Gilligan's Island (1964–1992): Season 3, Episode 6 - Where There's a Will - full transcript
Mr. Howell names the other castaways as beneficiaries in his will, then fears they may be trying to kill him for his money.
* just sit right back,
and you'll hear a tale *
* a tale of a fateful trip *
* that started
from this tropic port *
* aboard this tiny ship *
* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *
* the skipper brave and sure *
* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *
* a 3-hour tour *
[thunder]
* the weather started
getting rough *
* the tiny ship was tossed *
* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *
* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *
* the ship set ground
on the shore of this *
* uncharted desert isle *
* with gilligan *
* the skipper, too *
* the millionaire and his wife *
* the movie star *
* the professor and Mary Ann *
* here on gilligan's isle *
Oh!
Professor:
Well, he has no fever.
His temperature
is normal.
Yeah, but his
barometer's falling.
I think he's
gonna rain.
Ginger,
what's his pulse?
What's 204 divided
by 3 minutes?
68. Well, his pulse
is normal, too.
Darling, I brought
you some hot soup.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, dear.
Is it starve a cold
and feed a fever,
or feed a fever
and starve a cold?
Oh, well.
It doesn't matter.
Why do you get
such complicated
diseases?
Professor, I
brought some...
Oxygen from
the boat.
Well, that won't
be necessary, skipper.
Look, professor,
you've got to help me.
Call a specialist,
develop a new serum,
but you--you've got
to save poor little me.
Oh! That smarts!
Actually, Mr. Howell,
you're suffering from
an internal disorder
of the gastrointestinal
tract,
which has manifested
itself in contractions of
the upper transverse colon.
Lovey: Oh, how
perfectly awful.
Well, to phrase it
more simply,
Mr. Howell has
a common bellyache.
A bellyache, perhaps,
but common? Never.
I suggest
we all leave.
Mr. Howell needs rest now
more than anything else.
Run along, dear.
I want to tell you
how much I appreciate
your attention
and your concern.
Professor:
You'll be on your feet
in no time, Mr. Howell.
Gilligan: Yeah,
get better fast.
Skipper:
As soon as possible.
Ginger: Yes,
please, Mr. Howell.
Oh, their devotion
and care, my dear...
I wish there were
some way of showing
my appreciation.
Well, why don't
we ask them to
the club for dinner?
No. No, you've got
to think big, lovey.
Well, let's ask them
out to our place
at Monaco.
No, no, no.
Bigger.
I've begun to
think of those people
as part of my family.
Family! That's it!
I know what I'll do.
Oh, darling,
I knew you'd
solve the problem,
whatever it is.
I'll rewrite my will
and leave them
all my millions.
The howell fortune.
They'll be heirs
and heiresses.
Ha ha ha! Ooh.
Another attack.
Oh, no.
I, thurston howell III,
being of sound mind and body...
Not so fast,
darling.
Yes, yes, of course.
I, thurston howell III,
being of sound
mind and body,
do hereby bequeath
and devise
all my holdings
in the transcontinental
railroad
to one gilligan.
Oh, I don't think
you should leave
the railroad to gilligan.
Oh, no, but boys
love trains, my dear.
No. This railroad
definitely goes
to gilligan.
But he can't
possibly afford it.
You said yourself
that it loses
a million a year.
Yes, yes.
You are so right.
You are
absolutely right.
I tell you what,
leave the diamond mine
to gilligan.
Oh, I thought of ginger
for the diamond mine.
She has such
a lovely throat.
Yes, you are so right.
Much more appropriate
for ginger.
Now, I wonder, what
are we going to leave
the dear, dear,
dear professor?
How about that little
island in the pacific?
You mean Australia.
On second thought,
we ought to leave him
the railroad.
He has such
a mechanical mind,
you know.
Yes, but sometimes he
forgets to wind it up.
Alright.
The railroad
to the professor,
the diamond mine
to ginger...
There you are, ginger,
a copy of my will
and to you, your own
little diamond mine.
My own diamond mine?
I think i'm
going to faint.
Well, don't fall on me.
I just got a railroad.
And you must learn
to react calmly.
To a diamond
mine?
Well, especially
to the little
things.
Yes. Now,
if I may continue.
Oh, yes, and how,
Mr. Howell.
Please continue.
You're getting
a little excited,
skipper.
Now, oh, here we are.
To dear, sweet,
little Mary Ann,
because you've been
such a little gem,
your own plantation.
Oh, cotton or sugar,
Mr. Howell?
Uh, both.
Better throw in
a fleet of cars.
It's a long ride
between crops.
Oh, Mr. Howell,
you're wonderful.
You're so generous
and sweet.
And now, to gilligan,
your own personal oil well.
An oil well?
Of course
you'll have to have
the monogram changed
on the tower
at your own expense.
I'll change the monogram.
I'll change it.
I'll change it.
What's a monogram?
Oh, gilligan,
be quiet now, will you?
Because I'm next.
Yes, quite.
Oh, captain,
Mr. Howell would
never forget you.
If it weren't
for you wrecking
the boat,
we wouldn't
any of us be here.
Thurston:
So true.
So, to our beloved captain,
40 acres in Colorado.
40 acres.
40 acres, is that all?
Well, he's referring
to downtown Denver.
Thurston: It's a very
Cosmopolitan spot,
I must say.
Well, that's it.
That is my new will.
[All talking]
My own oil well.
You know what i'm
gonna do first?
I'm gonna fix
that squeaky hinge
on my door.
No. I can afford
to buy a whole
new hinge.
Gilligan,
why don't you
buy a whole new door?
Hey, you're right,
skipper.
I never thought of that.
Don't mention it now,
gilligan.
Just shut up
and go to sleep.
And I'll get
my tennis racket
restrung,
and a new hockey puck,
and a ball and a bat.
