[door closes]

[soft music playing over speakers]

- Want a drink before he gets here?
- No. If I have one drink,

I'll totally forget about expen...
Expendit...

Oh, shit. It happened anyway.

Hey, you got this.

Business speaks for itself.
You're gonna be great.

Say something to distract me.

Okay. I think it's really cool
that I'm meeting your dad.

I'm... anxious, but I'm excited.

But I'm anxious, but, yeah, I...

I mean, have you thought
about how this is a big step for us?

- Right. Not helpful.
- You are a buffer.

You are here to buff.
This is not the night to ask funny stories

from when I was a kid,
or lame shit like that.

- I'll buff the way I wanna buff.
- No stories.

- I'd like to hear two stories.
- Zero stories.

One story it is, okay. Here he comes.

- Dad, hi. Good to see you.
- Hey.

This is a first.

Did I keep you waiting long?

Ha, ha. Very funny.

This is Shane.

- Shane, pleasure.
- Pleasure's all mine, Mr. Marlowe.

All right.

Sorry, I'm just...
Little bit of shock here. [chuckles]

You show up on time,
you're put together.

You introduce me to a guy
who can form a complete sentence.

All right, Jay. We get it.

I'm just surprised and all.

You like music, Mr. Marlowe?

Yes. Sure.

I've been known to go
to a few concerts in my day.

You know, I once went
to three Guess Who shows in a weekend.

I am a huge Randy Bachman fan.

I actually met his son Tal backstage,

and I asked him if he had a follow-up
to "She's So High" coming out.

And he said, "Nope."

[laughs]

- Sounds like a typical kid, huh?
- [chuckles]

Yeah. All right.

[clears throat]

So, she yells at this waiter
at the top of her lungs, right?

"I'm not a boy! I'm a girl!"

And by this point, the...
The entire Pizza Hut is looking at us.

And this is what really kills me.
She stands on her chair.

She looks this pimply kid
right in the eye.

She says, "Wanna try that again, moron?"

[all laughing]

Oh, you know, got a free lunch out of it,
right? So, who's complaining?

Thank you for that one story.

Oh, I got hundreds more just like it.

- All right. Dad?
- Yeah.

- There's something I want to talk about.
- Who left room for dessert?

Oh, could you give us a second?

- [waiter] Sure. Should I bring menus or...?
- One tiramisu, three spoons.

And no one wants coffee.
It's fucking 9:00 p.m.

So... I started a business
reselling vintage clothes on eBay.

- What does that mean?
- You know how people flip houses?

- I flip clothes.
- People lose their shirt flipping houses.

All right. Forget about that.
Let me present you with this.

- A business plan for Nasty Gal.
- Nasty what?

What other kind of music do you like,
Mr. Marlowe?

Dad, please.
I'm going somewhere with this.

In just 14 months,
Nasty Gal has gone from nothing

to one of the most successful eBay stores
operating today.

As you can see here,
we have low, stable operating costs,

combined with an expected increase
in cash flow.

Our profits will rise every month.

If things continue, our projection
for next year is quite impressive.

And in the next five years,

we could be talking
about some crazy-ass numbers.

- I mean, you did all this yourself?
- Yes.

But there's one problem.

My apartment is too crowded.

With no room for new inventory,
these awesome graphs I made

will start going
in the opposite direction.

For your perusal.

Now, I have a lead on a new office space

and enough cash
to put down months of rent up front.

The jerk-off landlord won't rent it to me
without a cosigner.

Ahh.

That's why you were on time.

Dad... I don't remember
the last time I said this...

but I really need your help.

Motherfucking bar graphs!

- I am so proud of you.
- Ha!

You killed it in there.

- I did, right?
- Yes.

But only thanks to you,

because it was this close
to going sideways

until you pulled out
that dumb music anecdote.

That's buffing. Did I buff or did I buff?

- You buffed hard.
- Mm.

It was so cool meeting the dad
of the girl I wanna be with.

- Shit, man, I can't believe he said yes.
- You're right. For another time.

[line dialing]

Annie's not answering,
but I gotta tell her.

Or you could leave a voicemail.

[Supergrass' "Alright" playing]

♪ We are young, we run green ♪

♪ Keep our teeth nice and clean ♪

♪ See our friends, see the sights ♪

♪ Feel all right ♪

[chattering]

Well, I should have known
I couldn't beat you two days in a row.

Hey. We were just going over
the lease agreement.

Everything looks real good.

Need to put down the first
and last month's rent today.

No problem.

Like I said,
I'm rolling deep in sweet cheddar.