Gilligan...
Now just stop talking
and please go to sleep.
Ok, skipper.
[Whispering]
And a new skateboard,
and a new beanie,
and 5 pounds
of licorice.
5 pounds of licorice.
With all that money,
why don't you
start thinking big?
You're right.
10 pounds of licorice.
A skateboard and licorice.
Heh heh heh.
You know what
I'm gonna buy?
No. What?
A new boat.
I'm gonna get
one of those luxury yachts
with its own
swimming pool.
Gilligan: Wow.
Why, I might even buy
a whole fleet of yachts.
I might even buy
a whole fleet
of skateboards.
Anger.
Joy.
Sorrow.
Love.
Ginger, would you
please be quiet?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I got
carried away.
You know,
when I get my money,
I'm going to back
my own Broadway play,
and of course i'm
gonna star in it.
Well, I'll
buy a whole row
of front row tickets
if you just
let me concentrate.
I'm just practicing
my emotions.
Well, please
do it quietly.
I'm only on the ls
of the list of the things
I'm gonna buy.
I don't know whether
to live in London
and spend the summers
on the riviera,
or live on the riviera
and spend the summers
in London.
Hatred.
Ecstasy.
Oh.
...hip boots, a harpoon,
a jar of pickles.
I don't know.
A tree house!
Oh, I always wanted
a tree house!
Yes, gilligan.
And maybe I'll buy
an aircraft carrier.
But then i'd
have to buy
the aircraft
to go with it,
wouldn't I?
Hmm.
Well, why not?
Gilligan, shut up
and go to sleep.
Goodnight, skipper.
Goodnight.
[Sighs]
Maybe I'll buy
the whole seventh fleet!
Skipper!
Yes.
I've got to
talk to you.
Well, what is it,
professor?
What's wrong?
Well, I can't decide.
Should I build my new
research laboratory
on the east coast,
or on the west coast?
Come on, professor.
You're as bad
as gilligan.
How can you
spend money
you haven't got?
And why don't you
get some sleep?
Sleep? How can
I possibly sleep?
Do you realize
that I'm gonna have
my own nuclear reactor?
And I'm gonna have
my own tree house.
Wait till you
hear about my new
yacht harbor.
And a maple tree
with hot and cold
running syrup.
You know,
instead of the lab...
[All talking]
Oh, what a beautiful day!
I feel like
a boy again.
And you look
10 years younger.
Oh, thank you,
and you know what did it?
It's the spirit
of giving.
That's true, darling,
but you've always had
the spirit of giving.
I have?
Yes. I remember your
distinctly telling me
that you gave your
partner the business.
Yes, my dear.
Well, that was
something else.
You know, I feel happy
since I've included
the castaways in my will.
Ah, darling.
Oh, there's
the captain.
Excuse me.
I want to talk to him.
Good-bye, my love.
Good-bye, darling.
Aw, he's so sweet.
I love him.
Oh, captain!
Oh, captain!
Uh, gilligan,
where's the captain?
Captain,
what captain?
Well, there's only one
captain on the island,
dear boy.
Oh, skipper.
You mean the skipper.
Yes, yes. Where is he?
I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
You were just
talking to him.
Mr. Howell, do you
feel well enough
to be out of bed?
Well, of course
I'm alright, gilligan.
[Thunk]
Did you see that?
See what?
It almost hit me.
What is the meaning
of that arrow?
Uh, I guess it means
it's a one-way path.
Lovey, if I didn't
know better,
I would swear
that someone is
trying to kill me.
Oh, nonsense, dear.
No, it's not
as preposterous
as it seems.
Now, here
are the facts.
1--gilligan lies
about the skipper,
2--an arrow
barely misses me,
and 3--gilligan
is very suspicious
about the answer.
Now, what do 1, 2,
and 3 add up to?
Uh, 6, I believe.
Lovey,
don't be silly.
I'm talking about
attempted murder.
Oh, darling.
You really have a very
overactive imagination.
You said yourself
that everybody
here loves you.
But that was
before I made out
my new will.
I tell you, lovey.
Things are going on.
Come on.
Well, where
are we going?
Going to see
what we can find out
from the girls.
Girls never
can keep a secret.
Gee, ginger, that pit
looks awfully deep.
Well, it has to be
so he can't get out.
Thurston:
Oh, ginger! Mary Ann!
Uh-oh, we'd better
get out of here.
Hurry up. Come on.
Thurston:
There they are, lovey.
Where are they?
Oh, there they go.
Ginger! Mary Ann!
Really, thurston.
You must learn to watch
where you're going.
A second attempt
on my life
within the hour,
and you sit there
knitting!
Oh, I'm not knitting,
darling.
I'm doing petit point.
If I were knitting,
I'd go knit one, Pearl two,
knit one, Pearl two.
But in petit point
you go in and out,
in and out, in and out.
They are trying
to kill me.
Thurston, how can
I concentrate if
you carry on so?
Lovey, darling,
will you please
put that down
and tell me
what to do.
Alright. We'll
start at the beginning.
Yeah, that's
much better.
I suppose it is possible
that something is going on.
Well, it certainly is,
and to think
those two girls
could be part of such
a dastardly plot.
Don't tell me
you suspect those
two innocent dears?
Well, who dug that pit?
Gophers?
To think people could be
corrupted by money,
and for a few paltry
million dollars.
You can't honestly
believe that everybody
on this island
is plotting against you.
Well, I don't know
about everybody,
but look.
There's the skipper,
there's gilligan,
there's ginger
and Mary Ann.
That leaves
only one person
that we can trust.
Thurston:
Professor, professor,
is that you up there?
That's strange.
I know I saw
the professor up th--
[crash]
Lovey, they're all
in this together.
Darling. My darling!
Boulder.
They'll never get me,
lovey, with this barricade.
We howells have survived
far, far greater dangers.
Those wolves will
never get to howell.
Oh, darling,
how clever of you.
You just made
the most marvelous pun.
What pun?
What you just said.
Those wolves will
never get to howl.
Lovey, that was
beautiful, wasn't it?
Ah, this thing I do
is far, far greater.
I have a rendezvous
with some secluded barricade.
Oh, barricade, lovey.
No, no, no!
Not that.
This place
is messy enough.
I'd be so
embarrassed if
anybody dropped in.
You're so magnificent.
You remind me
of grandmother howell.
When the Indians
invaded her cabin,
she made them wipe
their feet first.
Last thing she ever did.
But, darling,
those aren't
Indians out there.
Those are
your friends.
Friends? Friends?
Do friends shoot
arrows at you?
Do they throw you
into a bottomless pit?
Do they try
and crush you
with a Boulder?
But there must
be some explanation
for all this.
There is. There is.
They're trying
to kill me.
If they aren't,
you're going to
feel mighty foolish.
Oh, boy, doesn't
this look good?
Too sour.
Professor, where'd
you get these
beautiful mushrooms?
Oh, they only
grow under very
large rocks,
and I almost
broke my back
getting them.
Oh, do you think
Mr. Howell's gonna
be surprised
about his surprise party?
I guarantee you
we'll shake him up.
Unless someone
made him suspicious.
What are you
lookin' at me for?
I didn't tell him.
You know how good
I keep a secret.
That's what we
mean, gilligan.
Skipper, I'm sure
Mr. Howell doesn't
suspect a thing.
Well, let's
keep it that way.
It's too sweet.
Oh, boy!
After 3 months
without meat,
what a treat!
Wait till he
tastes those
barbecued spareribs
we're gonna give him.
Yes, we were
lucky to trap
that wild boar
in the pit.
Yes, i'm
certainly sorry
I missed him
with that
first arrow.
We had
a hard time
catching him.
I just love
barbecued spareribs.
Well, I just
love Mr. Howell.
We all love
Mr. Howell.
Oh, they all hate me.
Instead of this putter,
I wish I had
my trusty nine iron.
It's gotten me
out of many a trap.
Lovey, my dear.
Hurry with those bandages.
Yes, darling.
I'm coming.
Oh, is that the outfit
you intend to wear?
Yes. Yes, my dear.
Why?
Oh, well, then I'll
have to make bandages
out of this sport shirt.
All the others
would clash.
Ha!
Good thinking, lovey.
I tell you,
we'll be invincible.
I could hold off
an entire battalion
for a month.
There's just one
small item you've
overlooked, dear.
What's that?
We'll starve.
Holy cow!
You're right.
There's only one
thing to do.
When I was confronted
with a crisis on wall street,
I used to meet it
head on.
Well, what are you
going to do?
The only thing
a true howell can do.
I'll go to the scoundrels
and face them down.
Lovey, give me a hand.
Take the trunk.
I'll take Teddy
and my drink.
How's the cake
coming, Mary Ann?
Mmm. Perfect.
It's just ready
for baking.
Yeah.
And this dunch
is almost all pun.
I mean this punch
is almost all done.
Mmm. It's perfect.
It's all gone,
but believe me,
it was perfect.
Good work, gilligan.
You're punch-drunk!
Alright.
Who is going to
slaughter the boar?
Come on, who's
going to do it?
Somebody's gotta
kill that old boar.
Gilligan: I can't do it.
I don't have the heart.
Professor: It'll
be quite messy.
It's certainly
no kind of work
for a girl.
Oh, it's a shame
that arrow
didn't get him.
Oh, you're all
making a lot of
fuss over nothing.
Now, all you
have to do
is sneak up
behind him and...
Then it's all over.
Gilligan: Well,
if it's so easy,
why don't you do it?
Well, we know it's
not going to be easy.
If he knows you're
coming for him,
he's gonna be vicious.
Well, but, I mean,
all I have to do
is hit him senseless
with a club,
and then
some one of you can
cut his throat.
Mary Ann: Oh, but
it seems so cruel.
Skipper: Believe me,
Mary Ann, he won't
feel a thing.
Professor: Look, we know
it's not going to be easy,
but once it's over with,
we can all relax
and celebrate.
Gilligan: I almost wish
Mr. Howell hadn't
put us in his will.
It started
the whole thing.
Oh, don't be
silly, gilligan.
Will or no will,
Mr. Howell
deserves this.
Now, come on.
Why don't one
of you big,
strong men
do it and get it
over with?
I know.
Why don't we go
money eeny miney--
miney eeny money.
Never mind, gilligan.
We know what you mean,
but even a pig deserves
more dignity than that,
so let's draw lots.
Thurston,
what's the matter?
What's wrong?
I overheard
their diabolical plot,
and believe me,
lovey, they'll
never take me alive.
Oh, thurston howell,
I don't believe a word of it.
No, I overheard them.
They're going to draw lots.
To see who kills
the old bore.
Oh, now I know you're
being ridiculous.
No! They said
they're going to
kill the old bore.
Oh, don't be silly,
darling. You're
not an old bore.
And that's what
I've been telling
people for years.
Thanks...i think.
That wasn't a very nice
thing for me to say,
especially while
you're still alive.
Lovey, you've got
to be more serious.
One of them is going
to knock me senseless,
the others are
going to cut my throat,
and then they're
going to have a party,
and then they're
going to celebrate.
Oh, dear, I do think
having a party
is in very bad taste.
I'll send you
my forwarding address
on the next tide.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the other
side of the island.
Oh, I'll go with you.
No, no, no, dear.
That's impossible.
But how will you live?