It means she's got the money. Cheddar.

So, where do I sign?

We decided the best way
to handle this thing

would be to put the lease in my name.

Why? It's my company.

Well, I just need to protect myself,
in case you get bored

with this, you know, clothes thing.

He's agreed to a six-month trial lease
to...

I'm no longer interested.

Hey, Sophia. Sophia, get back here.
What are you...?

I am not selling stuffed animals
out of my bedroom.

This is a real business.

Cosigning a lease is a risky thing.

I could lose my savings, my house.

I tried to speak your language,
to relate to you,

to prove to you
that I am worth betting on.

It's one thing
when a landlord doesn't buy into me.

It's another when...

Well...

[sighs] Hold up.

I bet I can throw a rock farther than you.

Yeah, I bet you can do a lot
of things more than me.

You don't wanna see?

- Sophia will... Oh, thank God.
- [cell phone buzzes]

Hi. Where are you?

Oh, there you are. Let's hang up.

No? But you're right there.

Yeah, no.
You're right, you're still too far.

My dad screwed me over with the lease.

No, he did not.

He did.

I'm so pissed. He stole it away from me.

I don't care how fine he is.
That is not cool.

So not cool.

Hang up? Yup?
Okay, I'll hang up for both of us.

Anything I can do?

No. I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine. I am fine. I'm fine.

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!

Okay, your words, tone and actions
aren't totally lining up right now.

Why can't he just fucking believe in me?

You know what I'm really good at?

Taking a piece of clothing
and changing a woman's perception of it,

so that she has to have it.

Why can't I do that with my dad?

Or the stupid landlord.

It's fucking men.

You have to work twice as hard.

They know it, you know it,
and they know you know it.

Guys like my dad...
they just see me as a little girl.

No matter what I do,
I can't change their perception of me.

You could show 'em how
your little girl ass murdered this door.

[chuckles] Oop.

Is no one going to ask me about my date
with a billionaire last night?

Go out with him again
and make him buy me an office building.

Okay. I'll ask.

- Her.
- Oh, my God.

Blink twice if it was Oprah.

[Annie] Sophia, get in here!

Check it.

How about this place?

Yeah, right.

No. No, no, no.
You're only seeing what's on the surface.

You're using your man eyes.

Try to see its potential.

You know,
remove all this shit... carefully,

with latex gloves,
and probably a SARS mask or two.

We uncover all the windows,
get that natural light up in here,

clean everything, fumigate,
and we bring your supplies in here,

your inventory.

We make it look cool,
like totally awesome.

Yeah.

This is it.

[man] Which one of you Bruce Lees
ruined my door?

- [Sophia] Oh, you own this place?
- I own the whole damn pier.

Whoa. I think we just thought
you were a retired pirate.

[chuckles] Well, that's
the cleaned-up version of my life.

Now, look,
I never minded you guys taking pictures,

but destruction of property
is another matter.

According to maritime law,
I gotta break one of your legs.

No one's breaking any legs.

If you knew me...
you'd know that was a joke.

[laughing]

My name's Burt Coyote.

All right, Burt.

I'm Sophia Marlowe.

- And I wanna rent this place.
- Heh, well...

Now, I know I may look like a little girl
to you,

but I am here to tell you that I'm not.

Yes, I did throw a tantrum
and break down your door.

And, yes, I may have shit credit
because of a bra.

- And, yeah, I may be a little...
- Hey, hey.

You don't need to prove yourself
to some guy named Burt Coyote.

You're right.

I am a girl.

And that shouldn't be a bad thing.

Girls are collaborative,
empathetic, hard workers.

Girls are great.

Hell, yeah.

Yeah.

- [grunts]
- Yeah.

I have a kick-ass business,
and I can pay you up front in cash.

Here's a thousand-dollar deposit.

The second I'm late with a payment,
this is yours to keep.

I'll be the best tenant you ever had.

We got a deal?

[Carly Simon's "Let the River Run"
playing]

[spits]

Deal.

[spits]

♪ We, the great and small ♪

♪ Stand on a star ♪

♪ And blaze a trail of desire ♪

♪ Through the darkening dawn ♪

♪ It's asking for the taking ♪

♪ Come run with me now
The sky is the color of blue ♪

♪ You've never even seen
In the eyes of your lover ♪

♪ Oh, my heart is aching ♪

♪ We're coming to the edge
Running on the water ♪

♪ Coming through the fog
Your sons and daughters ♪

♪ Let the river run
Let the river run ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers
Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Wake the nation, wake the nation ♪

♪ Come, the New Jerusalem ♪