What are you
going to do?
I'll hide in the jungle,
I'll live in the trees,
I'll swing by vines.
I'll eat berries,
I'll eat grubs,
I'll sleep by day,
and I'll prowl by night.
I'll live like an animal.
Where's the financial page?
How will you survive
in the jungle?
If the apes can do it,
believe me, so can I.
A howell can do it
much better.
Farewell, my dear.
I'll see you
in happier days.
Oh, darling.
Haven't you
forgotten something?
Yes, I certainly have.
I forgot my suitcase.
Carry on, my dear.
Carry on.
Remember,
I love you always.
Good-bye,
my precious one.
I'm going to get
to the bottom of this.
You mean to tell me
that all this time
you've been planning
a surprise party
for Mr. Howell?
Gilligan: Uh-huh.
We wanted to do
something nice for him
because we love him.
Then who's
the old bore
you've been
planning to kill?
The old bore?
Oh, you must mean
the wild pig
that we trapped
'cause we thought
Mr. Howell
would like some
barbecued spareribs.
He does! He does!
He just adores them!
Good heavens.
What,
is something wrong?
Mr. Howell.
He's gone.
He thought you
were trying
to kill him.
Trying to kill him?
Why, that's ridiculous.
Where is he?
He's gone in hiding
at the other side
of the island.
Oh, that could
be dangerous.
There may be
wild animals.
Wild animals?
Mrs. Howell,
don't worry about
the wild animals.
No?
They usually fall
in the quicksand.
Quicksand!
We'd better go
get him right now!
[All shouting]
Gilligan: Mr. Howell?
Skipper: Where are you?
Professor: I think
he came this way.
Oh, they're
getting closer.
But they'll never get
me. Never! Never,
do you hear?
Onward!
Boy, is he
slippery, huh?
I was positive--
I was positive
he headed in
this direction.
Look! Professor, he
must have been here.
Look, it's a banana.
That doesn't mean
he was here.
An ape probably
dropped that.
Oh, gilligan.
Does an ape
use a napkin?
If he's neat.
He went this way.
Come on!
Can't go on.
Must rest.
[Gurgling]
Quicksand.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell!
Skipper: Mr. Howell!
Gilligan: Where are you?
Oh, look.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's Mr. Howell's hat.
Professor:
In the quicksand.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell?
Mr. Howell,
are you down there?
Wait a minute, gilligan!
It's no use!
What a horrible
ending for Mr. Howell.
I wish we could have
given him a funeral.
We can, gilligan.
We can.
[Women crying]
Mrs. Howell,
shall we begin?
Gilligan.
Gilligan, are you sure
the grave is big enough?
It should be.
It's 6 and 7/8.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to pay our last respects
to Mr. Thurston howell III.
[All weeping]
Skipper:
None of us was too happy
when we became
marooned on this island,
but we got
something for it.
We got to know
Mr. Howell.
[Sobs]
And today we are richer
for having known him.
You bet you're richer.
All of you.
Our thoughts are
with you down there,
Mr. Howell.
How dare you.
Well, Mrs. Howell,
no offense.
I was referring
to the quicksand.
I know exactly
where he is.
Thurston was
always an angel.
Yes, Mrs. Howell.
I'm sure that he's
right up there.
In spite of all
Mr. Howell's wealth,
he was a real buddy,
a true friend.
He was one of us,
and as a true friend,
we always counted on him.
We counted on him often.
For how else could
we have survived
on this island
without his foresight,
his wisdom, his courage?
Oh, I feel I've not only
lost a true friend,
I've lost a brother.
[Women sobbing]
Yes. I've lost
a friend and advisor.
He treated me
like a father.
He was like
a father to me.
He was like
a father to me.
He was like
a husband to me.
He was kind and sweet
and gentle and loving.
Oh, I wish thurston
could hear this.
I'm sure that
somehow he can.
Skipper: Thurston howell
was a Saint of a man.
He was always
thinking of others...
As he proved to us
when he remembered us
all in his will.
We shall never forget you,
thurston howell.
I can't take his money.
I don't want his oil well.
Good-bye, Denver.
The same
goes for me.
Good-bye, railroad.
Oh, I couldn't
take his diamond mine.
Oh, I'd never be
happy on that plantation.
They never really
cared about my money.
It's me they love.
[Wailing]
[Branch creaks]
Whoa!
It's Mr. Howell.
Mr. Howell,
is it really you?
[Gasps]
Mrs. Howell,
look who's here!
Look, everybody!
Mr. Howell!
[Cheering]
Gilligan,
look who's here!
Quiet, quiet!
Don't let me interrupt.
I've never
been to a more
beautiful funeral.
* for he's a jolly
good fellow *
* which nobody can deny *
speech! Speech!
Well, thank you.
I don't know what to say,
except I haven't
felt so wonderful
since I foreclosed
my mortgage on
the city of Cleveland.
Oh, Mr. Howell.
I wish there
were some way
we could show you
how glad we are
that you're back.
Well, you already have.
You gave me the finest
funeral a man ever had.
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Women: Surprise!
Surprise?
Oh, isn't that--
what a cake!
I'm completely
overwhelmed.
I just wish
that dear lovey
were here.
Where is that
wonderful woman?
Oh, lovey!
Here I am.
Just like a howell.
Always in the dough.
* they're here
for a long, long time *
* they'll have to make
the best of things *
* it's an uphill climb *
* the first mate
and his skipper, too *
* will do their very best *
* to make the others
comfortable *
* in their tropic island nest *
* no phone *
* no lights *
* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *
* like Robinson crusoe *
* it's primitive
as can be *
* so join us here
each week, my friends *
* you're sure to get a smile *
* from 7 stranded castaways *
* here on gilligan's isle *
and you'll hear a tale *
* a tale of a fateful trip *
* that started
from this tropic port *
* aboard this tiny ship *
* the mate was
a mighty sailin' man *
* the skipper brave and sure *
* 5 passengers set sail that day
for a 3-hour tour *
* a 3-hour tour *
[thunder]
* the weather started
getting rough *
* the tiny ship was tossed *
* if not for the courage
of the fearless crew *
* the minnow would be lost,
the minnow would be lost *
* the ship set ground
on the shore of this *
* uncharted desert isle *
* with gilligan *
* the skipper, too *
* the millionaire and his wife *
* the movie star *
* the professor and Mary Ann *
* here on gilligan's isle *
Oh!
Professor:
Well, he has no fever.
His temperature
is normal.
Yeah, but his
barometer's falling.
I think he's
gonna rain.
Ginger,
what's his pulse?
What's 204 divided
by 3 minutes?
68. Well, his pulse
is normal, too.
Darling, I brought
you some hot soup.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, dear.
Is it starve a cold
and feed a fever,
or feed a fever
and starve a cold?
Oh, well.
It doesn't matter.
Why do you get
such complicated
diseases?
Professor, I
brought some...
Oxygen from
the boat.
Well, that won't
be necessary, skipper.
Look, professor,
you've got to help me.
Call a specialist,
develop a new serum,
but you--you've got
to save poor little me.
Oh! That smarts!
Actually, Mr. Howell,
you're suffering from
an internal disorder
of the gastrointestinal
tract,
which has manifested
itself in contractions of
the upper transverse colon.
Lovey: Oh, how
perfectly awful.
Well, to phrase it
more simply,
Mr. Howell has
a common bellyache.
A bellyache, perhaps,
but common? Never.
I suggest
we all leave.
Mr. Howell needs rest now
more than anything else.
Run along, dear.
I want to tell you
how much I appreciate
your attention
and your concern.
Professor:
You'll be on your feet
in no time, Mr. Howell.
Gilligan: Yeah,
get better fast.
Skipper:
As soon as possible.
Ginger: Yes,
please, Mr. Howell.
Oh, their devotion
and care, my dear...
I wish there were
some way of showing
my appreciation.
Well, why don't
we ask them to
the club for dinner?
No. No, you've got
to think big, lovey.
Well, let's ask them
out to our place
at Monaco.
No, no, no.
Bigger.
I've begun to
think of those people
as part of my family.
Family! That's it!
I know what I'll do.
Oh, darling,
I knew you'd
solve the problem,
whatever it is.
I'll rewrite my will
and leave them
all my millions.
The howell fortune.
They'll be heirs
and heiresses.
Ha ha ha! Ooh.
Another attack.
Oh, no.
I, thurston howell III,
being of sound mind and body...
Not so fast,
darling.
Yes, yes, of course.
I, thurston howell III,
being of sound
mind and body,
do hereby bequeath
and devise
all my holdings
in the transcontinental
railroad
to one gilligan.
Oh, I don't think
you should leave
the railroad to gilligan.
Oh, no, but boys
love trains, my dear.
No. This railroad
definitely goes
to gilligan.
But he can't
possibly afford it.
You said yourself
that it loses
a million a year.
Yes, yes.
You are so right.
You are
absolutely right.
I tell you what,
leave the diamond mine
to gilligan.
Oh, I thought of ginger
for the diamond mine.
She has such
a lovely throat.
Yes, you are so right.
Much more appropriate
for ginger.
Now, I wonder, what
are we going to leave
the dear, dear,
dear professor?
How about that little
island in the pacific?
You mean Australia.
On second thought,
we ought to leave him
the railroad.
He has such
a mechanical mind,
you know.
Yes, but sometimes he
forgets to wind it up.
Alright.
The railroad
to the professor,
the diamond mine
to ginger...
There you are, ginger,
a copy of my will
and to you, your own
little diamond mine.
My own diamond mine?
I think i'm
going to faint.
Well, don't fall on me.
I just got a railroad.
And you must learn
to react calmly.
To a diamond
mine?
Well, especially
to the little
things.
Yes. Now,
if I may continue.
Oh, yes, and how,
Mr. Howell.
Please continue.
You're getting
a little excited,
skipper.
Now, oh, here we are.
To dear, sweet,
little Mary Ann,
because you've been
such a little gem,
your own plantation.
Oh, cotton or sugar,
Mr. Howell?
Uh, both.
Better throw in
a fleet of cars.
It's a long ride
between crops.
Oh, Mr. Howell,
you're wonderful.
You're so generous
and sweet.
And now, to gilligan,
your own personal oil well.
An oil well?
Of course
you'll have to have
the monogram changed
on the tower
at your own expense.
I'll change the monogram.
I'll change it.
I'll change it.
What's a monogram?
Oh, gilligan,
be quiet now, will you?
Because I'm next.
Yes, quite.
Oh, captain,
Mr. Howell would
never forget you.
If it weren't
for you wrecking
the boat,
we wouldn't
any of us be here.
Thurston:
So true.
So, to our beloved captain,
40 acres in Colorado.
40 acres.
40 acres, is that all?
Well, he's referring
to downtown Denver.
Thurston: It's a very
Cosmopolitan spot,
I must say.
Well, that's it.
That is my new will.
[All talking]
My own oil well.
You know what i'm
gonna do first?
I'm gonna fix
that squeaky hinge
on my door.
No. I can afford
to buy a whole
new hinge.
Gilligan,
why don't you
buy a whole new door?
Hey, you're right,
skipper.
I never thought of that.
Don't mention it now,
gilligan.
Just shut up
and go to sleep.
And I'll get
my tennis racket
restrung,
and a new hockey puck,
and a ball and a bat.
Gilligan...
Now just stop talking
and please go to sleep.
Ok, skipper.
[Whispering]
And a new skateboard,
and a new beanie,
and 5 pounds
of licorice.
5 pounds of licorice.
With all that money,
why don't you
start thinking big?
You're right.
10 pounds of licorice.
A skateboard and licorice.
Heh heh heh.
You know what
I'm gonna buy?
No. What?
A new boat.
I'm gonna get
one of those luxury yachts
with its own
swimming pool.
Gilligan: Wow.
Why, I might even buy
a whole fleet of yachts.
I might even buy
a whole fleet
of skateboards.
Anger.
Joy.
Sorrow.
Love.
Ginger, would you
please be quiet?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I got
carried away.
You know,
when I get my money,
I'm going to back
my own Broadway play,
and of course i'm
gonna star in it.
Well, I'll
buy a whole row
of front row tickets
if you just
let me concentrate.
I'm just practicing
my emotions.
Well, please
do it quietly.
I'm only on the ls
of the list of the things
I'm gonna buy.
I don't know whether
to live in London
and spend the summers
on the riviera,
or live on the riviera
and spend the summers
in London.
Hatred.
Ecstasy.
Oh.
...hip boots, a harpoon,
a jar of pickles.
I don't know.
A tree house!
Oh, I always wanted
a tree house!
Yes, gilligan.
And maybe I'll buy
an aircraft carrier.
But then i'd
have to buy
the aircraft
to go with it,
wouldn't I?
Hmm.
Well, why not?
Gilligan, shut up
and go to sleep.
Goodnight, skipper.
Goodnight.
[Sighs]
Maybe I'll buy
the whole seventh fleet!
Skipper!
Yes.
I've got to
talk to you.
Well, what is it,
professor?
What's wrong?
Well, I can't decide.
Should I build my new
research laboratory
on the east coast,
or on the west coast?
Come on, professor.
You're as bad
as gilligan.
How can you
spend money
you haven't got?
And why don't you
get some sleep?
Sleep? How can
I possibly sleep?
Do you realize
that I'm gonna have
my own nuclear reactor?
And I'm gonna have
my own tree house.
Wait till you
hear about my new
yacht harbor.
And a maple tree
with hot and cold
running syrup.
You know,
instead of the lab...
[All talking]
Oh, what a beautiful day!
I feel like
a boy again.
And you look
10 years younger.
Oh, thank you,
and you know what did it?
It's the spirit
of giving.
That's true, darling,
but you've always had
the spirit of giving.
I have?
Yes. I remember your
distinctly telling me
that you gave your
partner the business.
Yes, my dear.
Well, that was
something else.
You know, I feel happy
since I've included
the castaways in my will.
Ah, darling.
Oh, there's
the captain.
Excuse me.
I want to talk to him.
Good-bye, my love.
Good-bye, darling.
Aw, he's so sweet.
I love him.
Oh, captain!
Oh, captain!
Uh, gilligan,
where's the captain?
Captain,
what captain?
Well, there's only one
captain on the island,
dear boy.
Oh, skipper.
You mean the skipper.
Yes, yes. Where is he?
I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
You were just
talking to him.
Mr. Howell, do you
feel well enough
to be out of bed?
Well, of course
I'm alright, gilligan.
[Thunk]
Did you see that?
See what?
It almost hit me.
What is the meaning
of that arrow?
Uh, I guess it means
it's a one-way path.
Lovey, if I didn't
know better,
I would swear
that someone is
trying to kill me.
Oh, nonsense, dear.
No, it's not
as preposterous
as it seems.
Now, here
are the facts.
1--gilligan lies
about the skipper,
2--an arrow
barely misses me,
and 3--gilligan
is very suspicious
about the answer.
Now, what do 1, 2,
and 3 add up to?
Uh, 6, I believe.
Lovey,
don't be silly.
I'm talking about
attempted murder.
Oh, darling.
You really have a very
overactive imagination.
You said yourself
that everybody
here loves you.
But that was
before I made out
my new will.
I tell you, lovey.
Things are going on.
Come on.
Well, where
are we going?
Going to see
what we can find out
from the girls.
Girls never
can keep a secret.
Gee, ginger, that pit
looks awfully deep.
Well, it has to be
so he can't get out.
Thurston:
Oh, ginger! Mary Ann!
Uh-oh, we'd better
get out of here.
Hurry up. Come on.
Thurston:
There they are, lovey.
Where are they?
Oh, there they go.
Ginger! Mary Ann!
Really, thurston.
You must learn to watch
where you're going.
A second attempt
on my life
within the hour,
and you sit there
knitting!
Oh, I'm not knitting,
darling.
I'm doing petit point.
If I were knitting,
I'd go knit one, Pearl two,
knit one, Pearl two.
But in petit point
you go in and out,
in and out, in and out.
They are trying
to kill me.
Thurston, how can
I concentrate if
you carry on so?
Lovey, darling,
will you please
put that down
and tell me
what to do.
Alright. We'll
start at the beginning.
Yeah, that's
much better.
I suppose it is possible
that something is going on.
Well, it certainly is,
and to think
those two girls
could be part of such
a dastardly plot.
Don't tell me
you suspect those
two innocent dears?
Well, who dug that pit?
Gophers?
To think people could be
corrupted by money,
and for a few paltry
million dollars.
You can't honestly
believe that everybody
on this island
is plotting against you.
Well, I don't know
about everybody,
but look.
There's the skipper,
there's gilligan,
there's ginger
and Mary Ann.
That leaves
only one person
that we can trust.
Thurston:
Professor, professor,
is that you up there?
That's strange.
I know I saw
the professor up th--
[crash]
Lovey, they're all
in this together.
Darling. My darling!
Boulder.
They'll never get me,
lovey, with this barricade.
We howells have survived
far, far greater dangers.
Those wolves will
never get to howell.
Oh, darling,
how clever of you.
You just made
the most marvelous pun.
What pun?
What you just said.
Those wolves will
never get to howl.
Lovey, that was
beautiful, wasn't it?
Ah, this thing I do
is far, far greater.
I have a rendezvous
with some secluded barricade.
Oh, barricade, lovey.
No, no, no!
Not that.
This place
is messy enough.
I'd be so
embarrassed if
anybody dropped in.
You're so magnificent.
You remind me
of grandmother howell.
When the Indians
invaded her cabin,
she made them wipe
their feet first.
Last thing she ever did.
But, darling,
those aren't
Indians out there.
Those are
your friends.
Friends? Friends?
Do friends shoot
arrows at you?
Do they throw you
into a bottomless pit?
Do they try
and crush you
with a Boulder?
But there must
be some explanation
for all this.
There is. There is.
They're trying
to kill me.
If they aren't,
you're going to
feel mighty foolish.
Oh, boy, doesn't
this look good?
Too sour.
Professor, where'd
you get these
beautiful mushrooms?
Oh, they only
grow under very
large rocks,
and I almost
broke my back
getting them.
Oh, do you think
Mr. Howell's gonna
be surprised
about his surprise party?
I guarantee you
we'll shake him up.
Unless someone
made him suspicious.
What are you
lookin' at me for?
I didn't tell him.
You know how good
I keep a secret.
That's what we
mean, gilligan.
Skipper, I'm sure
Mr. Howell doesn't
suspect a thing.
Well, let's
keep it that way.
It's too sweet.
Oh, boy!
After 3 months
without meat,
what a treat!
Wait till he
tastes those
barbecued spareribs
we're gonna give him.
Yes, we were
lucky to trap
that wild boar
in the pit.
Yes, i'm
certainly sorry
I missed him
with that
first arrow.
We had
a hard time
catching him.
I just love
barbecued spareribs.
Well, I just
love Mr. Howell.
We all love
Mr. Howell.
Oh, they all hate me.
Instead of this putter,
I wish I had
my trusty nine iron.
It's gotten me
out of many a trap.
Lovey, my dear.
Hurry with those bandages.
Yes, darling.
I'm coming.
Oh, is that the outfit
you intend to wear?
Yes. Yes, my dear.
Why?
Oh, well, then I'll
have to make bandages
out of this sport shirt.
All the others
would clash.
Ha!
Good thinking, lovey.
I tell you,
we'll be invincible.
I could hold off
an entire battalion
for a month.
There's just one
small item you've
overlooked, dear.
What's that?
We'll starve.
Holy cow!
You're right.
There's only one
thing to do.
When I was confronted
with a crisis on wall street,
I used to meet it
head on.
Well, what are you
going to do?
The only thing
a true howell can do.
I'll go to the scoundrels
and face them down.
Lovey, give me a hand.
Take the trunk.
I'll take Teddy
and my drink.
How's the cake
coming, Mary Ann?
Mmm. Perfect.
It's just ready
for baking.
Yeah.
And this dunch
is almost all pun.
I mean this punch
is almost all done.
Mmm. It's perfect.
It's all gone,
but believe me,
it was perfect.
Good work, gilligan.
You're punch-drunk!
Alright.
Who is going to
slaughter the boar?
Come on, who's
going to do it?
Somebody's gotta
kill that old boar.
Gilligan: I can't do it.
I don't have the heart.
Professor: It'll
be quite messy.
It's certainly
no kind of work
for a girl.
Oh, it's a shame
that arrow
didn't get him.
Oh, you're all
making a lot of
fuss over nothing.
Now, all you
have to do
is sneak up
behind him and...
Then it's all over.
Gilligan: Well,
if it's so easy,
why don't you do it?
Well, we know it's
not going to be easy.
If he knows you're
coming for him,
he's gonna be vicious.
Well, but, I mean,
all I have to do
is hit him senseless
with a club,
and then
some one of you can
cut his throat.
Mary Ann: Oh, but
it seems so cruel.
Skipper: Believe me,
Mary Ann, he won't
feel a thing.
Professor: Look, we know
it's not going to be easy,
but once it's over with,
we can all relax
and celebrate.
Gilligan: I almost wish
Mr. Howell hadn't
put us in his will.
It started
the whole thing.
Oh, don't be
silly, gilligan.
Will or no will,
Mr. Howell
deserves this.
Now, come on.
Why don't one
of you big,
strong men
do it and get it
over with?
I know.
Why don't we go
money eeny miney--
miney eeny money.
Never mind, gilligan.
We know what you mean,
but even a pig deserves
more dignity than that,
so let's draw lots.
Thurston,
what's the matter?
What's wrong?
I overheard
their diabolical plot,
and believe me,
lovey, they'll
never take me alive.
Oh, thurston howell,
I don't believe a word of it.
No, I overheard them.
They're going to draw lots.
To see who kills
the old bore.
Oh, now I know you're
being ridiculous.
No! They said
they're going to
kill the old bore.
Oh, don't be silly,
darling. You're
not an old bore.
And that's what
I've been telling
people for years.
Thanks...i think.
That wasn't a very nice
thing for me to say,
especially while
you're still alive.
Lovey, you've got
to be more serious.
One of them is going
to knock me senseless,
the others are
going to cut my throat,
and then they're
going to have a party,
and then they're
going to celebrate.
Oh, dear, I do think
having a party
is in very bad taste.
I'll send you
my forwarding address
on the next tide.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the other
side of the island.
Oh, I'll go with you.
No, no, no, dear.
That's impossible.
But how will you live?
What are you
going to do?
I'll hide in the jungle,
I'll live in the trees,
I'll swing by vines.
I'll eat berries,
I'll eat grubs,
I'll sleep by day,
and I'll prowl by night.
I'll live like an animal.
Where's the financial page?
How will you survive
in the jungle?
If the apes can do it,
believe me, so can I.
A howell can do it
much better.
Farewell, my dear.
I'll see you
in happier days.
Oh, darling.
Haven't you
forgotten something?
Yes, I certainly have.
I forgot my suitcase.
Carry on, my dear.
Carry on.
Remember,
I love you always.
Good-bye,
my precious one.
I'm going to get
to the bottom of this.
You mean to tell me
that all this time
you've been planning
a surprise party
for Mr. Howell?
Gilligan: Uh-huh.
We wanted to do
something nice for him
because we love him.
Then who's
the old bore
you've been
planning to kill?
The old bore?
Oh, you must mean
the wild pig
that we trapped
'cause we thought
Mr. Howell
would like some
barbecued spareribs.
He does! He does!
He just adores them!
Good heavens.
What,
is something wrong?
Mr. Howell.
He's gone.
He thought you
were trying
to kill him.
Trying to kill him?
Why, that's ridiculous.
Where is he?
He's gone in hiding
at the other side
of the island.
Oh, that could
be dangerous.
There may be
wild animals.
Wild animals?
Mrs. Howell,
don't worry about
the wild animals.
No?
They usually fall
in the quicksand.
Quicksand!
We'd better go
get him right now!
[All shouting]
Gilligan: Mr. Howell?
Skipper: Where are you?
Professor: I think
he came this way.
Oh, they're
getting closer.
But they'll never get
me. Never! Never,
do you hear?
Onward!
Boy, is he
slippery, huh?
I was positive--
I was positive
he headed in
this direction.
Look! Professor, he
must have been here.
Look, it's a banana.
That doesn't mean
he was here.
An ape probably
dropped that.
Oh, gilligan.
Does an ape
use a napkin?
If he's neat.
He went this way.
Come on!
Can't go on.
Must rest.
[Gurgling]
Quicksand.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell!
Hey, Mr. Howell!
Skipper: Mr. Howell!
Gilligan: Where are you?
Oh, look.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's Mr. Howell's hat.
Professor:
In the quicksand.
Gilligan: Mr. Howell?
Mr. Howell,
are you down there?
Wait a minute, gilligan!
It's no use!
What a horrible
ending for Mr. Howell.
I wish we could have
given him a funeral.
We can, gilligan.
We can.
[Women crying]
Mrs. Howell,
shall we begin?
Gilligan.
Gilligan, are you sure
the grave is big enough?
It should be.
It's 6 and 7/8.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
to pay our last respects
to Mr. Thurston howell III.
[All weeping]
Skipper:
None of us was too happy
when we became
marooned on this island,
but we got
something for it.
We got to know
Mr. Howell.
[Sobs]
And today we are richer
for having known him.
You bet you're richer.
All of you.
Our thoughts are
with you down there,
Mr. Howell.
How dare you.
Well, Mrs. Howell,
no offense.
I was referring
to the quicksand.
I know exactly
where he is.
Thurston was
always an angel.
Yes, Mrs. Howell.
I'm sure that he's
right up there.
In spite of all
Mr. Howell's wealth,
he was a real buddy,
a true friend.
He was one of us,
and as a true friend,
we always counted on him.
We counted on him often.
For how else could
we have survived
on this island
without his foresight,
his wisdom, his courage?
Oh, I feel I've not only
lost a true friend,
I've lost a brother.
[Women sobbing]
Yes. I've lost
a friend and advisor.
He treated me
like a father.
He was like
a father to me.
He was like
a father to me.
He was like
a husband to me.
He was kind and sweet
and gentle and loving.
Oh, I wish thurston
could hear this.
I'm sure that
somehow he can.
Skipper: Thurston howell
was a Saint of a man.
He was always
thinking of others...
As he proved to us
when he remembered us
all in his will.
We shall never forget you,
thurston howell.
I can't take his money.
I don't want his oil well.
Good-bye, Denver.
The same
goes for me.
Good-bye, railroad.
Oh, I couldn't
take his diamond mine.
Oh, I'd never be
happy on that plantation.
They never really
cared about my money.
It's me they love.
[Wailing]
[Branch creaks]
Whoa!
It's Mr. Howell.
Mr. Howell,
is it really you?
[Gasps]
Mrs. Howell,
look who's here!
Look, everybody!
Mr. Howell!
[Cheering]
Gilligan,
look who's here!
Quiet, quiet!
Don't let me interrupt.
I've never
been to a more
beautiful funeral.
* for he's a jolly
good fellow *
* which nobody can deny *
speech! Speech!
Well, thank you.
I don't know what to say,
except I haven't
felt so wonderful
since I foreclosed
my mortgage on
the city of Cleveland.
Oh, Mr. Howell.
I wish there
were some way
we could show you
how glad we are
that you're back.
Well, you already have.
You gave me the finest
funeral a man ever had.
Yeah, I enjoyed it.
Women: Surprise!
Surprise?
Oh, isn't that--
what a cake!
I'm completely
overwhelmed.
I just wish
that dear lovey
were here.
Where is that
wonderful woman?
Oh, lovey!
Here I am.
Just like a howell.
Always in the dough.
* they're here
for a long, long time *
* they'll have to make
the best of things *
* it's an uphill climb *
* the first mate
and his skipper, too *
* will do their very best *
* to make the others
comfortable *
* in their tropic island nest *
* no phone *
* no lights *
* no motorcars,
not a single luxury *
* like Robinson crusoe *
* it's primitive
as can be *
* so join us here
each week, my friends *
* you're sure to get a smile *
* from 7 stranded castaways *
* here on gilligan's isle *